I always stock my Netflix queue with the best of intentions, but in real life 90% of my Netflix viewing consists of rewatching shows like Parks and Rec or Friday Night Lights. Another 5% is documentaries that help me fall asleep, like a child’s favorite lullaby if lullabies were about unsolved murders and obesity. I have weird dreams. Then the final 5% is the movies that have sat on my queue for months, only for me to forget about until after they’ve left the site. Well, no more. Every month …. if I remember … I’m going to watch one of the movies that Neflix is about to bump and blog about it. First up: Titanic.
The Movie: Titanic (1997)
Expires On: August 1.
Watch or Rewatch: Rewatch, I have been a human living on earth for the 18 years since Titanic came out. 18? That can’t be right.
Should You Watch It? If you’ve never seen Titanic … YES. I assume even most teenagers who weren’t alive/ were babies then have seen it on TV by now, but maybe not. Also, if you haven’t watched it for years, it’s worth a rewatch to see if you still remember all of the dialog (I do, apparently).
Thoughts During The Movie:
In my childhood I thought the Keldysh scenes were great, but now that I can get my fix of Titanic wreckage footage elsewhere it’s super boring.
Fun fact: I’m fascinated by ship wrecks.
Also everything the Keldysh guys say is so cheesy. I can’t even pick one thing. Every line, and every delivery, is just dripping with schmooze and …. wine coolers? They all seem like guys who would drink wine coolers.
Your face is stupid and you’re stupid.
When Titanic mania was in high gear I thought Kate Winslet was the prettiest person ever. Fine, normal. But not normal is praying – literally praying – that I could have Rose’s hair. Still sounds almost normal? Wrong. Because I have curly red hair. What was I even after? Just leave out more tendrils and get on with your life.
Plus we live in the future and there are tutorials now:
Now that I’m a decade older than Young Rose, it’s actually Old Rose I want to emulate. Not now, but eventually, it would be great to be super old with tunics and beaded earrings and sweet extra-long gray hair. Not sure at what age you’re supposed to get into pottery.
Did anyone ever make up lyrics to the Titanic theme music that plays throughout? You know, the one that’s like ba da BAAAA doddle-oddle-daa-AAA, daa da daaa dum dummm. Like “on this booooat, that you call unsinkable, you’re all gonnnn-a die” or “she’s so riiiich, but he is a poor boy, how will happppp-en next?”
Thing I Never Noticed Before #1: You see them lift Rose and Jack’s sex car onto the ship.
Thing I Never Noticed Before #2: FABRIZIO. I was all about the J.D. before but it’s actually all about Fabrizio. RIP (spoiler?), I’m gonna never forget you.
Third class is more multicultural than an elementary school math textbook word problem.
Thing I Never Noticed Before #3: Actually, also Cal. He’s sort of hot and smarmy and personality-wise, maybe a better match for Rose than Jack was, if he weren’t such a jerk.
During Titanic mania, did anyone else scour passenger lists to see if maybe just maybe you had an ancestor on board?
The GCI people you see on deck when they pan over the ship look like they’re from a CD-ROM game. #TECHNOLOGY
“You’re gonna cut her meat for her too there Cal?” Maybe this is what Molly Brown really sounded like – I assume so since Kathy Bates is a great actress- but I feel like a character from Oklahoma somehow ended up in Downton Abbey.
Thing I Never Noticed Before #4: Tommy Ryan. I had some serious Jack Dawson blinders.
Thing I Never Noticed Before #5: When Rose and Jack plan on going to the pier and riding horses…. ugh. Those couples who have been together less than a day and they’re already planning vacations together.
I cannot be the only one who uses “start from the outside and work your way in” to deal with extensive place settings.
I recently saw a picture of c. 1998 Nick from the Backstreet Boys and thought it was Jack for a second. That hairdo made everyone look the same.
Obviously no Jack Dawson.
You know how period dramas usually look influenced by the time they were made? For instance, all these 2010s movies set in the 1800s, where the women have long, loose curls with layers when their hair definitely would have been worn up if they weren’t hookers. Or the ’70s hair on all of the men in Little House On The Prairie. Well, Titanic did a great job of actually looking like 1912, but I have a sinking feeling that if it were made today, all of the women would have 50% more eyebrow action.
Mary Pickford knew what was up.
Is Rose responsible for how half of all girls born after 1997 have the middle name Rose? Don’t worry, Abigail Rose or Hannah Rose or Madison Rose, it’s a very pretty name, I’m just curious.
And how a quarter of all boys born after 1997 are named Jack (my nephew is one, though he’s technically named after my grandpa instead of Jack Dawson).
If the Titanic sailed in 2015 the portrait scene would be 5 seconds long and consist of Rose taking a nude selfie, which would quickly circulate through the passengers before reaching Cal. #busted
The thing is, I feel like Rose and Jack must have had better options in the cargo hold than the backseat of a car, right? Jeepin’.
Victor Garber works a lot, so it’s super distracting that every time I see him, I think “Mr. Andrews, Mr. Andrews!” in that Dorothy Gale voice Rose uses.
Nobody ever says it, but the Heart Of The Ocean was one tacky-ass Claire’s Boutique-looking necklace.
Surely the Titanic had a more sophisticated security protocol than shackling thiefs to pipes?
Any lawyers here? Then maybe you better remember Lady Duff-Gordon from Wood v. Lucy, Lady Duff-Gordon. It’s a nice Cardozo opinion that has become sort of a standard in contracts texts. It’s also an early instance of celebrity clothing endorsements.
$12, what a steal! Or actually I feel like that would have been fairly expensive.
New obsession I just discovered during this rewatch: behind the scenes set photos from Titanic. I mean:
I remember reading that they went back for the Titanic re-release and changed the stars to be more accurate. That’s hardcore, but also makes me wonder if it’s fair to do do-overs. And if so, why didn’t they also replace those 1997 technology people on the ship?
Why did they make Old Rose make that stupid noise when she threw the necklace in the water?
Jack died, and that’s sad, don’t get me wrong, but also would you toss away a multi-million dollar necklace because of some dude that you banged once and were into for three days when you were a teenager? I’m sure Lizzy had some car payments or whatever that that would have really helped with.
Okay, the Celine Dion song is sort of a jarring 90s slow pop jam after watching a movie set in 1912. Also, also. This isn’t related. But when I was walking at lunch last week a guy called to me “Celine Dion, come kiss me!” and usually I forget those kinds of comments as soon as they happen, but I am still puzzling over it. First of all, I don’t look like Celine Dion, but it made me wonder if people can tell that I’m part French Canadian. I always thought of them as a people who don’t look like anything in particular. Also, is Celine Dion even considered attractive? She looks normal, but I’ve never heard anyone be like “you know who I wish I looked more like? Celine Dion.” Eh, maybe it was because I was wearing a backwards tuxedo and the heart of the ocean. Coeur de la mer, I call it
Today is the tenth anniversary of the Friends finale. For us, this was the end of a decade that shaped the way we watched TV. Friends was the first “grown-up” sitcom I watched, the first time I really experienced ships and running gags and over-investment in TV characters. When we watched the finale on May 6, 2004 we knew that something special was coming to an end. Now that a decade has passed, and Friends has been off the air as long as it was on, we thought this was the perfect time to live blog The Last One – the final episode of Friends.
