Author Archives: Molly

2014 Best Picture Nominees: Highs and Lows

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by

Every year, I set out to watch every Best Picture nominee. And every year, I have regrets. Sometimes my regret is that I didn’t make it to all of the movies, and sometimes it’s that I did. But the good thing about seeing (almost) all of the Best Picture nominees is that I’m now an informed blogger – and can let you know the pros and cons of (most) of this years nominated films!

12 Years A Slave

High:

Not to belabor the whole Lupita Nyong’o thing … but maybe you should all get ready to hear a lot about Lupita Nyong’o from the both of us. Her performance as the unfortunate Patsy will absolutely crush you. The audience has Solomon Northrup as a sort of guide throughout the movie – like Alice in Wonderland or Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, he’s somebody from “our” world (insofar as he wasn’t born in slavery and had never witnessed it firsthand). Patsy shows Northrup, and us, what it’s like when slavery is all you’ve ever known and you can’t imagine that you’ll get to leave it.

Let’s not forget about the bone-chilling performance by one of our other dream BFFs, Sarah Paulson, either. Chiwetel Ejiofor, too. Okay, everyone. The high point of this movie is everyone.

Low:

It’s not a reason not to see the movie – in fact, it’s why you should see it – but this really happened. We use this shortened narrative of “there was slavery, it was very bad, and then Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves” so often, it’s hard to think about all of the people that lived and died with no chance of freedom. Just go see it, okay?

You’ll feel a bit better after looking at IRL photos of the cast. See? Everyone’s OK now.

American Hustle

High:

The Academy loves a good anti-hero, and this film is full of them. You will end up thinking that just about every main character is awful by the end of the movie … but you’ll also be thinking “man, I hope these awful people succeed!”

Low:

When you leave the movie, between the comb-overs, double-dealing, and all-around 1970s sleaziness, you’ll feel like you have a fine layer of disco grime covering your skin.

You can almost smell the patchouli.

Captain Phillips

High:

Tom Hanks playing a smart, sensible guy who’s in near-peril (but it’s not Saving Private Ryan)? Using his cool wits to solve a near-impossible dilemma (but it’s not The Da Vinci Code)? And he’s at least temporarily stranded in the ocean (Cast Away)? Hey, why mess with what we already know works.

Low:

Some action sequences that were probably riveting in the theater had me reaching for my iPad or a magazine when watching it On Demand.

Dallas Buyers Club

High:

Jared Leto, Jordan Catalano of my heart, owner of the loveliest ombre tresses, was brilliant. Rayon is funny, spirited, and kind – just like real people when they get sick, AIDs didn’t become her only character trait. You can see the personality that Rayon would have whether or not she was ill –  not just the HIV-positive, trans-woman version of a Lurlene McDaniel character.

Low:

Matthew McConaughey’s weight – low in the literal sense, anyway. While necessary to show that the protagonist was running his scheme as a very ill man, I just wanted to give him a hug and an Ensure. He was truly distressing to look at. But the Academy does loooove extreme weight loss or gain.

Why yes, this WAS a shameless way to insert a photo of shirtless “before” McConaughey.

Gravity

High:

I always love a good mind-bending space movie – I may have been the only nine-year-old who was really into the Jodie Foster vehicle Contact. But the real high is how the filmmakers created what is essentially a 2-3 person story that didn’t lose your attention for a second. Also, I appreciated that the special effects were impressive, but that I was so engrossed in the story that I wasn’t going “hey, look at those special effects!”

HEY. WE’RE DOING A SPECIAL EFFECT HERE.

Low:

As Traci noted before, Gravity isn’t billed as a “scary movie” but it is unsettling just the same. It’s not just the dangers facing the main characters, it’s the way space movies remind you that you’re a tiny inconsequential speck in the universe and your time here  – even if long by our standards – is nothing.

Her

High:

There’s a lot to be said about Her’s timely message on technology and human connections – it’s sort of a modern parable. But, I actually want to talk about the production design. Her is set in the not-so-distant future, and the filmmakers conveyed that in the most brilliant way. Instead of making the film look futuristic, with silver space-suits and lots of metal, they made it look timeless. Everything is sort of mid-century and Danish modern, and the wardrobe features a lot of natural materials and high-waisted pants. This makes sense because fashions are always cycling in and out, so it’s plausible that in a decade’s time this 1960s aesthetic will be in style. Plus, this way in 10 years the film won’t look as dated as it would if the characters were dressed like it was 2013. Instead of a hard-edged computer age color palette – metallic red, cobalt blue, jet black – everything is in muted tropical tones, with a lot of coral, teal, and soft yellow. The whole movie I kept seeing details in furniture or clothing and going “hey! look what they did there!”

Even the operating system has a clean-lined mid-century look — almost like the Steampunk idea, but for the 60s instead of early 1900s.

Low:

(1) At some point in the movie, you’re probably going to think it would be fun to be friends with an Operating System, then realize that that seems really sad.

(2) The producer, Megan Ellison, is 28. TWENTY EIGHT. There is no reason to feel inferior, because she has some crazy family connections. Her father is a billionaire and she began financing films several years ago. Ellison clearly worked hard to take advantage of the plum hand she was dealt, so I don’t fault her a bit. But rather than feeling like you’ve wasted your life, remember that Ellison didn’t exactly rise from lower- or middle-class obscurity.

Nebraska

High:

About ⅓ of my business contacts are in Nebraska, and they’re all very smart, no-nonsense, level Midwesterners. I like that in a working relationship.

Low:

My “high” was a generalized comment about Nebraskans who I know because I haven’t seen the movie yet. Maybe my “high” should be that it’s now available at Redbox, so we’ll all have time to rent it before Sunday.

Philomena

High:

Steve Coogan, in a remarkably straight role, proves that comedians often make the best dramatic actors. The script was dryly funny, and Coogan was believable as a wry journalist.

Low:

I don’t know if I saw this movie in a cinema that had smell-o-vision or what, but my theater smelled 100% like a combination of Old Lady and Church. That may be less a coincidence, and more that it was a Sunday morning show in a WASP-y suburb.

The Wolf Of Wall Street

High:

LEO. Of course.

Low:

Yeah…I didn’t see this movie. I read descriptions of some scenes that I just knew I didn’t want filling up my head-space. Maybe when it’s on HBO or something, you know?

Related articles

Why Adults Don’t Dress As Cool As Teenagers

Posted in Outfit Girl by

I’m not sure when it happened, but I’ve somehow become an adult – sartorially speaking, anyway. The other day I was on a bus packed with teenagers, and as I was looking around I thought to myself “it looks like these kids all walked out of tumblr or polyvore!” Then, I realized that this probably wasn’t an exceptionally hip group of kids. It’s just that I wasn’t a kid anymore. I looked at my own clothes, and realized that if you saw me walking down the street anytime within the past decade, nothing would have seemed amiss.

I can remember being 16 or so, and thinking that even people in their later 20s dressed so boring. I was right, of course – but there are reasons for it. So, I hope all of those tumblr-y teens on public transpo take note: adults may not look as cool as you, but there are reasons they don’t follow every fad out there:

Adults Have Had Their Clothes Longer

Oh, this old thing? Bought it years ago!

This is the main reason, and it really is that simple — if you’re an adult, chances are there are more pieces in your wardrobe that you’ve had for a long time, thus you won’t look as trendy as a teen. It’s not because adults don’t keep up with the times, though. It’s because:

(1) Adults have been alive longer. Straight up.

(2) Teens are growing, so they have to turn over their wardrobe more regularly. With the exception of some sad old t-shirts and sweatshirts, a kid who’s, let’s say, 15 wouldn’t even be able to fit into clothes that are more than – MAX – 5 years old.  In contrast, as an adult who’s been the same size since I was 12, I can wear clothes from the old millennium. It’s pretty hard to look cutting-edge in an Ann Taylor sweater from 2005.

Adults Invest in Quality Pieces

I don’t think… they read… the book…

Obviously an adult can’t wear clothes from years and years ago if those clothes have fallen apart in the wash. Once you know you aren’t growing anymore, and once you have car payments and mortgages to think about, it’s time to get smart with your money. Most adults have realized this and, in addition to those cheap Target and H&M things that you just can’t pass up, you probably have some fairly solid pieces that have stood the test of time. Today I’m wearing a Brooks Brothers shirt that’s 4 years old and not showing any signs of wear yet, which is a lot cheaper than buying a new one from Dress Barn every year.  When you’re buying something that you intend to keep for up to a decade, you aren’t going with a trend piece. You’re going to buy a classic – thus, you will look tidy, presentable, and possibly even stylish — but not necessarily fashionable. My general system is that I’ll buy anything faddish on the cheap (I’m not too good for Forever 21), but I’m willing to shell out more money for things that will last.

Adults Have Jobs. And They Buy Clothes To Wear To Their Jobs.

Beef up those shoulders and get to work! Accessorize with a glass of wine. Always include a lit candle in presentations. – John T. Molloy

It’s perfectly acceptable to go to school looking casual (unless you went to Catholic school like we did — under our dress code, I dressed about the same as a 16-year-old as I do now working in legal publishing). But, for many of us with office-y desk jobs, you have to look a bit more buttoned-up at work. A lot of us buy pieces that can do double duty. I have some outfits that I could never, ever wear at the office, of course, and some of my work clothes would be too boring to wear on the weekend. Still, it’s a big plus when I can find a top that would look good with a cardigan and dress pants at work,  but that I could wear with skinny jeans and flats on the weekend. When you were 17 you probably didn’t think about whether your outfit would work for both running errands and running into your boss at the water cooler.

Adults Are Fat

Your hair also gets more permed. Of course, if this image were really accurate, at one point the woman would begin wearing a skirted bathing suit.

Okay, I kid. But still, I hate to break it to you, but after a while things just aren’t where they were in your teens. In case you think it won’t happen to you, consider this. I weigh a little less than I did as a (pretty small) teen, have an “athlete” body fat percentage (which is the only athletic thing about me, trust), and yet I cannot pull off things I did at 15 when everything was sort of magically where it was supposed to be. Everything’s a little sadder and weaker looking now. Sorry guys. Enjoy what you have while you have it.

Adults can remember wearing trends the first time.

Like I always say, a good lace frock with a sash never goes out of style.

You teens don’t know what it’s like yet, but someday you will. I see the neon, high-waisted shorts, crop tops, leggings and flannel, and think to myself “oh, that’s how I remember 1993 looking.” And that feels weird, guys. That feels really weird. Sometimes adults don’t dress cool because “cool” means dressing up as your own second grade class picture.

Adults Are Trying To Look Their Age

I’m a SERIOUS ADULT!

Between my stature and my freckles, I look like I should be playing Opie’s girlfriend in an episode of Andy Griffith. To be accepted as an adult, I can’t dress like a kid. In fact, I probably have to dress a bit older than my age just so that people realize that I’m in my 20s. And adults who are on the other end of the spectrum – who look older than their years – probably also shy away from faddish fashions, because nothing ages you more than trying to look like you’re still a teenager.

Okay. I’ll admit it. Some Adults Just Don’t Know What’s Cool.

