Live Blog: Sharknado 2: The Second One

Guys – it’s here. The movie we’ve all been waiting for:

The highly-anticipated sequel to the horribly-bad SHARKNADO premiered last night, and it was everything we hoped for and more. Last time, a literal tornado of sharks took over Los Angeles and it was up to Bev Hills’ Ian Ziering and train wreck Tara Reid to save the city. Legit, the fate of one of the biggest cities in America was in the hands of these two. And with a single chainsaw, they defeated the cheeky sharks – except the Jaws are back for more.

In Sharknado 2: The Second One (no, seriously), Fin (yes, Ian’s character’s real name) and April (Tara Reid) are on their way to New York City to promote the book they wrote about the 2013 Sharknado (I can’t even make this up) and their plane passes through yet another sharknado. When they land, they’re the only ones who can save the Big Apple.

Now if you happened to miss the movie last night, not to worry, because we live blogged it for you! Didn’t see the first one? No worries – last year, we liveblogged it too – but keep in mind you don’t necessarily need to have seen the first one in order to see the sequel. This isn’t Harry Potter or The Hunger Games here. So if you want to relive last night’s magic or just want to feel like you’re with the “in” crowd without actually watching this dumb movie, read on, friends.

M: Like all disasters, I’ve decided I have to approach this movie the way Olivia Pope would. By that, I mean popcorn and red wine.

M: I logged onto Facebook during the commercial and saw someone got his girlfriend flowers for their 23-day anniversary. Of dating. He is an adult. If anyone ever cares about me that much, I would dump him. Seriously, can’t a girl just get ignored and forgotten anymore?

T: April and Fin are on this plane together (going through aforementioned storm) and when she goes to grab his hand, a huge giant sparkler is on her left ring finger – have these exes reconciled? Has the Sharknado actually done some good?

M: First celebrity cameo: Kelly Osborne, playing Effie Trinket playing a stewardess.

T: She asks April to sign her book – which looks like a pamphlet you get from the high school guidance counselor.

Fin obviously has some sort of PTSD from the Sharknado because now he’s seeing shadows of sharks in the storm clouds from the plane. Except those shadows are legit sharks. Fin freaks out and another passenger (air marshal) comes over to see what all the hullabaloo is about and it looks like the scene in the last ep of Friends where Rachel’s on the plane and Dean Pelton freaks out because the plane doesn’t even have a phalange.

Ohhh shit a shark went straight into one of the engines! The side of the plane is gone! A shark is inside the plane and just knocked off Kelly Osbourne’s head!

M:  You know, even if they didn’t know there would be sharks in it, wasn’t it still a bad idea to fly into a tornado?

Both pilots were ejected from the plane and now it’s Fin’s turn to save this plane from completely going down. I mean at this point, all these people would be dead – most of them are screaming while the plane is free falling and an occasional sharks sneaks on the plane to kill a bitch on the toilet. Tara Reid is somehow still surviving by hanging onto a rope with half her body sticking out of the plane, and the air marshal goes to save her, gives her his gun to shoot a shark, but the shark bites off her arm with the gun attached. She’s really going to go through the rest of this movie with one hand?

Fin somehow has figured out how to land this plane. I feel like Ian Ziering is still taking these roles because he never became a big movie star after Bev Hills. Must be a hard life.

M: Everyone claps when the plane lands, which is pretty offensive – not because someone just died, but because that’s obnoxious.

Mark McGrath is Fin’s brother-in-law and is chillin in the center of Times Square in front of the old TRL studios and it’s probably the only place in the world he gets recognized.

Celeb Cameo Alert: Naked Cowboy, Matt Lauer, Andy Dick, former MTV VJ Downtown Julie Brown, Kelly and Michael and BILLY RAY CYRUS AS A SURGEON. HE’S REPRISING HIS ROLE AS A DOCTOR.

M: It’s just going to be marginally famous people playing themselves and sharks and explosions for the next two hours.

Ugh GAWD Tara Reid’s acting – I mean you can’t even call it acting. The thing about this movie is that Ian and Tara are both trying to make this serious. Like not campy serious just – they’re taking it seriously. It’s a little sad.

Celeb Cameo Alert: ‘Pepa'(As in Salt, Salt & Pepa’s here), Al Roker, Taxi’s Judd Hisrch as a taxi driver, and Richard Kind.

M: A tough-talking cabbie says something about how “if you can make it here you can make it anywhere.” I haven’t seen such a cartoonish depiction of New York since Oliver And Company.

M: I started off live-tweeting this TV event, but you know how when you really hate something, you have to hate it silently?

Fin is heading off to a Mets game to find his nephew and Mark McGrath. Vivica A. Fox is some chick named Skye who had a fling with Fin. She straight up kisses him without even asking if he’s single or not? Come on bro.

The sharknado is coming down hard on CitiField and Fin tells his pals to “grab something”, so they all grab baseball bats. Richard Kind, a former star baseball player, literally knocks a shark out of the park and into the jumbotron. I’m starting to realize that this whole movie is just 90s celebrities trying to make an extra buck.

Fin’s sister, her daughter, Pepa, and rando friend are all on a ferry back from visiting the Statue of Liberty and while on the boat, rando friend gets attacked by a shark and it’s gnarly.

We see some Water Department workers who go down into the sewer to try to fix something and there are ALLIGATORS down there – but don’t worry, a giant shark comes to eat it.

