Good evening and welcome to our liveblog of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Or, as I like to call it, Nerd Superbowl. Speaking of the superbowl, this is the one time every year that many of us will be voluntarily tuning into ESPN, so everyone, give yourselves a few minutes to track down the channel. Keep refreshing the blog to catch our updates, and follow our live tweets on Twitter — @cookiessangria
Like homeschooled 5th graders and NPR fans everywhere, I’ve been waiting all year for this. Literally, this time — I read American Bee: The National Spelling Bee and The Culture Of Word Nerds right after last year’s bee, and was pretty bummed I’d have to wait 12 months to see it play out.
Remember the big bee news of 2012? The youngest speller ever, 6-year-old Lori Anne Madison competed. She got dinged out on “ingluvies.” Cute kid, but can’t spell ingluvies? What are you, a kindergartner?
I honestly have tattoos older than her.
Ugh, who am I kidding. Even though she has a name from 1973 (a good thing, as Lori is 10,000 times better than Madycynne or McKaeighlah), this kid wasn’t even born until I was a few years into college. Lori isn’t here this year, but I don’t think we’ve seen the last of her. I sincerely hope that she’s being seven right now and constructing a blanket fort or making a village out of tissue boxes.
This year, the hot story is that the competitors have to take a vocab test. FINALLY. If there’s one problem with spelling bee kids, it’s that they’re dumb and lazy and don’t know enough about words. Thank God we’re finally weeding out those bozos!
The Bee begins with a kind of confusing Matilda The Musical tie-in. I can only guess that we’re trying to reach out to all distinct nerd groups, from word to theater to eventually science. I can only guess they’ll bring in Doctor Who eventually.
Really embarrassed to remember some of these kids. Favs: Vanya, whose sister won a few years back and is ADORABLE, and Arvind, who has more charm than any child since Jonathan Lipnicki told us all how much the human head weighs.
Dr. Jacques Bailly is seriously just the Tim Gunn of the National Spelling Bee. What a dream.
Do kids with misspelled names get ashamed during the bee? Or are they drawn to it to correct their parents’ mistakes? I’m looking at you, Christal Schermeister.
Guys, if I’m mean about Christal Schermeister, it’s just because she’s clearly going to grow up to be far more intelligent and attractive than me.
First ding out! Bummer. I try not to get too attached to anyone during the early rounds. I’m sure many Panem citizens used the same tactic during the Hunger Games.
A little more spelling bee background: the kids arrived in D.C. last weekend, and I guess they just go hog-wild in a hotel this week. I mean, as wild as kids who spend all day studying the dictionary can go. It’s like rumspringa for a very particular kind of Amish person.
Vanya Shivashankar knows French very well. I mean, of course she does. Best kid ever. BTW, her sister Kavya is here and she’s so grown up! Off to Colombia already.
Amber Born: “Is the sentence funny?” Amber wants to be a comedy writer. Amber, girl after my own heart. Please come by and write for us sometimes! As long as you promise not to judge our spelling which is, admittedly, not always awesome. The announcers say she’s a dark horse. Move over, Arvind, I have a new favorite.
Sriram is from kind of near me! This matters to none of you. I’ll stop. He gets singerie, which is from French. Apparently when I was taking college French I told Traci that it was the language that they speak in hell. I don’t remember saying that, but it seems like something I would do. Such weird pronunciations! Full disclosure: French was my grandma’s first language, so I’m not just being a jerk. I’m being a jerk to my own beloved family members.
Arvind’s drama teacher sees him in a red smoking jacket. I’m sorry, is he a precocious 8th grader or Hugh Hefner? I’m confused.
Here is a fantastic spelling bee video (not from today). This kid is my new comedy hero. He was totally punking her:
Oh man, I remember Vismaya from last year. She did pretty well and had a distinct air of being probably too cool for this business. Damn, Vismaya. You’re smooth. Delivered “sciomancy” like it was nothing even though she was obviously not sure of it.
Grace is pictured diving into one of those pits of foam blocks, which was a childhood dream of mine thanks to all of the gymnastics centers that opened up after the ’96 Olympics. There are also a bunch of trampolines, which reminds me that Amanda Bynes was photographed at a trampoline center at my old city, Buffalo. First of all, I never knew there was a trampoline center there. Second, I am really curious as to what string of events lead her to a Western New York trampo-gym. Buffalo’s right at the border, so maybe that.
Bailly and co. tried to recreate those commercials where kids are sitting around being asked questions. I love those commercials, but I can’t say that they’re all that effective, because I can’t remember what they’re for. Was it phones?
Grace Remmer is chronicling her various awkward stages that appeared during the bee. Listen. Like most American kids, I can remember my spelling bee downfall painfully well. I was a major bookworm with the vocabulary of a nerdy adult, but I didn’t have an exceptional spelling prowess. See, if they’d had the vocabulary test then, I might have been okay. Anyway, I made it nearly to the end of my elementary school bee, only to be struck down by “counselor.” To be fair, I don’t think we got definitions, and I spelled it councillor, which is a homophone or close to it. Whatever. Anyway, Grace reminds me that it’s not like I’d really want my 11-year-old mug visible on the internet today, anyway. I had the Frizz No Butterfly Clips Can Tame.
Christal’s little sister looks majorly concerned. Somebody didn’t study “doryline.” Oh shit. Countdown clock. Bye, Christal. It’s been real. With the sorry spelling genes that your parents passed down, it’s a miracle you made it this far. I mean, Christal?
According to the spelling bee kids via Mackelmore, the ceiling is no longer able to hold them.
Vanya, stop asking questions, you know this. I was about to wonder whether she got teased with Uncle Vanya references at school, but probably not, right? Because she’s a child?
Amber Born reminds me of Traci and I when we first became friends, except actually accomplished at something other than recording The Rosie O’Donnell Show so we didn’t miss it during our afterschool activities.
I know envoutement totally LOOKS like a word, but when you pronounce it with a fancy French accent, it sure doesn’t SOUND like one. I reiterate: The Language They Speak In Hell. With all due apologies to my dear, late Grandma. But I think there’s a reason she always spoke English with us, you know?
[The reason is my demonstrated inability to speak French properly, probably]
This may be the first time I correctly identified a history-based root. Sansculottic, related to the sans-culottes? Yeah, I KILLED AP European. That’s right.
Vismaya is from Bountiful, Utah. Was that the town with all of the plural marriages? I read a book on the FLDS but don’t really remember. She’s clearly too cool to take part in that though:There are nine spellers left. NINE. Don’t they know that kids stodgy 20-somethings are watching with strict bedtimes to attend to? Come on, Bailly. Stop playing so nice.
Can we talk about redshirting? When I was in eighth grade, maybe half of the kids had turned 14 by the end of the school year. I’d think with all the homeschooling happening, most of these kids would be ahead of grade level for their age. There are a few too many 14-year-olds, is all I’m saying. I’m only regular-smart**, not spelling-bee smart, and teachers even asked my parents if they wanted to skip me ahead a grade. I’m sure some of these old kids are being kept at eighth grade status just to eke out another year of eligibility.
** A cold truth to all of you precocious kids out there: eventually, you’ll be average. I may have had a sixth grade reading level in kindergarten, but by law school, I just had a law school reading level. There’s a silver lining, though. That means parents can chill out about trying to teach their babies to read and their 2-year-olds to multiply. Eventually, they’ll probably be exactly as dumb as everyone else.