T: For the record, this finale gives me a lot A LOT of feels, so I tend to avoid it like the plague. I’ve only seen it maybe five times (?) in the past 10 years, as opposed to all the other eps which I’ve basically seen too many times to count.
M: Twice here, I think. Maybe three times. Same reason. By the way, the end of Friends roughly marked the end of that thing where you knew everyone was watching the same show at the same time as you. There were several years between this finale and DVR and internet TV taking off, but Friends was really one of the last big shows of the primetime era. Cultural shifts in our lifetime, y’all.
T: (opening scene) I’ve never taken Joey for someone who prides himself in style, but this brown button up dress shirt with random blue print is … definitely from 2004. Must be the free Ralph Lauren from Rachel.
T: :54 #ClapClapClapClap
M: Remember when there was a CD of the Friends soundtrack? It was in the early years, like 1995ish. I think it had the theme song by like 5 different bands. Probably like… the Lemonheads. Lisa Loeb. Presidents Of The United States Of America. That sort of thing.
T: 2:22 Remember when Anna Faris was just ‘Erica the surrogate mom from Friends?’ Now she’s ‘Chris Pratt’s wife’ or like… something else to do with her career.
M: I had 1000% forgotten that this was Anna Faris. By the way, I was just in a maternity ward this week (not my baby) and those rooms look completely the same as they did in 2004. And even in 2004, the decor was sort of 1983-ish.
Peach wallcoverings with Laura Ashley curtains. And sunset paintings in bulky gold frames.
T: Also FTR, I have always and WILL always be a Ross/Rachel shipper. I don’t care how cliche that is. Which makes this finale even more perfect.
T: 4:00 Monica to Chandler: “What kind of social situation ARE you comfortable with?” THE ACCURACY.
M: You know how girls have celebrity spirit animals? Like Audrey Hepburn or Beyonce? Mine is Chandler Bing.
T: I forget, how old is Erica supposed to be? Like in her 20s? Why is she going to “Church Camp” as an adult??
M: “Do you ever wonder what is worse, going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts? […] Maybe there’s even something more painful than both those things. Like this.” WHY did it take Monica like 6 seasons to scoop up this gem of a man.
T: 5:20 WHERE ARE CHICK JR. AND DUCK JR. NOW??? HUH???
M: Dead. With 8 generations of descendants. Because this was a decade ago. Really depressing to think about animals in beloved TV shows of the past, isn’t it?
M: 4:40 (Oh hey my episode’s on a slightly different timeline than Traci’s by the way): Ross: You were sure Ben was going to be a girl. Phoebe: Have you seen him throw a ball?
And on that note, I give you Ben, 2014:
T: 6:28 Ross: “Hey, I’m not one to kiss and tell. But I’m also not one to have sex and shut up – we totally did it!” This line makes me LOL unreasonably.
M: Most 2004 thing in this scene: the giant CD tower.
Second-most 2004 thing: Phoebe’s tattoo choker necklace.
T: 7:15 Okay, Phoebe’s running joke about everything being a musical is so underrated, I feel.
M: YES! Actually, I think Phoebe as a character is underrated. Phoebe and Chandler.
M: No, really, am I just old or has fashion barely changed in the past decade? I know we wrote about mid-2000s trends but the fact is that Ross’s shirt and sweater combo and Rachel’s straightened highlighted hair totally still works.
Mostly acceptable outfits.
T: 9:25 These baby cries seem awfully fake (I know they are, but)
M: “That is one disgusting miracle” – consider this a preview of my post about lines from Friends that I still have in my everyday lexicon.
T: 10:35 I remember YELLING at the TV when the doctor said ‘the other baby is coming in a minute’. It was like I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant but, like I Didn’t Know I Was Having Two Kids And Not One instead. Also, can you imagine getting all the stuff you need for one baby and then you come home with two?? Like can you put another baby in a crib? You would need to buy alll the diapers. Stressful.
M: I can’t even handle surprise parties. For other people, even. Surprise babies? NOPE. I remember being really angry as well, because it seemed like such a cheap sitcom-y situation. I know it’s a sitcom. But still.
M: When Erica says the line about both heartbeats being really strong “and that’s good because I’m having a baby” I realize that I basically have this entire episode memorized. And thus I must have seen it way more than two times. I’m starting to think I watched it multiple times right after it aired (on VHS, natch) then haven’t seen it again since like … maybe 2005.
T: 12:32 Eight is Enough : a reference I definitely had to look up at the age of 18.
M: Joey to Ross: “Is that what a dinosaur would do?” I love the recurring joke where nobody’s at all clear on what Ross does (see also: “one sad polontologist”).
M:13:11 (iTunes episode timeline): 2004 throwback: Atkins reference. Oh God I hated Atkins. Just because how annoying people were on it. Around 2004, I remember a lady at the movie theatre where I worked grilling me on whether popcorn had carbs. I think I answered “yeah, probably a lot.” Employee of the decade here.
T: 14:49 Ross ‘waiting’ and leaning against the couch while Gunther professes his love for Rachel is the greatest. Ross is my favorite friend. Tied with Chandler. I just think Ross is so underrated.
M: Yeah, I’ll buy that, too. When I was a kid he seemed like the most “boring grownup” type of the bunch, but he plays sad-sack goofy nerd so well!
T: 17:35 Phoebe: “Sure he’s (Gunther) is more sexy in an obvious way.” Phoebe has the weirdest taste in guys. James Brolin, Jack Geller, Jacques Cousteau… I will say she scored with Paul Rudd though.
M: Thing I never thought about raising kids in New York City: having to secure a car seat into a cab. Excuse me, two car seats. EVERY TIME. Do you know how long those suckers take to get into the car? And you’re supposed to have firefighters check to make sure it’s in right. Do they have special firefighters checking every cab? Doubtful.
T: 18:45 Phoebe’s friend Ethel’s baby came home with a TEENY TINY BEARD.
T: 20:50 I LEGIT AM ALREADY TEARING UP WITH RACHEL SAYING GOODBYE TO ROSS.
M: Is it wrong that I really like Rachel’s 2004 outfit? There are knee socks. And a pullover vest. I think I just answered my own question.
T: Man, I would die if I was in the audience for this finale. Can you even imagine?
T: 23:00 I love when Phoebe’s angry/street side comes out. Never forget where you come from, y’all. Also, Not like I pass by toll booths all the time, but I think about Pheebs throwing the change at the window every time I drive through one.
M: Me too! I use EZPass (I love New York) and every time I’m at an out-of-state toll booth I have an instant Phoebe reaction.
T: I appreciate that the writers also decided to bring another OTP back together for the finale: Chandler and Joey. The whole trying to find Chick & Duck Jr. together was great, particularly with the foosball table metaphor and Monica eventually being the one to break it because the boys can’t do it.