You ever see those ladies in their late 40s who are still dressed like they’re smoking cigarettes in the girls’ room in 1985? That’s because their idea of looking cool is wearing what was cool when they were teenagers. Let’s face it, some adults truly just don’t know what’s in style, so to feel young they default to whatever was in style when they were kids, recapturing the same look. Although I would never say that your teen years are the best years of your life, I will say that it’s a time when a lot of people feel – right or wrong – like they’re on the top of their fashion game. Now you kids pipe down on the bus. The old lady in slacks and sensible flats is trying to read her book.

Related articles

Live Blog: Ladies’ Figure Skating Final – Sochi 2014

Posted in Live Blogs, Miscellany, Outfit Girl by

Well, it’s the big day for figure skating, and everybody’s ready. Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski are wearing matching gold headbands. Lipinski looks like she has serious plastic-surgery face – like that cat woman you see in gossip rags sometimes – but it’s just the result of some over-aggressive contouring makeup from the folks at NBC. She’s a pretty girl. They could let up on the bronzer.

I’m not watching the Hunger Games, but I feel like I’m watching the Hunger Games. Weir does an admirable Claudius Templesmith, but Lipinski’s Effie Trinket could use some more drama in the hair department. Let’s start this thing.

Park So Youn

Country: South Korea

Costume

Really feeling the midnight blue skating dress thing with ice blue sequins. Not so princessy. Kind of a “Frozen” thing?

Music

Classical music, but the dramatic kind, not the dreamy kind.

Skating

Is watching figure skating to see if someone falls the same as watching Nascar for the crashes or hockey for the fights? But I’ll admit: I hate watching people fail. Nothing would make me happier than a figure skating competition where every person is at the top of their game and the winners and losers are separated by fractions of a point.

The Good: Graceful, ballet influences? Pretty arms. The floaty non- jump parts. This one really gorgeous spin.

The bad: A few of those landings weren’t awesome; fell once.

Brooklee Han

Country: Australia (LOL no)

Screw this, Han was born and raised in the U.S.  Not Australian. I repeat: Not Australian. Our first carpetbagger of the night. I wonder if she can she compete for US after this in other Olympics, if she qualifies?

Costume

The red thing looks a little adult, like a weird abbreviated evening gown from 1994. It’s the v-shaped jeweled choker element. I know the French braid is a figure skating classic – reminds me of watching Nancy Kerrigan back in the day – but I like how clean it is.

Music

This music – it reminds me of the Anne of Green Gables soundtrack.

Weir: A lot of people chose “pretty princess” music.

Lipinski, paraphrased: People play songs on repeat if it gets them going for jumps, etc.

Weir: What was that song you used to play?

Lipinksi: Pulp Fiction.

LOL.

Skating

Fun fact: Brooklee is a violinist and an equestrienne, and now I feel inferior.  For lack of better way to put it, she’s a very emotional skater. You can tell she’s a musician because she really seems to get inside the music, though Weir feels like she’s just connecting jumps. Fall count: 1, I think?

Gabrielle Daleman

Country: Canada

Costume

The costume is very  Jasmine from Aladdin. I like it, even if it sort of reminds me of the middriff-baring prom dresses that people wore in the early 2000s. It’s a nice color. Sort of a peacock feather thing going on.I don’t know how I feel about this thing where the tights go over the skates so it looks like you’re barefoot but with enormous, deformed bladed feet. I sort of want them to bring back the classic white skates a la Sonja Henie. But I also know that if your feet and legs are the same color you get a longer line – that’s why so many short women are told to wear flesh-colored shoes – so I get it.

Music

Polynesian Dances

Skating

It’s her first international event as a senior skater. Yet, she has an older feel than a lot of the skaters out there. No, she doesn’t look old for her age, but she looks more athletic and less willow-y and gawky than some of the kiddos out there. Gabrielle does NOT look happy with that performance. Just noticed she had jewels at the corner of her eyes. Cute.

Should we count how many times they say “kiss and cry?”

Elisaveta Ukolova

Country: Czech Republic

…however, she was born in Russia. Doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore?

Costume

Lipinski: She’s starting with a very pretty dress.

And she is, really – floral beading. A nice change. But talk about old-school – I spy a scrunchie! Wow. I think scrunchies have survived in skating, dance and cheerleading long after they died in the real world. I’m not even opposed, but I don’t like the red scrunchie with the dark blue dress.

Music

It starts with a really fun swing number, but then it transitions to a slower classical thing. It was a weird transition and frankly I’m not feeling it. One or the other, you know? It was fun to start with something up-tempo and a little different, like Polina did in her short skate (which I loved). Then it transitions back into swing. Hmmm. I see why she did this for figure skating purposes but I’m not into it.

Skating

Elisaveta fell on the triple loop. “Most beautiful technique” as she bursts into the air on her jumps. But, “sort of tripping,” says Lipinski. She fell again, and had trouble getting going after it (to me anyway). Very “meh” says Weir, because with her music she should be more ebullient. I agree. “A rough skate,” says Lipinski.

Anne Line Gjersem

Country: Norway

Why are people from Scandinavian countries so good-looking? Is it the high standard of living and healthy food? Seriously this kid is so pretty. First skater from Norway in 50 years, which is surprising to me on account of all of their ice.

Costume

I love this! It’s sort of magenta and pink, and looks very youthful and modern, for a skate costume. It’s sequined all over, but doesn’t have so many patches of heavy sequinning. With West Side Story the obvious choice would have been a white dress like Maria wears in I Feel Pretty, but the bright young number is kind of evocative of the red/pink the character wears in a lot of productions.

Music

West Side Story “Everyone is expecting to see some West Side Story, and it’s just not happening.” – Lipinski. “She’s putting it to use, but there’s no connection between her face, her body, and this music playing over the loud speaker.” Personally, I’m just excited to hear a musical score that’s not Les Miserables.

Skating

I loved some of her quicker transitions between moves. She’s “really struggling on the flying camel spin,” according to someone who knows. “A little skirt ruffling, Johnny.” “A little cha-cha.” Felt like watching her work, instead of a performance, according to Weir.

Nicole Rajicova

Country: Slovakia (by way of USA)

Okay, but just so we’re clear, Nicole is from Long Island. So, I’m pretty sure that whoever wins, America really wins. However, my grandmother was Slovak and you really only hear about Slovakia during the Winter Olympics, so I like this girl. Nicole is totally trying to up her Slovak factor by changing her name from Rojik to Rojikova (in Eastern Europe surnames are gendered, but obviously once families immigrate to English-speaking countries, they drop this for logistical reasons).

Costume

Sort of a black and red Flamenco thing, complete with red flower in her hair. Dramatic, not what I’d have chosen with her coloring, but I like that she didn’t go with the classic “I’m an angelic ice princess” look.

Music

Sassy classical? A little bit of a tango thing going on maybe? It’s different but not SO different. I like it.

Skating

She fell early on (they all seem to fall on that first big element, if they’re going to fall), but otherwise she had a lot of really graceful and clean landings. I think there was another wobble in there. Lipinski and Weir thinks she’s too in her head about it, thinking about what she has to do next. I do NOT like this one move she does when she just sort of picks up one foot to waist level for a second, like “hey, look at my heel!” Lipinski and Weir were NOT into it.

Kaetlyn Osmond

Country: Canada

“Skating is so popular in Canada, it’s amazing there haven’t been more champions,” the commentators say. “Every girl figure skates, every boy plays hockey.” If we’re playing the Canadian Stereotypes game, after all of the ice sports they then all go to Tim Hortons, where Mayor Ford is mid-crack binge, pay with a few loonies and toonies, then drive their snowmobile home to catch a few episodes of Degrassi. And they do it all so politely.

Costume

She is “portraying Cleopatra, if it wasn’t apparent”, according to Weir. It wasn’t, so thanks. Still, it’s a nice maroon dress with a lot of gold happening on the back.

Music

The kind of heavily horn-sectioned classical that seems like it’s from an epic movie soundtrack.

Skating

She does a few Cleopatra-ish hand things, so that’s cool. There’s one fall, but also a lot of beautiful soaring elements. The choreography is more narrative and sassy than a lot of what we’ve seen so far.

Hey. What if we all just settled on one spelling of Caitlin and everyone had to use that from now on? Could we all just do that?

Elene Gedevanishvili

Country: Georgia

Underdog country! But, she’s lived in Russia, Canada, the US, etc to change coaches, although she was born in Georgia. Elene moved to Russia to skate but her mother was deported after Georgia-Russia tensions escalated.

Costume

It sort of looks like an ethnic Eastern European costume you’d see on a figure skating version of a Madame Alexander doll. Black brocade bodice, red skirt. Nice.

Music

Evidently Elene carefully selects her music. Unsurprisingly, it falls into the “dramatic classical” category.

Skating

I really like the quickness of this piece. Just, really strong balletic connections between elements. However, the commentators feel like she “checked out mentally” after her first fall. I do not like how she came out of her last spin. They don’t like her attitude.

Kim Haejin

Kim Haejin actually has a normal number of legs.

Country: South Korea

Costume

Black, silver sequins, not the most interesting but pretty. She was doing a “black swan” thing so it worked, but could have been more dramatic. Evidently since the movie, more skaters are skating as the black swan than the white swan. Cool.

Music

Swan Lake. “Her idol, Yuna Kim recommended it for her.” Guys, I want to talk about Yuna. She sounds like such a good supporter of the other South Korean skaters – really positive and encouraging, like a figure skating Amy Poehler. I like her. Like, Yuna doesn’t sound like that girl who would say “oh, that music would be GREAT for you” or, I don’t know, “your ass looks AWESOME in those jeans,” when it’s not true, just to sabotage you.

Skating

One really, really bummer fall where she hits the boards. She recovers well, and seems like a really athletic skater. Beautiful spins.

Kanako Murakami

Country: Japan

The Japanese skaters seem to have a really nice camaraderie. Kanako wore a blazer from teammate Mao Asada, an idol of hers, to her high school entrance ceremony. This is what I love about figure skating, Kerrigan-Harding stuff aside. Unlike in team sports, members of each country’s team are in essence competing against each other, so it’s heartening to see this level of support. You even see skaters from other countries commending each other’s performances on TV and twitter.

Costume

The one black mesh arm is fine, actually. Love the violet and black. Love the lightly sequined back. Do NOT love the odd crucifix/dagger/saber thing that’s sequined onto the waist. At all.

Music

Very typical string-heavy classical. Hey, if it ain’t broke…

Skating

She does a “smack and nod” on the boards before going out to skate. Cute. “Nicely done,” according to Lipinski, and I agree. It was a mostly clean skate, very graceful. The judges agree. One spin looked under-rotated, but closer examination revealed that it wasn’t.

Zhang Kexin

Country: China

Costume

I guess black and red are THE thing this year? A little gray in there too. No complaints. A lot of sequins, but I really like that during spins.

Music

It’s the floaty, stringy classical again.

Skating

WOW her jumps are beautiful. They look really high for someone who looks like a pretty short lady. She does a few slower spins, and I don’t know if those fare as well as the speedy ones in scoring, but it’s lovely. The commentators think she sort of “throws her arms around,” so I guess she’s more of an element skater and less of a dancer. You get bonus points (there’s a more technical word for it) for jumps in the second half of the program, and she gets them. They think she’s “too relaxed” and “marking her program, not performing it,” and I do see what they’re saying but I also really like her looseness and ease. In a classic Weir analogy, he says the performance is like “eating cavier every day” because you get accustomed to the amazing jumps. She seems a bit under-scored.

