dating | Cookies + Sangria

Congratulations, people in love. Today’s a day for you to celebrate the romance you’ve cultivated over the past ::insert amount of time here:: and show how much you care with a greeting card and a 3-course dinner special at your local favorite restaurant.

For everyone else, congratulations, you’re single. If you feel the need to spend today not entirely by yourself, here are some super niche dating apps that can narrow down the field for you and possibly fill that void of #foreveralone-ness. At least for now. But who knows how this could turn out? Maybe you’ll be telling your kids the story of How I Met Your Mother on Spoonr.

Wingman

Are you a frequent flier? On the road for business a lot and don’t get a chance to go on real dates? Wingman is the app for people on the go looking to scores some points in the mile high club. In addition to the usual info, you also add your flight number and airline to your profile, and it shows you a list of people on your flight that you could be paired up with. Seat-to-seat chatting is gonna get a whole lot sexier.

Bumble

Bumble is a giant Sadie Hawkins Dance version of Tinder. Once you’re matched with someone, the lady has to message the guy first, but if they don’t within 24 hours, the connection disappears. And for all my LGBTQ homies out there, either one can make the first move.

Happn

Happenstance (noun) : a circumstance especially that is due to chance. We always are stunned to find out what small a world we really live in, and with Happn, it sets out to prove that to be true. using GPS functionality in your phone, the app shows profiles of other singles in your area and pinpoints the last place and time you were close to each other. All prospective matches are people you’ve crossed paths within 250 meters, and it’s definitely NOT creepy at all, right?

Spoonr

Aside: why are all these dating apps missing one vowel? Is there a real reason? Please respond in comments. Anyways, Spoonr is not for folks who enjoy the round utensil, it’s for people who just need a cuddle. Unclear whether there’s an option to set a preference for big or little spoon.

Tindog

Have a fear you’re going to become an old dog lady/man with no human significant other? Well Tindog not only sets you up with other dog lovers, it sets up your dogs too. Puppy love, AMIRITE?

Seeking Arrangement

SeekingArrangement is a very generous phrase to describe what this dating app is – a way for sugar daddies to find young women to shower with material items, companionship, and of course, sex. If Hugh Hefner doesn’t already have stock in this, he really should.

SaladMatch

This app was created by New York-based salad eatery Just Salad, as a way to connect customers with other salad lovers. Like Tinder, it allows you to swipe left or right on users based on their salad prefs, Just Salad location and what time of day they usually go to Just Salad. So if you get matched with someone, do you get like free salads for life, or something? Because I could be into that.

Sizzl

Like SaladMatch, Sizzl is powered by Oscar Mayer, but a little less serious than Just Salad. The app matches singles based on their bacon preferences – crispy or tender? Pork or turkey? etc. etc. Again, I feel like if you get properly matched there should at least be a voucher for free bacon at your local grocery store.

Luxy

Luxy is for rich snobs. No, really. One time their tag line was “Tinder, minus the poor people.” And in the ad above, the slogan “Over 40,000 people have been kicked out” is not a misprint. Luxy is a dating app for the 1% – millionaires, CEOs, celebs, etc. Apparently, users even select their fave high-end brands like Cartier and Prada, so potential suitors know what to get them as a casual gift.

Raya

Speaking of the 1%, Raya is a similar dating app, but used by a lot of celebs. It’s super exclusive and very secretive, and referred to as the “Illuminati Tinder”. There’s an intense vetting process, and after users submit their application, an anonymous committee assesses their social media presence and decides whether you’re cool enough to join the app. Stars like Sharon Stone, Diplo, Joe Jonas, Rayven Symone and even Matthew Perry are all rumored to be looking for love on Raya. The fact that it’s so elusive is why it’s so fascinating – but all I really want to know is what do these celebs put in their profiles??

Hey gals! How’s it going? Anyone commute on public transit today? Me too! When I’m on a bus or train I enjoy avoiding eye contact, reading books, looking out the window so I get out at the right location, and wearing decoy headphones so that men don’t talk to me.

It doesn’t work very well!