M: At least 50% of the screaming crowd and splashing sound effects from this movie are probably lifted from Titanic.

Celeb Cameo Alert: Jared from Subway, Perez Hilton ( who gets killed by a shark waiting for the train), the black judge from Shark Tank, and pizzeria owner Biz Markie.

bye felicia

Just realized Fin’s friend is Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock. It’s hard to tell who he is when he doesn’t have his personalized hats on. Once the shark’s done with the gator, it goes after the subway train, and Fin tries to fend it off and ends up stabbing it in the eye with the baseball bat. I mean, okay.

Fin: “Find a hardware store. I gotta get a chainsaw” (ref from the first Sharknado chainsaw massacre) And the hardware store is conveniently Out of Business. Meanwhile, the head of the Statue of Liberty is rolling around the city and the tornados are taking over Manhattan. Natch.

Mark McGrath and Fin have resorted to pilfering from bodegas and stealing a sword from an armored knight that just happened to be on display nearby. If you’re wondering where April is, she and her one hand are attempting to sneak out of the hospital. As she’s leaving, she hears some girl crying in the corner who’s super scared and just wants her mom. Naturally, April decides to take care of her and says “Take my hand and we’ll be okay” LOLOLOLOL. It’s like when Billy Zane stole that crying child and pretended to be her dad just to get on a lifeboat in Titanic. April gives the girl off to Downtown Julie Brown because the water and sharks are coming down the stairs, and her acting is still bad. Even the meteorologist on TV (who’s pointing at a graphic of a sharknado) is a better actress than Tara Reid.

Mark McGrath, Fin, his nephew, and Vivica A. Fox are stranded in a taxi with Judd Hirsch and have to use a rope to swing over the flooded, shark infested New York streets to … another patch of dry land? Not sure, but when Viv and the nephew swing together, it’s like, weirdly sexual and I’m not okay with it.

Of course, Judd Hirsch doesn’t make it and he goes down into the bloody mess, along with the rope Fin needs to join the others. But because Fin is a problem-solver and doesn’t give up, he decides to play leap frog on top of the sharks. HE IS LITERALLY JUMPING THE SHARK.

They make it to the building they’re supposed to meet his sister and niece (who are making their way on CitiBikes), and MM and neph stay in the lobby while Viv and Fin go up to the roof. (Sidenote: what happened to Viv’s face?) Apparently her dad didn’t approve of their interracial relationship years ago, so he called it off? Really, we’re dealing with racial issues in Sharknado 2?

Yikes. A giant shark just plopped right on top of Pepa. RIP Pepa.

Just like in the first movie, Fin is throwing bombs into the sharknados to defuse them, but it’s not working so they double it up. And you know, Viv casually slices a shark coming at them with that sword from the knight in shining armor. Their bombs are still not working, and in fact, it’s resulting in fiery sharks landing on people on the street.

Fin and Viv decided to go back down the building, but the rest of the gang is going up the stairs because the sharks are flooding in, and they all meet in the middle. Uh oh it’s either fire or water, what will they do? Also, the CGI is horrible on this.

 April magically shows up with the fire department to save everyone. We keep cutting to Matt and Al at the Today show reporting on the storm, and it seems like there’s double sharknados going on, and chances are they’re going to converge at the Empire State Building, because this suddenly turned into the end of a romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan.

I don’t understand why the area around the Empire State Building is conveniently not flooding, but all the NYPD and NYFD folks are there, and so is the Mayor, who calls on Fin to help them. Because the bombs aren’t working, he has to freeze the sharknados, and to do that, he’s going to take a lightening rod to blow the freon tanks through the Empire State Building and into the storm. Forgot this was on the SyFy network so like, actually science is involved.

The meteorologist says there’s going to be a “shark falling rate of 2 inches per hour” – how do you even come up with this statistic???

Fin just gave the most ridiculous ,epic, Bill Pullman proportioned speech before he goes to do all his freon shenans:

APRIL HAS ATTACHED A CHAINSAW TO HER NON-EXISTANT HAND, WHICH SHE JUST GOT AMPUTATED EARLIER THAT DAY, AND SLICES A SHARK JUST BY PUTTING HER CHAINSAW ARM IN THE AIR. I’d like to point out in both the chainsaw situations with April and Fin – neither of them were covered in blood, despite the fact they both just clobbered these deadly fish with their hands.

Viv is risking her life to connect the cables to create lightening or whatever, and they’re successful, except both she and Fin are thrown into the Sharknado and while he’s easily floating by all the sharks, she gets cut into two. Huh?

People on land now have to deal with the falling sharks yet again, but because they’re New Yorkers, they’re prepared, and we see jump cuts of people going into their car trunks to get shovels, a machete, a bunch of machine guns (actual items shown), and then the angry mob takes to the streets of NY …

It’s raining sharks (at 2 inches per hour or more, I’m assuming)

Fin finds himself flying through the air still – with chainsaw in hand – and literally goes through a shark and goes out the other side screaming and (finally) covered in blood. We go back to Kelly & Michael for some reason and they’re still doing their show. Producer Gelman tells everyone to stay calm but he gets eaten by a shark that comes out of nowhere (LOL TO THE MAX) and Michael legit stops one from killing Kelly with his bare hands, and she steps on one with her red high heels. I love those two.

