Miley Cyrus, Her Dead Petz, and Me

On Sunday, Miley Cyrus returned to the MTV Video Music Awards doing exactly what she’s been doing for the past couple of years, which is do weird shit, wear basically nothing, and talked about smoking pot. Then she ended her gig by announcing she was pulling a Beyonce and released an entire album for free on the website: MileyCyrusAndHerDeadPetz.com. Naturally, my first instinct was to listen to it just for the sake of the blog. To borrow a catchphrase from Vine – Do It For The Blog.

If Miley’s not your cup of tea, but you’re still a little curious as to what her sound is like post post-Party in the USA, here are my thoughts upon listening to this album for the first time. God Speed. To myself, I’m saying that too, because, I mean, come on.

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Track 1: Dooo It!

I feel like all of these titles are stream of consciousness already. If you watched the VMAs, you saw that Miley ended the show with her own performance of a new song, and this was it. The lines repeated over and over again are: “Yeah I smoke pot, yeah I love peace, but I don’t give a fuck, I ain’t no hippie”. When I watched her sing this, I felt high, and listening to it without a visual component isn’t any different. Then the song ends with: “Why they put the dick in the pussy? Fuck you!” Why so harsh, Tai?

Track 2: Karen’t Don’t Be Sad

My friend once had a friend Karen who was kinda like that one person of the group that was almost an outsider and whenever he’d tell stories about her, we’d always joke, ‘Who’s Karen?’, despite the fact he’d mention her a lot. Also, I’d never met Karen, so I was starting to think she wasn’t real. Anyways, that’s my first thought going into this song. It starts off sounding like a ballad, and it’s like a cautionary tale of Miley telling Karen not to ‘hang out with those fools’. It almost has a tone as one of those 60s songs that Frankie Valli sang about a young love. Except Miley really doesn’t want Karen to “let them win”.

Track 3: The Floyd Song (Sunrise)

If you’ve been following Miley’s life, you know she was hit with a devastating blow a year or so ago when her beloved dog Floyd died. Miles legit had a breakdown on stage because she was so heartbroken, but she’s managed to take that sadness and put it in a song. It’s not a complete bummer of a track (despite the line, ‘Death take me with you’), more so a melancholy tribute to a dog that made her really happy when he was alive. Also, her voice sounds overproduced and autotuned, more so than usual. And Miley doesn’t even have a horrible voice – have your heard her cover of Jolene?

Track 4: Something About Space Dude

I don’t know what I expected, but I guess I didn’t expect that the album (so far) would be mid-tempo tracks. Is this what it’s like for Miley when she’s high? Feeling like she’s in space and hearing random musical notes strung together to form a song?

Track 5: Space Boots

Oh, it’s another Space track. “There’s probably a rainbow, but I don’t care because all the colors left with you.” Lost love over a human or a pet? My assumption is a pet because of the record title, however she mentions she gets bored when said person isn’t there to smoke with her. And how this person is in their Space Boots. She later confirms it’s a Space Dude – from the previous song? She really misses this Space Dude, guys.

Track 6 {Interlude}: Fuckin Fucked Up

First of all, props for the title. It’s honest and to the point, I respect that. She starts off by saying, “Alright this is really fuckin fucked up but…” then stops talking.

Track 7: BB Talk

Wait, she picks back up with the “Alright this is really fuckin fucked up but… I was sleeping next to one dude and I was dreaming about another dude and I was cringing being next to him” or something like that. So “BB Talk” isn’t going to be a cutesy wutsy song about yo bae, then? Also, her voice is so deep? I never noticed just how deep it is. She starts singing to the more upbeat instrumentals, which I can actually get into now. It’s moved on to more of 90s-sounding jam where she belts the chorus then speaks the verse… I wanna say Enya-esque, but that can’t be right. “Your BB Talk is freaking me out… I’m feeling like I’m gonna vomit… Fuck me so you stop BB talking” HAHAHA “I’m not a fucking dumb ass bitch. I hate all that PDA.” WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUTTT? “I like when you send me the queen emoji but when I send back the monkey emoji with the hands over the eyes it means she’s just getting a little too weird for me.” This song is hilarious.