FYI: When there’s an accent mark, the kid doesn’t have to say it. The more you know.
Trivia: Vismaya’s mom used to be an actress in India. She got the word right, which is nice, I guess, but I am seriously getting sleepy here. Please start being less excellent, children.
Awww. Grace Remmer just got a standing ovation after she dinged out. She’s been here 4 years in a row. Such a likable kid! She’s temporarily taken over for Amber Brown as my favorite of the moment, because SOMEONE had to get eliminated so that this thing ends.
ESPN tells me that Nascar will be on in two days. Why do I guess there’s not too much overlap in these 2 audiences?
The winner gets $2,000 worth of reference works from Encyclopedia Brittanica. I’m sorry, do people still use encyclopedias? Other than my dad, who pulls down his 1976 Encyclopedia Americana because he doesn’t remember to use Google? In case you’re wondering, my parents are also the people who still use phone books as phone books.
This kids difficulty with the pronunciation of kaburi reminds me of this gem:
BOWERY. BALLERY? Bowery. BALLERY? I don’t know if this girl has a hearing impediment or a speech disorder, but either way, I’m going to hell. I’d blame this debacle on a regional accent, but the girl is from Philadelphia. I lived there. I’d understand the confusion if they asked her to say water (“water.” “WOODER?”) or eagles (“eagles.” “IGGLES?”), but bowery should be fine. Just kidding, love you guys, send me some Tastykakes, go Iggles.
The announcers just said one kid was the most consistent speller. But, if you’re still on the stage, isn’t it because you’ve gotten everything right? So all of these kids are equally consistent? Well, it’s not a logic bee.
So long, Vanya. Unlike most of these red-shirted 14-year-olds, she has two years of eligibility left. I’d really like to see her win one of these years!
Guys, Born gets laughs just for walking on stage. Girl’s going places. The last person I remember getting laughs for a mere entrance was Cosmo Kramer.
Goodbye, Vismaya! Fortunately, she will seldom come across the word paryphrodrome to haunt her again. It is so obscure that my spell check can’t even tell me how terribly I just butchered it.
Amber Born is out. Want to know a secret, Amber? Comedy writer is a cooler title than spelling bee champion, anyway.
They just announced that this can’t go on all night. I think I may have heard all of the angels of heaven singing hymns of joy and praise. 25 more words. I can stay awake for this. Maybe.
Sriram’s out. Don’t cry, little buddy. There is no way that ptyalagogue is even a real word.
AHH WE’RE DOWN TO ONE SPELLER! I’M NOT USING CAPS BECAUSE I’M HAPPY FOR THE WINNER I just really want to go to bed.
Oh my God, Arvind could win! This kid! He gets a German word last. German is his language-nemesis. I get this. Right, French?
Guys, I just want to do something so amazing ONE TIME that ticker tape confetti is thrown all over me. One time. Other than attending a ticker-tape parade. Love his look of utter shell-shock.
That’s all, kids! Thanks for reading and thanks even more for ignoring all of my spelling mistakes. I’m a bit of an armchair QB as far as spelling bees go.
And Amber, if you want to write a guest post, we’ll be here waiting.
– I am a minute late and have no idea what’s going on, though I don’t think I’ve missed much. I was making tea for the first minute or so. Also, a bowl of fruit with a couple nilla waifers. I ended up with the wafers by accident today: I was shopping with a two-year-old who sneaked them into the cart. I like how casual the name is: ‘nilla. They aren’t bad. But seriously, never let a toddler go free-range at Target. They don’t understand how money works but are very fascinated by everything, like greedy, tiny aliens.
– A 60-ish year old woman is singing Just Dance by Lady Gaga. God, I miss this era of Lady Gaga. Everything was so new and interesting and beautiful then, like falling in love when you still believe in it.
– They keep cutting to a young blonde girl so I think she’s important. Now’s the time to tell you that I’m PRETTY AMAZING with subtleties like this. If there’s a gun on the mantle in the first act, the young pretty blond is the star of the movie by the second minute, that kind of thing.
– The older lady is the young blond’s mom. Didn’t see that coming. I’m already less pretty amazing than I thought. The young blonde is in the show that the mom is.. directing? Choreographing? And the mom isn’t happy because YB wants to move to Europe with the man she loves.
– Some woman (Amanda) who is probably evil because she has dark hair and is wearing all black, finds a vitality tonic. Bingo. Gun on the mantle.
– Mirabella. Mirabella is young blonde’s name. The older woman has already declared “I am your MOTHER!” 8-10 times so I’m pretty sure that’s a bit of a plot point.
– DAMN IT. Old woman is named Harper. That’s my dog’s name. She is going to be freaking.out. for this whole movie. Before you say anything, I named my dog before Posh Spice, Kelly Kapowski, and Doogie Houser named their babies, thanks.
– Italy! Beautiful, beautiful stock footage!
– Harper drank the vitality tonic and became young and attractive. FYI, I’m on IMDB trying to find out if I should know all of these people, but I really shouldn’t, don’t worry. Harper has turned into Chelsea Kane, from such hit films as The Bratz Movie. My friend and I used to dislike the shit out of Bratz in their heyday, in large part due to Baby Bratz. They were all sassy with their short skirts and diapers, and we imagined that they were all saying things like “hey, look’it my tush!” and we were always like “noooo, I really don’t want to look at your tush.” In any event, she’s singing I Want To Dance With Somebody, which is a really fun song at a wedding reception or when you’re driving. I guess when you suddenly become 30 years younger, after the initial shock subsides, you just want to DANCE. Luckily, there are plenty of guys here to dance with, and everyone knows the steps. Harper changes outfits like 5 times during the song.
– Also from IMDB: This movie has fewer than two stars.
– Old Harper is Jane Seymour. Thanks to Dr. Quinn, I never would have recognized her without a calico frock and a 4-foot-long braid. I thought she was making enough cash-money off of those open heart necklaces she’s always schilling that she wouldn’t have to do this sort of thing. I guess she just really, you know, believes in the product.
– Gold tinted stock footage of a beautiful Italian villa, and a building that looks sort of like Chilton from Gilmore Girls.
– Mirabella is played by Sara Paxton, who you may recognize from the cinematic great, You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Christmas Party. I’m familiar. In college, we used to watch You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s School Dance Party while we were getting ready to go out sometimes. BTW, Paxton has a really beautiful head of hair. Enviable.
– Harper is pretending to be Mirabella’s cousin. I can’t wait for the scene where the truth gets revealed and everyone’s feelings are hurt due to all the deception! Because that will mean that this movie is ending. And it’s really quite boring.
– Someone mentions the color puce. Does that remind anyone else of Summer of the Swans, or did I seriously date myself there?
– Harper has texted/ called Amanda, and now Amanda knows what’s up. I have decided that she is Harper’s personal assistant. Also, Amanda glances at a poster of the young Harper to see what her young self looked like. The poster is from a flapper revue. I know that Jane Seymour isn’t supposed to be a spring chicken, but I don’t think she was exactly supposed to be round tabling at the Algonquin and partying in West Egg, right? I am expecting a subplot where she’s actually 120 years old and has been bathing in virgin blood or has a portrait that ages for her in the attic.