Mao Asada

Country: Japan

Costume

My personal favorite! A blue/violet/indigo/magenta feathery number.

Music

Piano-heavy classical.

Skating

Asada was supposed to be a contender, but is 16th place going into this skate. This may be her farewell performance. It’s a great one to go out on. “She has a quick snap about her today,” says Lipinski. Mao triple axels like a boss. It’s just so FUN to watch her skate. Everything she does looks easy, even though today I was struggling just to make it across an icy parking lot without falling so clearly it isn’t. THIS is what I was talking about when I said that I like watching people succeed. It’s just so satisfying to watch everything go right. She hits every jumping pass. Crowd goes wild. She looks heartbroken, because even this perfect skate can’t make up for yesterday’s. If you’ve missed it, Asada has the ultimate human interest story in the skating event. She lost her mother while she was out of the country and couldn’t make it back home in time.

Break

During the long resurfacing break between the second and third sets, I switched over to the Women’s Hockey final. Go USA! I almost started to tear up a bit when one of the hockey players talked about her disappointment when she realized that women didn’t play professional hockey, and her resolve to become an Olympic hockey player instead. Ughhh.

Apropos of nothing: when I was a little kid, I wanted to be the girl who skates around after a figure skating competitor, picking up the teddy bears and flowers that people throw onto the ice. I always did know how to dream mediocre.

Li Zijun

Country: China

Costume

You know, since this is the first cotton-candy girly pink skate dress we’ve seen, it looks really pleasantly surprising. She’s skating as Coppelia, so it’s fitting.

Music

Coppelia, of course.

Skating

Zijun is selling the theme routine, because before they announced what she was doing, I saw her stiff arm movements and thought “hey, she’s doing Coppelia!” She’s a good jumper and very sprightly and girlish on the ice. The commentators would like it to build a bit more through the program – a bit bigger and more exuberant. She is a touch restrained.

Mae Berenice Meite

Country: France

Why does the English name Bernice sound so blah, when the French Berenice is so pretty?

Costume

Oh my goodness! This whole time I’ve been wondering “what if somebody just showed up in pants?” And then Mae did it! Leave it to a French lady to show some sartorial restraint. Didn’t Surya Bonaly compete in pants one time too? It’s actually a bit risky because judges don’t love when skaters go off-book. Weir loves the shoulders and thinks the pants work on her. Sort of a “Lady Gaga/Beyonce” structure to the body suit, according to Lipinski. I think she has the first funky nails I’ve seen, too. I like this lady.

Music

The kind of smooth electric guitar that would play in the steamy scene of a tv movie from the early 90s. ZZ Top ends up in there. A potentially distracting number of music edits, say the commentators.

Skating

Mae falls on a triple loop. The music goes into a more rock-ish, clappy section, and the skating picks up a bit. Mae has some sassy choreo in there, and some high jumps as well. I’ve never seen a skater look so casual about landing such beautiful spins.

Akiko Suzuki

Country: Japan

Costume

Pastel, flowery, heavily sequined bodice. It’s gorgeous.

Music

Very music box sounding. Perfect with the costume. It picks up into a rapid violin/ orchestral movement, then that unmistakable Phantom Of The Opera riff and a flowy string rendition of ‘Think of Me.” Phantom is probably second only to Les Mis as the most-used musical score in figure skating.

Skating

Akiko is a delicate, graceful skater. Her jumping passes don’t go so well – she falls once. Akiko is very expressive and does an excellent job of coordinating her face, and the amount of force with which she skates, to the music. Some of these skaters seem more like artists and some seem more like athletes. Akiko is a dancer. Her closing spin is fantastic.

Valentina Marchei

Country: Italy

Costume

Diaphonous black number with a ruffly neck. The skirt is slightly longer and it’s more adult than a lot of what we’ve seen. You know how Italian ladies (as in from Italy, not Italian-American) look so great when they’re in their 40s and 50s? Like, it’s a good thing there to look like a grown adult instead of a girl? Valentina’s definitely Italian in her wardrobe choices here. There are barely-detectable sparkles in her tights, which is a nice touch.

Music

Nyah by Hans Zimmer

Skating

To go along with her costume, she starts with some moves that are … oddly sultry, for figure skating? I like that she sticks to the theme throughout the program. You see a lot of skaters open their program on some thematic choreography, only to drop it for a series of jumps later on. Marchei is definitely a performer. She’s more fun to watch than some of the flashier skaters.

Fun fact: at 27, this is Valentina’s first Olympics – how unusual is that in this sport? She has background as a speed skater and a gymnast, as well. The older I get, the more I root for the older figure skaters because it might be their last chance. Older is relative, of course — our oldest ladies are only  27 and 28.

Polina Edmunds

Country: USA
Costume

Flowy, asymettrical hemlined number in powdery-tealy-blue, with a nice jeweled neckline. It does a good job of making Polina look willowy and graceful – she has that look of a tall girl who only recently shot up and is still sort of gangly and gawky, but she can look pretty and lithe in the right clothes. She tends to go with more gussied-up hairstyles, but keeps it really sweet with pearls and jeweled flowers. I like it.

Music

I can’t identify the first piece, but it segues into Vivaldi’s Spring movement from the Four Seasons. It feels cliche but I can’t remember the last time I actually heard it. She’s so young and innocent looking that it really suits her.

Skating

She starts off with a triple lutz-triple toe and some other combination that I can’t remember, except that it was beautiful. I can’t imagine being 15 and getting on the ice and doing anything other than puking (and falling, of course) but I see no nerves from this girl – until she takes a little tumble. Otherwise, she looks great. Her stage mom trained her well.

Does she remind anyone else of Emma Nelson from the earlier seasons of Degrassi?

And do this many people usually fall? It used to seem like a disaster that happened once in a great while, but it doesn’t even seem serious now – almost everyone has.

Nathalie Weinzierl

Country: Germany

Costume

A vivid, indigo-blue dress. The color seriously suits her.

Music

Rhapsody in Blue? Yes! I like this! I get what she was doing with that costume. Some dude on the twitter feed calls it “the United airlines song” and I’ll take his word for it. I fly a lot of Southwest and Jet Blue, myself.

Skating

So, the jumps were a little glitchy, but the girl can spin. Weir thinks she has an “old-fashioned” jumping technique, and I’ll take his word for it. It was sort of just okay.

Yulia Lipnitskaya

Country: Russia

Costume

Red coat, because… well, you’ll see when we get to music.

Music

Schindler’s List. There we go.

Skating

After a disappointing short skate, Yulia has to bring it here. I think this girl really deserves the buzz. I obviously don’t know much about skating, but I know who is and isn’t fun to watch. She isn’t just technically talented, she’s graceful and expressive as well. The crowd erupts when she lands the jump she missed in the short program. Oh no… she takes a heck of a tumble toward the end of the program. As always, she’s the best spinner out there. This was good, but not like what we saw from her at the team competition. I feel guilty, in a sort of a Hunger Games-y way, for getting entertainment out of an event that’s so much pressure on such really young kids. Her face when it ends just kills me. I know the skaters are here because they WANT to be here, but still.

Not gonna lie, Lipinski sounds a touch relieved that her spot as the youngest gold medalist might be safe. Yulia is first after her skate, but there is some big-time competition coming up.

Carolina Kostner

Country: Italy

Costume

Like her Italian compatriot, Kostner wears a sleek black number that says “I am a 27-year-old grown-ass woman. Move over children.”

Music

Bolero. Whatever, I love it.

Skating

That was a hell of a skate to go out on! She keeps landing these jumps coming down on angles where I think she can’t possibly nail it, but she does every time. There’s a great joy and musicality to her program, especially after the jumping passes are out of the way. I don’t know what it is about this performance over the other ones, but I almost tear up a bit because you can see that she’s just out there pouring everything into this, and enjoying it. Damn, girl. Ya did good.

Fun fact: Carolina’s father was an Italian hockey player.

NOPE. As she leaves the ice her coach says “now do you believe in yourself?” and at this point the tears are real. She takes the lead and beats her personal best.

Adelina Sotnikova

Country: Russia

Costume

Dusty lavender with gold. A sort of Downton Abbey color combo. There’s some weird geometric stuff going on with the sequins.

Music

Slower violins, moving into a rondo.

Skating

As we move further into the competition, you can see why these top skaters – Costner, Gold, and yes, even Sotkonikova – are the ones we keep hearing about. There’s just such a distinct difference between these later sets and the earlier ones. Less falling, for one thing. But more than that, these higher-scored skaters are so skilled at combining rhythm, grace, expression, story AND fancy jumps. It’s not just a string of lutzes. Adelina falters a bit after one jump but overall it is one heck of a satisfying program to watch. Her rotations are so darn quick! It’s even more fun once the jumping passes end and she can showboat a little, even seeming to encourage the crowd to clap. Adelina, like Carolina, is having fun out there. You can see it. The hometown crowd loves her. Holy crap, Adelina is only 17.

The lead is hers now. MAN. I think in the last group of skaters we can just get used to a lot of turnarounds. Do I think she was THAT far ahead of Costner? I guess I don’t know enough to judge that. There could be a home-court advantage, though Adelina was certainly good.

Gracie Gold

Country: USA

Costume

The girl knows what works for her. The ice blue and silver sequins, with her blond hair, is the perfect figure skating Grace Kelly look.

Music

Sleeping Beauty

Skating

Gracie Gold – who, as every news outlet must note, has the best possible name for a figure skater – is graceful. Again, very easy to see the difference between this performance and the lower-scored competitors. But SHOOT. She falls. “Ouch,” says the commentator. “Ouch,” says the audience. “Whatever,” says Gracie, who continues to skate beautifully after it. But after the last two skaters, it’s clear that the fall is going to keep her out of the top spot.

Ashley Wagner

Country: USA

Could Ashley Wagner look any more like an Ashley? Man.

Costume

Wagner has said that she likes to skate as a character, and she’s going as Delilah. She explained that she went with yellow because it’s the most eye-catching color, and that it is. She’s a bit more “adult” than a lot of the kiddos out on the ice, so the skimpier costume works for her.

Music

Samson and Delilah

Skating

By this point you probably heard that, if the US Team had been selected based on the Nationals (as it usually is), Wagner wouldn’t be on the team. There was some talk that Wagner was chosen because she’s a crowd favorite with some pretty serious endorsements, but the official line is that she was chosen because, other than Nationals, she was the strongest skater in the US. I really really want them to be right, so I hope she does awesome out there.

It’s good. The jumps are good, the spins are good, the character is evident, and it seems like Ashley’s having a blast. It’s not quite as clean as some of the other performances we’ve seen, but very good. She’s in 6th. Not as good as I’d hoped, but I’ll never be 6th best in the world at anything. But I bet when you are the sixth best in the world at something, all you can think is how close it is to first, but also how far.

Yuna Kim

Country: South Korea

Costume

A two-tone maroon (oxblood? magenta?) and black number. It’s nice, but not distractingly so. I like the clean, high neckline.

Music

Piano-heavy jazzy classical. Some accordion (???) later on.

