It’s time for our third annual recap of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, and God, they just keep getting younger.
Segment #1: My Eyeballs Hurt
- The first segment begins with a series of flashing lights replicating the moment you slip from earth into all that lies beyond. Or, you know, maybe it’s supposed to look like camera flashes.
- FRINGE IS IN. Magazines, shop windows, and that one coworker have been warning me about this development for months. It’s just that that’s a whole lot of dry clean only.
- It feels like once every 5 or so years, fashion magazines try to tell us that wearing a single dangly earring on purpose is a thing to do. You look at worst like a pirate, and at best like someone who lost an earring. Anyway, Behati Prinsloo can pull it off but that means nothing for the rest of us.
- Okay, this lighting GENUINELY hurts my eyes. Like when you check your phone in the middle of the night.
- I was very proud to recognize a Kardashian-Jenner! I know the youngest two by sight but can never tell which is Kylie and which is Kendall. I feel like there’s one we’re meant to like more than the other, right? Also: Kris and Caitlyn Jenner, looking proud.
- I think I just don’t like fringe.
- I’m not sure I knew that’s what Ellie Goulding looked like.
- Someone is wearing Totally Hair Barbie pattern (my personal favorite Barbie, c. 1991).
Behind The Scenes #1: We’re A Rainbow Made Of Children
- Anyone remember that song? Catholic school thing?
- In any case, the VS brass tell us that the show is “very global” because there are models from everywhere!
- It’s like Donald Trump’s nightmare except we know that it’s not.
Segment #2: Angelica! Eliza! And Peggy.
- The Weeknd has a coat on and the models are in underwear. For the the first of many times, I worry about everyone’s temperature regulation. The curse of being an always-freezing person is that I’m always worried that everyone else is freezing, too. I’ve even started carrying extra gloves and socks to give to homeless people, and I can assure you that they are not that interested and would prefer some money, thanks.
- The theme of this segment is like a Sexy Schuyler Sister.
- That is: Maria Reynolds.
- Apologies to Anne Shirley: these gals are sporting the puffiest of puffed sleeves, too.
Behind The Scenes #2: So It Turns Out Models Like Photographs
- Now they’re all talking about their favorite hobby, taking selfies. Which is like a chill version of their job.
- “Instagram is very important to me” – shit beautiful people say.
- I can’t help but notice all the gorgeous eyebrows. Eyebrows, eyebrows everywhere! All us translucent-colored, faint-eyebrowed folks are just waiting for the pendulum to swing back to small brows – not because you all don’t look great, but because giant eyebrows are physically impossible for us.
Segment #3: Fly Abandonedly Into The Sun
- I can’t say anything bad about all of these beautiful butterfly wings. And frankly, I don’t even want to know anybody who COULD say anything bad about them. It’s a dark, cold world and dammit, we need more bedazzled butterfly wings.
- When I was in Kindergarten, you secured a part in the graduation play by having your parents sign a slip saying what role you wanted. It was first come/first serve. All the girls wanted to be the butterfly. I said I wanted to be the worm because I knew the butterfly would be taken (and I couldn’t bear being in the chorus). It’s been 24 years and my mother still laments that I graduated kindergarten in a brown jumpsuit. Point is: butterfly wings are great but they aren’t EVERYTHING and sometimes you gotta be the worm.
- I mentally referred to some over-the-knee boots as “hip waders” which is probably the most upstate thing I’ve ever done.
Behind The Scenes #3: In Which Shit Gets Real
- The models explain that they work out seven days a week, sometimes twice a day. Realism! I like that. Also, no thanks, homegirl needs her rest days.
- Also I’m going to need specifics about what they’re doing, because I assume there’s something I’m supposed to do to my arms that I’m not.
- Me, when the ladies explain their kick boxing regimens:
Segment #4: The Weeknd Is My Brother
- “The Weeknd’s like a brother to me, dating my little sister” – a model whose family works differently from mine.
- What is this theme? There’s a fire fighter, a weird American flag, a cop and an astronaut. Jobs you wanted when you were 7? The Halloween costumes that are left when you go shopping on 10/30?
- Selena Gomez’s backup dancers are awfully unnecessary, since she has all these backup walkers already.
- Are these supposed to be like those occupational-themed stripper costumes, and I mean that in a nonjudgmental way?
Behind The Scenes #4: Nobody Gets A Puppy
- The models get presents, and my first thought is “good God, will there be a puppy in there?”
- A model has the same thought.
- There’s no puppy, which is good because I would have stormed out in protest.
- The models tell us how they like Christmas, and look at old photos of themselves from when they weren’t models, but just humans in photographs.
Segment #5: Some Elsa Looking Stuff
- A nude mesh and sequin Fair Isle bodysuit – what you’re missing if you didn’t see the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, I guess.
Behind The Scenes #5: Sweet Sweet Fantasy Baby
- That’s my second Mariah reference of the post, and you’re welcome.
- They reveal who will wear the “fantasy bra” – it’s Lily Aldridge, who is of course very pretty and seems nice.
Segment #6: The Lorax
- Technically, fireworks, but I’m pretty sure it’s The Lorax.
- Do you think any of these models hate people yelling at them urgently all the time?