Things I’m Willing To Believe About Rosie O’Donnell

It’s Day 2 of Everything’s Coming Up Rosie Week, and we’re bringing back a recurring series, Things I’m Willing To Believe About ___, where we compile fake facts that seem… sort of plausible. Today we are spotlighting the Queen of Nice, Rosie O’Donnell. We are willing to believe that Rosie:

Had an early showbiz dream to appear as either the newest Brady Bunch kid or newest Partridge Family member.
Secretly sells art on Society6 under the pseudonym Katie Morosky
Hasn’t been able to let go of all the cassette tapes of Ryan’s Hope she recorded from the ’80s (she didn’t have a VCR back then so she recorded the audio, duh).
Has a permanent reserved seat at Hamilton, like how people in the 1800s used to have reserved pews at church. The only reason she hasn’t been MORE times is that she keeps giving the tickets away.

Is a generally peace-loving person, except that she can hear a North Shore vs South Shore argument from seemingly blocks away and will jump in.
Has not one but TWO dedicated craft/art studios in her home
Once had a house decorated with 100% decoupaged furniture. Made a concerted effort to scale back. Occasional pieces still surface at the Commack Volunteers of America Thrift Store.
Has had so many millennials come up to her telling her that her show “practically raised me” that she has had to stop agreeing to be listed as their emergency contact, after two such millennials were injured in trust falls on the same day.
Didn’t actually sign this autographed headshot that still sits in a frame on my childhood bed headboard

true story: i made my mom take a photo of this and send it to me. she doesn’t know how to take a pic on her phone and text it, but DOES not how to take a pic on her ipad and email it. hence the reflection. WOOF.

Auditioned to play the lead of Polly in Crazy For You on Broadway but lost out to Jodi Benson (aka Ariel of The Little Mermaid fame)
Her deepest secret: “not really a cat person.”
Steven Pasquale would be her modern day/Broadway Tom Cruise-esque crush if she still had her talk show
Turns out to be A.D. in the series finale on Pretty Little Liars as a favor to Marlene King (who wrote Now and Then)
Knows that Now and Then is an American classic, she just doesn’t want to make a big deal about it.
Despite the movie being questionable, Rosie secretly took home her Exit to Eden costume “just in case”

Lobbied extensively during the filming of Harriet The Spy to have Harriet’s beloved tomato sandwich swapped for something “less disgusting.”
Owns Donald Tr*mp voodoo doll
Super tempted to pull a Michael Jordan and take back her talk show from Caroline Rhea after six months
Caroline Rhea was her second choice for a replacement. Kristin Chenoweth was first.
Geena Davis taught her archery on the set of A League of Their Own
Still texts/emails/calls A League of Their Own & Sleepless In Seattle homeboy Tom Hanks for advice

Asked British boy band BBMak if they wanted to do a duet with her on her Another Rosie Christmas album, but they respectfully declined citing an “effort to protect their brand”
Kangol sent Ro hundreds of free hats that she couldn’t possibly wear herself, so that’s why anyone who shopped at Goodwill or Salvation Army in the Greater New York City area between 1996 and 1999 are owners of said accessory
Had Mormon missionaries visit her house weekly for YEARS in an attempt to capitalize on her love for Donny Osmond. It didn’t take.
Goes without saying, her Tom Cruise obsession caused similar problems. She does not want a free personality test, thank you very much.
Secretly made the Internet with Al Gore and sneakily popularized it with her show

Is still really good friends with Madonna, and is (secretly) the only person allowed to shorten her name to “Maddie.”
Tom Cruise is on her Christmas card list, but every year she worries it could be some sort of Scientologist faux pas.
Forced John McDaniel to spill all the juicy details on working closely with Patti LuPone, and wouldn’t give him the job of musical director on her talk show until he caved
Still keeps in touch with Kathy Del Bel Baluz (sp?) from Toronto, Canada and they exchange notes about wall stenciling.

Once prank called Elisabeth Hasselbeck and asked if her refrigerator was running
Gets free bus rides from the MTA ever since Riding the Bus with my Sister aired
On the days she misses being a talk show host, she makes her kids be her guests, and acts it all out in the replica of her Rosie show set in her home
Yes, it IS cute when they change “Tommy Can You Hear Me” to “Mommy Can You Hear Me,” thank you very much.
Sent Jimmy Fallon a care basket and heartfelt (yet funny) note after his ring finger accident, since a staph infection nearly cost her her own finger too
Since childhood, Rosie has maintained a complex, multi-factor ranking of supermarket snack cakes – and has a curious aversion to the Swiss Cake Roll.
Single-handedly revived Pepto Bismol’s brand by constantly singing “plop plop fizz fizz” on her show
Found Oprah’s secret poop bathroom while filming The Rosie Show at the Queen’s studios in chicago
Secretly hated Tickle Me Elmo and all that he stood for