The Twitter Gift That Keeps On Covfefe

gavinThe internet can be a very scary place. And then it can be the greatest thing to ever exist. Exhibit A:

Last night, or rather around midnight Washington, D.C., time, Donald “I have the best words” Trump tweeted “Despite the constant negative press covfefe”. Assuming he meant to type “press coverage”, one would think autocorrect would’ve stopped him from sending out a typo. Or that he would notice immediately after sending it out that he spelled it wrong. Or that one of his staffers would notice it and tell him to take it down. Or that it’s not even a complete sentence. Any of the above. But nope. It stayed up for hours. To give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he’s just really exhausted and stressed out and gaining weight and can’t think straight. But on the other hand, it could be the bots. Maybe HE is a bot.

A tweet that’s immediately deleted is enough to launch a million response tweets. But the fact that he left it up for SO LONG sent Twitter into a frenzy. And thank GOD. It was like livetweeting an awards show but 10 times funnier. And since Spicey is probably just going to defend DT and somehow make “sense” of it all, let’s just bathe in the comedic aspect of it all because why not, we’re all going to die anyways. Here are just some of our fave responses to what has been described as the most “yes and” exercise ever.

*UPDATE* DT TAKES TWEET DOWN 6 HOURS LATER, MAKES A “JOKE” ABOUT IT.

BONUS: SPICEY DID EXACTLY WHAT WE THOUGHT AND MADE AN EXCUSE FOR HIS BOSS. I REALLY HOPE THAT’S APRIL RYAN YELLING, “WHAT IS COVFEFE?!??”

*******

a v specific comedy tweet:

Claiming Covfefe as a thing before anyone else:

DT has made politicians into comedians:

and Rogue NASA:

and tv shows being shady:

y’all work too quick:

give this social media manager a raise:

this type of joke is the kind that makes me laugh then when i stop laughing, i pause and then laugh again because it’s so dumb and ridiculous it’s so funny that i cry

my exact feelings on this whole kerfuffle:

And a friendly reminder before you go:

Podcast You Should Be Listening To: Pod Save America

Four former Obama staffers walk into a podcast recording studio. Then Donald Trump wins the presidential election. That’s it. That’s the joke.

We live in an era in which podcasting is in a golden age – ever since Serial, it seems like the cool thing to do now is either start a podcast (LOL I HAVE ONE LISTEN TO IT PLS) or have a never ending queue of podcasts you listen to on the regular. Today, I’m sharing one of my favorite pods that get top priority in my app – here’s the DL on literal chart topper Pod Save America.

What’s It All About

A no-bullshit conversation about politics. This is a podcast for people not yet ready to give up or go insane.

If you’re a person who is frustrated with the way this current administration is handling the state of our nation, this podcast is for you. Twice a week, these White House alums discuss U.S. politics through a progressive, liberal lens, so if you have a problem with that, this podcast is probably not for you.

The Hosts

Jon Favreau (no, not that one) is the lead host/moderator of the pod. He was the Director of Speechwriting during President Obama’s first term, and worked for Barry dating back to his days in the Senate. Unrelatedly, he dated Rashida Jones back in the day, and that’s how I first heard of him. The hot Obama speechwriter who once dated Rashida Jones.

Jon Lovett also worked alongside Favreau as a speechwriter during the Obama era, and prior to that, wrote for John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. After he left the White House, he pursued a career as a screenwriter, and together with Josh Gad and Jason Winer, they created and wrote short-lived sitcom 1600 Penn, which was truly the best show you weren’t watching and got cancelled way before it should have been. He also wrote and served as an advisor on The Newsroom, and just kicked off his own spin-off podcast, Lovett or Leave It.

Tommy Vietor worked with Obama since the Senate, and in the White House, Tommy was his spokesperson, as well as the spokesperson for the U.S. National Security Council. Like Lovett, he also has a spin-off pod called Pod Save the World, which focuses on global issues and policymaking decisions.

Dan Pfeiffer was a Senior Advisor to Obama for Strategy and Communications, rounding out this fraternity of Obama bros. Dan also worked on Gore’s presidential campaign, as well as various senators throughout the years.

They’re Not N00bs

Pod Save America is actually the result of the foursome’s very successful podcast, Keepin’ it 1600, which focused on the 2016 presidential election. It was praised as one of the best podcasts of 2016, and garnered a huge fan following. Because of their success, Favs, Lovett and Tommy started their own podcast network, Crooked Media, and Pod Save America became the first podcast under their new network. Needless to say, they’re not amateur podcasters.

And They’re Not Political N00bs, Either

Because these guys have had years of experience in Washington, it’s not like they’re randos who are just giving their POVs on the week’s current events after only having read one article on Vox.com. The know their shit. In fact, it’s what makes their podcast a bit better than the rest. They’re experts who are giving us insider information on how an administration worked, how it should work, and what the current one is doing “wrong”. As someone who follows politics, but not enough to know all the intricacies of it, it’s extremely informative, but not condescending or pretentious. They’re also funny, so don’t expect a straight up news podcast, either.

