Fixer Upper is nailing up its last shiplap after the fifth season. Obviously Chip and Joanna have plenty going on, and somebody has to … fill the silos with subway tiles, or whatever it is happens in Waco… so we don’t begrudge them taking a break. But since Fixer Upper, along with the Great British Bake Off and Bob’s Burgers, is one of my Adult Sesame Street shows (gentle, soothing, predictable and sweet) – well, I’m happy I have one more season to think the following things every single time I watch:
Why does my house have walls?
A common theme in older homes: walls are used to divide areas into separate rooms. Which sounds obvious, but by the end of an episode of Fixer Upper I’m always questioning why some Edwardian dummy put a wall between my dining room and kitchen.
[Although, I don’t have to look at my dirty pots and pans while I’m eating, so I’m pretty sure walls are great.]
These people don’t REALLY want ‘the charm of an old house.’
Episode after episode, I see a homeowner wax poetic about the “charm” of old houses. I agree! My house is 108 and my parents live in an 1830s farmhouse. But more often than not, during the Fixer Upper reno process walls get taken down, moldings get swapped, a new fireplace is fitted, flooring is changed… y’all could’ve gussied up a 1980s cul-de-sac special for the same (beautiful) result.
Shiplap, huh.
The only thing I love as much as Joanna Gaines loves shiplap are my family and Jesus. I kid, sort of, but has anyone done a pie chart of how many Fixer Upper homes use shiplap? No, because it would just be a circle all filled in with one color.
Food for thought: dealing with the old owners’ shiplap is going to be to 2040s remodeling what dealing with old owners’ wood paneling is to 2010s remodeling.
What time is it? It’s BIG CLOCK O’CLOCK!
It’s always Big Clock O’Clock in a Fixer Upper house.
This is what 2010s decor will look like to people from the future.
You know, like how 70s looks like shag carpeting and orange/avocado/brown appliances, and 60s looks like mid-century Mad Men (but PSYCH! most suburban middle-class ’60s homes were kind of Colonial Revival-y), and the 90s looks like country geese and sponge paint?
In period films set in 2015, but made in 2035, it’s going to be light gray walls, shiplap, barn doors, subway tile, open floor plans, industrial lighting and exposed wood beams.
Easy, Chip.
At least once an episode. Different reasons each time.
I could move to Waco.
I can’t move to Waco.
Maybe just a field trip.
What if Joanna Gaines and Nancy Meyers teamed up?
The Intern, possibly my favorite Nancy Meyers kitchen but don’t quote me on it.
Ain’t no kitchen like a Nancy Meyers kitchen cuz a Nancy Meyers kitchen is ABSOLUTELY CHARMING.
I would absolutely watch a show where Nancy Meyers and Joanna Gaines team up to give people kitchens worthy of a lead in a rom-com. The reality show could be kind of a rom-com itself, wherein the homeowner always finds love or herself by the end.
There is no way you cook that much.
Every time somebody needs a double-oven and an island this size of a literal tropical island and they have two kids.
There is no way you pee that much.
Every time someone needs 4 bathrooms and they have two kids. Maybe it’s because I grew up 6 people to one bathroom, but a bathroom per person is bonkers.
[Of course, I live by myself, so I DO now have a bathroom per person, and I can confirm that it is amazing.]
Can they sell one of these whole kitchens at Target?
I’m really excited about the Target Hearth & Home collab, but also I don’t want a sign that says “Farmhouse” or “Eggs 5c,” I want an entire Gaines-ified kitchen; too much to ask?
I wonder what’s under my floors.
My house is all hardwoods, except the kitchen and bathroom. But are there hardwoods UNDER the kitchen flooring?
I found out the hard way that the answer is yes, but it’s actually under a vinyl floor, sheet linoleum, a subfloor, other sheet linoleum, ASBESTOS I THINK, and then another subfloor. So I don’t actually think this when I watch Fixer Upper anymore now because I bit that apple. I bit it hard.
By the way, do you want to know what’s in my rafters? Very old haunted-looking newspapers that seem like they’re a clue or something. I assume someone name Bertha or Sherman stashed them there in 1911 just to mess with me.
Joanna has great hair.
At least once an episode I’m struck by how shiny and frizz-free Jojo Gaines’s hair is.
So everyone’s on the same level of excitement about the next Bachelor, right?
ps this is such a horrible pic of a handsome gentleman. the lighting is bad, he’s so awkward with the rose, ugh it’s embar
Ha. I kid, I kid. Ever since Arie Luyendyk Jr. was named the official Bachelor for season 22 earlier this month, a lot of people – members of Bachelor Nation or not – were exclaiming into whatever device they read the news on and yelled, “WHAT?” and/or “WHO?!”
For those of you who haven’t been following along at home (welcome to an entire post about a reality show you don’t watch), the producers’ pick of Arie was kind of out of left field. Ok, REALLY out of left field. As in, he was a runner-up on The Bachelorette in 2012. He had kind of been in the running a few years ago, but never a real candidate since there were always other guys from more recent seasons who were “better”.
In fact, it’s been a trend for most of the seasons of the franchise to pick the next Bachelor/ette based on one of the finalists from the previous season. EG: Rachel Lindsay, the most recent Bachelorette, was a third-place finisher on season 21 of The Bachelor (featuring Nick Viall, who’s been one two seasons and recently split from the winner/fiancee he picked from his season). Naturally, fans were expecting the next Bachelor to come from Rachel’s batch of bros. But he didn’t. And I’ma break down why:
Dean
Oh Deanie Baby. So Dean had quite the journey on the Bachelorette. As you can see, he’s super cute and is the type of guy who’s always smiling and laughing (a lot of the time to hide the pain). He was the youngest of the finalists at 25, compared to Rachel’s 31. Now Age might be Nothin’ But a Number, but in this case, Rach gave it a try and it turned out – age wasn’t just a number. He still has so much learning to do. For starters, his mom died when he was young, and because of that, he’s had a tense relationship with his dad. Dean made it to hometowns and hadn’t seen his dad in two years. In fact, Rachel’s visit was the first time his entire family had been together in a long time, and knowing Dean had shit to figure out about his own life before dedicating himself to a wife, Rachel sent him home.
But that wasn’t the only problem. The other problem was that Dean signed up for Bachelor in Paradise, the summer show that features past contestants, many of whom weren’t too memorable during their season. In the beginning, Dean hit it off with Kristina, who had been on Nick Viall’s season. They spent a lot of time together during the first week, and during the few weeks the show was shut down (woof that’s a whole other thing) they spent time together off camera. Then when the show went back in production, they kept up their romance – until Danielle Lombard aka D. Lo, showed up. She’s gorge and also from Nick’s season, and Dean zeroed in on her. Obviously, it’s the nature of the show that people can have multiple paramores, but Dean went about it all the wrong way. He kept stringing along Kristina and Danielle, but Kristina eventually got fed up and left on her own accord. At the end of the show Dean admitted to Danielle he made a mistake by letting Kristina go and ended up with no one. Poor choices. And he admitted it. But these BIP love triangle shenans definitely ruined his chances of becoming the Bachelor. After Rachel dumped him, he was a top choice for Bachelor. After this, he barely got any “woos” at the BIP reunion from the audience.
