It’s a Love Story, Baby Just Say ‘What The Fuck Is Happening?’

Can we talk about Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston for a sec? Or like, for this entire post? Great.

What’s up with Hiddleswift tho?

Ever since May, fans, gossip mongers and lookie-loos have been fascinated by their whirlwind romance. They’ve lit’rally gone all over the world together in the span of about a month, which is why it’s starting to get a little suspicious. There are a lot of theories floating around out there, mostly that this relationship is all for publicity. Or for their “craft”. And I’m starting to believe it too.

To support this, here’s a timeline of their “romance” and reasons why this whole Hiddleswift Love Story is the ultimate Taylor Troll.

May 2nd • New York City • Met Gala

Taylor (who as of May 2nd, we thought was still dating Calvin Harris) was spotted dancing to T.I.’s classic Bring Em Out with rando Tom Hiddleston. It’s the Met Gala, after all. Rando celebs co-mingling is the norm. They weren’t dancing up on each other, it seemed friendly. They were later spotted at the Boom Boom Room chatting it up all night.

Evidence of Trolling:
  • Where is Calvin? Taylor was a co-chair of this year’s Met Gala, which means she “hosted” it along with Anna Wintour and others. She wasn’t just a guest, it was a big night for her too. Calvin was MIA.
  • The person who posted this video that circulated throughout the Interwebs is Carlos Souza, Valentino’s brand ambassador. He’s also been described as a “PR Genius” for the fashion brand.

June 14th • Watch Hill, Rhode Island • Taylor’s Oceanside Mansion

A little over a month after the Met Gala, when most of us had even forgotten they had a dance-off, photos of Taylor and Tom surfaced of them talking along the rocks near her Rhode Island home. And making out and taking selfies. Taylor and Calvin Harris had just confirmed their break up weeks earlier.

Evidence of Trolling:
  • After years of being ridiculed for dating multiple guys in her early 20s, Taylor laid low when she started dating Calvin Harris last year. They were introduced to each other by Ellie Goulding at an awards show in February, and it wasn’t until March that they were spotted at a concert together in Nashville. They weren’t even photographed holding hands in Los Angeles until May, the same month she brought him along as her date to the Billboard Music Awards, where they only kissed each other on the CHEEK. Note that those last couple were in LA (where paps are everywhere) and at an awards show, which is obvs broadcast around the world. What I’m saying here is – Taylor’s Rhode Island home isn’t usually swarmed with paparazzi. Unless it’s July 4th (more on that later). The fact that there are snappers at all is questionable. On top of that, it doesn’t make sense she would be outside making out and holding hands and selfie taking with Tom seemingly out of nowhere just weeks after breaking up with Calvin. They couldn’t keep it on the DL inside her mansion?

June 21st • Nashville, Tennessee • Selena Gomez’s concert

Taylor flies down south to her adopted hometown of Nashville, where they take in her BFF Selena’s concert. And they *CAN’T KEEP THEIR HANDS TO THEMSELVES*.

Evidence of Trolling:
  • When Taylor first started dating Calvin Harris, they were first spotted at Kenny Chesney’s concert in Nashville. Coincidence?
  • However, they weren’t dancing all on top of each other. Hiddleswift is all about the dancing, apparently. At least they’ve found a common interest.

June 23rd • Nashville, Tennessee • Meet The Parents

It’s been a sold two weeks, so why NOT introduce Tom to her parents? They also went on a double date with Holly Williams and her husband – Holly is the granddaughter of Hank Williams, who Tom played in the biopic I Saw The Light. He became close with the whole Williams family while making the movie. Of course they would hang out with the world’s favorite country-turned-pop star (remember when Taylor was a ‘country star’?).

Evidence of Trolling:
  • No, but really, why so quick to meet her parents???

June 24th • Suffolk, England • Meet the Parents (British Style)

Because things weren’t fast enough, Tom and Taylor went across the pond to continue their tour of love by going to his native England to meet his mom.

Evidence of Trolling:
  • Again, why are they so out in the public? Where there are obviously paparazzi following them?

June 27th • Rome, Italy • Audrey Hepburn & Gregory Peck Visit The Colosseum

Evidence of Trolling:
  • Lit’rally every single picture looks set up. Taylor’s dressed like she’s in the Lizzie McGuire Movie sequel and Tom is her Gordo.
  • THERE IS SO MUCH PDA SO OUT IN THE OPEN. WHAT WOULD THE GLADIATORS SAY??

