Best of C+S 2013: Paula Deen’s Wedding Empire

Well friends, it’s the last day of 2013 — which is weird, because 2013 still sounds like the future, right? Today there will be a lot of lists and shows looking back on the year that was, and Paula Deen will probably be on there. Yeah. Remember that mess? She made some comments about an antebellum wedding and the rest is history (I’d say racist history, but that would probably be redundant).

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Racist Weddings With Paula Deen

Originally Posted on June 24

So Paula Deen is a racist. She’s that extra-bad kind of racist, too. She’s the kind that thinks because she doesn’t say she hates black people, and doesn’t wish ill on people of color, then she’s not really racist.

Racist Paula Deen planned a Racist Wedding. At Paula Deen’s Racist Wedding, slaves middle-aged black men would serve the guests in order to evoke a time in the South’s past. A time “before, during, or after the Civil War,” according to Paula Deen (isn’t that just ANY TIME?, I wondered). I think she meant the time when slavery was legal, the time during the war to make slavery illegal, and that whole messy Jim Crow/reconstruction business where things were still really bad.

By the way, Paula didn’t refer to these waiters as… you know, THAT word, because they were “professional black men.” First of all, since slaves didn’t get paid, weren’t they the opposite of professionals? Second, I don’t know how you become a professional black man. I think I might only know amateur black men.

I was so disappointed by this. I mean, why stop there, Paula? I think she could have a new show or maybe pen a book on the racist wedding theme. Antebellum Slave Wedding? Okay. But you KNOW you have some more racist wedding ideas in that buttery little head of yours, Paula. Here, let me help:

“Red Injun” Wedding

* The walk down the aisle will be re-named the “trail of tears.”

* Everyone gets an “Indian Name!” So fun.

* Plus, if you meet someone really cool at the wedding you will declare them your “spirit animal.”

* First dance? “Colors of the Wind.”

* It is an adults-only reception. All children will be swept away to boarding schools to be re-educated in the ways of the white man.

* All wait staff will be Native American. Guests are encouraged to share stories about how ”my great, great grandmother was 1/8 Cherokee Princess.”

* The dancing portion will be called a pow-wow.

* White hipster guests will be able to take the “authentic” native headdresses off of all of the waiters, so that they can wear them to outdoor music festivals.

*If you have the cash-money for celebrity entertainment: Johnny Depp as Tonto.

* Fry bread. Definitely fry bread. But with little butter pockets in there, because butter.

* Waiters will be told that they will be fairly compensated, but will actually be paid in Smallpox Blankets.

* The bride and groom will sign a contract with the wedding facility that stipulates that the party can go until 11pm. Then, when it’s time to leave, they’ll be like “okay, we DISCOVERED this reception hall so we’re just going to keep it.” And the owners will be like “nah, we were already here, I mean we kind of built the whole thing.” And the happy couple will be like “whatever, enjoy all your SMALLPOX.”

Exotic Asian Wedding

* All of the waitresses will be dressed as geishas. They will be small Asian women who are not necessarily of Japanese descent, because do you seriously think that Paula Deen’s racist wedding guests can tell? Paula Deen’s racist wedding guests probably barely know that there are different countries in Asia, they just think it’s an amorphous, spicy landmass called “The Orient.”

* Also all of these waitresses will be referred to as “Oriental.”

* Fortune cookies! Everyone will read theirs out loud then add “in bed” to the end of it. That’s not even racist, it’s just a fun party game.

* Male waiters or cooks will be white men doing racist Asian impressions a la Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

* Fried rice. Definitely fried rice. Wait. Can you deep-fry rice? Maybe that.

* When it comes time to pay, the hosts will encourage the Asian staff to figure out the tab because “you people are always so good at Math!”

Secret Annex Wedding

– Upon entering the reception, some guests will be provided with these really cute identifying patches that they will have to wear at all times (Star of David, purple triangle, what have you).

– Swing music! So ’40s.

– At the beginning of the wedding, all guests will have the same privileges. Restrictions will incrementally be added to the patch-wearing guests. First they will be unable to access the cake table, then they will be barred from dancing on the main dance floor.

– After a point, these guests will be forced to hide in an attic above the reception. They will have to be utterly still and silent “just like in the old days!”.

– Waitresses attending to these guests will be referred to as “Miep Gieses.”

Tenement Wedding

– This wedding package is perfect if you’re the right kind of white person (read: Protestant Anglo-Saxons of means)! As you walk down that aisle and into your new life, you can walk right back into the past – when you could rest assured that you’re the social better of even most other white people.

– The wedding will be “cozy.’ By that I mean each pew will be at double or triple occupancy.

– There will be one small, cramped shared bathroom for all guests.

– The entry to the ceremony will be called “Ellis Island.” And it’s going to be so adorable, oh my goodness. The ushers will inspect you for medical conditions and may arbitrarily send you back, but no big deal, I’m sure you’ll find a way home if that happens! Also if your name is hard to spell or pronounce, that’s silly but we’ll fix it for you.

– The ceremony will take place at a Protestant church, because this is America and we don’t worship the Pope here, thank you.

– All servers and staff will be inspected before they leave to make sure they’re not stealing anything. If there’s a fire, guests will get out just fine because we’ll lock the workers in! Otherwise they’d probably steal stuff.

– No Irish Need Apply.

Modern American Wedding

– Not nostalgic? No problem! Paula Deen will make sure that your fav features of modern America are all reflected in your nuptials

–  We’re going to let Black men go to this one. But if you drive there, you’ll probably get pulled over on the way in. Paula Deen’s just trying to keep all y’all safe!

– Dinner will be served buffet-style. However, women’s plates will be 75% the size of men’s. It’s already a racist wedding, we don’t want to get all wacky with equality and stuff. Who knows where that could lead?

– If you fall anywhere on the brown spectrum, color-wise, please carry identification with you as you may have to prove citizenship at any time.

– The guests with the top 1% of the income may occupy 40% of the dance floor. Don’t worry, most of them will be white.

– Macaroni and cheese bar! Yum.

– I can’t believe I even have to tell you this, but a Paula Deen Modern American Wedding is a one man – one woman affair.

– Probably there’ll be muzak during dinner, then soft rock during the dancing portion. You know Delilah, the inoffensive  syndicated host on radio stations that middle-aged ladies sometimes like? She’s the DJ.

– Cute idea: you could have “food deserts” where your less-affluent guests will have to go really, really far to get any of your more fresh and delicious dishes. But right at their tables you could give them some stuff with sodium and preservatives all up in it!

– A Paula Deen Modern American Wedding is not handicap-accessible.

Please note that all of these ideas can be performed as a bar mitzvah instead. However, that probably means that you’re Jewish, and Paula Deen WILL make a joke about that and levy anti-Semitic slurs at you.

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