Onion Ring Instagrams and Other Secret Celebrity Accounts

Celebrities, they’re just like us.

The MSM (Mainstream Media, you dummies) has been under a lot of heat from the current administration, and maybe it’s about time they look to international news outlets, where they’re getting down to the nitty gritty.

Perhaps they can learn a thing or two from New Zealand’s news site Newshub, which was the first outlet to report that their native daughter Lorde may just be secretly running a food-related Instagram account.

While the state of our nation continues to slowly disintegrate into tatters of the United States constitution, the MSM  has at least one priority straight – the alleged secret Instagram account run by Taylor Swift’s BFF Lorde.

New Zealand news site Newshub first reported the story on Tuesday, with the headline “Is this Lorde’s secret onion ring Instagram account?”, noting they received a tip from a 17-year-old fan. The account, @onionringsworldwide, seemed fairly new, with only four posts and 24 followers, including Lorde and a number of her friends.

While @onionringsworldwide, whose bio read, “Every onion ring I encounter, rated”, only had four posts, those four posts each gave plenty of clues leading back to Lorde, according to this 17-year-old fan. Like any good food Intagrammer, each caption included the name of the restaurant said onion ring was acquired from, and a review of the ring. That alone, plus knowing where Lorde is on her promotional tour (and knowing the look of her nails?), helped the fan build a strong case that this account was actually run by Lorde.

Even more evidence that this account was run by non-Royal Lorde? Newshub reached out to her management and they didn’t respond. Instead? The account has since been deleted.

Newshub contacted Lorde’s management to ask whether Lorde likes onion rings, whether she prefers a light batter on her onion rings, and whether she runs the account.

Management had not responded at the time of writing, but shortly after questions were sent through, we’re sad to report the onionringsworldwide account was removed from Instagram.

A few things about this: A) why does it matter if she secretly runs this innocent account? It’s not going to effect her popularity. Why are they treating this like she ran a pro-life Instagram? B) why didn’t her management give a statement or respond at all to Newshub? C) She reviewed a Burger King onion ring, and that just seems like a lost cause.

Listen, if Lorde wants to have some semblance of normality in her life, let her just have an anonymous account, maintaining it while she flies private between Bonaroo and Bev Hills. But she can’t be the only celeb who has a secret social media account, right? I don’t know for sure, but here are my best guesses as to what type of accounts these famous people are managing under the shroud of internet secrecy.

EDIT: LORDE IS ON JIMMY FALLON AS I’M WRITING THIS AND SHE CONFIRMED IT WAS HER ACCOUNT.

She said, “I sort of naively didn’t realize it would be a thing.. it was like a good past time… I deleted it because now people are going to be throwing onion rings (at me) on tour… I don’t think they get enough credit for how delicious they are.”

Ugh. Well, I’m guessing fans are still going to throw onion rings at you. But enjoy this post anyways.

Taylor Swift // Bughead Tumblr

When Taylor is active on her official Tumblr, it’s actually her and she knows how to use those hashtags, so it would only make sense if she had another Tumblr. I imagine she’s one of those hardcore shippers on the site, maybe for Riverdale, specifically for OTP Bughead aka Betty and Jughead. It’s mainly a fanfic site, but she’ll RB a gifset or two – maybe even featuring her own song lyrics.

Kylie Jenner // LOL GOP Twitter

I have no doubt Kylie can be savage af, but it would delight me to no end if she was super into politics and anti-GOP to the core enough to run this account.

Zooey Deschanel // Miniature Food on YouTube

It’s just so twee, just like Zooey’s whole aesthetic.

Adam Scott // Fat Jewish-esque Instagram

I hope that macaroni guy wins 🇫🇷

A post shared by 💦🙇🏽 (@moistbuddha) on

If you follow Adam Scott on Twitter, you know two things about him: 1) he’s not afraid to say how much trump sucks balls. 2) he is ridiculous and absurdly funny. I will never forget this dumb peanut butter and jelly joke that lasted lit’rally two years. So it’s not entirely out of his realm to run a comedy/meme account on Instagram.

Rosie O’Donnell // Toy Review on YouTube

We love Rosie. We loved her talk show. As tweens, we were enamored with her love for not only kids like us, but she had a kidlike quality that enabled her to constantly shoot koosh balls in the audience without it being awkward or gimmicky. Plus she loves a good nostalgia item, so these reviews of old toys would be right up her alley.

BJ Novak // His Teen Sister’s Twitter

Well, OK, this is actually true. BJ has been running an account under the name “Keough Novak”, who is supposedly his snarky teen sister. I started following her years ago, when I noticed that BJ’s BFF/Soup Snake Mindy Kaling had been tweeting at her a lot. I obvs stalked her profile and thought she was funny, and it wasn’t until like 2 years later that I found out that BJ had been running the account with his two brothers – I grew suspicious after realizing she wasn’t getting older an was a perpetual 16 year old. BJ said of the account, “If I have a thought that’s superficial or immature, that’s a good thing for Keough to say.” Not only that, but HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A SISTER. Lies. Deceit. Hilarity too. Bless.

