There Are A Lot Of Reasons To Hate Surprise Parties

I’m not an April Fools’ Day person. Neither of us are. Wasting my time in the service of a joke that’s never even funny? No thanks. I’m also not a birthday person. I know this is aggravating, because I don’t want my loved ones to Sixteen Candles it and forget my birthday, but I also don’t want anyone to make a big fuss. This is actually more demanding than asking your friends to throw a straight-up bash, and for that I apologize. But you know what I don’t apologize for? Hating surprise parties, a.k.a. the birthday version of April Fools Day, a.k.a. the kind of parties they throw in hell. Seriously. When the devil has a birthday, John Wilkes Booth and freaking Hitler and like … is Genghis Khan something people still talk about?… all collude to get the devil to “meet his sister for brunch” so all his friends can leap out at him from the shadows. Screw surprise parties.

Surprise parties play into two of my biggest fears: people doing things without me, and people knowing things that I don’t. I’ve felt this way since I was a toddler. My mom used to make my siblings put on a mock-bedtime, saying their prayers and brushing their teeth, because I couldn’t go to sleep if I thought that everyone else was awake. Strike one: doing things without me. When I found out that everyone had been faking bedtime behind my back, I was livid. By the way, I found out when I was like 22. Strike two: knowing things I don’t.

I don’t even like when the animal kingdom tries to get the better of me. The other day I was walking my dog when we came across a flock of deer. As we passed not 20 feet away from them, the deer stood statue-still, hoping that we wouldn’t notice them. I could not let those deer think they had fooled me. I yelled “bye, deer!” after we passed them just so those animals knew damn well that I knew.

You ever know someone where your friends are like “you two should totally go out” or “we all know you’re going to end up together?” I will never let that happen, so strong is my aversion to people thinking they know my life.

And let’s talk about outfits. At least one day a week, I hate what I’m wearing by midday. That means that there is a solid one in seven chance that I would attend my own party wearing something I don’t even like. See? There are a lot of reasons to hate surprise parties.

Worst of all, all of your loved ones have to make a ruse of forgetting or not caring about a major life event, whether it’s a birthday, an engagement, or an anniversary. Two hours of being showered with love do not make up for weeks of thinking that everyone’s being a dick.

It wasn’t always like this. I was the victim of a surprise party when I was a kid, and I liked it.  It was a simple pool party at my aunt’s house, in late summer when I hadn’t seen some of my friends for months. My birthday was in September, so I never saw it coming. But even at 11 years old, I felt like such a putz. Having the wool pulled over your eyes isn’t better just because there’s confetti in the wool. My aunt didn’t really pick me up because she wanted me to go swimming at her house … I mean she did, she just wanted me to go swimming with cake and all of my best friends. Okay, I already admitted that my anti-surprise party stance is aggravating. And my mom didn’t ask who my best friends were because she cared, she asked because … she cared and wanted to invite them to a party to celebrate my birth. She’s a good mom, okay? But my outfit was still stupid.

Besides, I was a child then. As far as I’m concerned, big birthdays, as well as low-grade holidays like April Fools’ Day and Valentine’s Day, are for children. They just aren’t a good use of time. I mean, everybody was born once, it’s not that big a deal. Also, Surprise Parties are the party version of pranks, and you know how we feel about pranks: they’re jokes for unfunny people.

The worst is when you meet a family or friend group who do surprise parties for everything. Every time Ruth has a birthday or Margie has a baby, everyone pretends they aren’t doing anything for it, makes them go to some dumb fake outing, then – BAM! – they throw a party at them. And if you ask why they didn’t just tell Ruth or Margie that they were throwing a party,they’ll be like “oh, she’d say she doesn’t want it.”

YO. THAT’S BECAUSE RUTH DOESN’T WANT A PARTY, THEN. Respect that. There are a lot of reasons to hate surprise parties. I get it.

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We Need To Talk About Happy Endings’ “New Day”

Happy Endings fans – we need to talk about the show. If you’re not a Happy Endings fan, you are missing one of the greatest things that has ever happened to television so stop reading this right now and go out and buy the DVDs of all three seasons and binge watch until you look like Max hibernating in his apartment.

Great. Welcome back all Happy Endings fans new and old. In February, someone from the Happy Endings writers’ room Twitter account posted a mysterious link to this countdown, with the phrase, “It’s almost a new day”. WHAT DOES IT MEAN, cried every single person in the fandom. Some folks quickly figured out that the countdown led to April 1st – AKA April Fool’s Day AKA THE DAY EVERYONE THINKS THEY’RE A JOKER (see whole rant here).

