Facebook Rules 101

Since I joined Facebook in 2004, the site has become a defining entity in worldwide culture. But when I first started, it was an entirely different site. First of all, your college had to be one of the select few on the network. You could only sign up with your college e-mail address, and you also went on a friending spree, requesting to be friends with every single person in your classes. Since then, Mark Zuckerberg has invited the entire world to join and made multiple changes to the site itself.

Now that I’m approaching my 9th (HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, 9TH?!) anniversary on FB, I feel like I have enough experience to be able to set some ground rules for all users of the social media site.

Don’t complain about new layouts. 

This has annoyed me over the past year or so in particular, because people’s complaints about new FB layouts bug the shit out of me. First of all, complainers take the time to WRITE ON FACEBOOK that they hate Facebook. HELLO? Secondly, technology is constantly changing – that’s kind of the point. So don’t get all in a huff because the your photos aren’t where they used to be. First world problems. Like everything, you’ll get used to it and then forget that it was even a problem in the first place. If you don’t like it, quit FB. But we all know 90% of people are like those folks who say they’re moving to Canada if so and so is elected president. How many people do you know actually moved to Canada after 2004?

The most recent profile change was rolled out by FB technicians for a few months, and even let you preview it before they completely changed it over. And you probably don’t even remember what the late 2012 profile looked like.

And guess what, people? Get ready for another change – the news feed is going to feature bigger photos. So don’t get your panties in a twist when the redesign rolls out.

Don’t post your relationship status on Facebook

Let me clarify: Don’t consistently write about how much your love your boyfriend and post unfocused pix of your romantic date night dinner at Olive Garden. I’m saying, if you’re in a relationship and then you break up, you’re just welcoming people to ask you about it. Unless you want to draw attention to yourself. But that’s obnoxious, and I should be questioning why we’re even friends in the first place. I’ve seen people even add “end of relationship” as a life event on their timeline, so like, that’s awkward.

Don’t treat Facebook like Twitter.

I don’t care if you’re hungry, I don’t care about what time you’re working, I don’t care about what time you’re getting out of work, I don’t care how tired you are. Also, don’t put that shit on twitter either. nobody needs to know that.

Don’t send game requests

I think this is pretty self-explanatory. I don’t use FB because there’s a lack of internet farming in my life. So just, don’t ask me to visit your Farmville.

Don’t post an entire album of your baby’s sonogram

Listen, I like babies. I just don’t think people of FB should be subjected to seeing 50 photo album of the unborn baby in your uterus come up on the news feed. I just don’t. Baby photos are fine. Especially if I want to stalk you and judge whether your baby is cute or not.

Don’t complain about privacy settings and then post stuff of Facebook

In case you didn’t know, there are privacy settings that you can change yourself. Like, you don’t HAVE to let everyone you’re friends with see your latest FB album that may have semi-incriminating pictures in them. You can restrict people from viewing certain things, and all you have to do is stop bitching and go to your privacy settings and change it. Also, another tip is that if you don’t want certain people seeing things you post on Facebook, how about just… not posting it on Facebook?

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