Kanye West // Slime Shop on Instagram

He may have quit Twitter, but for a guy who calls Steve Jobs one of his idols, I hardly believe he’s completely off social media. Plus, given his love for art, and creativity, I can picture him making these popular slime videos – and perhaps even selling tubs of them out of their Bel-Air mansion.

Barack Obama // Secret Snapchat

In general, he just has a secret Snapchat account. Followers include Malia, Sasha, Joe Biden and Jay Z (who also has a secret account).

 

Best of C+S 2015: The Day The Internet Had No Chill

One of the top cultural phenomena that we’ll remember when we think of 2015: this time we all weren’t sure what color a dress was, AND two llamas got out of a zoo, AND it happened on the same day. And we, the grown adults of the internet, all but lost any chill we ever had.

_____

Thursday was a DAY, y’all. So, as you’re reading this blog, I think it’s pretty clear that we are fans of the Internet. The Internet has been good to us. It’s connected us with you fine people. It brings us GIFs. It tells us facts in seconds that would’ve taken forever to look up in Encyclopedia Britannica. But yesterday was a day for the record books (Google books?)

It all started in the afternoon when two llamas went on the run in Sun City, Arizona. On the real, according to AzCentral, and I quote, “The llamas were participating in animal therapy at an assisted living facility when they escaped. Authorities believe the llamas got spooked when the door to the trailer they had arrived in opened. They said there was a third llama in the trailer, but it did not escape.”

Thanks to a local news affiliate’s live video feed (#bless), the whole world was able to watch these two run freely in the world for about a 20-minute chase as handlers tried their best to wrangle them.

TBH, I showed up to the party late and couldn’t stay long, as my job doesn’t really allow me to enjoy nice things, so I had to quickly catch up and figure out what was happening. But by the time I entered the #LlamaDrama, there were already a ton of memes floating around. It’s stuff like this that the Internet was made for. We are at are best when we all have to make comments on a ridiculous thing. Here are some of what the Internet folks came up with.

My personal favorite:

When they incorporated the llamas with Balloon Boy. REMEMBER BALLOON BOY??

When someone had to speak the damn truth:

When I will laugh at a pun joke even if it’s not that funny (this one’s funny):

When they brought in Bri Willy:
When they incorporated a meme from the Super Bowl:

https://twitter.com/Comingstorm/status/571053036727988224

When CNN LIT’RALLY INTERVIEWED A CELEBRITY LLAMA NAMED PIERRE:

Was that enough excitement for one day? NOPE. Just a few hours later, a girl took to the Internet for advice on a dress someone was considering to buy, and they sent a pic of it asking if it was black and blue or white and gold. Tumblr first went crazy, as they are wont to do, and it then spread to the rest of social media. It soon became a war. Bloodshed. Lives ruined. People actually breaking up. Friendships torn apart. It was a gruesome scene. Even the local news here covered it. Literally the LA news station showed a picture of the dress and asked what color it was. LA NEWS IS NOT REAL NEWS. But I digress.

On Tumblr, GIFs and stills from TV shows were obviously used.

peggy-carter:

i went to work for six hours and come back to tumblr and my ENTIRE DASH is this dress thing and finally i understand that community gif on a spiritual level

goopypaltrow:

it’s not black/blue, nor is it white/gold.  It’s actually cerulean. And you’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent… wasn’t it who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it, uh, filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of stuff.

 

halpertjames:

I have never felt more like Jim Halpert in my life.

But the best responses came from Twitter.

Of course there’s already a Twitter account for The Dress

And celebrities, who obviously got in on the action. Even Taylor Swift chimed in. Honestly, if Oprah and/or Beyonce tweeted or Instagramed about it it would have been game over.

By FAR, Mindy Kaling had the best response to #TheDress. She was up in arms about it, staying strong in her #BlackandBlue stance, as only Mindy could. It’s exactly the type of response I expected from her, but I am obsessed with just how far she went. Her annoyance got increasingly more dramatic and I feel like she should probably just put this in her show now.

^^same^^

If you missed our tweet last night, we gave our two cents too:

 But what we really need is some perspective, courtesy of the rainbow infused space unicorn:

For the record, the folks at Buzzfeed (who started this who viral mess) tracked down the girl who first posted about the dress, and she says it’s black and blue. It’s all about lighting, y’all. Either way, whatever team you’re on – #WhiteandGold, #BlackandBlue, #LlamasOnTheRun, #LeftShark, it’s good to know we can all collectively #BreakTheInternet without actually baring our butts.

What a time to be alive.

Point-Counterpoint: Better Best Friend – Mudasir or Salman?

It’s no secret – I love flash-in-the-pan social media obsessions. I thought “The Dress” was a lot of fun, and Azeem’s Flute Recital was the event of Spring 2015. To be clear: I like these memes for the 1-3 days that they are happening. When people try to make jokes about them after that I’m like “no, we already did that.” I like them because, first of all, except for a few trolls in Reddit’s sub-dungeons, people tend to keep their jokes really positive. These brief obsessions are usually refreshingly free of cynicism and mocking. The worst people said about “the dress” was that it was ugly, and as for Azeem, well, he seems to be a promising young man with some real musical chops.

