I want to apologize if it looked like I was yelling at you in the title, but I really see no other way to type SHARKNADO other than in all caps.

Alright, you may have heard about this so bad it’s good (or so bad it’s bad) movie that debuted on the SyFy channel last week. Nearly 1.4 million people tuned in to find out what kind of havoc SHARKNADO can possibly create. So many people were talking about it on Twitter (which is why it inspired me to do this very post) that it generated more tweets than that controversial *NO SPOILERS* Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones a few weeks ago. AND there’s also talk about a sequel. What next, SHARKSUNAMI? I didn’t really know much about the movie before previewing approx 10 minutes of it, but I gathered that by the title alone, (and the poster) it was about a tornado full of sharks. I was right.

Does anyone remember Sharktopus that was on SyFy a few years ago? (Again, it’s exactly what it sounds like) I figured that SHARKNADO was in the same vein, so basically ridiculousness at its finest. Fun fact: the lead character that is not Eric Roberts went to my college and we had a marketing class together. If I had known he was going to be in Sharktopus… I still wouldn’t have talked to him. Alright folks, here we go! And obviously, spoiler alert.

• The movie starts off literally with a tornado of sharks over the ocean. like the tagline says, “Enough said.”

• Apparently we’re getting a brief preface before the “real” action happens. 20 miles off Mexico in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, there is hardass Captain who has caught a bunch of sharks and cut off their fins. He’s trying to sell them off to an Asian man who is going to use them for shark fin soup. Contrary to the fact that I am Asian, I honestly would never have known that this is a thing that a lot of Chinese restaurants sell. Like they literally cut off the shark fins, let the sharks die, and then stick the fins in some soup. Why do I know this? Because Kyle Chandler was on Ellen talking about how his daughter is on a crusade to stop Chinese restaurants in Texas from selling said soup. Coach is still teaching us life lessons, y’all. But is this supposed to be like a subliminal message telling us shark finning is bad? Is this movie sponsored by Oceana? Because it’s working.

• Legitimate question – are there really this many sharks off the coast of Mexico? Why is there a dense population of sharks there? Because if so, remind me to never go there while out on my shark finning scuba diving crusades.

• The hardass Captain in the middle of the stormy ocean gets enveloped by the SHARKNADO, then immediately cuts to a sunny shot of the Santa Monica pier and Tara Reid’s name in the credits. THE MOST JARRING SCENE CHANGE EVER.

• Also, this takes place in Los Angeles?!? GREAT. Good thing I live far enough away from the water to immediately get attacked by sharks. And Ian Ziering.

• Speaking of Ian Ziering, he owns a bar right at the end of the Santa Monica pier called Fin, and the locals are watching the news, where they report that a storm’s a brewin and its name is Hurricane David…. And the guy at the bar who just grabbed the butt of the ‘sexy’ waitress looks oddly familiar. OH IT’S BECAUSE HE’S THE DAD FROM HOME ALONE. And unfortunately, the creepy guy character actually suits him.

• Meanwhile, Ian is out surfing when the girl he’s flirting with suddenly gets eaten by a shark. He’s legit yelling, “SHARKS, GET OUT OF THE WATER! SHARKS!” to everyone on the beach yet no one is listening to him. These bitches are being eaten left and right. You really should’ve listened to Steve Sanders when you had the chance.

• HOLD UP. IAN ZIERING’S NAME IN THIS MOVIE IS FIN? HAHAHAHAHAHA

• The TV reporter says, “Global warming is DEFINITELY the cause of this event.” Again, is there an underlying message here SyFy? They’re all, “Yes, save the sharks but also, remember that global warming is really a thing.” Is Al Gore the secret exec producer on this?

• And Tara Reid makes her first appearance. God, I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything since Josie and the Pussycats. Nope, I’ve seen American Reunion. Let’s just say Josie and the Pussycats because what a gem of a movie that is.

• A huge wave engulfs the Santa Monica pier and suddenly the ‘sexy’ waitress, whose name is NOVA has a gun. Like one of those big guns that’s bigger than a rifle. I’m not a gun affeciando, so trust on this. But where did she find a gun on the pier?? The only thing you would find washed up on the pier frreal would be caricatures of tourists from Wisconsin and maybe that huge snake that one homeless guy lets people pet for free.

• Oh great the ferris wheel detached from the pier and is rolling directly down the road, because if sharks flying through the air weren’t enough, here’s a ton of metal about to land on your person.

• Ian/Steve/Fin, along with Grabby Mr. McAllister, Nova, and Fin’s Australian BFF (who was bit by a shark earlier but managed to survive), get in his Jeep wrangler and head for Beverly Hills so Fin can check on his ex-wife and daughter. However it’s now raining and the water falling on this car is so incredibly fake that it looks like they’re going through a $1 car wash.

