Best of C+S 2015: A Clueless Drinking/ Workout Game: Suck And Blow And Buns Of Steel

It’s hard to believe, but 2015 was the 20-year anniversary of the release of Clueless. In those twenty years we’ve gone from being small children, to early 20-somethings who could play drinking games all the livelong day, to two adults on the bring of 30 who don’t have the energy for that anymore. But we still created a Clueless-based drinking and workout game to celebrate the occasion during our Clueless Week!

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Clueless is the movie that taught us about drinking games – suck and blow, anyone? We may have been too young to really get what was going on when Clueless came out 20 years ago. But now anyone who can remember when Clueless was a new hit movie is, by default, over 21. That means we can play the drinking games now! As always, drink responsibly and legally, and feel free to substitute in a non-alcoholic beverage.

If your buns don’t feel nothin’ like steel, or you have some freeways to accidentally merge onto after this, do our workout version instead!

One Sip OR One Set of Mountain Climbers (* A set is what you say is a set!)

  • The phrase “way harsh” is uttered.

  • A main character rocks anything plaid.
  • Dionne and Murray fight.
  • Cher flips her hair.
  • Any time Paul Rudd is hot. This is subjective but you may find yourself drinking a lot.

  • Josh gazes lovingly at Cher.
  • Cher mispronounces something.

  • A character plays sensitive ’90s music – two sips if they sing along (turn away, turn awayayayay…).
  • You spot a “only in the mid-90s” pop culture reference that escaped you before (Kato Kaelin, Travis’s last name is Birkenstock, etc).

One Huge Gulp OR One Set Of Bicep Curls

  • Elton outwardly flirts or gets too handsy with Cher.
  • The kids talk like grownups.
  • When you see Lucy the Maid physically afraid of Mr. Horowitz
  • Dionne and Murray make up.
  • Cher actually says/uses a big word correctly.
  • Josh is eating something (extra sip if it’s weird).
  • You spot product placement with packaging you haven’t seen for over a decade (Coke cans, Minute Maid juice boxes, etc).
  • Any references to Miss Stoeger’s sexual orientation – subtle or explicit.

Take a Shot OR One Set Of Bicycle Crunches

  • You or someone watching with you says “As If” in sync with Cher.
  • An “adult” character looks young to you.
  • A “teenaged” extra is clearly 30 yrs old… meaning that now, they are 50.
  • A person collapses a cell phone antenna. Remember having to do that? [The cell phone use is one of the reasons Clueless almost seems like it could have been released today, but I remember at the time it was revolutionary that all these rich kids had their own cells.]
  • Josh references not-for-profits, either in words or via t-shirt.
  • A teen driver’s eyes aren’t on the road.
  • There is a plastic surgery reference.
  • You spot a scrunchie in the wild.

Pour A Little Out For Your Homie OR Sun Salute

  • You remember that Brittany Murphy died and get sad about it all over again.

Chug OR Two Sets Of Burpees

  • Cher crashes into something while driving.
  • Cher makes a literary reference – extra sip if it almost makes sense.clueless

 

  • A person is wearing pleather or crunchy plastic.
  • Makeover!

  • A character references ’90s pop psychology (For instance, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, or body language – anyone else still interpret “legs crossed toward each other” as an “unequivocal sex invite?”).
  • Christian references ’50s culture.
  • Cher is wearing an unnecessary sheer layer.
  • You spy french tip nails.
  • Elton is wearing a chunky wool sweater, or otherwise looks like a fall Brooks Brothers catalog. In Southern California.
  • Drugs. And you didn’t realize they were drugs as a child.
  • Any signs Christian was gay … extra sip if you missed it as a child or youth (like that he isn’t talking/looking at any other girl).
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Extreme Makeover: Clueless Edition

When Clueless director Amy Heckerling was casting the movie back in the early 90s, she came across a number of up-and-coming actors and actresses who are now household names. In an interview with Vanity Fair for the 20th anniversary, Amy revealed the shortlist for Cher, which included young talents like Cybill’s daughter Alicia Witt, Kelly Kapowski aka Tiffani Thiessen, #HairGoals Keri Russell, and the actress Amy recalls the casting director told her she ‘had to see the girl in Flesh and Bone’, who turned out to be Gwyneth Paltrow.