M: There was a really good physical comedy moment when the ball drops into the foosball table and the camera closes in on their faces as they wait to hear what happens with it.
T: 29:23 Ross: “Okay if you could all walk slower, that would be great.” Me, anytime I walk anywhere with tourists or slow people.
M: I always angrily walk around them because I CANNOT DEAL WITH THAT. I’m a pretty chill driver, but I think I might have whatever the walking version of road rage is. Sidewalk rage, I guess.
T: 30:20 ross running through the line, pheebs running past it
M: I think this is one of the first airport chase scenes of the post-9/11 era. It was all so much easier before.
T: 31:25 Thinking of turning Ross’ ‘MONICA. MONICA. MONICA. MONICA… THAT IS PRECIOUS” into my ringtone.
T: 32:00 Ross realizing he’s at the wrong airport:
M: There’s no .gif of Joey saying “good game” to all of the foosball guys. Just, y’know, in case you were wondering. Also Monica and Chandler are neglecting their babies kind of a lot, right?
T: 35:37 Enter Dean Pelton.
M: The running gag with the phalange was probably my favorite part of the episode when it first aired. “THERE IS NO PHALANGE!”
T: 36:43 The guy who says ‘WHAT’S GOING ON??’ on the plane << overacting, much??
T: 39:00 Awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake was a thing my friends and I did the last night I lived on campus before going off to study abroad.
T: 40:00 Phoebe Buffay: Ultimate Ross and Rachel shipper
T: 41:28 annnnddd cue the crying yet again. Damnnit Schwimmer. I really thought she would stay too.. except there’s still 10 minutes left sooo
M: I think I cried when Rachel got on the plane when this first aired. Now I’m mostly dead inside so it’s cool, but I do remember the feeling. Of, you know, having feelings.
T: 42:43 Remember those old answering machines? Remember how it took me forever to come up with that term? It’s been 10 years and virtually no one uses those anymore, which is odd, because nothing in this episode looks like 2004 to me.
T: 44:20 cue crying number three
M: Nope. My eyes are as dry as Nevada in August, here. I love when “live studio audiences” used to do that “wooooo!” thing when people kissed.
T: 44:57 I remember telling someone before the finale aired that the ‘we were on a break line’ was going to be in the finale, if not the last line. kudos for me being insane.
M: I mean it was probably me. We had a legitimate long-standing bet about the parentage of Rachel’s baby before it was revealed. So yeah, we’ve always been a bit over-invested in TV.
T: 46:00 Joey: ‘Has it always been purple?’ What fans were thinking at that exact same moment
T: 46:22 I didn’t know what rent control was so I legit only know what it is today because I looked it up after this finale.
T: 46:37 I couldn’t believe we also spent 10 years without knowing Ross had a background in dance.
M: Well, there was “the routine.” In my imagination it during the era when he was really into making those songs on the Casio keyboard.
T: 47:00 Love this key scene – even though they never locked the door (except for the time where Underdog Got Away). After the finale I found some desktop wallpaper that some fan had made that was a picture of the six keys in a circle on the counter that said ‘Leave the keys, take the memories’
T: 47:45 REAL FREAKING TEARS FROM EVERYONE RN INCLUDING ME AND ALSO I HAVE THE CHILLS
M: Okay I think I just felt something. Empty apartment. Ugh. I think every sitcom writers room should be required to watch certain really good finales before they can start writing theirs. Friends is on the list.
Final Thoughts: This series finale puts a perfect bow on top of the present which we call Friends (lame, whatevs). But really. This finale is proof that this show is one of the most revered sitcoms in TV history. In the original pitch for the show from creators Marta Kaufman and David Crane, the show (first titled Insomnia Cafe), they made it clear that this was going to be a series about friends and growing up in your 20s.
An excerpt from the original pitch:
It’s about sex, love, relationship, careers… a time in your life when everything is possible, which is really exciting and really scary. It’s about searching for love and commitment and security… and a fear of love and commitment and security. And it’s about friendship, because when you’re young and single in the city, your friends are your family. http://goodinaroom.com/blog/original-pitch-tv-show-friends/attachment/giar-blog-friends-pitch/
They stayed true to the original premise for all 10 years – even if you thought the later seasons were not funny. The finale was a culmination of what they’ve learned over the past decade; them growing up together, showing that they were able to get over the fear of love and commitment and security – because a decade later, they had it. It was the perfect time for them to start a new chapter of their lives with their own families and to finally say goodbye. Finales should be all about not only satisfying the characters in their own (fictional) lives, but maybe more importantly satisfying for the fans. And that’s exactly what the Friends finale did.
It’s finally here – the opening ceremony of the 2014 Winter Olympic Games! As two Olympics-obsessed bloggers, we could not let the occasion go by without a live blog. Join us at 7:30 EST for what is promised to be a magical journey through 1000 years of Russian history, followed by athletic people walking in stupid national outfits.
This live blog will have everything you could possibly want, from Hunger Games analogies, to a Spot The Gay Propaganda contest, to fun facts about your favorite and not-so-favorite athletes — so do yourself a favor and come back tonight! And be sure to follow us on Twitter during the ceremonies – @cookiessangria – for all the snark and fangirling that we can fit into 140 or fewer characters.
PS: Keep refreshing this page every 5 to 10 minutes or so for live updates!
ANNNDDD WE’RE OFF!
M: We open with shots of Russia, which looks so much warmer than it is here (in upstate NY). Suck it, Russia.
Highlights: those Russian dolls, ballerinas, VODKA, some sort of marmalade, snow, giant furry hats, soldiers goose-stepping… you know, the stuff you’d expect.
A voiceover informs us that “snow has become the (something) of the young.” I obviously missed a word there but I assume that it was something like “sworn enemy” or “thorn in the side,” if my experience is worth anything.
Who knows what the skater is who “skates like her name is her destiny?” If I skated like my name was my destiny, my name would have to be something like Always Falling or maybe Dolores. (Because Dolores means ‘pains.)
After that 7-minute intro, I feel like the kid in the theater when I went to see The Lion King in 1994, who asked “is it over?” at the end of the long-ass Circle Of Life Thing, when Rafiki lifted Simba up on pride rock.
Katie Couric is freezing. Bitch, you’re from New York. Wear a coat.
T: DID A WATCH COMMERCIAL ALMOST MAKE ME CRY? LIKE AN ACTUAL COMMERCIAL SELLING AN OMEGA WATCH. Ugh, the Olympics, I can’t.
M: They’re talking to Barack Obama! Aww Bummer. Billie Jean King isn’t there because her mom isn’t well, but they do bring up our favorite feature of the US Olympic tactic: our Coalition of our Finest Gay Athletes.
Speaking of which: gay athlete dream teams. Mine would definitely have Boitano and Billie Jean King, and I think I’m going to add Abby Wambach on there, definitely Jason Collins. Greg Louganis is gay, right?
T: Re: Pres Obama’s gay athletes speech, I’m just gonna leave this here.