The primary reason I love these social media gab-fests, though: I like when everyone is talking about the same thing. During The Dress, I said that it was like being in fifth grade and the substitute teacher farted. And what could be more fifth grade than the never-ending drama of Best Friend Breakups?

In case you missed it, this week a viral Facebook post by Asif, a 20-something man from Pakistan, announced that he was no longer best friends with Mudasir. Salman was his BFF, now. And not just that: he announced it with Word Art. Be still my lighthearted internet drama-loving heart!

Suck it, Mudasir. You’ve received the Microsoft Paint neon green X of defriending. And there’s more! Read Asif’s description in the Sidebar:

Point: Mudasir only has that one red polo.

Counterpoint: We don’t know which one Salman is. Better one crisp red polo than a closet full of rumpled white collarless shirts, I always say. Besides, it looks like a work polo.

Point: Mudasir has a masculine yet casual stance, suggesting that he is not just the superior friend but the superior person.

Counterpoint: Maybe … too superior? Maybe proudy?

Point: Salman is a Johnny-come-lately. Mudasir has proven himself with years of best friendship. Surely one little mistake didn’t merit the Microsoft Paint neon green X of defriending!

Counterpoint: Salman has a firm, trustworthy handshake. You can tell a lot about a man’s character by his handshake.

Point: According to a late-breaking Twitter report by Asif, Mudasir caused the break-up by reporting one of Asif’s Facebook photos.

Counterpoint: Do you know how many Facebook and Instagram posts I have almost accidentally reported?

Point: There’s something mighty shady about a person who superimposes their photo in front of a brick wall. Right? The one on the right looks like a green screen. What are you hiding, Mudasir?

Counterpoint: Mudasir and his former friend Asif obviously enjoy tinkering with the kinds of photo and text editing programs that come pre-installed on Dell laptops. This is common ground and evidence that their friendship should stand firm.

Point: I will let Asif’s Facebook comment speak for me: Mudasir, you don’t know how to be a friend. If you think friendship is a toy then you will get a toy in return, now go away.

Counterpoint: “To have a friend, you have to be a friend, starting with yourself.” “Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.” These are both signs that hung in my elementary school classrooms, and they were right. Asif — ASIF HIMSELF — is the one who doesn’t know how to be a friend. A friend forgives!  Good luck, Salman. One mistake, and Asif is going to Word Art you out of his life.

Questions I Have About The New Hamburglar

McDonalds revealed the new Hamburglar last week, and the result was one that no man, woman, or child could ever have imagined. As news of the rebooted hamburger bandit sweeped the Internet, people were shocked to see this on their screen:

Yeah. This guy. So… Let’s start off with the fact that when I was growing up and McDonald’s was the place you’d get a Happy Meal and free toy and maybe get to go to the PlayPlace, the Hamburglar looked that this:

I mean, I see the similarities, but here’s my own main complaint – the new guy ISN’T A CARTOON. He’s like a person. Like the human neighbors that hang out on Sesame Street. And for some reason that’s really jarring for me.

Upon doing some brief research, the Hamburglar reboot is part of a new McDonald’s rebranding of the character, who is suburban dad by day and Hamburglar by night/after the kids go to school. He’s also a wanted man:

Okay…

What?
Who is this man?
Why does he look like Eddie Cibrian?
Is he supposed to be deviously hot?
If you’re wanted for stealing hamburgers, wouldn’t it be a dead giveaway by wearing a hamburger print tie?
When did the Hamburglar get dimples?
Does McDonalds do ‘gourmet’ burgs now?
What’s a “third pound”?

BTW the McDonald’s Twitter account is officially trying too hard, but I mean, you do you Mickey D’s. You do you. They later posted this video:

Why are you saying ‘Robble Robble’?
What does that even mean? How are you talking to America on social media if you’re “Wanted”?
Who is your wife?
I’m assuming she thinks you’re at work?
Is this your main source of income?
Are you at the party store because you bought that Hamburglar costume?

Apparently I’m not the only one who has questions, because a spokesperson from a McDonald’s released a statement clearing up the confusion over the new Hamburglar:

“The clip that was posted to Twitter this afternoon wasn’t a commercial. As part of Hamburglar’s takeover of the McDonald’s Twitter account, the short video shows his double life: grabbing Sirloin Third Pound Burgers while keeping his identity under wraps via a call back to his family in the suburbs.”

What?
Why does anybody need to be steal hamburgers?
Why did the Hamburglar even need a reboot at all?
Who is McDonald’s target demographic with this?
Why is he specifically stealing Sirloin Third Pound Burgers?
If it wasn’t a commercial, what is it?

And the hits kept coming…

So these Sirloin Third Pound Burgers are a ‘limited edition’??
Why does he want American to keep tweeting #RobbleRobble?
How is America going to help?
There should’ve probably been a better social media campaign than this?
McDonald’s is one of the biggest and most successful companies in the world why did they shoot this on a shotty green screen?

If you thought you were safe from the Hamburglar, think again. He’s probably coming to your city.

How is he getting to all these cities?
Is he going on a plane with this ridiculous get-up?
It doesn’t even look like he’s really eating this Third Pound?
Does he even like hamburgers?
Is this secretly a campaign to get America to stop eating hamburgs and start eating healthier?