But the one person that could’ve donned the Alaia dress is Legally Blonde herself, Reese Witherspoon.

“I had my heart set on Alicia… But Fox … wanted me to explore all the options… I met with Reese because everyone said, ‘This girl is amazing. She’s going to be huge.’ I saw some movie where she had a southern accent. Maybe it was on TV, a movie of the week. But I did see some scenes of hers and went: ‘Wow. She’s amazing.’ But Alicia is Cher.”

As for Cher’s love interest Josh, Fox casting director Carrie Frazier was really gung ho on a young Ben Affleck, and was “heartbroken” when he wasn’t cast. Other tidbits – Dave Chappelle could’ve been Murray (Donald Faison) and Sarah Michelle Gellar had to turn down the part of Amber due to her obligation to All My Children at the time.

With the infinite amount of permutations that could’ve happened with casting back then, we could’ve seen an entirely different Clueless – but we think they got it right. But moving forward in an era where there seems to be an announcement for a reboot of some 90s TV show or movie every day (hi, Fuller House, The X-Files, and Twin Peaks), we got to thinking what it would be like if Clueless, which is itself loosely based on Jane Austen’s Emma, what would a modern day BevHills Clueless look like with some of today’s hottest and up-and coming actors? Here are our personal picks for Clueless 2.0 – do you agree?

Kiernan Shipka as Cher Horowitz

What Alicia Silverstone was in 1995, Kiernan Shipka is in 2015. A likable blonde teen who looks impossibly polished, but can still pull off the Girl Next Door thing. Plus if you watched Mad Men, you know that Kiernan is such an incredible actress that she would bring out whole new layers in the character.

Besides, when you think about it, Cher Horowitz is the logical extension of a 16-year-old Sally Draper.

Alternate casting: Amandla Stenberg

Zendaya as Dionne Davenport

In real life, Zendaya is a smart, well-spoken, fashionista. Some of the characters she’s played have a bit of sass, and Dionne is kind of a mix between the two Zendayas. Dionne is also a girl who knows who she is and comes across as super confident, without being arrogant, and that’s Zendaya to a T.

Alternate casting: Maia Mitchell

Rowan Blanchard as Tai Frasier

You’re going to need to bear with me on this one. Do you watch Girl Meets World? No, because you’re a grownup? Fine. Maybe you watched Boy Meets World. Rowan plays Cory’s daughter, and she’s the perfect 2015 answer to Cory Matthews. A little awkward, sort of wide-eyed and naive, but above all a smart kid with a heart of gold. Another 90s character that shared those traits: Tai Frasier. She’s a bit younger than the rest of the prospective cast, but so was Brittany Murphy. It made it all the more believable that she was the fish out of (New Jersey) water.

Alternate casting: Maisie Williams

Dylan O’Brien as Josh Lucas

TBH, Paul Rudd could just reprise his role as Josh because THE MAN HAS NEVER AGED. In 20 years, the son of a gun looks exactly the same. But I guess it would be weird if he romanced a teen Kiernan Shipka. I don’t watch Teen Wolf. Nor have I seen The Maze Runner. But I know a good looking teen idol when I see one. Dylan is one of those folks who is part of multiple fandoms and is big on the Internetz (like the Tumblrs and whatnot). He can be charming and romantic and perfect as Josh.

Alternate casting: Gregg Sulkin

Michael B. Jordan as Murray Duvall

Through Friday Night Lights, Parenthood, and Fruitvale Station, we became Michael B. Jordan superfans. To the point where we will cast him in Clueless although his teen years are long past. I mean, having at least one actor in his or her late 20s is a teen movie tradition, right? While we usually see him in dramatic roles, we’d give anything to see the former Vince Howard explain that he shaved his head “cause I’m keeping it real!”

Only problem: somehow, in some way, he’d manage to make us cry. He always does.

Alternate casting: Tyler James Williams (He’s funny. And he grew up!)

Jaden Smith as Elton Tiscia

First of all, Elton has a last name, apparently?

Second, I feel about Jaden Smith the same way you would about a little brother or cousin. I’m sure he’s overall a good kid who will turn into a great grown up, but Lord, do you want to punch him sometimes.