Skating

Beautiful. Even the Russian crowd is into it, and it’s seemed like they were trying to hold back their enthusiasm after Adelina skated so well. So clean and crisp! I have not seen anyone transition so quickly between jumps. The commentators say that it was “tight,” and once again I’ll take their word.

Okay — not enough for gold. The crowd is going insane. Our medalists are:

(1)Adelina Sonokava

(2) Yuna Kim

(3) Carolina Kostner

I cannot even be disappointed that the United States didn’t medal. All of the medalists were amazing. Adelina was a bit of an underdog after Yulia’s strong showing in the team competition. Yuna Kim proved why she is considered one of the best in the world. Carolina Kostner was possibly my favorite to watch – a really joyful skater.  The first ever Russian gold in ladies figure skating – in Russia. That was awesome.

Related articles

The Proper Age To Give Up Your Winter Olympic Dream

Posted in Miscellany by

Remember watching the Olympics when you were a kid? There was a whole world of possibility! You could watch any sport and wonder whether maybe you had some innate gift for it and would be competing for your country in 20 years.

As you moved through your later childhood and teen years, your dreams had to die bit by bit. You’d realize that you weren’t even the best hockey player on your school’s team, or you’d fail to qualify for regionals in track. Maybe you shot up to a stocky 5’10 and realized you wouldn’t be much of a gymnast. Or maybe you didn’t get that far — maybe, by age 12 or so, you came to realize that you’re just … not athletic.

And yet, every two years – at the summer and winter Olympics – I start to get a little ahead of myself. Just like when I was five years old, I watch the events and wonder if maybe it’s not too late.

Well, friends, I’m here to kill those dreams. I’ve done a little research, and it looks like if you haven’t started most Winter Olympics events by a certain (usually young) age, you’ll never be using “next-level Tinder” in the Olympic village or wearing your country’s weird Cosby/teacher sweater in the Parade of Nations.

Obviously, there are exceptions to all of these. There really are savants who can take up a sport and be at a competitive level right away. There are also some people who are so preternaturally athletic that they’ll excel in any sport you throw at them. Of course, if you’re already skilled in a closely related sport, it’s also not that hard to take up a new one. Generally, though, there are timelines for these things:

Alpine Skiing, Freestyle Skiing, Ski Jumping

I guess with most downhill and … I don’t know, fancy, jump-y?… skiing events, it’s less the exact age that you start, and more that (1) you begin fairly young, and most importantly (2) you ski regularly when you’re young, not just on a once-annual ski vacation. Most Olympians started skiing – at least regular, bunny hill skiing – by the time they were six or seven. A skier could theoretically start later, but most Olympians came from skiing families and their parents weren’t going to wait until they were 11 to put them on the slopes.  Coming from a family that skis means that you got to ski regularly during your childhood – and definitely teen – years. A kid whose parents maybe took them to the slopes in sixth grade, then went once a year or so after that, just isn’t going to develop the necessary skills.

Cross Country Skiing, Biathlon, Nordic Combined

The great thing about cross-country skiing is that even very young children can start. It’s tougher than it looks, and competitive-level cross country skiing has massive energy demands and uses pretty much every muscle group. That being said, a very athletically inclined, very fit person could probably begin cross country skiing and move up the competitive ranks even if he or she started in early adulthood – if they were the very rare case, and put a ton of time and effort into it. If you’re interested, the US Ski Team website can point you to USSA Clubs that will introduce you to recreational and competitive Nordic skiing. At the very least, you’ll pick up a fun hobby and work on your fitness.

Bobsleigh

If you’ve followed the US bobsled team this year, you know that track star Lolo Jones joined the team after beginning training just last year. Of course, she falls into the “preternaturally athletic” category, so … you know. But I bet you’ve also seen Cool Runnings, right? If not, what were you doing in the 90s? Find it on Netflix or get it at your local library. Please. Those guys were from Jamaica – so, you know, not the snowiest – and began practicing on dry land. However, like Miss Jones, these fellas were pretty athletic to start with. The real problem with bobsled (bobsleigh, I guess?) is opportunity. You probably don’t have the equipment, training, climate, or local interest to start. But if you can get together all of those things, and are already a strong, fast person, and ideally have citizenship in a country that’s not very competitive about winter sports, you just might make it.

Curling

Curling is the one sport that all of us can look at and think “yep, I can do it.” Truly, you could start curling at a pretty advanced age and make it to the Olympics. It’s not a sport that relies on the sprightliness of youth, and the physical demands don’t require years of conditioning. Nevertheless, there is a certain skill to curling, and it will take a while to develop the knack for it. If you join a local curling club and get serious about it, curling is a sport that doesn’t necessitate childhood training. That doesn’t mean that anyone can do it – just that if you’re going to be good at it, you can start as a grown-up.

Figure Skatingtumblr_n0sqxsYNw41rtfj70o4_400

Are you old enough to be reading this post? Like, your mom isn’t reading it aloud to you because you’re still getting Hooked on Phonics? Then you’re probably too old for this one. Most figure skaters took to the ice by – at the latest – upper elementary school (and that’s only if they’re really, naturally good at it). It’s a sport that can put a lot of wear on you, which is why you don’t see a lot of figure skaters competing after their late 20s or early 30s. By their teens, most serious figure skaters are putting in early mornings on the rink, and possibly getting home schooled. True story: when both my sister and I expressed interest in figure skating, my dad brushed us off with “okay, but you’d have to move to Texas to do it.” Why Texas? Who knows. We only wanted to skate for fun, but if you’re a serious competitor, you could easily move cities or states for the sport once you’re in high school. The only scenario I could see where someone could start figure skating in late childhood or early teens is if they already were already a very solid regular skater, and were skilled in dance, acrobatics, or gymnastics besides. And frankly, even that is a stretch.

Ice Hockeytumblr_mjc9a6Ttru1qzlfumo1_500

Take it from someone who lives in the cold, white north: most competitive hockey players get really serious, really young. Most hockey players start to skate when they’re really little, and are on teams by the late-single digits. Frequently, hockey players will join competitive regional club teams rather than their high school team. Of course, there can be exceptions. A very good team athlete – maybe at field hockey or soccer – who also knows how to skate very well could maybe join their high school team and get pretty good. That would be a rare case indeed, though. A kid will usually be competing pretty seriously by junior high. However, most of those rag-tag kiddos in The Mighty Ducks hadn’t put on skates before, and they were competing against the best hockey teens in the world, so who knows?

Luge and Skeleton

Sad yet true sign of my misspent college years: while watching the luge competition, I thought to myself “hey, this is just like an ice luge! But with humans!” Then I realized that I’m an idiot. According to the United States Luge Association, there are many levels of team participation, with hundreds of athletes trying out every year. It is best for kids to start luge by age 10, and it generally takes about 8-10 years to develop skills to compete at the international level. British athlete Lizzy Yarnold recently said that you cant start bobsleigh or skeleton until age 16. Evidently skeleton star Amy Williams didn’t begin until she was 19 or 20. The skill set just isn’t as fine-tuned as that for luge.

Snowboard

What I said of skiing is basically true for snowboard. Most athletes start young and practice regularly. The only difference here is that, at least in the past, a lot of snowboarders would start with skiing as kids, then go into snowboard later in their teens, already having developed the center of gravity to, um, get down a mountain okay. That’s changed a bit, and more and more people have begun snowboarding in childhood. Still, a very talented skier could begin boarding as a teen, turn out to have a gift for it, and be at international level by their 20s. In theory. Sometimes. Once again, hitting the slopes twice a year will not get you there.

Speed Skating

In countries where speed skating is a big deal (Hello, Netherlands. You’re made of canals), kids start on the ice practically right after they learn how to walk. If you’re from a less speed skating-heavy country, and are already a darn good skater thanks to figure skating, hockey, or just lots of practice and natural talent, you could put off competing until a little later. Speed skating is a sport of the young, though – the “masters” level starts at age 30. Ouch.

In conclusion, at least there’s still curling, right?

1990s Figure Skaters: Where Are They Now

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by

Figure skating will always be a sport of the 90s for me. First of all, you have a soundtrack of smooth soft-rock and soaring pop ballads for the routines. I know you can use modern or classical music, but when I think figure skating I think Celine Dion, or music from Beauty and the Beast.

Then, you have the sequined, fancy costumes. And finally, the shellacked hair, often with permed, hairsprayed bangs. Not to mention the pre-2000s pop culture nods to skating – Ice Castle, The Cutting Edge, this one episode of 90210 I probably wasn’t supposed to be watching.

Somehow, it’s been 20 years since many of these skaters first graced the ice. As part of our Sochi 2014 coverage, and in celebration of the most 90s-tastic sport ever, we present 90s Figure Skaters: Where Are they Now.

Michelle Kwan

Michelle Kwan was your classic, girl-next-door skating champ — if the girl next door to you was an internationally ranked elite athlete, that is. You may remember that Kwan probably should have made it to the 1994 Olympics in Lillehammer, but the spot went to Nancy Kerrigan instead. But in 1998, Kwan won silver in Nagano, and four years later she took the bronze in Salt Lake City — all at the age of 17 and 21, respectively.

So what’s Michelle up to these days? Get ready to be really, really impressed. She has worked as an American diplomat, earned a master’s from Tufts, and works for the Bureau of Educational and Cultural affairs. She recently married Clay Pell, of the Pell Grant Pells. You can listen to her figure skating commentary during the Sochi games.

Oksana Baiul

Ukranian teen Oksana Baiul took the figure skating world by storm in 1994, a year that was to figure skating what 1996 was to gymnastics. Competing on injected anesthetics after a blade-induced injury, then 16-year-old Oksana took gold in women’s singles. Shortly thereafter, Baiul turned pro and toured in one of those Champions on Ice tours that were all the rage at the time. After falling on some rough times – she was charged with driving while intoxicated, and attended rehab – Oksana made a turnaround (a triple toe loop, if you will) and began designing clothing for the Oksana Baiul Collection, starred in an ice skating musical (no, really), and even appeared on the Celebrity Poker Showdown. As recently as 2012, Oksana was still making occasional figure skating performances. She is planning a tour for 2014, and working on an autobiography.

I still think of Oksana Baiul every time I hear the Gin Blossoms song “Found Out About You,” because at age 7 I started mentally replacing the title lyrics with “Oksana Baiul.” I’m not sure if I misheard it or was just a weird child.

Brian Boitano

Today, as in the early ’90s, Boitano maintains a higher profile than most of his peers. Boitano ‘Tano triple lutz-ed onto the scene in the ’88 Olympics, winning Gold with his namesake move (which you may have seen at the men’s singles portion of the team competition in Sochi). Remember how he wiped ice off of his skate blade after his triple axel? Basically the skating version of brushing your shoulders off.

Boitano then turned pro, winning an Emmy for his turn in Carmen on Ice, because it was the late 80s and that’s sort of just where we all were as a people. He then re-upped as an amateur and competed in the 94 games, to so-so results. He may be more famous for what happened after his Olympic career. He inspired the South Park tune ‘What Would Brian Boitano Do?,” starred in the Food Network show “What Would Brian Boitano Make,” and has made several TV and film cameos — including one of my personal favorite skating films, Blades of Glory. He now has a series on HGTV, “Where Would Brian Boitano Live” “The Brian Boitano Project.” He came out in 2013 and was part of the U.S.’s Gay Athlete Dream Team that was sent to stick it to Russia.

