Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2015: Things That Made Me Say WTF

It’s time for our third annual recap of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, and God, they just keep getting younger.

The first segment begins with a series of flashing lights replicating the moment you slip from earth into all that lies beyond. Or, you know, maybe it’s supposed to look like camera flashes.
FRINGE IS IN. Magazines, shop windows, and that one coworker have been warning me about this development for months. It’s just that that’s a whole lot of dry clean only.

It feels like once every 5 or so years, fashion magazines try to tell us that wearing a single dangly earring on purpose is a thing to do. You look at worst like a pirate, and at best like someone who lost an earring. Anyway, Behati Prinsloo can pull it off but that means nothing for the rest of us.
Okay, this lighting GENUINELY hurts my eyes. Like when you check your phone in the middle of the night.
I was very proud to recognize a Kardashian-Jenner! I know the youngest two by sight but can never tell which is Kylie and which is Kendall. I feel like there’s one we’re meant to like more than the other, right? Also: Kris and Caitlyn Jenner, looking proud.

KENDALL.

I think I just don’t like fringe.
I’m not sure I knew that’s what Ellie Goulding looked like.
Someone is wearing Totally Hair Barbie pattern (my personal favorite Barbie, c. 1991).

Anyone remember that song? Catholic school thing?
In any case, the VS brass tell us that the show is “very global” because there are models from everywhere!
It’s like Donald Trump’s nightmare except we know that it’s not.

The Weeknd has a coat on and the models are in underwear. For the the first of many times, I worry about everyone’s temperature regulation. The curse of being an always-freezing person is that I’m always worried that everyone else is freezing, too. I’ve even started carrying extra gloves and socks to give to homeless people, and I can assure you that they are not that interested and would prefer some money, thanks.
The theme of this segment is like a Sexy Schuyler Sister.

That is: Maria Reynolds.
Apologies to Anne Shirley: these gals are sporting the puffiest of puffed sleeves, too.

Now they’re all talking about their favorite hobby, taking selfies. Which is like a chill version of their job.
“Instagram is very important to me” – shit beautiful people say.
I can’t help but notice all the gorgeous eyebrows. Eyebrows, eyebrows everywhere! All us translucent-colored, faint-eyebrowed folks are just waiting for the pendulum to swing back to small brows – not because you all don’t look great, but because giant eyebrows are physically impossible for us.

I can’t say anything bad about all of these beautiful butterfly wings. And frankly, I don’t even want to know anybody who COULD say anything bad about them. It’s a dark, cold world and dammit, we need more bedazzled butterfly wings.

When I was in Kindergarten, you secured a part in the graduation play by having your parents sign a slip saying what role you wanted. It was first come/first serve. All the girls wanted to be the butterfly. I said I wanted to be the worm because I knew the butterfly would be taken (and I couldn’t bear being in the chorus). It’s been 24 years and my mother still laments that I graduated kindergarten in a brown jumpsuit. Point is: butterfly wings are great but they aren’t EVERYTHING and sometimes you gotta be the worm.
I mentally referred to some over-the-knee boots as “hip waders” which is probably the most upstate thing I’ve ever done.

The models explain that they work out seven days a week, sometimes twice a day. Realism! I like that. Also, no thanks, homegirl needs her rest days.
Also I’m going to need specifics about what they’re doing, because I assume there’s something I’m supposed to do to my arms that I’m not.
Me, when the ladies explain their kick boxing regimens:

“The Weeknd’s like a brother to me, dating my little sister” – a model whose family works differently from mine.
What is this theme? There’s a fire fighter, a weird American flag, a cop and an astronaut. Jobs you wanted when you were 7? The Halloween costumes that are left when you go shopping on 10/30?

And Selena Gomez as Hot Holly Golightly.

Selena Gomez’s backup dancers are awfully unnecessary, since she has all these backup walkers already.
Are these supposed to be like those occupational-themed stripper costumes, and I mean that in a nonjudgmental way?

The models get presents, and my first thought is “good God, will there be a puppy in there?”
A model has the same thought.
There’s no puppy, which is good because I would have stormed out in protest.
The models tell us how they like Christmas, and look at old photos of themselves from when they weren’t models, but just humans in photographs.

A nude mesh and sequin Fair Isle bodysuit – what you’re missing if you didn’t see the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, I guess.

That’s my second Mariah reference of the post, and you’re welcome.
They reveal who will wear the “fantasy bra” – it’s Lily Aldridge, who is of course very pretty and seems nice.