Filling The Dancing with the Stars Card

The 21st (yes, really) season of America’s favorite celebrity ballroom competition series kicked off last night with a whole new crew of stars, a term which is used very loosely for this show.

I got into DWTS a few years ago due to my job, and although I’m no longer required to watch it, I find myself accidentally tuning in. This year, I had no choice, since my boy Nick Carter signed up for the show. (BTW my first reaction upon hearing he was cast was ‘Oh no. Nickolas. What are you doing.’ It changed to, ‘I guess I’ll be voting this season?). Of course this isn’t the first time a pop star or even boy bander has joined the competition, and it got me thinking – over the course of 21 seasons, the casting department and producers of DWTS, especially over the past few years, have made it a mission to fulfill certain “stereotypes” when it comes to the contestants on the show. Nick isn’t the first pop singer to join the program, and he’s certainly not the last.

Let’s delve into the certain characters and qualities that appear on the show every year – and determine who actually has a shot of winning the coveted MIRROR BALL TROPHY.

*denotes winner of season

Season 21 Contestant: Nick Carter {Backstreet Boys}

nick-carter-sharna-burgess-dwts-season-21

Filling the Quota: Pop star and-or actor/has plenty of dance experience/ringer

Preceded by: Alfonso Ribeiro (S19)*, Corbin Bleu (S17), Aaron Carter (S9), Lance Bass (S7), Mario (S6), Joey Fatone (S4), Drew Lachey (S2)*, Joey McIntyre (S1)

Usually Partnered With: Sharna Burgess, Alison Holker, Cheryl Burke

Notes: This contestant usually comes in having an impressive background in dance, but not necessarily with ballroom, making them meet high expectations on the dance floor. They’ve also got a sufficient fan base that will vote for them, no matter what.

Season 21 Contestant: Chaka Kahn {Soul Singer}

Filling the Quota: BBW

Preceded by: Patti LaBelle (S20), NeNe Leakes (S18), Amber Riley (S17)*, Sherri Shepherd (S14), Gladys Knight (S14), Wendy Williams (S12), Niecy Nash (S10)

Usually Partnered With: Tony Dovolani, Artem Chigvintsev

Notes: This contestant usually makes it fairly far (not eliminated the first two weeks), even though they’re not usually the best dancer, but they’re universally loved and bring personality and charisma to the show.

Season 21 Contestant: Bindi Irwin {Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s Daughter}

Filling the Quota: Most likely to be on cover of CosmoGirl or Teen People

Preceded by: Willow Shields (S20), Sadie Robertson (S19) Bethany Mota (S19), Zendaya (S16)

Usually Partnered With: Mark Ballas, Derek Hough

Notes: The teens are eager to learn, and quick to learn, maybe most importantly. They also make it fairly far in the competition, and it’s always a fine line between being sexy on the dance floor and remembering they’re underage.

Season 21 Contestant: Andy Grammer {Singer/Songwriter}

Filling the Quota: Rando singer/musician

Preceded by: Redfoo (S20), Gavin DeGraw (S14), Master P (S2), Billy Ray Cyrus (S4), Chuck Wicks (S8), Donny Osmond* (S9), Michael Bolton (S11).

Usually Partnered With: Allison Holker, Sharna Burgess, Emma Slater

Notes: You’d think musicians would have good rhythm as dancers, but most of the time, it just means their rhythm is better suited off the dance floor.

Season 21 Contestant: Tamar Braxton {R&B singer/Reality TV star}

Filling the Quota: Rando female singer

Preceded by: Willa Ford (S3), Marie Osmond and Mel B (S5), Toni Braxton (S7), Belinda Carlisle (S8), Macy Gray and Mya (S9), Nicole Scherzinger * (S10), Brandy (S11), Chynna Phillips (S13), Wynonna Judd and Kellie Pickler (S16),

Usually Partnered With: Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Val Chmerkovskiy, Derek Hough

Notes: Same as Rando Male Singer. Unless you’re former Pussycat Dolls star Nicole Scherzinger, who should could as a boy band ringer.

