Monthly Archives: June 2013

Highs and Lows: 2013 Tony Awards

Posted in Entertainment by

Very High [Like When You Score In The 99th Percentile On A Standardized Test Because There Is No 100th]: Matilda the Musical performance

I know as a grown adult I’m supposed to find kid actors insufferable, Broadway kid actors even more so, and Broadway kid actors affecting Mockney accents worst of all. But MATILDA! I loved the book and the movie, and my inner 10-year-old is scheming about how to get herself into the title role. Revolting Children was the most energetic Tony performance I’ve seen since Totally Fucked from Spring Awakening.

Middle-to-Low [Like When You Get Lower Orchestra Seats But They End Up Being Right Before The First Section Break]: Characters from musicals introducing numbers from other musicals

There’s a reason that, in Disney princess marketing, all of the princesses stare vacantly into different directions. You need to pretend that they’re all part of their own story. Tiana doesn’t know Ariel, you know (except probably in fanfiction).

I need the same things with my plays. The Newsies do not know Matilda, right? I willfully suspend a lot of disbelief when I’m watching a musical. Basically, we all know about the fourth wall, but now I want us to build a fifth one, too – between characters from different musicals who never the twain shall meet. What is this, that 90s antidrug video where every character from every cartoon united to keep kids off of opiates?

High [Like A Hemline That’s Not Scandalous But You Probably Wouldn’t Wear In A House Of God]: Neil Patrick Harris’s  play-musical mashups

42nd Streetcar Named Desire; Children of a Lesser Godspell; Cats on a Hot Tin Roof;The Diary of Anne Frank-enstein the Musical (Justin Bieber would love it!); Cabaret-son in the Sun. I have a soft spot for grandpa humor.

Low [Like When You Make A List Of Common Denominators Then Choose The Least One]: Tom Hanks’ mustache.

For a role, maybe? I used to live in the Mustache Capitol Of America (Buffalo, NY), and I’ve seen better. It’s looking kind of Chaplin-y… and that’s me being as inoffensive and charitable as possible.

Somewhere kind of in the middle, maybe slightly more toward the high end [like a house in a suburb where the school district is good but not great]: Bring It On: The Musical

I love musicals and I love Bring It On, but It’s All Happening was not all happening for me. Does anyone know if the musical is set in the early 2000s like the movie? I ask because of the costumes. If so, that bumps this performance up to a high.

Lower-Middle [Like If It Was A TV Family’s Socio-Economic Status It Would Be The Conners from Roseanne]: Cinderella

I don’t care how 90s this makes me, I love the version of Cinderella with Brandy and whoever that smokeshow prince was. And I always love a good Rodgers and Hammerstein show. It’s sort of nice how this revival is just genuinely and unironically Cinderella. Like, it’s the difference between naming a baby Barbara because it’s your grandma’s name and naming your baby Barbara because all of the other hipsters have used the good old-lady names. I just can’t get too excited, is all. My praise is this, then: this revival of Cinderella is like a baby unironically named Barbara in 2013.

Upper-Middle or Possibly High [The Huxtables in the TV Family Class System]: Motown The Musical

There’s no good reason this should be too much fresher than Cinderella. I mean, this could be a baby unironically named Sharon. I just really like these songs, though! I Want You Back is one of my top cleaning/ chopping veggies tunes and that little boy is SO good! Plot? Who needs it!

Pretty High [Like When You’re Doing A High Five But It’s With Someone Smaller Than You Like Maybe A Child]: Cyndi Lauper winning best score for Kinky Boots

Is her accent real or just an impression of Rizzo from the Grease movie? Or a NY-area pickle vendor from the 1930s? I don’t know and I don’t need to know. I love it.

Middling [Like A Regular Five With Someone Your Same Height]: The performance from the Annie revival

Like any glitter-blooded hammy American kid, I loved Annie. Still do. But I wasn’t much more blown away by this performance than by your average good local production of it. Jane Lynch got laughs, but it seemed more like that “haha, there’s Jane Lynch” thing that happens with stunt casting, not so much her performance. Also, the adorable and talented little girls are seriously borrowing Lauper’s accent, right?

Very High Indeed [Like The Woman On The Bus Last Week Who Pulled On One Of My Curls Then Asked My Ethnicity]: Anna Kendrick

She only presented an award, but we’re fans here. I just like when she’s around.

High [Like a Thermostat On A Winter Day]: A Christmas Story: The Musical

Ladies and gents, 2013 is the year of musicals with a title followed by “colon – The Musical”. I don’t know if this musical is any good. I don’t care, either. The marriage of one of the most beloved Christmas films ever and the musical genre? I don’t object. Also, tap dancing.

