#MotivationMonday – Spring Cleaning

It’s hard to believe with some people walking through snow today, but yesterday was the first day of spring! And what better way to welcome the vernal equinox than by getting rid of all the clutter in your life for some spring cleaning? Here’s a guide I wrote a couple of years ago, but it still rings true until today. Start your spring off right and make your life more simple and stress free!

Spring Cleaning Your Life

Happy first day of spring, y’all! The sun shows its face a little longer (12 hours to be exact), the weather (usually) gets warmer and we can finally put the nasty winter behind us. The coming of spring is also a time for rebirth and regrowth, a marker for us to start anew. And that includes getting rid of anything in our lives that feels old or unused – aka it’s spring cleaning time.

I’m not talking about doing a thorough sweep of your house/apartment and getting rid of old items in your pantry or clothes that you haven’t worn in a year (although you should probs do that too). No, I’m talking about cleaning up your life. Things that effect you every day that you keep putting off but know you should do something about. Here are a few suggestions for making your life a little less messy and a little more bearable than ever before.

DVR

I am probably not the best example for this, but I’m hoping this will help some of you out there. The problem with television today is that there are too many good shows on right now. That means there are probably a lot of shows on your list that you have to go through every week. I’m not even going to tell you how many shows I actively watch, because it’s stupidly embarrassing. But there are also shows that are on my list that I just watch out of habit, that I should probably just delete from my DVR because it’s not adding anything to my life. Example: Heart of Dixie. Why did I start watching it? Jason Street and Summer Roberts (Scott Porter and Rachel Bilson). Why am I still watching it? No idea. I put it on and I only half pay attention to what is happening. If you asked me what’s going on this season, I could tell you that Zoe is still dating that Jewish boyfriend from NY and not with Wade, and Jamie King’s character is MIA because she had a baby IRL. Case in point: it’s time to clean out my series recordings.

Hard Drive

ben wyatt comp trash photo benwyatttrashcan_zps369c7a79.gif
Is your computer running slow? Maybe it’s because you have too many extemporaneous files and pictures and songs your never listen to stored in the nooks and crannies of your hard drive. It’s time to clean up those cookies and get rid of those songs you downloaded in college just to create some kind of party mix, because honestly, are you listening to SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the daily while relaxing or browsing the internet?

E-mail Subscriptions

I admit it: I’m the worst at e-mails. Replying, sending, deleting from my inbox. I also sign up for things and forget how I signed up in the first place. Like all those Groupon/LivingSocial/OneSaleADay shit is too much. Literally ‘Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That’. I went to the Tribeca Film Festival once in 2005 and I am still on their mailing list. Unless they’re going to personally fly me out to New York, I’m probably never going again. So why am I still receiving their e-mails?? BECAUSE I’M LAZY AND DELETE THEM INSTEAD OF JUST UNSUBSCRIBING.

Facebook Friends

thumbs_fyi-spring-cleaning-facebook-friends-friendship-ecards-someecards

You know when you’re going through your Facebook feed and you say “UGH” outloud when you see someone’s status of “going to the gym” or 500 pictures of the same baby just in different angles or those people who make politically incorrect and/or slightly racist comments  on your wall? Yeah, time to go through your list and unfriend those folks. You’re not in college anymore where the whole goal of Facebook was to be friends with every single person you had a class with. Use Facebook to stay connected with the people you actually care about. Maybe you’ll even find yourself complaining less about Facebook in general.

Actual Friends

girl bye nene

Let’s be real. There are people in your life that you should just cut off. If there’s anything I’ve learned being in my “late 20s” it’s that I don’t have patience or time to deal with people that don’t add to my life in any way. They might be the type of friends that add more drama to your life than is necessary as an adult or perhaps they are the type that are just… there, but either way, why are you wasting your time on people who aren’t a positive influence in your life when you could be hanging out with those who enrich your entire being? It may seem harsh, but you gonna do what you gotta do.

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Best of C+S 2015: The Day The Internet Had No Chill

One of the top cultural phenomena that we’ll remember when we think of 2015: this time we all weren’t sure what color a dress was, AND two llamas got out of a zoo, AND it happened on the same day. And we, the grown adults of the internet, all but lost any chill we ever had.

_____

Thursday was a DAY, y’all. So, as you’re reading this blog, I think it’s pretty clear that we are fans of the Internet. The Internet has been good to us. It’s connected us with you fine people. It brings us GIFs. It tells us facts in seconds that would’ve taken forever to look up in Encyclopedia Britannica. But yesterday was a day for the record books (Google books?)

It all started in the afternoon when two llamas went on the run in Sun City, Arizona. On the real, according to AzCentral, and I quote, “The llamas were participating in animal therapy at an assisted living facility when they escaped. Authorities believe the llamas got spooked when the door to the trailer they had arrived in opened. They said there was a third llama in the trailer, but it did not escape.”