Eric
It’s miracle season, baby! Eric, bless his heart. I was rooting for him the entire season, but knew Rachel was never going choose him. He didn’t become a frontrunner until mid-season, and he admitted he had never even brought a girl home to meet his family before Rachel, so it was obviously a big deal for him. He even professed his love for her! But it didn’t work out and he came in third place, with arguably the best goodbye in Bach history. The thing about Eric is that while he had the heart, he isn’t necessarily the type to become the star of the show, if that makes any sense. It was never really in the cards.
Peter
Oh Peter. TBH, The Bachelorette was never a good fit for you. He had been the frontrunner since the beginning of the season, and everyone expected him to be The One. That is until he admitted to Rachel that he wasn’t sure he could propose to her at the end of their journey. You’re telling me that you have doubts about proposing to a woman you’ve known for like 3 months? ABSURD. JK he’s the most rational human to ever be on the show. Their break-up was heartbreaking and it set up the actual winner, Bryan, to look like he was Rachel’s second choice. But as hot and perfect on paper Peter was for The Bachelor, his beliefs on an engagement – the crux of the show – is the exact reason he needs to find love anywhere else but TV.
Alright, so the three top contenders from Rachel’s season are duds. Now what? You go back in time (because picking a new guy is probs worse) and find other contenders. Jojo’s (the bachelorette before Rachel) runner-up Robby has been off in Paradise fighting infidelity rumors, and her third place finisher, Luke Pell, was close to becoming the Bachelor but something weird happened and Nick became the Bachelor instead.
Which leads us to Arie. For me, I had watched the first few seasons of the Bachelor franchise then dropped off and got back into it when my job literally forced me to watch it. The season was Emily Maynard’s season aka the season Arie was runner-up. I still maintain it was one of the best seasons of the show. Unlike other seasons where it was clear who they were going to pick between the final two, it was truly a toss-up between Arie and eventual winner Jef. although Jef and Emily called it quits months after the show ended. Either way, Arie, at the time, was a dreamboat. Everyone loved him. Why?
It’s been five years since Arie was a prominent character on the show, but he’s still as good looking as he was back then. In fact, he’s got a salt-and-pepper hair situation going on and TBH, I AIN’T MAD AT IT.
He’s a Racecar Driver
Rumor has it that Arie was actually the first choice before Bachelor Chris Soules, but Arie wanted to focus on his racing career. And he’s pretty damn good at it. In fact, he comes from a racing family, since his dad is a two-time Indy 500 winner. Expect to see a tape piece of him slowly coming out of his car in the first ep. And a follow up group date on the track.
On Emily’s season, there were a bunch of goofballs (which evened out with the number of assholes). And two of the biggest goofballs were Arie and Jef – Emily really enjoyed a guy with humor (sidenote: apparently Jef and Arie aren’t friends anymore and that makes me sad). There are a lot of instances in which Arie was a jokester, including the scene above. And for some reason, these bloopers are always at the forefront of my mind when I think of Arie, maybe because I watched it multiple times when it first aired. Basically, it’s bloopers of Arie giving a video message to Emily (as one of her three finalists) and even Arie realizes how ridiculous it is. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY HANDS?
He’s Dutch
Like his parents are straight out of Holland. And they all speak Dutch. ::emoji with heart eyes::
Arie was known as the hottest kisser to ever be on the franchise and even dubbed “The Kissing Bandit”. Emily couldn’t even stop talking about kissing Arie. I mean, this clip of them on the streets of Croatia is forever burned in my brain. I’d sign up just to experience anything close to this with Arie. Amirite, ladies???
All of these reasons are why I think he’s going to be great as The Bachelor. I know, I feel like I’m in the literal minority here, but I think he’s a great choice. However, he’s definitely going to have to prove it. And I think he’s up to the task. In fact, I think he’ll even make jokes about it in the first episode, reminding people that he was actually on the show.
Of course, his post-bachelor life included dating people like iconic Bach villain Courtney Robertson, but all that drama aside, I think he’s really going on the show to find a wife. He’s 35 and probably feels like he’s ready to settle down for real. And if the process worked before when he fell in love with Emily, he knows he can find it again (hopefully) when the ball is in his court.
So yeah, he might not be Dean, who’s living life as the newest Bachelor alum/Social Media Influencer, and he’s definitely no Peter, who’s in Wisconsin working on his fitness and welcome to give me a call at any time. But he’s someone that has a lot of potential in that he’s working with a blank slate. A lot of fans might not know anything about him and that could be a good thing, but I’m positive they’ll be just as into the show and his love life just like any other season. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
Well, I finally did it. I caved like a chocolate soufflé fresh out the oven. I watched The Great British Bake-Off (Or The Great British Baking Show for us Americans).
Of course I’ve heard nothing but good things about it for a while now (see Molly’s spot on post from last year), and for some reason, on a recent Sunday night (morning?) at 12:30am, I decided to press play on season 1 and it was all downhill from there.
About a week and a half later, I’m nearly caught up with the most recent season and pretty much convinced myself I, too, can make scrummy plaited breads with no soggy bottoms. But one of the main reasons I became obsessed with the show is that every contestant was utterly delightful – there was no animosity between them, and in fact, like Molly said in her post, they’re all helpful and supportive of each other. Of course I had my favorites like any other TV competition show, but there were some bakers who stood out for me more than the others, the ones that I would love to hang out with outside of the tent, the ones who would cheer me on even if the cold, hard reality of my lack of baking skills was slapped in my face like a dough being kneaded harshly against the bench.
Have I gone too far with the GBBO refs? Get used to it, muffins. Here are the contestants from the four seasons (that have aired in the U.S.) that I would love to start a squad with. Do you agree/want to join? Read on to find out.
Ready? Set! BAaakkEEE!
Season 1/Series 4
Glenn
The moment Glenn popped up on my screen, I was all in. He’s a teacher who kept a positive attitude but knew when to be comically self-depreciating when need be. I just wanted to give him a hug any time he didn’t get the best feedback from the judges. Plus, he’s a gay British man, which is like, my target demo.
Kimberley
The runner-up had a smile that could light up the room. Yes, I realize that is the cliche-est of all the cliches, but it’s true. She was confident enough in her baking and not the type to beat herself up if she didn’t have a good round. And just back to that smile real quick – who wouldn’t want that on a day when you’re feeling shitty?
Season 2/Series 5
Kate
Kate had light pink streaks in her hair and that’s why I like her. The end.
JK. But anyone who has pink hair has to be a certain type of bold character to wear it proudly, and Kate is just that. Her attitude was the perfect mix of bubbly and not-so-bubbly in the stressful times, and that’s exactly the type personality I’d be into for my GBBO Squad.