Middle [Like A Christopher And Banks In The Center Of A Shopping Mall In The Middle Of The County In The Center Of The State That Is The Middlemost Point In Middle America]: Phantom Of The Opera

If Rodgers and Hammerstein is naming your daughter Barbara without irony in 2013, and Motown is naming her Sharon, this is naming her something crazy-80s yet flashy at the same time. Khrystall or Tyffani perhaps?

A Little Low [Like Realizing That Post-College You Can’t Drink Without Getting A Hangover]: The moment I realized that Billy Porter looks better in a dress than I do.

High But Trying Not To Be High [Like my friend in college who was smoking and started talking about how communist China was the best set-up in the world, and I told him “Yeah, unless you’re a baby girl”]: Cyndi Lauper’s True Colors In Memorium

This song always gets me. Remember the Dove commercial or something when a bunch of self-confident Girl Scouts sang it? Ugh. But it’s even worse when it’s played over an in memorium slideshow with Lauper on a melodium or something. I don’t want to love it, but I sort of love it.

High [Like A Beautiful Eagle Flying Higher Than You Can Dream]: Cicely Tyson

I understand that technically everyone is created equal. I just can’t help but feel that some people are actually a little better than the rest of us, though. Cicely Tyson is one of those people. Don’t think that I’m just saying that because she’s almost 80, either. Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman-era Tyson was every bit as superior to you as well.

High Because It’s Low [Like that one song that reminds you of whatever it is that makes you saddest, that you still listen to sometimes to remind yourself that you still can feel]: Once: The Musical performance

Once is one of my favorite movies that I have seen only once or twice and may not be able to bring myself to watch  again. I love The Swell Season but they’re kind of a downer, in a hurts so good kind of way.

Low and Deep [Like that pit in your stomach when you check your work email on Sunday night and find out that Monday’s going to be crazy.]: The embarrassment that in 2013 we’re treating New York State Of Mind like a relevant song to parody.

Are we just making up exercises now?

Posted in Miscellany by

Have you guys heard of the latest exercise craze? It’s called Prancercise, and you should probably get yourself acquainted with it.

For those who enjoy a less intense work out, this might be the exercise for you. All you need are some ankle weights, a large, open area, and a sense of humor because it is absolutely ridiculous. Here’s a brief video tutorial:

No, this is not a Funny or Die video. Yes, she really said, “We’re gonna really cut the noose and let it loose with the prancercise gallop.” This is real. Bless her. It reminds me of the one where phoebe runs, since she just prances around with no shame. This catchy exercise was invented by Joanna Rohrback back in 1989, but for some reason, it never caught on (perhaps Suzanne Somers is to blame). But over 20 years later, Joanna is back at it again, and hoping Prancercise will be the next spin class craze.

This got me thinking, what other ridiculous exercise crazes have there been that may have just been a scheme to make money instead of actually helping people lose weight? Here are a few possible missed opportunities…

The Gazelle Freestyle

I actually think this was all a ruse for Tony Little to get away with sexually harassing that woman without any legal repercussions. Also, Tony Little.

This vibrating belt thing

So people actually thought these worked. I mean, it’s like science.

The Hawaii Chair

I first learned of this item from Ellen, as seen in this video. I don’t know about you, but I just don’t think Ellen’s trying hard enough to be more productive.

Sauna Suits

In all honesty, I had never heard of this item before, but apparently it’s a thing. One wears this suit while exercising in order to lose more weight. Except the real outcome is that you just lose water weight, which you can immediately gain back by drinking a glass of water. Plus, it can also lead to overheating, which can and has resulted in death. Yikes. It’s not even that cute of an outfit.

Buns of Steel

“You’ll feel a bun rebirth!” Okay, is that something I wanted to feel in the first place? This video looks so fake and ridic that this SNL digital short looks more believable.

Shake Weight

Speaking of SNL… the Shake Weight is pretty self explanatory.

Women’s Fashion (According To A 1976 Encyclopedia)

Posted in Outfit Girl by

Remember how, before the internet, we had to read real, physical books to find things out? In my family, that meant turning to the cobalt-blue 1976 Encyclopedia Americana. One volume in the set was a yearbook that detailed the world events and current trends of the age. I was so obsessed with the fashion section — both out of genuine interest and childish snark — that the book still opens right to that page.

In the mid-90s, I turned to the Encyclopedia for help with Social Studies reports. In the mid-70s, people were turning to the Encyclopedia for help with looking as fly as possible. Such was the pre-internet age.

Let’s take a walk through 1976 fashion, as described in the vibrant pose of the Encyclopedia Americana editors.

  • “Chinese fashion”

    Shhh! Nobody can tell I’m Caucasian!