Matt and Al manage to get their hands on a shark and kill and and Fin somehow has chains on him still, so he decides to lasso one of the nearby flying sharks, stick the chains in him to create reins and maneuvers it to be speared perfectly by the top of the Empire State Building antenna.

OH MY GOD Once Fin’s back at the ESB with April, they notice another huge shark is coming towards them and he yells, “I need a weapon!” He looks around to find a dead shark nearby and because they’re focusing in on the teeth, I assume he’s going for that – NO. HE REACHES IN, AND PULLS OUT AN ARM. NOT JUST ANY ARM – APRIL’S ARM FROM WHEN THIS SHARK BITCH BIT IT OFF ON THE PLANE. FIN TAKES THE GUN ARM AND USES IT TO SHOOT AT THE SHARK. I MIGHT ACTUALLY VOMIT.

AND THEN HE TAKES THE GUN OFF THE HAND, PULLS THE DIAMOND RING FROM APRIL’S DEAD LIMB AND PROPOSES TO HER AGAIN. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.

It ends with actual fireworks. And just like the first movie, with the word “Fin”. That’s right French majors, it also means “end”.

M: In a world with DVR and internet TV, there was absolutely no reason to watch this live and miss So You Think You Can Dance, or Who Do You Think You Are, or Sex In The Wild, which, as a PBS special about how marsupials reproduce, is somehow simultaneously more and less interesting than the title sounds.

Well, it looks like I’m going to bow out early (10:30) so I can be asleep by 11:30  or so. What can I say, last night I stayed up late watching a documentary about who betrayed Anne Frank – only to learn that the answer was “we don’t know … some jerk who knew where she was?”

T: Like a lot of sequels, Sharknado wasn’t as good as the first. It still had the same level of ridiculousness, but I also feel they were trying to be serious, which takes away from the whole campy-ness of it. I mean if you’re going to make a movie called Sharknado 2: The Second One, you have to go balls out on the camp. And hey, at least I got to see Ian Ziering take disgusting things out of a dead shark body again. Maybe’s it a new tradition I’ll have. Or maybe I’ll just watch SYTYCD instead.

Favorite Quotes:

“Welcome to New York!” Fin tells himself as a shark lands on the windshield of the plane he just had to emergency land.

“Go go go go go go go don’t wanna get eaten by a sharknado? We’re all gonna die in a sharknado” – Actual lyrics from the actual Sharknado theme song

Judd Hirsch: Tell me one thing – what does the inside of a shark smell like?

Fin: There’s no words to describe that, pal

Judd: Idk, i always thought it would smell like chicken. Or salmon… or cod.

“Maybe a hipster fell on the tracks, they’re pretty light.” Judah Friedlander, spittin the truth

“Think of it this way – it’s a twister with teeth.” – Al Roker, real life weather reporter

“Only one of my legs is real.” Judd Hirsch before he fails jumping over the sharks

“Residents are panicked because of the sharks that came raining down from the sky” Local meteorologist

“Even the sharknados are tougher in New York.” They couldn’t reinforce the fact New Yorkers are resilient more

“We work good together.” Vivica A. Fox  (Ew no you work well together, ugh)

“This is the Big Apple, Fin. When something bites us, we bite back.” Mayor of NY

 

Best of C+S 2013: Liveblogging SHARKNADO!

Well, here it is folks. The very last day of our Best of series. Thanks again for sticking with us on our very first year of blogging! And in the event you forgot about this groundbreaking movie that premiered over the summer, we’re here to bring it back to life. There is going to be a sequel, after all. 

