Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2015: Things That Made Me Say WTF

It’s time for our third annual recap of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, and God, they just keep getting younger.

Segment #1: My Eyeballs Hurt

  • The first segment begins with a series of flashing lights replicating the moment you slip from earth into all that lies beyond. Or, you know, maybe it’s supposed to look like camera flashes.
  • FRINGE IS IN. Magazines, shop windows, and that one coworker have been warning me about this development for months. It’s just that that’s a whole lot of dry clean only.

Behati-Prinsloo

  • It feels like once every 5 or so years, fashion magazines try to tell us that wearing a single dangly earring on purpose is a thing to do. You look at worst like a pirate, and at best like someone who lost an earring. Anyway, Behati Prinsloo can pull it off but that means nothing for the rest of us.
  • Okay, this lighting GENUINELY hurts my eyes. Like when you check your phone in the middle of the night.
  • I was very proud to recognize a Kardashian-Jenner! I know the youngest two by sight but can never tell which is Kylie and which is Kendall. I feel like there’s one we’re meant to like more than the other, right? Also: Kris and Caitlyn Jenner, looking proud.
vs-fashion-show-2015-01

KENDALL.

  • I think I just don’t like fringe.
  • I’m not sure I knew that’s what Ellie Goulding looked like.
  • Someone is wearing Totally Hair Barbie pattern (my personal favorite Barbie, c. 1991).

Behind The Scenes #1: We’re A Rainbow Made Of Children

  • Anyone remember that song? Catholic school thing?
  • In any case, the VS brass tell us that the show is “very global” because there are models from everywhere!
  • It’s like Donald Trump’s nightmare except we know that it’s not.

Segment #2: Angelica! Eliza! And Peggy.

  • The Weeknd has a coat on and the models are in underwear. For the the first of many times, I worry about everyone’s temperature regulation. The curse of being an always-freezing person is that I’m always worried that everyone else is freezing, too. I’ve even started carrying extra gloves and socks to give to homeless people, and I can assure you that they are not that interested and would prefer some money, thanks.
  • The theme of this segment is like a Sexy Schuyler Sister.

2. Kendall Jenner Victorias Secret

  • That is: Maria Reynolds.
  • Apologies to Anne Shirley: these gals are sporting the puffiest of puffed sleeves, too.

Behind The Scenes #2: So It Turns Out Models Like Photographs

  • Now they’re all talking about their favorite hobby, taking selfies. Which is like a chill version of their job.
  • “Instagram is very important to me” – shit beautiful people say.
  • I can’t help but notice all the gorgeous eyebrows. Eyebrows, eyebrows everywhere! All us translucent-colored, faint-eyebrowed folks are just waiting for the pendulum to swing back to small brows – not because you all don’t look great, but because giant eyebrows are physically impossible for us.

Segment #3: Fly Abandonedly Into The Sun

  • I can’t say anything bad about all of these beautiful butterfly wings. And frankly, I don’t even want to know anybody who COULD say anything bad about them. It’s a dark, cold world and dammit, we need more bedazzled butterfly wings.

 

 

  • When I was in Kindergarten, you secured a part in the graduation play by having your parents sign a slip saying what role you wanted. It was first come/first serve. All the girls wanted to be the butterfly.  I said I wanted to be the worm because I knew the butterfly would be taken (and I couldn’t bear being in the chorus). It’s been 24 years and my mother still laments that I graduated kindergarten in a brown jumpsuit. Point is: butterfly wings are great but they aren’t EVERYTHING and sometimes you gotta be the worm.
  •  I mentally referred to some over-the-knee boots as “hip waders” which is probably the most upstate thing I’ve ever done.

Behind The Scenes #3: In Which Shit Gets Real

  • The models explain that they work out seven days a week, sometimes twice a day. Realism! I like that. Also, no thanks, homegirl needs her rest days.
  • Also I’m going to need specifics about what they’re doing, because I assume there’s something I’m supposed to do to my arms that I’m not.
  • Me, when the ladies explain their kick boxing regimens:

beast

Segment #4: The Weeknd Is My Brother

  • “The Weeknd’s like a brother to me, dating my little sister” – a model whose family works differently from mine.
  • What is this theme? There’s a fire fighter, a weird American flag, a cop and an astronaut. Jobs you wanted when you were 7? The Halloween costumes that are left when you go shopping on 10/30?