Track 8: Fweaky

Mike Will Made It. Lit’rally. And she mentions being in Space again. Take a shot, y’all. And smoking a bowl. Take a shot, y’all. “Shit’s about to get real fweaky, I can feel it. Don’t you worry, you won’t regret it.” Then like a million ‘Na na nas’ and that’s the entire song.

Track 9: Bang Me Box

Mike Will Made this one too. I already really like this beat, no shade. It actually sounds like a real non-Miley high song that could maybe make the cut on a real label-made album. Albeit she’s talking about exactly how she wants her partner to “bang her box” (she’s down for literally anything), but it sounds good.

Track 10: Milky Milky Milk

I hate this already. Someone (not Miley?) is creepily saying “The milky milky milk” as if they’re Boris from Rocky & Bullwinkle or Snidely Whiplash. The bass is too much, which makes me feel like a completely Ethel. Oh god she says ‘sucking on my nipples’ I cannot.

Track 11: Cyrus Skies

The title of this makes me think it’s an ode to her family. Because in between the tribute songs to weed and sex, she needs to include Billy Ray. Yet, I don’t actually think I’m correct, since it sounds like someone is slowly dragging Miley through a desert as she sings the lyrics, “I’ve been alive, but I’ve a liar.”

Track 12: Slab of Butter (Scorpion) featuring Phantogram’s Sarah Barthel

Beginning line: “I’m bout to get fucked up get fucked up.” For those of you listening at home, not only did Mike Will Make It but “slab of butter” was also uttered repeatedly in Milky Milky Milk, but I chose to ignore it because I felt awk sauce during that song. This track sounds part like Look At Me Now, part video game spider, whole parts sequel to Milky Milky Milk. I thought Miley was vegan?

Track 13 {Interlude}: I’m so Drunk

These are nothing compared to the best interludes of all time on Justin Timberlake’s FutureSex/LoveSounds.

Track 14: I Forgive Yiew

Mike Will Made It. Take a shot. Who is Miley forgiving? The dude talking BB talk to her? In which case, character development. PS Miley is really into speaking/typing like ‘yiew’ and ‘fweaky’. Just gander at her Insta or Twitter. It’s nearly intelligible. Kind of like this album.

Track 15: I Get So Scared

Miles is showing off her vulnerable (emotion-wise) side re: a failed relationship, about how she gets so scared that she’ll “never get over you”, and “none of their plans coming true”. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LIAM, BECAUSE  I THINK YOU ARE, BUT IDEK ANYMORE.

Track 16: Lighter

Mike Will Made It. Take a shot. Now she’s comparing a paramour to her “lighter”, because weed. But I’m feelin this song, it’s like we’ve moved back into 80s synth pop a bit, and this is a love song that would play in the middle of a Brat Pack movie as Molly Ringwald’s gentleman caller is realizing he might have feelings for her after all.

Track 17: Tangerine featuring Big Sean

I have high expectations for this, Big Sean. Instead I feel like this should’ve been pushed forward up in the “We’re in Space” portion of the record. Not only do I feel Spacey listening to it, but I feel like I’m about to fall asleep. At least Big Sean’s verse is good. He’s gettin in those Frank Ocean vibez in.

Track 18: Tiger Dreams featuring Ariel Pink

Am I going crazy have I been listening to this album for too long because this sounds exactly the same as the last song, except it’s approx 20 minutes longer. “Such a weird fucking dream” = How I feel about this entire record.

Track 19: Evil is but a Shadow

I’m listening to this real hard but I still don’t get why Evil is but a Shadow. Woof, guys. This album is longer than I thought/wanted it to be. It’s also much more of a downer that I thought/wanted it to be. I guess that’s my bad because it does have “dead petz” in the title.

Track 20: 1 Sun

Oh finally another upbeat song! Kind of. It has depressing lyrics, like, ‘We only have a little bit of time’. Miley wants us to wake up because the Earth is crying and the clouds are dying. MAYBE ONE DAY THERE WON’T BE RAINBOWS. This is Miley’s cautionary tale about global warming and climate change. Take note, kids – if you didn’t pay attention during the Disney Channel Send It On days, you better be doing shit to save the world now.

Track 21: Pablow The Blowfish

Pablow The Blowfish didn’t know what a cloud is because he was a blowfish. Who has since died. This is Miley’s Blowfish tribute song. Dead Petz. Call me insensitive, but this is almost too contrived that I have to laugh. She’s literally saying “Pablow the Blowfish I miss you so much” and something about going to dinner and “someone chose sushi”. Miley got soup and rice, but “watching my friends eating my friends ruined my appetite”. She also suggests Pablow meets a dead seahorse to impregnate somewhere. Then she starts crying. Ugh.

