Golden Globes 2018 – Best Dressed

The 2018 Golden Globes were a little different, and so is our Best Dressed list. Actors used the night as a platform to say something about sexual abuse, harassment and structural inequality, so we’re going to highlight their opinions and accomplishments along with their gorgeous black ensembles. In her New York Times op-ed, Amber Tamblyn wrote:

We actresses are not just modeling clothing when we walk a red carpet on award show night. We are modeling a kind of behavior. We are speaking in a coded language to other women — even young girls — that says: The way I look and what I wear and how I wear it is the standard for women. What is being worn is not an exception. It is the rule. You must dress a certain way and look a certain way if you want to be valued as a woman, no matter what you do for a living or who you are. We never intend for this to be the message we are sending with what we wear, but often it is the perceived one, whether we like it or not.

Last night clothes were part of the message – but just one part. Here are a few of our favorites:

Tracee Ellis Ross

Serving this headwrap fiercness is Tracee Ellis Ross, an actress best known for her work in Girlfriends and Black-ish. She’s won six NAACP Image awards for acting and been nominated for Emmys twice. Her 2016 Emmy nomination for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series marked the first time an African-American woman had won in that category in 30 years. Last year, she won the Golden Globe for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series – making history as the first black woman in 34 years to win in the category. Tracee is wearing Marc Jacobs.

Michelle Williams

You probably know who Michelle Williams is. Dawson’s Creek kicked off her career, but since then, she’s become the most credited actor and has the accolades to prove it. Four Oscar nominations and one actual Golden Globe, Michelle simply transforms on screen. Her plus one at the Golden Globes last night was Tarana Burke, who started the #MeToo movement back in 2006.

“I thought I would have to raise my daughter to learn how to protect herself in a dangerous world, but I think the work that Tarana has done and the work that I’m learning how to do — we actually have the opportunity to hand our children a different world,” she said at the Globes. “I am honored beyond measure to be standing next to this woman. I have tears in my eyes and smile on my face.”

Susan Kelechi Watson

Susan is best known for her roles on Louie, NCIS, The Blacklist and of course, This Is Us. She has a BFA from Howard University and a Master of Fine Arts degree from NYU’s Tisch School graduate acting program. She also may or may not be Blue Ivy in the future. Susan is also the director of non-profit Drama Club, an organization that provides theatre programming to incarcerated and court-involved young people in New York City. She’s wearing Monsoori.

Mandy Moore

Mandy Moore is the multi-talented star who may hold different titles depending on your generation. If you were alive during the TRL era, you still don’t know who Mandy’s missing like Candy. If you were born during the TRL era, you either know her voice from Tangled or watch the hit NBC program This Is Us. Mandy has been active with philanthropy over the years, including Five & Alive, Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. She recently was a spokesperson for Dove’s self-esteem movement, aimed at introducing girls to real, admirable women to look up to. Mandy is wearing Rosie Assoulin.

 

Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel is an actress whose first big gig was in 7th Heaven as the oldest sister, Mary Camden. She was just a teen when she started in Hollywood, and went on to appear in films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Summer Catch, Valentine’s Day, and New Year’s Eve. Lately, she’s been producing more of her own projects, including The Sinner, which earned her her first Globe nomination for Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Film. She also spends a lot of time giving back to her local and global community – In 2010, Jessica teamed up with the UN Foundation to raise awareness of the global water crisis, and climbed to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro.  Jessica is in Dior.

Nicole Kidman 

Nicole Kidman is an actress and founder of the production company Blossom Films. She is an Academy Award winner and a five-time Golden Globe winner, and has found that producing films has “allowed me to shape my career in terms of being able to find things that I may not get offered, that I wouldn’t get the opportunity for.” Kidman is also a founding member of the powerhouse coalition, Times Up. In her acceptance speech for Best Actress In A Mini-Series Or TV Movie in Big Little Lies last night, Nicole said: “My mom was an advocate for the women’s movement growing up, and standing here, my achievements are her achievements. This character I played represents something at the center of our conversation right now: abuse. I hope we can elicit change . . . let’s keep the conversation alive.” Nicole is wearing Givenchy (fun fact: Givenchy was a favorite of Audrey Hepburn; both Hepburn and Kidman served as UN Goodwill Ambassadors).

Alison Brie

Alison Brie was nominated for a Golden Globe for work role in Glow, and currently appears in two nominated films: The Post and The Disaster Artist. She is also familiar to TV audiences for her role on Community. Alison did all of her own stunts for Glow, a series about female wrestlers in the 1980s. wrestling-based series. In 2017, Brie threw her support behind Planned Parenthood, saying “it’s a vital resource for women in this country. Women need and deserve the right to make their own decisions regarding their reproductive health.” Alison is wearing Vassilis Zoulias.

Claire Foy

Nominated for her role in The Crown last night, Claire Foy is a university-trained actress who is also known for another royal turn – Anne Boleyn in Wolf Hall. While filming her acclaimed role of Queen Elizabeth, Foy was also caring for her infant daughter. Of her hopes for her child, Claire said: “I wish there was a way of saying to girls: ‘You don’t have to be polite and pretty in order to survive and have people love you.’ The idea that you should be like everybody else genuinely breaks my heart. And I’m going to have to do something about it.” Claire is in Stella McCartney.

