Author Archives: Molly

Ghost Post: My Personal Spooky Stories

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

I’m a pretty skeptical person, and I’m positive these stories have rational, non-ghostly explanations. But if you ARE looking for ghostly explanations, I should probably mention that I was born with a caul or veil, which is disgusting. According to superstition, caulbearers are supposed to have second sight (or immunity from drowning, or greatness). My aunt said it was supposed to mean great beauty, but by the time I hit my early 20s it was pretty clear that ship wasn’t going to sail. If “second sight” means I get these spooky stories to tell at Halloweentime, though, I’ll take that over good looks any day.

 In which a pale, creepy child has her dreams haunted by a little girl ghost

If you were a kid in our hometown in the early 90s, you knew about the little girl who was kidnapped. There were posters everywhere, vigils, benefits, constant news reports. She was an adorable girl with long blonde hair, about 4 years old.

About a year after she’d disappeared, I hadn’t thought about her in a long time because a year is a lot longer in kid-years. Then, I had the dream. I was in a townhouse, and I knew it was my home in the dream even though I lived in a 1920s city house in my real life. Isn’t it weird how that happens in dreams? A little girl knocked at the door, asking for help so that the man didn’t get her. I couldn’t do anything.

The dream cut to the same little girl, underwater. She was clearly dead – green, even – with her blonde hair swirling around her face. Then she started narrating from beyond the grave. Ew. I can still hear it: “He put me in the water. I’m still here. They still haven’t found me.” It’s can even hear her tone – mocking, almost, like she’d been so let down and was so done with everybody. I woke up chilled, and thought of the missing girl for days after (days are longer in kid-years, too.).

A little over a year later, I was watching 20/20 because I was the world’s lamest 9-year-old. It was a special about kids getting sucked down pool drains. The station cut in with a breaking report, and before the reporters said anything or a title card came up, I just knew it was about her.

It was. They found the girl – who was kidnapped and killed in her neighbor’s townhouse – stashed in a giant water tank.

I’m sure it was all a big coincidence. How many dreams do you have that don’t end up coming true? Most of them, really – you just forget about them. But between the dream, the tank, and the damn 20/20 special, I wouldn’t go near the deep end of a pool for years.

 In which ghosts hate me cause they ain’t me

There was only one time anyone has wanted to be me, and it was a ghost. [Rationally: it was a series of flukes – but it’s Halloween, so let’s play!] Freshman year of college, I came back from visiting friends down the hall and told my roommate that I really had to work on an essay. “Weren’t you doing it earlier, when I walked by and you were at your computer?” We figured out what time she had seen me, and I wasn’t at my computer, or in the room at all. Meet Ghost Molly. [Realistically: it was 2004, which means if we’d accidentally left our door unlocked someone probably jumped onto my computer to change my Away Message on AIM.]

The next semester, my friends were all talking about the fire drill the night before. I had no knowledge of a fire drill.  I truly thought they were playing a stupid prank on me, until I asked enough people I wasn’t friends with, too. Yep, there was a drill, which I’d apparently slept through — except, at least 2 people said they saw me, standing apart and looking away. I’m sure I was in my bed all night, so what they saw was obviously my ghost twin again (honestly: I hope that WAS a ghost because sleepwalking scares me more than the undead).

The next year we lived in a “haunted suite.” For instance, one suitemate accused our other friend of coming into her room in the middle of the night and pulling on her toe – but he didn’t. Another friend confronted all of us because her goldfish went missing. I’m pretty sure she still thinks we stole it, because we all started laughing — but only because goldfish don’t disappear so it was hilarious (R.I.P. Pearl. 2005 – 2005). Also, my roommate thought that I was home napping in the middle of the day because she, you know, saw me at home napping and could hear me breathing. I was at class all day. Doppelganger Molly strikes again.

That semester, my friends and I were taking a walk when we ran into our roommate. She had met with a psychic who said that the room was haunted and we were supposed to be respectful, prayerful, and not make fun of the ghost. We started laughing, obviously. As with Poor Dead Pearl, we only laughed because it was so unexpected. Then we probably went back to the room and laughed at the ghost, too. Does it count as ‘mocking’ the ghost to name him Devon, after Devon Sawa, the tween star of Casper? Because we did that as well. The take-away here is probably that I’m unable to take anything seriously.

F’real, though, life was pretty damn cushy in college. I’d have wanted to be me if I were a ghost, too.

