Things I’m Willing To Believe About Tom Brady

If you’ve come here looking for actual facts about Tom Brady, keep looking. I have to make up Tom Brady in my mind, based on the 2 or 3 actual things I know about him and the way his face is. I have to do this because I’m not a huge fan of football in general (Dillon Panthers/Lions aside), and the Patriots in particular. Still, as Brady prepares for his sixth Super Bowl appearance on Sunday, it’s time to talk Tom Brady.

As you know, I have baseless concepts of certain celebrities. I am willing to believe that Ben Affleck is a Boston bro-mensch, and I am willing to believe that Leonardo DiCaprio is a totally rad 90s teen armed with a Nerf Super-Soaker and a bottle of Sunny D. As for Tom Brady? I am willing to believe that he’s apple-cheeked and squeaky clean, even though I realize that most professional athletes aren’t that way. Basically, I picture the 2015, adult man version of an impish little boy from the 1950s. Which means I’m willing to believe the following:

Tom Brady’s childhood photos are being used as the mold for the first male American Girl doll.
His face is also the inspiration for the little boy on a can of organic oatmeal sold somewhere clean and wholesome. Like Finland.
I mean I think this is a WPA ad but you get the gist.
When you ask Tom Brady how he takes his coffee, he answers “oh, just some raw sugar and milk that comes in a glass bottle. That I get delivered. From a farm.”

Just kidding he doesn’t consume “hard drinks.”

While we’re on morning foods, whenever Tom Brady eats cereal he plates it like one of those “well-balanced breakfast”s of 90s TV ads, complete with fruit, orange juice, eggs and toast.
Tom Brady does puzzles for fun.

And play dominoes.

Tom Brady literally laughs out loud at Peanuts comics
This part breaks his heart every time.
In the corner of Brady’s bedroom, there’s a basket of socks. They’re waiting to go back to his mother to darn.

On the whole, he really stores a LOT of his stuff in baskets.
Like puppies.

Speaking of which, sometimes he bikes to the grocery store and returns with a baguette and a bouquet of flowers in his bicycle basket, like somebody buying groceries in the “after” segment of a Cymbalta commercial.

How does Tom Brady warm up his throwing arm? Why, playing fetch with shelter dogs, of course. And they’re all somehow, like, beagles and golden retrievers.
He didn’t even KNOW this dog. It just gravitated toward him.
When he tries to go to bed early before a big game, sometimes his wife catches him reading chapter books under the covers with a flashlight.

If you’re a lady walking somewhere with Tom Brady, he WILL walk on the curb side.

Tom loves meeting up with really old guys, like super old, and just talking about their lives.

You might have thought it was unusual – though not necessarily bad – that Tom Brady’s daughter is named Vivian Lake. But it’s because, in Tom’s words, “I named the most beautiful girl in the world after the most beautiful place in the world.” Lake Vivian was the pond at Brady’s beloved summer camp.

That was after he was shot down for wanting to “name the most beautiful girl in the world after the most beautiful girl in the world” – not his wife Giselle Bundchen, but his sixth-grade crush, Stacey Marie.

Tom Brady rides children’s scooters while wearing a newsboy cap.

I’m willing to believe that because it’s true:
On the off season, Brady likes to have a “Sunday evening wind-down.” Which involves brownie sundaes and reruns of Little House on the Hallmark Channel.

And the only time – the ONLY time – that he has used the word “bitch” was in reference to Nellie Olsen.

The only Rated R movies Tom Brady is interested in are Westerns.

You know how nobody throws pizza parties any more? Well, Tom Brady throws Pizza Parties. And the two-liters are always ice cold.
BELIEVE IT.
Remember how once in a great, great while your elementary school would have a “surprise pizza party?” Every couple weeks Brady funds one of those (anonymously, of course).