Questions, Comments, and Concerns: A Deadly Adoption

Back in April, it was leaked that Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, two of America’s best awards show presenters, had secretly filmed a Lifetime movie and Will released a statement saying, “We are deeply disappointed that our planned top-secret project was made public, Kristen and I have decided it is in the best interest for everyone to forgo the project entirely.”

Fast forward to earlier this month, when a huge billboard for A Deadly Adoption popped up in Hollywood, saying the movie will air for reals on June 20 and had the tagline, “The birth of a plan gone wrong.” It debuted on Saturday night, and 2.1 million viewers tuned in, with nearly triple that during the repeats over the weekend. And we were one of those viewers.

When the secret came out in April, Will said he and Kristen were true Lifetime movie fans and the project was made out of love, but didn’t really disclose whether it was going to be a parody or a serious Lifetime-style drama. But this is what the logline is per Time Warner Cable:

A successful couple (Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig) house and care for a pregnant woman in the hopes of adopting her unborn child, but things quickly go awry.

This sounds like every other TV movie on this network, so I was still lost. Throughout the course of the movie, I found myself asking questions and making comments outloud, since the entire thing had me quite puzzled. If you were one of the nearly 6 million viewers or are planning to watch it soon, let me know if you have similar questions, comments, concerns from A Deadly Adoption.

Question: Why does the beginning of this look like a faux commercial on SNL?

The movie starts out at the birthday party for Robert (Will) and Sarah’s (Kristen) baby daughter, and it all just seems like a set-up for a fake drug the writers on SNL are about to peddle to me. Baby Spanx, anyone?

Question: Should I be laughing at a pregnant Kristen Wiig falling into the lake?

Preggo Sarah is leading against a wooden railing on a dock over a lake, but it bows out and she falls back in slow-mo, hits a boat and falls into the water. Robert immediately runs into the lake to save her, and after a few tense seconds, she comes to – but the baby doesn’t survive. The fall was so dramatic that I wasn’t sure whether to be laughing or cry at their loss?

Concern: Robert is an alcoholic

We flash forward five years later, and we see Robert is a recovering alcoholic. I feel like this is going to come back into the main story somehow.

Concern: Robert and Sarah plan to adopt

Photo Jun 23, 10 59 03 PM

Now that Sarah can’t have a baby, she and Robert are hoping to adopt, and they meet a girl named Bridget (Jessica Lowndes) who’s six months preggo and lives in a shelter. When Robert goes to shake her hand, she somehow accidentally breaks a picture frame, leading me to think this shattered glass might mean something.

Comment: Bridget likes kids, apparently

“I’m really overprotective when it comes to kids” – Bridget, the woman giving up her baby for adoption.

Comment: WHO THAT IS, MY BABY DADDY?

“Oh Robert, what a mess.” – Bridget says to herself while ripping Sarah’s face off the cover of a magazine.  iS THAT ROBERT’S BABY IN THERE

Concern: Bridget’s boyfriend is an actual concern

The baby daddy is a tatted up bad boy who has a slight Southern drawl – why do they always have a Southern drawl. He also has a pick up truck. He is trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stand for Pool! (a little Music Man humor for you nerds).

Comment: THIS BITCH IS FAKING HER PREGNANCY

I knew her bump was too big to be six months!

Comment: Robert finds a book that he signed which reads, “To Joni: Don’t stop daring”

Okay I should’ve written this down earlier, but I so called this: Robert was out on a book tour years ago and got drunk and slept with one of his groupies – aka Bridget in a red wig. So it’s NOT Robert’s baby since she’s sans baby, but she’s definitely crazy and has infiltrated their life because she’s TOO MUCH.

Question: Why are Robert and Sarah leaving their daughter alone with Bridget?

Bridget/Joni’s on the lamb after Sully sees her wearing a fake pregnancy belly. Because she’s a genius, B/J lies to Sarah and tells her she’s taking Sully to the park, all the while telling Robert she’s taking Sully to meet Sarah at the farmer’s market. We also find out B/J planned this kidnapping with her Shane West Wannabe boyf because they want Robert and Sarah’s money. Again, WHY LEAVE YOUR CHILD WITH THIS QUESTIONABLE CHARACTER.

Concern: Sarah’s Gay Best Friend Charlie is getting too involved in the case

Sarah’s biz partner/GBF Charlie realized something was up when he saw B/J having a public couple fight with her boyfriend Dwayne. After Sully goes missing, he sees Shane West Wannabe and decides to follow him himself, opting not to tell authorities. GBF trails him to the shack they’re keeping Sully and again decides not to call for backup because this is a Lifetime movie and there’s stil 40 minutes left.

Question: WHY?

WELL THEY KILLED CHARLIE THIS IS THE WORST

Comment: Sully has diabetes, Robert makes this clear throughout the movie

Sully’s missing poster says “NEEDS INSULIN ASAP” in all caps in Impact font

Concern: B/J is going full Snapped

B/J shows up disheveled and threatens Sarah with a gun in her garage and claims Robert loves her and is gonna leave her. She also reveals she WAS pregnant after drunkly sleeping with Robert, but lost the baby a few months later. A fight ensues and B/J kills Sarah, puts her in the driver’s seat of her car, and does the good old fashioned carbon monoxide set up.

Question: Where is Robert?

