I Have A Fitbit. Life Is Different Now. I’M Different Now.

The holidays can be super frustrating if you haven’t had any major changes in your life status. It happens to everyone. Whether you’re single, or you’re dating and haven’t gotten engaged – or you’re engaged and haven’t gotten married, or married or haven’t had a baby, or had a baby but haven’t had another baby … whatever it is, you probably had those well-meaning friends and relatives look at you with a frozen smile and pointedly ask “what’s new with you?” You know what they’re asking, but for me, the most honest and accurate response would be something along the lines of Kelly Kapoor’s answer:

This year, the biggest change in my life status has been a Fitbit. It’s like having a baby. Hear me out. It alters the way you go about your daily business, and you have so much to say about it, but unless you’re talking to someone else who has one, you assume they either can’t really understand or don’t really care. When someone would say “so, what’s new with you?” with that doofy grin, what I really wanted to say was “I have a Fitbit now! And…” And here are all the things that would come after that “and,” if I were being completely honest:

Sleep isn’t just sleep. If you asked me before Fitbit, I’d have told you that I probably got a solid 8 hours of sleep a night. Now I can tell you that I’m restless 16 times a night, like this:

But do you ever forget to tell your Fitbit that you’ve woken up? That’s the worst, because it still tracks your steps, but you’re also forced to confront those broad swaths of cobalt blue that mean you’re so motionless that your Fitbit thinks you’re asleep:

I woke up at the first pink line. Yikes.

Sometimes the FitBit thinks you’ve tapped it to track sleep, but you’ve actually pushed a shopping cart over bumpy grocery store tile, or played Rondo A Capriccio on the piano – both happened to me just this week. If you don’t notice it right away, you’ll be amazed by how often the Fitbit thinks you’re sleeping when you’re just being lazy.

And those nights when I charge it while I sleep? It’s like a slumber party in fourth grade – all I want to do is stay up late because I can.

It’s always a minor crisis when that sucker’s battery runs out. I now understand, by way of analogy, what depression must be like. I don’t say that to make light of people who have it. I just mean that when it’s charging I find myself thinking “why should I even move? Why get up? If I go for a walk or if I stay in this chair, it’s all the same – what’s the point?”

You know it’s bad when you consider buying a backup Fitbit so you’re never without a battery.

One part of the Fitbit lifestyle I can’t get behind is the calorie tracking. I’m pretty short and lightweight, and the estimated calories per day for me are almost laughably low. Even when I lift weights and walk 20,000 steps, the calories burned never get anywhere near the 2,000 neighborhood. If you’re active, short and thin, please understand that it might make you crazy.

I sort of wish there was a setting where you could tell the FitBit that you’re sick, and it would reward you for doing nothing. Or when it’s really cold out, it automatically would adjust how much it expected you to do. During the fall I was logging 15 – 20,000 steps a day without even thinking about it, but that gets a lot harder to do when your hands turn blue and red within minutes of going outside. I just had a few days of 30 degree (F) weather (what a treat!) and I was like a kid on the first sunny day in spring, so when I say I quit when it’s cold, I mean really cold.

Sing it Debbie.

I find myself making unnecessary trips during the day, like walking from my seventh floor office to the second floor bathrooms, or buying my coffee from the farther-away coffee shop. Neither of us here would consider ourselves athletic people. We’re just not very team sports-y. But I look at my daily steps and realize that I’m at least an active person. I’m pretty much always moving. Our most recent blog meeting found Traci pacing around a kitchen table to meet her step goal. This didn’t seem weird to me, and besides, we’ve both been reading about how sitting will kill you and it has us a little nervous.

You start to discover how many things you can do while pacing. For instance, this post you’re reading? I wrote the first draft on my phone while bouncing on the balls of my feet. If someone had passed by my window, I like to think that I could have pointed to the rubbery band on my wrist (something I NEVER would have worn before Fitbit) and they would have nodded knowingly. If you have one, you just get it. If you don’t have one, don’t worry, when you ask what’s new with me I probably won’t tell you all of this.

 

Are we just making up exercises now?

Have you guys heard of the latest exercise craze? It’s called Prancercise, and you should probably get yourself acquainted with it.

For those who enjoy a less intense work out, this might be the exercise for you. All you need are some ankle weights, a large, open area, and a sense of humor because it is absolutely ridiculous. Here’s a brief video tutorial:

No, this is not a Funny or Die video. Yes, she really said, “We’re gonna really cut the noose and let it loose with the prancercise gallop.” This is real. Bless her. It reminds me of the one where phoebe runs, since she just prances around with no shame. This catchy exercise was invented by Joanna Rohrback back in 1989, but for some reason, it never caught on (perhaps Suzanne Somers is to blame). But over 20 years later, Joanna is back at it again, and hoping Prancercise will be the next spin class craze.

This got me thinking, what other ridiculous exercise crazes have there been that may have just been a scheme to make money instead of actually helping people lose weight? Here are a few possible missed opportunities…

The Gazelle Freestyle

I actually think this was all a ruse for Tony Little to get away with sexually harassing that woman without any legal repercussions. Also, Tony Little.

This vibrating belt thing

So people actually thought these worked. I mean, it’s like science.

The Hawaii Chair

I first learned of this item from Ellen, as seen in this video. I don’t know about you, but I just don’t think Ellen’s trying hard enough to be more productive.

Sauna Suits

In all honesty, I had never heard of this item before, but apparently it’s a thing. One wears this suit while exercising in order to lose more weight. Except the real outcome is that you just lose water weight, which you can immediately gain back by drinking a glass of water. Plus, it can also lead to overheating, which can and has resulted in death. Yikes. It’s not even that cute of an outfit.