– I think Harper is flirting with her daughter’s fiance, but I can’t be positive because I’m too bored to pay much attention. She wants to break them up so Mirabella can be a STAR. She is also wearing a weird, floppy corrugated shirt with a GIANT purple flower. Kinda Georgia O’Keefe-y. Um, does she know what those were supposed to be? And is it supposed to be from her middle-aged wardrobe, or did she go shopping real quick when she got young? I don’t know why I’m looking for logic in a tele-musical about a woman who drinks a special tonic that turns her into a Bratz doll.
This freakin’ shirt. What this picture doesn’t tell you is that it has a weird wavy texture, like someone accordion-folded it because they needed a quick fan and were 7 years old.
– A group of girls, including Harper and Mirabella, are at the pool sharing their losing their virginity stories, because Mirabella doesn’t realize that her mom’s there and I guess other audience members have higher tolerance for secondhand embarrassment than I do. Harper wears a giant sun hat, which is stupid because it’s not like she needs to worry about aging.
– OH. That was all a setup so Mirabella could sing Like A Virgin. That makes sense. I think one of Mirabella’s friends is a Cheetah Girl. Does anyone have receipts on that? They’re all singing and dancing together, which I was expecting — unlike the time I wasn’t POSITIVE that From Justin To Kelly was a musical when Traci, I, and our high school friends went to it. This is not good.
– It’s like they just tried to make a plot around whatever songs they could get the rights to. I honestly think that’s what’s happening. I’m half expecting to hear public domain tunes like Wheels On The Bus if they run out of pop songs.
– Whenever the plot needs to move forward, Amanda calls and gives information. Mirabella is out of the show if she doesn’t come back, and the tonic is from a vaudeville trunk, because of course. I think that’s wrong because vaudeville trunks would just have top-hats, curly mustaches, and those giant canes you use to pull people offstage.
– Back at Chilton, Mira is trying on her wedding dress. At this point, I realize that I should have just tracked down a Mamma Mia DVD if I wanted to see people singing and dancing in Europe during wedding shenanigans.
– Shouldn’t Mirabella be worried that her mom isn’t in the country yet? I’m sure they covered that but like I said, it’s hard to pay attention to something this terrible.
– Harper isn’t a star anymore because she “blew her knee out.” That has got to be the least-romantic career ending injury they could think of. They couldn’t have had her faint off of a bridge or be diagnosed with a delicate heart?
– Harper’s hands and neck are aging. You know what they say, hands and throat always age first, so do to them whatever you do to your face. For me, that would be routinely examining them for more wrinkles and crying about it sometimes.
– There’s a Huggies commercial that uses the phrase “baby in your stomach” in regards to a pregnant woman. HATE. Whenever I hear someone say that, I always think “how’d she eat a whole BABY?”
– Long story short, Mira knows that Harper kissed her fiancee and Harper knows that she knows. Ryan, Mirabella’s dad, is here. I think that they are saying Brian for the first hour, so I don’t think the actors were even paying attention. Or maybe the writers forgot and changed it halfway through. Maybe Ryan is a nickname for Brian.
– Cheetah Girl just said “tequila shooters.” Is shooters vs. shots a geographic thing? Everyone I know calls them shots. Related: call them shooters or call them shots, I will probably need several of them to make it through this movie.
– Mirabella sings her feelings in the woods as her memories play on the screen. This is either an original song, or just an extra-terrible song that I have been blessed to get by without hearing thus far.
– The commercial breaks are going on longer and longer. It is almost as though this movie doesn’t want to come back. It is probably embarrassed.
– I know I should be paying better attention, but I am reading about Reese Witherspoon’s disorderly conduct arrest, which is a string of words I never though I’d type. Evidently, when told to stay in her car, she said that she is a U.S. citizen, and she is allowed to stand on American ground. I don’t know why that makes me LOL so bad but it does. BTW, she looks downcast and introspective in her booking photo, like a 16th century Madonna (sans child. What would Ava, Deacon, and Tennessee think? Tennessee the child AND Tennessee the state).
Dammit, Laura Jeanne.
See? Yeah, that’s right, I took art history once.
– (B)ryan is magically young too, now.
– I think I’ve found our problem. The writer is someone named Jaylynn. That means either (1) She is young enough to be named Jaylynn, so probably under 18, or (2) She is older but voluntarily chose the name Jaylynn as a nom de suck.
– Okay, so. Mirabella still thinks that Fiance kissed Harper, when actually Harper kissed fiance.
– I packed my lunch, loaded some dishes into the dishwasher, put my dog out, and the commercial break is STILL going on. It’s okay, Lovestruck: The Musical. I didn’t want to come back, either.
– Aunt Birdie (oh yeah, there’s an Aunt Birdie) drank the whole bottle of Vaudeville Youth Serum, and is a child. Personally, I would take just an itty-bitty sip of it. Just enough to get me to an hour and a half ago, before I decided to watch this mess.
– DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again. You know what’s extra bad about this, other than everything? In the Freaky Friday remake, Lohan really sold the whole adult in a young person’s body thing, but there’s none of that here. Harper is just straight-up young. I’m sure this isn’t the first time that someone’s told Bratz that she’s no Lindsay Lohan, but in most other contexts that would be a compliment. Not here.
– I will never make it through all of the ONTD comments re: Reese Witherspoon, so I’m just going to switch over to the Jennifer Lawrence hair post. I like it.
– Mirabella can’t tell that her father has a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT VOICE on the phone, but again, I don’t know why I’m even looking for logic here.
– Heartfelt speech portion of the night: Harper and Fiance, whose name is Marco but which I keep hearing as Margo.
– Harper and (B)ryan are back in love, which is a lot easier when one of you is suddenly young and beautiful, I suppose. Also, Ryan is old again.
– Mirabella and Marco/Margo are singing a reprise of the terrible original song they sang earlier, I Do/ Me Too. I will have this song at my wedding if the following conditions are met: someone pays me $100,000 to do so and I have also become deaf by that time.
– Amanda is here. Deus ex personal assistant.
– Judging by the commercials, the main viewer demographic of Lovestruck: The Musical is women with UTIs. Sounds about right.
– I’m looking at the tv listings to decide what show I should fall asleep to tonight, and realized that my standards for TV Shows To Fall Asleep To are so exacting that it should be its own post. However, I noticed that Lovestruck: The Musical is on again right after this. Woo hoo!! Who’s ready to do this all over again right away???
– Mira and Margo get married. Everyone sings Everlasting Love. Then there’s a reprise of DJ’s Got Us Falling In Love Again over the credits. They make us watch scenes of things that happened in those two hours we just sat through, in case we weren’t ready to let ourselves forget yet. The lyrics “keep downing drinks” come up, and seriously, ABC Family? I don’t mind if I do.
Happy Oscar night! So glad you came to join us. Please refresh the page every five minutes or so because WordPress doesn’t allow realtime liveblogging.
M: Welcome to the Cookies + Sangria 2013 liveblog! We’re watching the preshow on E because we… watch preshows on E. Also my family is here right now, so I may include their commentary but it would probably be too painful for all of us (read: my father has already called Reese Witherspoon fat). However, my sister-in-law just suggested that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host everything so… we might be okay.
M: Molly’s Sister-in-Law Commentary: Jennifer Lawrence’s smiling face and Jennifer Lawrence’s straight face look like two entirely different people.
Molly’s Brother Commentary: The E! Preshow is like mean girls in high school. To everyone’s face they’re like “oh my god you look amazing!” and then to their friends the next day it’s all (whispering) “did you see her DRESS?!” Also, Jennifer Lawrence has the voice of a 38-year-old.