Thanks to a local news affiliate’s live video feed (#bless), the whole world was able to watch these two run freely in the world for about a 20-minute chase as handlers tried their best to wrangle them.

TBH, I showed up to the party late and couldn’t stay long, as my job doesn’t really allow me to enjoy nice things, so I had to quickly catch up and figure out what was happening. But by the time I entered the #LlamaDrama, there were already a ton of memes floating around. It’s stuff like this that the Internet was made for. We are at are best when we all have to make comments on a ridiculous thing. Here are some of what the Internet folks came up with.

My personal favorite:

When they incorporated the llamas with Balloon Boy. REMEMBER BALLOON BOY??

When someone had to speak the damn truth:

When I will laugh at a pun joke even if it’s not that funny (this one’s funny):

When they brought in Bri Willy:
When they incorporated a meme from the Super Bowl:

https://twitter.com/Comingstorm/status/571053036727988224

When CNN LIT’RALLY INTERVIEWED A CELEBRITY LLAMA NAMED PIERRE:

Was that enough excitement for one day? NOPE. Just a few hours later, a girl took to the Internet for advice on a dress someone was considering to buy, and they sent a pic of it asking if it was black and blue or white and gold. Tumblr first went crazy, as they are wont to do, and it then spread to the rest of social media. It soon became a war. Bloodshed. Lives ruined. People actually breaking up. Friendships torn apart. It was a gruesome scene. Even the local news here covered it. Literally the LA news station showed a picture of the dress and asked what color it was. LA NEWS IS NOT REAL NEWS. But I digress.

On Tumblr, GIFs and stills from TV shows were obviously used.

peggy-carter:

i went to work for six hours and come back to tumblr and my ENTIRE DASH is this dress thing and finally i understand that community gif on a spiritual level

goopypaltrow:

it’s not black/blue, nor is it white/gold.  It’s actually cerulean. And you’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent… wasn’t it who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it, uh, filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of stuff.

 

halpertjames:

I have never felt more like Jim Halpert in my life.

But the best responses came from Twitter.

Of course there’s already a Twitter account for The Dress

And celebrities, who obviously got in on the action. Even Taylor Swift chimed in. Honestly, if Oprah and/or Beyonce tweeted or Instagramed about it it would have been game over.

By FAR, Mindy Kaling had the best response to #TheDress. She was up in arms about it, staying strong in her #BlackandBlue stance, as only Mindy could. It’s exactly the type of response I expected from her, but I am obsessed with just how far she went. Her annoyance got increasingly more dramatic and I feel like she should probably just put this in her show now.

^^same^^

If you missed our tweet last night, we gave our two cents too:

 But what we really need is some perspective, courtesy of the rainbow infused space unicorn:

For the record, the folks at Buzzfeed (who started this who viral mess) tracked down the girl who first posted about the dress, and she says it’s black and blue. It’s all about lighting, y’all. Either way, whatever team you’re on – #WhiteandGold, #BlackandBlue, #LlamasOnTheRun, #LeftShark, it’s good to know we can all collectively #BreakTheInternet without actually baring our butts.

What a time to be alive.

The Day The Internet Had No Chill

Thursday was a DAY, y’all. So, as you’re reading this blog, I think it’s pretty clear that we are fans of the Internet. The Internet has been good to us. It’s connected us with you fine people. It brings us GIFs. It tells us facts in seconds that would’ve taken forever to look up in Encyclopedia Britannica. But yesterday was a day for the record books (Google books?)

It all started in the afternoon when two llamas went on the run in Sun City, Arizona. On the real, according to AzCentral, and I quote, “The llamas were participating in animal therapy at an assisted living facility when they escaped. Authorities believe the llamas got spooked when the door to the trailer they had arrived in opened. They said there was a third llama in the trailer, but it did not escape.”

Thanks to a local news affiliate’s live video feed (#bless), the whole world was able to watch these two run freely in the world for about a 20-minute chase as handlers tried their best to wrangle them.

TBH, I showed up to the party late and couldn’t stay long, as my job doesn’t really allow me to enjoy nice things, so I had to quickly catch up and figure out what was happening. But by the time I entered the #LlamaDrama, there were already a ton of memes floating around. It’s stuff like this that the Internet was made for. We are at are best when we all have to make comments on a ridiculous thing. Here are some of what the Internet folks came up with.

My personal favorite:

When they incorporated the llamas with Balloon Boy. REMEMBER BALLOON BOY??

When someone had to speak the damn truth:

When I will laugh at a pun joke even if it’s not that funny (this one’s funny):

When they brought in Bri Willy:
When they incorporated a meme from the Super Bowl:

When CNN LIT’RALLY INTERVIEWED A CELEBRITY LLAMA NAMED PIERRE:

Was that enough excitement for one day? NOPE. Just a few hours later, a girl took to the Internet for advice on a dress someone was considering to buy, and they sent a pic of it asking if it was black and blue or white and gold. Tumblr first went crazy, as they are wont to do, and it then spread to the rest of social media. It soon became a war. Bloodshed. Lives ruined. People actually breaking up. Friendships torn apart. It was a gruesome scene. Even the local news here covered it. Literally the LA news station showed a picture of the dress and asked what color it was. LA NEWS IS NOT REAL NEWS. But I digress.