We can’t say it enough, but again, thank you for reading, and here’s to a fantastic 2014!

~~~

Live Blog: SHARKNADO!

{originally posted july 15th}

Sharknado_poster

I want to apologize if it looked like I was yelling at you in the title, but I really see no other way to type SHARKNADO other than in all caps.

Alright, you may have heard about this so bad it’s good (or so bad it’s bad) movie that debuted on the SyFy channel last week. Nearly 1.4 million people tuned in to find out what kind of havoc SHARKNADO can possibly create. So many people were talking about it on Twitter (which is why it inspired me to do this very post) that it generated more tweets than that controversial *NO SPOILERS* Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones a few weeks ago. AND there’s also talk about a sequel. What next, SHARKSUNAMI? I didn’t really know much about the movie before previewing approx 10 minutes of it, but I gathered that by the title alone, (and the poster) it was about a tornado full of sharks. I was right.

Does anyone remember Sharktopus that was on SyFy a few years ago? (Again, it’s exactly what it sounds like) I figured that SHARKNADO was in the same vein, so basically ridiculousness at its finest. Fun fact: the lead character that is not Eric Roberts went to my college and we had a marketing class together. If I had known he was going to be in Sharktopus… I still wouldn’t have talked to him. Alright folks, here we go! And obviously, spoiler alert.

  • The movie starts off literally with a tornado of sharks over the ocean. like the tagline says, “Enough said.”
  • Apparently we’re getting a brief preface before the “real” action happens. 20 miles off Mexico in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, there is hardass Captain who has caught a bunch of sharks and cut off their fins. He’s trying to sell them off to an Asian man who is going to use them for shark fin soup. Contrary to the fact that I am Asian, I honestly would never have known that this is a thing that a lot of Chinese restaurants sell. Like they literally cut off the shark fins, let the sharks die, and then stick the fins in some soup. Why do I know this? Because Kyle Chandler was on Ellen talking about how his daughter is on a crusade to stop Chinese restaurants in Texas from selling said soup. Coach is still teaching us life lessons, y’all. But is this supposed to be like a subliminal message telling us shark finning is bad? Is this movie sponsored by Oceana? Because it’s working.
  • Legitimate question – are there really this many sharks off the coast of Mexico? Why is there a dense population of sharks there? Because if so, remind me to never go there while out on my shark finning scuba diving crusades.

  • The hardass Captain in the middle of the stormy ocean gets enveloped by the SHARKNADO, then immediately cuts to a sunny shot of the Santa Monica pier and Tara Reid’s name in the credits. THE MOST JARRING SCENE CHANGE EVER.
  • Also, this takes place in Los Angeles?!? GREAT. Good thing I live far enough away from the water to immediately get attacked by sharks. And Ian Ziering.

  • Speaking of Ian Ziering, he owns a bar right at the end of the Santa Monica pier called Fin, and the locals are watching the news, where they report that a storm’s a brewin and its name is Hurricane David…. And the guy at the bar who just grabbed the butt of the ‘sexy’ waitress looks oddly familiar. OH IT’S BECAUSE HE’S THE DAD FROM HOME ALONE. And unfortunately, the creepy guy character actually suits him.

  • Meanwhile, Ian is out surfing when the girl he’s flirting with suddenly gets eaten by a shark. He’s legit yelling, “SHARKS, GET OUT OF THE WATER! SHARKS!” to everyone on the beach yet no one is listening to him. These bitches are being eaten left and right. You really should’ve listened to Steve Sanders when you had the chance.
  • HOLD UP. IAN ZIERING’S NAME IN THIS MOVIE IS FIN? HAHAHAHAHAHA

  • The TV reporter says, “Global warming is DEFINITELY the cause of this event.” Again, is there an underlying message here SyFy? They’re all, “Yes, save the sharks but also, remember that global warming is really a thing.” Is Al Gore the secret exec producer on this?
  • And Tara Reid makes her first appearance. God, I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything since Josie and the Pussycats. Nope, I’ve seen American Reunion. Let’s just say Josie and the Pussycats because what a gem of a movie that is.
  • A huge wave engulfs the Santa Monica pier and suddenly the ‘sexy’ waitress, whose name is NOVA has a gun. Like one of those big guns that’s bigger than a rifle. I’m not a gun affeciando, so trust on this. But where did she find a gun on the pier?? The only thing you would find washed up on the pier frreal would be caricatures of tourists from Wisconsin and maybe that huge snake that one homeless guy lets people pet for free.
  • Oh great the ferris wheel detached from the pier and is rolling directly down the road, because if sharks flying through the air weren’t enough, here’s a ton of metal about to land on your person.
  • Ian/Steve/Fin, along with Grabby Mr. McAllister, Nova, and Fin’s Australian BFF (who was bit by a shark earlier but managed to survive), get in his Jeep wrangler and head for Beverly Hills so Fin can check on his ex-wife and daughter. However it’s now raining and the water falling on this car is so incredibly fake that it looks like they’re going through a $1 car wash.

  • They decide to take the 405, but there’s traffic. Surprise surprise. It’s even worse when there’s a sea of sharks on the freeway. SHARKMAGEDDON, AMIRITE L.A.??

  • Grabby McAllister is clearly wasted because he spends his days at Fin’s bar, so when they reach a point on the 405 where they can’t go any farther and can see a wave of sharks is about to come at them, Fin tries to help the stranded drivers run to safety (?). However Grabby McAllister mumbles, “There are sharks out there. You don’t have to go out there. There’s no reason to go out there!” And suddenly he’s the only person that makes sense.