Clearly I have a lot of questions about this new direction McDonald’s marketing & PR department is going in, but if it works for them, then good on ya. But in the meantime, I’ll still be asking all these questions. And I still won’t be close to eating at McDonald’s any time soon.

The Day The Internet Had No Chill

Thursday was a DAY, y’all. So, as you’re reading this blog, I think it’s pretty clear that we are fans of the Internet. The Internet has been good to us. It’s connected us with you fine people. It brings us GIFs. It tells us facts in seconds that would’ve taken forever to look up in Encyclopedia Britannica. But yesterday was a day for the record books (Google books?)

It all started in the afternoon when two llamas went on the run in Sun City, Arizona. On the real, according to AzCentral, and I quote, “The llamas were participating in animal therapy at an assisted living facility when they escaped. Authorities believe the llamas got spooked when the door to the trailer they had arrived in opened. They said there was a third llama in the trailer, but it did not escape.”

Thanks to a local news affiliate’s live video feed (#bless), the whole world was able to watch these two run freely in the world for about a 20-minute chase as handlers tried their best to wrangle them.

TBH, I showed up to the party late and couldn’t stay long, as my job doesn’t really allow me to enjoy nice things, so I had to quickly catch up and figure out what was happening. But by the time I entered the #LlamaDrama, there were already a ton of memes floating around. It’s stuff like this that the Internet was made for. We are at are best when we all have to make comments on a ridiculous thing. Here are some of what the Internet folks came up with.

My personal favorite:

When they incorporated the llamas with Balloon Boy. REMEMBER BALLOON BOY??

When someone had to speak the damn truth:

When I will laugh at a pun joke even if it’s not that funny (this one’s funny):

When they brought in Bri Willy:
When they incorporated a meme from the Super Bowl:

When CNN LIT’RALLY INTERVIEWED A CELEBRITY LLAMA NAMED PIERRE:

Was that enough excitement for one day? NOPE. Just a few hours later, a girl took to the Internet for advice on a dress someone was considering to buy, and they sent a pic of it asking if it was black and blue or white and gold. Tumblr first went crazy, as they are wont to do, and it then spread to the rest of social media. It soon became a war. Bloodshed. Lives ruined. People actually breaking up. Friendships torn apart. It was a gruesome scene. Even the local news here covered it. Literally the LA news station showed a picture of the dress and asked what color it was. LA NEWS IS NOT REAL NEWS. But I digress.

On Tumblr, GIFs and stills from TV shows were obviously used.

peggy-carter:

i went to work for six hours and come back to tumblr and my ENTIRE DASH is this dress thing and finally i understand that community gif on a spiritual level

goopypaltrow:

it’s not black/blue, nor is it white/gold.  It’s actually cerulean. And you’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent… wasn’t it who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it, uh, filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of stuff.

 

halpertjames:

I have never felt more like Jim Halpert in my life.

But the best responses came from Twitter.

Of course there’s already a Twitter account for The Dress

And celebrities, who obviously got in on the action. Even Taylor Swift chimed in. Honestly, if Oprah and/or Beyonce tweeted or Instagramed about it it would have been game over.

By FAR, Mindy Kaling had the best response to #TheDress. She was up in arms about it, staying strong in her #BlackandBlue stance, as only Mindy could. It’s exactly the type of response I expected from her, but I am obsessed with just how far she went. Her annoyance got increasingly more dramatic and I feel like she should probably just put this in her show now.

^^same^^

If you missed our tweet last night, we gave our two cents too:

 But what we really need is some perspective, courtesy of the rainbow infused space unicorn:

For the record, the folks at Buzzfeed (who started this who viral mess) tracked down the girl who first posted about the dress, and she says it’s black and blue. It’s all about lighting, y’all. Either way, whatever team you’re on – #WhiteandGold, #BlackandBlue, #LlamasOnTheRun, #LeftShark, it’s good to know we can all collectively #BreakTheInternet without actually baring our butts.

What a time to be alive.

Ello, Goodbye: Remembering Social Media Networks of the Past

You guys have heard of this new social media network called Ello, right? Over the past week or so, I kept seeing it on Facebook (ironically) and around the internetz, and still didn’t really understand what its deal was. For those of you who need the DL on Ello, it’s an invite-only social network that is kind of like Facebook, but without ads. My friend described the look of it as a “hipster Facebook”, with clean lines and simple design.

 

Now, I don’t know about you, but if you already hate Facebook, I’m guessing you don’t want to be on another social media site. Most of the people I know who quit FB or barely log on or don’t have an account at all hate that FB inundates you with all the details about your “friends” lives, so if Ello is supposed to be an alternative to FB, why would anyone sign up? Plus, it’s just another website to forget the correct user name/password combo. I get the whole curiosity of it all, so if you’re on Ello, let me know how it goes for you.

But also remember that since we live in a world where there are more social media networks than people in China (not an actual statistic), new startups have to be one-of-a-kind and standout in the crowd. Moreover, our generation of Millennials, while we aren’t exactly close-minded when it comes to new networks (we did have to figure out how the internet worked as tweens, after all), we are also selective as to what we decide to spend our time on. While time will only tell for Ello, let’s take a look at some other social media sites that have gone to the internet graveyard in the past few years.