On Tumblr, GIFs and stills from TV shows were obviously used.

peggy-carter:

i went to work for six hours and come back to tumblr and my ENTIRE DASH is this dress thing and finally i understand that community gif on a spiritual level

goopypaltrow:

it’s not black/blue, nor is it white/gold.  It’s actually cerulean. And you’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent… wasn’t it who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it, uh, filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of stuff.

 

halpertjames:

I have never felt more like Jim Halpert in my life.

But the best responses came from Twitter.

Of course there’s already a Twitter account for The Dress

And celebrities, who obviously got in on the action. Even Taylor Swift chimed in. Honestly, if Oprah and/or Beyonce tweeted or Instagramed about it it would have been game over.

By FAR, Mindy Kaling had the best response to #TheDress. She was up in arms about it, staying strong in her #BlackandBlue stance, as only Mindy could. It’s exactly the type of response I expected from her, but I am obsessed with just how far she went. Her annoyance got increasingly more dramatic and I feel like she should probably just put this in her show now.

^^same^^

If you missed our tweet last night, we gave our two cents too:

 But what we really need is some perspective, courtesy of the rainbow infused space unicorn:

For the record, the folks at Buzzfeed (who started this who viral mess) tracked down the girl who first posted about the dress, and she says it’s black and blue. It’s all about lighting, y’all. Either way, whatever team you’re on – #WhiteandGold, #BlackandBlue, #LlamasOnTheRun, #LeftShark, it’s good to know we can all collectively #BreakTheInternet without actually baring our butts.

What a time to be alive.

Ello, Goodbye: Remembering Social Media Networks of the Past

You guys have heard of this new social media network called Ello, right? Over the past week or so, I kept seeing it on Facebook (ironically) and around the internetz, and still didn’t really understand what its deal was. For those of you who need the DL on Ello, it’s an invite-only social network that is kind of like Facebook, but without ads. My friend described the look of it as a “hipster Facebook”, with clean lines and simple design.

 

Now, I don’t know about you, but if you already hate Facebook, I’m guessing you don’t want to be on another social media site. Most of the people I know who quit FB or barely log on or don’t have an account at all hate that FB inundates you with all the details about your “friends” lives, so if Ello is supposed to be an alternative to FB, why would anyone sign up? Plus, it’s just another website to forget the correct user name/password combo. I get the whole curiosity of it all, so if you’re on Ello, let me know how it goes for you.

But also remember that since we live in a world where there are more social media networks than people in China (not an actual statistic), new startups have to be one-of-a-kind and standout in the crowd. Moreover, our generation of Millennials, while we aren’t exactly close-minded when it comes to new networks (we did have to figure out how the internet worked as tweens, after all), we are also selective as to what we decide to spend our time on. While time will only tell for Ello, let’s take a look at some other social media sites that have gone to the internet graveyard in the past few years.

MySpace

In Tom’s defense, MySpace was a big networking site for a long time. I admit, even I spent a little too long deciding what the theme to my profile page should be and who my top 8 were. But to me, MySpace always had a skeezy quality to it – like a prime breeding ground for Catfish. Not to mention the whole getting bombarded by singers and bands you didn’t know. Unfortunately for Tom, Mark Zuckerberg came along and stole all his thunder. Now MySpace is owned partly by Justin Timberlake and mostly used for what it always has been popular for – music.

Friendster

The only reason I ever had a Friendster account was because my cousins in the Philippines all had one. It was like their Facebook before Facebook, except more boring. The concept was the same – post pictures of yourself, write about your interests and hobbies, interact with friends, etc. etc. But when I talked to my friends back home in the U.S. about Friendster, no one knew what I was talking about. And there’s your problem right there. Friendster was shut down in 2011, but relaunched as a gaming site. It’s mainly popular in – you guessed it – Southeast Asia.

Xanga

Speaking of Asians, I first heard about Xanga from other Asians, except ones who were living in America. Xanga was not only a site that had a similar debate like the GIF/JIF debacle, but provided a social network with a blogging component. I remember using a lot of emoticons and tYpiNg OuT mY WorDz LykE This lolLLLzzzZ. Last year, Xanga rebooted itself and came out with Xanga 2.0, which is still a blogging webspace, but now you have to pay a fee to use it. You know homie don’t play that game.

Eons

Have you guys ever heard of Eons? Didn’t think so. It’s probably because it was a social network geared towards the elderly. That’s right, the same grandparents that can’t figure out texting let alone their remote control, were the primary demographic for the site. The site was launched in 2007, which in the grand scheme of things, was at the height of Facebook’s *ooh look it’s new and shiny* phase, so my guess is that a lot of people over 50 still didn’t get what all the hype over social media was about. If there’s anything we can learn from Eons, it’s know your demographic. Also, maybe pick a better name.