Season 3/Series 6
Sandy
You know when you’re just minding your business at work and then your peer makes a snarky comment under their breath, and you’re like, “Wait. That’s really funny,” and then you become pals because you both have the same sense of humor? That’s Sandy. Throughout her time on GBBO, she’d have these one-liners that killed me, and had me thinking about them for days later. She once made a David Attenborough joke that only Brits and rando Americans would get, and I couldn’t stop laughing. Case in point: the GIF above in which Sandy describes how her creme brulee should NOT wobble. Rather, it should only have a little wobble, like so:
Alright I’m lumping these two star bakers together, because they’re what inspired me to write this post in the first place. Individually, each of these lovelies had me rooting for them from the first episode. Nadiya (as the internet is wont to tell you) had THE BEST reaction faces throughout the entire competition, and it was like she was reflecting what the viewers at home were doing too. She lacked confidence in the beginning and kept thinking she was going to get cut, but she, like Tamal, was a pretty consistently good baker from the get go. Tamal, an adorable, funny, talented doctor, was just a delight to watch throughout the series, and any time Nadiya and Tamal would get screen time together, I basically just wanted to leap through my screen and hug them both at the same time and force them to be friends with me. Is that too aggressive? Yeah, probably for the best.
And the sweet, sweet words Tamal said about Nadiya in the finale was the most precious. I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE SUPPORT THEIR FRIENDS. AND I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE GAIN SELF-CONFIDENCE. FULL CIRCLE. I LOVE NADIYA AND TAMAL!
Like Kate before her, I knew I was going to like Candice because her lipstick game was on POINT. It’s such a simple cosmetic look, but it gives her “a thing” to be remembered by with audiences watching from home. And if she doesn’t have her own lipstick line yet, that’s probably something she should get on. Another reason I liked Candice is that her accent sounded familiar to me, as if I had heard her speak before. Well, turns out, she just reminds me of Victoria Beckham because they have such a similar accent (and kind of from the same section of England). Made me like her even more.
Benjamina
Benjamina is one of those bakers who is so super talented, but due to time constraints and other factors, just isn’t always the star baker each week. But you know she’s got it. And she’s got a good attitude about the competition too, just like many of the others that have proceeded her on this list.
Selasi
Cool as a cucumber – that phrase was made about Selasi. This dude knows how to bake, knows which flavors go with what, and doesn’t freak out completely if a challenge isn’t going his way. Plus the way he talks I could listen to all day.
Ed. Note: I’m obviously watching all this in a bubble, and don’t know any of the politics or media spectacle or post-interviews any of the contestants have done since the show. All I knew was that Nadiya won and everyone loved her. That’s it. Apparently, when searching for Selasi GIFs, there was a rumored thing going on between him and Benjamina? I’m afraid to dig too deep into it, because in full disclosure, I’m not quite done with this season and don’t want to be spoiled
Bonus: Mel & Sue
THE NEXT SEASON OF GBBO IS NOT GOING TO BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU TWO (OR MARY). I DON’T KNOW HOW WE SURVIVED WITHOUT YOUR PUNS AND CHEEKY INNUENDO ON TV ALL THESE YEARS IN AMERICA.
Keep reading if your answer is yes. Because the correct answer is yes.
Executives at ABC recently announced a new reality show called Boy Band, a 10-episode series coming this summer featuring aspiring male singers vying for a spot in a – you guessed it – boy band. Viewers can vote for their favorites, with the top five forming the final group. Think American Juniors meets Making The Band, but sans sketchy Lou Pearlman and with adults.
But what if the singers of boy band past tried out for Boy Band? Would they make the cut? We make the ultimate group based on a very scientific method: what the singer was like at the height of their popularity, their voice, their voice blending with the other voices, how their popularity would shine on a reality TV competition and my own personal opinion.
Nick Carter
OG Boy Band: Backstreet Boys
Vocal Function: Lead Tenor
Personality Function: The Heartthrob
Why He Would Make The Cut: Every boy band needs a lead heartthrob with a singing ability to make you swoon in your over-postered bedroom. Circa ’99, Nick Carter was the picture perfect dreamboat, made to make the cover of Tiger Beat, YM and Teen People all over the world. Every time he asked, “Am I sexual?”, the answer is always a screeching, “YES!”.
Harry Styles
OG Boy Band: One Direction
Vocal Function: Second Tenor
Personality Function: Silent Heartthrob
Why He Would Make The Cut: That face. That accent. The way he belts those notes. That hair. The way he puts his hands through THAT HAIR.
Nick Jonas
OG Boy Band: Jonas Brothers
Vocal Function: Counter Tenor
Personality Function: The Seemingly Serious One But Actual Sex Pot
Why He Would Make The Cut: I’m talking Jealous -> now era of Nick Jonas even though the JoBros doesn’t exist and I wouldn’t even really classify them as a real boy band. But Nick is a smokeshow, can hit those falsetto notes like nobody’s business and did I mention he’s a smokeshow?
Donnie Wahlberg
OG Boy Band: New Kids on the Block
Vocal Function: Bass
Personality Function: Bad Boy
Why He Would Make The Cut: Similarly to Nick Jonas, I’d say later era Donnie Wahlberg is primo Donnie Wahlberg. I saw him on the NKOTBSB tour with BSB and I was completely shook and quite frankly upset with myself that I had not been paying more attention to Donnie all these years. He is straight up beefcake, masculine to the max sexy, and his speak/singing voice will automatically take your undergarments off.
Joey Fatone
OG Boy Band:*N SYNC
Vocal Function: Baritone
Personality Function: Jokester
Why He Would Make The Cut: Joey is the type of dude who would thrive on a reality TV competition show. He’s such a ham for the cameras that audiences would lap it right up. See: Dancing with the Stars.
BONUS: Justin Timberlake would be the second one to make the group, but like Ikaika before him, he left to pursue a solo career. Nick Jonas takes his place in a dramatic results show episode.
Another season of Dancing with the Stars is around the corner, and this week, the cast of 13 “stars” was revealed. To be honest, a handful of these wannabe dancers are so generic and fit into pre-existing DWTS roles that I thought they were already on the show before. Or Marilu Henner was just destined for this show.
A couple seasons ago, I broke down the usual suspects when it comes to casting DWTS, since every star can usually fit into a pre-existing category. I’ve done it again for this season and also determined who actually has a shot of winning the coveted MIRROR BALL TROPHY (it’s worth noting I correctly guessed two of the final three from S21, so I’m pretty much an expert on this kayyyy?).
*denotes winner of season
Season 23 Contestant: Maureen McCormick {Actress}
Filling the Quota: Actress That Was Somewhat Relevant At Some Point In Their Career
Preceded by: Tia Carrere and Tatum O’Neal (S2), Jennie Garth (S5), Shannon Elizabeth (S6), Shannen Doherty (S7), Denise Richards (S8), Melissa Joan Hart (S9), Pamela Anderson (S10 & 15), Ricki Lake (S13), Melissa Gilbert (S14), Elizabeth Berkley Lauren (S17), Danica McKellar (S18)
Usually Partnered With: Tony Dovolani, Artem Chigvintsev
Notes: I have a feeling Maureen will at least make it through the halfway point. She’s got the nostalgia factor going for her, and she’s probably got some moves she’s been hiding since Sunshine Day? Also, I predict she will say something along the lines of this in the first episode: “Hi, I’m Maureen McCormick and I’m an actress. You probably know me best as Marcia on The Brady Bunch… I have asked my TV mom Florence Henderson for some pointers, and she just told me to be confident, and most importantly have fun!”