M: How many of those tiny American flag lapel pins do you think Obama has? Just one that he rotates a lot? Or is it like when they’d show Doug Funnie’s closet, and he has a whole drawer full of the same thing?
T: I’d like to imagine he’s akin to Doug Funnie.
“We like to smile once in a while” Barry O throwing slight shade at Russian politicians.
M: Vladimir Putin makes that Freshman Boy In The First Row Of The Football Picture face, probably. Because that’s the manliest face I can think of.
T: If you missed it last night, Bob Costas explained that he has an infection in his left eye, which is why he’s wearing his glasses.
In other news, this is why I love the internet:
M: We’re talking to Maria Sharapova, who evidently used to live in Sochi. She’s revisiting her childhood favorites, including the Sochi Circus. I call shenanigans. Nobody likes the circus. Particularly not this circus, which has horrible dancing clowns and bears. Amazing somebody who was exposed to such horrifying Soviet Circuses in their formative years would grow up to be so normal with such a cute sweaters.
Also: “I’m going to become a roly-poly!” is my new favorite exclamation while eating some crazy sort of dinner.
Google docs just asked if by “horrifying” I meant “terrifying.” I MEANT WHAT I MEANT GOOGLE.
M: Gracie Gold was just interviewed. She looks like a porcelain doll.
T: J.R. CELSKIIIIIIIIIII MY BOY!!!!! FILIPINO PRYDE Y’ALL!!!
OK, He’s like tooooo young, but still so cute!
M: Is he the one they just called the “new Apolo Anton Ohno?” Because our 15-year-old selves might have a thing or to to say about that. [Readers: we had weird crushes on AAO during the Salt Lake City games, during an era when we were probably supposed to be into Justin Guarini or Aaron Carter.]
T: Yes, Yes he is. I wouldn’t say our AAO crushes were ‘weird’ PER SE. But I will share this excerpt from my LIVEJOURNAL of a brief convo Molly & I had on AIM around the ‘02 Olympics/AAO Fever.
M: Hey, as long as what you’re sharing isn’t a photo of us in the early 2000s, playing MASH in study hall with AAO as the ‘husband,’ that’s cool.
OH HEYY now you can all go back in time and instant message me on AIM!
T: Also: NEVER FORGET. AAO 4EVER IN OUR HEARTS
M: Speak of the ANGEL, AAO is a correspondent. He looks remarkably smooth faced. Was that creepy of me? Whatever. The soul patch is still there, though. The only thing worse than that facial hair configuration is the fact that it’s called a ‘soul patch.’’
ok this opening video with the creepy girl:
0:03 The montage opens with a small child, because every Olympics ever (well, London, Beijing, Sydney, off the top of my head) does that. It’s to remind us of a time when there was hope for the future, meaning that our chances of being an elite athlete hadn’t been dashed yet. By the age of 10 or so, it’s probably too late. Well, except with curling.
0:21 Oh no. They just mentioned the ABCs. Please tell me they’re not doing all of them?? How many letters does the Cyrillic alphabet have? Probably too many.
I was promised the history of Russia, so I’m waiting for the part when Rasputin does sketchy things with the Romanovs then turns into a bat (I last saw the Anastasia movie like 15 years ago, ok?), and also the Cold War. Oooh. I wonder how they’ll do Cold War? The Bolshevik revolution will be pretty cool, I bet.
Unless you’re royalty, of course.
0:31 Going from context clues here… is bychal water? Because hate to break it to you, Russia, but we have water.
0:44 RASPUTIN!!! … No. Wait. That was Dostoyevsky. Potato, Potahto. Same beard.
Old Russia wasn’t real big on beard conditioners I guess. That frizz.
0:55 Hedgehog in the Fog, in case you’re wondering, is a weirdly beautiful animated movie that was used to terrify small Soviet children.
Meanwhile in North America, children watch, like, Caillou and stuff.
CORN MOVING MACHINE? You’re reaching, Sochi.
RUSSIAN EMPIRE? Guys. One of your “things about Russia” can’t be Russia. Try again.
Also, does anyone know how far we are into the alphabet now? All of the letters look like drunk versions of letters I already know, so I don’t really have a handle on it.
1:20 Ahh, Kandinsky. You may know him from that one poster everyone had in their freshman year dorm. Not the black and white one with two girls making out. The other one.
1:41 Nabokov. Actually, let’s talk about Nabokov for a second. He’s probably one of my favorite writers, but there’s something a little unsettling about a prepubescent girl mentioning the author of Lolita, no? Also, “gay propaganda” (read: non-negative mentions of gay people) is outlawed, but the guy who brought us Humbert Humbert is one of the top 26-ish things about your country?
[Before anyone complains, I totally understand that Lolita doesn’t sanction pedophilia and I think it’s among the most influential fiction of the 20th century… but seriously Russia?]
1:55 They just did “space station,” which is about the 5th space thing we’ve done. We get it, Russia. You win. You win the Space Race. But that was 60 years ago, and now the medal race is on, bitches!
However: I do see how Russia dealt with the Cold War now. Good work, fellas.
2:00 SPUTNIK. Okay, guys.
2:05 Khokhloma – going on context, is it flower-print fabric? The -oma ending makes me think it may be some sort of cancer. I’m terribly sorry, Russia. You have khokhloma.
2:45 I truly and completely thought that Chagall was French. Ugh. Someone take me to a museum.
3:01 Nice little Ruslan and Ludmila reference there with the cat for Pushkin. Are we already past the part of the alphabet that has those nesting dolls or fancy eggs? Because those are two of my favorite stereotypical Russian things.
BRILLIANT.
3:11 LOVE? We have that too, Russia. That’s not a Russian thing. What is a Russian thing, though, is the mushroom cloud they use to illustrate love. Is that what Russian valentines are like? “You must be Chernobyl, because you catalyzed a policy of glasnost in my heart.” Also by my counts, Russia only acknowledges like … 75, 80% of love? Not a good enough track record to merit mention in the Olympics intro.
3:25 I’d like to point out that that was Eisenstein, the Russian director, that they just named, not Einstein, the German physicist. I see what you tried to do there, Russia.
3:37 And the last thing in the Russian alphabet is Russia! There are children wearing t-shirts spelling out Russia. Hope they’re standing in the right order.
M: This little girl is a “fearless acrobat.” No shit. She is flying through the air. The competitions haven’t started yet, but I think I have my Olympic hero.
We’re still at the “volcano and a lone horse” part of Russia’s history” so I think we have a while to get to the Space Race and stuff.
And does anyone remember the London opening ceremony? It looked a lot like this, down to the life-sized rustic village.
T: Definitely. Less ice, more grass.
Ok so I was briefly doing some research on the opening ceremony before our liveblog and this epic fail came up everywhere. Kinda wish I wasn’t spoiled for that but LOLZ to the max IRL.
“They waited for seven long years and this is what they’ve been waiting for this is where the olympics belong… This is what happens when youre this ambitious in a show like this.” THE SHADE MATT LAUER THE SHADE
M: Matt Lauer didn’t even TRY. Somebody’s still mad that he had to hide under his desk during nuclear bomb drills in grammar school. THANKS RUSSIA.