T: I love when I forget that TV people are in movies. i.e. Bryan Cranston was in Argo. Also, I haven’t seen Argo, so that’s probably why.
T: Sally Field in a red gown and I literally just said “Va-va-VOOM” to myself. what.
M: Jennifer Lawrence looks amazing! I mean I can only see the very top of her dress but I’m pretty sure. Early warning, my “w” key is sticking a bit so that may get messy later.
T: wait… what just happened with JLaw at the mani cam??? She literally looked into the tiny camera and said, “Your ass is mine, Stone” (to Emma Stone) I LOVE HER SO MUCH.
M: I didn’t catch the context of that either but are they friends? I love that and want to be friends with them. I mean they could blog with us. I mean we’d let them.
T: I’d let J Law and Emma do whatever they wanted with me (take that however you want).
M: For those of you who aren’t around people who change the channel during the commercial break, ESPN just presented the “jeers of January,” the #1 being this guy who cleaned his sweaty arms/pits with a towel and tossed it to his teammate, who wiped his face with it. This is why I don’t do sports.
M: Sister-in-law commentary: the woman to Jennifer Hudson’s left looks like J.Hud if things had gone the other way
T: LOL re: J Hud’s guest. I believe that’s her sister.
M: My family is formulating theories for why actors are so short. They think they were the extroverted people who weren’t cut out for sports. I mean probably. (Source: Am tiny and unathletic; did theater).
T: What a tender moment between Dustin Hoffman and Sally Field. I play this game in my head called, ‘what movie were these two actors in together?’ I lost that particular round.
M: We just convinced my dad that Joseph Gordon Levitt and Sally Field are married. Are they married? Or just together for interviews? Also my dad just asked if Charlize Theron has come out of the closet yet. I don’t know if I can do this.
T: Melissa McCarthy is rocking some TEXAS sized hair tonight. I still think she’s the best. Tami Taylor would be proud.
M: Quvanzhane Wallis is actually walking down the carpet underneath J.Law’s giant dress-flounce (that’s why we haven’t seen her yet).
M: My dad: What if Tom Cruise had to present to Katie Holmes at one of these shows?
Me: I … don’t think Katie Holmes will be winning an award at one of these shows.
T: Anytime Ryan interviews an Idol alum on the red carpet, I feel like he’s thinking ‘I am proud, but also am partly responsible for your success.’ Also, remember how Jennifer Hudson has an Oscar??
M: Kimora Lee Simmons exists outside of ANTM in 2005? Okay, I guess. Also my sister in law just said she’s only like 36 or something. Is that close to true?
T: Helen Hunt is wearing H&M. And also $700,000 worth of jewels. So I mean that equals out, I guess.
M: I think I have a weird crush on Christoph Waltz. Does anyone know if he’s straight? This is all very hypothetical anyway, my relationship with Christoph Waltz.
T: Is anyone else distracted by these Japanese reporters next to Ryan? I feel like they’re going to do the little azn giggle thing any time a big star comes over to talk to them.
M: Anne Hathaway… early 2000s prom dress? She looks pretty, though.
T: Anne’s dress, in addition to looking like a prom dress, is reminiscent of Gwyneth Paltrow’s in 1999. Also, the dress has its own wikipedia page.
M: Anne Hathaway is wearing Prada/ (Insert Devil Wears Prada ref)
M: I don’t understand Naomi Watts’s neckline, because I think I’d need an engineering degree to do that. Charlize Theron just collided with the actor-wrangler. Or some woman with a badge and sunglasses.
T: If I cut my hair like Charlize, I’d look like one of her prisonmates in Monster. Charlize looks like an angel.
M: I’d look like a 7-year-old boy. I mean more than I do already.
T: BTW, for an insider’s perspective (someone who lives in LA), the intersection of Hollywood and Highland is one that I pass by every day to get to work. Here’s a photo I took on Monday, when they shut down a block of Hollywood Blvd. While I still think it’s awesome that the Oscars are literally happening minutes away from me right now, it’s annoying since I had to take a whole different route to work today. #FirstWorldLAProblems.
T: GLORIA COOPER. YOU ROCK THAT PINK FEATHERED SHAWL.
M: Did Bradley Cooper bring his mother? I love him and I think she’d make a great mother-in-law to anybody who is me.
M: Who is that person on E wearing the polka dotted gown thing? Is it made of vinyl? I hate it.
T: That person on E! also just said “side boobies”
M: Also,” half-boob”? Isn’t that just cleavage? Like, low cleavage?
T: E is currently scrolling the Governor’s Ball menu on their chyron right now and it is literally making my mouth water. I should probably eat something.
M: I think Jessica Chastain got it right this time! I need to see the dress again. I hope so. She’s one of those celebs I technically don’t know much about but I just really irrationally think she’s probably a fantastic person.
T: Why are we watching the Vanity Fair red carpet right now? Like there aren’t any celebrities at the Oscars red carpet right now to interview?? I mean Leslie and Judd look great and all, but I want to see Jennifer Aniston again.
M: Yes, we all love Maude Apatow’s parents (as they’ll probably be known in like 20 years) but I agree.
T: J Hud’s stylist… I kind of would watch a reality show about your life.
M: While I like Anne Hathaway, I’d like to make a special shoutout to the person who found our blog today by Googling “anne hathaway stinks and she can’t sing and she is ugly.” Thanks for dropping in!
T: omg LOL at that Anne Hathaway Google search
M: Right? I wonder if it was a 12 year old or an adult with a lot of feelings about Anne Hathaway. Maybe that ex-fiancé of hers who was busted for being a shyster
T: hahaha the latter, I assume
T: Legit going to switch over to ABC if they don’t go back to Ryan right now. Why are we watching still shots of Nicole Kidman?!
M: We just watched like 10 minutes of very marginally famous ladies talking about people’s dresses. Come on. That’s what we’re going to watch TOMORROW. Did ABC buy the rights to airing everything worth watching after 7:30EST?
T: I snuck over to ABC. I’m not going to lie. The Oscar Experience College Search winners are on – aka the college kids handing out the awards to the presenters tonight. And the AZN girl is a student at Emerson. what upppp!
M: Meanwhile on E, we are looking at still photos of the Garner-Afflecks. Clearly taken from afar by a wide-angle lens. Apparently they look like “any family, out on the town!” The only reason I can’t confirm/deny is that my family avoids going out on “the town,” at least as a unit.
T:… Did G just talk about Ben Affleck’s beard tweeting her. WHAT IS GOING ON.
M: Did all of their on-carpet camera people DIE OH MY GOD WHAT IS E NOT TELLING US?!
T: Conspiracy theory: Sasha Baron Cohen came back as The Dictator and instead of white powder, he poured anthrax on Ryan on the red carpet.
M: Everybody stop contemplating how much exercise Jane Fonda does and what kind. First of all, it’s all in her videos and second of all bitch has straight-up plastic surge (not judging, can’t afford it anyway).
T: Meanwhile on ABC, Hugh Jackman lifted Kristin Chenoweth in one arm and his wife in the other. And Kelly Rowland left Beyonce at home and interviewed smokeshow Chris Evans in an awkward fashion. Still better than Jane Fonda exercise commentary.
M: This E! Commentary is like watching the Oscars in a room full of people who happen to be in the urgent care waiting room when you are, or something. They are no more funny or interesting than the general population.
T: Vanity Fair just tweeted that E!’s cameras were kicked off the red carpet. Can’t tell if that’s frreal or not. My assumption is that actually might be true. Somewhere, the producers are yelling their brains out.
