Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2015: Things That Made Me Say WTF

It’s time for our third annual recap of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, and God, they just keep getting younger.

Segment #1: My Eyeballs Hurt

  • The first segment begins with a series of flashing lights replicating the moment you slip from earth into all that lies beyond. Or, you know, maybe it’s supposed to look like camera flashes.
  • FRINGE IS IN. Magazines, shop windows, and that one coworker have been warning me about this development for months. It’s just that that’s a whole lot of dry clean only.

Behati-Prinsloo

  • It feels like once every 5 or so years, fashion magazines try to tell us that wearing a single dangly earring on purpose is a thing to do. You look at worst like a pirate, and at best like someone who lost an earring. Anyway, Behati Prinsloo can pull it off but that means nothing for the rest of us.
  • Okay, this lighting GENUINELY hurts my eyes. Like when you check your phone in the middle of the night.
  • I was very proud to recognize a Kardashian-Jenner! I know the youngest two by sight but can never tell which is Kylie and which is Kendall. I feel like there’s one we’re meant to like more than the other, right? Also: Kris and Caitlyn Jenner, looking proud.
vs-fashion-show-2015-01

KENDALL.

  • I think I just don’t like fringe.
  • I’m not sure I knew that’s what Ellie Goulding looked like.
  • Someone is wearing Totally Hair Barbie pattern (my personal favorite Barbie, c. 1991).

Behind The Scenes #1: We’re A Rainbow Made Of Children

  • Anyone remember that song? Catholic school thing?
  • In any case, the VS brass tell us that the show is “very global” because there are models from everywhere!
  • It’s like Donald Trump’s nightmare except we know that it’s not.

Segment #2: Angelica! Eliza! And Peggy.

  • The Weeknd has a coat on and the models are in underwear. For the the first of many times, I worry about everyone’s temperature regulation. The curse of being an always-freezing person is that I’m always worried that everyone else is freezing, too. I’ve even started carrying extra gloves and socks to give to homeless people, and I can assure you that they are not that interested and would prefer some money, thanks.
  • The theme of this segment is like a Sexy Schuyler Sister.

2. Kendall Jenner Victorias Secret

  • That is: Maria Reynolds.
  • Apologies to Anne Shirley: these gals are sporting the puffiest of puffed sleeves, too.

Behind The Scenes #2: So It Turns Out Models Like Photographs

  • Now they’re all talking about their favorite hobby, taking selfies. Which is like a chill version of their job.
  • “Instagram is very important to me” – shit beautiful people say.
  • I can’t help but notice all the gorgeous eyebrows. Eyebrows, eyebrows everywhere! All us translucent-colored, faint-eyebrowed folks are just waiting for the pendulum to swing back to small brows – not because you all don’t look great, but because giant eyebrows are physically impossible for us.

Segment #3: Fly Abandonedly Into The Sun

  • I can’t say anything bad about all of these beautiful butterfly wings. And frankly, I don’t even want to know anybody who COULD say anything bad about them. It’s a dark, cold world and dammit, we need more bedazzled butterfly wings.

 

 

  • When I was in Kindergarten, you secured a part in the graduation play by having your parents sign a slip saying what role you wanted. It was first come/first serve. All the girls wanted to be the butterfly.  I said I wanted to be the worm because I knew the butterfly would be taken (and I couldn’t bear being in the chorus). It’s been 24 years and my mother still laments that I graduated kindergarten in a brown jumpsuit. Point is: butterfly wings are great but they aren’t EVERYTHING and sometimes you gotta be the worm.
  •  I mentally referred to some over-the-knee boots as “hip waders” which is probably the most upstate thing I’ve ever done.

Behind The Scenes #3: In Which Shit Gets Real

  • The models explain that they work out seven days a week, sometimes twice a day. Realism! I like that. Also, no thanks, homegirl needs her rest days.
  • Also I’m going to need specifics about what they’re doing, because I assume there’s something I’m supposed to do to my arms that I’m not.
  • Me, when the ladies explain their kick boxing regimens:

beast

Segment #4: The Weeknd Is My Brother

  • “The Weeknd’s like a brother to me, dating my little sister” – a model whose family works differently from mine.
  • What is this theme? There’s a fire fighter, a weird American flag, a cop and an astronaut. Jobs you wanted when you were 7? The Halloween costumes that are left when you go shopping on 10/30?

And Selena Gomez as Hot Holly Golightly.

  • Selena Gomez’s backup dancers are awfully unnecessary, since she has all these backup walkers already.
  • Are these supposed to be like those occupational-themed stripper costumes, and I mean that in a nonjudgmental way?

Behind The Scenes #4: Nobody Gets A Puppy

  • The models get presents, and my first thought is “good God, will there be a puppy in there?”
  • A model has the same thought.
  • There’s no puppy, which is good because I would have stormed out in protest.
  • The models tell us how they like Christmas, and look at old photos of themselves from when they weren’t models, but just humans in photographs.

Segment #5: Some Elsa Looking Stuff

  • A nude mesh and sequin Fair Isle bodysuit – what you’re missing if you didn’t see the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, I guess.

5. Candice Swanepoel Victorias Secret

Behind The Scenes #5: Sweet Sweet Fantasy Baby

  • That’s my second Mariah reference of the post, and you’re welcome.
  • They reveal who will wear the “fantasy bra” – it’s Lily Aldridge, who is of course very pretty and seems nice.

Segment #6: The Lorax

  • Technically, fireworks, but I’m pretty sure it’s The Lorax.

6. Lily Aldridge Victorias Secret

  • Do you think any of these models hate people yelling at them urgently all the time?
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