July 3rd • Watch Hill, Rhode Island • Taylor’s Ocean

Taylor’s annual July 4th bash at her Rhode Island mansion was back on, this time with more squad members and a new beau.

Evidence of Trolling:

July 4th • Watch Hill, Rhode Island •#Taymerica

They celebrated America’s independence by sliding down a giant inflatable slide and becoming Instagram official.

View this post on Instagram

Pretty cool runnings

A post shared by Cara Delevingne (@caradelevingne) on

Evidence of Trolling:
  • I still don’t understand how Tom’s fitting in with this #squad.
  • Why is Taylor the only one sitting the other way next to Blake and her other BFF?

July 6th to 8th • Various Airports • First Class

After an All-American weekend, they left Rhode Island on Wednesday, made a pit stop in Los Angeles and through the magic of time, landed in Sydney, Australia Friday morning.

Evidence of Trolling:
  •  She followed him He invited her to Australia where he’s filming the new Thor movie. Australia’s quite a long ways away from America. It’s not like if they got into a fight, she could be back home in 30 minutes. She’s Taylor Swift, not a wizard.

July 9th • Gold Coast, Australia • Dinner Date

Because Hiddles gots to eat.

Evidence of Trolling:
  • What exactly is Taylor doing while he’s filming Thor??? Writing songs? Everyone get ready for some tracks featuring digeridoos in the background.

July 10th • Gold Coast, Australia • This Is Why You Don’t Go On Jogs

Tom tried to go undercover while jogging out on the streets of Queensland.

Evidence of Trolling:
  • Are paparazzi really that bad in Australia that they were following his every step on his jog? Or did someone give them a tip? And why is he giving any sort of answer to the reporter at all?

July 11th • South Brisbane, Australia • Philanthropy

Ah, THIS is what Taylor’s been doing.

Evidence of Trolling:
  • I’m not going to shit on her for this. These kids are happy.

July 13th • Internet • Drag City

Y’all. Shit. Went. Down. Wednesday. TBH, I started this post before SongwritingGate happened. So this kind of takes everything to a whole new level. Can we put this in a nutshell? Let’s try.

  • Turns out Taylor wrote Calvin’s song This Is What You Came For ft. Rihanna. She did a demo on her phone, sent it to Calvin while they were still dating, and he decided to use it. They recorded a full demo, but Taylor used the pseudonym Nils Sjoberg, and they both agreed to not promote the track together as the ‘Taylor + Calvin song’ and keep it on the DL. She also reportedly did some backing vocals, but again, wasn’t credited.
  • Calvin later did an interview with Ryan Seacrest promoting the song, saying that he “can’t see (a collaboration) happening” with Taylor. Some say this was the catalyst for their demise.
  • On Wednesday, Calvin went IN on Taylor on Twitter, which I will copy & paste JIC it’s all deleted: “And she sings on a little bit of it too Amazing lyric writer and she smashed it as usual… I wrote the music, produced the song, arranged it and cut the vocals though. And initially she wanted it kept secret, hence the pseudonym… Hurtful to me at this point that her and her team would go so far out of their way to try and make ME look bad at this stage though 🤔 … I figure if you’re happy in your new relationship you should focus on that instead of trying to tear your ex bf down for something to do…

Please focus on the positive aspects of YOUR life because you’ve earned a great one…God bless everyone have a beautiful day.

  • AND THEN – KATY ‘BAD BLOOD’ PERRY THREW THE BEST SHADE IN THE HISTORY OF TREES.

FOLLOWED BY A RETWEET OF A POST SHE SENT LAST YEAR

Evidence of Trolling:
  • I mean. Now, what is happening?

July 14th • Australia • He Speaks

“The truth is that Taylor Swift and I are together, and we’re very happy. Thanks for asking. That’s the truth. It’s not a publicity stunt.” Tom to The Hollywood Reporter

Evidence of Trolling:

Alright team. Them’s the facts. Tom’s latest comments aside, I still think the whole thing is a little fishy. Pre-SongwritingGate, I was inclined to believe the conspiracy theories that their romance has all been just for show. That it’s one huge piece of performance art and Taylor’s attempt at a Lemonade-style piece. That she’s quite literally acting out her Blank Space and Wildest Dreams music videos IRL.

The evidence above and show here and here give the theories that it’s all for show compelling arguments, which I’m willing to believe. What I cannot get myself to believe is that Taylor moved so quickly after her breakup. She and Calvin dated for 15 months and about 3 weeks later, she’s going non-stop with another guy? I’m not saying a real relationship isn’t possible, it just seems fishy to me.