  • Ok so Nova has a gun, but Grabby McAllister had to bring his beloved stool from the bar and use it as a weapon?? He helps a woman whose dog is trapped in her car (which doesn’t make sense, because why would she lock her dog in the car without taking her keys) by shattering the glass with his bar stool. Woman and her beloved dog make it out, but Grabs McAllister doesn’t have the same luck – a shark comes flying at him and another one bites the dust.
  • Another question – Fin and the gang see a huge wave come over the freeway, but somehow, the water isn’t going down the ramp they’re on. This doesn’t make sense. I know I’m trying to find logic in a movie called SHARKNADO, but still!
  • They finally make it to Tara Reid’s house in BH, but she won’t let them in because she doesn’t believe that sharks are taking over the city. All of a sudden, a shark shoots up through a sewer and Nova just shoots it like a clay pigeon. Tara Reid finally believes their warning.

  • Good lord the acting on this… is … incomparable. The only thing worse is the writing. And the CGI. And Tara Reid’s face.

this is my ‘concerned for our lives bc sharks are flying from the sky’ face

  • Water floods into Tara Reid’s house and into the foyer, leaving the gang plus Tara and Fin’s daughter stuck on the stairs. Oh, Tara had an asshole boyfriend who Fin tried to help but got eaten by a shark circling the foyer waters.
  • They decide they need to go get their son, Matt, who is in flight school in Van Nuys, which is in the valley near me, where obviously the sharks can’t reach us. And is there really a flight school in Van Nuys?
  • Explain to me how their entire foyer became a pool of bloody water but they all escaped without letting any water out or being covered in bloody water. And also explain how their entire home just fell to bits, but the house next to it looks fine.
  • Just remembered that Nova has a scar on her upper leg, which makes me think she’s been in a similar shark situation before, and will probably come up later in the movie in some fascinating revelation.
  • Tara Reid just picked up her purse and told Siri to call Matt. HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR PURSE ON YOUR PERSON RIGHT NOW.
  • On their way to Van Nuys, they see a school bus, and Fin wants to stop and see if they need help. But Tara exclaims, “You care more about other people than you do your family!” AH HA! A protagonist flaw that will most likely be resolved by the end of the movie!
  • “The water’s rising, I’m gonna go up to the bridge and repel down.” – Fin. Again, How do you have these random tools handy?? Fin’s response: “Semper Paratus” which means “Always Prepared” in Latin. Uh okay. But luckily he manages to save a bus full of 20 kids by repelling each of them up by a pulley system, including the bus driver who is clearly over this shit because he tells Fin he moved to L.A. to become an actor, and he did not see this the way his life would end.
  • The wind from the hurricane has caused the Hollywood sign letters to fly off the mountain and are heading directly towards them. Yeah, the bus driver/actor is def going to die by these letters. “My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.” – Bus driver’s last words before a huge chunk of metal, presumably an O, pretty much slices him in half. Again, sharks aren’t the only thing that can kill you during a SHARKNADO.

  • A overhead shot flies over downtown Los Angeles, and you can randomly see sharks flipping about on helicopter pads on roofs. Foreshadowing?
  • Annndd their car blew up from all the flooding, or maybe it was the shark that literally blew through the roof of their car (see, foreshadowing!) but Nova killed it off with her gun.
  • They finally reach Van Nuys where Matt’s flight school is, and also conveniently located next to a movie prop warehouse specializing in cars. Naturally, they steal a Hummer. A Hummer with a “Nitrous” button. Is that even a real thing?
  • The gang finds Matt who looks extremely familiar yet again. And I realize that I recognize him as jock Van Dyke on the short-lived Jonas show on the Disney Channel. I would be embarassed by this but I have no shame. Incidentally, he was also in the new version of 90210 as well as American Reunion.

Jonas wasn’t a period piece.

  • The SHARKNADO comes to Van Nuys (!) and they hide in a mini bunker, but there’s no real door so Fin has to hold a scrap piece of metal to protect them… I find it hard to believe they would survive high winds like that, when Matt’s flight school teacher legit just got sucked up through the ceiling of the hanger and into the SHARKNADO.
  • They find a helicopter outside that was definitely not there before, and there are too many people for them to all get out of the city via chopper, not to mention the fact that it’s probably not ideal to fly during tornado/hurricane conditions. So Fin says, “We’re gonna stand and fight!”
  • Van Nuys just happens to have everything they need, because they find a surplus store with chainsaws and tools to make bombs…With chainsaws and bombs apparently.
  • The surplus store is where everyone’s feelings and emotions come out, because Fin and his daughter have a forced touching moment between each other that makes me yearn for the corny Danny Tanner talks with his girls.
  • Nova is finally revealing the story behind the mysterious scar to Matt. Like expected,  she tells some sob story about how when she was a kid, she went out in the water with her grandfather when she was attacked on the leg, but her grandfather and the five other people on the boat died because of the sharks. “I really hate sharks.”
  • Let me get this straight these people are going to single handedly equalize the tornado by throwing bombs into it and also kill the sharks? I don’t know whether this is based on science or another made up thing by the SyFy channel.
  • Fin is literally just shooting at the sharks with a shotgun. Straight up pointing it up in the air to the flying sharks coming out of the SHARKNADO and killing them with a shotgun.

  • So that bomb thing worked. Is this something we should train or military to do in the future in the event something like this actually happens?

  • Fin just sliced an incoming shark with a saw. He held up the saw like Rafiki in The Lion King and the shark split in half.