Season 21 Contestant: Victor Espinoza {Jockey/Triple Crown Winner}

Filling the Quota: Athlete

Preceded by: Michael Sam (S20), Michael Waltrip (S19), Keyshawn Johnson (S17), Jacoby Jones and Victor Oritz (S16), Donald Driver (S14)*, Metta World Peace (S13), Sugar Ray Leonard and Hines Ward (S12)*, Rick Fox (S11), Chad Ochocinco (S10), Warren Sapp (S7), Helio Castroneves* (S5), Apolo Anton Ohno (S4), Emmitt Smith (S3)*

Usually Partnered With: Witney Carson, Karina Smirnoff, Cheryl Burke

Notes: Unless they’re an NFL star, they have no chance of winning.

Season 21 Contestant: Hayes Grier {Vine Personality}

Filling the Quota: Reality TV/Internet Person/WHO?

Preceded by: Mark Cuban (S5), Rocco DiSpirito (S7), Steve-O (S8), Jake Pavelka (S10), Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (S11), Carson Kressley and Rob Kardashian (S13), Sean Lowe (S16),

Usually Partnered With: Emma Slater, Peta Murgatroyd, Karina Smirnoff

Notes: Although this person has plenty of fans, the contestant has a lot of work to do in the dance studio. He gets frustrated often and knows how to be dramatic in front of a camera.

Season 21 Contestant: Alexa Penavega {Actress}

Filling the Quota: Younger actress

Preceded by: Rumer Willis (S20)*, Janel Parrish (S19), Chelsea Kane (S12), Sabrina Bryan (S5), Monique Coleman (S3), Kelly Monaco* (S1)

Usually Partnered With: Val Chmerkovskiy, Mark Ballas, Artem Chigvintsev

Notes: Is the underdog, surprisingly good and consistent throughout the show, a force to be reckoned with towards the end.

Season 21 Contestant: Carlos Penavega {Actor/Singer}

Filling the Quota: Younger actor/singer

Preceded by: Riker Lynch (S20), James Maslow (S18), Brant Daugherty (S17), Roshon Fegan and William Levy (S14), Romeo Miller (S12), Kyle Massey (S11), Cody Linley (S7)

Usually Partnered With: Alison Holker, Witney Carson

Notes: Is the underdog, surprisingly good and consistent throughout the show, a force to be reckoned with towards the end.

Season 21 Contestant: Gary Busey {Actor/This Guy}

Filling the Quota: Older actor/Comedian/Not a chance in hell

Preceded by:  Tommy Chong (S20), Andy Dick (S16) David Hasselhoff (S11), Buzz Aldrin (S10) Tom DeLay (S9), Steve Wozniak (S8), Jeffrey Ross (S7), The Holy Trinity – Steve Guttenberg, Penn Jillette and Adam Carolla (S6), Wayne Newton (S5), Jerry Springer (S3)

Usually Partnered With: Kym Johnson, Cheryl Burke, Emma Slater, Anna Trebunskaya

Notes: Just. No.

Season 21 Contestant: Paula Deen {Former Food Network Star/This Guy}

Filling the Quota: Older Actress/TV Personality

Preceded by: Suzanne Somers (S20), Betsey Johnson and Lea Thompson (S19), Valerie Harper (S17), Ricki Lake (S13), Kirstie Alley (S12), Florence Henderson (S11), Cloris Leachman (S7)

Usually Partnered With: Tony Dovolani, Artem Chigvintsev

Notes: Depending on the star herself, they could either fail (Cloris) or do really well (Kirstie).

 

Season 21 Contestant: Kim Zolciak Biermann {The Real Housewives of Atlanta}

Filling the Quota: Reality TV Star

Preceded by: Lisa Vanderpump (S16), Kristin Cavallari (13), Kendra Wilkinson (S12), Audrina Patridge and Bristol Palin (S11), Kate Gosselin (S10), Joanna Krupa (S9), Holly Madison and Melissa Rycroft (S8), Kim Kardashian (S7), Trista Sutter (S1)

Usually Partnered With: Tony Dovolani, Louis van Amstel, Mark Ballas

Notes: Because this is a REALITY competition show, after all.

Season 21 Contestant: National Guardsman Alex Skarlatos {one of the Americans who helped stop a gunman on a Paris-bound train}

Filling the Quota: Inspirational hero

Preceded by:  Heather Mills (S4), Chaz Bono and J.R. Martinez* (S13), Amy Purdy (S18), Noah Galloway (S20)

Usually Partnered With: Karina Smirnoff, Derek Hough

Notes: The demographic for DWTS LOVES a good inspirational story, one that makes you cry in the video package shown before their dance every week. This contestant usually does really well.