And again, why all the cameras??! I get she’s one of the most famous people in the world, but per her track from 1989 – SHE KNOWS PLACES. She doesn’t have to be out and about. Also, here’s a little insider scoop – celebrities/their people call paparazzi to tip them off and let them know where they’ll be to knowingly get a “candid” pic published for all the world to see. It isn’t all by chance. Those English beach shots and Roman Holiday excursion reek of just that. Also, have I mentioned Tom is in talks to become the next James Bond? Because he is. Is Taylor singing the song for the new Bond movie and this has all been videotaped for the music video?

However, in post-SongwritingGate world, I’m starting to think Calvin may have fucked up her entire plan. He went rogue. Nils was supposed to be a secret. Not anymore. Then Katy stepped in with her GIF and the story became even bigger. Meanwhile, Rihanna is probably hiding out with Drake somewhere hoping she’s not dragged into this more than she already is. Anyways, if Calvin didn’t go rogue, is this all part of her master plan? Those tweets make him seem like a lover scorned, which leads me to believe the answer is no. Will we ever find out the truth?

In the words of a wise 2015 sage, “Time, the ultimate truth teller”.

 

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Playlist of the Month: Jock Jams

The 2014 Olympics are in full gear and athletes are already nabbing medals on the podium. But what gets these sportsmen/women pumped before they compete? In 2008, when Michael Phelps was in his prime in Beijing, he was seen listening to something on his iPod, headphones glued to his ears and there was one question on my mind: WHAT THE HELL WAS HE LISTENING TO?

I wasn’t the one wondering, the reporters at NBC were wondering too, and apparently the answer is a lot of techno and rap (Lil Wayne). Even Bob Costas said one of the rules to living life during the Olympics in ’08 was “Crank up your iPod and listen to anything Michael Phelps listens to.”

Michael Phelps chose techno/dance and rap to get pumped, and in the 1990s so did the folks who compiled the popular Jock Jams CDs.

I’m assuming none of the athletes are listening to ‘I Like To Move It’ or ‘ ‘Tubthumping’ in 2014 (although after the techno soundtrack at the opening ceremony, maybe they are), here are a few of our suggestions for a new Jock Jams compilation for 2014.

Listen to the whole playlist on Spotify!

spotify:user:122917273:playlist:2fhbugwUTY4LPdrkQmnPAz

Traci’s Picks

H.A.M. Kanye West & Jay Z

This track says it all in the title: H.A.M. = Hard as a Motherfucker. Go big or go home, guys.

Live It Up by Jennifer Lopez & Pitbull

So as previously mentioned, Jock Jams was a mix of techno, rap, dance, and pop. For me to excited, I also like listening to a song that makes me feel good and happy and positive, and that’s how I feel about this song. Like, how can you not want to dance to this?

Wings by Little Mix

Along the same lines as upbeat, fun songs, I present you with Wings. This was a mild hit over the past year, by Little Mix who won The X Factor over in the UK. You may also know member Perrie Edwards as ‘the girl who stole Zayn Malik’s heart and ruined Directioners everywhere’. Anyways, this song is great and so are they.

Let’s Go by Ne-Yo & Calvin Harris

The lyrics are literally, ‘Let’s go, make no excuses now, your time is running out.’ Olympians, you’ve been training all your lives for this moment. Don’t screw it up.

Work Bitch by Britney Spears

You better.

Molly’s Picks

Shawty Get Loose – Lil Mama

In case you haven’t noticed, we like techno, hip hop, and pop for our jock jams. This track combines all three – and who could forget Lil Mama’s star turn in that TLC tv movie?

The New Workout Plan – Kanye West

Say what you will about Kanye, this song gets you moving.

The Anthem – Pitbull ft. Little John

I think the double Pitbull on this list just highlights how suited he is to the Jock Jam genre.

Je Veux Te Voir – Yelle

The fact that the music vid features gym equipment and 80s aerobic fashions says it all. Nothing like a good smack-talk song for motivation, right?

Get Me Bodied – Beyoncé

Beyoncé isn’t just the queen of everything (so much so that WordPress automatically adds the accent to her name), she’s the great motivator. A Beyoncé song on my iPhone takes my regular elliptical and weights routine and makes me feel like ‘hey, maybe I could be an Olympian or something.’ Like all great Olympians, B is a team player — this track features her Destiny’s Child friends and her sister Solange.