Orkut

Orkut was the social media site made by Google, and named after one of its employees, Orkut Büyükkökten (The guy who made Eons would’ve probs called this site Büyükkökten instead). Google built the site over a decade ago, but it never really took off – except in random countries like India and Brazil. Incidentally, Google officially shut down Orkut just two days ago on September 30th, but luckily for the site’s users, you have until 2016 to get your personal information and files back. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for AOL Hometown page (RIP my first website).

Google +

Yes, I know Google + still exists, but honestly, stop trying to make it happen. Does anyone really use it for real? Like in a serious manner? It seems too convoluted and obnoxious. I love my Gmail and Google Docs and Cal, etc, but this thing is just too much.

Spring Cleaning Your Life

Happy first day of spring, y’all! The sun shows its face a little longer (12 hours to be exact), the weather (usually) gets warmer and we can finally put the nasty winter behind us. The coming of spring is also a time for rebirth and regrowth, a marker for us to start anew. And that includes getting rid of anything in our lives that feels old or unused – aka it’s spring cleaning time.

I’m not talking about doing a thorough sweep of your house/apartment and getting rid of old items in your pantry or clothes that you haven’t worn in a year (although you should probs do that too). No, I’m talking about cleaning up your life. Things that effect you every day that you keep putting off but know you should do something about. Here are a few suggestions for making your life a little less messy and a little more bearable than ever before.

DVR

I am probably not the best example for this, but I’m hoping this will help some of you out there. The problem with television today is that there are too many good shows on right now. That means there are probably a lot of shows on your list that you have to go through every week. I’m not even going to tell you how many shows I actively watch, because it’s stupidly embarrassing. But there are also shows that are on my list that I just watch out of habit, that I should probably just delete from my DVR because it’s not adding anything to my life. Example: Heart of Dixie. Why did I start watching it? Jason Street and Summer Roberts (Scott Porter and Rachel Bilson). Why am I still watching it? No idea. I put it on and I only half pay attention to what is happening. If you asked me what’s going on this season, I could tell you that Zoe is still dating that Jewish boyfriend from NY and not with Wade, and Jamie King’s character is MIA because she had a baby IRL. Case in point: it’s time to clean out my series recordings.

Hard Drive

ben wyatt comp trash photo benwyatttrashcan_zps369c7a79.gif
Is your computer running slow? Maybe it’s because you have too many extemporaneous files and pictures and songs your never listen to stored in the nooks and crannies of your hard drive. It’s time to clean up those cookies and get rid of those songs you downloaded in college just to create some kind of party mix, because honestly, are you listening to SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the daily while relaxing or browsing the internet?

E-mail Subscriptions

I admit it: I’m the worst at e-mails. Replying, sending, deleting from my inbox. I also sign up for things and forget how I signed up in the first place. Like all those Groupon/LivingSocial/OneSaleADay shit is too much. Literally ‘Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That’. I went to the Tribeca Film Festival once in 2005 and I am still on their mailing list. Unless they’re going to personally fly me out to New York, I’m probably never going again. So why am I still receiving their e-mails?? BECAUSE I’M LAZY AND DELETE THEM INSTEAD OF JUST UNSUBSCRIBING.

Facebook Friends

thumbs_fyi-spring-cleaning-facebook-friends-friendship-ecards-someecards

You know when you’re going through your Facebook feed and you say “UGH” outloud when you see someone’s status of “going to the gym” or 500 pictures of the same baby just in different angles or those people who make politically incorrect and/or slightly racist comments  on your wall? Yeah, time to go through your list and unfriend those folks. You’re not in college anymore where the whole goal of Facebook was to be friends with every single person you had a class with. Use Facebook to stay connected with the people you actually care about. Maybe you’ll even find yourself complaining less about Facebook in general.

Actual Friends

girl bye nene

Let’s be real. There are people in your life that you should just cut off. If there’s anything I’ve learned being in my “late 20s” it’s that I don’t have patience or time to deal with people that don’t add to my life in any way. They might be the type of friends that add more drama to your life than is necessary as an adult or perhaps they are the type that are just… there, but either way, why are you wasting your time on people who aren’t a positive influence in your life when you could be hanging out with those who enrich your entire being? It may seem harsh, but you gonna do what you gotta do.

So Your Mom’s On Facebook

Here’s a generational marker I never thought would make me feel old: I remember when Facebook first started. In the 2004-2005 school year, I was a Freshman in college and my school was one of the early adopters* of Facebook (or “the Facebook” as we called it at the time). When you met someone at a party, they’d ask if you were “on the Facebook.” After working with a kid on a group project, you’d go back to your dorm and discover that you’d been “poked.” Facebook was like a whole world populated solely by college kids.** It was like Lord of The Flies that way. You couldn’t get on there without an .edu address, and it was a parent-free zone.