 In which death comes rapping at my chamber door

I lived in a borderline-divey neighborhood in law school, in a cute art deco apartment with no peephole. You couldn’t get into the building without a key, so if someone knocked at my door I knew it wasn’t just a friend dropping by. Between the lack of peephole and being able to rule out friendly visitors,  I usually wouldn’t answer my door  when it was really late. Shortly after I moved in, though, I started to get knocks on my door in the middle of the night. First it happened every few months, then just about every week. Without a way to check who it was, I’d usually just hold my breath until the knocking stopped.

I don’t think it was a ghost. I just lived in a bad neighborhood and had some iffy neighbors. I got a dog and started keeping a knife under my bed.

Hey, they can’t all be ghost stories.

Michelle Tanner’s High-Fashion Fashions

Posted in Entertainment, Lists, Outfit Girl by

Remember Michelle Tanner’s outfits? They were the coolest – the oversized buttons, the sassy sweatsuits, the sunflower hats. Well, you can’t buy style that fly at The Children’s Place. Nope – those fashions went straight from the runway, to a seamstress who cuts down clothing for children and tiny adults, to your television. I didn’t believe it, either, but this week Ashley Olsen said:

We’d be in six-hour fittings three times a week, because we had to wear 12 different outfits. The majority of the wardrobe was made up of adult pieces, including Chanel and Marc Jacobs, cut to fit.

Now, I’d never call Ashley Olsen a liar (Mary-Kate, on the other hand…). It’s just that, even in the crazy 80s, I thought that Chanel and Marc Jacobs were a little more dignified than this:

Thanks to Olivia Newton John, aerobic wear was all the rage, and Givenchy went off the rails for a while there.

From Armani’s Fall/Winter 1990 “Cartoon Pandas And Whales” line.

The 90s were in full swing, and the House of Versace was all about these fetus-sized voodoo dolls with yarn hair.

Every student of fashion knows the 1992 collaboration between Jean-Paul Gaultier and Lisa Frank.

(L) Olsen in Oleg Cassini (Resort Collection); (R) Baby Jess Merriweather in Gymboree.

The running motif in Jil Sander’s poorly-received Spring 1991 line? Big-assed buttons.

Princess Diana wore nautical pieces on a Greek vacation, and the next season, Commes des Garcons was – in designer Kawakubo’s own words – “trying a thing.”

I thought that this was both twins, circa 1995, in Vera Wang. However, I’m told that this is a full-grown Mary-Kate Olsen, appearing alongside her paramour and an actual child. Honest mistake.

Vintage Chanel Couture.

You thought your third grade teacher was buying her Christmas sweaters at Christopher & Banks? Try Dolce & Gabbana.

‘You Know What? Everyone Just Give Up For A While’ – cover story of Vogue’s September Issue, 1989 – and the inspiration for this ensemble.

Live Blog: Halloweentown

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by

Welcome to our second Halloween Throwback Live Blog (the first was Hocus Pocus). Live blogging Halloweentown was a no-brainer: we love the 90s, we love live blogging terrible tv movies, and we love Disney Channel Original Movies (that’s DCOMs to all of y’all). Plus, Halloweentown is airing on the Disney Channel tonight! Read this to do your prep work, or follow along during the broadcast. I promise you would have predicted all of the spoilers anyway. Without further ado, your companion to Halloweentown:

– I’m already thinking this is going to be better than I remember, because one of the first things to show up on the credits is “Music by Mark Mothersbaugh”. You may remember that he did the spot-on music for Rugrats. Also, a little project called Devo.

– Fun fact: the main character, a Winnie Cooper-ish 13-year-old, is named Marnie. The timeline just about adds up for her to be the same age as the character in Girls today. So, if you get bored during this, just imagine the teen witch (SPOILER!) growing up to be Marnie Michaels.

Danica McKellar was presumably busy doing ‘oh God anything but this.’

– This flick features one of my favorite 90s stock characters, the dweeby, infuriating younger brother a la Ferguson Darling.

– Well, I spent the whole first 5 minutes wondering why Winnie’s Marnie’s wearing a Halloween costume when the whole plot is that her mom won’t let the kids go Trick-Or-Treating. Then, I realize that this is probably just an outfit in 1998.

– Marnie and her mom, Gwen, argue about trick-or-treating. Bam. Say what you will about DCOMs, we are five minutes in and the movie has already passed Bechdel test.

– Annoying younger brother (Ferguson, I’m calling him) says that talking about their father – who the kids don’t know – always bums their mom out. Why are so many childrens’ movies predicated on the idea that mama used to get around? Or maybe he’s dead.

– The kids’ grandma, Aggie, shows up and is a total witch.

– Aggie, by the way? Debbie Freakin’ Reynolds. Well, they can’t all be Singin In The Rain. If we learned anything from Hocus Pocus, it’s that children’s Halloween films are where beloved elder actresses go when they just don’t care anymore.