Punchability, I would argue, is the hallmark of Elton Tiscia.

Plus, not that I doubt Jaden’s acting skills, but it wouldn’t be a stretch for him to play a rich kid who’s so used to getting what he wants that he can’t even imagine that Cher isn’t into him.

Bella Thorne as Amber Mariens

It’s not just the red hair. Bella is just so awesome at playing the girl you love to hate, but she could also bring out the genuine wackiness that is Ambular. But even with atrocious hair and outfits, it’s clear that she belongs in Cher’s tier.

Alternate casting: Mae Whitman

Miles Heizer as Travis Birkenstock

Not to typecast, but did you watch Parenthood? Miles is amazing as a sensitive, lovable stoner. I feel like the 90s teen pothead stereotype (Birkenstocks, ponchos) is a bit of a thing of the past. Now Travis would be a more mainstream skater who made up for in heart what he lacked in motivation.

Ezra Miller as Christian Stovitz

Christian needs to be handsome in an old-school way, the kind of debonaire gent that never courts ladies anymore … you know, because he’s not into them. Ezra Miller seems like a natural choice for lovable Rat Pack wannabe Christian. He’s so pretty a teen girl would swoon over him,  but with the same “I don’t care” attitude that makes Cher think he’s playing it cool and taking their relationship slow. Really, really slow.

Alternate casting: Ross Lynch, Asa Butterfield

Hailee Steinfeld as Summer

They didn’t really give Summer much to do, did they? That makes it the perfect role for a bit of stunt casting. The only requirement: that she be traditionally pretty enough that she makes sense in the Noxzema ad that is Cher’s circle of friends. Our pick is Oscar nominee Hailee Steinfeld, a fantastic actress who could maybe hopefully get a few lines this time around. After Pitch Perfect 2, we’d also like to request a song or two.

Alternate Casting: Ariel Winter, Cara Delevingne

Bob Odenkirk as Mr. Horowitz

 

My problem with Dan Hedaya as the OG Mr. Horowitz was that he made me think he had a secret life as a gangster – like Al Capone gangster – in the past. I feel like Cher’s dad of course needs to be stern and strict to a certain point, but also obviously caring for his daughter. Bob Odenkirk, while playing a scummy lawyer on Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul, has a heart to him that can take that gangster feel away. He’s also obviously very funny without even trying, so saying just one line in the dryest of tones will make him a stand out star.

Alternate Casting: Jeff Daniels, Michael Keaton

Leslie Jones as Ms. Stoeger

I love Leslie Jones. If you’re not familiar with her work, you probably don’t watch Saturday Night Live. But get to know her because she’s going to be huge. She’s been in the comedy game for a long time, but didn’t become a more recognised name until she was promoted from writer to cast member on SNL. She’s in the new Ghostbusters movie alongside Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy and Kate McKinnon, so you know if you are in their squad, you have to be able to be just as funny, if not funnier. The role of the Ms. Stoger the gym teacher may be small, but in this fake reboot, it could have potential to be big.

Zach Galifianakis as Mr. Hall and Kristen Wiig as Miss Geist

I would like to say for the record that prior to choosing these two, I totally forgot they have a movie coming out later this year called Masterminds in which they play a couple of dumb criminals. Maybe it was in my subconscious, but let’s just face the facts here – I’m a casting genius. Anyways, 20 years ago, Miss Geist and Mr. Hall were 40ish and 50ish in real life, but as a nine year old, they looked so old to me. In our reboot, I think the way to go is to play up the comedy. If we have a cast of teens who are good at comedy, we need adults like Leslie Jones and Bob Odenkirk to knock it out of the freaking park with jokes. The pairing of Kristen and Zach just makes me laugh looking at them and thinking of what could possibly come out of their mouths when paired up together. Kristen also plays shy well, and Zach can play shy confidence. It’s a match made in blog fake movie heaven.

A Clueless Drinking/ Workout Game: Suck And Blow And Buns Of Steel

Clueless is the movie that taught us about drinking games – suck and blow, anyone? We may have been too young to really get what was going on when Clueless came out 20 years ago. But now anyone who can remember when Clueless was a new hit movie is, by default, over 21. That means we can play the drinking games now! As always, drink responsibly and legally, and feel free to substitute in a non-alcoholic beverage.