Season 23 Contestant: Marilu Henner {Actress}
Filling the Quota: Older Actress/TV Personality
Preceded by: Paula Deen (S21), Suzanne Somers (S20), Betsey Johnson and Lea Thompson (S19), Valerie Harper (S17), Ricki Lake (S13), Kirstie Alley (S12), Florence Henderson (S11), Cloris Leachman (S7)
Usually Partnered With: Tony Dovolani, Artem Chigvintsev
Notes: Marilu and Maureen are basically filling the same role, except Marilu lucked out with Derek Hough. Because of this alone, she has a good shot of staying in the game longer than Maureen.
Season 23 Contestant: Jake T. Austin {Actor}
Filling the Quota: Younger actor/singer
Preceded by: Carlos PenaVega (S21), Riker Lynch (S20), James Maslow (S18), Brant Daugherty (S17), Roshon Fegan and William Levy (S14), Romeo Miller (S12), Kyle Massey (S11), Cody Linley (S7)
Usually Partnered With: Alison Holker, Witney Carson, Jenna Johnson
Notes: Usually this person is the underdog, surprisingly good and consistent throughout the show, a force to be reckoned with towards the end. I can definitely see Jake doing this, and he’ll have a good story to tell too: former Disney star who got into some trouble with the law (DUI) a few years ago? Golden. Too bad there’s another cast member who has a better redemption story.
Season 23 Contestant: Kenneth ‘Babyface’ Edmonds {Singer/Songwriter/Producer}
Filling the Quota: Rando singer/musician
Preceded by: Andy Grammer (S21), Redfoo (S20), Gavin DeGraw (S14), Master P (S2), Billy Ray Cyrus (S4), Chuck Wicks (S8), Donny Osmond* (S9), Michael Bolton (S11).
Usually Partnered With: Allison Holker, Sharna Burgess, Emma Slater
Notes: You’d think musicians would have good rhythm as dancers, but most of the time, it just means their rhythm is better suited off the dance floor. Babyface will probably hang on past the mid-season mark.
Season 23 Contestant: Calvin Johnson {NFL Star}
Filling the Quota: Athlete
Preceded by: Michael Sam (S20), Michael Waltrip (S19), Keyshawn Johnson (S17), Jacoby Jones and Victor Oritz (S16), Donald Driver (S14)*, Metta World Peace (S13), Sugar Ray Leonard and Hines Ward (S12)*, Rick Fox (S11), Chad Ochocinco (S10), Warren Sapp (S7), Helio Castroneves* (S5), Apolo Anton Ohno (S4), Emmitt Smith (S3)*
Usually Partnered With: Witney Carson, Karina Smirnoff, Cheryl Burke, Lindsay Arnold
Notes: I honestly have no idea who this is, but NFL stars usually excel when it comes to DWTS.
Season 23 Contestant: Vanilla Ice {Rapper}
Filling the Quota: Rando singer/musician
Preceded by: Redfoo (S20), Gavin DeGraw (S14), Master P (S2), Billy Ray Cyrus (S4), Chuck Wicks (S8), Donny Osmond* (S9), Michael Bolton (S11).
Usually Partnered With: Allison Holker, Sharna Burgess, Emma Slater
Notes: Unlike Babyface, Ice actually dances when he performs, so he’s got a good shot here. Will he dance to Ice Ice Baby? 100 million percent yes. (Ed note: I swear I found that video after writing that. Dancing on Ice is a DWTS/Strictly Come Dancing spin-off in the UK. He placed 7th out of 16.)
Season 23 Contestant: Amber Rose {Model/Talk Show Host}
Filling the Quota: Reality TV Star
Preceded by: Kim Zolciak Biermann (S21), Lisa Vanderpump (S16), Kristin Cavallari (13), Kendra Wilkinson (S12), Audrina Patridge and Bristol Palin (S11), Kate Gosselin (S10), Joanna Krupa (S9), Holly Madison and Melissa Rycroft (S8), Kim Kardashian (S7), Trista Sutter (S1)
Usually Partnered With: Tony Dovolani, Louis van Amstel, Mark Ballas
Notes: I never really know what to call Amber Rose, but per her ABC bio, she’s a “proud mother, activist, entrepreneur, spokesperson, talk show host, model, actor and published author from Philadelphia, PA.” Ok then. She’ll do alright. She’ll also get in heated arguments with Maks. But muva won’t be taking home a trophy for Sebastian.
Season 23 Contestant: Terra Jole {Reality TV Star}
Filling the Quota: Inspirational hero
Preceded by: Alex Skarlatos (S21), Heather Mills (S4), Chaz Bono and J.R. Martinez* (S13), Amy Purdy (S18), Noah Galloway (S20)
Usually Partnered With: Karina Smirnoff, Derek Hough
Notes: The demographic for DWTS LOVES a good inspirational story, one that makes you cry in the video package shown before their dance every week. This contestant usually does really well.
Season 23 Contestant: Jana Kramer {Country Music Star}
Filling the Quota: Rando female singer who needs to overcome adversity
Preceded by: Toni Braxton (S7), Wynonna Judd (S16),
Usually Partnered With: Karina Smirnoff, Derek Hough
Notes: Jana fills two quotas, one as a rando female singer, but the other unfortunately because she recently separated from her husband. Who knows if she’ll discuss why she decided to do the the or if she signed up prior to her split, but she’ll grab some sympathy votes in addition to her natural talent.
Season 23 Contestant: Rick Perry {Former Governor of Texas}
Filling the Quota: Older actor/Comedian/Not a chance in hell
Preceded by: Gary Busey (S21), Tommy Chong (S20), Andy Dick (S16) David Hasselhoff (S11), Buzz Aldrin (S10) Tom DeLay (S9), Steve Wozniak (S8), Jeffrey Ross (S7), The Holy Trinity – Steve Guttenberg, Penn Jillette and Adam Carolla (S6), Wayne Newton (S5), Jerry Springer (S3)
Usually Partnered With: Kym Johnson, Cheryl Burke, Emma Slater, Anna Trebunskaya
Notes: Here’s a hint – any older male contestant whose initial promo photo features them standing and not doing any sort of dance move – they probably won’t get too far in the competition.
Season 23 Contestant: Laurie Hernandez {Olympic Gymnast}
Filling the Quota: Female athlete
Preceded by: Laila Ali (S4), Monica Seles and Kristi Yamaguchi* (S6), Misty May-Treanor (S7), Shawn Johnson* (S8), Natalie Coughlin (S9), Hope Solo (S13), Martina Navratilova (S14), Dorothy Hamill and Alexandra Raisman (S16), Lolo Jones (S19)
Usually Partnered With: Mark Ballas, Derek Hough, Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Notes: WE’RE NOT PLAYING COY, WE WANT THIS CINNAMON ROLL OF A HUMAN EMOJI TO GO ALL THE WAY AND WIN THAT MIRROR BALL TROPHY
Season 23 Contestant: James Hinchcliffe {Racecar Driver}
Filling the Quota: Reality TV/Internet Person/WHO?
Preceded by: Hayes Grier (S21), Mark Cuban (S5), Rocco DiSpirito (S7), Steve-O (S8), Jake Pavelka (S10), Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (S11), Carson Kressley and Rob Kardashian (S13), Sean Lowe (S16),
Usually Partnered With: Emma Slater, Peta Murgatroyd, Karina Smirnoff
Notes: Although this person has plenty of fans, the contestant has a lot of work to do in the dance studio. He gets frustrated often and knows how to be dramatic in front of a camera. Also, I have no idea who this person is.