shark

  • Next to the flight school is a retirement home, and the old folks are outside in the pool. Do they not see what kind of shit is going down next door?
  • Ugh just realized how big of a cleanup this will be for the city of Los Angeles. Then realized this is a movie, not real life. Yet.
  • Matt’s flight school friend has his arm bit off by a shark, and if that isn’t bad enough, when he falls over and dies, another shark falls from the sky and lands on top of him. I cannot help but laugh at this.

  • Meanwhile, Matt and Nova are still up in the helicopter hovering near the SHARKNADO gearing up to throw the homemade bombs into the cyclone. On her last bomb, Nova gets caught by a shark, she falls out of the helicopter, and it eventually eats her. RIP. Matt’s obviously in shock, so he has some struggs landing the chopper, much to Fin’s distress.
  • Fin decides to take matters into his own hands to kill the last SHARKNADO. He takes out the Hummer that Aussie BFF (who also got attacked by a flying shark and died) loaded with bombs, and drives it up to the hills (For the record, the geography of this movie isn’t making sense, because there are no hills in Van Nuys and it’s bothering me). Fin has perfect timing as he drives to the top of the windy hill, as the SHARKNADO hovers right next to it. He lights the bombs in the car, presses the NITROUS BUTTON, jumps out, and the Hummer flies into the SHARKNADO, making the last one dissipate. Except for the fact that hundreds of dead sharks are now falling from the sky and into the LA streets.
  • OH MY GOD I LITERALLY HAVEN’T TYPED FOR LIKE THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT WAS ACTUALLY SUSPENSEFUL AND WTF HAHAHAHA

Ok, I’ve regained consciousness. Here’s what just happened: THE SHARK EATS HIM WHILE HE’S HOLDING THE CHAINSAW, BUT HE CUTS HIS WAY OUT USING SAID CHAINSAW IN THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE (I IMAGINE CHILDBIRTH TO LOOK LIKE THIS). BUT THEN: FIN PULLS NOVA OUT OF THE SHARK’S STOMACH BECAUSE OF COURSE OUT OF ALL THE SHARKS THIS IS THE SAME ONE THAT ATE HER.

  • Matt tries to give Nova CPR, and it works. Her first words are “I really hate sharks,” as she flashes her perfect fake eyelashes.
  • Tara Reid literally wipes the blood off Fin’s mouth kisses him. If you didn’t feel like vomiting before… you will now.
  • This is how they end the entire movie: TOUCHE, SHARKNADO FILM MAKERS. TOUCHE.

Favorite quotes:

  • “Don’t you ever make fun of my stool again.” Grabby McAllister
  • “What the hell, there are sharks in the street!” Nova, the sharpest tool in the shed
  • “That’s a tiger shark.” Nova “How do you know that?” Fin “Shark week?” Nova, educated broad
  • “It’s just a little wahtah (water), typical California is afraid of the rain?!” guy on the 405 who may be from Boston but it’s hard to tell with his horrible accent.
  • “Looks like it’s that time of the month.” – Aussie BFF after Tara Reid’s BF is killed in the bloody waters in her house’s foyer
  • “Take the 10 to the 405 and you’re in Beverly Hills” – Grabby McAllister doing his best Californians impression

Live Blog: SHARKNADO!

Sharknado_poster

I want to apologize if it looked like I was yelling at you in the title, but I really see no other way to type SHARKNADO other than in all caps.

Alright, you may have heard about this so bad it’s good (or so bad it’s bad) movie that debuted on the SyFy channel last week. Nearly 1.4 million people tuned in to find out what kind of havoc SHARKNADO can possibly create. So many people were talking about it on Twitter (which is why it inspired me to do this very post) that it generated more tweets than that controversial *NO SPOILERS* Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones a few weeks ago. AND there’s also talk about a sequel. What next, SHARKSUNAMI? I didn’t really know much about the movie before previewing approx 10 minutes of it, but I gathered that by the title alone, (and the poster) it was about a tornado full of sharks. I was right.

Does anyone remember Sharktopus that was on SyFy a few years ago? (Again, it’s exactly what it sounds like) I figured that SHARKNADO was in the same vein, so basically ridiculousness at its finest. Fun fact: the lead character that is not Eric Roberts went to my college and we had a marketing class together. If I had known he was going to be in Sharktopus… I still wouldn’t have talked to him. Alright folks, here we go! And obviously, spoiler alert.

  • The movie starts off literally with a tornado of sharks over the ocean. like the tagline says, “Enough said.”
  • Apparently we’re getting a brief preface before the “real” action happens. 20 miles off Mexico in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, there is hardass Captain who has caught a bunch of sharks and cut off their fins. He’s trying to sell them off to an Asian man who is going to use them for shark fin soup. Contrary to the fact that I am Asian, I honestly would never have known that this is a thing that a lot of Chinese restaurants sell. Like they literally cut off the shark fins, let the sharks die, and then stick the fins in some soup. Why do I know this? Because Kyle Chandler was on Ellen talking about how his daughter is on a crusade to stop Chinese restaurants in Texas from selling said soup. Coach is still teaching us life lessons, y’all. But is this supposed to be like a subliminal message telling us shark finning is bad? Is this movie sponsored by Oceana? Because it’s working.
  • Legitimate question – are there really this many sharks off the coast of Mexico? Why is there a dense population of sharks there? Because if so, remind me to never go there while out on my shark finning scuba diving crusades.

  • The hardass Captain in the middle of the stormy ocean gets enveloped by the SHARKNADO, then immediately cuts to a sunny shot of the Santa Monica pier and Tara Reid’s name in the credits. THE MOST JARRING SCENE CHANGE EVER.
  • Also, this takes place in Los Angeles?!? GREAT. Good thing I live far enough away from the water to immediately get attacked by sharks. And Ian Ziering.