If your buns don’t feel nothin’ like steel, or you have some freeways to accidentally merge onto after this, do our workout version instead!

One Sip OR One Set of Mountain Climbers (* A set is what you say is a set!)

  • The phrase “way harsh” is uttered.

  • A main character rocks anything plaid.
  • Dionne and Murray fight.
  • Cher flips her hair.
  • Any time Paul Rudd is hot. This is subjective but you may find yourself drinking a lot.

  • Josh gazes lovingly at Cher.
  • Cher mispronounces something.

  • A character plays sensitive ’90s music – two sips if they sing along (turn away, turn awayayayay…).
  • You spot a “only in the mid-90s” pop culture reference that escaped you before (Kato Kaelin, Travis’s last name is Birkenstock, etc).

One Huge Gulp OR One Set Of Bicep Curls

  • Elton outwardly flirts or gets too handsy with Cher.
  • The kids talk like grownups.
  • When you see Lucy the Maid physically afraid of Mr. Horowitz
  • Dionne and Murray make up.
  • Cher actually says/uses a big word correctly.
  • Josh is eating something (extra sip if it’s weird).
  • You spot product placement with packaging you haven’t seen for over a decade (Coke cans, Minute Maid juice boxes, etc).
  • Any references to Miss Stoeger’s sexual orientation – subtle or explicit.

Take a Shot OR One Set Of Bicycle Crunches

  • You or someone watching with you says “As If” in sync with Cher.
  • An “adult” character looks young to you.
  • A “teenaged” extra is clearly 30 yrs old… meaning that now, they are 50.
  • A person collapses a cell phone antenna. Remember having to do that? [The cell phone use is one of the reasons Clueless almost seems like it could have been released today, but I remember at the time it was revolutionary that all these rich kids had their own cells.]
  • Josh references not-for-profits, either in words or via t-shirt.
  • A teen driver’s eyes aren’t on the road.
  • There is a plastic surgery reference.
  • You spot a scrunchie in the wild.

Pour A Little Out For Your Homie OR Sun Salute

  • You remember that Brittany Murphy died and get sad about it all over again.

Chug OR Two Sets Of Burpees

  • Cher crashes into something while driving.
  • Cher makes a literary reference – extra sip if it almost makes sense.clueless

 

  • A person is wearing pleather or crunchy plastic.
  • Makeover!

  • A character references ’90s pop psychology (For instance, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, or body language – anyone else still interpret “legs crossed toward each other” as an “unequivocal sex invite?”).
  • Christian references ’50s culture.
  • Cher is wearing an unnecessary sheer layer.
  • You spy french tip nails.
  • Elton is wearing a chunky wool sweater, or otherwise looks like a fall Brooks Brothers catalog. In Southern California.
  • Drugs. And you didn’t realize they were drugs as a child.
  • Any signs Christian was gay … extra sip if you missed it as a child or youth (like that he isn’t talking/looking at any other girl).

Not Ensembly Challenged: Still-Wearable Clueless Fashion

If you want to know how teens dressed in the 90s, just watch Clueless. Sort of. Not the main characters – nobody really dressed like that. No, next time, keep your eye on the background players. The unflattering jeans, the scrunchies, the awkwardly cut shirts – those were the true Kids In America, 1995.

Because Cher, Dionne, and friends were basically cartoons of the most extreme mid-90s teen style, most of their clothes would look ridiculous today. Heck, most of them looked ridiculous in ’95. That was kind of the point. But now that the 90s have circled back into fashion there are some looks that would look just as fresh today as they did 20 years ago. Wear these, and you will not have to choose between identifying as fashion victim or ensembly challenged.

Cher’s Pajamas


I can’t find a better shot of them, but I want these fresh-as-a-daisy crop top pajamas right now.

Cher’s Grade Change Outfit

The perfect simple, preppy, tennis-y outfit. Not that Cher played tennis.

Tai’s Post-Makeover, Picture-In-Elton’s Locker Outfit

There’s a lot of plaid in Clueless. Much of it unwearable. But this – this is adorable, and honestly very typical of 90s teens. (Source: when Clueless came out I was 8 and lived with the next-coolest thing to a unicorn for an 8-year-old girl – a teenage sister who sometimes let me hang out when her friends were over). Not so wearable: Ambular’s … outfit… thing.