The Guests Are No Joke

Keepin’ It 1600 had been on my queue for months, but I just never got around to it. So when Barack Obama sat down for his final interview as president with these guys, I obviously had to tune in. BTW, that ep is a good starting point if you need a gateway drug! Every episode features a special guest in the second half (after the hosts talk about the overall current events in the first half), and every single person so far has been impressive and knowledgeable in their area of expertise. For example, when DT first laid down a whole bunch of Executive Orders (like the travel ban), former White House lawyer Danielle Gray came on the pod to discuss the legalities of his EOs, while Obama’s former Deputy Chief of Staff and Health Care Czar Nancy-Ann DeParle discussed Trumpcare. Other guests include former chief strategist David Axelrod, another chief speechwriter, Cody Keenan, and A Closer Look’s Seth Meyers.

They Promote Activism

Sure you can listen to the podcast and feel like you’re helping to fight the cause. And you are, just by learning about what’s happening in the WH shitshow, but obviously there’s more work to be done. The hosts of the pod make it a point to share resources and encourage listeners to be active in politics and local government, whether it be which Congressman/woman to call for the Issue of the Week, or when to attend town halls to give your reps a piece of your mind. They have a list of resources on their website but you should probably just listen to the pod to get all the details.

Listen to new episodes of Pod Save America every Monday and Thursday [subscribe here]

 

Spring Memes Make Me Feel Fine: Obamacare vs. Trumpcare

On Monday, Republicans revealed their plans to replace the Affordable Care Act, aka Obamacare, with a pile of papers called the American Health Care Act, aka Trumpcare. There are a number of controversial changes in the new act, including defunding Planned Parenthood, a complicated tax credit system, and a plan to roll back the expansion of Medicaid in three years’ time. The draft bill basically takes health coverage away from many Americans, most whom are low-income care recipients, while rich Americans would benefit.

In keeping tradition with this administration since November 8th, the draft bill is trash, and people against the AHCA obviously took to the internet to express their opposition, in the form of a Obamacare vs. Trumpcare meme that is making its rounds on the world wide web. Here are just a few faves to warm your resistance spirit.

Is that Bort?

#PinterestFail

That piece will never not be funny

TBH, didn’t even know there was another Mean Girls

Johnny Depp is always a downgrade

Unbreakable

He’ll be back (to take your health care away)

True Detective Season 3: Barack and Joe?

But if we’re talking IRL, OG Aunt Viv is definitely the crazier one.

Is that Jessica Walter??

I can’t stop laughing at this

BARRY.

Perhaps the most accurate one of them all:

Things I’m Willing To Believe About 2016

WOW. That was bad. 2016 was a really incredibly awful year. And it’s not over, either. Here are some totally fake – yet plausible- facts we’re willing to believe about 2016, along with a reminder that we still have over a week left in this dumpster fire of a year so any one of these might come true. See ya later, 2016. You’ve been terrible. We are now willing to believe the following:

9 out of 10 times a person has been taken to a bleak, dismal future Christmas by a Christmas Eve Ghost, it has been to 2016.

A new Texas regulation provides that you must throw annual birthday parties for your aborted fetus until it would have been 18 years old, complete with tiny party hats.*

Taylor Swift attempted to bring the three children from This Is Us into her squad but Mandy Moore and Milo Ventimiglia shot that idea down real quick (TSwift then secretly tried to hit on Milo but to no avail).

Someone you know who really didn’t deserve to see Hamilton saw it before you.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau took part in a hottest politicians who are also boxers calendar (for charity). He’s Mr. October.

Most popular Spotify playlist of 2016: Songs For When You Realize Every Human Is Pure Trash But Ran Out Of Alcohol And It’s 11pm And Can’t Get Tequila Delivered

Cool Pope Francis announced an initiative to upgrade all Catholic churches to stadium seating by 2025. This move gained acclaim from short Catholics who just want to see the damn pageant. Vatican spokesperson Monsignor Vincent Deeney clarified, “we’re still weird about, you know, gay stuff and women stuff.”

Olympic figure skater and eternal meme Ashley Wagner helped Team North America win the gold medal at the inaugural 2016 KOSÉ Team Challenge Cup, but hit headlines with teammate Gracie Gold after they partied a little too hard after all-night partying in Spokane, Washington. They made a pit stop at a local Taco Bell, where they claimed they were harassed by a group of teenage girls who were eager to pick a fight with them in the parking lot. Ashley immediately took to Snapchat to tell her followers what happened, but many fans noted she looked very inebriated when ranting and threatening to press charges over the girls’ alleged actions. The story made its way to mainstream media, and she had to clarify to the press the next day that she made the entire story up and was so drunk she didn’t even remember posting to Snapchat. Or going to Taco Bell (where there was video surveillance of her and Gracie doing their routine in the parking lot and talking to a wall). Ashley later competed in Worst Cook In America: Celebrity Edition.*

When asked how to explain rising sea levels and melting polar ice caps if not by global climate change, oil chaplain Pastor Eddie Vaughn replied “easy, y’all are making God cry.”

Little known fact: the person who started the creepy clown trend is the grandson on Bozo the Clown.

Banking on the success of Fuller House, Amazon Prime has ordered a full season of Family Matterings. It features an adult Laura, her husband Keith Mattering, and their children dealing with the nerdy kid next door whose dad is – you guessed it – Stefan Urquell (who never managed to change back to Steve Urkel). Test audience reactions included feedback like “not technically good,” “I can’t stop watching even though I want to,” and “needs more winking into the camera.”

Nationwide, iris recognition identification has been failing at alarming rates. Biometric engineer Freidrich Martens has determined that the algorithm doesn’t account for the “gleam of sadness,” “overall loss of hope” or “diminishing light” in many Americans’ eyes.