  • Speaking of Ian Ziering, he owns a bar right at the end of the Santa Monica pier called Fin, and the locals are watching the news, where they report that a storm’s a brewin and its name is Hurricane David…. And the guy at the bar who just grabbed the butt of the ‘sexy’ waitress looks oddly familiar. OH IT’S BECAUSE HE’S THE DAD FROM HOME ALONE. And unfortunately, the creepy guy character actually suits him.

  • Meanwhile, Ian is out surfing when the girl he’s flirting with suddenly gets eaten by a shark. He’s legit yelling, “SHARKS, GET OUT OF THE WATER! SHARKS!” to everyone on the beach yet no one is listening to him. These bitches are being eaten left and right. You really should’ve listened to Steve Sanders when you had the chance.
  • HOLD UP. IAN ZIERING’S NAME IN THIS MOVIE IS FIN? HAHAHAHAHAHA

  • The TV reporter says, “Global warming is DEFINITELY the cause of this event.” Again, is there an underlying message here SyFy? They’re all, “Yes, save the sharks but also, remember that global warming is really a thing.” Is Al Gore the secret exec producer on this?
  • And Tara Reid makes her first appearance. God, I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything since Josie and the Pussycats. Nope, I’ve seen American Reunion. Let’s just say Josie and the Pussycats because what a gem of a movie that is.
  • A huge wave engulfs the Santa Monica pier and suddenly the ‘sexy’ waitress, whose name is NOVA has a gun. Like one of those big guns that’s bigger than a rifle. I’m not a gun affeciando, so trust on this. But where did she find a gun on the pier?? The only thing you would find washed up on the pier frreal would be caricatures of tourists from Wisconsin and maybe that huge snake that one homeless guy lets people pet for free.
  • Oh great the ferris wheel detached from the pier and is rolling directly down the road, because if sharks flying through the air weren’t enough, here’s a ton of metal about to land on your person.
  • Ian/Steve/Fin, along with Grabby Mr. McAllister, Nova, and Fin’s Australian BFF (who was bit by a shark earlier but managed to survive), get in his Jeep wrangler and head for Beverly Hills so Fin can check on his ex-wife and daughter. However it’s now raining and the water falling on this car is so incredibly fake that it looks like they’re going through a $1 car wash.

  • They decide to take the 405, but there’s traffic. Surprise surprise. It’s even worse when there’s a sea of sharks on the freeway. SHARKMAGEDDON, AMIRITE L.A.??

  • Grabby McAllister is clearly wasted because he spends his days at Fin’s bar, so when they reach a point on the 405 where they can’t go any farther and can see a wave of sharks is about to come at them, Fin tries to help the stranded drivers run to safety (?). However Grabby McAllister mumbles, “There are sharks out there. You don’t have to go out there. There’s no reason to go out there!” And suddenly he’s the only person that makes sense.
  • Ok so Nova has a gun, but Grabby McAllister had to bring his beloved stool from the bar and use it as a weapon?? He helps a woman whose dog is trapped in her car (which doesn’t make sense, because why would she lock her dog in the car without taking her keys) by shattering the glass with his bar stool. Woman and her beloved dog make it out, but Grabs McAllister doesn’t have the same luck – a shark comes flying at him and another one bites the dust.
  • Another question – Fin and the gang see a huge wave come over the freeway, but somehow, the water isn’t going down the ramp they’re on. This doesn’t make sense. I know I’m trying to find logic in a movie called SHARKNADO, but still!
  • They finally make it to Tara Reid’s house in BH, but she won’t let them in because she doesn’t believe that sharks are taking over the city. All of a sudden, a shark shoots up through a sewer and Nova just shoots it like a clay pigeon. Tara Reid finally believes their warning.

  • Good lord the acting on this… is … incomparable. The only thing worse is the writing. And the CGI. And Tara Reid’s face.

this is my ‘concerned for our lives bc sharks are flying from the sky’ face

  • Water floods into Tara Reid’s house and into the foyer, leaving the gang plus Tara and Fin’s daughter stuck on the stairs. Oh, Tara had an asshole boyfriend who Fin tried to help but got eaten by a shark circling the foyer waters.
  • They decide they need to go get their son, Matt, who is in flight school in Van Nuys, which is in the valley near me, where obviously the sharks can’t reach us. And is there really a flight school in Van Nuys?
  • Explain to me how their entire foyer became a pool of bloody water but they all escaped without letting any water out or being covered in bloody water. And also explain how their entire home just fell to bits, but the house next to it looks fine.
  • Just remembered that Nova has a scar on her upper leg, which makes me think she’s been in a similar shark situation before, and will probably come up later in the movie in some fascinating revelation.
  • Tara Reid just picked up her purse and told Siri to call Matt. HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR PURSE ON YOUR PERSON RIGHT NOW.
  • On their way to Van Nuys, they see a school bus, and Fin wants to stop and see if they need help. But Tara exclaims, “You care more about other people than you do your family!” AH HA! A protagonist flaw that will most likely be resolved by the end of the movie!
  • “The water’s rising, I’m gonna go up to the bridge and repel down.” – Fin. Again, How do you have these random tools handy?? Fin’s response: “Semper Paratus” which means “Always Prepared” in Latin. Uh okay. But luckily he manages to save a bus full of 20 kids by repelling each of them up by a pulley system, including the bus driver who is clearly over this shit because he tells Fin he moved to L.A. to become an actor, and he did not see this the way his life would end.
  • The wind from the hurricane has caused the Hollywood sign letters to fly off the mountain and are heading directly towards them. Yeah, the bus driver/actor is def going to die by these letters. “My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.” – Bus driver’s last words before a huge chunk of metal, presumably an O, pretty much slices him in half. Again, sharks aren’t the only thing that can kill you during a SHARKNADO.

