Game of Thrones is one of the most talked-about shows of 2015 … by everyone except us. We don’t watch it – but we want to! – so in the meantime, here are the things we are pretty sure go down in Medieval Narnia or whatever it is.

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Are you caught up on Game of Thrones? I’m not. I’m very, very not: I still haven’t seen an episode. Don’t get me wrong, it’s way at the top of my watch list – if only because I hate when everyone else knows about something I don’t. It’s just that it’s in the fifth season, so now it’s an undertaking. But since it feels like GoT is all anyone talks about, I have some ideas about it.

God willing, this summer I’ll swipe my parents’ HBOGo login info and find out for myself. Until then, I’m pretty sure this is what it’s about:

• Like, it’s not England, but it IS England, you know?
  

  Hmm. Ok, p. sure it’s England though.

 

• And it’s not the Middle Ages, but it IS The middle ages, right?
  

  No but like, it’s not the “middle ages” but it’s sometime between the fall of Rome and the Renaissance, y/y?

 

• The blonde one has dragons. They’re sort of like the winged monkeys from The Wizard Of Oz, but they want to be there.

 

• The blonde one is icy and powerful, like Grace Kelly or Betty Hofstadt Draper Francis.
  

  + shades of Draco Malfoy and Princess Leia during the Jabba The Hutt era.

 

• The Little Girl shoots arrows.

 

• Everyone has names with lots of y’s in them. And, like, w’s? Drawnyfyr. Grwynwyn. Wywywy.

 

• When something good happens, everyone goes to banquet halls where they eat, presumably, mutton. And drink mead. Then they all get killed.

 

• French braids.

 

• The blonde one’s title is kaleesi (sp? Superfluous H somewhere: Khaleesi? Kalheesi?). Her name is something else. And a lot of people act like her name is Kaleesi (sp) because that’s what they call her in the show, but it’s NOT. It’s not that. It’s probably, definitely something with a y or w in it.

 

• The Little Girl is friends with wolves. Enemies with wolves? I think she mostly rolls with a pack of them.

 

• I’m fairly sure the Little Girl is named Aria, which is why that’s what everyone is naming their babies now. Maybe Arya, which has a Y in it.

 

• The Little Girl with the arrows/wolves is the Stephanie, and her older sister is more of a D.J.

 

• There’s no Michelle; a Michelle would not survive in this world.
  

  This is her GOT outfit.

 

• If your name doesn’t contain a Y or a W, it’s a regular name with one or two letters off. Like Blatt or Bobbin or Roybert.

 

• Peter Dinklage.

 

• Sometimes, somebody goes into a journey through the forest, runs into an enemy, battles them in the forest, emerges on horseback. But it’s the enemy’s horse.

 

• Maybe there’s a priest who’s a bad guy?

 

• More tapestries than a stoner’s sophomore year dorm room.

 

• Do any of you have an extra row of eyelashes that grow straight down? It has nothing to do with Game of Thrones but I would be interested in someone’s help with that.

 

• I’m picturing a battle in a field with humans astride creatures that look like they came from the Jim Henson factory.

 

• All of the American actors use English accents of varying strengths and intensities, even though this is not exactly England.

 

• Rich people wear jewel-toned silks and velvets; poors: straight-up scratchy bag material.

 

• At least one dude has labor-intensive facial hair even though it’s the (not-) Middle Ages. One of those deals where he looks more like a topiary than a face.

 

• Probably a gross childbirth scene at some point.

 

• Pick a character to love. Any character. Okay, they’re going to die.

 

• Unlike the real middle ages, people aren’t dying of, like, dysentery. Usually battles, duals, maybe a stray curse or two.

 

•  Never go to a wedding. Ever. It will end it rape, murder, or both.

 

• All of the men are sort of Variations On A Theme. The theme is Elijah Wood.
  

  Meh. Basically the same thing.

 

• You know how everyone has that one garbage cousin? In 2015 you can just hide him on Facebook, but in Medieval England you will be hiding behind a stone turret while he and a fleet of Jim Henson Workshop Creatures storm across your moat right in the middle of the Hey Nonny Nonny festival or whatever.

 

• Not that it’s Medieval times, that is. Or England. It isn’t.

 

• … But it is, right?

 

 

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