Also, these rings, even the ones that did open, look like those fake tattoo chokers/armbands that you could buy at The Icing or in vending machines in the early 2000s.
M Vladimir Putin looks a lot less manly when he’s wearing an overcoat and isn’t wrestling a rabid bear or whatever.
Is this the Russian national anthem? It’s been going on for like 10 minutes. I’ve been making up fake lyrics and singing along. Sample lyrics: “inside my staaacking dolls my vodka is theeere/ I drink it, I drink it, / I’m COLD!” Clearly I don’t remember much about Russia from all those Poli Sci courses.
T: Did that go on like a tad too long? Our National Anthem is like a minute long. that doll stacking song was approx 10. (okay, like 5)
M: Lauer just promised “Razmatazz”. Gay propaganda alert! By the way, we’ll be documenting instances of Gay Propaganda as they occur. Nice try, Russia. But congrats on all the Space you’ve been doing.
So, the athletes are entering in Cyrillic Alphabetical Order.
T: I’m loving this technology that makes it look like the athletes are coming out of their country from a projected map on the floor. HOWEVER, I feel like this is going to make the country intros very long…
T: What in the actual fuck are those lady volunteers holding the country names wearing? LADY GAGA??? GAY PROPAGANDA.
M: They’re obviously the Capitol residents of this Hunger Games.
Why hasn’t Andorra won an Olympic medal yet? Their knit woolens look so cozy and winter-y!
M: Let’s talk about all this techno for a second. I don’t think techno is a term any more. It’s like when old ladies call tv shows “programs” or “stories.” So this “house music,” whatever.
WAIT. Instead let’s talk about Bermuda’s bermuda shorts and knee socks. Brrrrr.
T: Is it embar that it didn’t occur to me until now that the country of Bermuda was the namesake/inspiration for BERMUDA SHORTS. Ugh.
M: Nope. Just occurred to me as well. Literally thought “why are they wearing Bavarian short pants?”
M: Hey, everyone. How’s your self-esteem? Pretty good? You feel like an okay, human-looking person? Well don’t look at the Brazil coalition, then. Damn Brazil. Their country’s main export is Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends.
T: Oh Venezuelan flag holder is NOT kidding around and he is literally jumping around waving the flag. You do you, Venzeuela.
M: He’s like the Roberto Benigni of flag wavers.
Life IS Beautiful, y’all.
M: Germany. GAY PROPAGANDA. Their uniform is a rainbow.
T: And Meredith Veira REALLY wants you to know that. NOT gay propaganda (probs gay propaganda)
M: I realize I probably called Meredith Veira Katie Couric earlier. In my defense, white ladies all look the same.
T: “If you’re asking yourself, ‘Are there any athletes competing from Staten Island, New York?’
NO ONE WAS WONDERING THAT, MATT LAUER. NO ONE IS EVER WONDERING THAT.
M: Also Matt Lauer, I think that the Israel people can stand near the Iran people. We’re all grownups here, it’s not like Israel stole Iran’s prom date and now they’re both invited to a mutual friend’s Sweet 16.
IRELAND. Step up your game. It’s called the emerald isle, not the baby-poop-green isle.
T: Are we to assume all Spainards are in Gryffindor, per their uniforms?
M: Yes, Spaniards are automatically sorted into Gryffindor.
M: And is it just me, or is Russia trying its hardest to make its image be “country run entirely by Slytherins?” I know you’re not all like that, Russia. Let your Hufflepuff out.
M: Aww Canada. Look at your toggle coats and toques. Makes me want to get a double-double from Timmy Ho’s and watch a Leafs game. (Hi, I basically live in Canada).
T: Legit said, ‘WHOA’ outloud when I saw a sea of Canadians. Robin Sparkles would be so proud.
M: In case you missed it, there are three French-Canadian sisters competing in skiing (or something like that) and I’ve basically decided that they’re the Haim of winter sports.
M: Latvia = Hufflepuff. There we go.
T: All we need are the Ravenclaws.
M: Greece? But no. Their shade of blue isn’t studious enough.
I’m sure everyone watching has already noticed this, but there’s a crawl along the bottom of the screen that shows you what countries are coming up so you know whether you have time to go get a snack or use the bathroom. I just noticed it.
M: “It’s a good time to bring Apolo Ohno back in” —> First smart thing Matt Lauer has said all night.
M: Mexico’s flag guy is, among other things, a pop singer known as “Andy Himalaya.” THAT WAS A TRUE THING THEY JUST SAID. He hung out with Andy Warhol.
T: That’s like Hannah Montana shit right there. Or more like if Cher decided to compete in the Olympics in like… lip-syncing and woman who most looks like a drag queen competitions.
M: I just decided my Andy Himalaya/ Hannah Montana name is going to be Molly Malawi. Also I see what you did with the gay propaganda there.
T: The guy from Nepal admitted he’s going to place last in cross country skiing… That’s the spirit!
M: Fun fact: I help teach English to a class that’s like 50% people from Nepal. Not a ONE of them gives a shit about the Olympics. Glad it goes for the athletes from there as well.
T: No. NO. Why would you ever use Sia’s Breathe Me in a commercial? I IMMEDIATELY START CRYING WHEN I HEAR THAT SONG. Thanks, Six Feet Under.
M: I was going to ask if it was for Six Feet Under reasons or just because of like, life feelings. Glad you clarified. And I agree.
T: I thought the show itself was meh, but it’s all worth it for that last like 10 minutes. And by ‘worth it’ I mean, ‘an ending that will make you cry like you’ve never cried before and think about your life and life choices and question everything’, then yeah, worth it.
M: Considering I’m the kind of person who will wake up in the morning and my first, fleeting thought will be something like “one day, me and everyone I love will grow old, if we’re lucky, and eventually nobody will know we existed”… I do NOT need to watch or think about that montage ever again. Thank God we’re back to the athletes in silly costumes and the ladies dressed like church windows carrying the country signs.
T: Matt Lauer just described the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding controversy in ‘94 “colorful”. Well that’s one way to put it.
M: Who are those two people dressed as human snowballs doing the “push it” dance? Just randos? Okay.
Poland seems to have an 11-and-a-half year old competing, judging by her braces. Ugh, youth.
M: Slovakia’s flag guy is roughly 7 feet tall. Meanwhile, my grandmother was Slovak and I’m so small that a bus driver thought I was a middle school student the other day. Not fair, but now I know which ancestors I can’t blame for my height issues.
T: Oh man I just got the chills. USA! USA! USA! I’m just gonna say it: Shaun White is hot now. The red carrot (or whatever the hell we were calling him in 2010) had the horrible hair but he looks sooo non-douchey now!
M: You can order Gracie Gold for 3 monthly payments of 39.99 from the Ashton Drake collection.
I am SO BUMMED for the girl who broke her leg yesterday, but I’m glad she made it to walk with the team. See, this is the real reason I’m not usually a huge sports person. When they showed the losing team at the end of the Superbowl, I had tears in my eyes. Basically our collective cry count for these games is going to be off the charts.