Season 23 Contestant: Ryan Lochte {Olympic Swimmer}
Filling the Quota: Male athlete who has to overcome adversity
Preceded by: Michael Sam (S20), Michael Waltrip (S19), Keyshawn Johnson (S17), Jacoby Jones and Victor Oritz (S16), Donald Driver (S14)*, Metta World Peace (S13), Sugar Ray Leonard and Hines Ward (S12)*, Rick Fox (S11), Chad Ochocinco (S10), Warren Sapp (S7), Helio Castroneves* (S5), Apolo Anton Ohno (S4), Emmitt Smith (S3)*
Usually Partnered With: Witney Carson, Karina Smirnoff, Cheryl Burke, Lindsay Arnold
Notes: Apparently Lochte was in talks to do the show before the who #LochteGate happened, so this just happens to be serendipitous timing. He wouldn’t be the first star to help fix their reputation – remember racist Paula Deen? She made it to 9th place and bested four other contestants!
Other Random Quotas Not Filled This Season:
Female Models: Rachel Hunter (S1), Shanna Moakler (S3), Kathy Ireland (S9), Petra Němcová and Elisabetta Canalis (S13), Charlotte McKinney (S20)
Middle-Aged Actor That Were Somewhat Relevant At Some Point In Their Career: John O’Hurley (S1), Joey Lawrence and Mario Lopez (S3), Ian Ziering (S4), Ralph Macchio (s12)
Younger Actress: Alexa PenaVega (S21), Rumer Willis (S20)*, Janel Parrish (S19), Chelsea Kane (S12), Sabrina Bryan (S5), Monique Coleman (S3), Kelly Monaco* (S1)
Most likely to be on cover of CosmoGirl or Teen People: Willow Shields (S20), Sadie Robertson (S19) Bethany Mota (S19), Zendaya (S16)
Pop star and-or actor/has plenty of dance experience/ringer: Nick Carter (S21), Alfonso Ribeiro (S19)*, Corbin Bleu (S17), Aaron Carter (S9), Lance Bass (S7), Mario (S6), Joey Fatone (S4), Drew Lachey (S2)*, Joey McIntyre (S1)
Season 21 Predictions: Final Three – Laurie Hernandez, Jana Kramer, and Jake T. Austin
Happy Memorial Day! Also happy Motivation Monday (I’m taking a social media hashtag approach this week)! After you finish showing down on hamburgers or setting off fireworks or whatever you do on Memorial Day, may I suggest sitting down to watch the season premiere of my favorite reality show, So You Think You Can Dance. Or rather, So You Think You Can Dance: The Next Generation.
I’ve been a fan since the literal jump, so when they announced the new format for the 13th season, in which the contestants are kids and not 18+, I was a little hesitant. Actually still am, pending on how tonight turns out. For me, I find young adults competing and achieving their goals much more interesting and less gut-wrenching than seeing kids get eliminated from a show which they think is a life and death situation. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not some sort of curmudgeon about this – in fact, if SYTYCD: TNG turns out to be anything like MasterChef Junior, then count me in. 100 percent. Especially since I know there are some talented kid dancers out there.
I’ve been known to tinker around the Internet here and there, and somehow on my travels I manage to find super talented kids who are already much better dancers than I’ll ever be. So before tuning in to SYTYCD: TNG, check out some of these kids that will motivate you to get up and move that tush a little more.
Soni Nicole Bringas
All four of these kids are great, but I’d like to point out the girl on the right with the long brown hair. If you’re wondering if she looks familiar, it’s because she plays Kimmy Gibbler’s daughter on Fuller House. So not only is she a good actress, she’s an amazing dancer too. Acting seems to be her second profession, really. That’s how good she is.
Aidan Prince
Again, if this kid rings a bell in your brain, he’s one of those kids Ellen brings on her show because she’s dance’s number one fan. I actually discovered him while creeping on videos Soni was in, because apparently this is what 30 is like, folks. Aidan has been dancing for years now, but his hits and grooves are so impressive for a kid his age.
Charlize Glass
This girl. Muscles for dayz. And you can tell because she is one of the strongest dancers I’ve seen, including adults. The other two girls in this video (another appearance by azn gal Bailey Sok on the left) are great dancers, however Charlize could easily pass for a 23 year old with her moves alone.
Kaycee Rice
I don’t even know what the fuck that video is, I’m convinced she’s some sort of dance alien that came to Earth to teach us how dancing really works. Like, what are those moves?
Big Will Simmons
This kid actually deserves the name Big Will. You know how some dudes give themselves nicknames that don’t really fit their personality? Big Will’s swag lives up to his name.
Sofia Lucia
Apparently this girl is on Dance Moms. No idea. All I know is that her extension and turns are flawless.
Folks, we’re one week away from a new season of The Bachelorette aka America’s favorite guilty pleasure. Season 12 features Ben Higgins reject Jojo, you know the runner-up who Ben professed his love to, even though you’re not supposed to do that until the season finale. Jojo, like all the other losers in The Bachelor franchise, deserves love, and she will hopefully find it with the man of her dreams on national TV starting on May 23rd. But what exactly does she – and we – have to look forward to this season? I mean besides Jojo’s mom drinking alcohol straight out of the bottle? These dudes.
ABC released the first look of the men she’ll be picking from this time around and let’s just say… it should be an interesting season. I’ve decided to make a few first impression judgements on some of the guys, and then figure out if I was anywhere near the truth. I PROMISE I did not peek at their bios before giving my guesses! Do any of these guys look remotely appealing to y’all? Maybe their personalities will shine through when the show premieres. And I am ready to be proven wrong.
Fake Name: Stellan
Fake Occupation: Mixologist at hipster speakeasy in Silver Lake – known for his magic tricks at the bar
Fake Rando Fact: Makes his own craft beer in his garage
Real name: Evan
Real Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert (NO, REALLY)
Real Rando Fact: Favorite type of dancing is “booty” dancing
Will he last? Nah.
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Julian
Fake Occupation: Vintner in Napa Valley
Fake Rando Fact: Says he’s fluent in French, took one semester in college (got a B- as a final grade)
Real name: Nick S.
Real Occupation: Software Salesman
Real Rando Fact: The food he dislikes the most is “scary cheeses”
Will he last? Not with that neckerchief, no.
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Tony
Fake Occupation: Wedding DJ
Fake Rando Fact: At the age of 16, he was briefly in a boy band called No Way Out. It was managed by Lou Pearlman’s cousin Stu Pearlman.
Real name: Vinny
Real Occupation: Barber
Real Rando Fact: The most embarrassing style he’s ever had: “I bleached my tips once. I looked like Timberlake – boy-band style.”
Will he last? Nope.
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Charlie
Fake Occupation: Financial analyst
Fake Rando Fact: Grew up on a ranch and was the Colorado state champion bull rider
Real name: James Taylor
Real Occupation: Singer-Songwriter
Real Rando Fact: He has a tattoo of an American flag and eagle on his left arm/shoulder.