* Women’s fashion was “influenced by denim and China.” I hope that means you could buy a mandarin-collared denim dress or one of those flat rice-picking hat in Levi’s blue.

* The photo of the woman displaying “The Chinese look” looks like she’s wearing a kind of racist Halloween costume. I guess at least they didn’t say “Oriental?”

* Sometimes when I read this entry, I feel like a time-traveler from the future and wish that I could just save everyone without accidentally killing my own grandfather. The editors write that “politically, the effects of detente with China may not be known for years.” Not to spoil it, but the effects are a little known now and HOLY SHIT WE ALL NEED TO LEARN MANDARIN. What are you DOING, 1976? Stop importing their beautiful silk daywear because they are going to RUN us.

* Bitches wore mad “frog closings” and “coolie” jackets, I guess.

* OK, the encyclopedia DID end up saying Oriental, and they only capitalize it like half of the time. Casual racism is one thing, but casual racism AND sloppy copy-editing? I can’t.

  • Denim

* Real sentence: “The jean craze continued to mushroom at an unbelievable pace.”

* Another real sentence: “The better the figure was, the tighter the jean.” Hey 1976, could you please give that advice to literally everyone I saw at the bus stop the other day? Because the 2013 rule of thumb is apparently: “no matter what the hell your figure looks like, just say “screw it” and buys your pants 2 sizes too small.”

* In the “most horrible thing I’ve ever heard of in my life other than disease, hunger, and genocide” category: the “two-zipper” was in fashion. Jeans closed with two side front zippers instead of the usual fly front. I don’t even understand how this would work. Maybe one of you has an engineering degree and can help? I’m picturing a weird flap that would hang down, like an overall bib except in your crotch neighborhood, with a zipper on either side. If there’s one thing I definitely don’t need, it’s a 100% increase in the likelihood that I’ll forget to zipper my pants. I imagine that if you have any kind of stomach or side fat, it will accidentally get zippered into the “side front zippers” at least once.

* Unsurprising: “work” clothes like khaki fatigues, railroad overalls, and mechanic suits took off.

* Surprising: This “was an expression of the belief in the virtues of honest labor, even if the person wearing them was not engaged in it.” Encylcopedia Americana? You’re reaching. Although, sometimes I do wear a full McDonald’s uniform or nurses’ scrubs just to demonstrate that I believe in work. Who am I to talk?

  • Ladylike Dressing

* According to this section, sometimes women wore skirts and dresses, but other times they wore pants. That’s really the gist.

* Sometimes women wore suits, with “dramatic capes and soft coats” over “multilayers of separates.” The encyclopedia isn’t scratch-n-sniff, but I’m pretty confident they also smelled like sweat and patchouli.

  • The Sporting Life

* The jumper was back. A million home-schooling moms rejoiced, probably.

* Sweaters were “an education in ethnic artistic expression.” I’d complain about the cultural appropriation issues, but I am wearing “tribal” flats right now. I like to pretend that there is just a tribe of Target People who live in the basement of one of their warehouses in Indiana or somewhere, designing these things. I bet they even have native folk songs. Maybe that’s what Taylor Swift is.

  • Accessories

* Scarfs were worn big, in the “simple peasant style” or “elaborately as Arabian or African headdresses.” On behalf of white people, I apologize. This is really bad. I get annoyed at racist Halloween costumes, but apparently in 1976, every day was Racist Halloween.

You could even wear your scarf with an elaborate Art Deco costume while shopping in a general store from the 1800s.

* “Handbags ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous.”

* “oriental jewelry” was popular (read: jade). They used the lower-case “o” for oriental, so this may just be jewelry worn to the east of other jewelry, not Asian-inspired as such.

  • The Feminine Foot

* Engineers, HELP. The earth shoe was “designed to lower the heel and raise the sole of the foot for comfort.” Does anyone know how that’s comfortable? They sound like those terrible McQueen cloven-hoof shoes.

Based on the above, here is a rough sketch of The Woman of 1976.

S#*t Justin Bieber Says

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by

Remember this kid?

You might know him better now as this dude:

Young JB has grown up before our very eyes, and as of late, it seems like his breakup with Selena may have done quite a number on him. From drugs on his tour bus to reckless driving and being chased down by a NFL player, the Biebs has been pushing his limits of stardom – and this was all in the past two months!