– Also, Gwen is Judith Hoag, so hell, they can’t even all be Nashville.

– After what seems like minutes (but, like, a lot of minutes), Tandy Gwen finally lets Aggie tell the kids a story. See, although a lot of movies have the trope where a parent is super strict but it’s for a very good reason the kids can’t know about, I still think Gwen kind of sucks.

– Aggie brings a picture book with crude illustrations of witches and goblins. Marnie loves it because it’s “all the stuff [she’s] into.” Things Marnie’s Into: (1) Drawings that look like they were made on Microsoft Paint, I guess.

I’m just going to go ahead and say that the entire budget went to Debbie Reynolds.

– Did every girl in the 90s have a white wicker bed, or was that just on tv?

– Aggie – wearing a diaphanous blouse that makes her look like Stevie Nicks as played by Debbie Reynolds – argues with Gwen that Marnie’s witch education should be done by now (Bechdel!). So, this is basically a way-less cool version of Harry Potter. Forget an owl on your 11th birthday, in Halloweentown-verse, you find out you’re a witch when your grandma visits.

– Marnie is surprisingly chill for a child who just discovered that she and her relatives are all supernatural beings. Meanwhile, I found out I’m part English last year and I’m still trying to get my head around it.

– Marnie and Ferg-wad sneak onto grandma’s super secret witch bus – which is just a school bus rocking back and forth in front of a green screen. Well, it’s no Knight Bus, that’s for certain. It’s like this whole thing was written by J.K. Rowling’s less-imaginative cousin.

– You don’t have to do a Halloweentown drinking game, but if you are, you should chug every time Ferguson Darling refers to himself as “the man of the house,” because he does it kind of a lot.

– It appears that everyone in Halloweentown is in costume, so who knows, maybe Aggie is going as Stevie Nicks this year.

– Fergie and Marnie’s sister, Sophie, followed them there. Oh yeah. Now’s a good time to mention that there’s a little sister. There was really no reason to talk about her before. She’s a generic brunette child with bangs.

– The kiddos run into a warlock who tells them that he “knew their mother a long time ago.” Knew biblically? Is he the baby daddy? Why is there so much Maury Povich and so little magic?

– Obligatory Disney meta-reference, re: skeleton chauffer: “He’s probably animatronic; Disney Land’s full of stuff like that.” But honestly? I’ve seen better spooky special effects in the part of the Haunted Mansion ride when the ghost appears next to you in the car.

– Revelation: the people in Halloweentown aren’t in costume, they’re actually supposed to be whatever it is that they’re dressed as. It’s bad, though. The Frankenstein, for instance, looks like a regular guy in a $7.99 latex Frankenstein mask from Party City.

– Marnie’s ready to begin witch training. Her Grandma needs another Cromwell lady to fight some kind of villain, who I already know is going to be way less cool than Voldemort — and I mean less cool than any incarnation of Voldemort, including under-the-turban Voldemort and Tom Riddle Voldemort.

– Luke, the Halloweentown “bad boy,” looks like a tough 13-year-old from the 50s. He has the face of Eddie Haskell, a hairdo that looks like a duck’s ass, and a sassy cropped vest.

– I believe that in Harry Potter parlance, we just learned that Marnie is a mudblood. In English parlance, she’s wearing a big freaking scrunchie.

– The mayor and Gwen reunite and I totally called it: they used to bone.

Gwen: You used to let the magic do the talking.

Mayor: You used to like it – or are you forgetting that part?

Marnie: I guess you like magic when he does it, huh?

– “You’re not a witch just because grandma says you are.” – Gwen, offering reassurance to every girl whose grandma just doesn’t like her very much.

– Disney throws in a hastily-written b-plot to make things more exciting for the older kids. The bad guy stands in an abandoned movie theater and explains what’s going on. It’s like the exposition version of deus ex machina – just really fast-tracking it.

– I worked at a movie theater for like 5 years, and my scariest movie theater story is that one time a teen couple had sex in the theater during Flushed Away, an animated feature about rats and poop.

Anyway. There’s a wicked spell, a bad guy who wants … something to do with power, people being turned into statues, and a magical talisman. Because there’s always a magical talisman in these things (Aggie has it). It’s like a winning row in scary movie bingo.

– Gwen and Aggie get petrificus totalus-ed. Accio, the last hour of my life! Please.

– Marnie says “duh!” because she’s not even cool enough for “doy!”