The mom from the Waltons died on Easter.* , *

With Thanksgiving occurring only weeks after the most contentious election in recent memory, hospitals faced a 90% spike in injuries from “aggressive wishbone pulls.” Dr. Jake Richmond of the Cleveland Clinic reflected, “it’s almost like these fights weren’t really about the wishbone at all.”

According to a recent poll, 87% of Trump voters believe that Hillary Clinton’s house has a dungeon where crisis actors live preparing to stage 5-10 mass shootings a year.*, *

The number of 2016 celebrity deaths is so high that Academy Awards and Grammy producers are considering putting the In Memorium in a separate broadcast so the show doesn’t run over.

Internet OTP Zalfie aka Zoe Sugg and Alfie Deyes aka Zoella and Pointless Blog optioned the rights to their YouTube channels to the Pop Network, and now they’re working on a pilot for a scripted series about two vloggers who fall in love. TBD on if they’re also starring in it.

One of your college friends who never cared a ton about Prince or David Bowie wrote a long, navel-gazing reflection on the death of Prince or David Bowie.

Dove Cameron accidentally revealed the identity of her new boyfriend on her Insta story after taking a selfie in the mirror, where she had a photobooth pic up of her kissing her new man.

A reboot of one of your favorite shows completely excised the soul of the show. It was a shell of its former self. (Does not apply to Gilmore Girls. At least we had that.)

A young journalist from Northern Virginia has earned upwards of a quarter-million dollars in YouLogy, a database where celebrities can access, vet and fact-check the pre-written obituaries major news outlets have on file for them. The company expects to go public by the end of 2017.

The Onion has completely given up on its entire M.O. after the high percentage rate of its fake headlines started becoming real. Now they’re more hard hitting than The New York Times.

“Julie Andrews alive please” and “Bill Murray not dead RIGHT” were both trending autocomplete searches.

After the election, someone told you one of the following statements:

  • The sun will still rise tomorrow.
  • We’ve been through worse than this.
  • I don’t understand why people are protesting.
  • We need to wait and see what happens before we get upset.
  • Everybody is overreacting.

… and he was a white, straight Christian man.

16% of Trump supporters only voted for him because they’re really big The Apprentice fans. *

Speaking of which, DT announced he’s recruited George Ross, one of his two boardroom advisors on The Apprentice, as the ambassador to Genovia.

A group of magicians in Walla Walla, Washington decided to do their respective tricks when filming the mannequin challenge, but it went awry when someone’s fire caught on to the extra-long handkerchief chain hanging from the sleeve of the illusionist next to him. He luckily only walked away with burnt pride, but it was all caught on camera.

The cast of the OG Scream movie celebrated its 20th anniversary by holding a “house party at Stu’s” for die hard fans of the film. There was even a photo booth where you could fake your death in a garage door.

Trump just found out he’s been in cahoots with a robot Vladimir Putin like on Westworld for all these years.

In August, the Prep School Pussy-Grabber made headlines when he went to trial for kidnapping housecats across his  Connecticut neighborhood; at least 36 cats have yet to be recovered, but it doesn’t look great for them. Judge Wallace Wenthill released the Ivy League-bound teen without punishment because “those cats should have stayed indoors” and also “he was an Ivy League-bound teen.”

The bad news is your company went to a mega-high deductible health insurance plan; the good news is you met it because you had a bunch of weird health stuff.

World Book Encyclopedia, which still exists, is locked in a heated debate regarding the featured image for its article on the year 2016. Top contenders are the Arthur fist meme, a dumpster fire, and a rat eating a cockroach as a predatory pigeon swoops down on the both of them.

White House photographers caught a picture of Donald Trump’s list of ideal cabinet picks when he visited President Obama. Items included “Ivanka in a wig, nobody will know” and “an immigrant who hates himself.”

 

Autumn Memes Make Me Feel Fine: The Jobama Bromance

It’s been a week since the World Turned Upside Down™, and if you’re still kind of in a funk, I’m guessing you need as much levity as possible. Thankfully, the Internet never lets us down. I mean it does sometimes, but in cases like this, it doesn’t.

We’re continuing our series of seasonal memes with a Last Term Obama special. Most of us have been living in a nightmare since last Tuesday night, and no one knows it better than Barack Obama himself – the man who has to turn the keys over to a guy who is putting the White back in White House, if you know what I mean. When Barry gave his first speech after the results came him, he stood in the rose garden with his Right Hand Man™ by his side. At one point, good ol’ Joe did the sign of the cross, because that’s what you do when T**mp becomes leader of the free world. Meme makers took note and realized there are a lot more cute moments between Barack and Joe, and decided to take it next level by making them into a meme, specifically aimed at Joe’s disdain towards the president elect.

Here are some of our favorites, and hopefully it can put a smile on your face for a little while! #JobamaForever

 

 

BONUS:

 

Playlist of the Month: Revolution Starts Monday

We are sad, afraid, and angry. We do not feel like this because the presidential candidate we supported lost. We feel like this because hate won. Very soon, though, we need to get to work. The president-elect’s campaign promises, actions (mocking a reporter with disabilities, using racist language about immigrant groups, intimidating a rape accuser who has live witnesses to his rape of her as a 13 year old child… please do not make us list it all), and now, 100-day plan show that our fellow Americans are in danger of losing their hard-won rights and basic safety. Already, hate crimes are occurring nationwide because hatred has been given a voice. We believe that love and goodness can win, but now we have to fight for it. We’ll take a little time to regroup this week, but the revolution’s imminent.