M: Anyone know who the athlete is with the enviable, Ron Swanson-y mustache? Or the lady with the Zooey Deschanel bangs? Or the one with the dip-dyed Gay Propaganda rainbow hair? This all makes me love America so much.
M: Chinese Taipei (read: Taiwan)’s uniforms are those big jackets they give you when you go on The Maid Of The Mist in Niagara Falls
T: Matt Lauer Fun Fact #205: There is no word for ‘ski’ in the Timor dialect.
M: Ukraine’s uniform looks like camo for if you were trying to hide in a field of Vera Bradley bags.
Finland is also hoping to catch a glimpse of the falls on The Maid of the Mist. Fun Fact: The Canadian side is better.
T: Go Philippines! I totally missed how many Filipino athletes there are. It’s very Cool Runnings to see them at the winter games.
M: Do you have any idea what they’re competing in? A Cool Runnings thing is possible, but I could sort of see the Philippines having like figure skating prodigies.
T: No idea. Let’s say biathalon. Or like… winter table tennis. Not a real sport.
M: Not YET. They just said those dancing snowball vest people have been dancing nonstop for the past hour. They zeroed in on one guy who looked like Rory and Lorelai Gilmore at the end of that dance marathon. Rough gig.
Matt Lauer just told us that YOLO means “ you only live once.” Shut up, Lauer.
M: Jamaican Bobsled Team!! We love them so much. I just want to give them all a hug (mostly, that one guy near the front could basically do whatever) (I mean what?).
T: ^What she said. Every word.
Okay, I’m saying it now: I want to go to Tokyo, 2020. Maybe by then I’ll be (34 YEARS OLD HOLY SHIT) and have enough funds and time off to go to Japan.
M: You know what? We’ve both been obsessed with the Olypics since like 1996. I think both of us need to make it happen at some point. By this point it’s safe to say we’ll never get there as athletes. Not that that was ever an option. I’m surprised I never failed gym.
ICYMI, the Russian men are wearing these light blue shearling-lined jackets with red slacks. I like it. The Russian women are dressed like Santa Clauses.
M: Now they’re doing the history of Russia thing. Really good production values. We’ve seen some Jesus-looking people, villagers, now we’re in powdered wig times. And we skipped right to some clean-cut Bolsheviks. Didn’t really get into that messy Romanov stuff. Basically bypassed World War II and the yuckier parts of the Soviet era. Saw some guys building bridges. And here we are today.
T: Apparently all (if not most) of these actors in the History of Russia video are super popular actors in the country. Can we just have the Games back in the U.S. so I can see a montage of Poehler as Martha Washington, Idris Elba as MLK Jr., Bryan Cranston as Walter White??
M: Tina Fey as Betsy Ross, Jennifer Lawrence as Eleanor Roosevelt, Oprah as herself…
T: WAIT GUYS. I saw this on Tumblr earlier and did I miss it or did NBC just fail to show this?!
M: I mean… it looks like that scene from Parks and Rec when they try to walk across the ice. Why didn’t we get to hear Matt Lauer’s opinions about that?
One of the greatest moments in TV history
Our girl Elisavetta/ Lubov is back. This child is going to have weird-assed dreams for the rest of her LIFE thanks to this. As in, I still sometimes dream that I’m back in a childhood production of something like Meet Me In St Louis and have to know all of my lines from 20 years ago. Imagine these visuals all up in your subconscious.
M: I cannot deal with this ship on the ocean thing that’s projected on the floor. It looks like a beautiful woodcut illustration. Okay, Russia. Good work.
There’s more goose-stepping, so if you’re drinking when you see a Russian stereotype you can go ahead.
T: The projections are so good I didn’t know if this Russian army of fake band players was real or not.
M: Now you have me wondering if everything has been a projection. It’s like the first Olympic games to take place in the Matrix.
T: THE PERSON WHO DESIGNED THE COSTUMES FOR THE MATRIX DESIGNED THE COSTUMES FOR THIS BALLET PORTION.
M: Consider my mind blown! This segment is probably a big part of my Olympics love. It’s technically a sports event, but I get to watch ballet and such. This War and Peace segment is just beyond.
M: And Russia REALLY out-Russias itself, with an ominous depiction of a “propaganda train,” which travelled delivering Bolshevik literature to peasants. Maybe Russia is a lot better than the U.S. at acknowledging ugly parts of their history? I mean we held our Olympics in ATLANTA for goodness sake, and I think our presentation of U.S. history was just like “we had an awesome revolution, and then we had some westward expansion, and now we’re AMERICA!”
[Obvi there are pros and cons of the changes wrought by the Bolshevik revolution but this is mostly a live blog with jokes and gifs, so…. that stuff is other places on the internet.]
T: I’m just thinking that that “propaganda train” is really making the Hunger Games parallel to new heights.
M: Yeah is this like a district 3 sort of thing with this manufacturing and cars and stuff? Are these Olympics the one where they make all of the old retired Olympians come back to compete?
T: Tick Tock This Arena’s a clock… (For those keeping score, we’re already mentioned Harry Potter, The Hunger Games and Roberto Benigni so far. Just to remind you what kind of blog we are.)
M: Just so we’re clear, the rush to the cauldron (it’s a cornucopia, don’t kid yourselves) is going to be BRILLIANT. My money’s still on USA but who knows, maybe Latvia’s scrappy this year.
T: Definitely sending J.R. Celski a sponsor gift…
T: You know, if Meredith, Matt, and rando guy I didn’t pay attention to who it was, weren’t telling us about the explanations of what’s happening and the history, I honestly think I’d be pretty lost. Not just for this opening ceremony, but for all across the board. Or like, just not have enough historical knowledge to understand why a giant steam train is flying in over head or why a little girl is floating in the air.
M: At the very beginning, they showed a portrait of some kind of queen, and my first thought was “hey, wasn’t she the one who died banging a horse?” so I’m right at your level. By the way, that story’s like a 300-year-old urban legend. Also, don’t Google “queen dying banging a horse”. Nothing good will come of it.
Russia has a low age of death for men, so Putin wants the birth rate to go up. Wait what? As a general rule, it’s best not to talk about a country’s official birth policies if you want them to seem all fun and charming.
Fun Fact: this Olympic chairman was born and raised in Michigan. This is just his Russian guy impression.
T: Update date on the Filipino athlete: His name is Michael Christian Martinez, he’s 17, a figure skater, and the first person to represent the Philippines since 1992!
M: Awww, he wasn’t even born then!
M: Can somebody transcribe this speech? On one hand it sounds like he’s seriously sticking it to Russia about the whole homophobia thing, but there was some nebulous wording in there. It sounds like he just said that we should not use the athletes to further our human rights agendas. He’s correct, of course. We should use them to sell shoes and cereal instead. Thank goodness we have these weird dancing jellyfish costumes now so we don’t have to think too hard.
T: I look away for like 2 minutes and suddenly it’s Finding Nemo on Ice out there.
