Lovestruck: The Musical: The Liveblog: The WORST

– I am a minute late and have no idea what’s going on, though I don’t think I’ve missed much. I was making tea for the first minute or so. Also, a bowl of fruit with a couple nilla waifers. I ended up with the wafers by accident today: I was shopping with a two-year-old who sneaked them into the cart. I like how casual the name is: ‘nilla. They aren’t bad. But seriously, never let a toddler go free-range at Target. They don’t understand how money works but are very fascinated by everything, like greedy, tiny aliens.

– A 60-ish year old woman is singing Just Dance by Lady Gaga. God, I miss this era of Lady Gaga. Everything was so new and interesting and beautiful then, like falling in love when you still believe in it.

– They keep cutting to a young blonde girl so I think she’s important. Now’s the time to tell you that I’m PRETTY AMAZING with subtleties like this. If there’s a gun on the mantle in the first act, the young pretty blond is the star of the movie by the second minute, that kind of thing.

– The older lady is the young blond’s mom. Didn’t see that coming. I’m already less pretty amazing than I thought. The young blonde is in the show that the mom is.. directing? Choreographing? And the mom isn’t happy because YB wants to move to Europe with the man she loves.

– Some woman (Amanda) who is probably evil because she has dark hair and is wearing all black, finds a vitality tonic. Bingo. Gun on the mantle.

– Mirabella. Mirabella is young blonde’s name. The older woman has already declared “I am your MOTHER!” 8-10 times so I’m pretty sure that’s a bit of a plot point.

– DAMN IT. Old woman is named Harper. That’s my dog’s name. She is going to be freaking.out. for this whole movie. Before you say anything, I named my dog before Posh Spice, Kelly Kapowski, and Doogie Houser named their babies, thanks.

– Italy! Beautiful, beautiful stock footage!

– Harper drank the vitality tonic and became young and attractive. FYI, I’m on IMDB trying to find out if I should know all of these people, but I really shouldn’t, don’t worry. Harper has turned into Chelsea Kane, from such hit films as The Bratz Movie. My friend and I used to dislike the shit out of Bratz in their heyday, in large part due to Baby Bratz. They were all sassy with their short skirts and diapers, and we imagined that they were all saying things like “hey, look’it my tush!” and we were always like “noooo, I really don’t want to look at your tush.” In any event, she’s singing I Want To Dance With Somebody, which is a really fun song at a wedding reception or when you’re driving. I guess when you suddenly become 30 years younger, after the initial shock subsides, you just want to DANCE. Luckily, there are plenty of guys here to dance with, and everyone knows the steps. Harper changes outfits like 5 times during the song.

– Also from IMDB: This movie has fewer than two stars.

– Old Harper is Jane Seymour. Thanks to Dr. Quinn, I never would have recognized her without a calico frock and a 4-foot-long braid. I thought she was making enough cash-money off of those open heart necklaces she’s always schilling that she wouldn’t have to do this sort of thing. I guess she just really, you know, believes in the product.

– Gold tinted stock footage of a beautiful Italian villa, and a building that looks sort of like Chilton from Gilmore Girls.

– Mirabella is played by Sara Paxton, who you may recognize from the cinematic great, You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Christmas Party. I’m familiar. In college, we used to watch You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s School Dance Party while we were getting ready to go out sometimes. BTW, Paxton has a really beautiful head of hair. Enviable.

– Harper is pretending to be Mirabella’s cousin. I can’t wait for the scene where the truth gets revealed and everyone’s feelings are hurt due to all the deception! Because that will mean that this movie is ending. And it’s really quite boring.

– Someone mentions the color puce. Does that remind anyone else of Summer of the Swans, or did I seriously date myself there?

– Harper has texted/ called Amanda, and now Amanda knows what’s up. I have decided that she is Harper’s personal assistant. Also, Amanda glances at a poster of the young Harper to see what her young self looked like. The poster is from a flapper revue. I know that Jane Seymour isn’t supposed to be a spring chicken, but I don’t think she was exactly supposed to be round tabling at the Algonquin and partying in West Egg, right? I am expecting a subplot where she’s actually 120 years old and has been bathing in virgin blood or has a portrait that ages for her in the attic.

– I think Harper is flirting with her daughter’s fiance, but I can’t be positive because I’m too bored to pay much attention. She wants to break them up so Mirabella can be a STAR. She is also wearing a weird, floppy corrugated shirt with a GIANT purple flower. Kinda Georgia O’Keefe-y. Um, does she know what those were supposed to be? And is it supposed to be from her middle-aged wardrobe, or did she go shopping real quick when she got young? I don’t know why I’m looking for logic in a tele-musical about a woman who drinks a special tonic that turns her into a Bratz doll.

This freakin’ shirt. What this picture doesn’t tell you is that it has a weird wavy texture, like someone accordion-folded it because they needed a quick fan and were 7 years old.

– A group of girls, including Harper and Mirabella, are at the pool sharing their losing their virginity stories, because Mirabella doesn’t realize that her mom’s there and I guess other audience members have higher tolerance for secondhand embarrassment than I do. Harper wears a giant sun hat, which is stupid because it’s not like she needs to worry about aging.

– OH. That was all a setup so Mirabella could sing Like A Virgin. That makes sense. I think one of Mirabella’s friends is a Cheetah Girl. Does anyone have receipts on that? They’re all singing and dancing together, which I was expecting — unlike the time I wasn’t POSITIVE that From Justin To Kelly was a musical when Traci, I, and our high school friends went to it. This is not good.