M: That is the only thing that makes sense right now. This is painful. Well. Sandra Bullock is so pretty but I wish she’d bring her adorable baby everywhere as an accessory. A lot of babies aren’t cute (just being real) but that one … Also, sometime I’m going to post sexist movie commentary of my dad’s that I’ve collected, but he’s pretty bad with red carpet events too, apparently. Salma Hayek? “Not that pretty.”
T: There is a one shot on ABC of Jennifer Aniston being interviewed and Adele in the back. I die. (we switched to ABC because frankly, there’s only so much fashion commentary from Kelly Osbourne one can take.)
M: Aniston! Love her. Wish her hair was less plain than it always is. I’m not saying she should bring back the Rachel but oh my goodness, what would we all do if she brought back the Rachel?
T: I would like to be BFFs with Cheno and Jennifer Garner. Also, Cheno is doing a fab job, is there anything she can’t do? Really.
M: Little known fact: Cheno is ¼ English, ½ German, and ¼ Pixie. And she’s singing tonight!! I didn’t know that before, but yay!
T: I think Halle Berry is wearing a very similar dress to Norah Jones. Oops.
M: Halle Berry wanted to “go as a Bond girl” to the Oscars, but she accidentally went as my grammy, in the early 90s, on one of her Vegas trips. Whoopsie!
T: OH MY GOD Cheno standing next to Adele is insane. Adele is 5’9” and Cheno is like 4’9”. DEAD.
M: Which of George Clooney’s lady friends is this one? I never bother to tell them apart.
T: Stacy Kiebler. I remember this because her name is a cookie.
M: The audio between this interview and a Cheno one is overlapping. Cheno’s great grandfather was an elf, by the by. And I freakin LOVED those Keebler E.L. Fudge cookies.
T: BREAKING NEWS: WHILE WE WERE WATCHING 30 EXTRA UNNECESSARY MINUTES OF FASHION COMMENTARY ON E!, AARON PAUL FROM BREAKING BAD GOT MARRIED. SAD YET HAPPY DAY FOR ALL.
M: I don’t watch Breaking Bad but I’m familiar with Aaron Paul from liking how he looks.
T: Just realized that Bryan Cranston didn’t go to his wedding. oh well.
T: BTW, Seacrest made his way into the fashion studio across the street, so he def got kicked off the red carpet. Well, props to him, because seriously, he is the best interviewer on the red carpet. Love that man.
M: I’m betting the Fashion Police commentary will be extra-angry tomorrow since everyone’s feeling all jilted. Everything Cheno says tonight sounds like the spoken lines from “Popular” in Wicked. Please tweet us at @CookiesSangria if you know what E did to get kicked off!
T: FYI, it is NOT cold in Los Angeles right now. I’m looking at you Anne Hathaway.
T: Everytime I see Jamie Foxx’s daughter, she is STUNNING. Also, he was hitting on Kelly Rowland and they had to awkwardly cut away.
M: For real, Foxx’s daughter is so pretty! I remember that she at an Awards show with him back in the Ray era and she was like 10. I’m old.
T: Kristen Stewart was on crutches? Is that why she was shaking like a meth addict?
M: It could have been meth, I don’t really know what she’s into.
T: LEMON FACE! I mean Renee Zellweger. What happened to you?
M: Is Renee Zellwegger relevant? I mean other than to her family and friends and, you know, the universe as a whole in a general “no man is an island” sense?
M: Queen Latifah! I love her so much. I was in an airport in France, and my friend said “Queen Latifah just walked by!” but I heard it as “Queen Latifah just died!” so I said “NO! I LOVE Queen Latifah!” really, really loud, and the Queen looked at me. Then my friend talked to her and I stood there. She’s really pretty. She was with who I assume to be her ladyfriend. And I don’t mean that in the sense that Traci here is my lady/friend.
T: Queen La looks like she’s heading to her wedding. A lesbian wedding. Yeah I said it.
T: Whoa. The stage is what I want my wedding to look like. Also, RDJ is not impressed with Seth MacFarlane.
T: For the record, I don’t like Family Guy, and frankly I find Seth to be a little annoying. I did like Ted though. So let’s hope he’s not douchey tonight.
M: So far, I’m happy/surprised that MacFarlane’s tone hasn’t been too mean/negative, which I was expecting. But you know, I’ll really never be happy until Amy Poehler is hosting everything. EVERYTHING. From the Oscars to the Nobel prize to that second-cousin’s bridal shower I don’t want to go to.
T: Good lord, that guy LOOKS like a Coppola.
M: Ohh okay. I’m one of those people who will joke about anything/everything with friends of mine, but public domestic violence jokes? Just not awesome.
T: Ok, legit just LOLed at the Jodie Foster joke. Freaking Jodie Foster’s speech was the worst.
M: I read a transcript of Jodie Foster’s speech but I’d have had better luck interpreting hieroglyphics or the cursive chapter introductions of BabySitters Club Super-Specials.
T: Not even 10 minutes in and the weird William Shatner/Star Trek segment adresses the lack of Tina and Amy.
M: Are all of the actresses’ eyerolls in this “I Saw Your Boobs” song part of a bit, or does the whole world hate Seth MacFarlane? My upper lip is curling in disgust involuntarily. I don’t think boob humor is too crass. I just hate when things aren’t funny.
T: I AM SO CONFUSED AS TO WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Seth just went from
singing to a song about boobs to singing The Way You look Tonight with a ballroom dance including two hot actors. I get the whole bit but this is stupid.
M: Channing Tatum is dancing sooo I … guess I don’t care whether this is funny right now (it’s still not, though).
M: Star Trek references will never be part of my interest set. Sometimes people on Facebook repost things from that nice-seeming Asian man but… that’s about as far as it will ever go with me. What the shit are these sock puppets? And Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon Levitt. I hate MacFarlane for being terrible, then putting beautiful people on the stage to sing and dance so I stop being mad. That’s a terrible trick.
T: SETH you are ruining this amazing song and dance number by JGL and Harry Potter. (Just expect me to be annoyed at Seth, moving forward).
M: I’m looking up some more outfits online. Looks like Q… Wallis had another puppy purse. I’m glad she sticks with what works for her, like Anna Wintour with her haircut, but I sort of hoped she’d really go for it. Cat purse or something. Elephant purse maybe. Oh ALSO the internet said she was just cast as Annie which is terrible news because that means I wasn’t cast as Annie. Have they SEEN me?! I guess she’s a fine second choice.
M: I love Octavia Spencer! Also she and J.Chastain are one of the cutest celeb friendships, from what little I’ve seen. Oh hey – first category! Best supporting actor. I saw everything here but The Master, but I’d like PSH to win, because Rochester.
T: Listen, I haven’t seen Django, but I did see Christoph host SNL and that was surprisingly hysterical.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTORChristoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Robert DeNiro, Silver Linings Playbook
Alan Arkin, Argo
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln
Traci’s prediction: Christoph Waltz Molly’s prediction: Alan Arkin Winner: Christoph Waltz
M: My boy!! Kind of. I only decided to have a crush on him about an hour ago.
T: Jack Nicholson is in the audience and the first shot of him is looking mighty confused. Sounds about right.
T: Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy’s intro was better than the entirety of Seth’s monologue. Well, most of it at least.