Katarina Witt

Once lauded by Time Magazine as “the most beautiful face of socialism” (you cannot make this stuff up), Witt rose from East Germany to become a mid-80s superstar. Decades before little Yulia Lipnitskaya performed a routine as the girl in the red coat from Schindler’s List, Witt… also performed a routine as the girl from the red coat from Schindler’s List. After taking gold in Calgary and Sarajevo, Witt started a professional career – only to return to competing for the 1994 games. She spent the 90s touring in skating shows, making cameo performances, publishing an autobiography and posing for Playboy. These days, Witt seems to be focusing on acting. After her skating farewell tour in 2008 (at age 43!), she appeared as a judge on  TV skating show, and most recently starred in a German TV movie. Her website lists numerous TV hosting gigs and stage performances, as well as the formation of the Katarina Witt Foundation, which helps children with disabilities.

Surya Bonaly

Bonaly brought a sense of athleticism to figure skating – as a former gymnast, her jumps were ridiculous. Competing for France, Surya failed to medal in the three Olympics in which she competed (1992, 1994, 1998) but many believe that she was totally robbed – particularly in the Nagano games, when she landed a backflip on a single blade and placed 10th. However, she did win silver in World’s for three consecutive years, so the judges weren’t always completely against her.

After the Nagano games, Surya turned pro and toured with Champions on Ice until 2007. A year after that, she proved she could still land that backflip in a gala performance. She has also appeared on TV, both in cameo performances and on the French version of The Farm.  Just last month, she skated in Holiday on Ice in France and modeled for DPM stores. Now a U.S. citizen, Bonaly lives in Las Vegas and campaigns for PETA.

Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan

So much of the Harding/ Kerrigan scandal was due to forces outside of the skaters’ control. Basically, Harding seemed like the blue-eyeshadowed, crispy-permed bad girl who would shoplift from Contempo Casuals after cutting class, whereas Kerrigan had the wholesome vibe of Sandra Bullock and the patrician features of Jackie O. Harding could have been classy as Audrey Hepburn, and Kerrigan may have been a Jerry Springer-watching potty mouth for all we know, but public opinion is a tricky thing.

We all know the story: Kerrigan gets kneecapped, Harding’s ex-husband was behind it, Harding claims she knew nothing about it, and a TV movie was born. But what happened next?

Harding had some tough times – being effectively ousted from the skating community and having forgone education in order to skate, she had trouble finding work. You probably remember her stint in celebrity boxing, or the Jeff Gillooly sex tape. Harding has appeared as a commentator for TruTV, and – after a few run-ins with the law – has married, had a baby, and hopefully cleaned up her act.

Kerrigan, first of all, is a bit of a secret sass factory, and I love it:

Okay, so like just about everyone else on the list, Kerrigan toured in skating shows after her Olympic run. She also has appeared as an ice skating commentator on Entertainment Tonight, and has had a few tv and film cameos. She was once again dragged into controversy in 2011, when her brother was charged with the manslaughter of her father (he was ultimately convicted of assault). She is married and has three children. Kerrigan now supports several charities, and will be commenting on the Sochi games for NBC/Universal.

Sarah Hughes

One of her greatest achievements may be growing out that Dorothy Hamil haircut – anyone who’s had short hair knows that’s no easy feat.

Not exactly a 90s star, it has nonetheless been 12(!) years since Hughes won gold in Salt Lake City, and I think we’re due for an update. Not long after the games, Hughes enrolled in Yale. After taking a year off to tour professionally, she graduated in 2009 with a degree in American studies. She is currently providing commentary on the Sochi Olympics, and works with the Figure Skating in Harlem program.

Kristi Yamaguchi

You probably know the drill by now: Olympics -> professional tours -> charity work. Well, that’s pretty much the case with Kristi, too. After winning gold in Albertville in 1992, Yamaguchi toured with Stars On Ice. In 2000, she married hockey player Bret Hedican and had two children, who I assumed learned how to skate before they could walk. Kristi always seemed like the classy smart girl of the early-90s  figure skating circuit, and I think maybe she really was. She started the Always Dream Foundation, focusing on childhood literacy, and wrote a successful children’s book, Dream Big, Little Pig. Yamaguchi also wrote a few figure skating books for adults — including (no lie) Figure Skating For Dummies.  Kristi’s reality TV career is soaring — the winner of Dancing With The Stars, she also hosted the reality show Skating’s Next Star, had her genealogy traced on a PBS show, and has had cameo performances on a number of TV programs. Yamaguchi even has a fitness DVD out for all of us figure skating-wannabes.

Tara Lipinski

In 1997, tiny Tara became the youngest person ever to win the U.S. Championships, and later, the World Championships. The next year, she took gold in Nagano. Moreover, she had those round brush-curled bangs that everyone in my sixth grade class wanted. After the Olympics she went professional, toured for a few years, and started experiencing hip problems. Fortunately, she was able to fall back on a career of guest appearances on every late 90s- early 2000s family-friendly show you can think of. Lipinski is now a spokesperson for The Boys And Girls Clubs of America and works with Make-A-Wish. She is a regular figure skating commentator – including now, for the Sochi games. And, Tara still puts on the skates from time to time, including a Big Lebowski-inspired routine on Jimmy Fallon.

For you fans of those ‘Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln, Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy’-style coincidences: Lipinski was a 15 year old figure skater in 1998 when she won gold in the Winter Olympics. Today, Yulia Lipnitskaya is a 15-year-old figure skater – born in 1998 – who may be poised to take a medal as well. Yulia is a Russian teenager, and Tara skated to music from Anastasia … a cartoon about a Russian teenager. Crazy stuff. Okay, not really.

Jeni Meno and Todd Sand

This husband-and-wife duo were the darlings of the pair skating circuit. They actually got engaged on the day of their performance at the 1994 Olympics! It was like a cheesy movie we all totally would have watched in the mid-90s, but real. Despite missing medals in their two Olympics competitions (’94 and ’98), the pair won bronze and silver at a few Worlds competitions, and regularly crushed the U.S. nationals. After turning pro and touring for several years, the couple settled down and began coaching. Jenni also appeared on the tv show Skating With Celebrites, which I imagine was like Dancing With The Stars, but with more falling. The Menno-Sandses have two adorable ginger sons, Jack and Matthew. From what I can tell they have bypassed the Sale-Pelletier curse, and are still married.

Nicole Bobek

Nicole Bobek, like Dunkaroos or those rings you could pull your t-shirts through to tie it off to the side, is one of those 90s phenomena that we all kind of remember, even if it’s been years since we thought about them. Nicole only competed in one Olympics (1998), placing 17th due to injury, but she made good showings at U.S. and Worlds Championships for several years there in the mid-90s.

Other than Tonya Harding — who many Tonyas probably blame for tarnishing the entire population of Tonyas – Bobek was probably the biggest ‘bad girl’ of the figure skating sport. She smoked, she slacked off, and she wore flashy costumes and hairdos. As a teen, Nicole received probation for her part in a home invasion (she stole money after breaking into a friend’s garage). It only got worse from there. In 2010, she was convicted for her part in a drug ring after being charged with conspiracy to distribute meth. No, I have no idea why a former teen figure skater plotline wasn’t written into Breaking Bad, either.

This marked a turning point (a salchow, let’s say) for Nicole. She went back to the ice, has performed in a number of benefits, and started teaching. As of last year, she was working on getting her GED, and fellow skaters were impressed with her dedication and positive attitude. Bobek also performs as an acrobat. This has to be my favorite comeback story of all of our former Olympians.

Rudy Galindo

You probably best remember Rudy as a two-time World Champion, or from his pairs career with Kristi Yamaguchi. Well, things have come full circle (let’s go with… half axel. Haven’t used that one yet), because now he coaches Kristi’s daughter. Awww! As you may have guessed, Galindo turned pro in 1996, and toured for several years. He also appeared on Yamaguchi’s reality show, Skating’s Next Star. The first openly gay figure skater in the U.S., Rudy announced that he was H.I.V. positive in 2000. He supports several AIDS charities — his brother died from the disease — and other than a few hip replacements, Galindo is in good health.

Irina Slutskaya

Slutskaya had a surprisingly long competitive career, skating in her first European championship in 1996, and completing her last Olympics event in 2006. She won gold, silver, and bronze medals on the international stage, with some interruptions for serious illness – including a kidney transplant in 2002. Since her last competition, Irina and her husband have had two children. She is a tv presenter – mostly for skating programs – in Russia. Slutskaya still performs on ice, and competed -and won bronze – in the Medal Winner’s Open in 2012.

Related articles

Amy March Was A Total Bitch

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by

Growing up in the 1990s, it was sort of normal for a girl to be into the 1800s. The American Girl catalog was in your mailbox, the Little House books were in your Scholastic orders, and everyone had a mom or grandma who was really into Dr. Quinn. The 1994 film adaptation of Little Women was right in the zeitgeist. When I saw that it was on tv around Christmas, nostalgia got the better of me. I had to watch. And, umm… something jumped out at me that didn’t when I was a kid. So, I decided to re-read the book on my bus rides to and from work, and it was confirmed.

Amy March was a huge freaking bitch.

I accepted early on that Amy was my March counterpart. While I loved writing and piano, I was neither a free-spirited tomboy like Jo nor a gentle, shy dead girl like Beth. And Meg — seriously, did anyone ever want to be Meg? Leave a comment if you did. No, I was an Amy. I’m also the youngest of four, and I – like many youngest children – am kind of hammy and want everyone to love me. Like the youngest March sister,  I’m even the only one of my siblings to miss out on getting a nickname. Alcott never mentioned it, but I just know that Amy felt like she got the shaft there.

So,while it does pain me to say this, let me repeat: Amy March was a total bitch. Let’s discuss:

Nobody Cares About Your Nose, Amy.

Amy hates her nose, which is described as a small, flat snub nose. Oh, so an adorable nose? A nose that is too cute? What a trial that must be – like those girls who complain about being “too pretty.”

Amy wants a “Roman Nose,” which according to Wikipedia, is “a human nose with a prominent bridge, giving it the appearance of being curved or slightly bent.” Wow, March. Have you ever got shit taste in noses. That’s probably what my nose looks like, and you know how I got it? Not by sleeping with a clothespin on it – no, I  broke it. Twice.

Oh, You’re Too Good for Hand-Me-Downs? Can it, Amy.amy-little-women-helen-page

The hardest thing in Beth’s life was dying of scarlet fever and the hardest thing in Jo’s life was having a dumb-bitch little sister who stole her manuscript, Eurotrip, and Laurie, but Amy — the hardest thing in her life was having a tiny, cute nose and having to wear hand-me-downs.

Alcott writes: “Amy was in a fair way to be spoiled, for everyone petted her, and her small vanities and selfishness were growing nicely. One thing, however, rather quenched the vanities. She had to wear her cousin’s clothes. Now Florence’s mama hadn’t a particle of taste, and Amy suffered deeply at having to wear a red instead of a blue bonnet, unbecoming gowns, and fussy aprons that did not fit. Everything was good, well made, and little worn, but Amy’s artistic eyes were much afflicted, especially this winter, when her school dress was a dull purple with yellow dots and no trimming.”