MySpace

In Tom’s defense, MySpace was a big networking site for a long time. I admit, even I spent a little too long deciding what the theme to my profile page should be and who my top 8 were. But to me, MySpace always had a skeezy quality to it – like a prime breeding ground for Catfish. Not to mention the whole getting bombarded by singers and bands you didn’t know. Unfortunately for Tom, Mark Zuckerberg came along and stole all his thunder. Now MySpace is owned partly by Justin Timberlake and mostly used for what it always has been popular for – music.

Friendster

The only reason I ever had a Friendster account was because my cousins in the Philippines all had one. It was like their Facebook before Facebook, except more boring. The concept was the same – post pictures of yourself, write about your interests and hobbies, interact with friends, etc. etc. But when I talked to my friends back home in the U.S. about Friendster, no one knew what I was talking about. And there’s your problem right there. Friendster was shut down in 2011, but relaunched as a gaming site. It’s mainly popular in – you guessed it – Southeast Asia.

Xanga

Speaking of Asians, I first heard about Xanga from other Asians, except ones who were living in America. Xanga was not only a site that had a similar debate like the GIF/JIF debacle, but provided a social network with a blogging component. I remember using a lot of emoticons and tYpiNg OuT mY WorDz LykE This lolLLLzzzZ. Last year, Xanga rebooted itself and came out with Xanga 2.0, which is still a blogging webspace, but now you have to pay a fee to use it. You know homie don’t play that game.

Eons

Have you guys ever heard of Eons? Didn’t think so. It’s probably because it was a social network geared towards the elderly. That’s right, the same grandparents that can’t figure out texting let alone their remote control, were the primary demographic for the site. The site was launched in 2007, which in the grand scheme of things, was at the height of Facebook’s *ooh look it’s new and shiny* phase, so my guess is that a lot of people over 50 still didn’t get what all the hype over social media was about. If there’s anything we can learn from Eons, it’s know your demographic. Also, maybe pick a better name.

Orkut

Orkut was the social media site made by Google, and named after one of its employees, Orkut Büyükkökten (The guy who made Eons would’ve probs called this site Büyükkökten instead). Google built the site over a decade ago, but it never really took off – except in random countries like India and Brazil. Incidentally, Google officially shut down Orkut just two days ago on September 30th, but luckily for the site’s users, you have until 2016 to get your personal information and files back. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for AOL Hometown page (RIP my first website).

Google +

Yes, I know Google + still exists, but honestly, stop trying to make it happen. Does anyone really use it for real? Like in a serious manner? It seems too convoluted and obnoxious. I love my Gmail and Google Docs and Cal, etc, but this thing is just too much.

Chiara De Blasio, Human Tumblr

I think politicians’ kids should be somewhat off-limits for commentary*, but guys …. is Chiara de Blasio really a politician’s kid? Because from what I can tell, she’s not so much a person, as much as an artistic teen’s tumblr brought to life. I’m picturing something like Life Size, the TV movie where Lindsay Lohan befriends Eve (Tyra Banks), a fashion doll-turned-human. Except, instead of a doll, Chiara is a tumblr. This is the internet age, after all.

The reasoning

I mean… girl looks real tumblr-y**.

The hypothesis

Probably something like this: 17-year-old Kyleigh Phillips, of Colwyn, PA, came home from school, distressed and discouraged. Her mixed-media piece for AP Studio Art was due in two days. The application deadline for FIT was fast approaching. Her canny morning tweet about freshman girls all thinking they’re hot had scored zero retweets. Not even a favorite!  Kyleigh lay on her sofa, scanning her tumblr dash. Everything was so perfect on tumblr! For every feeling, there was a .gif. For every head, a flower crown. For every shape, five hipster triangles.

“I wish real life could be just like tumblr!” Kyleigh said, spilling her Limonata on her ipad screen. Just then, her ipad began to shake. Sparks began to appear. A song filled the air. Was it Haim? Or like… some kind of early unreleased Nirvana recording? Lorde, but only if this was 6 months ago? Probably. Kyleigh looked up, and a hipply-accessorized, improbably cool teen stood before her. “Who are you?” said Kyleigh, forgetting all about her art homework and college applications and internet drama.

“I’m Chiara de Blasio – and I’m the human embodiment of tumblr.”

The evidence

Flower crowns everywhere:

This look? From Urban Outfitters. How tumblr is that? Everyone on there looks like a human-pixie hybrid, but everyone shops at Urban and Anthro.

You pretty much see flower crowns in three places: outdoor music festivals, tumblr, and Chiara de Blasio.

Body modification:

Who can have an eyebrow ring, a nose ring, ear gauges, and yet still look kind of … really wholesome? People can’t, but tumblrs can.

Used to look more norm-y circa 2010:

Just like most artsy teenagers’ tumblrs, if you dig about 3 years into the archives, you find evidence of a pre-hipster existence. Fewer vintage party dresses, more message tees. Fewer gauges, more braces. Fewer statement headpieces, more flatiron.

Went viral:

This vid made its way around the internet – literally on tumblr some of the time. Which, when you factor in that Chiara de Blasio is tumblr, is not all that surprising.