My Shot (Rise Up Remix) – The Roots feat. Busta Rhymes, Joell Ortiz & Nate Ruess

We could have made it through 2016 without Lin-Manuel Miranda, but it would have been much, much worse. We already loved the original My Shot for capturing both the revolutionary spirit of colonial America and of the present day. The new remix, released on the Hamilton Mixtape, takes it to 2016 and the present-day oppression of communities of color.

Fight Song (Democratic National Convention cover) – Rachel Platten

I never liked this song until this version premiered during the Democratic National Convention and reduced me to tears. It was a hopeful moment as we looked forward to the triumph of reason over reactionism, experience over showmanship, and for the love of all things holy, finally a woman in the position of Commander in Chief. It takes on a new meaning now, doesn’t it?

Alright by Kendrick Lamar

Alright became the unofficial anthem last summer when Black Lives Matter activists took the streets, and it was the perfect song – a track touching upon the unbearable pain and struggle while facing adversity in a seemingly hopeless situation. But the message was clear – we gon’ be alright.

Immigrants (We Get The Job Done) by K’naan, Snow Tha Product, Riz MC, Residente

Racism and immigration were at the center of the election over the past year, thanks to an outrageous comment said on the same day He announced his candidacy: that Mexicans are rapists who bring drugs into the country. Blah blah, wall, blah blah. Around the same time, Hamilton was a hit Off-Broadway and preparing to make its move to the Richard Rodgers where it continues to live. In Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down), Alexander Hamilton and Marquis de Lafayette high five after saying the line, “Immigrants: we get the job done”. Word on the street (and IRL when we saw Hamilton) is that very single performance, this line gets an individual cheer. Because we all know it’s true and immigrants are the foundation of this country.

So what was brilliant for Lin-Manuel and co. for the Hamilton Mixtape was to take that line and turn it into its own track. Not only that, but features artists who themselves are immigrants or align with more than one country/nationality. K’naan, a Somali Canadian poet and rapper, kicks off the track by saying “I got 1 job, 2 jobs, 3 when I need them/I got 5 roommates in this one studio but I never really see them”, letting y’all know they weren’t going to sugarcoat the truth in the song. Interspersed with lyrics from Yorktown, Snow Tha Product, a female Mexican American rapper, comes in adding, “there ain’t a paper trail when you living in the shadows/We’re Americas ghost writers the credit is only borrowed.” That’s followed by Riz MC aka Riz Ahmed, a British Pakastani (who you might know from The Night Of), who spits, “Who these fugees what did they do for me but contribute new dreams”.

The last verse belongs to Puerto Rican rapper Residente, who’s 1/2 of of Calle 13 and whole halves (?) of Lin-Manuel – they’re cousins. He’s known for not holding back when it comes to his political beliefs in his music, and this is no different. In fact, his entire verse is in Spanish, as if they’re letting us know that the we’re entering an era that isn’t just dominated by one culture or race anymore – it’s diverse AF. Speaking to the Latinos in particular, he says, “We are like plants that grow without water/Without an American Passport/Because half of gringolandia is really Mexican terrain.”

Cold War by Janelle Monae

There is work for everybody now – for teachers and lawyers and journalists and parents and many others – and artists are a big part of the change we’ll need. Janelle has always beautifully put words and music to the struggles that millions of Americans are facing. We’re going to need her for these next four years. This is a cold war, you better know what you’re fighting for.

Formation by Beyonce

Beyonce’s Lemonade era kicked off with the release of Formation, an unapologetic black power and female anthem that had even people from middle America singing “I like my baby hair with baby hair and afros/I like my negro nose with Jackson Five nostrils”. But her message is also one of believing that she (and her fans) can do anything they set their mind to, even if there are people trying to take her down or suppress her voice.  “I dream it, I work hard, I grind ’til I own it/I twirl on them haters”

Soy Yo – Bomba Estereo

This went semi-viral earlier this year because of the adorable little girl in the video, but the message to keep singing, dancing and being yourself even if others don’t like it is one we need right now. Other thing we need right now: Spanish, lots of it, everywhere, because now we have a president-elect who says things like “bad hombres” (AND pronounces it “hambres.” So maybe he just hates angry dudes? But nah.)

Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down) by the cast of Hamilton

The phrase “the world turned upside down” kept popping up in my head when it became clear what the election results were, because it felt like everything I thought I knew was wrong and everything I feared would come true did, like we were in an alternate universe. I was obviously in the Denial step of the five stages of grieving. But this song – in the historical context – it tells the events that happened during the Battle of Yorktown, the last major battle of the Revolutionary War. A. Ham went (A.) Ham on the British, forcing them to surrender. But the number itself includes a multitude of inspirational lines that are ever more relevant today (and some I already mentioned before). We have Hamilton: “so the American experiment begins” and all his “My Shot” reprisals, in the anger and focus in spy on the inside Hercules Mulligan: “See, that’s what happens when you up against the ruffians/We in the shit now, somebody gotta shovel it!/Hercules Mulligan, I need no introduction/When you knock me down I get the fuck back up again!”, and in this exchange we must remember to this day:

Laurens: Black and white soldiers wonder alike if this really means freedom

Washington: Not. Yet

The Day Women Took Over by Common

A lot of us had hoped we were voting for the first female president on Tuesday, but just because she didn’t land the title of president-elect, it doesn’t mean she’s the last one to run for the high office. In Common’s track, off his new album Black America Again, he pictures a world where peace and unity truly exist on the sole fact that women are in charge. And I hope this hypothetical world isn’t as far off as it seems.