Buns of Steel

“You’ll feel a bun rebirth!” Okay, is that something I wanted to feel in the first place? This video looks so fake and ridic that this SNL digital short looks more believable.

Shake Weight

Speaking of SNL… the Shake Weight is pretty self explanatory.

How (Not) To Go Running With Your Dog

Things have warmed up a bit since I wrote How (Not) To Go Running In The Snow, and upstate New York is beginning the slow, sloooow journey toward springtime. I thought now would be a good time to address the best way to go running with your dog. Or, at least, what works for me.

This post would not be possible without my number one running buddy, Harper. She is an almost-8-year-old English Setter. I got her from the shelter a few years ago, and we’ve been besties ever since. Well, I think she’s a 8-year-old English Setter. Due to the whole shelter thing I don’t really know much about her. Sometimes I think they just make stuff up. It’s like having a witness protection program member living with me, because I can’t really ever ask about her former life. Anyway. Running. Here we go.

(1) Gather all of your stuff. That’s probably like, some shoes. Now get your dog’s stuff. Collapsible water bowl, poop bags, collar, leash, personal identification, etc.

(2) Do all of the above in as stealthy a manner as possible, because as soon as your dog sees you wearing sneakers or holding keys, it is ON.

(3) Oh, shoot. The dog saw you. The dog always sees you. Watch as she prances and turns circles.

(4) Do any pre-run  stretches or warmups now. Oh I’m sorry, does your dog actually stand still when you are at the park or on the trail, and allow you to do lunges and arm circles? You’re cute.

(5) Wrestle the collar/leash onto your dog. My dog knows that I do not put her leash on until she is sitting in front of me. This is ostensibly to make her less wiggly, but actually because it is HILARIOUS. She gets so exciting that she’s trembling.

(6) Let the animal run to the car, because you will not run well with a dislocated shoulder. Wait, so your dog trots calmly at your side on the way to your vehicle? Fun.

(7) Watch the dog try to get in the front seat even though she clearly cannot drive. Nice try, pup. BTW, my dog rides in a crate in the back seat — I cannot recommend this method enough.

(8) Get to your destination, and start a slow warmup lap.

(9) Stop 45 seconds later. The dog is pooping. Backtrack another 30 seconds to the closest garbage can.

(10) Run for real. This is going well! The dog is probably looking up at you and dog-smiling and you’re feeling pretty great about your choices.

(11) One mile in, and the dog is pooping again. You are nowhere near a trash bin. No big deal. You run with the leash in one hand and the poop bag in another.

(12) SQUIRREL! Try not to get tangled as the dog lunges in front of you to chase a squirrel. Fall, probably.

(3) How many times can one dog poop? You may be out of bags by now. Try to remember to get one from your car and deal with this before you leave. Nobody wants to be that person.

(14) See an unleashed dog in the distance. Darn. Call out to see if an owner is there. You hear the most dreaded words a dog owner ever speaks: “ Don’t worry, he’s friendly!”. Dog owners who say “don’t worry, he’s friendly!” while walking an unleashed dog are, in my experience, frequently big liars. They just don’t want you to freak out by saying “WORRY! He’s an a-hole.”*

(15) The dog is… not friendly. Run faster. Hey look, you’re interval training! Cool.

(16) Change your route so that you won’t pass them again.

(17) Water break! In the 30 seconds you are stopped, meet another dog owner who wants to tell you that you are using an inhumane collar. This is inevitable because for every single kind of dog collar, from regular collar to Martingale to prong, there is someone who very passionately believes that (1) it is inhumane and (2) your life would be better if you tried the thing that their dog uses.**

(18) Start running again.

(19) Peeing? Ughh fine. Does your dog only stop once per run? Now you’re just bragging and frankly, I don’t like it.

(20) If your dog is a big panter/drooler, now’s about the time someone will make a comment about how hot your dog is. If you know that your dog is fine, a simple smile and “I know, right?” will do. Keep going. Around now is when I thank the lord that I don’t have children, because I know parents get this feedback but a million times worse (Always as well-meaning questions: “oh you’re potty training already?”/ “You haven’t read Happiest Baby on the Block?”/ “You bottle feed?”/ “Your baby wasn’t delivered in a Lake of Shining Waters by a nun and a civil war reenactor?”)

(21) Oh, come on — a family with kids. You’re not going to be running for a sec. My dog loves children and children love my dog, so I don’t really say no to kids who want to pet her. But I do feel bad that she slobbers all over them. Oops.

(22) Run for real for another few miles.

(23) Reach an area with water or mud. It wouldn’t be a proper run if you dog didn’t come home looking like a swamp creature.

(24) You’re done! Drive home with all the windows down because the air smells like dog breath concentrate. Also because your dog is probably fogging the heck out of your windows.

(25) Water all around! Then collapse on the floor with your dog. Until next time!

This was taken after H and I collapsed on the floor after a run. Pretty much how we roll.

*In case you think I’m oversensitive, my dog was attacked at a leash-only park while the owner stood by and didn’t get his dog. I had to pay serious $$$ for shots for her. And it was my birthday. Also as a child I was VERY frequently chased by neighborhood dogs that were guarding the drug houses across the street and next door to me.

** I’ll probably get judged for this too, but my dog is a puller. I got her at 5 years old and her habits were set. I have tried everything. Yes, EVERYTHING, even the thing where you give her liver snaps every time she’s doing well. No dice. Halti? Tried it. Gentle Leader? That too. I finally found a collar that works for both of us, meaning no pulling on my arm and no pain for my dog. Deal with it. [Sidenote, any Halti users hate how everyone thinks that your dog is muzzled? People treated my gentle children’s therapy dog like a vicious beast when we used that thing.]