Glitter. Also, Onesies:

I don’t have any empirical evidence for this, but I’m fairly certain that if a cool, alternative young lady has a tumblr, it’s minimum 5% sparkly stuff. There’s a lot of shine and sequins going on. Also, for some reason, adult onesies and rompers. Chiara de Blasio, at the gay pride parade, knows.

Into fashion, but also into the environment:

CDB is an environmental studies major. Why is this proof she’s a human tumblr? Well, if you’ve ever looked at your typical artistic teenager’s tumblr, you’ll scroll through five pages of  leggings and fishtail braids and triangles and like … antlers, for some reason, and then there’ll be a really thoughtful article about global warming or corporate environmental responsibility. Basically, just because those crazy tumblr kids like style and music, doesn’t mean they’re not tuned into real issues, too.

Thinks her parents are “badass”:

Chiara was quoted as saying her parents are badass, and I mean she’s right, her parents are pretty cool. However, this is typical tumblr stuff. Any high school/college girl’s tumblr worth its pixels contains at least 2 of the following: photos of old (pre-1980) movie stars, songs that were recorded before the tumblr-er was born, fashion that is a throwback of 20 years or more, or .gifs from classic tv shows. Thinking your parents’ generation is actually cool? Tres tumblr.

Post-Tumblr Media Saturation

Once something has cycled its way through the usual social media outlets – your twitters, your instagrams, and – heavens knows – your tumblrs, old people eventually find out about it. We all already know this – why, I bet your Nana posted What Does The Fox Say to her Facebook timeline just this week. And when the old people find out about a social media phenomenon, you know it’s really made it when you see a sort of confused New York Times piece. Cue Chiara de Blasio Style , a NYT Fashion slideshow that may as well have been titled “So… Are We Supposed To Like Flowered Headbands Now?! Someone Please Tell Us.” Yes, Chiara de Blasio isn’t just tumblr — she’s tumblr establishment.

The conclusion

Chiara de Blasio is a teenage girl’s tumblr brought to life. If you’re old (…ahem), you probably even have the same reaction to her as you would to such a cool 18 year old’s tumblr dash. Namely: you’re not sure if you all the way understand it, but you have it on good authority that it’s almost certainly cooler than you are. And you wish somebody would explain all of the flowers crowns, onesies and – seriously, now – antlers to you.

* Note: I do think politicians’ kids are fair game, but only insofar as they’ve chosen to appear in the public eye. So, public events are okay; stalking a college kid’s private photos is decidedly not. And blogging speculative fiction is fiiiine. CDB probably wouldn’t even care — I’m sure she’s too cool to.

**Also, I don’t want to deal with a teenager being that well-connected and that much cooler than me, seemingly without effort. Who am I kidding, though — everyone born post-1993 is de facto cooler than me.

ICYMI: Facebook Rules 101

Big things poppin’ for C+S on the Facebook this week, you guys. If you’re reading this via that very site, you already know that this week we launched our super awesome and handy Facebook page. Like it if you haven’t already!!

In addition, we covered the serious and important matter of parents on FB.

So Your Mom’s On Facebook

Here’s a generational marker I never thought would make me feel old: I remember when Facebook first started. In the 2004-2005 school year, I was a Freshman in college and my school was one of the early adopters* of Facebook (or “the Facebook” as we called it at the time). When you met someone at a party, they’d ask if you were “on the Facebook.” After working with a kid on a group project, you’d go back to your dorm and discover that you’d been “poked.” Facebook was like a whole world populated solely by college kids.** It was like Lord of The Flies that way. You couldn’t get on there without an .edu address, and it was a parent-free zone.

Unless you’ve been Rip van Winkle-ing*** since 2005, you know what’s happened since. Like all things that have lost their youth culture cache, Facebook has been taken over by moms. If it hasn’t happened yet, it’s coming soon — the friend request from your mother. It’s bad. My mom is on Facebook, and she is the worst because she takes everything she reads very seriously and literally. A few months ago, she said to me “I didn’t know your cousin ‘Derek’ was gay!”.

“He’s not gay, mom. He has a girlfriend.” I know having a girlfriend isn’t the sine qua non of straightness, but I also have really solid gaydar.

“No. He’s gay. His status is “I am a homosexual.”

Oh, brother. Here we go. My cousin is that particular kind of dude-bro who has friends who sneak into his Facebook account and write homophobic stuff because they think it’s hilarious. By the by, his mom and sister are both lesbians.

“Mom. Nobody says “homosexual” except for Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. That was Derek’s friends.”

Cut to two weeks later. “Derek is DEFINTELY gay. Look at his status now!”

I looked. His status was now “I like dick.” I considered explaining to her that nobody, gay or straight, would write that, but figured it was a losing battle.

There are a few ways to prevent scenarios like this:

  • Ignore Friend Request
  • Heightened Privacy Settings
  • Cleansing Your Past
  • Sanitizing the Future
  • Continuing as you Were

~~~

While we’re at it, let’s lay some ground rules on “the facebook” in general. I’m not saying you should abide by these rules… but I’m saying you should abide by these rules.