Unless you’ve been Rip van Winkle-ing*** since 2005, you know what’s happened since. Like all things that have lost their youth culture cache, Facebook has been taken over by moms. If it hasn’t happened yet, it’s coming soon — the friend request from your mother. It’s bad. My mom is on Facebook, and she is the worst because she takes everything she reads very seriously and literally. A few months ago, she said to me “I didn’t know your cousin ‘Derek’ was gay!”.

“He’s not gay, mom. He has a girlfriend.” I know having a girlfriend isn’t the sine qua non of straightness, but I also have really solid gaydar.

“No. He’s gay. His status is “I am a homosexual.”

Oh, brother. Here we go. My cousin is that particular kind of dude-bro who has friends who sneak into his Facebook account and write homophobic stuff because they think it’s hilarious. By the by, his mom and sister are both lesbians.

“Mom. Nobody says “homosexual” except for Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. That was Derek’s friends.”

Cut to two weeks later. “Derek is DEFINTELY gay. Look at his status now!”

I looked. His status was now “I like dick.” I considered explaining to her that nobody, gay or straight, would write that, but figured it was a losing battle.

There are a few ways to prevent scenarios like this:

Ignore Friend Request
This is the cleanest option, and works best with tech-clueless moms. You can tell her that the request didn’t go through, or assume that she’ll never know how to figure out if you’ve confirmed. If your mom is the type to nag a lot, is okay with computers, or will read a large-scale rejection into this, then I’d skip the ignore option.

Heightened Privacy Settings
Make a list of people you want to restrict, then make a “custom” post setting so that nothing is seen by people on those lists. If you have a bunch of gossip-mongers in your family, this might have to go beyond your mom. There are some things that I wouldn’t mind, say, my aunt seeing, but I know she’d bring it up to my mom, so I play it safe and hide it from all of them. That includes posts from this blog. One of my favorite gems of writing advice comes from Anne Lamott, who suggested you “write as if your parents are dead.” I find that “write as if your parents don’t use social networking” works almost as well.

Cleansing Your Past
A lot of us have stopped using Facebook in earnest. With full-time jobs and professional degrees on the line, we aren’t posting photos of us “totally wasted!” at 2am on a Saturday. We’re in bed by then anyway. However, if your mom is nosy enough, then she might reach into the way-back years. A while ago I took a trip down Facebook memory lane, and apparently I was kind of trashy and skanky in college. You might want to clean up your past a little. Just think of it as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Internet Record.

Sanitizing the Future
If you really don’t want to block your mom, then every time you write something you have to realize that your mom is going to see it – and, as I discussed above, is probably going to read a whole lot into it. It’s okay to write “Sooo tired!”. It’s not okay to write “I haven’t been this tired since I took a 24-hour bus ride to Florida, went to a sketchy karaoke bar, then stayed at the apartment of these iffy Southern frat boys who just said they were taking us out for grits then wouldn’t take us to our hotel.” This is a new life, and in this new life, your mom is on Facebook and that never happened.****

Continuing as you Were
Maybe you aren’t one of those people who has stopped really using Facebook. Maybe you’re also not one of those people whose life has turned staid and orderly after college. Maybe in that case, you’ll just say screw it, accept your mom’s friend request, and carry on posting as you were. You’re probably smarter than all of us, actually. While the rest of us are covertly restricting our photo albums or writing vague, cheerful statuses, you can just let it all hang out. Actually, if you do this right, you might repulse your mom so much that she will disavow of Facebook altogether.

I suggest you start with posting “I like dick.”

* My college got Facebook early because it was “the Harvard of the SUNY system,” which I guess is almost a compliment. Or almost an insult. Not sure which.
** Another thing that’s like a whole world populated solely by college kids: College.
*** Rip van Winklevossing?
****Only thing worse than spending 24 hours on a bus: spending 24 hours on a bus, then ending up in Florida.

A Sea of Red

Last week, you probably saw your Facebook, Twitter, and essentially the internet pop up with an overwhemling sea of red. At least mine did. If you’re not aware, as a sign of support for the Supreme Court’s two big hearings about same-sex marriage laws which began on Monday, people changed their profile pictures, cover photos, etc. to this:

For the record, I am a huge supporter of gay marriage (or, marriage) and gay rights ( or, human rights). But I didn’t feel the need to change my profile picture to this because A) Everyone was doing it, and I didn’t want to conform, B) How long is this supposed to last? C) I don’t feel like I need to change my profile picture to a red equal sign just to prove to most of the people I’m friends with that I’m for gay marriage D) I hate that we live in a world where we have to do this kind of thing in the first place.

Ok, off my soapbox. That being said, it got a little annoying that I couldn’t deliniate people’s FB pic from everyone else, but lo and behold, a few quality red equality signs had redesigns, and they’re awesome. Here are a few of my favorites. (most of these are from Buzzfeed!)

Rothko!