And Selena Gomez as Hot Holly Golightly.

  • Selena Gomez’s backup dancers are awfully unnecessary, since she has all these backup walkers already.
  • Are these supposed to be like those occupational-themed stripper costumes, and I mean that in a nonjudgmental way?

Behind The Scenes #4: Nobody Gets A Puppy

  • The models get presents, and my first thought is “good God, will there be a puppy in there?”
  • A model has the same thought.
  • There’s no puppy, which is good because I would have stormed out in protest.
  • The models tell us how they like Christmas, and look at old photos of themselves from when they weren’t models, but just humans in photographs.

Segment #5: Some Elsa Looking Stuff

  • A nude mesh and sequin Fair Isle bodysuit – what you’re missing if you didn’t see the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, I guess.

5. Candice Swanepoel Victorias Secret

Behind The Scenes #5: Sweet Sweet Fantasy Baby

  • That’s my second Mariah reference of the post, and you’re welcome.
  • They reveal who will wear the “fantasy bra” – it’s Lily Aldridge, who is of course very pretty and seems nice.

Segment #6: The Lorax

  • Technically, fireworks, but I’m pretty sure it’s The Lorax.

6. Lily Aldridge Victorias Secret

  • Do you think any of these models hate people yelling at them urgently all the time?

Palme d’Or Fashion at Cannes 2015

The 68th Cannes Film Festival came to a close over the weekend, and while some might be focused on how the new movies fare at one of the most important movie fests in the world, I’m more concerned as to what people wear while walking the red carpet and going up the iconic Cannes staircase. Since Cannes is a coastal French city, there are some great shots of celebs posing near the stunning waters, but again, because of the epicness of the red carpet and staircase, stars tend to up their glam game just for the festival. Here are some of my favorite looks (in reverse chronological order) from this year’s red carpet.

Sienna Miller in Gucci {Macbeth Premiere}

At first glance, this dress may seem odd and perhaps a bit ugly. But the more I look at it, the more I love it, and appreciate it for its intricacies and unique design. Especially love the collar with the red and black accents!

 

Nikki Reed in Azzaro Couture {Youth Premiere}

I’m a sucker for a cape or anything that looks for a cape. Nikki’s flowing navy blue dress is perfect for Cannes. Sleek, sexy and a stand-out from the crowd. So much so that you almost forget to ask what she’s even doing at Cannes.

Marion Cotillard in Dior Couture {Le Petit Prince Premiere}

One of France’s best exports of course had to show up in Dior, and per usual, she looks flawless.

Kendall Jenner in Calvin Klein Collection {amfAR Gala}

There are a lot of models that show up at Cannes, and Kendall was on hand for the annual amfAR Gala, which again, judging by the articles, was predominantly attended by models. anyways, at 19 years old, Kendall is wearing a dress perfect for her age, and something you’d expect her to wear. The gala isn’t AS fancy as the red carpet, so she gets away with showing this much skin. Plus, I bet this color looks even more gorgeous in person.

Emily Blunt in Stella McCartney {Sicario Premiere}

Ugh. Stop being so freaking perfect, Emily Blunt. She’s wearing one of her fave designers, so it’s no surprise she’s rockin this, but it’s so perfectly shaped to her body, and is so hot, without showing that much skin. The emerald earrings and sweeping updo is the perfect match for the sparkling dress.

Cate Blanchett in Armani Prive {Sciario Premiere}

Good ol’ Cate looks classy as ever in this chic black dress, but what makes it for me is the oversized belt that shows that it’s more than just an accessory but akin to real art.

Emily Blunt in Peter Pilotto {Sicario Photocall}

This dress has a lot going on and while I like it on its own, what I love is the overall styling. By pairing it with complimentary shoes, red lips and relaxed hair, she kills this look.

