Guys – it’s here. The movie we’ve all been waiting for:
The highly-anticipated sequel to the horribly-bad SHARKNADO premiered last night, and it was everything we hoped for and more. Last time, a literal tornado of sharks took over Los Angeles and it was up to Bev Hills’ Ian Ziering and train wreck Tara Reid to save the city. Legit, the fate of one of the biggest cities in America was in the hands of these two. And with a single chainsaw, they defeated the cheeky sharks – except the Jaws are back for more.
In Sharknado 2: The Second One (no, seriously), Fin (yes, Ian’s character’s real name) and April (Tara Reid) are on their way to New York City to promote the book they wrote about the 2013 Sharknado (I can’t even make this up) and their plane passes through yet another sharknado. When they land, they’re the only ones who can save the Big Apple.
Now if you happened to miss the movie last night, not to worry, because we live blogged it for you! Didn’t see the first one? No worries – last year, we liveblogged it too – but keep in mind you don’t necessarily need to have seen the first one in order to see the sequel. This isn’t Harry Potter or The Hunger Games here. So if you want to relive last night’s magic or just want to feel like you’re with the “in” crowd without actually watching this dumb movie, read on, friends.
M: Like all disasters, I’ve decided I have to approach this movie the way Olivia Pope would. By that, I mean popcorn and red wine.
M: I logged onto Facebook during the commercial and saw someone got his girlfriend flowers for their 23-day anniversary. Of dating. He is an adult. If anyone ever cares about me that much, I would dump him. Seriously, can’t a girl just get ignored and forgotten anymore?
T: April and Fin are on this plane together (going through aforementioned storm) and when she goes to grab his hand, a huge giant sparkler is on her left ring finger – have these exes reconciled? Has the Sharknado actually done some good?
M: First celebrity cameo: Kelly Osborne, playing Effie Trinket playing a stewardess.
T: She asks April to sign her book – which looks like a pamphlet you get from the high school guidance counselor.
Fin obviously has some sort of PTSD from the Sharknado because now he’s seeing shadows of sharks in the storm clouds from the plane. Except those shadows are legit sharks. Fin freaks out and another passenger (air marshal) comes over to see what all the hullabaloo is about and it looks like the scene in the last ep of Friends where Rachel’s on the plane and Dean Pelton freaks out because the plane doesn’t even have a phalange.
Ohhh shit a shark went straight into one of the engines! The side of the plane is gone! A shark is inside the plane and just knocked off Kelly Osbourne’s head!
M: You know, even if they didn’t know there would be sharks in it, wasn’t it still a bad idea to fly into a tornado?
Both pilots were ejected from the plane and now it’s Fin’s turn to save this plane from completely going down. I mean at this point, all these people would be dead – most of them are screaming while the plane is free falling and an occasional sharks sneaks on the plane to kill a bitch on the toilet. Tara Reid is somehow still surviving by hanging onto a rope with half her body sticking out of the plane, and the air marshal goes to save her, gives her his gun to shoot a shark, but the shark bites off her arm with the gun attached. She’s really going to go through the rest of this movie with one hand?
Fin somehow has figured out how to land this plane. I feel like Ian Ziering is still taking these roles because he never became a big movie star after Bev Hills. Must be a hard life.
M: Everyone claps when the plane lands, which is pretty offensive – not because someone just died, but because that’s obnoxious.
Mark McGrath is Fin’s brother-in-law and is chillin in the center of Times Square in front of the old TRL studios and it’s probably the only place in the world he gets recognized.
Celeb Cameo Alert: Naked Cowboy, Matt Lauer, Andy Dick, former MTV VJ Downtown Julie Brown, Kelly and Michael and BILLY RAY CYRUS AS A SURGEON. HE’S REPRISING HIS ROLE AS A DOCTOR.
M: It’s just going to be marginally famous people playing themselves and sharks and explosions for the next two hours.
Ugh GAWD Tara Reid’s acting – I mean you can’t even call it acting. The thing about this movie is that Ian and Tara are both trying to make this serious. Like not campy serious just – they’re taking it seriously. It’s a little sad.
Celeb Cameo Alert: ‘Pepa'(As in Salt, Salt & Pepa’s here), Al Roker, Taxi’s Judd Hisrch as a taxi driver, and Richard Kind.
M: A tough-talking cabbie says something about how “if you can make it here you can make it anywhere.” I haven’t seen such a cartoonish depiction of New York since Oliver And Company.
M: I started off live-tweeting this TV event, but you know how when you really hate something, you have to hate it silently?