M: Are they even dancing anymore, or just twirling around in their weird rope-light skirts?
T: Russia’s all, ‘we have your attention now. we showed you our propaganda train. we’re gonna do whatever the fuck we want now. that’s how it works in this country.’
Also, I feel like we need to pick who our potential Olympic crushes are this year. 2012 was all about Nathan Adrian:
M: How did I let myself forget about that? I’m guessing there will be some kind of muscly, attractive speed-skater? Or a skier? Sometimes the snowboarders can trend a little bro -y.
I’m sorry. Did they rent Cinderella from the Magic Kingdom of Euro Disney? Aww shoot. She’s singing that damn song.
T: But really, is this a traditional Russian ball gown? Hold up – Anastasia, she was Russian, right?
M: Yeah. RIP. (… or IS she r’ing in p?). Did Russia dress this lady like the dead Romanovs just to show that’s what they can do if they don’t like you?
This damn song. It doesn’t even have a discernible melody.
M: Yes, Russia. Yes. Congratulations on outer space.
M: On the serious, my inner six-year-old really wants these Lisa Frank jackets all of the torch passers have.
T: The fourth person to get the torch, Alina Kabaeva, is romantically linked to Putin. Please refer to the unicorn picture above for my reaction to this.
M: Whaaaat? I guess this shouldn’t be surprising.
You know, for a bunch of world-class athletes, everyone is jogging SOOOO SLOW.
T: Seriously. But also, this is why they have athletes do it. If you asked me to carry it (which, I mean I would), I’d still be near the Tron-like dancers taking my time and walking that shit at a leisurely pace.
Wasn’t there a year where there were problems with the torch lighting? Or is that just my constant fear every opening ceremony?
M: That definitely happened. Or maybe I’m thinking of the candles on most birthday cakes I’ve had instead. But I think it happened.
T: Ok there are like 10 minutes left – what happened to lesbian duo t.A.T.u??? I’ve been waiting all night to post this song that was a hit in 2002. By hit I mean, made the rounds on my mix tapes.
M: I think we have to seize the day. We have to post it now. But really, where is t.a.t.u? I saw them wearing weird plaid things on tumblr, I know they’re there.
T: Okay, apparently it’s not being aired in the U.S., only internationally. I mean come on, dozens of fans stateside are throwing their nesting dolls at the tv right now. But you can kinda watch it here.
M: Basically throwing a rotten Faberge egg at Putin right now. Or whoever is responsible for this. Was it you, Lauer? It was, wasn’t it?
On that note, Lauer’s calling it a night, Viera’s calling it a night, even Putin’s calling it a night (with his rumored paramore??), so we are too.
Thanks for joining us and keep an eye out for Olympic posts for the next couple of weeks. We’re covering a few sports and some fun other winter games-themed posts too!
We’re only a month out from Halloween, and it’s time to start live blogging some Halloween favorites from yesteryear! Unfortunately, there’s no good live blog pun having to do with Halloween. ‘Liveblog-oween?’ ‘Boo! It’s a Liveblog?’ Nothing.
Actually, that’s not entirely true. It’s just that ‘Liveblog-warts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry’ would take up too many characters on Twitter.
For my first selection, I will be liveblogging the seminal Halloween classic, Hocus Pocus. Hocus Pocus was released in 1993, so I’m documenting this both in commemmoration of its 20-year anniversary, and of my lost youth – truly, the scariest thing of all.
The curtain opens on sometime in yesteryear. 1600s? 1700s? But don’t worry, the boy (Elijah) has the patented Cute Teenaged Boy From The Mid’90s Haircut. You know the one.
Shhhh. You know what? I initially had the awkward drawing app I was using as an excuse for spelling beautiful like that. But I did it. I own it. Keeping the live in live blog.
He also has the patented Yesteryear Accent. Not quite American, not quite British – so, like the 1600s teen boy version of Katharine Hepburn.
Special Effect #1: There is purple smoke coming from the witches’ chimney. It looks like it was drawn on the frame with magic marker
I wonder if Bette Midler’s hairline is inspired by Queen Elizabeth I, assuming this is the 1600s. Then I realize that I am probably thinking about this way more than the art director of Hocus Pocus ever did.
Special Effect # 2: The glowing blue cauldron looks like dry ice over an LED bulb.
Elijah pours the cauldron on Kathy Najimy, Bette Midler, and Sarah Jessica Parker. It has turned green, but still looks like something out of a middle school’s production of Little Shop Of Horrors Junior.
The 90s Supporting Actress Sisters have killed (?) Emily, the boy’s sister, and are now young-ish and beautiful-ish.
The ladies do a spell, the boy becomes a cat, and I realize how much Sabrina The Teenage Witch has to owe to this fine film. It is possibly the same cat.
Sister Mary Patrick, The Rose, and Annie sing. It’s less good than you’d think.
The witches will be summoned by a virgin. For almost two decades (!), this movie has been inspiring 7-year-olds to ask awkward questions that their parents totally evade. Well, maybe that was just my parents.
The Modern Boy, Max, has the same 90s Hot Boy Hair as the 1600s Boy. He is wearing tie dye and has recently come from California. The early 90s were really into stereotyping Californian teens as peaced out, tye die wearing Haight Ashbury types. Dawn Schaffer, anyone?
Female lead – Alison – is sporting some serious Stevie Nicks style. She got off really easy for 1993 hair – narry a mall bang nor spiral perm in sight.
TV and movies have me believe that everyone else’s school had a thuggish bully and his dweeby toadie. Did everyone else’s school have those? Maybe mine did, and they just didn’t even know who I was. We meet Salem’s – Jay and Ernie, aka “Ice.”
We meet Dani, Max’s little sister, who I’m sure all of you remember is played by Thora Birch. Did you know that Thora’s parents are porn stars? That’s why she has a porn star name. My parents are Irish and named me Molly, Thora’s are porn stars and named her Thora. It’s all about heritage.
Max declares that he is dressed as “a rap singer.” He is wearing an LL Bean looking-shirt, some Eddie Bauer-looking jeans, sunglasses, and a Gap baseball hat. Max’s father advises him that his hat should be backwards. Never change, 1993.
The symbol on Max’s hat is backwards. Did Lifetime reverse the image for this movie? Or was a backwards G the style of the time?
Dani cries on a pile of hay. The hay pile has lit pumpkins on it. The people in this town are such dum-dums, they deserve to get haunted by three witches.
I’m not talking about the acting during Dani and Max’s heartwarming sibling chat, because if you can’t say anything nice…
Max and Dani are at Allison’s house. From the outside, it looks like my parents’ normal-sized house, but from the inside, it’s an enormous colonial mansion. They’re having a 18th century costume ball and Allison looks like a teen Felicity Merriman.
Allison has changed into a cozy, but boxy and unflattering oatmeal colored sweater. Here’s what I want to do. I want to get a screenshot of every outfit like this from the movie. Then, I want to start a tumblr. I’m going to call it You Weren’t There, You Wouldn’t Understand. Every time one of those teen girls posts “90s” fashion on her tumblr, I’m going to tag her so she can see how dopey most of this shit really was. And if she asks me why, I’ll tell her “you weren’t there, you wouldn’t understand.”
