Best of C+S 2014: Paltrow-Worthy Pinterest Divorces

We’re into our second week of our Best of Cookies+Sangria series, and we’re taking time to remember the conscious uncoupling that was Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. With Gwyneth the Goop herself at the center of all this, one can only imagine just how pretentiously beautiful the divorce will be.


Actress and lifestyle expert Gwyneth Paltrow is getting separated. Excuse me – consciously uncoupled, rather – which, in case you’re wondering, is the sound that the word “separated” makes when spoken from very far up your own ass.

Even though her soft piles of money probably ease the experience a little, the fact is that splitting up is never easy —  and is even more unfortunate for a family with kids. But I got to thinking about Paltrow’s brand, too. GOOP is a lifestyle website/store/thing that teaches you how to live like a rich macrobiotic WASP-y lady. That is: beautifully.

Folks who don’t make GOOP-level bank look to Pinterest to beautify their lives with a little less Nordstroms and a little more D.I.Y. Sadly, some of those first folksy burlap-and-lace Pinterest weddings have probably resulted in some less-beautiful divorces conscious uncouplings by now. So the question is: if you’re a person who carefully curates every detail of your life to Etsy-level twee perfection, how do you divorce with style? What kind of cupcakes? HOW MANY MASON JARS?

Here’s how I think a Paltrow-worthy Pinterest divorce board would look – the sad but real end to many a Pinterest wedding:


But that’s not all! Try these other GOOP-y pins to cutify your split:

  • A divorce party … with a photobooth!
  • Have your attorney wear Bluegrasss-y suspenders
  • Everyone at the child support hearings sits on hay bales
  • How to eat your feelings? Gluten-free cupcaaaaakes!
  • Out-of-context quotes from Dr. Seuss and Winnie-the-Pooh
  • Repurpose your used tissues into seasonal art or faux flowers
  • A baby wearing an absurdly large head-decoration
  • Burn his stuff in a bonfire – AND make gourmet s’mores over the embers!
  • Keep track of your attorney and realtor appointments in a ‘bulletin board’ made from an old barn window
  • When the divorce is finalized, have your friends greet you outside of the courthouse with sparklers!
  • After your S.O. cheats, construct some rustic signage outside of the house telling him exactly where he can go!
  • Not speaking? Communicate through adorable chalkboard slates!
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Subscription Boxes That Should Probably Exist

Subscription boxes are the way to go if you’re a lazy or indecisive gift-giver. Instead of picking one gift – that the person may or may not like – you pick a theme or service they’ll be into, and let someone else handle the specifics. If they don’t like what comes in their box one month, it’s not on you – and they get something else next month, anyway. But it’s not as easy a gift as you might think, because there are about 49,000 different subscription box companies right now. Still, I thought of a few that – to my knowledge – don’t exist yet. But they should.

Nostalgly

Every month, recipients get a box full of items sure to spark nostalgia. Here’s how it works: you give the company your gender and date of birth. That’s it. Let’s say you’re a lady born in 1986, because hey, that seems like a good year to be born in. One month you’d get a 1995 box. It would have pogs, a copy of Disney Adventures magazine, maybe a Deep Blue Something single. One month would be the Year 2000 box, and your 1986-er would get Y2K glasses, a set of butterfly clips, perhaps a stretchy tattoo choker. But someone who was born in 1995 (and is thus old enough to order things with a credit card, sorry ’86 babies) would get an entirely different box for the year 2000, because they were 5 then: a miniature Bratz doll and a Junie B. Jones book, for instance.

Nobody steal this one, because if I had the start-up capital I would totally do this.

Googlify

This one takes a bit of trust with your most personal of personal information – your Google history. You’d give the company access to your Google search history for the month (already accessing your Google search history: every company on the internet, probably, so what’s there to lose?). They will stock your box with personally-selected treasures relating to the stuff you’re obviously obsessed with, even if you’ve been keeping it between you and Google. Did you fall down a Google hole looking at unsolved cold cases? Voila – a bunch of true crime books!  Or maybe you’ve been sucked into the crafty mommy blogger vortex. You’d receive a twee apron and some craft supplies.

Blogsie

After either listing your favorite blogs (aww, you shouldn’t have!) or filling out a profile of what sort of things you’re into, every month you get a bound, printed collection of the best posts so that you can read them on paper like a civilized human from yesteryear. Face it, blog content is better than magazines half the time anyway. So, sort of like Rookie Yearbook, but from a bunch of different sites and not imbued with the magic of Tavi. I understand that all of this content is free online, but the whole crux of subscription boxes is curating and delivering items to subscribers and marking up the price. Oh, and giving it a stupid, cutesy name with a suffix like -ly or -ity or -sy.