Viola Davis

One of the most-nominated actresses alive today, Viola Davis is the only black actress to have one an Oscar, an Emmy AND a Tony. The Juilliard-trained actress has, in fact, received so many nominations and awards that Wikipedia lists them separately from her main page. Davis is an ambassador for Hunger Is, an organization that combats child hunger; the organization has raised over $20 million for the cause. Last night Davis addressed victims of sexual assault and rape – actually saying the words – saying “it’s not their fault, and they’re not dirty. That’s my message tonight.” Viola is wearing Brandon Maxwell.

Natalie Portman

Harvard-educated actress Natalie Portman presented the award for Best Director last night, which she noted contained “all male nominees,” despite, for instance, Greta Gerwig’s direction of Best Picture – Musical or Comedy winner Lady Bird. Portman promotes anti-poverty causes and works as an ambassador for FINCA, an organization that provides micro-loans to women-owned businesses in developing countries. She also lead the Power Of A Girl campaign for Free The Children, challenging North American girls to raise money for a girls’ school in Kenya. Natalie is a founding member of Time’s Up, and attended the Golden Globes with fellow founder, actress and activist America Ferrera. Portman wore Dior Haute Couture.

 

Donate to the Time’s Up Legal Defense Fund on their GoFundMe page. Learn more about Time’s Up here.

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OK Ladies, Now Let’s Get In Formation: #WomensMarch Style

Over the weekend, millions of people from across the U.S. and around the world took to the streets to stand up for women’s rights, human rights, and resistance against a questionable administration. From Washington D.C. to our hometown of Rochester to Los Angeles to Sydney to Nairobi to London and Antarctica, there was an outpouring of dedication, passion and female empowerment. But what was impressive (besides the fact not ONE arrest was made ANYWHERE) were the signs that were being held up my women, men and children all over. The ranged from simple statements of facts to images that made you cry to straight up hilarious ones. Here are some of our favorites from the history-making #WomensMarch.

Very Good Dogs Against Trump

“Good boys against misogyny.” “Even I understand no means no”

“Putin’s poodle.”

“I march for my moms.” We Rate Dogs gave this Very Good Dog a coveted 13/10.

Arts Are Important

The fantastic Uzo Aduba: “What Meryl said.”

Also spotted: “Meryl is properly rated.”

Couldn’t be more accurate: “You’re so vain, you probably think this march is about you.”

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A Hamilton/Lin-Manuel Miranda selection: Rise Up!; #Immigrants: we get the job done! and Love is Love is Love is Love is Love.

So many people paid tribute to the badass Princess Leia and the even more phenomenal actress/advocate Carrie Fisher. “We are the resistance,” “A woman’s place is in the resistance,” and Princess Leia in the style of the Rosie The Riveter “We can do it.”

and now an iconic combo photo. carrie fisher AND hamilton.

Coffee Talk with Linda Richman: “Donald Trump’s blind trust is neither blind nor a trust. Discuss.”

Do the trolls even WATCH Game of Thrones? “If progressives are snowflakes then winter is coming.”

Because the scariest thing is ANTM-era Tyra being disappointed in you: ” None of us were rooting for you! How dare you!”

Some hard numbers for you: “CBS:Donald Trump approval rating: 32%. Rotten Tomatoes: Paul Blart – Maul Cop: 33%”

We knew Bey would be represented, but so was Jay: “I’ve got 99 problems and white heteronormative patriarchy is all of them.”

One of my favorites from today. #WomensMarchPhilly #arthistory #protestsign

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An awesome art reference: “Ceci n’est pas un president” in the style of the iconic Magritte pipe painting, The Treachery of Images.

Ian McKellen in London

Ian McKellen in London

Beloved feminist Ian McKellen needed no words – his poster was a picture of Spock face-palming.

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We take orders from Beyonce, not that orange guy: “Okay ladies now let’s get in formation.”

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a fun one for the hollywood type.

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Time to reboot the DA: “Dumbledore didn’t die for this.”

“Es Feminista. No Feminazi”. wingardium levi-OH-sa, you dumb dumbs

#womensmarch #nyc

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Donald… urine danger, girl. Ghost puns FTW.

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Favorite reference to The Office from the marches: “I feel God in this Chili’s tonight”

Because there’s only so much we can take: “I will not normalize 3 Doors Down.”

Not a sign, but they worked so hard and aren’t women just the VERY BEST?

Greatest protest sign ever. #womensmarch

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“why are you so obsessed with me?” regina george and mean girls quotes are always applicable. stop trying to make trump happen.

💪#womensmarchonwashington

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“Don’t try to grab my pussy it’s made of steel.” when supergirl takes the streets

Things We’re Willing To Believe About Donald Trump

Drag him, Denver: “Trump skis in jeans”

It’s worse than we thought: “Donald Trump uses Comic Sans.”

Other assaults on good taste spotted on signs: Trump doesn’t even read, Trump eats ketchup on steak, and Trump listens to Nickelback.

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“I make the best signs. Really terrific signs. I have the best signs. Everybody says so.” SAD!

“Free Melania” (No seriously Melania, do you want us to come get you? We can come up with a signal.)

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“Trump, I’ll pee on you for free.”