Dionne’s Multicolored Extensions

Between Stacey Dash’s general agelessness and the popularity of colorful yarn braids, it’s hard to believe that this isn’t 2015. Seriously, how amazing does she look?

The Alaia

Along with the yellow plaid outfit, this is Cher’s iconic look (thanks for nothing, Iggy Azalea, haven’t you done enough?). The wacky feather-trimmed jacked should probably stay at a val party in 1995 where it belongs, though.

Dionne’s Layered Necklaces

If you look closely, Dionne has these layered gold necklaces – a cross and some kind of pendant – that she wears in a few scenes. Very 2K15 appropriate.

Cher’s Post- Hall/Geist Setup Celebration Outfit

I know I said that there’s a lot of plaid, and, well, there IS a lot of plaid. But this is the cutest outfit and brings together so many of the mid 90s looks I remember: the 70s minidress revival, prep (knee socks!), plaid, and unnecessary hats.

Cher’s Gym Class Outfit

I could never wear the tank top over a tee without looking like a Sister Wife, but this puts all the stupid, schlubby t-shirts and sweats I wore to gym class to shame. See also: an early prototype of the cell phone case. Amber, stop.

Cher And Dionne’s Outfits When Tai Is Wearing Farmer Clothes

Empire waists were a big deal – even for kids. ONe of my school concert outfits had a bow just like Cher’s and I thought I was so cool. Sportswear was also a big deal, a la Dionne’s amazing black and hot pink ensemble. And Tai… well, Tai. Troll dolls were in, what can I say. Also the girl in the background is wearing a shirt with this weird-shaped flower that was for some reason ubiquitous.

Cher’s Dress. Says who? Calvin Klein.

Another 90s trend, though you may not believe it from this movie: minimalism. A lot of plain tank tops, Gap staples, basic scoop-necked wedding gowns – a subdued reaction to the wackiness that was the late 80s and early 90s. This dress is perfectly on-trend and still looks lovely, especially without that sheer thing she drapes over it.

Cher’s Emma-Inspired Shopping Dress

This dress! There’s the minimalism and empire waist we talked about before. Is the waistline a nod to the Jane Austen era since Clueless is loosely based on Emma?

Dionne’s Wedding Hair

Before the flower crown, there was the flower everywhere. Why do I bet that if you walked into Claire’s or The Icing, 90% of the stock is the same as it was when I was 8 and Clueless was king?

Clueless-isms: A 90s Glossary

When Clueless came out in 1995, we were in fourth grade – so eight and nine years old. I don’t think I watched the movie until a couple years later, but even then, I regarded the film as the epitome of coolness. Lit’rally the word ‘coolness’, because that was a word I used in excess back then. It featured pretty people, in a lavish California neighborhood, and high school seemed like the furthest thing from my Catholic school upbringing. In sixth grade, my friends and I even decided to assume roles of Clueless characters (for fun?), with the blonde girl being Cher, the cute kid as Elton, and obviously, I played Summer the Asian chick.

But watching it as a tween is way different than watching it as an adult, mainly because there are a lot of references and lines I glossed over as a kid, that make me think, ‘How is this appropriate for a child??’ now (remember the bong scene? Yeah, you might not because you DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A BONG.) Not only that, but times have changed in two decades. The pop culture refs made in 1995 aren’t the same ones made in 2015. So whether you’re in or nearing your 30s or new to the Clueless culture, we’ve created a handy glossary to help you understand just what they’re talking about in this iconic film.

Tai: “Wow you guys talk like grown-ups.”

Cher: “Well this is a very good school.”

The 411 {noun}

Definition: The information, details

Context: “Here’s the 411 on Mr. Hall: he’s single, he’s 47, and he earns minor duckets for a thankless job.”

Audi {verb}

Screenshot 2015-07-08 22.47.25

Definition: Leaving, exiting. Not to be confused with ‘Outie’, which is also a thing 90s kids also said.

Context: Cher: “Dee, I’m Audi.” Dionne: “Bye.”

Baldwin {proper noun}

Definition: A handsome man; inspired by the Baldwin brothers (Alec, Stephen, Billy, etc. in the 90s, when they were at their prime)

Context: “OK, OK, so he is kind of a Baldwin.”

