Things I’m Willing To Believe About Lincoln Chafee

Like most people watching the Democratic Debate this week, I went into it with no clue who Lincoln Chafee is. And also like most people watching the Democratic Debate this week, I left it with no clue who Lincoln Chafee is. I will have to do some more homework on Chafee if he’s still around by the New York primaries, but until then I’d rather replace research with wild speculation. As in, none of the below is true – just baseless speculation that popped into my head as I watched the debate. We usually reserve this format for heartthrobs like Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tom Brady, but hey, politicians are superstars, too. Kind of.

None of the following is the truth about Lincoln Chafee, but I am entirely willing to believe that:

  • Lincoln Chafee is the artist’s model for an animatronic pilgrim figure in Plimoth Colony.
  • Speaking of which, Lincoln Chafee’s ancestors came over on the Mayflower.
  • All of his ancestors.
  • In some parts, legend has it that Lincoln Chafee was roused from a 200-year slumber to find himself on the debate stage.
  • Lincoln Chafee sleeps in proper pajamas. Flannel in the winter, cotton in the summer, changed out in May and October irrespective of temperature.
  • Lincoln Chafee does not consider any animal under 40 pounds a “dog,” unless it’s a beagle.
  • Lincoln Chafee is the designated reader of The Night Before Christmas in his family. It’s amazing, but I swear he can make his eyes twinkle on cue.
  • Lincoln Chafee once visited a living history museum, took a liking to it, and moved in.
  • Nobody caught him for 3 months.
  • Lincoln Chafee is not Mormon, but does consider coffee a “strong drink.”
  • On a summer’s night, Lincoln Chafee sometimes sits on the porch, pulls out his banjo, and plays Turkey In The Straw to sooth his ruffled soul.
  • Lincoln Chafee can whittle.
  • He changed his name from Buchanan Chafee after years of schoolyard taunts that Buchanan was “not even a good president.”
  • He plays a solid game of jacks, and is known for his mastery of the elusive “eightsies.”
  • When Lincoln Chafee threw out his back, he proclaimed that “Father Time is catching up with me at last.” But he looked over his shoulder as he said it, as though he really did worry that Father Time was catching up with him at last.
  • When Lincoln Chafee has a picnic, his basket is lined with gingham.
  • When Lincoln Chafee gets ticked, he’s been known to tell people to “go fly a kite.”
  • He once got very riled and called an opponent a “scoundrel and a rapscallion,” and has felt sorry for it ever since.
  • Chafee’s wife ordered Anne Geddes checks, and she has explained it to him 1,000 times, but he still is confused by the “damn baby on it” every time.
  • Lincoln Chafee winds down with a glass of warm milk at night.
  • His pet peeve: productions that transpose Shakesepeare’s plays to other locations. A Midsummer Night’s Dream set after-hours at a theme park? Romeo and Juliet on the border of Israel and Palestine? No and thank you.
  • Lincoln Chafee has a grandson named Logan and a granddaughter named Skyler. He refers to them as Roy and Betty because those are “real names.”
  • Lincoln scored tickets to Hamilton,. After curtain call he was seen shaking his head in confusion and dismay. “Not how it was, not a’tall,” he was heard to say.
  • Lincoln Chafee gently chides his son-in-law for his “fantastical lawnmower.”
  • It is a gas lawn mower.
  • Will tell anyone who will listen about this “God-awful modern church” he went to one time.
  • It was Methodist.
  • Chafee’s hairdresser calls his haircut “the regular” to his face, but “the circus man” behind his back (after an iconic Little House On The Prairie guest star:

  • Parted his hair to the side once. Didn’t care for it.