– Marnie: “We’re Cromwells! Together we can conquer anything!” (Anything like… Ireland? Seriously odd surname choice there, Disney)

– There’s a really pointless scene (as in, more than the other scenes even) with a Halloweentown hairdresser who’s like a lame, cat-like version of Cinna from The Hunger Games – doing the hair of a woman who looks like she’s from The Capital. He keeps saying “yeah, baby!” and I think Disney thinks it can make this movie funny by quoting Austin Powers.

– Sophie saves the day by remembering the spell. Pretty clear who’s the Hermione and who’s the Lavender Brown here (too soon?).

– We learn that spells are simple. “You just have to want it, and let yourself have it!” So now we know where that guy who’s making a ton of money from The Secret got the idea.

– GAME CHANGER. He Who Shall Not Be Named (because I forget his name… because it was stupid) morphs into Gwen’s ex-lover.

– Marnie drops the magic stick into a giant jack-o-lantern and defeats Voldumbort. Apparently his name is Kalibar. I spent a while looking for a cool anagram in there, but again, this is no J.K. Rowling. Unless Bail Ark means something. Maybe it does – as in “abandon ship? this movie is sinking?”

– Fergwad is a warlock, which is convenient for when Marnie inevitably gets Menudo-ed out of the Halloweentown franchise.

– Luke is nice, and as it turns out, troll-faced. He was under a spell before. Aggie is going to move in with the family to babysit. It’s over. Thank goodness. Good night.

90s Fashion Myths vs. Realities

Posted in Outfit Girl by

** A lot of the pictures have broken since we first wrote this, and we see you, and we’ll be fixing it ASAP. **

Listen, young ladies on tumblr. You’re all into the 90s look, and that’s great, I suppose. I mean, from my perspective it’s the very definition of not great, because it means that I am now old enough to have worn a “vintage” trend the first time around, but bully for you.

Here’s the deal, though. You’re getting it wrong. Your romanticized version of the 90s is super cute, but that’s not how it was. It was awkward, frumpy, and all around unfortunate. Our shirts were too wide and short by a good stretch. Our jeans made us look ice cream cone-shaped. Regardless of season or latitude, everyone was dressed for a Seattle winter. Inspired by our live blog of Hocus Pocus, I present a fashion companion to all you tumblr girls who were born after the early 90s: You Weren’t There, You Wouldn’t Understand

Jeans

Myth:

Everyone wore distressed, slouchy “boyfriend” pants or sleek, high-waisted, taper-legged denim.

Reality:

Yeah. Our waists were high all right. But do you know what lay between the high waist and the tapered ankle? A foot-long butt. While the modern iteration of these pants has a slim fit, there was no “skinny’ in 90s jeans. Rather, there was a ton of fabric, so that your frame would blossom out after your waist, only to end in a vice grip around your ankles. We all looked like gorgeous ice cream cones.

In terms of denim, the acid wash and stone wash we wore had NOTHING in common with today’s distressed denim. It looked almost like the cover of a marble composition notebook. We didn’t do subtlety very well back then. And if you weren’t wearing that – and this never shows up on your tumblrs – you were wearing super-bright, almost indigo blue denim.

Flannel

Myth:

We all wore big, cozy flannel shirts a la Kurt Cobain or – let’s be real – Angela Chase.

Reality:

Well, we did… kind of. I remember being so excited in second grade to get a slouchy flannel for Christmas – so I could look like Cory Matthews. So, I want you to think less Nirvana and more TGIF. Most of us didn’t look like angsty grunge musicians, we looked like honor roll kids from nice families who were trying to stay comfy.

Leggings

Myth:

Underneath our Seattle flannels or stylish tunic tops, we showed off our toned, aerobicized legs in leggings, topped off with Doc Martins.

Reality:

Every kind of pants in the 90s made you look like you were wearing diapers. I think leggings had a little less elastic then, plus most of the ones we had were stirrup leggings. Yeah. In the 90s, stirrups weren’t just for horseback riding and your gyno’s office. So, pants were well secured at the waist and ankles, and kind of saggy and sad in between. On our feet? Keds.

Hair

Myth:

Our hair fell in long, devil-may-care waves and curls, kind of like Lorde.

Reality:

Those big 80s bangs didn’t really die until the mid-90s. We didn’t wear loose waves, we wore spiral perms. If you wanted to look really polished, you probably had The Rachel, and if you wanted to look really professional, you had Princess Diana’s haircut. In the late 90s, we didn’t wear long, subtle side bangs like all of you kids. We had light fringes that we painstakingly curled under with round brushes, so your forehead was under a protective hair-dome. There was a lot of half-up, half-down happening. Lots of claw clips. Scrunchies. Seasonal scrunchies, classy scrunchies, denim scrunchies. One of the first times I remember getting a big laugh in a crowded room, I was about 5 and was making up a commercial for scrunchies at Thanksgiving with my extended fam. “Scrunchies! Because real bracelets are for snobs! Scrunchies! Because you could put it in your hair later, maybe!” (See, the whole thing with scrunchies was that they just ended up on everyone’s wrists).

