Kentucky Derby Winner Based on Name Alone

It’s hat fanatics’ favorite holiday on Saturday, that’s right it’s the 141st annual Kentucky Derby, where people dress up and horses race a bit and gamblers lose money. To be honest, I know nothing about the Kentucky Derby. My sports knowledge is limited to begin with, so when it comes to horse racing, it’s pretty much nil. So clearly I have no business giving my opinion on what’s going to happen/who’s going to win the coveted prize (of a… huge wreath?) but I’m going to give you it anyways. Based on science. Actual science. Science called ‘judgement’.

I frankly don’t care who crosses the finish line first, however, I do care about the ridiculous names that jockeys and owners give the horses that could make headlines ’round the world for a first place win. Again, using SCIENCE, here’s who is probably going to win the Kentucky Derby. I’m gonna go put some money on this right now, because that’s how confident I am in my predictions.*

*This is completely bullshit – if you lose money based on my list, pls refer to this.

10) Firing Line

Is Firing Line supposed to be intimidating? Like, if you go up against him, is the threat of death by gun enough to make you go slower in the race?

9) Materiality

In full disclosure, I had to research if ‘materiality’ is a real word or not. Turns out it is. And it means ‘the quality of being relevant or significant’. I feel like just having the quality of being significant isn’t enough. It’s like, believe in yourself, horse. You are Significant. Signif. That’s your new name.

8) American Pharoah

Per our post from Tuesday, you know that we were/are theatre nerds. I was in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and if you’ve never seen it, just know that the Pharoah of Egypt is Elvis. Or like an Elvis wannabe. So although the Pharoah in Joseph is from Egypt, for some reason when I hear the phrase ‘American Pharoah’, I think of Pharoah Elvis from Joesph. Does that make sense? I mean Pharoah Elvis doesn’t make sense, so it’s fine.

7) War Story

Do you think War Story has a secret rivalry with War Horse? Not the movie/play War Horse, Jimmy Fallon’s War Horse.

6) Mubtaahij

Besides the fact I have no idea how to pronounce this horse’s name, I think his chances are higher because of its trainer’s name: Mike de Kock. I’m 12.

5) Mr. Z

Ok, so if War Story ISN’T related to War Horse, there’s gotta be a slight possibility that this horse was either inspired by/owned/trained by Jay Z, which means I’m putting at least a dollar on him winning. Tidal aside, Jay’s got a good streak with business ventures.

4) Keen Ice

This horse just sounds cool, yanno what I mean?

3) Itsaknockout

#Itsaknockout #KentuckyDerbyWinner #ItsACelebrationBitchez#WeDoinShots  #ImGoingToDisneyWorld #EatMyDustMubtaahij

2) Metaboss

Apparently Metaboss can only compete if there’s a defection in the top 20, whatever that means. So basically he really doesn’t have great odds of winning, but honestly, with a name like Metaboss, it’s pretty clear who the real winner is.

1) Ocho Ocho Ocho

Is it because his name is in Spanish? Is it because Ocho is used thrice, because one Ocho wasn’t enough? Is it because I lived on the eighth floor dorm freshman year of college and we called it The Ocho? Is it because I think OCHO OCHO OCHO CROSSES THE FINISH LINE would sound really awesome? Or is it just because I have a gut feeling about him winning? All of the above. Buena suerte Ocho Ocho Ocho! Espero que gana!

Honorable Mentions:

Frosted, International Star, Firespike, Carpe Diem


2 thoughts on “Kentucky Derby Winner Based on Name Alone

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