Will he last? How sweet it is to (not be) loved by you
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Ashley
Fake Occupation: Hairstylist
Fake Rando Fact: Worked for celebrity hairstylist Jonathan Antin but was fired during episode two of his Bravo reality TV series Blow Out
Real name: Luke
Real Occupation: War Veteran
Real Rando Fact: If he could be any superhero, he would be Superman, because “he’s got swag and powers.”
Will he last? No, sir.
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Scotty B.
Fake Occupation: Manages bookshop/cafe in Chicago
Fake Rando Fact: Was a former child actor, best known as Beans on Even Stevens.
Real name: Brandon
Real Occupation: Hipster
Real Rando Fact: His all-time favorite book is David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell, because of “how he sees challenges, advantages and disadvantages.”
Will he last? We’ve got a Goliath on our hands
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Mikey
Fake Occupation: Sports Trainer
Fake Rando Fact: Is super into China and its entire culture
Real name: Alex
Real Occupation: U.S. Marine
Real Rando Fact: The most outrageous thing he’s ever done – “Ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety.”
Will he last? Um, probs not?
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Jayson
Fake Occupation: Fitness Model
Fake Rando Fact: Is one of 7 kids – only boy in the bunch
Real name: Christian
Real Occupation: Telecom Consultant
Real Rando Fact: His best friend is his mom, “She is my ultimate supporter and has been there every step of the way.”
Will he last? I don’t believe in Christian’s longevity
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Tyler
Fake Occupation: Coffee Enthusiast
Fake Rando Fact: Been an extra in five episodes of Portlandia
Real name: Wells
Real Occupation: Radio DJ
Real Rando Fact: He doesn’t like pizza.
Will he last? Maybe? I’m not-so-secretly rooting for him, based on nothing.
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Nate
Fake Occupation: Product Developer
Fake Rando Fact: Doesn’t hide the fact he loves Ryan Gosling
Real name: Chad
Real Occupation: Luxury Real Estate Agent
Real Rando Fact: “All-time favorite movies – The Notebook (don’t make fun of me)”
Well guys, it’s January, which means one thing: breaking resolutions a new season of The Bachelor! America’s favorite guilty pleasure is back, and so is our inability to stop watching year after year despite telling ourselves otherwise. But I mean, how else are we supposed to judge others as a community while downing bottles of wine?? And this time around, the 20th season of The Bachelor features one of the most beloved contestants in the series, Ben H(iggins).
When Ben H. was dumped by Kaitlyn on last year’s The Bachelorette, the cries of thousands of females (and males) were heard around the country, including mine. He was one of the nicest, non-dramatic, HOT, there for the *right reasons* contestants on the season, and it was obvious he was going to be chosen as the next object of affection. Now that he has the title, all he needs is a slew of women stirring up some trouble inside the mansion as well as his heart. Last night, we were introduced to the 28 ladies vying for Ben H. and it’s already off to such a great start. In full disclosure, I latched myself onto my friends’ Bachelor fantasy league yesterday afternoon and I have a lot more riding on this season than normal (nothing, we’re playing for nothing) but it is intense THERE IS AN EXTENSIVE GOOGLE DOCUMENT AND I AM EXCITED. Here are some of the contestants who stuck out to me (and might be part of my fantasy team), and maybe not all for the *right reasons*.
The Frontrunners
Get these girls a ticket to their hometowns already
Lauren B ⋅ 25 ⋅ Flight Attendant
Lauren B. seems to already be a favorite among #BachelorNation, but more importantly to Ben, who was obviously smitten with her during their brief chat in front of the fireplace.
Becca ⋅ 26 ⋅ Chiropractic Assistant
I’m in the “Who Cares” camp if someone from a previous season comes back to the show again, because on the real, it’s a whole different ball game. Becca’s relationship with Chris Soules is completely different than the one with Ben. On top of that, if her romance with Ben is stronger than his is with, say, Olivia, then let them be, amirite?!
Caila ⋅ 23 ⋅ Software Sales Representative
Caila, like Ben, is a software sales rep, so they probably have a lot of corny jokes about Mavis Beacon or something. TBH, I don’t think she’s The One, but she has a chance of making it in the final four.
The Low-Key Soon-to-Be Frontrunners
Every season, the winner and/or runners-up tend to come out of nowhere. They suddenly get a lot more air time in the middle of the season and next thing you know you’re rooting for them to win because they have a *connection* (See: Jef, Catherine, Jade). These girls might be the ones to surprise us this year.
Samantha ⋅ 26 ⋅ Attorney
There’s something super chill about Samantha that makes me think she’ll stick around for the long haul, and perhaps Ben sees it too. Or maybe it’s because she reminds me of a mashup of Jordan and Tara from Chris’ season.
Joelle (JoJo) ⋅ 25 ⋅ Real Estate Developer
JoJo is also someone with a chill vibe – basically I feel like I could hang with these girls except for the fact that I would feel super old and haggard around them. Anyways, JoJo seems normal and is there for *the right reasons*.
Jami ⋅ 23 ⋅ Bartender
IDK what it is guys, but Jami could guerrilla attack us and end up being the next Bachelorette. She’s gorgeous, and Ben hit it off with her in the limited minutes we saw them together, but I have high hopes for her.
Keep Them In Your Bracket For A While
Amanda ⋅ 25 ⋅ Esthetician
This mother of twins seems to be another fan favorite, and she also shares something in common with Chris Soules’ (ex) fiancee – their high voices.
Emily ⋅ 22 ⋅ Twin
Good for TV, y’all.
Hailey ⋅ 22 ⋅ Twin
Good for TV, y’all.
Jubilee ⋅ 24 ⋅ War Veteran
Listen, Jubilee sounds like a badass I don’t want to mess with, so if Ben is smart, he shouldn’t cast her off so soon either.
Amber ⋅ 30 ⋅ Bartender
I don’t want to say I dislike Amber, but all I’m saying is I don’t feel anything for her when I watch her on the show. I don’t love her, I don’t hate her, I don’t anything her. But looks like Ben does.
Jennifer ⋅ 25 ⋅ Small Business Owner
Jennifer also didn’t get a lot of screen time last night, which either means she’s leaving soon or she’s staying for a bit. I can’t even remember why I wrote her down as not leaving anytime soon, so here we are.
The Shit Stirrers/Kukoo Banana Pants
This should be self explanatory.
Olivia ⋅ 23 ⋅ News Anchor
She may have gotten the first impression rose, but I had a feeling she had crazy eyes before the crazy seemingly came out in the promo for the rest of the season. Also, she said, “I’m really humble”, which is a thing actual humble people don’t say.
Mandi ⋅ 28 ⋅ Dentist
Bitch came in with a giant rose on her head and proceeded to examine his incisors.
Lace ⋅ 25 ⋅ Real Estate Agent
The token wasted girl on the first night. If you watched it, you already know.
#YouTried
Honey sweetie you made it this far but your journey ends here (or in an early episode). Take a moment and say your goodbyes.
Sushanna ⋅ 27 ⋅ Mathematician
Her entrance was all in Russian (?). Brilliant move by the show’s editors: only show her speaking not English for the rest of the episode. Homegirl is from Utah.