Here Are Some Resources About Crying And What Else To Do Next

Good morning from the dystopian hellscape we all live in.

If you think that’s a little dramatic, consider this: seriously, guys, we live in a dystopian hellscape.

I will not deliver a pat message that the good in America will prevail, that we all need to go forward with love and kindness and create the world we want. We do, but there is very real danger to very real humans right now and it is right to have space for anger, fear and sadness.

Black Americans woke up to a president-elect who is endorsed by the KKK. Immigrants woke up to a president-elect who has vowed to round up and deport them. Muslims woke up to a president-elect who has equated them with lawless terrorists, even those who gave their lives to serve our country. The LGBT community woke up to a president-elect who cares so little for them that his vice president supports conversion therapy, which contorts a person’s inborn inclination to love – the most pure of all human impulses –  into self-hatred and shame. Women woke up to a president-elect who bragged about sexually assaulting women and called victims of sexual assault liars if they do come forward and liars if they do not, and to a vice-president who believes that he, instead of you, knows whether you should carry a pregnancy to term. And all of us woke up to the realization that a substantial number of our fellow Americans condone these beliefs. I love you all and I am so sorry.

What do we do now?

Get angry, cry, complain and talk to like-minded people. Explain to your kids, in age-appropriate terms, what has happened. Don’t scare them, rather explain that hatred feeds on fear. When we see exactly what actions are taken against people of color, immigrants, Muslims, LGBT people and women, we will come up with our plans and we will act. Remember that all of the best and bravest people were on our side of history.

If you want one productive, incredibly important action you can take right now, I urge you to contact your senator and demand the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland. This is not mere politics. There is a long precedent and a constitutional imperative that the Senate confirm appropriate nominees:  “[the president] shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Judges of the supreme Court…”. The Constitution is ours as much as it is theirs. Already, the vacant Supreme Court seat has resulted in delays and miscarriages of justice. In the near future, the Supreme Court will hear cases regarding voting rights, due process rights for suspects, the right to access abortion, disability rights, corporate personhood and immigration. Several of our sitting justices are elderly and likely to die or retire within the next four years. New justices will be appointed and despite what I said in my last sentence, those people NEVER DIE. They are like popes. Not like our last pope who decided to retire and we all thought it was kind of weird, but all of our other popes. Trump and Pence have already pledged to appoint justices who will overturn Roe v. Wade. This is one seat we can influence. We are all worried about the executive and legislative branches, but remember the American balance of power and the influence of the judiciary on the laws of our country. Please, if you can, write or call your Senator and remind them of their obligation to confirm an appropriate nominee. If you have a liberal Senator, urge him or her to take a leadership role in pushing for confirmation.

This morning, though, I’m still at the crying phase. I’m also at the “I slept two hours and am trying to do my job, which really goes to my question of why and how our country doesn’t think that a woman should be in charge” phase, so I don’t have time to write more. I’m leaving you with some of our best crying resources. Not to brag, but we’re sort of great at crying in that we do it A LOT and know all the tricks. If you’re new to crying in public or trying to find a location to cry on the go, we got your back. We love you, America. Not the racist, Islamophobic, xenophobic, sexist, heterosexist part of America, at least not today, but we love all the rest of you.

 

Drop The Mic: Obama’s Best Nerd Prom Jokes

Over the weekend, President Obama gave his very last White House Correspondents’ Dinner speech, and he ended it with the best way possible.

Republican or Democrat, I think most of us can agree that he is one of the only presidents with enviable comedic timing. With each of his WHCD speeches, he proved that he can tell a joke and tell it well, and often better than the chosen comedian to speak after him. I looked forward to his Nerd Prom roasts every year, but since we won’t be blessed with his comedy (at least in the White House setting) anymore, at least we have eight speeches to look back on if we ever need a good laugh in the future. Here are some of his best jokes from President Obama’s WHCD speeches over the years.

2016

“While in England, I did have lunch with the Queen, took in a performance of Shakespeare, hit the links with David Cameron. Just in case anybody is still debating whether I’m black enough, I think that settles the debate.”

To Bernie Sanders in the audience: “I’m disappointed you’re distancing yourself from me. That’s just not something you do to your comrade.”

“Last week, Prince George showed up to a meeting in his bathrobe. That was a slap in the face. A clear breach of protocol.”

“I don’t want to spend too much time on the Donald. Following your lead, I want to show some restraint. Because from the start, I think he’s received the right amount of coverage, fitting the seriousness of his campaign. I hope you’re all proud of yourselves. The guy wanted to give his hotel business a boost, and now we’re praying that Cleveland makes it through July.”

2015

On Jeb Bush mistakenly marking “Hispanic” on a form: “Look, it’s an honest mistake – reminds me of when I identified myself as American back in 1961.”

“Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend a gay or lesbian wedding of one of his friends or loved ones, to which gay people responded, ‘That’s not going to be a problem.'”

“And Donald Trump is here. Still.”

“Hillary  kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone, Martin O’Malley went completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley campaign event.”

“Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic. You should try one. Oh, you have?”

Everything about Keegan-Michael Key as Obama’s “Anger Translator”. Barack will not break. It is amazing.

2014

Everything about the cold open with Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer with Joe Biden

“In 2008 my slogan was, ‘Yes we can,’ in 2013, my slogan was Control, Alt, Delete.”

“Let’s face it, Fox, you’ll miss me when I’m gone. It’ll be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.”

“How well does ObamaCare have to work before people don’t want to repeal it. What if everyone’s cholesterol drops to 120? What if your yearly check up came with tickets to a Clippers game? Not the old Don Sterling Clippers, the new Oprah Clippers! Would that be good enough? What if it gave Mitch McConnell a pulse?”

“I did notice, Sasha needed a speaker at Career Day. She invited Bill Clinton. I was a little hurt by that.”

“Republicans continue to refuse to extend unemployment insurance. You know what, I am beginning to think that they’ve got a point. If you want to get paid while not working, you should have to run for Congress just like everybody else.”

“These days, the House Republicans give John Boehner a harder time than me, which means that orange really is the new black.”

2013

After DJ Khaled’s All I Do is Win plays as Obama walks to the podium. “How do you like my new entrance music? Rush Limbaugh warned you about this – second term, baby… My advisers were a little worried about the new rap entrance music. They are a little more traditional. They suggested that I should start with jokes at my own expense. Just take myself down a peg. I was like, guys after four and a half years how many pegs are there left?”

“Now, look, I get it. These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be. Time passes. You get a little gray.”

“I know republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012. One thing they all agree on is that they need to do a better job reach out to minorities. Call me self centered, but I can think of one minority they can start with. *raises hand* Think of me as a trial run. See how it goes.

“Some folks still don’t think I spend enough time with Congress. ‘Why don’t you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?’ they ask. Really? Why don’t you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?”

“I remember when BuzzFeed was just something I did in college around 2 a.m.”

That time Beyonce & Jay went to Cuba pre Obama easing Cuban/U.S. relations: “Maybe I have lost a step, but some things are beyond my control. For example this whole controversy about Jay Z going to Cuba. It’s unbelievable. I’ve got 99 problems and now Jay Z is one of them.”

“One senator who has reached across the aisle recently is Marco Rubio. But I don’t know about 2016 – I mean the guy hasn’t even finished a single term in the senate and he thinks he’s ready to be president.”

2012

“I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight.”

“(WHCD host) Jimmy (Kimmel) got his start years ago on ‘The Man Show.’ In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.”

“In my first term, we passed health care reform. In my second term, I guess I’ll pass it again.”… In my first term, I sang Al Green; in my second term, I’m going with Young Jeezy. I sing that to her (Michelle) sometimes.”

“Four years ago I was locked in a primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Now she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena.”

2011

“What a week. As some of you heard the state of Hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate. Hopefully, this puts all doubts to rest. But just in case they’re any lingering questions, tonight I’m prepared to go a step further. Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video. *see birth video here* I want to make clear to the Fox News table that was a joke. That was not my real birth video. That was a children’s cartoon. Call Disney if you don’t believe me, they have the original long-form version.”

Obama drags Trump STILL: “Now, I know that he’s taken some flak lately but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac? All kidding aside, we all know about your credentials, and your breadth of experience. For example, on a recent episode of Celebrity Apprentice, at the steakhouse, the men’s cooking team did not impress the men from Omaha Steaks. There was lots of blame to go around, but you, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership. Ultimately, you didn’t blame Lil Jon or Meatloaf, you fired Gary Busey. These are the kinds of decisions that keep me up at night. Well handled, sir! Well handled.”

The President’s Speech trailer (Michelle: Hey, look Sam, there’s a carrot!)

Bonus joke from host Seth Meyers (the best one, TBH): “Trump has said he’s got a great relationship with ‘the blacks.’ Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I bet he’s mistaken.”

ANOTHER BONUS: This was also the year (night) Barry had secretly ordered Osama Bin Laden to be killed, read more about it here

2010

Remember Jay Leno? “The only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight. It is Jay.”

“You might have heard we passed a health care bill and some Republicans have suggested that the bill contains a few secret provisions. That’s ridiculous. There aren’t a few secret provisions in the health care plan - there are, like, hundreds.”

“I wasn’t sure that I should actually come tonight. Biden talked me into it. He leaned over and he said, ‘Mr. President this is no ordinary dinner. This is a big fucking meal.” JIC you forgot what that was in reference to.

2009

“I had an entire speech prepared for this wonderful occasion. Now that we’re here I want to try something different. I’m gonna speak from the heart. I’m gonna speak off the cuff. *telepromopter stands rise* Good evening. Pause for laughter.” (lit’rally his first ever lines from the WHCD)

“Mother’s Day is a tough holiday for Rahm Emmanuel, because he’s not used to saying the word “Day” after “Mother”… That’s true.”

“All our jokes tonight are brought to you by Goldman Sachs. They make money whether you laugh or not.”

“All this change hasn’t been easy. Change never is. So I’ve cut the tension by bringing a new friend to the White House. He’s warm, he’s cuddly, loyal, enthusiastic. You just have to keep him on a tight leash. Every once in a while he goes charging off in the wrong direction and gets himself into trouble. But enough about Joe Biden.”

“In the next hundred days, our bipartisan outreach will be so successful that even John Boehner will consider becoming a Democrat. After all, we have a lot in common. He is a person of color. Although not a color that appears in the natural world. What’s up, John?”

ICYMI: A Trudeaumance For The Ages

This week, the Canadian Prime Minister and his wife Sophie Gregoire Trudeau descended upon Washington, D.C., making us all wish we could have a candidate like him in the 2016 election. And not just because they became the best Couple Friends the Obamas have had in a long time.

Michelle + Sophie = FLomance Goals

The Canadians have taken over the White House and boy are Americans happy about it. Yesterday, the (fairly) newly elected Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his wife Sophie Grégoire Trudeau arrived in Washington, D.C., marking the first official visit by a Canadian leader to the U.S. in nearly two decades. Canada and the U.S. have always had a friendly alliance, and that was clearly on display when PM Trudeau and President Obama got together on Thursday. The Internet immediately noticed the budding #bromance between JT and Barry, and soon people were pitching buddy cop comedies and podcasts of them bantering back and forth about which country is better (that was me. I did that).

And while I admit I’d love to see these two become besties and take over the world together, I’d be remiss to glaze over the other romance that’s happening in the Beltway right now – the glory that is power couple Michelle and Sophie. Mophie? Sochelle? Sochelle. Either way – #FLomanceGoals (First Lady).

While the boys were busy talking climate change and international trade and other world leader topics, the women got together at an event for Let Girls Learn, an initiative which promotes girls education. Before speaking to a select group of young ladies from across the country, Michelle said this of her new BFF Sophie:

“(Sophie) is like, my soul mate right now. We’re already gotten into trouble. We’re gonna be in a lot of trouble before this visit is over. In addition to being beautiful and funny, she’s got a great sense of humor – she was cracking me up back there.” {x}


So, who even is this guy Sophie’s married to? Get a primer on Sophie’s hubs as he continues to take over your heart.

We Need To Talk Trudeau

This week, our neighbours to the north welcomed a new era of government, when Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party was sworn in as prime minister of Canada. And although his election marked the end of nearly a decade of conservatives ruling the country, it also marked a huge generational shift, as JT, at 43 years old, is the second youngest prime minister in Canada’s history.

One of the major results of this is that for the first time ever, the cabinet is comprised of an equal number of men and women. With 15 men and 15 women, the ministers, mostly under the age of 50, represent a huge range of people, including two aboriginal members, three Sikh politicians, two atheists, a blind woman, a paralympic in a wheelchair… couldn’t make this up if I tried. This is great news for Canadians since there’s actually some semblance of what the population of the country looks like representing them in the government.

So when JT was asked why it was so important to him to have a cabinet that is gender balanced, it seemed like a no-brainer answer:

Basically every Canadian and the rest of the world once his answer/this GIF went viral:

My knowledge of JT’s existence only goes back to October when he was officially elected Prime Minister and I saw a pic of him legit clapped (outloud, to no one) to congratulate Canada as a whole. After his Drop The Mic moment on Wednesday’s swearing in ceremony, I needed to know more about him, and you do too. My fellow Americans (and rando other international friends), here is a primer to Prime Minister Trudeau.

Following in His Father’s Footsteps

JT was born when his father, Pierre Trudeau, was serving as the 15th Prime Minister of Canada as part of the Liberal Party. Considered one of the greatest PMs of the country, Pierre was praised not only for his policies and effective reform throughout his 15 years in office, but for his charm and good looks. When he first was elected in 1968, Pierre helped reinvigorate the Liberal Party and Canadian government in general thanks to his youthfulness and breath of fresh air quality he brought to politics, and the term “Trudeaumania” even became a thing.

JT started getting involved in politics in the 2000s shortly after his father died, and of course he drew comparisons to his father, sparking Trudeaumania 2.0. The younger Trudeau holds similar political views and a similar spirit – see Exhibit A: Pierre doing pirouettes behind the Queen’s back at Buckingham Palace during a G7 Summit:

Exhibit B: Justin Trudeau dancing with his wife, Sophie, after being elected the new leader of the Liberal Party. A GIF that was posted on TWITTER that he described as GETTING THEIR GROOVE ON.

Justin is also the first child of a PM to become the head of government in Canada. Think of him as the George W. as opposed to the Jeb!.

I Believe The Children Are Our Future

Growing up, Justin actually shied away from politics, and graduated with two degrees – one in literature and the other in education. He attended McGill University then the University of British Columbia, where he earned a degree in education. He became a teacher, educating Canada’s youth in French and math. I’m betting he was that teacher the girls secretly drew doodles about in their notebooks.

Beat This Acting, Reagan

It’s no Bedtime for Bonzo, but in 2007, JT starred in a two-part miniseries called The Great War, which detailed Canada’s participation in World War I. JT played Talbot Mercer Papineau, a Major who was killed during the Battle of Passchendaele in 1917. Also, he was a puppy lover.

Mama Said Knock You Out

In 2012, JT showed off his athletic skills (and I guess his upper body as well) in a charity boxing match. He had difficulty finding an opponent until Conservative Senator Patrick Brazeau – that dude on the right – stepped up to the challenge. JT won in the third round and it was considered a major upset. Guess intimidation didn’t work on Justin.

Just Like A Tattoo, I’ll Always Have You

Speaking of shirts off, JT is believed to be the only global leader in modern times to have a tattoo. And his is obviously not a small white ink infinity sign on his pinky finger. No, JT has a huge tatt on his upper left arm, featuring the Earth inside a raven from the Haida tribe, the indigenous ethnic group the Trudeau family are honorary members of.

QT First Family

JT is married to Canadian TV host Sophie Gregoire, and together they have three kids,  Xavier James, 8, Ella-Grace Margaret, 6,  and Hadrien, 1. Why is the entire Trudeau family in their backyard swimming pool, you ask? Who knows? Who Cares! They’re adorable!

Prime Minister Goals

*fist bump*

 

Frank Underwood v. Donald Trump: A War of Words

Like many others, I spent my weekend watching the new season of House of Cards. However, I’m trying to take my time with it and I’m only three episodes into the new season (**no spoilers please!!**). However, after watching the third episode, bells started ringing in my head and I looked into the non-existant camera to break the fourth wall and share my inner monologue.

In the third ep, President Frank Underwood is in the middle of his re-election campaign, and on the day of the primary in his home state of South Carolina, the billboard which usually welcomes visitors into his hometown was taken over by a giant photo showing his father posing with a member of the KKK. And this all happened the day after he gave a rousing speech at a predominantly black church.

Underwood comes forward with the truth – or a version of the truth. He admits the photo is indeed real, but the story he tells explaining it (his dad was basically forced to take the pic to secure a loan to save the family farm) may or may not be the truth.

And of course my mind wandered to politics IRL, where we’re in the middle of our own presidential primaries and it turns out that people are voting for Donald Trump. It feels like we’re in a fictionalized version of America, but instead, we’re living in a real, non-fictional world where the frontrunner for the Republican party in the upcoming presidential election might possibly have ties with the KKK. You’ve probably heard by now, but in a nutshell, David Duke, former leader of the KKK, warned Americans that “voting against Donald Trump at this point is really treason to your heritage.” During an interview with CNN, Trump was asked whether he would condemn Duke and all white supremacists who plan on voting for him, to which Trump sideswiped the question and insisted he “doesn’t know anything about David Duke.” Apparently he forgot about all the time he did know something about David Duke. Since then, Trump has covered his tracks by insisting he “disavows” Duke, but hasn’t really elaborated on it.

The other interesting tie-in to HoC is that Trump’s father, Fred Trump (you know, the one who loaned The Donald a “small, $1 million loan“), also has a history with the KKK. In 1927, he was arrested after a klan riot in Queens, where 1,000 Klansmen & sympathizers of the Italian fascist movement marched through the borough, eventually sparking a fight with anti-fascists in the neighborhood. Two men were killed and seven were arrested, one of those seven men was Fred Trump. It’s not clear what Fred was doing there, what side he was on (if any) or if he was just an innocent bystander. One report suggests Fred was arrested “on a charge of refusing to disperse from a parade when ordered to do so.” So was Donald’s father a KKK sympathizer, and/or Italian fascist sympathizer? We don’t know for sure. Here’s a couple of things we do know: A) Fred and his Trump organization were hit with a civil rights suit by the U.S. Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division in 1973, accusing Fred and his org of refusing to rent to black people. B) Donald recently retweeted a Mussolini on Twitter – after Gawker secretly set him up.

In an interview with Meet the Press, Donald admitted he wasn’t aware the quote he retweeted was by Mussolini, and frankly didn’t care that it was said by the world’s most popular fascist (despite critics pointing out that Donald’s politics and oratory are v. similar).

“It’s a very good quote. I didn’t know who said it, but what difference does it make if it was Mussolini or somebody else – it’s a very good quote.” When asked if he wanted to be associated with Mussolini, he said, “No. I want to be associated with interesting quotes. Hey, it got your attention, didn’t it?”

So let’s try this out. I’ve got compiled a bunch of “interesting quotes” and let’s see whether you can tell the difference between a fictional, depraved politician who lit’rally killed both humans and an animal on his way to become president or if the quote is attributed to the real businessman-turned-politician who is entertaining his way to the top (highlight the text between the two arrows for the answer. If you’re on mobile, highlight the text and press ‘speak’ for a real good time).

“Democracy is so overrated.”

Frank Underwood

“Part of being a winner is knowing when to walk away.”

⇒    Donald Trump    

“Good people don’t go into government.”

⇒    Donald Trump     

“I’ll tell you this though. When they bury me, it won’t be in my backyard. And when they pay their respects, they’ll have to wait in line.”

Frank Underwood 

 

“I play to people’s fantasies… That’s why a little hyperbole never hurts.”

⇒  Donald Trump   

“It’s always good to do things nice and complicated so that nobody can figure it out.”

⇒  Donald Trump   

“I will not be a placeholder president. I will win and I will leave a legacy.”

Frank Underwood 

“I’d push him down the stairs and light his broken body on fire just to watch it burn if it wouldn’t start a world war.”

Frank Underwood 

“The point is, you can never be too greedy.”

⇒  Donald Trump   

“My motto is: Always get even. When somebody screws you, screw them back in spades.”

⇒  Donald Trump   

“Nobody’s a boy scout. Not even boy scouts.”

Frank Underwood 

“The more economic difficulties increase, the more immigrations will be seen as a burden.”

⇒  Trick question this was said by Hitler