Paltrow-Worthy Pinterest Divorces

Actress and lifestyle expert Gwyneth Paltrow is getting separated. Excuse me – consciously uncoupled, rather – which, in case you’re wondering, is the sound that the word “separated” makes when spoken from very far up your own ass.

Even though her soft piles of money probably ease the experience a little, the fact is that splitting up is never easy — and is even more unfortunate for a family with kids. But I got to thinking about Paltrow’s brand, too. GOOP is a lifestyle website/store/thing that teaches you how to live like a rich macrobiotic WASP-y lady. That is: beautifully.

Folks who don’t make GOOP-level bank look to Pinterest to beautify their lives with a little less Nordstroms and a little more D.I.Y. Sadly, some of those first folksy burlap-and-lace Pinterest weddings have probably resulted in some less-beautiful ~~divorces~~ conscious uncouplings by now. So the question is: if you’re a person who carefully curates every detail of your life to Etsy-level twee perfection, how do you divorce with style? What kind of cupcakes? HOW MANY MASON JARS?

Here’s how I think a Paltrow-worthy Pinterest divorce board would look – the sad but real end to many a Pinterest wedding:

But that’s not all! Try these other GOOP-y pins to cutify your split:

A divorce party … with a photobooth!
Have your attorney wear Bluegrasss-y suspenders
Everyone at the child support hearings sits on hay bales
How to eat your feelings? Gluten-free cupcaaaaakes!
Out-of-context quotes from Dr. Seuss and Winnie-the-Pooh
Repurpose your used tissues into seasonal art or faux flowers
A baby wearing an absurdly large head-decoration
Burn his stuff in a bonfire – AND make gourmet s’mores over the embers!
Keep track of your attorney and realtor appointments in a ‘bulletin board’ made from an old barn window
When the divorce is finalized, have your friends greet you outside of the courthouse with sparklers!
After your S.O. cheats, construct some rustic signage outside of the house telling him exactly where he can go!
Not speaking? Communicate through adorable chalkboard slates!