~~~

Facebook Rules 101

Since I joined Facebook in 2004, the site has become a defining entity in worldwide culture. But when I first started, it was an entirely different site. First of all, your college had to be one of the select few on the network. You could only sign up with your college e-mail address, and you also went on a friending spree, requesting to be friends with every single person in your classes. Since then, Mark Zuckerberg has invited the entire world to join and made multiple changes to the site itself.

Now that I’m approaching my 9th (HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, 9TH?!) anniversary on FB, I feel like I have enough experience to be able to set some ground rules for all users of the social media site.

Don’t complain about new layouts. 

This has annoyed me over the past year or so in particular, because people’s complaints about new FB layouts bug the shit out of me. First of all, complainers take the time to WRITE ON FACEBOOK that they hate Facebook. HELLO? Secondly, technology is constantly changing – that’s kind of the point. So don’t get all in a huff because the your photos aren’t where they used to be. First world problems. Like everything, you’ll get used to it and then forget that it was even a problem in the first place. If you don’t like it, quit FB. But we all know 90% of people are like those folks who say they’re moving to Canada if so and so is elected president. How many people do you know actually moved to Canada after 2004?

The most recent profile change was rolled out by FB technicians for a few months, and even let you preview it before they completely changed it over. And you probably don’t even remember what the late 2012 profile looked like.

And guess what, people? Get ready for another change – the news feed is going to feature bigger photos. So don’t get your panties in a twist when the redesign rolls out.

Don’t post your relationship status on Facebook

Let me clarify: Don’t consistently write about how much your love your boyfriend and post unfocused pix of your romantic date night dinner at Olive Garden. I’m saying, if you’re in a relationship and then you break up, you’re just welcoming people to ask you about it. Unless you want to draw attention to yourself. But that’s obnoxious, and I should be questioning why we’re even friends in the first place. I’ve seen people even add “end of relationship” as a life event on their timeline, so like, that’s awkward.

Don’t treat Facebook like Twitter.

I don’t care if you’re hungry, I don’t care about what time you’re working, I don’t care about what time you’re getting out of work, I don’t care how tired you are. Also, don’t put that shit on twitter either. Nobody needs to know that.

Don’t send game requests

I think this is pretty self-explanatory. I don’t use FB because there’s a lack of internet farming in my life. So just, don’t ask me to visit your Farmville.

Don’t post an entire album of your baby’s sonogram

Listen, I like babies. I just don’t think people of FB should be subjected to seeing 50 photo album of the unborn baby in your uterus come up on the news feed. I just don’t. Baby photos are fine. Especially if I want to stalk you and judge whether your baby is cute or not.

Don’t complain about privacy settings and then post stuff of Facebook

In case you didn’t know, there are privacy settings that you can change yourself. Like, you don’t HAVE to let everyone you’re friends with see your latest FB album that may have semi-incriminating pictures in them. You can restrict people from viewing certain things, and all you have to do is stop bitching and go to your privacy settings and change it. Also, another tip is that if you don’t want certain people seeing things you post on Facebook, how about just… not posting it on Facebook?

So Your Mom’s On Facebook

Here’s a generational marker I never thought would make me feel old: I remember when Facebook first started. In the 2004-2005 school year, I was a Freshman in college and my school was one of the early adopters* of Facebook (or “the Facebook” as we called it at the time). When you met someone at a party, they’d ask if you were “on the Facebook.” After working with a kid on a group project, you’d go back to your dorm and discover that you’d been “poked.” Facebook was like a whole world populated solely by college kids.** It was like Lord of The Flies that way. You couldn’t get on there without an .edu address, and it was a parent-free zone.

Unless you’ve been Rip van Winkle-ing*** since 2005, you know what’s happened since. Like all things that have lost their youth culture cache, Facebook has been taken over by moms. If it hasn’t happened yet, it’s coming soon — the friend request from your mother. It’s bad. My mom is on Facebook, and she is the worst because she takes everything she reads very seriously and literally. A few months ago, she said to me “I didn’t know your cousin ‘Derek’ was gay!”.

“He’s not gay, mom. He has a girlfriend.” I know having a girlfriend isn’t the sine qua non of straightness, but I also have really solid gaydar.

“No. He’s gay. His status is “I am a homosexual.”

Oh, brother. Here we go. My cousin is that particular kind of dude-bro who has friends who sneak into his Facebook account and write homophobic stuff because they think it’s hilarious. By the by, his mom and sister are both lesbians.

“Mom. Nobody says “homosexual” except for Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. That was Derek’s friends.”

Cut to two weeks later. “Derek is DEFINTELY gay. Look at his status now!”

I looked. His status was now “I like dick.” I considered explaining to her that nobody, gay or straight, would write that, but figured it was a losing battle.

There are a few ways to prevent scenarios like this:

Ignore Friend Request
This is the cleanest option, and works best with tech-clueless moms. You can tell her that the request didn’t go through, or assume that she’ll never know how to figure out if you’ve confirmed. If your mom is the type to nag a lot, is okay with computers, or will read a large-scale rejection into this, then I’d skip the ignore option.