Barneys and Bettys {noun}

Screenshot 2015-07-08 22.51.16

Definition: Derived from The Flintstones, a Betty is a hot girl, while a Barney, is a dumber, less attractive guy.

Context: Wasn’t Cher’s mom a total Betty?

Cake boy {noun}

Definition: A gay man

Context: “Your man Christian is a cake boy… He’s a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde -reading, Streisand-ticket-holding friend of Dorothy. Know what I’m saying?”

Cher and Dionne {proper nouns}

Definition: Cher is named after Cher and Dionne after Dionne Warwick, both pop stars who later used their celebrity to peddle goods on TV informercials.

Context: I can’t not watch Dionne Warwick’s Psychic Friends Network infomercial when it’s on at 3am.

Contempo Casuals {proper noun}

Definition: Young female teen retail store with low budget yet fashionable clothing.

Context: Meet me in Contempo Casual, I need to buy a new set of butterfly clips and tank tops.

The Cranberries {proper noun}

Definition: Irish rock band who were super popular in the 1990s

Context: “I can’t find my Cranberries CD I need to go to the quad before somebody steals it.”

Jeepin’ {verb}

Definition: Cheating on yo’ boo; sexin’ in the back of a car

Context: Murray: “Where you been all weekend? What’s up? You been Jeepin’ around behind my back?”

Kato Kaelin {proper noun}

Definition: An actor who was staying at O.J. Simpson’s guest house when his wife Nicole Brown Simpson was murdered at their house in 1994. He was subsequently a witness during O.J.’s infamous trial, and known for his rambling and inconsistent testimonies, and a constant target as a freeloader in the media.

Context: “He’s not your dad, Why don’t you torture a new family?” “Just because my mother marries someone else, it doesn’t mean he’s my father.” “Actually, Kato, that’s exactly what it means.”

Monet {proper noun}

Definition: A person who seems to be attractive from far away until you see them up close.

Context: “It’s like a painting, see? From far away, it’s OK, but up close, it’s a big old mess.”

Noxzema {proper noun}

Definition: A popular skin cleanser popular with teens, known in the 90s for its friend-heavy commercials

Context: “Cher and her friends look like a Noxema commercial with all the fun they’re having in that waterfall rn.”

Pauly Shore {proper noun}

Definition: Pauly Shore was a popular comedian in the 90s, but his movies were critically panned, including films like Encino Man, Son-In-Law and Bio-Dome.

Context: Pauly Shore movies are horrible.

Ren and Stimpy {proper noun}

Screenshot 2015-07-08 23.47.06

Definition: A cult yet controversial cartoon series about a dog and cat that aired on Nickelodeon in the early 90s.

Context:  Josh: “I can’t believe I’m taking advice from someone who watches cartoons.” Cher: “That’s Ren and Stimpy. They’re way existential.”

Tree People {proper noun}/ Marky Mark

http://www.buzzfeed.com/leonoraepstein/clueless-references-you-missed-as-a-kid#.to0vW9jp2

Definition: A environmental advocacy group based in Los Angeles/ Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch = Mark Wahlberg’s rap persona in the 90s. Good Vibrations, y’all.

Context: Josh: “Actually, I’m going to a tree people meeting. Me might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.” Cher: “Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees? Josh, why don’t you just hire a gardener?”

Twin Peaks {proper noun}

Definition: The creepy, cult, thriller series from David Lynch based around the mystery of a young woman’s murder in a small town in Washington.

Context: Elton’s being a little creepy by having Tai’s picture hanging up in his locker.

What’s Love Got To Do With It {proper noun}

Definition: The 1993 biopic loosely based on Tina Turner and ex-husband Ike Turner’s turbulent relationship.

Context: Dionne and her boyfriend, Murray are in this dramatic relationship… why do you put up with it? You could do so much better.

Expectations vs. Reality: RomCom Cliches

If you expected this final post of RomCom Week to include a huge grand declaration of love for you, I’m here to burst your bubble because it’s not going to happen. JUST KIDDING, WE APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU READERS AND OUR LOVE IS AS PERFECT AS THE END OF ALL ROMCOMS.