Things We Definitely Believe About Trump and His Administration

“I’ve seen smarter cabinets at Ikea.” I’d also like to note that I’ve spent longer putting together Ikea cabinets than Trump has assembling his executive cabinet.

“Sex offenders cannot live in government housing.”

“Donald J.Trump will lie about this.” Done and done.

Thanks, Obamas

i am forever michelle.

“Thank you Obama, we’ve got it from here.”

LGBTQuestioning How We Got Into This Mess

In case you’ve been wondering: The Gay Agenda. Monday: Be Gay. Tuesday: Tacos. Wednesday: Be Gay. Thursday: Be Gay. Friday: Super Gay. Saturday: Super Gay. Sunday: Brunch Gay.

the mirror is such an a+ touch

“Never underestimate the power of a faggot with a tambourine.” I not only saw tambourines, I saw dudes with bongos.

“Not gay as in happy. Queer as in fuck you.”

Gynecological Miscellany

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“Shed walls, don’t build them” on a picture of a cartoon uterus. 20 bucks says there are men in DT’s cabinet and sitting as Republicans in Congress who don’t get this one.

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“Keep Uncle Sam out of my clam”

Signs Of The Future

“Trump is a Racist, Sexist Dicktator. Mom says my spelling is fine.”

My mama don’t like trump and she likes everyone. bonus points for the beliebers out there.

Young boys and their little sister: “My sister believes she can be president. #ThanksHillary” anyone else immediately weep after seeing this?

“japanese americans against Muslim registry” AND ALSO WEEP AT THIS?!

Adorable toddler: “I (heart) naps but I stay woke.”

Trump, Don’t make fun of people who are different. Be Helpful, Be Kind, Like me!

A child I wish were in the cabinet: “What do we want? Evidence-based science. When do we want it? After peer review”

Boys will be boys good humans.

Yes.

I love this kid’s style: “Trump is a butt.”

“You’re fired! 2020” – Love how you can tell this little lady KNOWS she nailed it with this sign.

A respectful cutie named Atlas: “Never too young to respect women”

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“I’m marching for our future” She’s even got her superhero cape on. And tutu for good measure.

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“Tiny Hands – Yuuuuuge mistake. Sad!” – Some of the coolest middle schoolers I can imagine.

International Marchers

Beautiful British understatements: “ugh,” “This is very bad,” “I’m really quite cross,” “I am very upset.”

Some delightful Sister Suffragettes in Edwardian-style outfits: “same shit, different century.”

A nasty woman in front of the Eiffel Tower: a Trump “Nope” in the style of the Obama Hope posters.

Just the Facts

“I’ll see you nice white ladies at the next #BlackLivesMatter march right?”

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Current mood: [Middle finger illustration]

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Basically me whenever That Guy is pictured near any lady, even those I don’t necessarily know or like: “stay the fuck away from my friends you rapist nazi fuck”

Because we can write the future, even if we couldn’t write the past: “First they came for the Muslims and we said ‘not this time motherfuckers’ ”

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On Trump with a slightly amended hairdo: “Not Today Satan.”

Every. SINGLE. Time. : ” “Screw it. I’ll do it. – Black Women”

When you’d LOVE to be home with Netflix: “So bad even introverts are here.”

WHERE. #womensmarch

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Our exact thought process w/r/t sign-making: “UGH where do I even start.”

A 2012 tweet from DT. Show him the receipts.

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This sucks.

Girl Power

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This pussy has wings.

#womensmarch #womensmarchonwashington #notmypresident #nastywoman

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Like looking in a mirror. #hillaryclinton #washingtondc #womensmarch #feminism #pussygrabsback

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“Now you have pissed off grandma” to be fair, he’s pissed off a lot of grandmas.
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Just a casual Ruth Bader Ginsberg head on top of a pole.

Best of 2016: The Margaret Abbott Awards For Baffling Treatment Of Female Olympians

Welcome to Day 2 of our Best of 2016 (wherein we pretend good things happened in 2016). But seriously, on our very short list of great things about 2016, the summer Olympics are near the top. As always, we were inspired and amazed for two weeks and became mega-fans of athletes we hadn’t even heard of weeks before. But 2016 had to be 2016, so there was still some weird sexism stuff, because of course there is. Our reaction: the Margaret Abbott Awards, highlighting baffling treatment of female olympians (and named in honor of first female ‘medalist,’ Margaret Abbott. And yes, medalist is in quotes because they gave her a bowl instead).


The Margaret Abbott Awards For Baffling Treatment Of Female Olympians

(click on link for full post)

Dan ‘He’s Responsible’ Hicks

Longtime NBC commentator Dan Hicks hit headlines after the 400m individual medley in swimming, when Hungarian swimmer Katinka Hosszu won the gold but also shattered the previous world record. During the program, he noted that Katinka’s husband and coach, Shane Tusup is “the man responsible” for making his wife the swimming champion she is today. Viewers were quick to take note of Dan’s wording, because, homegirl just killed it in the pool, yet this dry dude on the sidelines is “responsible” for the gold medal? OK. Dan Hicks later clarified his comments, saying, “It is impossible to tell Katinka’s story accurately without giving appropriate credit to Shane, and that’s what I was trying to do.”

