I Am Not A Morning Person

I have never been a morning person. Even as a kid I tended to stay up late way later than I should have, and despite thinking it would be easy to get up the next morning, it never was. Nothing’s really changed over the years, as much as I’ve tried. While we’ve all overslept before, I had somewhat of a nightmare story that includes breaking and entering, crossing state lines, and pushing the speed limit. Here’s an exact guide of what NOT to do if you want to get up on time like a normal human being.

1) Don’t go to sleep late if you need to get up early

Hello Captain Obvious. I mean this goes without saying, but sometimes it’s just so hard to go to sleep, you guys. The internet. Like, the internet is a deep, dark, scary, YouTube filled hole. But if you’re planning on taking a mini road trip to a city four hours away, and you have to be on time in order to make The Office tour in Scranton, Pennsylvania, don’t go to sleep late.

2) Don’t fall asleep with your phone in your hand

So here’s the thing about me: I use an alarm clock and my phone to wake up. Like a DUAL alarm clock, and set four alarms on my cell phone. The alarm clock is more of a warning, it’s almost time for you to get up, so you can keep pressing snooze, mechanism. The cell phone alarms are to actually wake me up. So when it’s imperative that you get up at 6am to take the subway to your friend/roommate’s house so she can drive to Scranton, make sure your phone is properly place don your nightstand, and not hastily on your bed. Because if it is just lying next to you while you’re sleeping, you could accidentally throw it off your bed in a fit of rage during your REM cycle, causing it to crash on the ground with the battery detached from the rest of the phone.

3) Make sure your roommate who’s been living at home still has a key to your apartment

If someone’s that’s meeting you is wondering where you are, but has no way of contacting you because your phone is in bits on the floor, it might be cause for concern. Death? Kidnapping? Ghost scenario and you haven’t been alive after all these years at all? Possibly. If you have a spare key or have a roommate who has a key and is willing to barge into your room to yell at you to wake up because you’re an absolute idiot, that would be ideal.

4) Know how to go from dead to awake in under 5 minutes

Always have an outfit in mind for the next day, especially if you know there will be a lot of photo opportunities. In the case of a late wake up call, you can just throw it on, brush your teeth real quick, and bring your makeup in the car. Also, know how to put on makeup in the car.

5) Make sure your driver friend is willing to disobey speeding laws

Because you’ve been a stupid hoe and totes Britta’d it, your awesome friend now has to make up for lost time. 4 hour driving time to Scranton from Boston? and we have to be there in about 3? No prob. Just speed and keep an eye out for the po-pos.