It’s Monday, so that means it’s time for another installment of Questions, Comments, and Concerns! Just kidding. There’s been no real precedence for this. Our last QCC was posted on a Thursday. But because it’s Monday, you already are over work, so spend some time reading this overview of yet another Lifetime movie featuring a random C List star.

Disclaimer: I only watched this because Scott Patterson, aka #LukeDanesDreamMan is in it. He was on an episode of the Gilmore Guys podcast and plugged it during his interview, so I decided to check it out. And by check it out, I mean, write a post for the blog (two months later). I know nothing about it except the description in Time Warner:

16-year-old girl, Hannah Anderson, is kidnapped in a San Diego suburb by a family friend, and her mother and brother are killed. A media frenzy occurs when she is rescued and questions arise about whether Hannah played a part in the murders.

Intrigued? Saw the movie and want to delve into a deep discussion about it? Don’t really care about the movie, but really care about Luke Danes as a questionable suspect in a kidnapping case? Then let’s get this started.

Question: Is Scott Patterson playing a really warped alternate universe version of Luke?

The first scene shows what seems to be police marching through a forest on the hunt for someone, then it cuts to Scott/Luke at a camp site struggling to start a fire. Luke would know how to start a fire. Therein lies the difference. Unless he’s the kidnapper. In which case there’s a huge difference.

Concern: Scott/Luke plays Jim, Uncle to Hannah, supposed kidnapper.

I don’t think I’m going to like this. It’s going to mar my vision of #LukeDanesDreamMan

Comment: The press is hounding her and her dad at their home.

Like almost following her into their house just to get a statement. This is San Diego, not Stars Hollow, why are they attacking her with such ferocity?

Comment: “Let’s check your inbox”

WHAT KIND OF INBOX IS THIS??
Also, why is she responding to all these comments online? It’s 2015, you have to realize that this is going to be out in the press. Might as well let all those reporters inside, it’s the same thing.

Question: So Uncle Jim isn’t her actual uncle?

He might be a family friend who was obsessed with her and wanted to start a life with this TEENAGER. Hannah says he threatened to murder her if she didn’t go with him.

Comment: HANNAH IS AN IDIOT.

Her online chat made the news. They’re suggesting she had an inapprops relationship with Uncle Jim. They’re calling her the “Lakeside Lolita” (she’s from Lakeside, California)

Question: Are they setting Hannah up to be an aspiring (for lack of a better term) “Fame-whore” who killed her fam to be popular?

The press is hounding Hannah and her dad at her mom and brother’s funeral. Like barged into the church. Her BFF Cassie hands here something that looks like a Starbucks Frappucino to help her de-stress. She spots her younger bro’s teammates (like 9 year old boys in jerseys) and asks to take a selfie, because she’s going to post on Instagram later to “remember him”. This conversation:

Cassie: Look, you’re famous!
Hannah: They love talking about me, that’s all.
Cassie: Maybe you’ll get movie offers.

Concern: The agent covering the murder case seems creepy to me, and held their hug a little too long.

Comment: Uncle Jim’s full name is James DiMaggio (Jim DiMaggio baseball great).

Because she can point to a girl posting Instagram pictures, doing online chats, and say you’re being flippant about this… You gotta knock it off with the selfies, I already warned you about all that stuff! – Hannah’s Dad

Comment: Hannah is pushing her dad to do The Today Show interview to talk about her story, and the interviewer is Susie Castillo, former MTV VJ.

 

Question: I have a few.

There’s a flashback to a few months before her mom and brother’s death, with all three of them hanging out with Uncle Jim DiMaggio at a cookout in their backyard. First of all, how does Uncle Jim DiMaggio know the fam, since Hannah said she’s known him all her life? Second, did he have a secret affair with the mom. Third, he and Hannah have been making weird eyes at each other and IT IS SO UNCOMFY.

Concern: Uncle Jim DiMaggio wants to take Hannah on a trip (by themselves) to LA. Questionable.

Comment: Fame. Whore.

Hannah: This (Walk of Fame star) is gonna be mine some day.
Uncle Jim DiMaggio: You want that kind of attention, huh?
Hannah: Are you kidding, who wouldn’t want to be famous?

Also, they clearly just guerrilla shot this on Hollywood Boulevard because the people around them (tourists) are blatantly taking pictures of them as they walk down the street. This fan paparazzi isn’t canon for this particular story.

Concern: I’M ABOUT TO VOMIT

Hannah and Uncle Jim DiMaggio are having lunch in LA, and he awkwardly places his hand on top of hers before she slowly pulls it away. Hehe weirdly gets jealous when she’s texting her maybe friend Dylan. Then he starts mumbling something about “I was just thinking…if you were older… if we were the same age…” and says, “I have a crush on you… like a family thing like I care about you.”

Concern: Uncle Jim DiMaggio texts like … well exactly how you’d expect an adult to text

Question: Why does Uncle Jim DiMaggio’s house look like a murderer’s cabin in the middle of the woods even though they live in San Diego?