Pupsididoo

What’s better than owning a dog? Borrowing a puppy! They’d obviously have to do some sort of a background check on you. Then every month, you get a new puppy fitting your household needs! This would be a tie-in with a pet fostering organization, and it’s win-win: they get people to foster their pups, you get to play with a tiny dog for a month, no strings attached. Of course, if you and the puppy become best friends forever, there’s an option to make the dog part of your forever family at the end of the month.

Shame-ity

Do you have trouble looking your cashier in the eye when you’re buying anything a little … you know, personal? Well we live in the internet age, and you don’t have to! It works like this. If you have any chronic embarrassing shopping needs, you can say that in your profile. Maybe you need to buy stool softener or pregnancy tests every month. It’s none of my business. You can have them shipped right to you! If you don’t have anything particular in mind, you can have an assortment of potentially embarrassing purchases shipped to you every month so that you never have to run out to the store at the last minute for lice shampoo or industrial-strength deodorant.

Pinteristapinterest

Hooked on Pinterest? Give this company access to your boards, and every month you’ll get the materials to make a few of the projects that you – let’s be honest – otherwise would have pinned then left to languish. You can even request items relating to specific boards if you need someone to light a fire under your butt to create a Pinterest-perfect wedding or nursery.

My Secret Mormon Mommy Blogger Fantasy Life

Nobody lives like Mormon mommy bloggers – not even Mormon mommy bloggers. Their whole life looks like it’s on purpose. If your blogroll includes a few of these Etsy-shopping, organic waffle-making, cute apron-wearing ladies, you know what I mean. If there were a way to engineer a lifestyle where I was a Mormon Mommy Blogger without actually having to be Mormon or a mommy, I’d be down. That doesn’t seem possible, so instead I can’t help but fantasize about an alternate universe in which I was born in Provo, have 8 siblings, and run an online children’s stationery shop while raising impeccably-dressed kids.

For starters, if I were a Mormon Mommy Blogger … I’d be Mormon. That part doesn’t really interest me — except for the crisp white underwear onesies, which seem so pristine and wholesome that they’re like the underwear equivalent of having fresh farm milk delivered in glass bottles to your door — so let’s move on. I’d be a “mommy,” though, and by my late 20s I could have quite a collection of them: Jasper, Oliver, Clyde, Florentine, and Birdie. Or Wren. I haven’t decided on the last one for sure. Unlike real children, they’d never wear anything with licensed characters on it. Instead, the boys would look like Mumford sons and the girls would dress like cats from a Richard Scarry book.

All together now: Ain’t no collar like a Peter Pan collar cause a Peter Pan collar don’t pop

Speaking of outfits, if I were a Mormon Mommy Blogger, I’d also dress like a cat from a Richard Scarry book. I assume there would be a lot of stuff from Anthro and Modcloth in my closet. But as a proper Mormon Mommy Blogger, I’d probably have a Mormon Mommy Blogger friend with an Etsy shop who gives me free clothes in exchange for plugs. I bet I’d like that part. I would be really into statement necklaces and, I think, hair accessories. Every day I’d look like a baby from one of those newborn photoshoots where they stick big stuff on their head.

When accessorizing, think to yourself: “What would a baby from Etsy do?”

My color palette would best be described as “Wes Anderson-y” or “Deschanelesque.”

If I were a Mormon Mommy Blogger, I’d cop to flaws to seem more human, like the leading lady in a rom-com who is beautiful and accomplished, but also trips a lot. For instance, maybe I’d be a little too obsessed with some type of cute dessert. It couldn’t be Hostess Snowballs or vending machine ice cream sandwiches or anything that you can picture coating your insides with First World Diseases. It could be gelato or some sort of attractive donut, though.

My fatal flaw: I love eating a single, picturesque macaron after a long day shopping for cute fabrics that I definitely know what to do with.

That’s as bad as it can get, because you can’t be gross and be a Mormon Mommy Blogger (I mean your kids and your dog can, and you probably write about that, but it’s different). In contrast, I do things like realize that I haven’t cleaned the rim of my aluminum water bottle until a film of orange sludge has developed. I bet Mormon Mommy Bloggers’ lunch bags don’t smell like a dead man ate a bunch of fruit then farted into it- and if they did, they wouldn’t tell you that. Besides, they eat lunch at home, on Depression glass.