But for serious, these movies tend to make our expectations high regarding our real life relationships, and most of the time, we just don’t get that perfect movie ending. So we’re here to lay some truth nuggets on you about some of the most used RomCom cliches used over the years. It ain’t gonna be pretty.

Expectation: You move to a new city and you immediately get along with your neighbors and everyone you encounter.

Reality: You have no friends except your mailman and the barista at the Starbucks down the street who gives you free Venti upgrades because he feels sorry for you.

Expectation: You have a great job in your mid-20s and you actually love it. You’ll be a high-power lawyer or own your own bookstore/bakery or architect or gallery curator at the Guggenheim.

Reality: Working a job you’re just fine with and still paying that little bitch Sallie Mae all of your student loans.

Expectation: Makeovers bring all the boys and girls to the yard.

Reality: No one does a better you than yourself.

Expectation: You can fall down all the time – while carrying things, down stairs, up stairs – but miraculously get up a bit humiliated, but otherwise okay.

Reality: If you fall down in front of your crush, worst-case scenario they’re going to watch you hobble off to Urgent Care to get your ankle X-rayed, best case scenario you’re getting up with a run in your stockings, a broken shoe, and stains from the coffee you were carrying. Which means you’re also going to smell like old coffee for the rest of the day.

Expectation:  You will have one less-attractive best friend whose whole purpose in life is to listen to your romantic problems then give you advice.

Reality: Your friends have their own lives. Or give bad advice. Or are prettier than you. Sorry.

Expectation: There will always be a Token (minority/gay best friend, etc.) to make snarky comments and witty side banter while you tell tales of your romantic plight.

 

Reality: Okay, so this may be true, but I’m just bringing this up because maybe it’s time the Token becomes the protagonist more often? Just saying.

Expectation: Once you meet a guy you’re into, you run into him all of the time at parties, grocery shopping, book stores, the park…

Reality: Option 1: That doesn’t really happen, so you actually have to decide to see each other on purpose, which is a lot trickier. Option 2: You DO run into each other all the time, and you can’t decide whether you’re more worried that you look like a stalker, or he is a stalker.

Expectation: When you can’t stand someone, it’s probably because you secretly love him.

Reality: When you can’t stand someone, it’s probably because you can’t stand him.

Expectation: You’ve been secretly (or maybe not-so-secretly) in love with your best guy/girl friend for years and when you finally get the guts to confess your feelings, they reciprocate with their own confession of love.

Reality: Sometimes friends are just friends. Sorry, boo boo. He’s just not that into you.

Expectation: Your relationship will kick off with a grand declaration of love.

Reality: You’ll kind of start hanging out more and more, and then after a month or two you have that “so, what ARE we anyway?” conversation.

Expectation: Your quirks are adorable. Every weird thing you do becomes another item on your love interest’s Meet Virginia-esque, Drops Of Jupiter-y list of things he thinks are precious about you.

Reality: Weird people are weird. Nobody thinks it’s cute that you’re so cold that you sleep in sweatshirts, or that you hate the sound of other people chewing, or that you make up your own lyrics to pop songs in the car. At best, they tolerate it.

Expectation: Once you find love, all your problems will be gone and you’ll live happily ever after.

yes, this is from grey’s anatomy. it counts because she spits the truth.

Reality: False. Ultimately, only you can make yourself happy. If you’re happy as a person and happy as a half of a couple, right on. But just being in love isn’t always enough.

Bleth & More Fictional Couples Who Should Marry IRL

It happened, y’all. Two of the most beloved characters in millennial TV history are getting married IRL!

If you haven’t heard yet, Blair Waldorf and Seth Cohen (Bleth) are engaged!!!

Okay, so it’s actually Leighton Meester and Adam Brody. Two things came to my mind upon hearing this: 1) UGH now Seth and Summer will NEVER be together. 2) Blair and Seth. Weird.

It did not occur to me until a good minute later that these folks are not their fictional characters, because I am too engrossed in the lives of TV characters instead of my own real life. (It’s fine, I’m not the only one. The internet is stuck in the land of Newport & the Upper East Side too).

Anyways, while the idea of Queen B and lovable geek Seth getting together seems almost impossible that it could actually be true love, it got me thinking – what other characters from 90s/00s TV shows would actually be really compatible? Here are a few I came up with. Agree? Disagree? Want to add more to the list? Let us know!