• They decide to take the 405, but there’s traffic. Surprise surprise. It’s even worse when there’s a sea of sharks on the freeway. SHARKMAGEDDON, AMIRITE L.A.??

• Grabby McAllister is clearly wasted because he spends his days at Fin’s bar, so when they reach a point on the 405 where they can’t go any farther and can see a wave of sharks is about to come at them, Fin tries to help the stranded drivers run to safety (?). However Grabby McAllister mumbles, “There are sharks out there. You don’t have to go out there. There’s no reason to go out there!” And suddenly he’s the only person that makes sense.

• Ok so Nova has a gun, but Grabby McAllister had to bring his beloved stool from the bar and use it as a weapon?? He helps a woman whose dog is trapped in her car (which doesn’t make sense, because why would she lock her dog in the car without taking her keys) by shattering the glass with his bar stool. Woman and her beloved dog make it out, but Grabs McAllister doesn’t have the same luck – a shark comes flying at him and another one bites the dust.

• Another question – Fin and the gang see a huge wave come over the freeway, but somehow, the water isn’t going down the ramp they’re on. This doesn’t make sense. I know I’m trying to find logic in a movie called SHARKNADO, but still!

• They finally make it to Tara Reid’s house in BH, but she won’t let them in because she doesn’t believe that sharks are taking over the city. All of a sudden, a shark shoots up through a sewer and Nova just shoots it like a clay pigeon. Tara Reid finally believes their warning.

• Good lord the acting on this… is … incomparable. The only thing worse is the writing. And the CGI. And Tara Reid’s face.

• Water floods into Tara Reid’s house and into the foyer, leaving the gang plus Tara and Fin’s daughter stuck on the stairs. Oh, Tara had an asshole boyfriend who Fin tried to help but got eaten by a shark circling the foyer waters.

• They decide they need to go get their son, Matt, who is in flight school in Van Nuys, which is in the valley near me, where obviously the sharks can’t reach us. And is there really a flight school in Van Nuys?

• Explain to me how their entire foyer became a pool of bloody water but they all escaped without letting any water out or being covered in bloody water. And also explain how their entire home just fell to bits, but the house next to it looks fine.

• Just remembered that Nova has a scar on her upper leg, which makes me think she’s been in a similar shark situation before, and will probably come up later in the movie in some fascinating revelation.

• Tara Reid just picked up her purse and told Siri to call Matt. HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR PURSE ON YOUR PERSON RIGHT NOW.

• On their way to Van Nuys, they see a school bus, and Fin wants to stop and see if they need help. But Tara exclaims, “You care more about other people than you do your family!” AH HA! A protagonist flaw that will most likely be resolved by the end of the movie!

• “The water’s rising, I’m gonna go up to the bridge and repel down.” – Fin. Again, How do you have these random tools handy?? Fin’s response: “Semper Paratus” which means “Always Prepared” in Latin. Uh okay. But luckily he manages to save a bus full of 20 kids by repelling each of them up by a pulley system, including the bus driver who is clearly over this shit because he tells Fin he moved to L.A. to become an actor, and he did not see this the way his life would end.

• The wind from the hurricane has caused the Hollywood sign letters to fly off the mountain and are heading directly towards them. Yeah, the bus driver/actor is def going to die by these letters. “My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.” – Bus driver’s last words before a huge chunk of metal, presumably an O, pretty much slices him in half. Again, sharks aren’t the only thing that can kill you during a SHARKNADO.

• A overhead shot flies over downtown Los Angeles, and you can randomly see sharks flipping about on helicopter pads on roofs. Foreshadowing?

• Annndd their car blew up from all the flooding, or maybe it was the shark that literally blew through the roof of their car (see, foreshadowing!) but Nova killed it off with her gun.

• They finally reach Van Nuys where Matt’s flight school is, and also conveniently located next to a movie prop warehouse specializing in cars. Naturally, they steal a Hummer. A Hummer with a “Nitrous” button. Is that even a real thing?

• The gang finds Matt who looks extremely familiar yet again. And I realize that I recognize him as jock Van Dyke on the short-lived Jonas show on the Disney Channel. I would be embarassed by this but I have no shame. Incidentally, he was also in the new version of 90210 as well as American Reunion.

• The SHARKNADO comes to Van Nuys (!) and they hide in a mini bunker, but there’s no real door so Fin has to hold a scrap piece of metal to protect them… I find it hard to believe they would survive high winds like that, when Matt’s flight school teacher legit just got sucked up through the ceiling of the hanger and into the SHARKNADO.