M: Animated short film. Well, 17 minutes in and we’re already to the “shit I don’t care about” segment. The segment being about ¾ of the program. I guess I wanted the Maggie Simpson one to win to the extent I wanted any of these to win. I’m sure they’re all lovely.
T: Yes, you WERK that kilt, guy from Brave. Is the woman with him also dressed up like a character from the movie, or is that real life?
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Frankenweenie
The Pirates
Wreck-It Ralph
Paranorman
Brave
M: The people from Brave appeared in costume, I guess. The man is dressed as a disgruntled boy whose mom made him do Irish dance (read: my brother in 1990), and the woman is dressed as a person who got lost on her way back from a Civil War reenactment.
M: They are now announcing best picture nominees, starting with Les Miserables. All of my feelings and Traci’s feelings about this movie are in our liveblog.They’re doing this weird. They’ve moved on to Life of Pi.
Life of Pi
Molly’s take: I tried to read this book and failed like three times. That never happens to me. This is the first time I’ve ever said this about a book-to-film adaptation, but I really do think this story works better as a movie than a book.
Traci’s take: Boy on a raft with tiger?
And then, straight to Beasts of the Southern Wild? Eh, at least maybe they’ll cut some run time this way.
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Molly’s take: I really really liked this. The performances were incredible and there were weird non-literal special effects (beasts. In the Southern Wild), which I liked — usually I don’t care for that kind of thing. Don’t think it has much of a shot, to be quite honest.
Traci’s take: I watched this on Friday night. Qua.. (Q, I call her), was absolutely fantastic in this movie. Overall I liked it, didn’t love it, but don’t think it’s going to win either.
M: MacFarlane just said Quvenzhane wrong. No, just kidding. There’s no way to say Quvenzhane wrong. BTW girl is living my nine-year-old dreams and is so adorable I almost teared up a little. You know, I spelled Quvenzhane wrong and Google docs actually recognized it and angry red underlined it. Meanwhile, my last name is something like the eighth most common surname in Ireland and Google Docs is always like, wait… you made a mistake there, right?
T: Oh good lord that George Clooney joke was second hand embarrassment to the max.
T: Did I just have a stroke, or did I not understand anything the Avengers just said?
M: No, I didn’t even understand the name of this category. I take it Life of Pi just won for something technical or… okay, cinematography. That’s fair. It was very pretty. The cinematographer has a soft-looking long white mane that I would like to weave into some sort of a crown braid.
T: This guy might just be waking up from his quaalude trip from 1967. But I mean, congrats.
M: They’re doing visual effects which is probably important to some people. But I think all of those people are there, because they’re nominated, so it’s okay to take a bathroom break or get some tea right now.
T: I’m using this time during the awards I don’t care about to check Instagram. I just found out that Aaron Paul IS NOT married. It was his fiancee’s bridal shower. False alarm folks.
M: They may be cutting into this speech with the Jaws theme. That is the most aggressive overtime music I’ve ever seen. They should start pulling the long-winded winners off with a giant crook, vaudeville, style.
T: I thought it was the Jaws theme too!!! Did you guys see the look on Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s faces!! This is so embar.
M: I will never get used to seeing Keith Urban at Hollywood events. Or Nicole Kidman at country music events.
T: Channing is doing his best acting work right now. In related news: DILF. And if you win for something like costume design, you better be wearing an amazing out of this world dress. Can’t say that for this woman.However, she wins for best speech so far.
M: The top of that dress looks like a cozy sweater I’d wear on a day when I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be leaving my office very much. Also I forgot to pay attention during her speech, I’ve really got to be better about that.
T: THE MAKEUP AND HAIR CHICK IS WEARING PINK LEGGINGS. ATTENTION. PINK LEGGINGS.
M: Ohh no. The outfit on the makeup lady for Les Miserables. Is she dressed as a consumptive prostitute because that is the only excuse. She looks like when tweenage girls over-accessorize and wear a bunch of sparkly shit because they like it and don’t know better.
T: Work, Halle. Is this when Adele sings? I’m listening.
M: I didn’t see Skyfall because I have a personal policy of not watching movies that are going to bore me.
T: I actually can’t even recall if I’ve ever seen a Bond movie.
M: Pretty sure I never have. I could make up a nice-sounding reason that had to do with violence and misogyny, which I’m sure is in there, but it’s honestly because they look boring to me. But I have seen Austin Powers, which is probably the same thing but funny.
T: Yeah, I’ve seen Charlie’s Angels, so that’s the same too.
M: Who is this bitch who’s not Adele? The lyrics to this song are so bad and generically Bond-y that I think she’s just making them up on the spot. “Gold” “He loves Gold” “Pretty Girl”. And then a lot of sassy arm movements.
T: Man, Shirley Bassey is bringing the DRA-MA.”HE LOVES GOLD”
M: Evidently the Bond films are about a man who enjoys gold. The audience is considerably more impressed than I am.
T: Hey, wasn’t there a guy on Austin Powers in Goldfinger that kept saying “I love gooooolld”? That’s Shirl Bassey right now.
M: That’s probably what Austin Powers was referencing. Leave it to me to watch a parody of something that I’ve never even seen. Anyway, nice work, Shirl. She really made me feel how much this man enjoys gold.
T: I don’t watch Scandal, I hear it’s good. But that commercial just made me want to watch the shit out of it.
M: Kerry Washington looks like Oscars Barbie, right? Also I was so blinded by Jamie Foxx’s pretty child earlier that I didn’t notice his sparkly bow tie.
Actually Shawn Christensen.
T: Shawn Christensen, the winner of the live action short film is ADORABLE. What is this accent? He looks like he could be the frontman of an emo band from 2004.
M: Yes. Like he’d have been in a band that Seth Cohen listened to. He’s precious. All right, best picture nominees again: Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty.
Argo
Molly’s take: Loved everything about this. Wish Affleck were nominated for Best Director. My favorite part was the whole movie and my second-favorite part was during the credits when they showed the split-screen of the locations/people in the movie vs real life. They weren’t playing it up. The 70s seriously looked like that.
Traci’s take: Ben Affleck is getting this award and I’m hoping to God he’s going to tell the Academy to SUCK IT.
Lincoln
Molly’s take: I mean the following in the least self-deprecating way possible: I don’t think I was smart enough for this. But how much do you want to have a folksy 19th century politician to tell you funny, apt anecdotes? I wish Daniel Day Lewis as Abe Lincoln was my friend or uncle. I have never heard anything quite like that accent of his, for the record.
Traci’s take: I saw this with my parents and didn’t really want to go in the first place. But I mean it was well done, and the acting was good, but I think I fell asleep for part of it. Just hand Dan Lewis the Oscar already.
Zero Dark Thirty
Molly’s take: This film was fairly long, but my mind didn’t wander once during it. Why wasn’t Kathryn Bigelow nominated, again? Also: Andy Dwyer as a Navy Seal. Yes, please.
Traci’s take: So I’ve only seen four out of the five best picture movies, so expect half-assed commentary. I wanted to watch this movie, specifically because of Andy Dwyer. I mean – HELLO.
T: I thought there was going to be a JLo joke in there and a quick cutaway to the Affleck-Garners. Thank God I was wrong.
M: You’d think I’d be really jazzed about Best Documentary Feature because cerebral foreign documentaries are the ONLY thing that Netflicks thinks I know how to love, but no. Haven’t seen any of these. Molly fact of the day: the gent who directed the terrible stranger danger film I was in as a kiddo was nominated for Best Documentary. Not for the stranger danger film. Sat next to Anjelica Houston. Ohh shit. Jaws music again.