Look, I had a cousin who was an only child, and her mom shopped at the good stores. The day I’d get the big black trash bag of her hand-me-downs was like a freaking holiday. Oh, Florence’s mama sent you a red bonnet? Well my cousin’s mama sent me skorts and shortalls, and I was happy to have them.

Amy. Limes Are Stupid.

Poor thing. Always thwarted in her search for citrus fruits.

Pickled limes were the fashion at Amy’s school, because apparently she was educated with a bunch of other little dummies. So, Meg gave Amy the rag money to buy some limes, and I’m not even completely clear on what “rag money” is, but I’m pretty sure that if your family is poor enough to rely on something called rag money to supplement your income, safe to say you’re pretty hard up and shouldn’t be wasting your money on preserved citrus fruits.

Limes were outlawed in Amy’s classroom, but obviously all of the kids still brought them in, kind of like tamagochis in my school, circa 1998. [Sidenote: the spell-check suggestion for tamagochis is “masochists,” which is pretty apropos. What were we doing to ourselves? At least when limes are the 6th-grade trend, you don’t have to sneak off to feed it every 3 hours.] But, Amy wouldn’t give this girl Jenny a lime because Jenny was being a total bitch, so Dumb Bitch Jenny told the teacher that Amy had limes. He made Amy throw the limes into the snow and Amy had a fit even though a citrus fruit will do just fine in the snow. As a matter of fact, Amy couldn’t have known this, but in like 70 years they’ll invent this magical box that keeps food cold all of the time and – will wonders never cease – the food lasts longer. Also Amy’s limes are PICKLED, which admittedly is gross, but it means they can stay outside for a minute. [However, the limes do get stolen. We’ll go there later.]

Oh, and then the teacher hit Amy’s hand, which was majorly not cool. Our biggest bitches in this story are really the teacher and Dumb Bitch Jenny. Still, Amy’s a bit at fault for squandering the family’s rag money on some stupid limes.

Amy March Hates Irish People. This Irish Person Says Amy March Can Suck It.

The Republic of Ireland has retaliated by naming its least-appealing souvenir porcelain doll after Amy March.

When Amy’s limes got thrown into the snow, she wasn’t upset because she lost her limes – she was upset because the limes were “exulted over by the little Irish children, who were their sworn foes.” Yep, Amy March’s sworn foes were anonymous Irish street urchins. You bet your sweet bippy that one didn’t make the Winona Ryder movie. It wasn’t losing the limes that made Amy cry like – forgive me – a little bitch, it was the Irish kids getting the limes.

Amy. You live in Boston. Concord, whatever. You know those little Irish street children? They’re going to run your city. In 100 years, the descendants of one of those lime-eating Boston Street Micks is going to be our nation’s president. Your city’s basketball team is literally going to be called the Celtics. Don’t worry about what basketball is. If your grandchildren ever get arrested, you know who’s going to do it? An Irish cop. But you don’t even have to wait 100 years. Even in the 1860s, every one of those Irish kids has a pack of 14 siblings to back them up in a fight. And those kids are scary. They have been working in silk mills since they were 5. You know how my great-great-great grandmother survived the Potato Famine? By eating GRASS. Honestly, poor Irish children from Boston in the 1860s are probably the worst “sworn foes” you could make.

So, on behalf of Irish and part-Irish Americans, let me just tell Amy March that she can suck it. Know what she can’t suck, though? A lime – because the Irish kids got them. Booyah, March.

Ruining the ONE THING Your Sister Loves? Pretty Bitchy.

Remember when Amy was a little piss who burned her sister’s manuscript because Jo dared to have fun without her? God. What is your beef with Jo, Amy? Tell me. Because it’s sort of a recurring theme throughout the book.

On the plus side, I’d like to thank Amy March for the world’s first lesson that you should always, always back up your work.

You’re Using It Wrong, Ames.

I just cannot with this basic girl and her five-cent vocabulary. Honestly, though, Amy is 12 when the book starts, and that’s an 1860s 12. In 1860s Massachusetts, you could be a six-year veteran of the mills at 12. You could be betrothed at 12. But no, Marmee sent Amy to the ol’ schoolhouse instead, probably because of the child’s demonstrated inability to speak the English language. Look, Amy wasn’t spending her time watching tv or instagramming. The only thing to do was read books and learn how to use words properly, yet she was somehow incapable of doing it. For instance: “label” for “libel” (when she actually meant slander) and “vocabilary” for “vocabulary.” You just know this bitch says “liberry” and “pisgetti.”

I’m not saying I’m glad her teacher beat her at school, because I’m not, I’m just saying that if any of the March sisters deserved a formal education, it wasn’t Amy. All I know is, if Amy March lived today, she’d be that little cousin of yours whose tweets and Facebook posts are so incomprehensible that you basically have to do an English-to-English translation every time you read them.

She’s not even that good at art so maybe she should just shut up about it.

Amy March isn’t a real person, but she was somewhat based on Louisa May Alcott’s sister Abigail May. May probably had a lot of gifts and talents, but art wasn’t one of them. Here are some of her drawings:

Compare the scale of Marmee(?) in the chair with the girl to the right. It’s like a Cabbage Patch doll next to a Barbie.

My favorite part is the floating table.

May died young, and that’s sad, but you know what else is sad? These sketches.

I Ain’t Sayin’ She’s A Gold Digger (Yes, I am. Yes, she is.)

So, first Amy gold-digs her way into Fred Vaughn’s heart. Then, she sees the opportunity to get with Laurie, who in addition to being wealthy, also provides her with the opportunity to ruin Jo’s life. So, she does that instead. Either way, she’s a gold-digger.

Steals Jo’s Trip

Eyes on the prize, Li’l Amy. Eyes on the prize.

Jo put up with Aunt March’s Crappy Plumfield Storytime every day, with the understanding that at some point she’d get a Eurotrip out of the deal. Look, for a 20-year-old girl in the 1800s, it wasn’t as easy as just finding a college with a good study abroad program.

Then, Amy – freaking Amy – swoops in, befriends Aunt March, and gets the trip. As an indirect result, Jo had to move to a boarding house and marry an old German man.

Steals Jo’s Man

Jo and Laurie were endgame. I refuse to hear differently. Sure, Jo shot down Laurie’s proposal, but I think it was just the wrong time — she was coming back for him later, and that’s all there is to it.

So, when Laurie proposed to Amy — because she was the next-closest thing to Jo — Amy should have had the decency to know that Laurie was Jo’s one true love.

Instead, Amy was a total bitch, so she married him.

Conclusion

After all that, here’s the truth: now that I’m an adult, Amy is my favorite. Beth does nothing, gets scarlet fever, then dies. [Also, please don’t stone me, but did anyone else think Beth wasn’t exactly playing with a full deck?] Meg does nothing, twists her ankle, then gets married. Jo ruins her chance at true love, and acts so obtuse about how to behave in human society that I think she’s just doing it to get on her sisters’ nerves. She’s like that one girl in college who tried to be unconventional just for the sake of it, and you were always like “you know what? You’re not Amelie. Stop trying to be Amelie.”

Whether or not you think Amy is a huge freaking bitch (and don’t get me wrong, she is), that girl knew how to go after what she wanted. Somehow, she was ridiculously well-liked, but at the same time, you sure as hell didn’t walk all over Amy March. But, if I ever ended up with an Amy March of my own, I would need to make like Marmee and send her to live with a great-aunt for her teenage years – because honestly, what a little bitch.

Related articles

Live Blog: Flowers In The Attic

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by

0:00 I can already tell that if you’re the kind of person who hates creepiness, you should get out now. First of all, the film opens with a pan throughout a Miss Havisham-y house. Second, Sally Draper (Kiernan Shipka) narrates that she and her siblings were “four beautiful children,” which is just weird. She compares them to Dresden dolls, by which I hope she means this:

0:02 The combined effect of the  1960s/1970s suburban home, with the Dad wearing a suit and hat and carrying a briefcase, and the icy-looking mom (Heather Graham) is really not helping me think of this as anything but a movie about bad stuff happening to Sally Draper.

Mid-Century Mayhem!

0:04 Fake Don Draper announces his promotion and serves some serious Jaden Smith face.

0:07 Fake Don Draper is dead. Well, we got that out of the way fast.

No matter what else happens in this movie, the most unrealistic thing will be the 5-ish-year-old girl voluntarily playing with one of those wooden toys where you move the balls across wires. You know, that lame toy that is required by statute to appear in every pediatric waiting room in the United States?

All you have to do is google “doctor’s office toy”

0:10 The Fake Drapers’ house and its contents are about to get straight repo’ed, and they have to go to Heather Graham’s family’s haunted-ass house under the cover of darkness.

0:12 I only sort of vaguely know what goes down with Cathy and Christopher later, but is it supposed to be foreshadowing that they’re talking all flirty and gross on the train? Note: to me, tweenaged siblings being nice to each other is by default “flirty and gross.” Shouldn’t they be picking on each other?

0:13 Creepy movie pro tip: if you go to a house that has a name (Foxworth Hall), shit’s about to get real. And if an adult refers to his or her parent as “mother” shit’s about to get even realer.hellomother

0:16 Bad Grandma says that Cathy and Christopher can’t share a bed, and Heather Graham responds “they’re children, they’re innocent.” Okay, everyone in this family is an idiot. First of all, in any normal family the mom would be arguing that the kids couldn’t share a bed, not because of any gross stuff with “innocence” but because they “need their space.” Bad Grandma says that the two girls will share a bed, and the two boys will share a bed, which is probably the solution most families would have come up with in the first place — primarily because the twins are smaller so putting one of them in each bed gives everyone more space. Ugh. Dummies.

Also, they have to hide behind curtains or something so their grandfather can’t hear them. Ughhh.

0:17 Graham is trying to win her way back into her dad’s will by hiding her children in her house then reconnecting with him.

Sally Draper is wearing a promise ring, which is probably your first big sign that things are sketchy in this family. I can’t be the only person who has read about them with horror and disgust?

0:23 THERE’S GONNA BE A LIZZIE BORDEN MOVIE! With Christina Ricci, the queen of ethereal yet creepy characters! Looks like I better get my live-bloggin’ pants ready.

[Live blogging pants are like regular pants, but with more elastic. I like to snack.]

0:24 Evil Marilla Cuthbert drops the kids’ food off for the whole day. So, this is like a horrible version of that time Samantha Parkington hid Nellie and her sisters in her attic, right?

Well, she couldn’t leave those bitches at Coldrock House, could she?

0:25 I think Evil Marilla Cuthbert is the only sane person in this family. She tells the kids they are supposed to “be modest while using the bathroom,” and if they don’t have that down by their teenaged years then frankly maybe they should be separated from society.

0:27 We learn the twins’ names: Carrie and Cory. How many bombs do they need to drop telling us this family is creepy? Between the shared first initials and promise rings and scary focus on modesty, I feel like I’m watching 19 Kids and Counting.

0:31 Ellen Burstyn (Michelle Duggar in 30 years??) makes Heather Graham show the children the lashes on her back – including “18 lashes for every year she used her wicked charms on [her] husband.” As in, Heather Graham’s dad. As in, I hate this movie.