Fin is heading off to a Mets game to find his nephew and Mark McGrath. Vivica A. Fox is some chick named Skye who had a fling with Fin. She straight up kisses him without even asking if he’s single or not? Come on bro.
The sharknado is coming down hard on CitiField and Fin tells his pals to “grab something”, so they all grab baseball bats. Richard Kind, a former star baseball player, literally knocks a shark out of the park and into the jumbotron. I’m starting to realize that this whole movie is just 90s celebrities trying to make an extra buck.
Fin’s sister, her daughter, Pepa, and rando friend are all on a ferry back from visiting the Statue of Liberty and while on the boat, rando friend gets attacked by a shark and it’s gnarly.
We see some Water Department workers who go down into the sewer to try to fix something and there are ALLIGATORS down there – but don’t worry, a giant shark comes to eat it.
M: At least 50% of the screaming crowd and splashing sound effects from this movie are probably lifted from Titanic.
Celeb Cameo Alert: Jared from Subway, Perez Hilton ( who gets killed by a shark waiting for the train), the black judge from Shark Tank, and pizzeria owner Biz Markie.
Just realized Fin’s friend is Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock. It’s hard to tell who he is when he doesn’t have his personalized hats on. Once the shark’s done with the gator, it goes after the subway train, and Fin tries to fend it off and ends up stabbing it in the eye with the baseball bat. I mean, okay.
Fin: “Find a hardware store. I gotta get a chainsaw” (ref from the first Sharknado chainsaw massacre) And the hardware store is conveniently Out of Business. Meanwhile, the head of the Statue of Liberty is rolling around the city and the tornados are taking over Manhattan. Natch.
Mark McGrath and Fin have resorted to pilfering from bodegas and stealing a sword from an armored knight that just happened to be on display nearby. If you’re wondering where April is, she and her one hand are attempting to sneak out of the hospital. As she’s leaving, she hears some girl crying in the corner who’s super scared and just wants her mom. Naturally, April decides to take care of her and says “Take my hand and we’ll be okay” LOLOLOLOL. It’s like when Billy Zane stole that crying child and pretended to be her dad just to get on a lifeboat in Titanic. April gives the girl off to Downtown Julie Brown because the water and sharks are coming down the stairs, and her acting is still bad. Even the meteorologist on TV (who’s pointing at a graphic of a sharknado) is a better actress than Tara Reid.
Mark McGrath, Fin, his nephew, and Vivica A. Fox are stranded in a taxi with Judd Hirsch and have to use a rope to swing over the flooded, shark infested New York streets to … another patch of dry land? Not sure, but when Viv and the nephew swing together, it’s like, weirdly sexual and I’m not okay with it.
Of course, Judd Hirsch doesn’t make it and he goes down into the bloody mess, along with the rope Fin needs to join the others. But because Fin is a problem-solver and doesn’t give up, he decides to play leap frog on top of the sharks. HE IS LITERALLY JUMPING THE SHARK.
They make it to the building they’re supposed to meet his sister and niece (who are making their way on CitiBikes), and MM and neph stay in the lobby while Viv and Fin go up to the roof. (Sidenote: what happened to Viv’s face?) Apparently her dad didn’t approve of their interracial relationship years ago, so he called it off? Really, we’re dealing with racial issues in Sharknado 2?
Yikes. A giant shark just plopped right on top of Pepa. RIP Pepa.
Just like in the first movie, Fin is throwing bombs into the sharknados to defuse them, but it’s not working so they double it up. And you know, Viv casually slices a shark coming at them with that sword from the knight in shining armor. Their bombs are still not working, and in fact, it’s resulting in fiery sharks landing on people on the street.
Fin and Viv decided to go back down the building, but the rest of the gang is going up the stairs because the sharks are flooding in, and they all meet in the middle. Uh oh it’s either fire or water, what will they do? Also, the CGI is horrible on this.
April magically shows up with the fire department to save everyone. We keep cutting to Matt and Al at the Today show reporting on the storm, and it seems like there’s double sharknados going on, and chances are they’re going to converge at the Empire State Building, because this suddenly turned into the end of a romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan.
I don’t understand why the area around the Empire State Building is conveniently not flooding, but all the NYPD and NYFD folks are there, and so is the Mayor, who calls on Fin to help them. Because the bombs aren’t working, he has to freeze the sharknados, and to do that, he’s going to take a lightening rod to blow the freon tanks through the Empire State Building and into the storm. Forgot this was on the SyFy network so like, actually science is involved.
The meteorologist says there’s going to be a “shark falling rate of 2 inches per hour” – how do you even come up with this statistic???