There’s also more of a backstory with this couple, because apparently Shane’s poolside enthusiasm can turn scary, with other swimmers noting his extreme anger, calling it “inappropriate” and “not OK”. But again, Dan Hicks has an interesting view on his hard love, “It’s been a little disturbing to some of the other swimmers who have observed it,” he said on-air, according to the AP. “But he has turned her into a tiger in the pool.”

Dan Hicks is awarded… The GOLDEN ABBIE

Perfect for: The blood, sweat, and tears of Katinka, Shane Tusup in mini-form to stay afloat for all eternity

“Female Michael Phelps”

Katie Ledecky, 19 years old,  won four gold medals and a silver in the 2016 Olympics. She set a world record for the 400-meter freestyle … then she broke it herself. She finished the 800-meter freestyle so quickly that she had 11 seconds to cool her heels before the silver medalist even reached the wall. All of this is enough for the Daily Mail to name Ledecky the “female Michael Phelps.” For its part, NBC commentator Rowdy Gaines remarked that “some people say she swims like a man” before telling us why that’s false. Few things here:

A.) “Some people say” is a tired vehicle for introducing opinions a journalist or commentator doesn’t want to own (see also: “some people say women aren’t funny” in any interview with a female comedian).

B.) “Some people” need to stop saying a woman does something “like a man” when she does it well. Clearly Katie Ledecky swims like a woman since she, you know, is one.

These Male Rita Skeeters are awarded… The SILVER ABBIE

Perfect for: Serving alphabet soup so they can figuratively eat their words.

Some Questions I Have About #RepealThe19th

Just, like, some housekeeping* before we get going on this:

*Ha. I know.

  • Are we still allowed to vote for Dancing With The Stars?
  • … America’s Got Talent, too?
  • Can we keep the Sister Suffragette song from Mary Poppins? I think we can all agree that song is good.

Last thing I want is a big hole in the middle of Mary Poppins. That is TOO FAR.

  • If I choose to stop paying taxes since I can’t vote, did I just join the Tea Party?
  • If so can I wear a tricorn cap, because that would be a plus:
  • Do women’s votes since 1920 un-count? What I mean is, is Mike Dukakis or somebody going to retroactively win once we take half the votes out of it?

    That's PRESIDENT Mondale to you.

    That’s PRESIDENT Mondale to you.

  • If so, do we need to hire that guy who writes those books about, you know, what would have happened if George Washington drowned in the Delaware River or whatever so he can let us know where America should be?

    It's honestly a pretty interesting book.

    It’s honestly a pretty interesting book.

  • What happens if we retroactively un-elect some of the guys who voted to repeal the 19th to begin with? How many times do we have to do this?
  • Are we going to rename everything that’s named after the suffragettes? I ask because I live in Western NY where a bunch of our roads and bridges are named after people like Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Let’s figure this out ASAP, because I’m bad enough with directions as it is. Women drivers, am I right?
  • Wait, can we still drive?
  • How much trouble am I in if I vote? Let’s say I show up at the polls. Is it jail time or more like a parking ticket type situation? And once I’ve put my ballot in the machine they can’t tell whose it was, so it still gets counted, right?

    Also if we wear these to vote, nobody will ever know, right?

    Also if we wear these to vote, nobody will ever know, right?

  • Once we figure out the laws penalizing female suffrage, what are we going to call them?
  • We’re calling them Jane Crow laws, right?
  • Jill Crow laws? 
  • How exactly are we going to repeal the 19th?
  • I mean, I know HOW an amendment gets repealed, because it’s in the 5th amendment (by the way, you would have to use the 5th amendment to repeal the 5th amendment. That’s some inception shit there). But logistically, what chain of events could lead that to happen? Here’s the 5th, for reference:

The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or, on the Application of the Legislatures of two thirds of the several States, shall call a Convention for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Legislatures of three fourths of the several States, or by Conventions in three fourths thereof, as the one or the other Mode of Ratification may be proposed by the Congress; Provided that no Amendment which may be made prior to the Year One thousand eight hundred and eight shall in any Manner affect the first and fourth Clauses in the Ninth Section of the first Article; and that no State, without its Consent, shall be deprived of its equal Suffrage in the Senate.

  • Women make up roughly 20% of most elected bodies (yeah, still not great), ergo at least some women would have to vote to repeal the 19th in order to reach the ¾ majority. But then wouldn’t their votes… uncount? Meaning the ¾ majority could never be reached?
  • Let’s just grab that last clause for a minute, with no state without its consent being deprived of equal suffrage in the senate. Since our female representatives are useless at voting, they’re out of the legislature, right? But then a state is deprived of its equal suffrage in the senate if they, prior to the repealer, had sitting female senators. Wouldn’t those states have to consent to that?
  • I mean, the men in those states? Sorry.
  • Actually, since they’re only trying to REPEAL the 19th, not enact affirmative federal legislation BANNING female suffrage, isn’t this up to the states after the fact? Can’t we all just live in the states that let us vote and leave North Dakota and Oklahoma or whatever empty if they choose to abolish female suffrage?
  • Do we automatically revert to which states had female suffrage before the 19th amendment was enacted? If so, lots of us are in luck (less so in the South and the weirder parts of New England, sorry.)

    Or, I mean, thanks for the local school election voting privileges, New Hampshire and Louisiana.

    Or, I mean, thanks for the local school election voting privileges, New Hampshire and Louisiana.