0:35 It’s a commercial break, so let me tell you my main association with V.C. Andrews. In junior high, one of my friends found a bunch of V.C. Andrews books in perfect condition at a library sale. She bought them for 25 cents each, read them, then went to Barnes and Noble saying that her grandma got them as a gift for her and she didn’t have a receipt. She returned them for some serious seventh grade bank. This movie is making me realize that her Pretend Grandma, buying her grandkid stacks of V.C. Andrews books, would have to have been a real creep.

0:39 Heather Graham and Fake Don Draper were raised as siblings, and Fake Don Draper was her half-uncle. Ew. They didn’t meet til later in life. I’d think this was crazy, but we did go to high school with a girl who had a child with her surrogate brother (who I think her parents adopted????) shortly after graduation.

0:42 Evil Marilla Cuthbert asks Sally Draper if she poses for her brother’s paintings with her blouse off. Ew. She said “blouse.”

0:45 They’ve been in the House of Horrors for a month, but Heather Graham has been out gallivanting with her father.

0:51 Corey locked himself in a trunk, and Sally Draper gives him a bath because that’s the best way to bring a child back from near-death by suffocation.

0:53 It’s Christmas, and the children Stockholm Syndrome up a present for Grandmother. She closes the door and walks away, overcome with either emotion or shame at how bad the kids’ art project is.

0:54 The kids get a dollhouse for Christmas, because this movie needed to get that much creepier.

Surprise! It’s a toy full of ghosts.

0:55 The teens have to hide in a bar to watch the family’s party.

Let’s just recap a little. The Dollangangers’ father died. The Dollangangers learn that they’re really Foxworths. They have to move to Foxworth Hall Manor Estate, or something that sounds like either a low-rent townhouse development or midrange wine label. The kids have to hide from their grandfather, while their mother puts the moves on him to try to get written into the will. The grandmother, a horrifying blend of Marilla Cuthbert and Michelle Duggar, hits Heather Graham with switches and insinuates that the kids are all gettin’ it on with each other. And now they’re at a Christmas party with Greensleeves playing on a lone violin, because if anything says “hopping holiday bash,” it’s Medieval songs on string instruments.

Everything after Fake Don Draper dying could have been prevented if Heather Graham (Corinne Foxworth, I guess?) would just get a damn job already.

1:01 Heather Graham has turned into her mother, threatening to whip the kids and telling Sally that she can’t leave the room.

1:02 THERE’S A GABY DOUGLASS MOVIE TOO??? Oh, shoot, better get my live-bloggin’ hat ready too.

[My live bloggin’ hat is nothing, because I look stupid in hats, like an Irish orphan from yesteryear.]

1:09 Heather Graham and Kiernan Shipka having “the talk” makes me so relieved that my parents entirely avoided this sort of thing. I’m in my late 20s so I think I’m in the clear now. But, Graham cuts the talk short, which I think means that Kiernan isn’t going to know what sex is and thus obviously she’s going to go have it with her brother.sally

1:10 Bad Grandma walks in while Kiernan is changing and Christopher’s there, which looks bad but isn’t.

Grandma: You think you look so pretty n your new young curves and your long golden hair. [That’s also me, to every annoying teenager in the mall, ever.]

1:11 Bad Grandma’s going to cut Sally Draper’s hair. MAKEOVER!!!

1:12 Nope. Chris and Cath decide that they and their sibs will go without food for a WEEK rather than cut her hair. You’ve got to be kidding. There’s nobody to even look at her hair, except her brother, and if that bothers Cath then she’s not really helping her case, huh?

1:18 Cath’s grandma tars Cathy’s hair in her sleep. Okay, now: MAKEOVER!!!!

It’ll be liberating — just ask Emma Watson or Lena Dunham!

LOL Kiernan’s wig though. She looks like Tina Majorino in Waterworld:

1:20 The twins, looking especially Children of the Corn-y, totally cock block Christopher and Cathy. Praise be.

1:24 Heather Graham got married to her dad’s attorney and went to Venice for two months while her children were locked in an attic … and all they got was this lousy toy gondola!

1:29 Chris gets whipped by Bad Grandma, which isn’t a metaphor or anything, and then Cathy and Chris kiss, because if anything is a turn-on it is your own sibling, who has just been schooled by a frail old woman.

1:34 Cathy and Chris are getting mighty close, and Kiernan’s hair has grown out into a sassy, choppy bob.

1:41 Sally and her brother have planned to leave, stolen money from their mom’s Sterling Cooper Draper Price-y looking husband, made out, then woken up in bed together. I hate it all.

1:42 Corey doesn’t feel well. The makeup people at Lifetime show this by dying his lips blue, like he just ate a raspberry ice pop.

1:43 Sally and Heather stage-punch each other, and I haven’t seen acting combat look so fake since I was 10 years old in the Flower City Youth Players.

Wha-POW!

1:44 Cory is dead. Long live Cory!

Carrie’s super bummed, because now who will she hook up with in high school?

1:52 Oh snap. Grandpa’s been dead for seven months.

Also, the donuts were poison, which is why Cory (and the kids’ mouse) died.

1:56 The kids lock Marilla upstairs and escape. Suck it, Attic Grandma!

Who’s the flower in the attic now, bitch?

In Defense Of Light Blogging

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

When you write stuff on the internet, the age-old online axiom “never read the comments” doesn’t apply to you. If you don’t read the comments on your own blog, there’s nobody to approve them, you know?

Here at Cookies + Sangria, we’ve been blessed (or #blessed, I think is how you do it on the internet) with some really fantastic commenters. We can count on one hand the number of truly troll-y comments we’ve had, and those all get deleted. They’re not worth the bandwidth.

Then, there are the gray areas. The comments that you don’t quite know what to do with, so they languish unapproved until you eventually delete them. They’re not abusive, or unkind, but they’re also not the sort of thing you want to start a Comments War by addressing.

Like the Cold War, comments wars involve little actual physical conflict, result from ideological differences, and could best be resolved by a rousing Arm Wrestling match.

About three of those have been sitting in our Pending Comments folder for a month. In one of our entertainment posts, they are all comments saying “why are you talking about celebrities and movies?  There’s so much wrong in the world, and we should be paying attention to that.”

So, here’s my answer: Exactly. There is so much wrong in the world. I don’t think you’ll find a single person who doesn’t find the world very, very heavy at times. Some of it is lead-weight heavy: famine, genocide, and so on. Even the people with the best lives deal with that sort of wet wool sweater kind of heaviness: bills to pay, sickness, all of that. If the only things that any of us were allowed to read and write about were the most grave and pressing matters of the day, the world would be even weightier than it already is.

Aran Jumpers, because if anything represents struggles and negativity in the universe of knit woolens, it’s got to be the Irish sweater.

 The decision to blog about fun, light stuff is a deliberate one. With so much heaviness, our goal is to write the kind of things that we’d enjoy reading ourselves. I hope that you can come here during your coffee break, or when your favorite show goes to commercial, and find something to make you smile. Honestly, I don’t think it’s a waste of our time to write it, or yours to read it.

If I’m being honest with myself, you’re probably reading our blog while you’re at work, drafting an email, with a show up on hulu, while texting a friend. That’s why we need to invent adult exer-saucers, where they plunk you in the middle of it and there’s a different device everywhere you turn.

If you want to learn about the big issues in the world, the internet is a big place, and there are plenty of qualified people writing about them. Just because you aren’t reading about them here, I don’t assume you aren’t reading about them anywhere. In return, I hope you all realize that just because I’m not writing about the serious stuff here, doesn’t mean I don’t care.

Every Saturday, I teach English to refugees. These are people who have lost absolutely everything, from their homes to their nationalities to their loved ones. And do you know what we do at class every week? We laugh – a lot. Part of this is because laughter is one of the universal languages. [The other ones are math and music, but doing math would make me dread the class, and my singing would make the class dread me. Also, Esperanto, but that didn’t really take off, now did it?] If me looking stupid is going to help the English language stick in their heads, I’m glad to do it. However, even if they aren’t learning anything, I don’t think that the two hours we spend laughing every weekend are hours wasted. These are people who know, first-hand, that the world is heavy enough. You shouldn’t ignore that, and I don’t think that any of our readers do. Still, wherever it is you can find some lightness – a funny article, a tv show you look forward to every week, a cat meme – you have to take it. And if you can’t find enough of it, then maybe you should write it yourself. No matter what those gray-area commenters say, there are people out there who need to read it.

Related articles

23 Skidoo! Downton-Era Slang For Every Vocabulary

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by

Downton Abbey came back for its fourth season last night (for our more law-abiding North American readers anyway), and that talkie is the cat’s. I’m not just beating my gums here — the ’20s were the start of our modern pop-culture age, and the slang was the bee’s knees.

Incorporate some of these phrases and you’ll sound like your favorite sheik or sheba in no time!

23 skidoo! – leave quickly

  • Example: The coppers are busting the gin mill. 23 skidoo!

And how! – I agree with you SO HARD.

  • Example:

Herman: Those flappers sure are showing a lot of ankle!

Hattie (showing a lot of ankle): And how!

Bank’s Closed: stop making out

  • Example: It’s a speakeasy, not a hootenanny. Bank’s closed, Sam and Ida!

Beat one’s gums – to talk a lot of nonsense

  • Example: Lula says the stock market’s going to tank, but I think she’s just beating her gums.

Beef – a complaint. Actually, just like how we use it now. Thanks, ’20s!

  • Example:

Myrtle: What’s your beef?

Maude: You borrowed my stockings and got rouge all over the knees!

bee’s knees – really, really awesome

  • Example: Boy, Josephine, these movies that you have to read sure are the bee’s knees!

bimbo – a macho, overly manly man

  • Example: Reginald’s always lifting barbells on the boardwalk. What a bimbo!

blind date – a date with a stranger. Actually, just like how we use it now. No thanks, ’20s!

  • Example: George missed his blind date with Thelma because he was stuck on top of a flagpole.

blotto – drunk

  • Example: Mabel is completely blotto off that moonshine!

bubs – boobs, but way more fun to say

  • Example: Now Mabel’s showing her bubs! Geraldine, get her home!

cancelled stamp – a shy, wallflower-y girl who’s not very fun.

  • Example: Say what you will about Mabel, at least she’s not a cancelled stamp like old Gertie!

cat’s pajamas – particularly great. Often abbreviated to just “the cat’s.”

  • Example: Ida and Roger think dance marathons are the cat’s pajamas!

dead soldier – empty beer bottle

  • Example: Clean the dead soldiers off the field, boys! A football game’s starting and they could scratch our leather helmets!

drugstore cowboy – a guy who hangs out in public trying to look good and pick up ladies. See: the text of No Scrubs.

  • Example: Bernice bobs her hair, and next thing you know she’s taken off with some drugstore cowboy!

Dumb Dora – an unintelligent lady

  • Example: Maxine’s such a Dumb Dora – you can get better conversation out of a silent film!

gasper – cigarette

  • Example: Harold says that gaspers can make you sick, but I think he’s just beating his gums.

giggle water – booze

  • Example: Slow your roll, Mabel. Enough of that giggle water.

half-seas over – drunk

  • Example: Mabel is completely half-seas over off that moonshine!

handcuff – engagement ring

  • Example: George has the handcuff on ol’ Thelma and he’s never at the speakeasy anymore.

icy mitt – to coldly blow off a person who’s trying to get with you

  • Example: Now that Ruth’s a coed, she’s giving all of the townies the icy mitt.