Since then, the anon Tweeter has been posting random hints, like pictures of Michael Jordan – who not only played for the Chicago Bulls/the city where Happy Endings takes place – but made a brief comeback to the Washington Wizards, the great Mark Morrison hit, RETURN of the Mack, stuff about ketchup, and coordinates to the Four Seasons Hotel in Chi-town.

All these hints could mean nothing or they could mean something, but I’m hoping they do mean something, like a brief reunion of sorts? A revival on Netflix? Recently, the anon did start following the Netflix and Yahoo! Screen accounts on Twitter.

So in saying this, I’m a naturally positive person. I’m a “everything happens for a reason” type of gal. No cynical bones in my body. Which is why I really think something significant will happen come April 1st.

Reasons Why I Think This Is Not Bullshit

  • Ever since the show was cancelled in 2013, it has had a strong cult following grow year by year. Happy Endings’ grassroots fans used word of mouth as a weapon, also with the help of TV critics and Internet critics who loved the show and will forever put it on the “Cancelled Too Soon” lists from now until eternity. Fans were clamoring for more when it ended, and that need/want hasn’t faltered since
  • This is the age of TV where there are 10 million pilots made and only a handful are actually picked up. But this is also the age where shows like Community or Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, both of which were given the axe by NBC, were picked up by online services Yahoo! Screen and Netflix, respectively. TV is changing, so why can’t Happy Endings do the same too?
  • Adam Pally is leaving The Mindy Project and Damon Wayans Jr. is leaving New Girl. Eliza Coupe’s show Benched, was recently cancelled, Casey Wilson is on the bubble for renewal for Marry Me, and Elisha Cuthbert and Zachary Knighton are on shows that could possibly get the boot. Are they secretly quitting all their current jobs to be avail for Happy Endings reincarnate??
  • Adam Pally said this of the countdown to The Huffington Post: “I can’t tell you anything. I know as much as you. I’ll tell you this: I know the origin of that Happy Endings countdown clock was not intended to be where it is headed. That’s as much as I can give you.” BUT LIKE, OBVIOUSLY HE KNOWS SOMETHING, RIGHT
  • It would be extremely mean to have a 50+ day countdown to nothing. 

But even for the most positive of people, I know that like most things in life, we can’t get our hopes up too high.

Reasons Why I Think This Is Bullshit

  • It’s on April Fool’s Day. Honestly, this “holiday” needs to stop. Reiterating this with another link to my previous post.
  • Reps for Netflix, Amazon, and Yahoo have all denied any news of a comeback. ABC bosses are clueless, Sony (the studio that produced the show) has “no comment”. This could also mean something is most definitely happening.
  • The writers link pranks. See Season 3, Episode 12, “The Marry Prankster
  • Casey Wilson is pregnant. Her husband, the creator of Happy Endings and their new show Marry Me, still might have a second season of the NBC show to get ready for, come fall.
  • Speaking of Casey Wilson, she’s a life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives (jk, love ya Pen Pen, but ugh). In a new interview, Casey basically shuts all the speculation down. And she would know, because, again, her husband was the creator of Happy Endings (yes, that’s how they met).
It’s certainly nothing to my knowledge so I think it might be our writer’s assistant joking around and unfortunately, I know it’s not a welcome joke for everyone necessary.

Casey Wilson: I know. I don’t love that he did it to be honest. But at the same time, I think he was framing it like he knew fans would be excited. I don’t think he meant it in any way but to my knowledge, there’s nothing moving forward. I mean I’m still on the show.

You’d probably know.

CW: I would hope. I would hope. But nothing sadly and I apologize if it got anyone excited… It got me excited.

For a second, were you like, “Oh, great, why didn’t they tell me”?

Yeah. I was like I’m sure they want to tell because they’re bringing me such a great offer that they want to wait… So nothing yet.

You’d think I’d be convinced that there’s definitely nothing happening  after Casey’s interview, but I’m still holding on to a glimmer of hope. Maybe at least a small series of webisodes?? A TV movie a la Lifetime? I’ll even settle for a reunion where the cast sits around and does nothing but drink and and eat ribs. Anything. Just let it be something. I can’t be the only one who’s dying over this! And there’s less than 24 hours left!!! What do y’all think? Are we just wasting our time? SHOULD WE ALL JUST GET TOGETHER AND HAVE A MASSIVE HAPPY ENDINGS VIEWING PARTY??