  • Let’s say female suffrage goes away entirely. I would guess we’d go back to that thing where your husband votes for both of you. But say you don’t have one… can I pick which man is my voting proxy, or are we randomly assigned? And are we sure that we want to make U.S. voter turnout even worse than it already is by (a) getting rid of half the voters and (b) adding GROUP WORK?!
  • Can anybody who wants to “repeal the 19th” name 10 amendments other than the 19th and the 2nd? Heck. 5 amendments. And I already gave you the 5th.

How To Talk To A Man Who Is Talking To You When You Are Wearing Headphones

Hey gals! How’s it going? Anyone commute on public transit today? Me too! When I’m on a bus or train I enjoy avoiding eye contact, reading books, looking out the window so I get out at the right location, and wearing decoy headphones so that men don’t talk to me.

It doesn’t work very well!

When men interrupt my reading and music, my favorite responses are terse and monosyllabic. However, I get a bit more effusive and a lot more fake laugh-y when a man gets grouchy that I’m not paying attention to him. We laugh and we laugh! Oh, it’s a hoot. I do it because I’m scared, a little! I also enjoy pointing to my headphones and shrugging. Girls just want to have fun, am I right? When a bus man has proven himself particularly sketchy, I’ve even altered my commute time a bit so we don’t run into each other. Keeps me on my toes! Besides, experts say that changing your routine now and then helps prevent Alzheimers, right?

That was a joke. Women don’t get old. Gross!

But ladies, I have some bad news for you. WE’VE BEEN FOUND OUT.  In a recent article, a pickup artist – or artiste, truly – has created a handy guide on talking to women who are wearing headphones. The jig is up. Men have learned that we can still speak when our ears are covered. It’s time to change tactics. Here are a few tips and tricks to live your best life while wearing headphones AND talking to a fella who demands to be acknowledged:

Say Nothing

A million dating guides and networking seminars can’t be wrong: people love to talk, especially about themselves. All you really have to do when a man talks to you when you are wearing headphones is look at him, occasionally nod or make a listening-y facial expression, and keep your music on. This is also the best way to have someone fall in love with you according to The Little Mermaid, one of my top 5 Disney movies.

Make A Lot Of Eye Contact

Sometimes if you are wearing headphones and not talking to men, they get scared that you could have died or fallen asleep by accident. You can let them know you’re okay by making a lot of eye contact with them. It would be nice to make your eyes look really big. Big eyes are prettier since they remind people of babies, the most attractive form of humans. This is according to science. If you have small eyes that’s fine, someone might still love you.

Use Emphatic Gestures

Most men notice when you’re wearing headphones and only talk to you if they know you or need directions, so maybe the others just don’t see the headphones. If so, emphatic gestures can help him understand. This is a silent, secret way to correct him so that he doesn’t get embarrassed! Some men hate humiliation the most out of everything, which is why you’re going to be emphatic but silent! Shhhh!

Here are some hot tips: point to your ears with both hands. Cover your ears then bop your head to and fro to the music like you’re in a Beatz By Dre commercial. Hold your fingertips to your ears and raise your eyebrows in alarm, inhaling sharply. Impishly press a finger to your lips in a “shush” gesture while tapping your electronic device. Wag a finger in a classic “no, no, no” sign then point to your headphones. Cross both arms in an X over your face. Really have fun with it!

Let Your Body Talk

Emphatic gestures a bit OTT for you? Try some simple body language! Raise your shoulders up towards your ears in a heavy cringe. Cross your arms over your chest. Let your head sink way down, raising your eyes in a Princess Diana pose. Curl up into full fetal position. Rock.

Speak Loudly, Slowly and Clearly

A man who doesn’t know what headphones are might have problems understanding things. So leave your headphones on, keep your music or podcast at your favorite volume, and loudly, slowly and clearly tell him “I am listening to my headphones.” If he persists, then loudly, slowly and clearly ask him if he needs help. Us gals love our Walkmen, but that’s no excuse to ignore a person in need!

If the man who is talking to you when you are wearing headphones still doesn’t understand, you could try one of the other languages you speak. American Sign Language might be nice to add to the mix.

If the man understands that you are listening to your headphones and he doesn’t need help, you can always keep the convo going – with your headphones still in your ears and with your loud, slow and clear speech projecting across your sidewalk or subway car. Other people might notice. They’ll think it’s great that you’re being so polite to a person who is bad at understanding things! I think you would be very inspirational to very many people!

Laugh Nervously

Men are the most funny kind of people, which is why when you’re a little apprehensive around one you might laugh nervously. Then THEY know that YOU know how funny they are! It’s great for social situations (like commuting to work, or walking to the cafe on your lunch break, or waiting for new photo at the DMV)!  So when a man talks to you when you are wearing your headphones, just laugh nervously and maybe they’ll like you better.

This might be a good time to take a new laugh for a test drive. How about a Southern Belle-style titter? A bawdy belly laugh like you’re in an old-time saloon with those swinging doors? A North Pole-ian ho-ho-ho? A witch’s cackle? The only limit is your imagination!

Make It A Singalong

The man who is talking to you when you are wearing headphones might be bored because HE doesn’t have headphones. So why not share? You can crank your volume way up, or hand him an earbud. Start singing along with your whole heart and maybe he’ll follow suit! If you’re good at singing, try to sing a tiny bit less well than he does.