Or actually. Teen girls on the internet are already talking about how to look like her. I just can’t understand anybody who wasn’t alive for Beanie Babies.
Inside the haunted house, Fake Salem jumps out and then the house does some special effects at us. Dani informs us that the house is going crazy because a virgin lit the candle. Busted, Max. Although, he’s about 15 years old and dressed like Marshall Darling from Clarissa Explains It All. I think Allison probably figured.
Sister Mary Pat calls Dani a “shiksa baby.” So the witches are … Jewish? Now’s as good a time as any to mention that everyone in this whole movie is white.
Bette Midler’s mouth in this looks just like Lady Gaga’s mouth in real life. It’s a tiny pursed bunny mouth.
OH MY GOODNESS YOU GUYS. “Lasers” are shooting out of Bette’s hands and it looks like it was drawn on in post-production in Gel Pen.
Come on. You can juuuust barely tell which ones I drew on with my thumb using a free drawing app.
The witches will turn to dust in the morning if they don’t use some kind of potion that sucks the youth out of children. So basically, David The Gnome. By the way, in the event I ever end up circle-shaped, I’m just going to say screw it and dress like one of the gnome wives on David The Gnome.
Max: “We’re talking about three ancient hags vs. the 20th Century!” Hahaha remember the 20th century? Our phones were attached to walls. If you got lost, you had to find a map, read it, then re-fold it, or talk to a human. When you wanted to know what happened to a washed-up celebrity, you had to write a letter to this column that appeared in the U.S.A. Today Weekend section. I’m going Team Three Ancient Hags. If we were to ever add a third to the blog, that’s what we’d change the name to.
The kids are now in the Salem Crypt, which attaches to the sewer. So in Salem, when you die you are more or less flushed down the toilet like a goldfish (people who are reading this who know me IRL: I want to be cremated because I don’t think dead people get to own land, and also because I’ve seen just enough episodes of Bones to know that shit gets real dicey, real fast. What I really want is for them to find a way around the whole dying thing before I get to it, though.)
Sometime in this whole hullabaloo, Carrie Bradshaw has straightened her hair.
The witches get scared of a bus, and I have to admit it: the whole trope when people from the past get scared of mundane modern stuff never gets old for me. Like, I am the one person who liked The Village. Should I be watching Sleepy Hollow? (I’m totally going to watch the 2 eps of Sleepy Hollow today)
Dani calls Max a virgin in front of a cop. Yep, little sibs embarrassing their older siblings by accident is another lame trope I kind of adore. Max says “yeah, I’ll get it tattooed on my forehead, ok”, but he is wearing Male Mom Jeans, and that means he will never have to.
The witches meet a lady who is wearing hair curlers, possibly as part of a disheveled housewife costume, but more likely because she’s really a disheveled housewife. I’m sort of bummed that nobody sleeps in curlers in earnest anymore. Lost art and all that.
Dani tells her mom what’s going on, and as always, begins her spiel with “Max is a virgin.” Ha. Thora Birch’s parents are porn stars.
By the way, the mom is dressed as cone bra-era Madonna. Post that note to You Weren’t There, You Wouldn’t Understand.
Musical number! Finally! It includes a weird cheer-type thing in the middle and for a moment, I feel like I’m listenting to Hollaback Girl or Mickey.
I’m looking at Bette’s buck teeth and I have to get something off my chest. In second grade, there was a girl in my dance class. She had buck teeth and her name was Allison. In my head, I referred to her as Buckingham Alice. I was seven. SEVEN. I wish live blogs had been invented then. I was such a charming little girl.
Max tells the cat “man, you can’t keep blaming yourself for that. It happened so long ago!” The cat’s talking about Emily’s demise, but Max’s advice sounds just like so many 20-something guys when they are drunk and get going talking about a lost love.
Dani makes another reference to Max’s virginity, following the comedy rule of ‘if your movie has one funny thing, you can keep repeating it as many times as you need to.’
The bully and his lackey are back, and I have no idea whether Ice’s outfit is a costume or 1993 dress. It’s sort of this orange thing that maybe is supposed to be a pumpkin, or maybe is part of that Kente cloth thing that was happening for a while. Do you want to chime in, girls who were born in 1998? Well, don’t. You weren’t there. You wouldn’t understand.*
*(Bam. Rule of threes.)
Max wakes up next to Allison. MAX WAKES UP NEXT TO ALLISON. But – ew – the witches’ creepy book is watching them. And Dani is in the room. And they’re both wearing a crazy amount of clothing (seriously, was it even possible to undress in an attractive way in 1993, with all those flannels and waffle weaves?). AND Max’s alarm clock looks like some kind of a rubix cube. So, all of that points to him still being a virgin. Or Allison being into some sick shit.
Fake Salem jumps onto the Witch Book while Max and Allison are reading it. Most realistic thing in the movie thus far. Cats are a bunch of book-blocking douchebags, when you really get down to it.
Bradshaw is singing, something about her Garden Of Magic, because this movie is just entendres on entendres. The song sounds almost identical to Once Upon A December from Anastasia.
Bette has Dani tied up, and Dani shouts “It doesn’t matter how young or old you are! You sold your soul!” Can I get a sound file of that on my phone? Earlier today I was Groupon-hunting for chemical peels or something to make me look less like I’m slowly decaying from the inside, and I think maybe if I played that clip whenever I pulled stuff like that it would make me stop.
This one zombie helps them. He hides Dani in a grave, and you know who I want to be, out of everyone in this whole tale? Dani’s therapist, 20 years in the future. He or she must be very rich.
That one zombie’s head falls off. He takes it pretty much in stride, which is amazing considering I lost a huge handful of hair in the shower this morning and I STILL feel kind of iffy about it. He hasn’t been getting much screen time because zombies weren’t as trendy back then.
Bette’s still all pissed because Dani called her ugly. Some people really do never move past junior high, huh? If I were a witch and someone called me ugly, I’d just be all “well, I’m a witch, I do what I want.” Or really, even if as a person someone called me ugly, I’d just be all “well, I’m a witch, I do what I want.”
Max is sort of 1/3 of the way to being see through, and he looks exactly like a kid who would be on the cover of a Fear Street book.
Dani calls her brother jerkface. Good, but not great. Anyone else do compound-insults with their siblings? My brother and I used to go back and forth: Stink festival, Crap factory, Dork-Con 2000. We were in high school at the time.
Fake Salem becomes a boy and heads off with Emily, but not before really creepily kissing Dani on the cheek.
The film closes on little Dani looking off into the sunset. It’s 1993, and in just 6 short years, we’ll all see her boobs in American Beauty. Everything is gross.
A note: if you like our fictional tumblr from this post, you’ll love our post this upcoming Friday! But there are plenty more 90s posts between now and then, so why don’t you just come back every day instead?
Cookies + Sangria 