Jackie ⋅ 23⋅ Gerontologist
She had a cute little game with Ben on the first night, but her luck might run out soon enough.
Lauren (LB) ⋅ 23⋅ Fashion Buyer
Honestly, I think no one even calls her “LB”, but there was already a Lauren B., so she had to pull a Lauren Conrad instead.
Lauren H ⋅ 25⋅ Kindergarten Teacher
No matter how many times I look at her, I still don’t remember her.
Rachel ⋅ 23 ⋅ Unemployed
Sidenote: EVERYONE IS SO YOUNG. I GET BEN IS 26 BUT THESE ARE BABIES.
Leah ⋅ 25 ⋅ Event Planner
But seriously, she looks like the captain of her high school cheerleading team.
Special shoutout to Tiara the “Chicken Enthusiast”, who got cut the first night. At least we got to see this:
June 14th, 2000 – the day The Real World: New Orleans premiered on MTV. It’s been 15 years since we were introduced to the true story of seven strangers – David, Melissa, Kelley, Jamie, Danny, Matt and Julie – and found out what happened when they stopped being polite and started getting real.
Turns out that story became one of the most memorable seasons of the groundbreaking reality show, and my personal favorite. I was the kid who watched too much TV when I was younger – not only a lot of it, but probably stuff that was out of my demographic. The first season of The Real World I watched was season four, in London, like, in real time. It was 1995 and I was nine years old. By 2000, I was a seasoned vet of TRW, and the New Orleans cast/show spoke to me on a deep level. It probably had a lot to do with Melissa, but we’ll get to that in a bit.
When I moved from Boston to LA about six years ago, my two friends and I stopped in New Orleans on our road trip, and I had to put the Belfort Mansion on the To Do list. The house is a huge two-story 19th century Greek revival mansion in the Garden District, and when producers found it, owners were in the process of turning it from apartments to a single-family house. This is what it looked like during filming: After the cast moved out, it took about four and a half years to turn it into the single-fam residence, and that’s what it is today. This is what it looked like in 2009 when we creepily stood outside and took pix of ourselves in front of it:
The color is more beige in person, and the “Belfort” sign on the door is gone. So now that you know what the mansion is up to these days, let’s take a look at what the Real 7 at 7 are up to today.
David Broom
Then: A student from Chicago who had a 4.0 GPA, didn’t drink or smoke, as working out was his vice. He was known as a ladies man and aspiring musician, as evidenced by his classic hit, Come On Be My Baby Tonight.
Now: David now goes by the name, Tokyo Niyeli, a nickname given to him by his friends because of his love for Japanese anime. He lives in Chicago and continues to do some work with MTV, but he’s also a YouTube personality, thanks to yet another moniker, Chef Showtime. He’s combined his love of cooking and music into one by creating videos of original tunes with recipes of his favorite foods, like this apple pie. It’s actually annoyingly catchy, just like Come On Be My Baby Tonight, which I still think about and sing outloud to this day.
Melissa Howard
Then: Originally from Tampa, Florida, Melissa was known for bringing comic relief to the house, and is possibly the funniest person to have ever been featured on TRW. She liked to paint, was often the center of attention, and butted heads with David. Often.
Now: Melissa moved to Los Angeles after TWR to be a stand-up comedian, and when she was a guest on The Late Show with Craig Kilborn, she straight up asked for a job, and ended up working as a PA on The Jamie Foxx Show. Later, she became a cast member of Oxygen’s prank show Girls Behaving Badly, and later appeared on Bravo’s Battle of the Network Reality Stars. In 2007, she married Glassjaw rocker Justin Beck, and converted to Judaism. They live in Long Island, and they have two daughters – Shalom, 6, and Maja, 2. She is an excellent writer and her pieces can be found on her personal Tumblr here.
Kelley Limp
Then: A sorority girl from Arkansas who was steadily dating a medical student called Peter throughout her time in the house. She became BFFs with gay friend Danny, and had an aspiring career in broadcast journalism.
Now: After the show, she was a caterer and event planner, and eventually moved into being a life coach. Scored big time after marrying actor Scott ‘Dimples’ Wolf in 2004. They live in Los Angeles with their three really super cute kids.
Jamie Murray
Then: A web entrepreneur from Illinois who had that haircut all the cute boys had in the 2000s. Melissa had a crush on him, but he always brushed it off.
Now: Jamie is still in Chicago and works for Internet company Pauwow.com, which apparently is ” easiest and most conclusive way to poll your friends on Facebook.”
Danny Roberts
Then: Gorgeous, southern boy from Atlanta, who is close to his mother, but not so much with his father. He’s BFF with Kelley, and was secretly dating Paul, an officer in the military, whose face had to be blurred out to protect his identity thanks to the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Policy. Four years after TRW, he and Paul appeared in an MTV special in which Paul revealed his identity.
Now: Still gorgeous and still based in Atlanta. He scored a few acting jobs, including a season four cameo as a ‘French’ guy in Dawson’s Creek, and toured schools talking about diversity in sexuality, coming out, and public policy, particularly Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. He jumped from career to career, working at a corporate non-profit foundation, to working as a recruiter for real estate website Redfin, and now he works as a talent scout at MailChimp (Yes, that MailChimp). In 2013, he married someone he became friends with in college, and reconnected with after TRW. He also goes by Jason Danny Roberts, his real name, now.
Matt Smith
Then: Despite looking like a ska/punk rocker with crazy shirts, the Georgia Tech web design student was a devout Catholic who was a big hip-hop fanatic. Julie had a crush on Matt, but he treated her more like her protective brother.
Now: Matt is the founder/CEO of smithHOUSE, a Phoenix-based design focusing on mobile, web, social media, and branding. He is happily married with four daughters who are really super cute. You can keep up with him via his blog, on which he still calls himself a ‘hip-hop mogul’.
Julie Stoffer
Then: The Mormon girl from BYU. Because of the school’s strict policies, she was constantly worried about her living with men on the show, which goes against the school honor code. She was the ‘innocent’ one and arguably learned a lot from being in the ‘real world’ the most out of all her castmates. She flirted with Matt a lot, but alas, he’s just not that into you.
Now: After appearing in a Real World/Road Rules Challenge or two, and co-hosted G4’s video game-centred show, Electric Playground. She ended up transferring to University of Connecticut, and in 2004, she married Spencer Rogers, an ophthalmologist. His work has taken them across the country, where they lived in Northern California, and currently live in San Luis Obispo, along with their daughter Evelyn and son Westley. Oh, she also changed her name to Juliet.
BONUS:
Some of my fave moments from the show, all happen to feature Melissa. She’s said in an interview that after she saw Ruthie on TRW: Hawaii, a fellow ‘brown girl’, she thought she had a shot of being on the show too. For me, it was one of the first times I had seen a young Filipino girl/woman on TV, and I found her fascinating. Her impressions of her mother, Mercy, was so familiar to me because I knew her. I knew Mercy in real life, not necessarily in my own mother, but parts of her, her friends and relatives. Melissa’s humor was also something I related to, because that is also my default quality. So, here it is, maybe my favorite moment from the season, and all of TRW (that I’ve seen). There are so many things to love about this, the kertanging, the friend playing the computer, Jamie and Kelley listening to David, but the best is Melissa’s comedic commentary.