– It’s like they just tried to make a plot around whatever songs they could get the rights to. I honestly think that’s what’s happening. I’m half expecting to hear public domain tunes like Wheels On The Bus if they run out of pop songs.

– Whenever the plot needs to move forward, Amanda calls and gives information. Mirabella is out of the show if she doesn’t come back, and the tonic is from a vaudeville trunk, because of course. I think that’s wrong because vaudeville trunks would just have top-hats, curly mustaches, and those giant canes you use to pull people offstage.

– Back at Chilton, Mira is trying on her wedding dress. At this point, I realize that I should have just tracked down a Mamma Mia DVD if I wanted to see people singing and dancing in Europe during wedding shenanigans.

– Shouldn’t Mirabella be worried that her mom isn’t in the country yet? I’m sure they covered that but like I said, it’s hard to pay attention to something this terrible.

– Harper isn’t a star anymore because she “blew her knee out.” That has got to be the least-romantic career ending injury they could think of. They couldn’t have had her faint off of a bridge or be diagnosed with a delicate heart?

– Harper’s hands and neck are aging. You know what they say, hands and throat always age first, so do to them whatever you do to your face. For me, that would be routinely examining them for more wrinkles and crying about it sometimes.

– There’s a Huggies commercial that uses the phrase “baby in your stomach” in regards to a pregnant woman. HATE. Whenever I hear someone say that, I always think “how’d she eat a whole BABY?”

– Long story short, Mira knows that Harper kissed her fiancee and Harper knows that she knows. Ryan, Mirabella’s dad, is here. I think that they are saying Brian for the first hour, so I don’t think the actors were even paying attention. Or maybe the writers forgot and changed it halfway through. Maybe Ryan is a nickname for Brian.

– Cheetah Girl just said “tequila shooters.” Is shooters vs. shots a geographic thing? Everyone I know calls them shots. Related: call them shooters or call them shots, I will probably need several of them to make it through this movie.

– Mirabella sings her feelings in the woods as her memories play on the screen. This is either an original song, or just an extra-terrible song that I have been blessed to get by without hearing thus far.

– The commercial breaks are going on longer and longer. It is almost as though this movie doesn’t want to come back. It is probably embarrassed.

– I know I should be paying better attention, but I am reading about Reese Witherspoon’s disorderly conduct arrest, which is a string of words I never though I’d type. Evidently, when told to stay in her car, she said that she is a U.S. citizen, and she is allowed to stand on American ground. I don’t know why that makes me LOL so bad but it does. BTW, she looks downcast and introspective in her booking photo, like a 16th century Madonna (sans child. What would Ava, Deacon, and Tennessee think? Tennessee the child AND Tennessee the state).

Dammit, Laura Jeanne.

See? Yeah, that’s right, I took art history once.

– (B)ryan is magically young too, now.

– I think I’ve found our problem. The writer is someone named Jaylynn. That means either (1) She is young enough to be named Jaylynn, so probably under 18, or (2) She is older but voluntarily chose the name Jaylynn as a nom de suck.

– Okay, so. Mirabella still thinks that Fiance kissed Harper, when actually Harper kissed fiance.

– I packed my lunch, loaded some dishes into the dishwasher, put my dog out, and the commercial break is STILL going on. It’s okay, Lovestruck: The Musical. I didn’t want to come back, either.

– Aunt Birdie (oh yeah, there’s an Aunt Birdie) drank the whole bottle of Vaudeville Youth Serum, and is a child. Personally, I would take just an itty-bitty sip of it. Just enough to get me to an hour and a half ago, before I decided to watch this mess.

DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again. You know what’s extra bad about this, other than everything? In the Freaky Friday remake, Lohan really sold the whole adult in a young person’s body thing, but there’s none of that here. Harper is just straight-up young. I’m sure this isn’t the first time that someone’s told Bratz that she’s no Lindsay Lohan, but in most other contexts that would be a compliment. Not here.

– I will never make it through all of the ONTD comments re: Reese Witherspoon, so I’m just going to switch over to the Jennifer Lawrence hair post. I like it.

– Mirabella can’t tell that her father has a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT VOICE on the phone, but again, I don’t know why I’m even looking for logic here.

– Heartfelt speech portion of the night: Harper and Fiance, whose name is Marco but which I keep hearing as Margo.

– Harper and (B)ryan are back in love, which is a lot easier when one of you is suddenly young and beautiful, I suppose. Also, Ryan is old again.

– Mirabella and Marco/Margo are singing a reprise of the terrible original song they sang earlier, I Do/ Me Too. I will have this song at my wedding if the following conditions are met: someone pays me $100,000 to do so and I have also become deaf by that time.

– Amanda is here. Deus ex personal assistant.

– Judging by the commercials, the main viewer demographic of Lovestruck: The Musical is women with UTIs. Sounds about right.

– I’m looking at the tv listings to decide what show I should fall asleep to tonight, and realized that my standards for TV Shows To Fall Asleep To are so exacting that it should be its own post. However, I noticed that Lovestruck: The Musical is on again right after this. Woo hoo!! Who’s ready to do this all over again right away???

– Mira and Margo get married. Everyone sings Everlasting Love. Then there’s a reprise of DJ’s Got Us Falling In Love Again over the credits. They make us watch scenes of things that happened in those two hours we just sat through, in case we weren’t ready to let ourselves forget yet. The lyrics “keep downing drinks” come up, and seriously, ABC Family? I don’t mind if I do.


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