 

The Margaret Abbott Awards For Baffling Treatment of Female Olympians

There’s been a lot of talk surrounding the sexism that’s been happening at the Olympics over the past week, with men being “responsible” for female athletes’ victories and descriptors such as “wife of famous football player”, etc. So with this in mind, we decided to take a look back at the history of females at the Olympics, and we have learned a lot, y’all.

First of all, despite the fact the first Olympics kicked off in Athens in 1896, women were not included in the competition. Obviously. It wasn’t until 1900 when the second Games were held in Paris and 22 of the 997 athletes were females. They eased into the competition by only participating in “ladylike” sports such as golf, tennis and yachting.

Among the athletes was golfer Margaret Abbott, who was the first American woman to win an Olympic event (she even beat out her novelist mother Mary Abbott, who placed seventh). But we can’t even call her a “gold medalist”, because the 19000 Games were the only Olympics at which winner received valuable artifacts instead of the gold, silver or bronze. Instead, Margaret went home with a porcelain bowl.  On the plus side, there was some gold in it…?

But the gag here friends is that Margaret didn’t even realize she was competing in the Olympics. She lit’rally died not knowing she was a “gold medalist”, let alone the first female to win such an honor. Since it was just the second Olympics ever, the Games were more or less what we call a “shit show”. First of all, they took place over a five-month period between May and October during the 1900 World’s Fair in Paris. The French sports union decided they were in charge because the Games were taking place at the World’s Fair. The International Olympic Committee, which was fairly new at the time, was all, ‘I guess they’re right, we should give them control’. Because of this, most of the Olympic Games didn’t even have the word “Olympics” attached to it, with the press using terms such as “International Championships” or “Grand Prix of the Paris Exposition”.

So it makes sense Margaret thought it was just another competition like any other. She died in 1955, and it wasn’t until after her passing that historical research established the event and her win as an official Olympics victory. Can you imagine?? Mags is a historical figure in the world of sports and she probably just used that porcelain bowl to serve her husband a fresh summer salad!

While women’s sports has clearly come a long way since 1900 (thankfully that long skirt uniform has been done away with), we’ve still got some ways to go with equality, and that’s unfortunately been prominent in Rio over the past few days.

In recognition of Margaret and her lack of knowledge as an Olympian, we’ve decided to introduce The Abbies in honor of her achievements that went unrecognized – by giving it to the folks who have made some questionable sexist comments throughout the Games so far. Just like the 1900 Games, we’re handing out bowls, but these are based on level of baffling commentary from critics who should just take a seat. With these bowls at their side.

Gold Bowl = Ultimate dirtbag in dirtbaggery contest

Silver Bowl = Sucks the big one

Bronze Bowl = Still not OK, but willing to let slide


Dan ‘He’s Responsible’ Hicks

Longtime NBC commentator Dan Hicks hit headlines after the 400m individual medley in swimming, when Hungarian swimmer Katinka Hosszu won the gold but also shattered the previous world record. During the program, he noted that Katinka’s husband and coach, Shane Tusup is “the man responsible” for making his wife the swimming champion she is today. Viewers were quick to take note of Dan’s wording, because, homegirl just killed it in the pool, yet this dry dude on the sidelines is “responsible” for the gold medal? OK. Dan Hicks later clarified his comments, saying, “It is impossible to tell Katinka’s story accurately without giving appropriate credit to Shane, and that’s what I was trying to do.”

There’s also more of a backstory with this couple, because apparently Shane’s poolside enthusiasm can turn scary, with other swimmers noting his extreme anger, calling it “inappropriate” and “not OK”. But again, Dan Hicks has an interesting view on his hard love, “It’s been a little disturbing to some of the other swimmers who have observed it,” he said on-air, according to the AP. “But he has turned her into a tiger in the pool.”

Dan Hicks is awarded… The GOLDEN ABBIE

Perfect for: The blood, sweat, and tears of Katinka, Shane Tusup in mini-form to stay afloat for all eternity

The Journalist Who Wrote This Headline

“Corey Cogdell, wife of Bears lineman Mitch Unrein, wins bronze in Rio”, is what Tim Bannon wrote as the headline to his article on Monday. Listen, as someone who writes news for a living, I have to play devil’s advocate here. This is a story for the Chicago Tribute, where the Chicago Bears are the kings and a point of reference that everyone reading will get. If his headline read, “Corey Cogdell wins bronze in Rio” everyone would be like, ‘WHO?’ ‘WHY DO WE CARE?’ then move on to the next article. Their angle is that Bears fans would be interested in someone close to the Bears organization is a medallist in the Olympics. That being said, I also understand why there has been such an uproar about this. She’s obviously much more than a football player’s wife and is her own person. It’s akin to when we say things like, “Calvin Harris’ ex-girlfriend, Taylor Swift” as opposed to “Multiple Grammy-winning artist Taylor Swift”. It subconsciously tells the reader that the person the article really is about is a secondary character in the narrative, which is clearly not the case. It’s just a necessary evil to write things like this sometimes.