The best part about being a Mormon Mommy Blogger would be the house. It would look like an undergrad design major’s aspirational Pinterest (the board is called “Someday…”, with ellipses). I’m thinking it would be a mid-century ranch or a converted 1890s schoolroom, but anything pre-1970 will do in a pinch. Mormon Mommy Bloggers do not have wall-to-wall carpeting. They do, however, have chevron, birds, and owls. I’m sure one of my talented friends would sell hand-lettered wall hangings, so I’d score some of those.

As a Mormon Mommy Blogger, I’d be so precious that I’d have a lot of household items of limited use. Grapefruit spoons, cherry pitters, summer lap blankets, a tiny ceramic mortar and pestle for grinding chia seeds – they’d all be indispensable. We’d have some sort of a twee weekend breakfast tradition, like crepes while reading the Sunday morning comics (it’s not a big deal or anything, but we have a crepe maker). In this universe, I’d be entertained by Sunday morning comics. It would be so cute to be into Nancy or Dick Tracy, but I just can’t. I wouldn’t really “get” Dilbert, but then again, who does?

Oh, to be the kind of adult woman who thinks this is funny. Fun fact: my new niece is named Lulu and everyone over the age of 45 says “oh, like Little Lulu!” so apparently there’s an audience for this?

Somewhere between running my home business and raising children named after old men or wildlife, I’d also do a lot of stuff just for fun. I’d throw parties that are on purpose — theme-y ones, like in the summer we’d all go outdoors with mason jar lanterns and paint silhouette portraits and make root beer floats (can I have rootbeer? better check), or in the winter, a sledding party with a cookie component. The soundtrack would be all adorable ladies with ukuleles, or some artist I’m into who predates the British Invasion. Buddy Holly, maybe.  Of course we’d all play with the dog a lot. The dog has a different surname from our own for some reason, like Mr. Wadsworth or Boots McIvins. Basically anything that sounds like it could be one of those stripper or soap opera names you’d construct in junior high using your grandma’s middle name and your first street. I’d have a hobby – probably photography. In my Secret Provo Life, I’d post a lot of pictures taken in natural light highlighting my freckles. I mean, I have more freckles than anybody I’ve ever seen, but in this world I’d be into having them. It would be like my thing. I have to be positive, because Ruby-Faye has them too. Wait, what were the kids names again?

I’m not saying I’m going to go Single White Female on a Mormon Mommy Blogger, although I’m also not saying not that, if you know what I mean (I don’t).  Mormon Mommy Bloggers are doing what everyone with an online presence does — editing out the boring or unattractive bits of life and painting a nice picture. But you have to admit, they paint it ten times more adorably than any of the rest of us can manage. I’m pretty sure their lunch satchels still smell like fruit farts though, even if the fruit is organic, local, and probably cut into the shape of other fruits somehow.

 

Paltrow-Worthy Pinterest Divorces

Actress and lifestyle expert Gwyneth Paltrow is getting separated. Excuse me – consciously uncoupled, rather – which, in case you’re wondering, is the sound that the word “separated” makes when spoken from very far up your own ass.

Even though her soft piles of money probably ease the experience a little, the fact is that splitting up is never easy —  and is even more unfortunate for a family with kids. But I got to thinking about Paltrow’s brand, too. GOOP is a lifestyle website/store/thing that teaches you how to live like a rich macrobiotic WASP-y lady. That is: beautifully.

Folks who don’t make GOOP-level bank look to Pinterest to beautify their lives with a little less Nordstroms and a little more D.I.Y. Sadly, some of those first folksy burlap-and-lace Pinterest weddings have probably resulted in some less-beautiful divorces conscious uncouplings by now. So the question is: if you’re a person who carefully curates every detail of your life to Etsy-level twee perfection, how do you divorce with style? What kind of cupcakes? HOW MANY MASON JARS?

Here’s how I think a Paltrow-worthy Pinterest divorce board would look – the sad but real end to many a Pinterest wedding:


But that’s not all! Try these other GOOP-y pins to cutify your split:

  • A divorce party … with a photobooth!
  • Have your attorney wear Bluegrasss-y suspenders
  • Everyone at the child support hearings sits on hay bales
  • How to eat your feelings? Gluten-free cupcaaaaakes!
  • Out-of-context quotes from Dr. Seuss and Winnie-the-Pooh
  • Repurpose your used tissues into seasonal art or faux flowers
  • A baby wearing an absurdly large head-decoration
  • Burn his stuff in a bonfire – AND make gourmet s’mores over the embers!
  • Keep track of your attorney and realtor appointments in a ‘bulletin board’ made from an old barn window
  • When the divorce is finalized, have your friends greet you outside of the courthouse with sparklers!
  • After your S.O. cheats, construct some rustic signage outside of the house telling him exactly where he can go!
  • Not speaking? Communicate through adorable chalkboard slates!