Jenny Oliver
To continue with the Gossip Girl/The OC crossover, I present to you Jenny Humphrey and Oliver Trask. Jenny was a good girl gone bad, while Oliver was just a nutjob gone cray cray. Put them together and you have a big ball of insanity, which is probably not condusive to you know, living a normal life, but at least they would be happy together?

lisa carlton
When you think about it, these two could have actually gotten together. Lisa lived in the Pacific Palisades on Saved by the Bell while Carlton lived (with the Fresh Prince) in Bel-Air. It’s only like a “20 minute” commute, so it’s totes easy for Lisa to pick up Carlton and the two (read: just Lisa) can go shopping on his credit card. Not to mention, she would have a BFF in his sister Hillary.

ruthie ben
I’m going to pretend that Ruthie is still 8 years old on 7th Heaven and Ben is 6 on Friends, because I can’t handle the fact that Grown up Ruthie is posing half naked in magazines and Ben has split into twins and one of them works in a restaurant. These two were both troublemakers at some point in their respective series so while Ben avoids hanging out with Sting’s son, he can just casually date/hold hands with Ruthie and everything will be okay.

jonathan erik
Alright, before you leave a nasty comment, I realize that Jonathan Bower from Who’s the Boss was never actually gay on the show. It was the ’80s/90s, they couldn’t do that. On the other hand, Danny Pinaturo, the actor, actually is gay, so lets pretend new came out later in life and started dating Eric Van der Woodsen from Gossip Girl. Eric, since he grew up in the age where coming out isn’t as big of a deal as it used to be, has had his fair share of bfs, so he could teach Jonathan a little something about being ‘out’. In public.

kimmy neal
Ah Gibbler. The annoying sometimes charming BFF/neighbor to the Tanner family on Full House. She’s the type of person that would only get on with someone that’s just as weird and freaky as her. Enter Neal Schweiber from Freaks and Geeks. If you’re not familiar (what’s wrong with you? Watch that shit now), Neal is part of the Geek section of Freaks and Geeks. He thinks he’s a ladies man but, let’s face it. He’s not. Except with Gibbler.

jessie randy
There’s an episode of Saved by the Bell called Cut Day (is it disgusting I didn’t even have to look that up?) where Jessie finds a love connection with Graham – a boy she’s NEVER met or seen before in this high school where we see the same students over and over again – after they bond over protesting the delivery of styrofoam cups to the cafeteria and chaining themselves to lockers. Meanwhile, over on Home Improvement, Randy Taylor was kind of the odd man out in the family, as he cared more about environmental and civil rights and even became a vegetarian, much to the chagrin of Tim the Toolman Taylor. JTT decided to leave the show to go to college IRL, so the writers shipped Randy off to Costa Rica with his girlfriend in an attempt to save the rainforest. Basically, these two belong together in Colorado living a crunchy granola vegan lifestyle or for Americorps in – where else – Costa Rica.

kate dickKate Sanders was the bitchy, popular girl on Lizzie McGuire and Dick Casablancas, well Dick lived up to his first name. I realize that maybe there’s a slight age difference here, but theoretically, Kate and Dick would be a match made in heaven. And provide plenty of fodder for Veronica Mars’ flawless snark.

cher joeyLest we forget, Clueless was so popular that it spawned a TV show. Even though it only lasted for three seasons, Cher was still Cher and swimming in the middle of a bunch of Monets in Beverly Hills. Joey may have been a dumb jock on Blossom, but all he really needs is someone who is like him but smarter, and Cher can totally fit that role for him.

ren parisOkay, okay. These two aren’t lesbians. But bear with me for a second. Ren Stevens was a Type A overachiever on Even Stevens. Paris Geller was a Type A overachiever on Gilmore Girls. The ultimate power couple? And just think about it – these two could EASILY be lesbians. Like if one day they returned and it was revealed they’ve switched teams and gone all Piper Chapman over the past couple of years, I wouldn’t be surprised.

bliss feenyHonestly, I don’t know why no one ever thought of this before. Two teachers from beloved teen sitcoms, each providing life lessons for their students/adopted kids? Goood Morning, Mrs. Feeny.