Chicago Tribune Writer is awarded… The BRONZE ABBIE

Perfect for: A selection of better words

It’s About To Be A What? A Girl Fight

(Sidenote: do y’all remember that Girlfight song? No? Ok, moving on) Majlinda Kelmendi of Kosovo became the country’s first ever Olympic medallist after winning the gold in judo, which according to a BBC commentator is not a sport, but rather a “catfight”. Or at least that’s what he described the match as. A “CATFIGHT”.

BBC Commentator is awarded… The GOLD ABBIE

Perfect for: The remains of the BBC commentator if he ever had to be in a real “Catfight” with gold medallist Majlinda.

“Female Michael Phelps”

Katie Ledecky, 19 years old,  won four gold medals and a silver in the 2016 Olympics. She set a world record for the 400-meter freestyle … then she broke it herself. She finished the 800-meter freestyle so quickly that she had 11 seconds to cool her heels before the silver medalist even reached the wall. All of this is enough for the Daily Mail to name Ledecky the “female Michael Phelps.” For its part, NBC commentator Rowdy Gaines remarked that “some people say she swims like a man” before telling us why that’s false. Few things here:

A.) “Some people say” is a tired vehicle for introducing opinions a journalist or commentator doesn’t want to own (see also: “some people say women aren’t funny” in any interview with a female comedian).

B.) “Some people” need to stop saying a woman does something “like a man” when she does it well. Clearly Katie Ledecky swims like a woman since she, you know, is one.

These Male Rita Skeeters are awarded… The SILVER ABBIE

Perfect for: Serving alphabet soup so they can figuratively eat their words.

NBC Doesn’t Think Female Sports Fans Exist

Annoyed by NBC’s tape delay and bizarrely packaged primetime coverage? Blame women. According to NBC chief marketing officer and slant-smiled bag of dirt John Miller, we wanted it this way so the Olympic events would remind us less of sports and more of the Bachelorette: “The people who watch the Olympics are not particularly sports fans. More women watch the games than men, and for the women, they’re less interested in the result and more interested in the journey. It’s sort of like the ultimate reality show and miniseries wrapped into one.”

NBC also broadcasts NFL football (45% female viewership) and NHL hockey (42% female viewership). But since they don’t think women are “particularly sports fans,” perhaps they wouldn’t miss nearly half of their audience if we went elsewhere.

John Miller is awarded … The GOLD ABBIE

Perfect for: Potpourri made of the discarded petals of past rose ceremonies.

Let’s Go To The Mall!

The U.S. Women’s Gymnastics Team – the Final Five – are a group of powerhouse athletes who easily won the team gold medal, the gold and silver all-around individual medals, the vault gold and the beam silver and bronze. In addition to their superhuman strength and tremendous drive, the teammates are kind and supportive of each other, offering hugs and encouraging words because when one of them succeeds, they all succeed. Or, in the words of NBC gymnastics announcer Jim Watson when the team was talking among themselves on the sidelines, “they might as well be standing around at the mall.”

While we always welcome an opportunity to burst into a chorus of Let’s Go To The Mall, we have to point out that these athletes don’t really hit the mall too often what with their focus on world domination. Watson followed up “Don’t boys hang out in malls too? I did.” They do, but something tells me Jim wouldn’t have said the same thing about, for instance, the US men’s basketball team.

Jim Watson is awarded …. the SILVER ABBIE

Perfect for: Serving Orange Julius, one of the premier mall foods.

 

 

Trolls Go Low

During the Olympics it’s fine to express your opinions on the games and the athletes on social media — within the bounds of decency. If you’re complaining about or even complimenting someone in a way you wouldn’t face-to-face, don’t @ them and theoretically force them to respond. And if the range of things you WOULD say to someone’s face includes racist or sexist insults, don’t @ them then either… in fact, don’t write it at all. During the games, some viewers have decided that Gabby Douglas was disrespectful to the flag or unsupportive of her team. That, alone, isn’t really the problem. It’s the onslaught of truly vile Twitter trolling that has followed.

Considering the trolling has included the complaints that Douglas doesn’t smile enough, needs to change her hair or has had breast implants, it’s safe to say that the online harassment has taken a gendered edge.

The Internet is awarded … the Silver Abbie

Perfect for: A nice helping of Alphabits cereal, any random 140 characters from which you could create better tweets.

Fox News Had To Say Something Too

It wouldn’t be a celebration of journalistic disappointments if Fox News didn’t crash the party. Fox, a network that doesn’t broadcast the Olympic games, got in on the action with a segment about whether or not female athletes should wear makeup. Sure! Or don’t! Who cares!

On their website, Fox News frames the question as why female athletes “feel the need” to wear makeup, as though they might not just want to. Or not. Again, who cares.

Weighing in on the issue: Bo Dietl and Mark Simone, two men.

Fox News is awarded…. the GOLD ABBIE

Perfect for: stashing some nice cold cream to take all that makeup off. I prefer good old Pond’s.


We’d love to call this our first and last Margaret Abbott Awards For Baffling Treatment Of Female Olympians, but let’s be real. This picture of Margaret Abbott was taken over 100 years ago, and seems to depict her standing around waiting for a man to get with it.

Friends, I think she’s still waiting. Chances are, we’ll be back at it awarding another round of Abbies for the 2018 Winter Olympic games. And possibly for regular sports before that. Change is coming, but if ol’ Maggie Abbott has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes you have to wait 50 years to find out what that porcelain bowl was for.

Rose Dawson: The Girl Who Lived

Every year around this time I think about one thing – no, not a rush of panic to do my taxes – but rather a nostalgic pang in my heart for fictional characters who fell in love on a real boat that sunk in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Exactly 104 years ago today, at approximately 11:40pm, the Titanic slammed into an iceberg on its starboard side, causing a massive gash in the steel and allowing the cold ocean waters to flood into the ship. In a world where Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater exist, this was right around the time they had finished Nude Sketch and Chill in an inexplicably steamy car.

Right after Leo won his Oscar in February (REMEMBER WHEN LEO WON AN OSCAR), my friends and I had all the feels and the only way to deal with them was to watch Titanic. Upon re-watching it for the fafillionth time, I noticed something I’ve never took note of before – Titanic is a feminist film. Or, Titanic features a strong female HBIC of 1912.

I’m blaming the fact that I was blinded by Leo’s handsomeness and wrapped up in the “OTP: I Will Go Down With This Ship” of it all when I first saw the movie as a 12 year old, but now, nearly 20 years later, it’s become glaringly apparent to me that Titanic’s not even about Jack + Rose or even about Jack. It’s about Rose. It’s about the girl who stepped onto the ship as a rich socialite preparing to become a wife, and left as a single woman free from the chains keeping her down. She’s The Girl Who Lived.

From the moment we meet young Rose, she doesn’t seem to be the typical Edwardian, demure, soft-spoken woman that are common characters in the early 1900s. Instead, she constantly says statements or small little actions to let you know it just wasn’t typical of a woman to do at this time, which is smack dab in the middle of the women’s era and eight years before females even got the right to vote.

While a lot of women at this time were either playing the role of Wife or factory workhorses, Rose seems to be a smart, learn-ed, modern woman. She can tell the difference between a Monet, Degas and Picasso – all of which are artists whose paintings she owns. She can use a Freud insult in the right way and not apologize for it. She can do fast math when it comes to the ratio of passengers to lifeboats.

For the last five hours of the movie – JK more like four – Rose just does not have any more fucks to give and lets her gut lead her confidence moving forward. She smokes at lunch even though she knows her mother hates it, she talks back to Cal (“I am not a foreman in one of your mills that you can command. I am your fiancee”), she gives the middle finger to Mr. Lovejoy as he attempts to hunt down her and Jack and even pushes the dude in charge of the lift because she needs to go save Jack. Friendly reminder: the year is 1912.

She’s also embracing her strength as a woman by letting this dude she’s known for two days draw her completely naked. But she doesn’t go about it in a demure way, Rose straight up tells him to do it. She’s forceful but strong, a characteristic that was overall not seen by women in this era (did I mention it’s 1912?). “I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. Wearing this. And only this.” “Put your hands on me, Jack.” She is a sexual human being and isn’t afraid to show it.

On top of that, she’s so desperate to break out of her corset and leave the world of decorum that she, with the help of Jack, breaks all the boundaries of both gender norms and class distinction. She wants to learn how to “chew tobacco like a man” and “ride horses like a man” and “spit like a man”, and journeys down to the somewhat forbidden third class deck to drink and dance and go en pointe and smoke some more. I mean, just look at her longing to escape this world.

And of course, there’s the whole reason why she’s on the boat in the first place – she went to England to find a rich husband and become his arm candy, while her mother benefits from the social and financial gains. She found that man in Cal, who just so happens to be a selfish, misogynistic, lying bastard. Her voyage on the Titanic was not only the pathway to a life as a dutiful wife, but one last chance to escape from it all.

Enter Jack. Rose was already feeling helpless when she met him. Remember the whole, “With all due respect, Miss, I’m not the one hanging off the back of a ship here” moment? She wanted more for her life but there was no one to turn to when she needed to be heard. But it was Jack who pushed her to do all those things, because he believed in her and she just needed confirmation, like when he gives her the inner power for that iconic, “I’d rather be his whore than your wife” line. Unlike a lot of female protagonists, she wasn’t swayed to make a life-changing decision based on her lover’s opinion. He could see her potential, and he encouraged her to be more than what she was pretending to be.

Rose: Look, I know what you must be thinking. “Poor little rich girl, what does she know about misery?”

Jack: No! No, that’s not what I was thinking. What I was thinking was, “What could’ve happened to this girl to make her think she had no way out?”

. . .

Jack: Rose… you’re no picnic. All right? You’re a spoiled little brat even. But under that, you’re the most amazingly, astounding wonderful girl woman, that I’ve ever known… They’ve got you trapped, Rose. And you’re gonna die if you don’t break free. Maybe not right away because you’re strong, but sooner or later that fire that I love about you, Rose, that fire is gonna burn out.

Rose: It’s not up to you to save me, Jack.

Jack: You’re right. Only you can do that.

Now get ready for a REAL good analogy – Rose is the Titanic. She hits a metaphorical iceberg meeting Jack, who turns her world upside down. He gives her the jolt of energy she needs to fully realize that she doesn’t have to be what her mom or Cal say she has to be. And all this happens as both her personal world and the physical ship is going down. She feels like she’s drowning and has no idea how to go back up for air. But she holds on for as long as she can until she can’t anymore. And she survives. She fights back. She fights for her life. She becomes The Girl Who Lived.