Sleeping Tilda Swinton

Dumbledore puppet

bacon

bert and ernie

grumpy cat

paula deen

les mis! slash i can’t stop singing this song with all the red i’m seeing

nannnnsegonyahhhh

Facebook Rules 101

Since I joined Facebook in 2004, the site has become a defining entity in worldwide culture. But when I first started, it was an entirely different site. First of all, your college had to be one of the select few on the network. You could only sign up with your college e-mail address, and you also went on a friending spree, requesting to be friends with every single person in your classes. Since then, Mark Zuckerberg has invited the entire world to join and made multiple changes to the site itself.

Now that I’m approaching my 9th (HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, 9TH?!) anniversary on FB, I feel like I have enough experience to be able to set some ground rules for all users of the social media site.

Don’t complain about new layouts. 

This has annoyed me over the past year or so in particular, because people’s complaints about new FB layouts bug the shit out of me. First of all, complainers take the time to WRITE ON FACEBOOK that they hate Facebook. HELLO? Secondly, technology is constantly changing – that’s kind of the point. So don’t get all in a huff because the your photos aren’t where they used to be. First world problems. Like everything, you’ll get used to it and then forget that it was even a problem in the first place. If you don’t like it, quit FB. But we all know 90% of people are like those folks who say they’re moving to Canada if so and so is elected president. How many people do you know actually moved to Canada after 2004?

The most recent profile change was rolled out by FB technicians for a few months, and even let you preview it before they completely changed it over. And you probably don’t even remember what the late 2012 profile looked like.

And guess what, people? Get ready for another change – the news feed is going to feature bigger photos. So don’t get your panties in a twist when the redesign rolls out.

Don’t post your relationship status on Facebook

Let me clarify: Don’t consistently write about how much your love your boyfriend and post unfocused pix of your romantic date night dinner at Olive Garden. I’m saying, if you’re in a relationship and then you break up, you’re just welcoming people to ask you about it. Unless you want to draw attention to yourself. But that’s obnoxious, and I should be questioning why we’re even friends in the first place. I’ve seen people even add “end of relationship” as a life event on their timeline, so like, that’s awkward.

Don’t treat Facebook like Twitter.

I don’t care if you’re hungry, I don’t care about what time you’re working, I don’t care about what time you’re getting out of work, I don’t care how tired you are. Also, don’t put that shit on twitter either. nobody needs to know that.

Don’t send game requests

I think this is pretty self-explanatory. I don’t use FB because there’s a lack of internet farming in my life. So just, don’t ask me to visit your Farmville.

Don’t post an entire album of your baby’s sonogram

Listen, I like babies. I just don’t think people of FB should be subjected to seeing 50 photo album of the unborn baby in your uterus come up on the news feed. I just don’t. Baby photos are fine. Especially if I want to stalk you and judge whether your baby is cute or not.

Don’t complain about privacy settings and then post stuff of Facebook

In case you didn’t know, there are privacy settings that you can change yourself. Like, you don’t HAVE to let everyone you’re friends with see your latest FB album that may have semi-incriminating pictures in them. You can restrict people from viewing certain things, and all you have to do is stop bitching and go to your privacy settings and change it. Also, another tip is that if you don’t want certain people seeing things you post on Facebook, how about just… not posting it on Facebook?

25 Things: A Viral Facebook post Revisited

In 2009, a trend swept over Facebook. Like poking, bumper stickers, and Farmville, it seemed like everyone was succumbing to the latest Facebook craze – 25 Random Things About Me.

fb 25

It was a list of (clearly) 25 things about yourself that your friends probably don’t know. Like an AOL chain letter, it spread like wildfire, and I actually found it kind of cool to learn things about your FB ‘friends’ that you didn’t know before. Or it makes me a stalker. Jury’s still out.

In fact, the note became so popular that the New York Times even wrote an article about it, describing the origins and statistics of the note (“…nearly five million notes on people’s profiles have been created in the last week, and many of them are lists of “25 Random Things.”)

So I decided to look my own list up – yes, I did it because I was a sucker and gave into peer pressure easily – and nearly 4 years later, I still  think that these things are interesting facts about me that most people don’t know (or maybe they’re not, so don’t read it). So in the interest of full disclosure (and complete self-indulgence), here’s my list of 25 Random Things About Me. If you gave in to this craze in ’09 like me, I’d love to hear what some of your ‘things’ were! Just FYI: it will take you forever to find your Notes section on FB. What an ancient app.

1) my first job was at my old elementary school working as a babysitter of sorts for the same after school program i attended when i was a child. i stopped working there after 1 school year, which is probably good because i fell asleep one time while the kids were watching a disney movie.

2) the best decision i have ever made was to apply for the castle well program. i will forever look back at that time as some of the best days of my life.

3) i’ve been to 18 different countries around the world. 12 of which were visited during my 3.5 month stint at the kasteel.

4) one of those countries, the philippines, i have been to 4 times, as my parents and i go every 5 years for a family reunion. that is until they decided to change it up and go without me my senior year of college.