Can We Not With April Fool’s Day

As a kid I looked forward to April Fool’s Day solely as a result of Nickelodeon magazine. If you’re a 90s kid, you remember this publication. It was constantly advertised on Nick and filled with comics, interviews with celebs, general silliness and pranks. There were tips on how to prank and actual pranks you could cut out and use for everyday life.

Looking back on it, I don’t think I actually had a passion for pranks, I just thought Nickelodeon magazine was so cool that I would do whatever was in it. Ah, my constant desire to my liked as a child. Anyways, I would attempt to pull those pranks, mainly on my Filipino parents who probably could care less slash didn’t know what was going on, so it was completely lost on them. Maybe the lack of reciprocation is also a reason why I just don’t care for it now.

Flash forward to present day, and I find April Fool’s Day not only annoying but exhausting and actually effecting my life in a way I abhor. It’s exactly one week away from today and I’m already over it. Why? I’ll tell you why, kids. Gather round and listen to grandma tell you why this “holiday” is pure nonsense.

Unfunny People Think They’re Funny

Look, I fancy myself a fairly funny person. I love watching comedy, I love learning about the process of making comedies, I’m a big ol’ comedy nerd. I appreciate a good laugh. But when it comes round to April 1st, naturally unfunny people come out of the depths of Last Comic Standing hell to attempt to do a prank or make a joke that they’ll be able to get away with that they wouldn’t be able to the rest of the year. April Fool’s Day is like forcing people to laugh at whatever dumb thing you’ve planned, simply because you’re allowed to be an ass one day of the year.

Jokes That Go Awry Can Make People Feel Like Shit

There’s a segment on Ryan Seacrest’s L.A. radio morning show called Ryan’s Roses, that isn’t exactly a prank per se, but it’s basically designed to catch a cheating partner. A person who thinks their significant other may be cheating on them enlists the help of Ryan and his morning crew. They have someone on the staff call the alleged cheater, telling them they’re from a florist and they’ve won a free dozen roses to send to anyone. When asked whose name should be put on the card, the alleged cheater either A) gives their real S.O.’s name or B) gives a third party name, thus proving them to be a cheater, and then the original person gets on the line and all hell breaks loose. It gets heated and embarrassing and I can’t even listen to it. There is nothing worse than witnessing something go awry when real feelings are involved. There’s been a horrible history of April Fool’s Day pranks gone wrong, and you can’t help but hang you head in shame and embarrassment for them, unless it’s just pure anger. Like the time an employee at a Virginia college texted her daughter saying there was a shooting on campus, and the daughter immediately called 911 – police swarmed the school and now said woman is facing charges. Or maybe the time a woman in Tennessee called her sister saying she killed her husband and she needs to help her dump the body – and the sister turned prankster sister into the cops. People are dumb.

There Will Always Be a RickRoll

I remember being at my internship senior year of college and sitting at the computer and being told I needed to go to YouTube and click on any video. I clicked a random link. I was all, “WTF”. I laughed, I think. Do y’all remember what happened? Of course you do, because unless you’ve been living under a rock, that meme won’t die. The bait and switch of Rick Astley was funny for a minute in 2008 – not so much now.

Radio DJs Always AssBuckets

Is there some kind of clause in radio DJs’ contracts that state they must perform some elaborate, ridiculous, horrible prank on April Fool’s Day? I feel like they’re usually the perpetrators and egging listeners on to play pranks on their friends and loved ones. This morning show crew even has a hand list of “last-minute pranks”, which include putting tape over the laser at the bottom of a computer mouse and mixing Skittles, M&Ms and Reese’s Pieces in a bowl. What kind of fuckery… And then there’s the category of pure idiocy when well-known Boston shock jocks Opie and Anthony told their listeners in 1998 that beloved Mayor Tom Menino had died in a car crash. Unfortunately, Tommy Menino was on a flight at the time and couldn’t be reached, leading to even more panic. Opie and Anthony were eventually fired. (RIP Tommy Menino frreal.)

There Will Always Be A Story You Think Could Be True

Number one reason I hate April Fool’s Day. Since I work in entertainment news, I have to be vigilant of fake stories beginning… like, today. And when it comes to April 1st, I have to constantly double check and make sure it’s not some elaborate joke ‘N Sync is pulling and they’re not actually coming back together for a new album and world tour. But some of the fake stories put out there are actually believable and it’s frustrating to find out when it’s not. For instance, if it was announced that Abe Vigoda died on April 1st, I would actually believe that, because he’s old. Skip to two hours later and Abe is confirming he’s alive on Twitter. IT’S JUST ANNOYING AND NOT FUNNY AND EVERYONE JUST STOP PLEASE, FOR MY SANITY.