  • A overhead shot flies over downtown Los Angeles, and you can randomly see sharks flipping about on helicopter pads on roofs. Foreshadowing?
  • Annndd their car blew up from all the flooding, or maybe it was the shark that literally blew through the roof of their car (see, foreshadowing!) but Nova killed it off with her gun.
  • They finally reach Van Nuys where Matt’s flight school is, and also conveniently located next to a movie prop warehouse specializing in cars. Naturally, they steal a Hummer. A Hummer with a “Nitrous” button. Is that even a real thing?
  • The gang finds Matt who looks extremely familiar yet again. And I realize that I recognize him as jock Van Dyke on the short-lived Jonas show on the Disney Channel. I would be embarassed by this but I have no shame. Incidentally, he was also in the new version of 90210 as well as American Reunion.

Jonas wasn’t a period piece.

  • The SHARKNADO comes to Van Nuys (!) and they hide in a mini bunker, but there’s no real door so Fin has to hold a scrap piece of metal to protect them… I find it hard to believe they would survive high winds like that, when Matt’s flight school teacher legit just got sucked up through the ceiling of the hanger and into the SHARKNADO.
  • They find a helicopter outside that was definitely not there before, and there are too many people for them to all get out of the city via chopper, not to mention the fact that it’s probably not ideal to fly during tornado/hurricane conditions. So Fin says, “We’re gonna stand and fight!”
  • Van Nuys just happens to have everything they need, because they find a surplus store with chainsaws and tools to make bombs…With chainsaws and bombs apparently.
  • The surplus store is where everyone’s feelings and emotions come out, because Fin and his daughter have a forced touching moment between each other that makes me yearn for the corny Danny Tanner talks with his girls.
  • Nova is finally revealing the story behind the mysterious scar to Matt. Like expected,  she tells some sob story about how when she was a kid, she went out in the water with her grandfather when she was attacked on the leg, but her grandfather and the five other people on the boat died because of the sharks. “I really hate sharks.”
  • Let me get this straight these people are going to single handedly equalize the tornado by throwing bombs into it and also kill the sharks? I don’t know whether this is based on science or another made up thing by the SyFy channel.
  • Fin is literally just shooting at the sharks with a shotgun. Straight up pointing it up in the air to the flying sharks coming out of the SHARKNADO and killing them with a shotgun.

  • So that bomb thing worked. Is this something we should train or military to do in the future in the event something like this actually happens?

  • Fin just sliced an incoming shark with a saw. He held up the saw like Rafiki in The Lion King and the shark split in half.

shark

  • Next to the flight school is a retirement home, and the old folks are outside in the pool. Do they not see what kind of shit is going down next door?
  • Ugh just realized how big of a cleanup this will be for the city of Los Angeles. Then realized this is a movie, not real life. Yet.
  • Matt’s flight school friend has his arm bit off by a shark, and if that isn’t bad enough, when he falls over and dies, another shark falls from the sky and lands on top of him. I cannot help but laugh at this.

  • Meanwhile, Matt and Nova are still up in the helicopter hovering near the SHARKNADO gearing up to throw the homemade bombs into the cyclone. On her last bomb, Nova gets caught by a shark, she falls out of the helicopter, and it eventually eats her. RIP. Matt’s obviously in shock, so he has some struggs landing the chopper, much to Fin’s distress.
  • Fin decides to take matters into his own hands to kill the last SHARKNADO. He takes out the Hummer that Aussie BFF (who also got attacked by a flying shark and died) loaded with bombs, and drives it up to the hills (For the record, the geography of this movie isn’t making sense, because there are no hills in Van Nuys and it’s bothering me). Fin has perfect timing as he drives to the top of the windy hill, as the SHARKNADO hovers right next to it. He lights the bombs in the car, presses the NITROUS BUTTON, jumps out, and the Hummer flies into the SHARKNADO, making the last one dissipate. Except for the fact that hundreds of dead sharks are now falling from the sky and into the LA streets.
  • OH MY GOD I LITERALLY HAVEN’T TYPED FOR LIKE THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT WAS ACTUALLY SUSPENSEFUL AND WTF HAHAHAHA

Ok, I’ve regained consciousness. Here’s what just happened: THE SHARK EATS HIM WHILE HE’S HOLDING THE CHAINSAW, BUT HE CUTS HIS WAY OUT USING SAID CHAINSAW IN THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE (I IMAGINE CHILDBIRTH TO LOOK LIKE THIS). BUT THEN: FIN PULLS NOVA OUT OF THE SHARK’S STOMACH BECAUSE OF COURSE OUT OF ALL THE SHARKS THIS IS THE SAME ONE THAT ATE HER.

  • Matt tries to give Nova CPR, and it works. Her first words are “I really hate sharks,” as she flashes her perfect fake eyelashes.
  • Tara Reid literally wipes the blood off Fin’s mouth kisses him. If you didn’t feel like vomiting before… you will now.
  • This is how they end the entire movie: TOUCHE, SHARKNADO FILM MAKERS. TOUCHE.

Favorite quotes:

  • “Don’t you ever make fun of my stool again.” Grabby McAllister
  • “What the hell, there are sharks in the street!” Nova, the sharpest tool in the shed
  • “That’s a tiger shark.” Nova “How do you know that?” Fin “Shark week?” Nova, educated broad
  • “It’s just a little wahtah (water), typical California is afraid of the rain?!” guy on the 405 who may be from Boston but it’s hard to tell with his horrible accent.
  • “Looks like it’s that time of the month.” – Aussie BFF after Tara Reid’s BF is killed in the bloody waters in her house’s foyer
  • “Take the 10 to the 405 and you’re in Beverly Hills” – Grabby McAllister doing his best Californians impression