5) my dad is one of nine children, and my mom is one of five, so i have more cousins and second cousins and third cousins than i know of. all of whom live far away from me so i barely know them as it is.

6) i am an only child, which is not as glamorous as it sounds. i wish that i had a sibling that would kind of be an automatic best friend and understand exactly what i’m going through in terms of family stuff. or life stuff even. it/they would just be nice to have around.

7) i used to be a huge fan of the rosie o’donnell show. so much so that i taped it every day and even had the koosh shooting thing she had on her show. don’t judge me.

8) some people like the smell of gasoline, i like the smell of new textbooks.

9) i spent 13 years dancing tap and ballet and hope to take it up again someday.

10) i am a strong believer of ‘everything happens for a reason,’ even when it doesn’t seem to be so.

11) as a kid, i watched tv shows that were clearly not meant for my age demographic. i.e. watching days of our livesparty of five, and the real world london at the age of 9.

12) i have never had any major or fairly minor health problems, including broken bones or cavities. oh except for the time in 6th grade when i was running in a parking lot and fell and sprained my ankle.

13) speaking of 6th grade, i consistently got 100% on all my spelling tests, which led me to be one of the finalists in our class to be in the city wide spelling bee. but i made the horrible mistake of spelling “architect” wrong (i forgot the silent h), and it was one of the worst days of my 6th grade life. since then, i have never spelled that word wrong again.

14) my dream job is to work for the disney channel. if they have a special events department, that would be ideal.

15) i met mario lopez at a taping of american idol and told him that saved by the bell was my favorite show ever and that i knew every line. after an awkward pause, he smiled at me and handed me his autograph.

16) the first cd I ever bought was Alanis Morrisette’s jagged little pill.The second was Weird Al Yankovic’s bad hair day. (what can i say, amish paradise was popular at the time)

17) The first broadway musical i ever saw was annie get your gun featuring Crystal Bernard, who was one of the main characters in the 90’s sitcom, wings, yet another tv show i can add to the list of being kind of too young to watch.

18) There is not a day goes by that i do not make a friendsgilmore girls, or the office reference.

19) i used to play the flute (and was really good at it), but i quit in 7th grade solely because i didn’t like our band director.

20) i have an uncanny skill of detecting an insect in a room. i can somehow see a spider in my periph across the room, then proceed to have someone else kill it for me.

21) there was a period of time when i made it a point to watch mulan every single day. i think it lasted for a about 2 months. is anyone actually surprised by this?

22) I have never seen “classic” movies such as any of the star warslord of the ringsindiana jones, or pirates of the caribbean movies. But i have seen ever afternotting hill, and a walk to remember more times than I can remember.

23) sophomore year of college, i skipped classes with dina and amy to go to nyc for the day to go to TRL. not only did i tell ashlee simpson to “work it” (after which she proceeded to laugh), but i also WAVED to surprise guest stevie wonder because i was so excited to see him. i don’t think he waved back.

24) speaking of TRL, i was once a “TRL fan of the week.” they showed my picture and a few facts about me. carson said my name and congratulated me. it was a good day.

25) i have cried twice in situations relating to the backstreet boys. the first being when i couldn’t get tickets to the sold out millenium tour in buffalo in 1999, so i somehow bought tickets online for the nosebleed seats at the sky dome in toronto instead. the second being when they announced that aj was going to rehab on trl. the third time will probably be when i reach my lifelong goal of meeting them IRL. *KTBSPA*

Wall Posts From Our Snarky Duggar Facebook Group

Circa 2005, the Duggars were different than they are now. For one thing, they had about 3 Average American Families-worth fewer children. They also had a much different look. Before they went “modern modest,” (which means long jean skirts, polo shirts with t shirts underneath and crunchy perms) their style was more Little House On The Prairie meets 1980s rural Southern beauty pageant. The family was also much more upfront about how creepy they were – before the series, when they starred in occasional specials, the Duggars openly talked about their involvement with the creepy ATI and Bill Gothard.

This is how they looked then. Michelle’s collar is made from a pilgrim costume pattern. Jessa was already the pretty one.

Of course, Traci and I were obsessed with them. Obsessed with their jumpers and with Michelle’s shirt collars the size of dinner plates (to “enhance the countenance,” she said, which means to “bring out your face”). We were obsessed with Michelle’s mullet perm and with the weirdly specific gender roles in the family. With their basement home-church and salty tater tot casserole. So, we did what every obsessed television viewer did in 2005: we started a Facebook group.

I think this was our first foray into online collaboration, and it was a resounding success. I can’t remember how many members there were, but I remember that it was absolutely ridiculous. Not to brag but it was the biggest Duggar group on all of Facebook. It was a tongue-in-cheek take-down of our favorite fundie family, but apparently fundamentalist homeschoolers rarely learn the nuances of humor and sarcasm. I think we were fairly forthright, really. Our pictures included random large groups of children and giant rabbit litters. Our first update was about how Michelle’s collars had recently increased in size (countenances now 95% more modest!). I think our second was about how Michelle was attending a seminar to get better at gazing adoringly at Jim Bob. Here was our group description:

The Duggars: Jim Bob, Michelle, Joshua, Jana Marie, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace, and Josie.