Heightened Privacy Settings
Make a list of people you want to restrict, then make a “custom” post setting so that nothing is seen by people on those lists. If you have a bunch of gossip-mongers in your family, this might have to go beyond your mom. There are some things that I wouldn’t mind, say, my aunt seeing, but I know she’d bring it up to my mom, so I play it safe and hide it from all of them. That includes posts from this blog. One of my favorite gems of writing advice comes from Anne Lamott, who suggested you “write as if your parents are dead.” I find that “write as if your parents don’t use social networking” works almost as well.

Cleansing Your Past
A lot of us have stopped using Facebook in earnest. With full-time jobs and professional degrees on the line, we aren’t posting photos of us “totally wasted!” at 2am on a Saturday. We’re in bed by then anyway. However, if your mom is nosy enough, then she might reach into the way-back years. A while ago I took a trip down Facebook memory lane, and apparently I was kind of trashy and skanky in college. You might want to clean up your past a little. Just think of it as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Internet Record.

Sanitizing the Future
If you really don’t want to block your mom, then every time you write something you have to realize that your mom is going to see it – and, as I discussed above, is probably going to read a whole lot into it. It’s okay to write “Sooo tired!”. It’s not okay to write “I haven’t been this tired since I took a 24-hour bus ride to Florida, went to a sketchy karaoke bar, then stayed at the apartment of these iffy Southern frat boys who just said they were taking us out for grits then wouldn’t take us to our hotel.” This is a new life, and in this new life, your mom is on Facebook and that never happened.****

Continuing as you Were
Maybe you aren’t one of those people who has stopped really using Facebook. Maybe you’re also not one of those people whose life has turned staid and orderly after college. Maybe in that case, you’ll just say screw it, accept your mom’s friend request, and carry on posting as you were. You’re probably smarter than all of us, actually. While the rest of us are covertly restricting our photo albums or writing vague, cheerful statuses, you can just let it all hang out. Actually, if you do this right, you might repulse your mom so much that she will disavow of Facebook altogether.

I suggest you start with posting “I like dick.”

* My college got Facebook early because it was “the Harvard of the SUNY system,” which I guess is almost a compliment. Or almost an insult. Not sure which.
** Another thing that’s like a whole world populated solely by college kids: College.
*** Rip van Winklevossing?
****Only thing worse than spending 24 hours on a bus: spending 24 hours on a bus, then ending up in Florida.

Facebook Rules 101

Since I joined Facebook in 2004, the site has become a defining entity in worldwide culture. But when I first started, it was an entirely different site. First of all, your college had to be one of the select few on the network. You could only sign up with your college e-mail address, and you also went on a friending spree, requesting to be friends with every single person in your classes. Since then, Mark Zuckerberg has invited the entire world to join and made multiple changes to the site itself.

Now that I’m approaching my 9th (HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, 9TH?!) anniversary on FB, I feel like I have enough experience to be able to set some ground rules for all users of the social media site.

Don’t complain about new layouts. 

This has annoyed me over the past year or so in particular, because people’s complaints about new FB layouts bug the shit out of me. First of all, complainers take the time to WRITE ON FACEBOOK that they hate Facebook. HELLO? Secondly, technology is constantly changing – that’s kind of the point. So don’t get all in a huff because the your photos aren’t where they used to be. First world problems. Like everything, you’ll get used to it and then forget that it was even a problem in the first place. If you don’t like it, quit FB. But we all know 90% of people are like those folks who say they’re moving to Canada if so and so is elected president. How many people do you know actually moved to Canada after 2004?

The most recent profile change was rolled out by FB technicians for a few months, and even let you preview it before they completely changed it over. And you probably don’t even remember what the late 2012 profile looked like.

And guess what, people? Get ready for another change – the news feed is going to feature bigger photos. So don’t get your panties in a twist when the redesign rolls out.

Don’t post your relationship status on Facebook

Let me clarify: Don’t consistently write about how much your love your boyfriend and post unfocused pix of your romantic date night dinner at Olive Garden. I’m saying, if you’re in a relationship and then you break up, you’re just welcoming people to ask you about it. Unless you want to draw attention to yourself. But that’s obnoxious, and I should be questioning why we’re even friends in the first place. I’ve seen people even add “end of relationship” as a life event on their timeline, so like, that’s awkward.

Don’t treat Facebook like Twitter.

I don’t care if you’re hungry, I don’t care about what time you’re working, I don’t care about what time you’re getting out of work, I don’t care how tired you are. Also, don’t put that shit on twitter either. nobody needs to know that.

Don’t send game requests

I think this is pretty self-explanatory. I don’t use FB because there’s a lack of internet farming in my life. So just, don’t ask me to visit your Farmville.

Don’t post an entire album of your baby’s sonogram

Listen, I like babies. I just don’t think people of FB should be subjected to seeing 50 photo album of the unborn baby in your uterus come up on the news feed. I just don’t. Baby photos are fine. Especially if I want to stalk you and judge whether your baby is cute or not.

Don’t complain about privacy settings and then post stuff of Facebook

In case you didn’t know, there are privacy settings that you can change yourself. Like, you don’t HAVE to let everyone you’re friends with see your latest FB album that may have semi-incriminating pictures in them. You can restrict people from viewing certain things, and all you have to do is stop bitching and go to your privacy settings and change it. Also, another tip is that if you don’t want certain people seeing things you post on Facebook, how about just… not posting it on Facebook?