Other Random Quotas Not Filled This Season:

Female Athletes: Laila Ali (S4) ,Monica Seles and Kristi Yamaguchi* (S6), Misty May-Treanor (S7), Shawn Johnson* (S8), Natalie Coughlin (S9), Hope Solo (S13), Martina Navratilova (S14), Dorothy Hamill and Alexandra Raisman (S16), Lolo Jones (S19)

Female Models: Rachel Hunter (S1), Shanna Moakler (S3), Kathy Ireland (S9), Petra Němcová and Elisabetta Canalis (S13), Charlotte McKinney (S20)

Middle-Aged Actress That Were Somewhat Relevant At Some Point In Their Career: Tia Carrere and Tatum O’Neal (S2), Jennie Garth (S5), Shannon Elizabeth (S6), Shannen Doherty (S7), Denise Richards (S8), Melissa Joan Hart (S9), Pamela Anderson (S10 & 15), Ricki Lake (S13), Melissa Gilbert (S14), Elizabeth Berkley Lauren (S17), Danica McKellar (S18)

Middle-Aged Actor That Were Somewhat Relevant At Some Point In Their Career: John O’Hurley (S1), Joey Lawrence and Mario Lopez (S3), Ian Ziering (S4), Ralph Macchio (s12),

Season 21 Predictions: Final Three – Nick Carter, Bindi Irwin and Carlos Penavega

 

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Best of C+S 2013: Paula Deen’s Wedding Empire

Well friends, it’s the last day of 2013 — which is weird, because 2013 still sounds like the future, right? Today there will be a lot of lists and shows looking back on the year that was, and Paula Deen will probably be on there. Yeah. Remember that mess? She made some comments about an antebellum wedding and the rest is history (I’d say racist history, but that would probably be redundant).

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Racist Weddings With Paula Deen

Originally Posted on June 24

So Paula Deen is a racist. She’s that extra-bad kind of racist, too. She’s the kind that thinks because she doesn’t say she hates black people, and doesn’t wish ill on people of color, then she’s not really racist.

Racist Paula Deen planned a Racist Wedding. At Paula Deen’s Racist Wedding, slaves middle-aged black men would serve the guests in order to evoke a time in the South’s past. A time “before, during, or after the Civil War,” according to Paula Deen (isn’t that just ANY TIME?, I wondered). I think she meant the time when slavery was legal, the time during the war to make slavery illegal, and that whole messy Jim Crow/reconstruction business where things were still really bad.

By the way, Paula didn’t refer to these waiters as… you know, THAT word, because they were “professional black men.” First of all, since slaves didn’t get paid, weren’t they the opposite of professionals? Second, I don’t know how you become a professional black man. I think I might only know amateur black men.

I was so disappointed by this. I mean, why stop there, Paula? I think she could have a new show or maybe pen a book on the racist wedding theme. Antebellum Slave Wedding? Okay. But you KNOW you have some more racist wedding ideas in that buttery little head of yours, Paula. Here, let me help:

“Red Injun” Wedding

* The walk down the aisle will be re-named the “trail of tears.”

* Everyone gets an “Indian Name!” So fun.

* Plus, if you meet someone really cool at the wedding you will declare them your “spirit animal.”

* First dance? “Colors of the Wind.”

* It is an adults-only reception. All children will be swept away to boarding schools to be re-educated in the ways of the white man.

* All wait staff will be Native American. Guests are encouraged to share stories about how ”my great, great grandmother was 1/8 Cherokee Princess.”

* The dancing portion will be called a pow-wow.

* White hipster guests will be able to take the “authentic” native headdresses off of all of the waiters, so that they can wear them to outdoor music festivals.

*If you have the cash-money for celebrity entertainment: Johnny Depp as Tonto.

* Fry bread. Definitely fry bread. But with little butter pockets in there, because butter.

* Waiters will be told that they will be fairly compensated, but will actually be paid in Smallpox Blankets.