Interests: buddies, jurisdictions, mulletty bangs, quiverfull family planning, homeschool conferences, fundamentalism, babies, submissiveness, the Lord, modesty, the J section of the baby name book, repealing female suffrage, tater tot casseroles, sonograms, hating science except for sonograms.

Unfortunately, Facebook moved from the group format to the page format, and our group got archived. Nowadays, the only members are us and a few people who evidently requested membership in the archives or some-such. Luckily, we still have a few wall posts visible.

Here are just a few things that people wrote in what we thought was an obvious social media roast of the Duggars. Original spelling and grammar are retained, except where crazy-incomprehensible:

A: you need a gigantic birth control. using your kids to further your income disgusting. and get a new hairdo you look like a country and western singer from the 50s.

Follow-up Comments:

B: If you feel that way, dont watch.
A: dont send me any more personal messages christian you religious freak. I dont watch,  B, if the show goes off the air you will be making their welfare payments
B: then why did you join a “I dig the Duggars” page? and no I want be paying for thier welfare payments.
C: I love the duggers to call us what you want A. I’m proud to be a religious freak cause when I die I’m heaven bound . Thank God for us religous freaks.

[So, clearly we never moderated this group and also I haven’t looked at it for about 5 years. Does A think that I am a Duggar, or does she just think that I need “a gigantic birth control” anyway? Usually a regular-sized one will do the trick. But at least A is on our side, if misguidedly. B. did not read the group description and is evidently sending other members personal messages about Jesus. Thank God for “religous freaks,” indeed.]

A: Nice to see you have around twice as many members as the “anti-duggar alliance” group 😉 The Duggars seem like a lovely family and they are clearly providing a very good start for their kids.

Follow-up Comments:

B: This is technically a snarky anti-duggar group. You can tell by reading the “interests” section, which apparently not many people who joined this group did. Note the “repealing female suffrage” and “hating science except for sonograms” part. Holy shit.
C: B for the win.

Watch the writers of the following posts closely:

A: Wow, I didn’t realize Anna is already 6 months pregnant! Good for her. Also, I just watched the touching episode of Jim Bob’s dad’s passing. It really emphasized their belief in Jesus, and that they WILL see him again!

A: She isn’t 6 months pregnant, you moron! She is 3 months pregnant. I never was very good at math. Anyway, congratulations, Anna. May God bless you with many more!

[In case you missed it, this woman followed up her own post with a post calling herself a “moron” for being bad at pregnancy-math. I’m just going to leave that there without further commentary.]

I watch the show faithfully every week, even though I’m still waiting for that random meteor to hit their house. And yet, I’m hoping that Jim Bob can be on the 2012 Republican ticket.

[The writer of this comment (male) has the most serious mullet I’ve seen in my life. I can only assume that this commenter was a staunch Dem who was angling for a 100% chance of victory in 2012. For the record, I would have LOVED JB as a presidential candidate. This gentleman sounds way too confident that at some point, a random meteor will hit the Duggar house.  I’m a bit nervous that he sent the meteor.]

There was a really really long back and forth between an older lady and some youths about homeschooling and stuff. She asks:

Just curious – are you guys all friends or is this part of an assignment or something? Very eloquent arguments.

[If you were wondering, teachers these days do usually assign students to engage in debates about reality stars with strangers on internet fan-boards. That was probably most of our traffic if I’m being all the way honest.]

I am thankful for the show and even though I may not get to meet them here I know I will in heaven.

[There are hundreds of posts in praise of the Duggars, but for some reason that one was just extra sad to me.]

OK, I was reading the description section above about the Duggars and now can’t determine if this is a fan page or not – at any rate, are the Duggars really in favor of repealing female suffrage?!

[Probably, yeah.]

Yes, it is a blessing to see a women give her body to the Lord, for he is the giver and taker of life!

[I’m not positive what “a women” is but on the chance that I am one, how do I give my body to the Lord? Is this like giving your body to science? Because you have to be dead for that. ]

I just had my 4th. I hope to have many more. I don’t think I will make it to 17 but I LOVE watching their shows. Very cool

[This was posted 5 ½ years ago, so I checked this lady’s FB page. Only 5 kids. One baby in five years?! Slacker. In five years Michelle Duggar could have had at least four babies and already had them partially raised by her other kids.]

I’d love to sire 10-12 youngsters with a God-fearing woman. Just don’t have the financial security right now. Gotta love the Duggars.

[As of 6 years later this gentleman appears to have found a God-fearing woman. Not sure about financial security. He is wearing a tie though.]

If you’ve forgotten, these were the Duggars during those halcyon days: