Hey gals! How’s it going? Anyone commute on public transit today? Me too! When I’m on a bus or train I enjoy avoiding eye contact, reading books, looking out the window so I get out at the right location, and wearing decoy headphones so that men don’t talk to me.
It doesn’t work very well!
When men interrupt my reading and music, my favorite responses are terse and monosyllabic. However, I get a bit more effusive and a lot more fake laugh-y when a man gets grouchy that I’m not paying attention to him. We laugh and we laugh! Oh, it’s a hoot. I do it because I’m scared, a little! I also enjoy pointing to my headphones and shrugging. Girls just want to have fun, am I right? When a bus man has proven himself particularly sketchy, I’ve even altered my commute time a bit so we don’t run into each other. Keeps me on my toes! Besides, experts say that changing your routine now and then helps prevent Alzheimers, right?
That was a joke. Women don’t get old. Gross!
But ladies, I have some bad news for you. WE’VE BEEN FOUND OUT. In a recent article, a pickup artist – or artiste, truly – has created a handy guide on talking to women who are wearing headphones. The jig is up. Men have learned that we can still speak when our ears are covered. It’s time to change tactics. Here are a few tips and tricks to live your best life while wearing headphones AND talking to a fella who demands to be acknowledged:
A million dating guides and networking seminars can’t be wrong: people love to talk, especially about themselves. All you really have to do when a man talks to you when you are wearing headphones is look at him, occasionally nod or make a listening-y facial expression, and keep your music on. This is also the best way to have someone fall in love with you according to The Little Mermaid, one of my top 5 Disney movies.
Sometimes if you are wearing headphones and not talking to men, they get scared that you could have died or fallen asleep by accident. You can let them know you’re okay by making a lot of eye contact with them. It would be nice to make your eyes look really big. Big eyes are prettier since they remind people of babies, the most attractive form of humans. This is according to science. If you have small eyes that’s fine, someone might still love you.
Most men notice when you’re wearing headphones and only talk to you if they know you or need directions, so maybe the others just don’t see the headphones. If so, emphatic gestures can help him understand. This is a silent, secret way to correct him so that he doesn’t get embarrassed! Some men hate humiliation the most out of everything, which is why you’re going to be emphatic but silent! Shhhh!
Here are some hot tips: point to your ears with both hands. Cover your ears then bop your head to and fro to the music like you’re in a Beatz By Dre commercial. Hold your fingertips to your ears and raise your eyebrows in alarm, inhaling sharply. Impishly press a finger to your lips in a “shush” gesture while tapping your electronic device. Wag a finger in a classic “no, no, no” sign then point to your headphones. Cross both arms in an X over your face. Really have fun with it!
Emphatic gestures a bit OTT for you? Try some simple body language! Raise your shoulders up towards your ears in a heavy cringe. Cross your arms over your chest. Let your head sink way down, raising your eyes in a Princess Diana pose. Curl up into full fetal position. Rock.
A man who doesn’t know what headphones are might have problems understanding things. So leave your headphones on, keep your music or podcast at your favorite volume, and loudly, slowly and clearly tell him “I am listening to my headphones.” If he persists, then loudly, slowly and clearly ask him if he needs help. Us gals love our Walkmen, but that’s no excuse to ignore a person in need!
If the man who is talking to you when you are wearing headphones still doesn’t understand, you could try one of the other languages you speak. American Sign Language might be nice to add to the mix.
If the man understands that you are listening to your headphones and he doesn’t need help, you can always keep the convo going – with your headphones still in your ears and with your loud, slow and clear speech projecting across your sidewalk or subway car. Other people might notice. They’ll think it’s great that you’re being so polite to a person who is bad at understanding things! I think you would be very inspirational to very many people!
Men are the most funny kind of people, which is why when you’re a little apprehensive around one you might laugh nervously. Then THEY know that YOU know how funny they are! It’s great for social situations (like commuting to work, or walking to the cafe on your lunch break, or waiting for new photo at the DMV)! So when a man talks to you when you are wearing your headphones, just laugh nervously and maybe they’ll like you better.
This might be a good time to take a new laugh for a test drive. How about a Southern Belle-style titter? A bawdy belly laugh like you’re in an old-time saloon with those swinging doors? A North Pole-ian ho-ho-ho? A witch’s cackle? The only limit is your imagination!
The man who is talking to you when you are wearing headphones might be bored because HE doesn’t have headphones. So why not share? You can crank your volume way up, or hand him an earbud. Start singing along with your whole heart and maybe he’ll follow suit! If you’re good at singing, try to sing a tiny bit less well than he does.