Aishwarya Rai Bacharan in Oscar de la Renta {Jazabaa Photocall}

Aishwarya is like the Angelina Jolie of India. She had a baby five years ago and has been on hiatus ever since. Her new movie at Cannes marked her return to film, and throughout her time at the fest, she’s been proving that she’s back and better than ever. This gown fits her well and I love the random mismatched pleats in the skirt that give it character.

Mindy Kaling in Salvador Perez {Inside Out Premiere}

The Mindy Project costume designer Salvador Perez often makes Mindy dresses outside of the show and he knocks it out of the park with every one (he made this dress for her at the People Magazine awards and I still covet it to this day). This dress is Indian inspired, and like Mindy Lahiri, Mindy Kaling pulls off bright color blocking like a mf’in boss.

Salma Hayek in Gucci {Rocco And His Brothers Premiere}

In addition to calling out Hollywood sexism at Cannes, Salma also showed off her *ahem* assets in this simple and beautiful purple gown.

Marion Cotillard in Balmain {Trophee Chopard}

Marion is reppin yet another French designer with this African-inspired Balmain dress, which – I mean this in the best way possible – reminds me of boondoggle/lanyard that you would make designs out of during arts and crafts at summer camp.

Rooney Mara in Alexander McQueen {Carol Photocall}

Like many of Alexander McQueen’s designs, this dress is weird yet beautiful, edgy yet classic, and Rooney is just the type of celeb who can pull this off.

Diane Kruger in Dolce & Gabbana {Maryland Photocall}

Usually I’m not into these types of dresses, but for some reason I am so into it. It looks so perfectly tailored onto Diane’s body, so maybe that’s why? Or maybe it’s Diane herself that’s hypnotized me into believing this dress is great.

Emma Stone in Dior {Irrational Man Premiere}

This girl. Hollywood glam right here. Up close, you can see the dress is a pale blue color with impressive embroidering on it. What you can’t see is the fantastic open back and her hair is swept up in some kind of french bun. ALSO, she’s wearing a choker, reminiscent of the black tattoo ones from the 90s. Except this one is probs made out of diamonds and wayy classier.

Lupita Nyong’o in Gucci {Le Tete Haute Premiere}

I just want this caption to be 10,000 emojis with heart eyes. Pretend that’s here. This look is inspired by Uganda’s ‘cricket season’, in which the insects come out after it rains in droves and locals capture them and fry them. They’re considered a delicacy, and I’m considering this to be on of Queen Lupita’s best looks.

BONUS LUPITA JUST BEING A QUEEN IN THE WILD

This freaking ethereal goddess.

AND MY TWO FAVES TAKING A CASUAL SELFIE

 

Coachella 2015 Fashion Wrap-Up

It doesn’t seem like a desert music festival – where people willingly subject themselves to sleeping in tents and peeing in porta potties – could house a fashion oasis. But sometimes, Coachella is just that. The festival is also home to its fair share of fashion missteps, but as a two-weekend event in which people can wear whatever they want without impunity, it may not always be pretty but it’s always interesting.

Jaden Smith

I don’t have a younger brother, but I do have Jaden Smith and that’s basically the same thing. Whether I’m shaking my head over his scrunchy forehead poop face or illustrating his grandiose philosophical musings, I can’t help but get a kick out of that little scamp. He has all of the youthful self-importance of Justin Bieber, but it’s less annoying because unlike Bieber he seems to at least have a good heart. Or any heart. Jaden’s latest exploit: wearing a kicky floral frock and a lush red flower crown at Coachella. Can we retire flower crowns from music festivals now? Because we have already established who wore it best once and for all, and it’s Jaden Smith.

Beyonce

LOL no just kidding, Jaden Smith didn’t wear the flower crown best. Beyonce did – and that’s no insult to Jaden, it’s just that anything that Beyonce wears, she probably looks better than everyone else in. That’s why her t-shirt reads “Go Burn Your Flower Crown.” With denim shorts and natural makeup, it’s like Beyonce is playing dress-up as a regular civilian.