When men interrupt my reading and music, my favorite responses are terse and monosyllabic. However, I get a bit more effusive and a lot more fake laugh-y when a man gets grouchy that I’m not paying attention to him. We laugh and we laugh! Oh, it’s a hoot. I do it because I’m scared, a little! I also enjoy pointing to my headphones and shrugging. Girls just want to have fun, am I right? When a bus man has proven himself particularly sketchy, I’ve even altered my commute time a bit so we don’t run into each other. Keeps me on my toes! Besides, experts say that changing your routine now and then helps prevent Alzheimers, right?

That was a joke. Women don’t get old. Gross!

But ladies, I have some bad news for you. WE’VE BEEN FOUND OUT. In a recent article, a pickup artist – or artiste, truly – has created a handy guide on talking to women who are wearing headphones. The jig is up. Men have learned that we can still speak when our ears are covered. It’s time to change tactics. Here are a few tips and tricks to live your best life while wearing headphones AND talking to a fella who demands to be acknowledged:

Say Nothing

A million dating guides and networking seminars can’t be wrong: people love to talk, especially about themselves. All you really have to do when a man talks to you when you are wearing headphones is look at him, occasionally nod or make a listening-y facial expression, and keep your music on. This is also the best way to have someone fall in love with you according to The Little Mermaid, one of my top 5 Disney movies.

Make A Lot Of Eye Contact

Sometimes if you are wearing headphones and not talking to men, they get scared that you could have died or fallen asleep by accident. You can let them know you’re okay by making a lot of eye contact with them. It would be nice to make your eyes look really big. Big eyes are prettier since they remind people of babies, the most attractive form of humans. This is according to science. If you have small eyes that’s fine, someone might still love you.

Use Emphatic Gestures

Most men notice when you’re wearing headphones and only talk to you if they know you or need directions, so maybe the others just don’t see the headphones. If so, emphatic gestures can help him understand. This is a silent, secret way to correct him so that he doesn’t get embarrassed! Some men hate humiliation the most out of everything, which is why you’re going to be emphatic but silent! Shhhh!

Here are some hot tips: point to your ears with both hands. Cover your ears then bop your head to and fro to the music like you’re in a Beatz By Dre commercial. Hold your fingertips to your ears and raise your eyebrows in alarm, inhaling sharply. Impishly press a finger to your lips in a “shush” gesture while tapping your electronic device. Wag a finger in a classic “no, no, no” sign then point to your headphones. Cross both arms in an X over your face. Really have fun with it!

Let Your Body Talk

Emphatic gestures a bit OTT for you? Try some simple body language! Raise your shoulders up towards your ears in a heavy cringe. Cross your arms over your chest. Let your head sink way down, raising your eyes in a Princess Diana pose. Curl up into full fetal position. Rock.

Speak Loudly, Slowly and Clearly

A man who doesn’t know what headphones are might have problems understanding things. So leave your headphones on, keep your music or podcast at your favorite volume, and loudly, slowly and clearly tell him “I am listening to my headphones.” If he persists, then loudly, slowly and clearly ask him if he needs help. Us gals love our Walkmen, but that’s no excuse to ignore a person in need!

If the man who is talking to you when you are wearing headphones still doesn’t understand, you could try one of the other languages you speak. American Sign Language might be nice to add to the mix.

If the man understands that you are listening to your headphones and he doesn’t need help, you can always keep the convo going – with your headphones still in your ears and with your loud, slow and clear speech projecting across your sidewalk or subway car. Other people might notice. They’ll think it’s great that you’re being so polite to a person who is bad at understanding things! I think you would be very inspirational to very many people!

Laugh Nervously

Men are the most funny kind of people, which is why when you’re a little apprehensive around one you might laugh nervously. Then THEY know that YOU know how funny they are! It’s great for social situations (like commuting to work, or walking to the cafe on your lunch break, or waiting for new photo at the DMV)! So when a man talks to you when you are wearing your headphones, just laugh nervously and maybe they’ll like you better.

This might be a good time to take a new laugh for a test drive. How about a Southern Belle-style titter? A bawdy belly laugh like you’re in an old-time saloon with those swinging doors? A North Pole-ian ho-ho-ho? A witch’s cackle? The only limit is your imagination!

Make It A Singalong

The man who is talking to you when you are wearing headphones might be bored because HE doesn’t have headphones. So why not share? You can crank your volume way up, or hand him an earbud. Start singing along with your whole heart and maybe he’ll follow suit! If you’re good at singing, try to sing a tiny bit less well than he does.