Let George do it – something that you’d say to get out of work.

  • Example: I don’t want to work on my financial planning for 1929. Ah, let George do it!

Moll – a gangster’s lady-friend

  • Example:

Moll: No, Irene, this is just the name my parents gave me. I’m not affiliated with the mafia. But I hope my great-granddaughter will be named after me, because what are the chances that the name Molly would be associated with a seedy subculture again in 100 years?

ossified – drunk.

  • Example: Mabel is completely ossified off that moonshine!

quilt – an alcoholic beverage that keeps you warm

  • Example:

Mabel: I sure am cold after that sledding party! Somebody get me a quilt.

Ethel: Oh, you’ve had quite enough, Mabel.

Mabel: I meant a literal quilt, though.

petting pantry – a movie theater. Still relevant for anyone who’s gone to the movies only to realize that it was apparently the couple’s show.

  • Example: Let’s go to the petting pantry! There’s a new Louise Brooks flick. And I want to make out.

So’s your old man – a response to somebody who said something that irritated you. Sort of a “your mama” for the 1920s crowd.

  • Example:

Phyllis: I saw your beau Jimbo at the petting party with Olive. He’s courting a hussy!

Gladys: So’s your old man!

sheba – girlfriend (or a good-looking lady). For millenials, that usually translates to “this girl I’m kind of hanging out with, I don’t know.”

  • Example: Arthur’s sheba is Lucille.

sheik – boyfriend (or a good-looking man). Millenials: “that guy I’ve been seeing or whatever, not really sure what we are.”

  • Example: Lucille’s sheik is Roy. Don’t tell Arthur.

spifflicated –  drunk

  • Example: Mabel is completely splifficated off that moonshine!

struggle buggy – a car’s backseat

  • Example: Wow, it sure is easier to neck in a struggle buggy than it was in a regular buggy! I always felt like the horses were watching.

Tell it to Sweeney! – I don’t believe you. Tell it to someone who does.

  • Example: Sick from gaspers, Harold?! Tell it to Sweeney!

zozzled –  drunk

  • Example: Mabel is completely zozzled off that moonshine! I think she might have a problem.

Old trends don’t die as soon as a new one starts. Case in point: 40-something women who still dress like they did in the class of ’87. So, some of the early ’20s Downtoners were still using their World War I and Edwardian-era slang. It’s not too late to start using these words, too:

balmy on the crumpet –  crazy

  • Example: Henrietta is wearing bloomers! She’s gone balmy on the crumpet.sybil

blue devils – feeling down in the dumps

  • Example: Aminta has the blue devils because her best corset just broke.

beaver – a man’s beard

  • Example:

Jonesy: Why the long face, Jamesy?

Jamesy (whose face is hairless):  I can’t give Clorinda what she wants. I’m a baby-faced boy, but she likes the beaver.

Jonesy: Perhaps she can find a beard elsewhere.

boner – a mistake

  • Example:

Ronald: I made a real boner while I was courting Flossie in her parents’ parlor. I think I really ruined my chances.

Donald: A boner while courting in her parents’ parlor? What was it?

Ronald: A boner while courting in her parents’ parlor.

cheese it! – stop it!

  • Example: Cheese it, Edmund! You have to take your cod-liver oil!

clergyman’s daughter – a whore

  • Example: Bridget’s a clergyman’s daughter, and mark my words, in ten years her little Mabel will be just as bad.

cootie – crabs

  • Example: Bridget has cooties.

curtains – the end

  • Example: So… I guess that means it’s curtains for you and Bridget, then?

fittums – a great fit

  • Example: Constance, your new hobble skirt is just fittums!

jumping jesus – a fanatic

  • Example: I mean, I’m as excited about the coronation as anyone, but Nigel is a bit of a jumping jesus about the whole thing.

off his chump – crazy

  • Example: Now Henrietta wants to vote, as well? She’s off her chump.

pad the hoof – walking

  • Example: Ready to pad the hoof to the magic lantern show? It’s really the best entertainment option at this point in history.

pipe off – lose interest (in a romantic relationship)

  • Example:

Edwardine: Why did you pipe off Simon?

Thomasine: He spent more time with his hair tonic than I did on my pompadour!

Razzle-dazzle – to go out there, stir up some trouble, and get some ladies!

  • Example:

Bert: Shall we go razzle-dazzle, Simon?

Simon: I’m actually less interested in razzle-dazzling than you might think.

Teagie – tea gown

  • Example: You know, calling it a teagie makes it seem like it would be pretty casual, but it takes like three handmaids to change into this thing.

What priced head have you? – How bad’s the hangover?

  • Example: You really hit the music-hall hard, Basil. What priced head have you?

yeah – yes

  • Example: 

Charles: In 100 years’ time, will old people still get mad when you say “yeah” instead of “yes?”

Charlotte: Yeah.

12 Days Of 90s Christmas Episodes

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by

Christmas Eve is only a week away, and if you haven’t gotten yourself into the spirit yet, it’s time to start — unless you don’t celebrate Christmas, in which case, carry on as you were. In the spirit of the season, we present you with a dozen days’ worth of 90s Christmas episodes, because if there’s a perfect cross-section of things we love, it’s 90s, tv, and holidays.

Enjoy a restrained viewing experience of an episode per day from now til the end of Christmas week, or spend a solid 6-12 hour block binging on holiday cheer. Extra-awesome: the episodes are ordered chronologically, so you can follow all of the wacky hair trends, silly fashions, and political references (this is probably the only Christmas post you’ll read this year that mentions the Clinton impeachment).

DAY ONE

Family Matters – Have Yourself A Merry Winslow Christmas (1990)

Family Matters never shied away from showing you the weird love-hate, codependent, mocking relationship the grown-assed-adult Winslows had with the sad, outcast teenaged boy next door. In this episode, Steve ruins the Winslows’ Chrismas (of course!) but is invited over after Laura finds him alone in his basement, abandoned by his real family. Shouldn’t somebody call child protective?

Babysitters Club – Baby Sitters Special Christmas (1990)

Don’t they mean SUPER-Special Christmas? Come on, Ann M. Martin! Believe it or not, this is streaming on Netflix

DAY TWO

Saved By The Bell – Home For Christmas (1991)

Everybody gets mall jobs and then they make friends with a homeless girl who we never see again. What’s not to love? (Teen homelessness).

The Cosby Show – Clair’s Place (1991)

Cliff builds a special room for Clair, the family decorates the tree, and there are cookies. Christmas is honestly just a backdrop for an entire episode built on the theme “MAMA JUST NEEDS SOME ‘ME TIME'”.

DAY THREE

Rugrats – The Santa Experience (1992)

Hard to believe that mere infants at the time this episode aired are now of legal drinking age. As are Tommy and the gang, come to think of it. There’s just too much good stuff in this episode – a coveted Deluxe Cynthia toy, the adults getting thwarted when they try to dress as Santa, a Gift of the Magi situation between Phil and Lil, and a cozy getaway cabin.

DAY FOUR

Roseanne – White Trash Christmas (1993)

In the most Roseanne-y Christmas move ever, the family rebels against neighborhood decoration rules by decorating their house real trashy-like. Also, Fake Becky works at Fake Hooters.

The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air: ‘Twas The Night Before Christening (1993)

Sure, it isn’t the best Christmas episode ever, but it is the only one featuring Boyz II Men. Good news: they perform at Nicky’s christening. Bad news: That one guy doesn’t start the song by talking all low and deep, something like “Boy… today we dedicate you to God. But first, I dedicate my love… all of my love… and this song” and then they all start doing a dance with folding chairs. That’s how I’d have played it.

DAY FIVE

My So-Called Life – So-Called Angels (1994)

Some of the best Christmas episodes don’t as much warm your heart, so much as cut it open like a merry Yuletide knife. I mean, Angel Juliana Hatfield? Little Ricky with his little candles? Brian on the helpline? MSCL always tugs at my heartstrings (remember Rayanne with Sesame Street and the song about the car?), and this episode just proves why Claire Danes has been making us all ugly cry for 2 decades.

DAY SIX

Full House – Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen (1994)

This episode is from Full House’s golden age, and boy does it show. It has a Michelle-centric plot, a person stranded away from family before Christmas (Jesse gets arrested), a guest star who’s probably too good for this (Mickey Rooney), and my all-time favorite Christmas episode trope — the characters helping a crotchety old man reconnect with his family at Christmas.

DAY SEVEN

Living Single – Let It Snow, Let It Snow Let it Snow… Dammit (1995)

The crew celebrates Christmas in a Canadian cabin, there’s a Mountie, Synclaire dyes his Santa suit pink, and we all learn the Real Meaning Of Christmas (TM).

Home Improvement – Twas The Flight Before Christmas (1995)

You know, tv had me believe that I’d be stuck in an airport during major holidays way more than I actually have. Bonus: this episode aired at the height of JTT mania, so you can watch this and try to remember what we were all thinking. This episode has such a truly witty and spectacular title that it was re-used by an episode of the Disney show Dog With A Blog (which sounds like an insult someone would use if they hate me and also think I’m ugly).

DAY EIGHT

The Adventures Of Pete And Pete – O’ Christmas Pete (1996)

If anyone dares question why us millenials have been flocking to quirky independent comedies since our teen years, I’d point them to The Adventures Of Pete And Pete. Unlike the shiny neon Nickelodeon shows of today, Pete and Pete was decidedly offbeat. This Christmas episode shows what happens when a kid follows the universal desire to keep Christmas going as long as possible. Even as an adult, I still hate that 12/26 slump.

DAY NINE

Seinfeld – The Strike (1997)

My family celebrates Festivus off-and-on. I hold my own in the Airing of Grievances, but the Feats Of Strength didn’t go so well as an 11-year-old girl with two giant older brothers.

DAY TEN

 Ally McBeal – Making Spirits Bright (1998)

Vonda Shepherd sings, there’s a Christmas party at the office, Billy defends a man who claimed to see a unicorn, and we find out that Young Ally also saw a unicorn, because she clearly has a lifetime history of hallucinations that she probably should have looked into at some point.

DAY ELEVEN

Saturday Night Live – Alec Baldwin (1998)

Fond, awkward family memories: my whole family – grandparents, siblings, aunts, etc – were all watching this episode when the Schweddy Balls sketch aired. We all tried to stifle our laughter – to no avail – while keeping my Grammy in our peripheral vision. She was super-proper and prayed the rosary every day. An all-around good episode, it also aired at the height of the Clinton impeachment scandal, and included a sketch where Molly Shannon plays a clown with weird feelings about a little girl who looks like a grown man, a Bill Brasky segment, and a Harlem Globetrotters Christmas cartoon.

DAY TWELVE

Friends – The One With The Routine (1999)

You know, you should really watch all of the Friends Christmas eps, but I like ending our series with this one because it’s also a New Year ep. Favorite parts: the “AZ” and the routine, which I compulsively rewound with my friend Jenny to learn all of the steps when we were supposed to be watching her baby sister.