But hey, let’s keep in mind that the kid is only 19. If he was in college right now, he’d probably be doing the same exact thing, and probably even getting into more trouble. However, that doesn’t make up for some of the dumbass things he’s said in the past. Here are a few gems from the Bieber archives…

On Prince William’s thinning hair

“I mean, there are things to prevent that nowadays, like Propecia. I don’t know why he doesn’t just get those things, those products. You just take Propecia and your hair grows back. Have you not got it over here?” {x}

On offending Italians, Catholics, and people everywhere

“Do me a favor, don’t go nuts, because more and more you see the mural, and, like, the Sistine Chapel on a guy – it’s just too much.” David Letterman on Justin’s tattoos
“Don’t worry. I’m not going for the Sixteenth Chapel look.” Genius
“Canadian high schools.” Letterman

Speaking of education…
“It’s kind of hard to balance school and work sometimes. But sometimes, like, if I’m going to the White House and I’m in there doing a tour and stuff, that’s like school.”

On being a (semi) minority in Canada

“I’m actually part Indian. I think Inuit or something? I’m enough per cent that in Canada I can get free gas.” {x}

On inspiring young World War II teen heroes

“Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” {x}

On his ever important stance on abortion
“I really don’t believe in abortion. It’s like killing a baby.”

On making it through a long press day (kid’s got jokes)
Interviewer: “What keeps you grounded?” Bieber: “Gravity.” Interviewer: “What’s up, Justin?” Bieber: “The sky, man.”

On religion
“When life knocks you down to your knees, you’re in the perfect position to pray.”

On something that still makes no sense
“I’m not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”

On his idols
“The day I was born, March 1, 1994, Celine Dion was solid at #1 with ‘The Power of Love.’ Not a bad start to your life.”

“If I can do just one-tenth of the good that Michael Jackson did for others, I can really make a difference in this world.”

On getting that Justin Bieber swag
“I have a swagger coach that helps me and teaches me different swaggerific things to do… He has helped me with my style and just putting different pieces together and being able to layer and stuff like that.”

On Twitter, doling out words of wisdom to nearly 40 million Beliebers

“Live life full”

“Gonna take some time”

“I like to sleep. Alot”

“u gotta laugh in life”

“Sunday comes after Saturday? Weird.”

Finally…

“So remember, this is Bieber’s world. You’re just living in it. Bieber or die.”

Movies That Should Be Made Into Musicals

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by

Last weekend I saw Prisilla, Queen of the Desert at the Pantages here in LA. It’s part of the season subscription I have with my friend, so let’s just say I wouldn’t necessarily purchase these tix unless it came with our subscription. It was entertaining, had great costumes and was aesthetically pleasing, but that’s pretty much it. If you don’t know, it’s based on the 1994 movie of the same name, which gained a lot of popularity back then. The costume designers won an Academy Award, and it was even nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Picture, Comedy or Musical.

In full disclosure, I haven’t seen the movie, but I don’t think I really need to in order to get the idea. It got me thinking, since this musical based on a movie can run for 2 years on Broadway, and it isn’t even that good, what other movies could be good on stage? (For the record, I’m in full support of original shows first, before any producers take my ideas seriously) I recently found out that one of my favorite movies, Ever After, is back on track to hit Broadway, and a lab is currently underway starring Jeremy Jordan of Smash and Newsies. I have high hopes for Ever After, so maybe the following movies could be the next Billy Elliot or Matilda? What movies do you think would be great musicals?

Slumdog Millionaire

Slumdog Millionaire // Main on End Titles from mgfxstudio on Vimeo.

The end scene alone is why this she hit the stage. Just imagine all the Bollywood numbers!

Enchanted

I just think this movie is so great. If I was a kid I would watch this over and over again until the DVD broke. As an added bonus, Ever, Ever, After, a song by the great Carrie Underwood could be included in the show, not just the end credits. Plus, there’s even the chance that Idina Menzel could reprise her role as McDreamy’s girlfriend and sing a jealousy-belting song that steals the show.

Down With Love

This wasn’t a movie that garnered a lot of critical reception – or fans – but I loved it. Inspired by 1960s romantic sex comedies, Ewan McGregor plays a typical male lothario, while Renee Zellwegger plays a feminist who’s all about female independence. And guess what happens in the end… The music in the movie is done by Marc Shaiman, the genius behind Hairspray and Catch Me If You Can (another movie-turned-musical), so it’s perfect for Broadway. If only more people would be interested in it.

That Thing You Do

THE OH-NEED-ERS!!! This was one of those movies I had to watch anytime it was on TV when I was growing up. Just like the fictional Wonders were a pop sensation in the 60s, they were my fave fictional band in the 90s. How could you not love these guys? How could you not love this song? How could you not love Tom Hanks?!

Save the Last Dance

I basically just want to see this scene played out IRL.

Empire Records

Totally unintentional, but looks like I really enjoy movies with Renee Zellwegger, Liv Tyler, and Ethan Embry in them. This was another cult hit from the 90s that could have the potential to include some great 90s type rock songs. Or it could turn into High Fidelity.