Track 22: Miley Tibetan Bowlzzz

Oh Lord is this just going to be Miley playing a Tibetan singing bowl the entire time??? The answer is yet, but also, a lot of ‘ahhh ahhhh ahhhss’.

Track 23: Twinkle Song

“I had a dream David Bowie told us how to skateboard, but he was shaped like Gumby… WHAT DOES IT MEAN? ::literally screaming this in caps::” Stop yelling at me gurl.

Conclusion:

Don’t waste your time playing this whole album. Listen to 7 and 16. And maybe 21 because you have to hear it to believe it. One thing we can all agree on – she’s just being Miley.

 

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What to Expect at the VMAs

The 31st annual MTV VMAs are this Sunday, and as the years go on, the older I feel and the less I care about who wins. When I was growing up, I feel like the VMAs was the biggest award show of the year. Like the Oscars for teens, if you will. This might have been partly to do with the fact I was obsessed with BSB and needed them to win every award over ‘N Sync (for the record, this is the third time this week I’ve mentioned BSB. I’m not usually this hardcore). But it was also the days of Courtney Love throwing things, Britney & ‘N Sync performing together, and Diana Ross giving a love tap to Lil Kim’s one boob. Now it’s all about twerking and meat dresses. Ugh I’m starting to sound like Drunk Uncle. But I’m assuming the main reason a lot of people tune in to the VMAs is just to see what ridiculous things could possibly happen. So what’s in store this year? Probably a lot of things that will make you question where your youth went. If you’re thinking of tuning in on Sunday, here’s a few things to look out for so you know what you’re in for.

Girl Power

Everyone’s favorite female Australian rapper whose name sounds like a flower, Iggy Azalea, is tied for Beyonce with the most nominations at eight, and there’s no doubt Iggy will be walking away with at least one of them. It’ll also be a big night for Ariana Grande who is nominated for four VMAs – all of which are for Problem with Iggy. You know who doesn’t have a problem? These two. GET IT??

Crying, because, Sam Smith

All hail the male Adele! I’ve loved Sam Smith ever since the first time I heard Latch last year, and I’m so glad he’s doing so well for himself. Performing on the VMAs is big for any artist, but when you’re a British nobody one year and 365 days later you’re on stage for one of the most talked about awards shows of the year, it’s a big deal. I’m probs going to cry because I have a soft spot for success stories. Also, I have a lot of feelings.

Something Ice Bucket Challenge Related

Apparently there’s no host for the main show this year, but someone is bound to make some kind of reference to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Perhaps Nicki Minaj challenging Iggy? Demi nominating Taylor Swift? Every celebrity in the audience should just pull out $10 bucks and a giant bucket of ice water should just pour over them from the rafters.

Already Being Over Taylor Swift’s Pop Phase

Taylor is performing on Sunday, and one can only assume she’ll be debuting her new single Take It Off for the first time live. I already divulged my thoughts about her new pop record, but seeing it in all its glory will take T Swizzle to a whole new level. That level is not necessarily good.

Referencing Miley’s Twerking

Miley is officially confirmed to return to the VMAs after her shitshow of a performance last year, because MTV bosses are gluttons for punishment. It doesn’t really matter if she’ll be performing or presenting – either way, Miley is going to make her presence known and make sure you don’t forget it – just like her twerking.

Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda Don’t Want None

If the Television Parents Council or whoever always gets their panties in a bunch over the oversexualizing of celebrities onscreen need something to complain about this year – it will probably be over this. Nicki’s video for Anaconda is already risque, so imagine it on the stage in front of a live audience. Butt. There will be a lot of butt.

Bey Being Bey

The Queen is receiving this year’s Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. If you recall from last year, Justin Timberlake won the same award, with a 15-minute medley of his best songs, including that epic ‘N Sync reunion. So will Bey be able to top it? I believe B is able to do anything she puts her mind to, but it’ll be a close call. If you watch anything from the VMAs, watch this.

Still Figuring Out Who 5 Seconds of Summer Are

So they’re a real band? They’re not even that cute? But the tweens love them? IDGI.