T: So the producers are just using Seth every second possible, right? Do we really need to know what’s coming up in the next segment? I swear, he’s getting more screen time than Amy and Tina did at the Globes. To quote Kenan Thompson on SNL, What’s Up With That?
BEST FOREIGN FEATURE
Amour
No
Rebelle (War Witch)
A Royal Affair
Contiki
M: Amour was, I suppose, technically a very good movie but it was so ridiculously sad that I can’t recommend watching it if you’re the kind of human who has feelings. Let’s just stop and notice how really good Emmanuelle Riva looks for whatever her age is.
T: Seth stayed away from making fun of John Travolta, because, well, the Scientologists would be after him in a heartbeat.
T: AARON TVEIT!! Ok, yes I got excited about him during our Les Mis live blog too, but whatever, he is WORTH IT.
M. YES YES AARON TVIET It’s like I’m so happy that I almost didn’t notice the ridic French accent Travolta used when he said Les Miserables (Xenu forgive me).
T: Hi, Chicago was released TEN YEARS ago. TEN.
M: Okay, that’s why Zellwegger’s here. TEN YEARS. Is Catherine Z-J’s dress see-through? I’m confused by it.
T: Oh hey So You Think You Can Dance alums, I see you.
M: Did Z-J just pull a Beyonce – Inauguration (lip sync) or a Beyonce – Halftime Show (live performance)?
T: Pretty sure she did. I hope she gets a lot of shit from this, and tries to sing the national anthem at a press conference before she performs at the Super Bowl. Oh JK she can’t do that because she’s Catherine Zeta-Jones, not Beyonce.
T: Shut it all down, J Hud blew everyone at the Oscars away. Does she know she can’t win another award for this?
M: I don’t know whether I should be like, “DAMN – listen to Jennifer Hudson” or “DAMN – look at Jennifer Hudson.” Either way. Damn, girl.
T: OH GREAT, Russell Crowe is following Jennifer Hudson. HAHAHAHA. Best of luck, mate.
M: Is it too late for him to just not? I guess so. Ohh and he’s doing “Suddenly?” Nahh, bud.
T: AMANDA LOOKS AMAZING. And Samantha Barks’ waist STILL looks CGI-ed!!!
M: SAMANTHA BARKS WAIST SAMANTHA BARKS WAIST. I knew we’d get that one into another post.
T: I LEGIT JUST STOOD UP AND SCREAMED “AARON TVEIT, AARON TVEIT, AARON TVEIT”
Why is Russell Crowe’s mic up higher than everyone else’s???? Sasha Baron Cohen is OVER it.
M: If I could take my eyes off the screen I’d search for a gif of Ron Swanson reacting to Lil Sebastian at the Harvest Festival, because that is my face right now. Also I think that’s to get his mic farther from his voice area.
T: I don’t think this is the gif you’re looking for, but I’d like to imagine you making this Swanson face.
M: I wish I had thought to do that with my face, but I was thinking of the giddy smile/laugh when he first saw Lil S.
T: Ted. Oh Ted. He’s the only one who can pronounce Les Miserables wrong and get away with it. Also, Hugh looked confused and astonished that they won. Can Ted say “AHHgo” all the time please.
M: A tie? That’s got to be fake.
T: How do ties effect at home awards ballots?!? But really, when was the last time there was a tie at the Oscars? And is it a pre req to have long hair and an indistinguishable Scandinavian accent if you’re a sound mixer?
M: So many people vote, ties just seem really improbable. I don’t know much about sound editing, but I think that both of the male winners look like what I’d expect a sound editor to look like – middle aged Caucasian men with scraggly long blondish hair. Ohh except the second one has some kind of fancy dangly earring.
T: OH MY GOD A SOUND OF MUSIC REFERENCE. THIS IS ACTUALLY THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN.
M: If Seth keeps making movie-musical refs I could be persuaded to change my feelings about him.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Amy Adams, The Master
Traci’s prediction: Anne Hathaway Molly’s prediction: Anne Hathaway. Sally Field. No… yeah. Sally Field. Winner: Anne Hathaway
M: Anne Hathaway Ugly Cry. Damn. That settles it: Sorry, Claire Danes, Anne Hathaway is THE ultimate ugly crier, ending our Cookies + Sangria Ugly Cry Showdown… for now.
T: It’s just so unfortunate that she has to accept her first Oscar in this nip dress. It’s fucking distracting.
M: I liked when Cheno subtly complimented Hathaway on how her hair was growing out tonight. Subtext: “So… you ARE growing your hair out, right?”
T: How many times did she rehearse this speech? She memorized all those names like they were her bitch. Did she just shout out to prostitutes?? And are 1920s movie girls handing out snacks?
M: I hoped she’d say something more exciting during the speech – sometimes she says fantastic things, really, like when she shot down Matt Lauer re: her weight loss and wardrobe malfunction, quite beautifully – skip to 1:10 or so. She legit spun the prostitute thing really well. And I want a 1920s movie girl to bring me popcorn. WTF.
T: If I was at a party, I would be getting up from my seat and grabbing more guac and white wine during the President’s speech. instead, I’m at work and getting more water from the water cooler. #YouJeal
T: Ugh, J Law looks like a DREAM. From one flawless woman to another.
M: Watching Jennifer Lawrence cut to Adele just broke my self-esteem. The thing with this Skyfall song is I think we’re almost at the end of it and I still have no CLUE whether or not James Bond likes/dislikes gold.
T: Is that the LA Gay Men’s Chorus backing up Adele? Because that would be perfect. Excuse me, why is there no standing O for Adele? Is it because she didn’t sing about gold? Fuckery.
M: I hope it’s because the entire audience is just stunned into inaction.
T: Christoph Waltz sits casually with his Oscar laying in his lap. Like a fucking boss.
M: Okay, another batch of best pic nominees.
T: Oh yes, internet you have not failed me. Really hoping someone would post a gif of Sandy Bullock trying to open the envelope, and here it is.
Silver Linings Playbook:
Molly’s take: This is a movie I could watch again and again, like Titanic when I was 11. Also, nearly everyone I know who has seen this loved it, which almost never happens. Definite dark horse material.
Traci’s take: I went to the theater not really knowing what the movie was about, but didn’t care because I heard it was really good and J Law + Bradley Cooper were in it. Fortunately, the good reviews proved to be on point, because I loved it. As soon as it ended, I wanted to see it again. If Argo doesn’t take home Best Picture, this will.
Django Unchained
Molly’s take: I expected to really dislike Django Unchained but actually… I hated Django Unchained. Like Traci, Tarantino flicks are one of my pop culture blind spots, with good reason. I know the violence is supposed to be sort of winking/tongue in cheek, but it just doesn’t appeal to me. I will say that it was an excellent story and well-made film. For someone else to see.
Traci’s take: See Pop culture blind spots above: I don’t dig Django.
Amour
Molly’s take: I guess you should watch this if you are not depressed but wish you were. Listen, I already knew one smart, elderly Francophone lady who deteriorated really quickly and died slowly, and that was my grandma. Sorry, Emmanuelle Riva, you were excellent, but this was really bleak.
Traci’s take: Everytime I see the movie poster for Amour, I think it’s the old couple from Titanic. Is that not what this movie is?