B/J then goes into the house to find Robert, but honestly, he didn’t hear the commotion going on in the garage?? They had a full out girl fight. Anyways, B/J finds Robert in the house and confronts him about sleeping with her, etc. and she accidentally shoots him…?

Comment: Robert must have iron arms because he managed to save Sarah

Photo Jun 24, 1 28 41 AM

By lifting her out like the Pieta.

Question: Why does the shot of Will Ferrell in a boat last for so long?

Photo Jun 24, 12 11 15 AM

Robert acquired a phobia of boats and lakes and docks since Sarah’s accident, but he managed to put that away to save Sully, but all I can think is why does he look like Robert Goulet crossing a river to battle an army?

Concern: Sully’s mental state after this entire ordeal

B/J tells Sully, who is sick because she needs her insulin, that “her daddy is dead”, and when Sully tells her she’s mean, B/J’s response is, “Stop it! I am not mean! I am the only nice one! Everyone else wants to hurt us!”, like a mature woman faking her pregnancy would say to a child she kidnapped.

Comment: The commercials on Lifetime don’t even seem real

There is a real commercial for Osphena, which is a medicine for women who are having troubles having sex after menopause. Like, come on.

Comment: At least this girl has a future career on Lifetime

Photo Jun 24, 12 15 27 AM

Seriously, she convincing for a kid actor. There’s a showdown on the bridge where B/J tells Robert to hand Sully over or else she’ll shoot him. Robert whispers something in Sully’s ear, and she starts walking towards B/J who has a gun in her hand. Then Sully suddenly runs towards the edge of the bridge and jumps into the river below and Robert soon follows. B/J is dumb and doesn’t try stopping them by shooting, but once Robert and Sully are in the speedboat, the motor doesn’t turn on.

Question: Is this Lana Del Rey in a gun fight with Wiig?

Photo Jun 24, 1 46 53 AMTurns out Sarah’s not dead and before B/J has a chance to kill both Sully and Robert, Sarah shoots the bitch and she falls into the river.

Question: Real or Not Real?

The end card says “inspired by a true story” … is it really? I don’t think so, but ok then.

Pop Culture Inspo for Yo’ Mo(vember)

We’re more than a week into the month so for you fellas participating in Movember, perhaps you’re at the point where you’re thinking what exactly to do with that cool ‘stache of yours (BTW, if you aren’t familiar with Movember, it’s an annual event in which men grow their mustaches to raise awareness of men’s health issues. It might explain why your weird co-worker is even weirder this month). There are so many directions to go with the newly acquired batch of facial hair that you want to make it perfect for the rest of the month.

And since there have been plenty of iconic mustache designs in television, film, theater, etc. it’s worth looking for some inspiration from some of the manliest of men on stage and screen. While I obviously can’t list all of them here, I have compiled a list of some of my personal faves who rocked the ‘stache loud and proud.

Gordon from Sesame Street

Aw, Gordon and Elmo! He’s first in honor of Sesame Street’s anniversary this week. Also, I have this vision of me meeting Gordon as a tot at some kind of book signing, but I actually think I stole a friend’s childhood memory. If this is your anecdote, reveal yourself. Also I am sorry.

Chandler Bing as Dr. Richard Burke on Friends

It goes without saying that if you do a word association with Tom Selleck, most of the time you’ll think ‘mustache’. I figured that putting him on this list might be a cop out, so here’s the next best thing – Chandler attempting to grow a Richard mustache. Obvs this was pre-Mondler, and Joey and Chan thought Richard was the coolest, hence trying to look and act like him. Not quite the same effect.

 

Ron Burgundy from Anchorman

You stay classy, San Diego/whatever city you live in/Movember dudes everywhere.

Paul Rudd during the Admission press tour

Speaking of Anchorman, Paul Rudd was in the middle of filming the sequel when he has to go off and do press for his movie with Tina Fey, Admission. And of course, Brian Fontana sports a sweet ‘stache in the film, and since hair doesn’t grow into a beautiful handlebar like Rudd’s overnight, he opted to wear it loud and proud. Paul Rudd: American treasure.

Kristen Wiig in the one sketch of The Californians

I’m 90% sure this was from the time Kristen went back to host SNL and she came back from the dead. Or at least in The Californians world. There have been some epic mustaches on SNL, but for some reason this one stuck out to me.

Daniel Day-Lewis in Gangs of New York

I’ve never actually seen Gangs of New York (ugh, I know, I’m a horrible Leo fan), but damn DDL can grow a mustache. In any film that requires some sort of lip blanket, he’s on point. Also, remember Daniel Day-Lewis? It’s like he goes into hibernation every 5 to 7 years and comes back to collect an Oscar.

Carl Winslow from Family Matters

Guys. This picture of a faux video game. I cannot.

Borat

**it’s creepy but niiiiiicee*

Captain Kangaroo

*it’s creepy but… nope still creepy. I DON’T REMEMBER CAPTAIN KANGAROO BEING THIS SCARY*

 Gene Shalit from Today

Anyone else a random watcher of the Today show and understand the magic that is Gene Shalit and his magnif bow ties and ‘stache?

Walter White from Breaking Bad

This sweet photo was taken from the actual Save Walter White website (caution, comic sans ahead).

Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation

“Leslie, you need to understand that we are headed to the most special place on earth. When I’m done eating a Mulligan’s meal, for weeks afterwards there are flecks of meat in my mustache and I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.”  *Nick Offerman thanks you for your time.