* The bride and groom will sign a contract with the wedding facility that stipulates that the party can go until 11pm. Then, when it’s time to leave, they’ll be like “okay, we DISCOVERED this reception hall so we’re just going to keep it.” And the owners will be like “nah, we were already here, I mean we kind of built the whole thing.” And the happy couple will be like “whatever, enjoy all your SMALLPOX.”

Exotic Asian Wedding

* All of the waitresses will be dressed as geishas. They will be small Asian women who are not necessarily of Japanese descent, because do you seriously think that Paula Deen’s racist wedding guests can tell? Paula Deen’s racist wedding guests probably barely know that there are different countries in Asia, they just think it’s an amorphous, spicy landmass called “The Orient.”

* Also all of these waitresses will be referred to as “Oriental.”

* Fortune cookies! Everyone will read theirs out loud then add “in bed” to the end of it. That’s not even racist, it’s just a fun party game.

* Male waiters or cooks will be white men doing racist Asian impressions a la Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

* Fried rice. Definitely fried rice. Wait. Can you deep-fry rice? Maybe that.

* When it comes time to pay, the hosts will encourage the Asian staff to figure out the tab because “you people are always so good at Math!”

Secret Annex Wedding

– Upon entering the reception, some guests will be provided with these really cute identifying patches that they will have to wear at all times (Star of David, purple triangle, what have you).

– Swing music! So ’40s.

– At the beginning of the wedding, all guests will have the same privileges. Restrictions will incrementally be added to the patch-wearing guests. First they will be unable to access the cake table, then they will be barred from dancing on the main dance floor.

– After a point, these guests will be forced to hide in an attic above the reception. They will have to be utterly still and silent “just like in the old days!”.

– Waitresses attending to these guests will be referred to as “Miep Gieses.”

Tenement Wedding

– This wedding package is perfect if you’re the right kind of white person (read: Protestant Anglo-Saxons of means)! As you walk down that aisle and into your new life, you can walk right back into the past – when you could rest assured that you’re the social better of even most other white people.

– The wedding will be “cozy.’ By that I mean each pew will be at double or triple occupancy.

– There will be one small, cramped shared bathroom for all guests.

– The entry to the ceremony will be called “Ellis Island.” And it’s going to be so adorable, oh my goodness. The ushers will inspect you for medical conditions and may arbitrarily send you back, but no big deal, I’m sure you’ll find a way home if that happens! Also if your name is hard to spell or pronounce, that’s silly but we’ll fix it for you.

– The ceremony will take place at a Protestant church, because this is America and we don’t worship the Pope here, thank you.

– All servers and staff will be inspected before they leave to make sure they’re not stealing anything. If there’s a fire, guests will get out just fine because we’ll lock the workers in! Otherwise they’d probably steal stuff.

– No Irish Need Apply.

Modern American Wedding

– Not nostalgic? No problem! Paula Deen will make sure that your fav features of modern America are all reflected in your nuptials

–  We’re going to let Black men go to this one. But if you drive there, you’ll probably get pulled over on the way in. Paula Deen’s just trying to keep all y’all safe!

– Dinner will be served buffet-style. However, women’s plates will be 75% the size of men’s. It’s already a racist wedding, we don’t want to get all wacky with equality and stuff. Who knows where that could lead?

– If you fall anywhere on the brown spectrum, color-wise, please carry identification with you as you may have to prove citizenship at any time.

– The guests with the top 1% of the income may occupy 40% of the dance floor. Don’t worry, most of them will be white.

– Macaroni and cheese bar! Yum.

– I can’t believe I even have to tell you this, but a Paula Deen Modern American Wedding is a one man – one woman affair.

– Probably there’ll be muzak during dinner, then soft rock during the dancing portion. You know Delilah, the inoffensive  syndicated host on radio stations that middle-aged ladies sometimes like? She’s the DJ.

– Cute idea: you could have “food deserts” where your less-affluent guests will have to go really, really far to get any of your more fresh and delicious dishes. But right at their tables you could give them some stuff with sodium and preservatives all up in it!

– A Paula Deen Modern American Wedding is not handicap-accessible.

Please note that all of these ideas can be performed as a bar mitzvah instead. However, that probably means that you’re Jewish, and Paula Deen WILL make a joke about that and levy anti-Semitic slurs at you.