Uncle Jim DiMaggio picked Hannah up, expecting to meet her mom and brother, and he takes her to his home, which turns out to be the only creepy log cabin in SD.

Comment: If an older man brings you to his creepy Cabin in the Woods and he asks you to fetch him a beer before explaining where your family is, something is wrong.

Hannah realizes something is up and attempts to run away but he grabs her and yells, ‘Shut up or I’ll kill you’ then is all like, “JK. Here, put this handcuff on and attach it to the chair and I’m gonna tie your feet together, but everything’s fine.” She should be freaking out more.

He also explains that he his job and didn’t want to leave San Diego, basically because of Hannah. He suggests that they run away and start a new life together, then pulls out a gun and is about to play Russian Roulette with it. I cannot.

Concern: She agrees to go away with him and she says she’s about to vomit – ME TOO – so he gives her like a date rape drug.

Question: Scott is playing him so creepy, am I ever going to look at him the same way again? PROBABLY NOT WHY DID I DECIDE TO WATCH THIS

Comment: HOLY CRAP HE JUST SHOT A DOG. AND THEN BEAT THE MOM AND BROTHER WITH A TIRE IRON. THEN BURNED THE HOUSE DOWN.

Comment: An Amber Alert is sent out looking for Uncle Jim DiMaggio with Hannah and Ethan (her bro) and there’s an unnecessary montage of randos getting the Amber Alert in the middle of the night.

What it doesn’t show you is that those fuckers make you have a heart attack, and don’t simply blink the flashlight with a faint beeping sound. ‘Fun’ fact: the screenshot above is the actual Amber Alert sent out from Hannah’s kidnapping, and was one of the first of those horrific iPhone alerts ever sent out. Which explains why when I searched ‘Amber alert iPhone’, IRL Hannah Anderson articles came up.

Question: Exactly what type of drug did Uncle Jim DiMaggio give Hannah because it seems she’s like still knocked out

Question: Like has she gone to the bathroom yet?

Uncle Jim DiMaggio and Hannah are now in Idaho and it’s been three days since he’s kidnapped her. Most of the time she’s been sleeping. Also, he makes Hannah carry two 50 pound backpacks while they’re hiking through the Idaho forest, and she trips and does something to her leg and Uncle Jim DiMaggio immed runs to help her. I’m so confused with their ‘relationship’. And later, while he’s peeing on the camp fire, she steals his gun and threatens to kill him but ultimately doesn’t and he knees her in the stomach. Pick a lane.

Concern: Four horseback riders to the possible rescue

They come across Uncle Jim DiMaggio and Hannah and one of the horseback riders is super suspish. The next day, the riders purposely find the unlikely duo, since one of them is a Sheriff and knew something was up and are like, 90% sure Hannah is the kidnapped girl in the news. They question Hannah but she brushes off their concern (such as, why are you wearing the same pajamas two days in a row for hiking?) by saying it was her idea, so the riders leave them alone. AKA they go to the police.

Concern: Uncle Jim DiMaggio gets drunk

Later that night, he gets so close to Hannah that I think he’s about to rape her but then he starts snoring. Thank God.

Comment: When in doubt, start a fire, I guess

A helicopter flies overhead and Uncle Jim DiMaggio’s initial reaction is to start a fire to ‘look normal’ that’s what you do to get someone to save you. Hello?

Question: Does this girl look like Lucy Hale as Aria Montgomery to anyone else?

Comment: PS – Uncle Jim DiMaggio dies

They show it in the beginning, but the police eventually track them down at the campsite and surround them. Jim tries to fend them off, but a sniper shoots him and kills Uncle Jim DiMaggio.

Question: What is this song?

There’s an end montage of Hannah going back to real life with her dad, and there’s a song being played that’s akin to the Run Like Mad song used to replace I Don’t Wanna Wait on the Dawson’s Creek DVDs. Except more ballad-y. I haven’t been able to find the song online, so I’m thinking it was especially made for the movie. And it is a gem. Some choice lyrics:

I’m standing up, I’m speaking out / Let everybody hear

So I’m gathering my courage / Gonna let my feelings show

The darkest day gets left behind /If you choose to let them go

Its’ never really over /So I take it day to day

With courage and belief I take it all head on / But it’s hard to face it tough to come to grips with what goes on

Still I’m brave enough to look and see / What everybody sees

And deep inside I know they’re never gonna get the best of me

I’m strong enough to carry on / I’m brave enough to grow

I’m strong enough to face it all when I know my heart is true

On the road that leads me home

Comment: Not a fame whore

Despite various Internet theories, Hannah didn’t kill her family to get famous. She is still going strong and and wants to be a firefighter.

Related articles

• Celebri-beefs 2013: Open (letter) Season
• Midsummer: World’s Most Pin-able, Tumbl-able, Instagrammable Holiday
• Bottoms Up: Our Favorite TV Baristas