T: The Harry Potter theme plays while Dan Radcliffe comes on to present, while Kristen Stewart is awkwardly hobbling on to the stage like Mad Eye Moody, confirming the fact that Harry Potter is better than Twilight. Well, everything is better than Twilight.
M: Kristen Stewart looks high and like she was just napping or doin it backstage. I half think she should just grow up and stop being awkward already and half think “you know what? You do you, Twilight.” I just realized that when Dan Radcliffe starts visibly aging, like obviously wrinkling and balding, I’m probably not going to take that well.
M: Pet peeve: when people clap during the in memorium, leading to thunderous applause for the really famous people and quiet slow-claps for less famous people. I’m wondering if they told everyone to be quiet this time, because I’m only hearing a few here and there. Ugh. Disrespectful.
T: This is my annoyance too! I might be making this up, but I think there was one year where the host or presenter, whoever asked the audience to hold their applause until the end of the montage.
M: I think you’re right. Hopefully that ended it forever. It’s like at graduations where some people get tons of applause and some people get nothing even though everyone earned the same degree, except worse.
T: Come to think of it, maybe I was thinking about graduation, and not the Oscars. I get the two confused.
M: Like the Oscars, our high school graduation was a lot of overly-long speeches, people I had never heard of getting awards, and Traci and I making snarky comments throughout (alphabetical neighbors, remember?).
T: It’s the only way I think I got through that graduation ceremony. And high school, really.
T: Is Barbra trying to make extensions work right now? Also, I can’t with this. With her.
M: Any of this. Also, I hate when people do slow, semi-rhythmic talking intros to songs with the music playing. It’s even worse when there’s a talk break in the middle of a song though. I just get embarrassed for the person. Even if that person is Barbra Streisand. GOD. She just did it. “Of course we would.”
T: There are only two types of people who do the semi-rhythmic talking intros: 1970s singing legends like Babs, and the only bass singer in R&B groups from the 1990s. And it’s still not okay.
T: They’re playing My Heart Will Go On, and it’s the one time I don’t want to slam my remote into the TV.
M: Look, Queen Latifah just came out! On to the stage. Come on, Q. Really.
T: Lady Mary was in Anna Karenina?? I should put that in my queue. Also, was Chicago that iconic of a movie that the Academy needed to celebrate its 10th anniversary? Don’t get me wrong, it was good, but, really?
M: I didn’t think Chicago was that big a thing, either. And we were teenagers into musical theater at the time, even. The score to Lincoln just sounded like the score to Little Women crossed with the score to Glory to me. I think there’s a standard 1860s songbook everyone’s working from. And I can NOT with this song with the lyrics “I don’t want to die alone… I don’t want to die alone… way before my time.” Is the title to that song “Things That Keep Me Up At Night When I Have To Wake Up Early The Next Day,” because probably. Things to also file under that title: It is 11:15 and I don’t see how this can end on time.
T: They should have brought Ted back to do a dance number with Norah Jones for this song. I. fucking. love. Adele.
M: Evidently I did a prediction for best original screenplay but not adapted. Adapted is up. I don’t know. Silver Linings Playbook? Or, actually it was Argo. That’s good too.
T: I was going to say Silver Linings too, but yeah, Argo. This guy is cute because he’s genuinely surprised and honored to get the award. WTG.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Flight
Zero Dark Thirty
Django Unchained
Amour
Moonrise Kingdom
Traci’s prediction: Zero Dark Thirty Molly’s prediction: Django Unchained Winner: Django Unchained
T: I dislike Tarantino almost as much as I dislike Tarantino films. I mean the man said, ‘Peace out.’
M: I think my dog looks how we both feel right now:
I think she just rolled her eyes at me.
T: I will give anything to see Jane Fonda scream out “BEN AFFLECK HAHAHAHAAHA JK ”
M: YES
BEST DIRECTOR
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Traci’s prediction:Steven Spielberg Molly’s prediction: Steven Spielberg Winner: Ang Li
M: Didn’t expect that even a little.
T: Okay, but instead of showing David O. Russell’s face in that box, they showed Emmanuelle Riva from Amour. Also didn’t realize the movie industry loved Ang Li so much.
M: I just realized that I know nothing about Ang Li as a person but I have the same irrational feelings of goodwill toward him as I do to Jessica Chastain. Weird. I’d never really thought about him before. Someone make a gif of his wife’s face when he said they’d been married 30 years.
M: Okay, I don’t even want to see Quvenzhane’s face at ALL when she (probably) doesn’t win. That’s why it doesn’t seem fair to nominate a little kid. I reacted poorly when I got knocked out in classroom spelling bees.
T: Awww, guys remember Jean DuJardin, and how big of a deal he was??
M: I’m getting knots in my stomach about this one, I swear.
T: I might vomit from nervousness.
BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Traci’s prediction:Jennifer Lawrence Molly’s prediction: Jessifer Lawtain. If I can’t do that… um… God. Jessica Chastain. I suppose. Winner: Jennifer Lawrence
M: Is she okay?? “You guys are just standing up because you feel bad that I fell.” No NO we all love you.
T: THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED. I am legit tearing up. She is the only – THE ONLY – actress that can trip up the stairs and get away with it slash make fun of herself.
M: I just realized that logically I probably shouldn’t like Jennifer Lawrence? Because she’s beautiful and talented and an Oscar winner and several years younger than me, right? Fuck that. Love her.
T: It’s fine. Adele is 24.
BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln
Denzel Washington, Flight
Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Traci’s prediction: Daniel Day Lewis Molly’s prediction: Daniel Day Lewis Winner: Daniel Day Lewis
T: uh, is Meryl so big that she can just name whoever she wants to win the Oscar?
M: Meryl didn’t open an envelope because Meryl is already off-book.
T: Dan Lewis’ got JOKES, y’all.
M: DDL doesn’t laugh at award show hosts because DDL has better material than them. The lipstick kiss on his cheek is adorable/hilarious.
BEST PICTURE
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
Lincoln
Les Miserables
Life of Pi
Amour
Django Unchained
Argo
Traci’s prediction: Argo Molly’s prediction: Argo Winner: EVERYONE because Michelle Obama is presenting. Also, Argo.
T: Glad to see Jack came off of his courtside seat at the Lakers game to join us. Also, I have no idea what you’re saying.
MICHELLE MICHELLE MICHELLE BEST DRESSED MICHELLE BOW DOWN
MICHELLE OBAMA IS THE BILL CLINTON OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS
M: I don’t care how late I just stayed up MICHELLE OBAMA you are everything I want to be. The military folks with her have GIANT ropes on their arm. Like entire spools of rope. I don’t know much about dress uniforms but I think that means they’re good.
T: Again, I haven’t even seen Argo, but I’m on the verge of crying for their win right now.
M: Anybody else getting a little misty out there? Because I sure am. And “work harder than you possibly think you can, don’t hold grudges, and it doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down, what matters is that you get back up” — good advice for any career. Love you, Mr. Affleck.
T: Update: I’m crying.
T: I forgot Cheno was singing, but is anyone still at the theater? JLaw is probs scavenging for food like Katniss.
M: If I were there, I’d be drunk by now.
T: Oh dear God, it’s all falling apart. Thankfully it’s over. See ya Seth. Can’t wait to see Entertainment Weekly’s headline tomorrow.
M: All right everybody, go to bed. It’s already tomorrow.
Come back tomorrow afternoon for our Best/Worst dressed post! Thanks for reading!
There are nine spellers left. NINE. Don’t they know that 
Cookies + Sangria 