Nicki Minaj

So apparently, those are plaid shorts with a faux plaid shirt sewn around the waist. It reminds me of those cardigans with the built-in half camisole I used to wear in 1998, or those skorts with the shorts attached to the skirt. Except Nicki Minaj is wearing it instead of 12-year-old me, so it looks cool. Note Nicki’s take on the once-ubiquitous feather headdress (ugh): a giant feather crown.

Joshua Jackson

Pacey Witter is wearing the same hat my dad always wears, and that feels weird to me. It’s also the hat that is ceremoniously bestowed at age 16 on American men who are really into people thinking that they have Irish heritage. Also pictured: Diane Kruger and Nina Dobrev. Yeah, they all just look like regular people in normal clothes. Let’s move along.

 Katy Perry

What I love about this is that the loose, billowy fabric is probably great in this weather, as is the slicked-down hair: I can’t even look at Coachella pictures without feeling like I’m losing a fight with the frizz-monster. Besides, she has such a pretty face (sorry, I’m your grandma) and it’s nice to have her hair out of it. Those sandals look great too. The choker is really fun but in the Indio heat, having metal clamped right against your neck might be a bit unpleasant. Anyone want to take bets on how often her train got stepped on?

John Mayer

Listen closely. You hear that? It’s my 17-year-old self, weeping. I want to draw your attention to the gentleman to the left. That’s how my face is right now.

Whitney Port

In the early 90s, the ladies’ pajama departments of stores like Ames and T.J. Maxx used to run ads with ladies in long, billowing nightgowns. They’d often be looking dreamy near a window or on a porch swing. They usually had long blonde hair in a french braid with meticulously curled-under wispy bangs. This is the exact nightgown they were wearing. It looks cute on her, though.

 The Kardashian-Jenner Sisters

I don’t know which Kardashian sisters are which. I mean, I know which one Khloe is. And I know which two are really Jenners, although I can’t tell one Jenner from the other. And I say this as someone who gets annoyed that none of my distant relatives or parents’ friends can tell me apart from my sister. So anyway, here are both Jenners and Khloe Kardashian (the one I can identify). They are wearing outfits I would hate sweating in. The far left Jenner will have some rough tan lines this week. I am very happy to see that they’re all confirming that ankle booties are still in though!

Florence Welch

Florence Welch sported the most badass accessory of the festival: a freshly broken foot. She fractured it leaping off stage, but carried on like the, well, machine that she is. Aside from the foot, she kept things loose and light-colored, perfect for a festival that, as we’ve said, seems really uncomfy to both of us.

FKA Twigs

Between this and the Jenner, I guess the in thing is dressing like Princess Leia when she was enslaved by Jabba the Hutt. Twigs is so pretty, though. Better her than me, having to represent this trend. Bless.She also wore this, which is interesting and probably lovely, but I can’t find a clear picture of it. Sculpted baby hairs haven’t been this in since the late 90s.

Rosie Huntington-Whitely

This is probably the most ladylike anybody has or will ever look at Coachella.

The Jenners, Again

These gals don’t look bad, per se. They just look like teenagers having fun at Coachella. But man, do I wish those hot pants that look like saggy diapers would go away.

Rihanna

When I was in my early makeup wearing years, I remember reading that you should not match your lipstick or your eyeshadow to your outfit, because that’s tacky. Rihanna probably read that same advice as a youngster, then realized that she’s Rihanna and she is wearing a full-length purple fur coat and she can put whatever the heck she wants on her lips.

Jourdan Dunn

These heavy metallic necklaces are  really making me cringe. Also did Coach just set a bunch of models loose at Coachella with their bags as some sort of viral marketing? Also, do you think I would look more like Jourdan Dunn or Rosie Huntington-Whitely if I were carrying a Coach bag??

Hozier

It’s like they always say. You can take the man out of Ireland… but he’s still going to wear some rumply brown stuff and like 5 layers. Also, Aaron Paul. I’m not sure what his hair is doing, but I don’t really need to know.