If you had a baby in 2014, enjoy! In 13 short years you will be the parent of a surly teenager. Surly teenagers hate many things, but their own name usually tops the list. That’s why last year we examined the top baby names of 2013, and why your kid will hate them in 2016. It doesn’t matter how restrained or normal the name was, how well-planned or creative — sometime in the next few decades you may have to answer to your child’s wrath. It’s not your fault.
Last week the Social Security Administration released the 2014 baby name rankings – the official list of every name given to more than 5 children in 2014. Since the top 10 names are mostly the same as they were last year, this year we’re looking at the fastest-rising names. Now, many of these were not highly ranked at all, given to maybe a few hundred kids, but what’s unusual is how quickly they skyrocketed. All the more reason for your children to hate them. We’re anticipating some of the kids’ arguments, but don’t worry if you’re the real parent of an Aranza or Bode: I don’t think any of these names are really terrible.
Aranza is a telenovela name, a form of Arantxa (your daughter thanks you for not choosing Arantxa). Basically any name that pegs the mother as someone who watches a lot of soaps can be sort of embarrassing. Just ask all those 20-somethings named Kendall and Lucky.
It’s sort of simultaneously beautiful, yet also sounds like the name of an evil cartoon spider. Teenaged Aranza will latch onto the latter opinion.
Daleyza
Awww. Who WOULDN’T want a kid like little Daleyza?
Again, 13-year-olds are the worst: any name, however pretty, with the syllable “lay” in it will be the victim of dozens of dirty jokes.
A child will figure out that it sounds like “the laser” or “the lazy” and make even more jokes. None of them will be good or funny, because again, middle school.
People are stupid, so by 2027 little Daleyza will be tired of explaining that it’s not Da-LIE-za or Da-LEEZ-a.
If you think soap opera names will make your kids roll their eyes in 13 years (don’t worry, moms and dads, most things will make them roll their eyes in 13 years): try reality TV names. So it is with Daleyza, from mun2 reality show Larrymania. Fortunately, little Daleyza will have plenty of classmates with names like Khloe and Bethenny to keep her company.
Everly Brothers: charming, old-school 1950s musicians, or hokey as hell? Tween Everly thinks hokey (don’t worry, she’ll come around).
Everly kind of sounds like a weird adverb. That’s not really a bad thing, just an observation. They lived everly after. I’ll mow the lawn wheneverly. She’ll have this name foreverly.
Montserrat
Montserrat has it all: it’s not new or made-up. It’s a place name, and it has religious significance. And all of that will be lost on a 13-year-old.
The taunting starts early, with the nickname “monster rat.” Unfortunately, it comes from her preschool teacher’s failed attempt to pronounce the name on the first day (hint: it is pronounced exactly like the letters in the name look. Put the accent on the last syllable. Done).
Having a name that means “mountain” will not feel awesome when lil Montse hits that junior high growth spurt and feels like she’s towering over everyone.
At age 13, Montserrat is old enough to order those fluffy Starbucks drinks, but too young to find it hilarious when her name is misspelled.
Elsa
You’ve loved the name Elsa since you were a little girl, and just your luck, Disney releases a movie with a heroine named Elsa right when you’re getting ready to have kids. I named a character Elsa in a book I wrote in third grade — I get it. [Other characters: Charlotte, Lillian, Lucy, Eleanor. Man, was I ever tapped into the popular baby names of 2015 back in 1995).
“Let it goooo, let it GOOO!” If you think you’re sick of this now, imagine how tired little Elsa will be by, oh, third grade or so.
Sharing a name with a Disney princess has a ton of cultural cache in Kindergarten; less so in seventh grade.
Also, stupid children’s jokes: “Do you have a sister named Anna?” “It’s cold in here, right” [pointed stare at Elsa.]
Boys
Gannon
If you’re scratching your head about what a “gannon” is, you probably don’t watch Teen Mom. Me either. It sounds name-ish, and it’s a short name that ends in -n, a pattern that is all over the boy name charts. But don’t worry, your teen will still hate it in 2027 because:
TEEN MOM. First of all. You can swear to him that that’s not where you got it, but he won’t believe you.
ZELDA. Not just Zelda, but the bad guy from Zelda. And if any name from Zelda is trendy, why not Zelda? That’s actually cool.
You may be well-versed in up-and-coming names, but the receptionist at your pediatrician’s office or elementary school definitely isn’t. “Gannon Smith.” “CANNON?” “Gannon.” “No, but like, Dannon?” “Gannon.” “Gander.” “Gannon.” “Shannon.” It’s a new name, but it sounds sort of like a bunch of other names and words.
Karter
Well, somebody’s been taking a page from Kris Jenner’s guide to baby naming. And your baby doesn’t care now, but he’ll care in middle school – not because you’re a bad parent, but because the human brain is beset by obnoxious little demons from ages 11-14 or so.
Everyone’s just going to spell it Carter, then you’ll have to say “Carter with a K.” Which isn’t that big a hassle, but what’s the point?
And when Kris Jenner has that baby boy at the age of 63 after a few seasons of flagging ratings on E! – thank you, science – Karter is really going to hate sharing his name with baby Karter Kardashian. Yes, Kris is going to legally change her surname to Kardashian in 2020 or so to keep it “on-brand.”
Bode
People assuming that either he – or you – smokes a whole lot of weed. It’s like the name version of having one of those heavy, woven Mexican blankets in your trunk. See also: Kai.
The name will constantly get mispronounced as “bode,” unless you pronounce it that way, in which case it will constantly get mispronounced as “bodie.” You’ll try to explain to his teachers that the accent is on the “e” — from which point, his name will be pronounced “boe-DAY.”
Seems like it stands out, but his karate class will have a Brodie and a Bodhi … oops.
Also, I almost wrote “karate klass.” THANKS KARTER.
Royal
You wouldn’t think that people would remember the Lorde song “Royals” well enough to sing it at him in 2027. But they do, because by then our nostalgia cycle is moving faster than ever and we’re all really pining for 2013.
By 2027, baby Royal has also internalized thirteen years of your mother-in-law tut-tutting “I don’t know why you had to go and name him ROYAL” every time she visits.
The nickname Roy. Just, you know, in general.
Axl
The worst fear of any parent naming their child “Axl”: he will grow up to be a music snob. There’s only so many times he can hear “Oh, like Axl Rose?” before he snaps.
He also won’t love how, thanks to Axl Rose, his camp nickname was “Rosie.”
Unlike the Scandinavian classic Axel, people will think that they’re supposed to smoosh the consonants together.
Bottom line: all of the girls’ names are appealing enough that I can see why parents’ will choose them. Your kids aren’t any more likely to hate them than if they were named Sophia or Mary. Which still makes your kids pretty likely to hate them, because kids are the worst. And the best. Congrats on your 2014 baby!
THE NEXT SEASON OF GBBO IS NOT GOING TO BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU TWO (OR MARY). I DON’T KNOW HOW WE SURVIVED WITHOUT YOUR PUNS AND CHEEKY INNUENDO ON TV ALL THESE YEARS IN AMERICA.
Cookies + Sangria 