Fin just gave the most ridiculous ,epic, Bill Pullman proportioned speech before he goes to do all his freon shenans:
APRIL HAS ATTACHED A CHAINSAW TO HER NON-EXISTANT HAND, WHICH SHE JUST GOT AMPUTATED EARLIER THAT DAY, AND SLICES A SHARK JUST BY PUTTING HER CHAINSAW ARM IN THE AIR. I’d like to point out in both the chainsaw situations with April and Fin – neither of them were covered in blood, despite the fact they both just clobbered these deadly fish with their hands.
Viv is risking her life to connect the cables to create lightening or whatever, and they’re successful, except both she and Fin are thrown into the Sharknado and while he’s easily floating by all the sharks, she gets cut into two. Huh?
People on land now have to deal with the falling sharks yet again, but because they’re New Yorkers, they’re prepared, and we see jump cuts of people going into their car trunks to get shovels, a machete, a bunch of machine guns (actual items shown), and then the angry mob takes to the streets of NY …
It’s raining sharks (at 2 inches per hour or more, I’m assuming)
Fin finds himself flying through the air still – with chainsaw in hand – and literally goes through a shark and goes out the other side screaming and (finally) covered in blood. We go back to Kelly & Michael for some reason and they’re still doing their show. Producer Gelman tells everyone to stay calm but he gets eaten by a shark that comes out of nowhere (LOL TO THE MAX) and Michael legit stops one from killing Kelly with his bare hands, and she steps on one with her red high heels. I love those two.
Matt and Al manage to get their hands on a shark and kill and and Fin somehow has chains on him still, so he decides to lasso one of the nearby flying sharks, stick the chains in him to create reins and maneuvers it to be speared perfectly by the top of the Empire State Building antenna.
OH MY GOD Once Fin’s back at the ESB with April, they notice another huge shark is coming towards them and he yells, “I need a weapon!” He looks around to find a dead shark nearby and because they’re focusing in on the teeth, I assume he’s going for that – NO. HE REACHES IN, AND PULLS OUT AN ARM. NOT JUST ANY ARM – APRIL’S ARM FROM WHEN THIS SHARK BITCH BIT IT OFF ON THE PLANE. FIN TAKES THE GUN ARM AND USES IT TO SHOOT AT THE SHARK. I MIGHT ACTUALLY VOMIT.
AND THEN HE TAKES THE GUN OFF THE HAND, PULLS THE DIAMOND RING FROM APRIL’S DEAD LIMB AND PROPOSES TO HER AGAIN. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.
It ends with actual fireworks. And just like the first movie, with the word “Fin”. That’s right French majors, it also means “end”.
M: In a world with DVR and internet TV, there was absolutely no reason to watch this live and miss So You Think You Can Dance, or Who Do You Think You Are, or Sex In The Wild, which, as a PBS special about how marsupials reproduce, is somehow simultaneously more and less interesting than the title sounds.
Well, it looks like I’m going to bow out early (10:30) so I can be asleep by 11:30 or so. What can I say, last night I stayed up late watching a documentary about who betrayed Anne Frank – only to learn that the answer was “we don’t know … some jerk who knew where she was?”
T: Like a lot of sequels, Sharknado wasn’t as good as the first. It still had the same level of ridiculousness, but I also feel they were trying to be serious, which takes away from the whole campy-ness of it. I mean if you’re going to make a movie called Sharknado 2: The Second One, you have to go balls out on the camp. And hey, at least I got to see Ian Ziering take disgusting things out of a dead shark body again. Maybe’s it a new tradition I’ll have. Or maybe I’ll just watch SYTYCD instead.
“Welcome to New York!” Fin tells himself as a shark lands on the windshield of the plane he just had to emergency land.
“Go go go go go go go don’t wanna get eaten by a sharknado? We’re all gonna die in a sharknado” – Actual lyrics from the actual Sharknado theme song
Judd Hirsch: Tell me one thing – what does the inside of a shark smell like?
Fin: There’s no words to describe that, pal
Judd: Idk, i always thought it would smell like chicken. Or salmon… or cod.
“Maybe a hipster fell on the tracks, they’re pretty light.” Judah Friedlander, spittin the truth
“Think of it this way – it’s a twister with teeth.” – Al Roker, real life weather reporter
“Only one of my legs is real.” Judd Hirsch before he fails jumping over the sharks
“Residents are panicked because of the sharks that came raining down from the sky” Local meteorologist
“Even the sharknados are tougher in New York.” They couldn’t reinforce the fact New Yorkers are resilient more
“We work good together.” Vivica A. Fox (Ew no you work well together, ugh)
“This is the Big Apple, Fin. When something bites us, we bite back.” Mayor of NY