• They find a helicopter outside that was definitely not there before, and there are too many people for them to all get out of the city via chopper, not to mention the fact that it’s probably not ideal to fly during tornado/hurricane conditions. So Fin says, “We’re gonna stand and fight!”

• Van Nuys just happens to have everything they need, because they find a surplus store with chainsaws and tools to make bombs…With chainsaws and bombs apparently.

• The surplus store is where everyone’s feelings and emotions come out, because Fin and his daughter have a forced touching moment between each other that makes me yearn for the corny Danny Tanner talks with his girls.

• Nova is finally revealing the story behind the mysterious scar to Matt. Like expected,  she tells some sob story about how when she was a kid, she went out in the water with her grandfather when she was attacked on the leg, but her grandfather and the five other people on the boat died because of the sharks. “I really hate sharks.”

• Let me get this straight these people are going to single handedly equalize the tornado by throwing bombs into it and also kill the sharks? I don’t know whether this is based on science or another made up thing by the SyFy channel.

• Fin is literally just shooting at the sharks with a shotgun. Straight up pointing it up in the air to the flying sharks coming out of the SHARKNADO and killing them with a shotgun.

• So that bomb thing worked. Is this something we should train or military to do in the future in the event something like this actually happens?

• Fin just sliced an incoming shark with a saw. He held up the saw like Rafiki in The Lion King and the shark split in half.

• Next to the flight school is a retirement home, and the old folks are outside in the pool. Do they not see what kind of shit is going down next door?

• Ugh just realized how big of a cleanup this will be for the city of Los Angeles. Then realized this is a movie, not real life. Yet.

• Matt’s flight school friend has his arm bit off by a shark, and if that isn’t bad enough, when he falls over and dies, another shark falls from the sky and lands on top of him. I cannot help but laugh at this.

• Meanwhile, Matt and Nova are still up in the helicopter hovering near the SHARKNADO gearing up to throw the homemade bombs into the cyclone. On her last bomb, Nova gets caught by a shark, she falls out of the helicopter, and it eventually eats her. RIP. Matt’s obviously in shock, so he has some struggs landing the chopper, much to Fin’s distress.

• Fin decides to take matters into his own hands to kill the last SHARKNADO. He takes out the Hummer that Aussie BFF (who also got attacked by a flying shark and died) loaded with bombs, and drives it up to the hills (For the record, the geography of this movie isn’t making sense, because there are no hills in Van Nuys and it’s bothering me). Fin has perfect timing as he drives to the top of the windy hill, as the SHARKNADO hovers right next to it. He lights the bombs in the car, presses the NITROUS BUTTON, jumps out, and the Hummer flies into the SHARKNADO, making the last one dissipate. Except for the fact that hundreds of dead sharks are now falling from the sky and into the LA streets.

• OH MY GOD I LITERALLY HAVEN’T TYPED FOR LIKE THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT WAS ACTUALLY SUSPENSEFUL AND WTF HAHAHAHA

Ok, I’ve regained consciousness. Here’s what just happened: THE SHARK EATS HIM WHILE HE’S HOLDING THE CHAINSAW, BUT HE CUTS HIS WAY OUT USING SAID CHAINSAW IN THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE (I IMAGINE CHILDBIRTH TO LOOK LIKE THIS). BUT THEN: FIN PULLS NOVA OUT OF THE SHARK’S STOMACH BECAUSE OF COURSE OUT OF ALL THE SHARKS THIS IS THE SAME ONE THAT ATE HER.

• Matt tries to give Nova CPR, and it works. Her first words are “I really hate sharks,” as she flashes her perfect fake eyelashes.

• Tara Reid literally wipes the blood off Fin’s mouth kisses him. If you didn’t feel like vomiting before… you will now.

• This is how they end the entire movie: TOUCHE, SHARKNADO FILM MAKERS. TOUCHE.

Favorite quotes:

• “Don’t you ever make fun of my stool again.” Grabby McAllister
• “What the hell, there are sharks in the street!” Nova, the sharpest tool in the shed
• “That’s a tiger shark.” Nova “How do you know that?” Fin “Shark week?” Nova, educated broad
• “It’s just a little wahtah (water), typical California is afraid of the rain?!” guy on the 405 who may be from Boston but it’s hard to tell with his horrible accent.
• “Looks like it’s that time of the month.” – Aussie BFF after Tara Reid’s BF is killed in the bloody waters in her house’s foyer
• “Take the 10 to the 405 and you’re in Beverly Hills” – Grabby McAllister doing his best Californians impression