Businesswear

Myth:

The woman of the 90s wore a lot of power pieces – be it menswear-inspired suspenders, or tiny suits a la Ally McBeal.

Reality:

The woman of the 90s wore a lot of shoulder pads – it wasn’t just the 80s. She’s also responsible for that thing where you wear big, ugly sneakers with business clothes in order to go power walking. 90s women wore a ton of horrible flat-front khakis. The Adult Jumper was going strong, and not just for teachers.

Neon

Myth:

Totally radical!

Reality:

Totally dopey.

Riot Grrl

Myth:

We wore baby doll dresses as a subtle critique of the infatilization of adult women – ditto for those baby barrettes. These were paired with heavy, down-to-business boots. Zines as far as the eye can see.

Reality:

Sure. We all wore baby doll dresses with baby barrettes and boots — because Stephanie Tanner did. I’m sure it was different if you were in high school or college, but if you were a kid in the 90s you probably weren’t wearing these fashions to fight the patriarchy with Kathleen Hanna and Courtney Love. You just wanted to look like people on TV.

Music

Myth:

While we wore our sweet tumblr-y fashions, we listened to the latest indie tunes from mix tapes that we ordered from the back of a zine.

Reality:

Celine Dion. Natalie Merchant. A lot of pseudo-intellectualism: “tell me all your thoughts on God,” e.g. Harmonicas without irony. Actually, everything without irony. That’s what separates real 90s style from the (admittedly better) 2010s revival, and the best thing about the decade: we really, earnestly meant all of this.

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What Can I Do During The Government Shutdown?

Posted in Miscellany by

After the last person to leave Congress turns out the lights, the government will be shut down. Pretty sure that’s how it works. If you’re a typical American, you are asking the question you ask when anything happens, ever: what does this mean for ME? We consulted real news sources and are ready to answer your questions:

Can I go to space during the government shutdown?

No, you can’t go to space. But you can go to space camp! Or up in a really high airplane! 80% of NASA is furloughed, so Space is closed. Perhaps you’d like to watch Space Jam instead?

Oh, awesome. I liked the part where you said I could go up in a really high airplane instead. So, I could do that?

Sure! But not if you’re into safety. 3,000 safety inspectors might be furloughed, and when your really high airplane inevitably fails and crashes, the accident investigators will also be furloughed. But if you are willing to take a risk that your plane would have passed a safety inspection, or want your heirs and survivors to have a fun mystery to solve after the crash, then you can still go up in an airplane. It’ll be like the Bobsey Twins! Or Nancy Drew! Those books are at libraries. Libraries were these things you could go to to get books for free, before the government shutdown. They might be closed now.

Flying sounds kind of risky. Can I go to the zoo during the government shutdown instead?

Well…. maybe. Park services will close, so if your zoo is not in the national park system, you’re in the clear. If your nearest zoo is a national park, you want to know a way more fun activity? Load your kids into the SUV, head to the closed zoo, and take a picture of your kids crying in front of it. Then, mail, text, or tweet that photo to the government officials who made this all possible.

What about national parks?

Many of them will close to traffic. But it’s 2013, and you can always look at pictures of nature on the Internet, instead! Also, with guards and staff furloughed at many national parks, you can do one better than touring a national park on the up-and-up. It’s sneakin’ in season! Sneak into Yellowstone! Sneak into the Grand Canyon! Sneak into Yosemite! Fall is in the air, leaves are changing, and it’s the perfect October to have a Huck Finn-esque adventure sneaking onto state land and enjoying the grandeur of nature’s bounty.

Cool. Where else can I sneak into?

Well, the Liberty Bell is closed, so why not sneak in and ring it? You might be able to sneak into the Statue of Liberty, or Ellis Island (just like your ancestors did!).

This government shutdown thing is rough. At least I could eat my feelings?

In America, you can always eat your feelings! But if you get your feelings through WIC (The Special Supplemental Nutrition Program For Women, Infants And Children), that could shut down. So, people with money and adult men, you may continue to eat your feelings. You’ve been getting by without WIC already.

Oooh. But the FDA may suspend inspections, except of meat. You may eat your feelings if you are not on WIC and have a strong intestinal constitution.

I should watch my weight anyway, because I have really bad cancer. It’s the pits. I should really try to get into one of those clinical trials.

Not at the National Institutes of Health, buckaroo! 255 trials for cancer patients will not be taking new patients.

No offense, but this sounds like a big pile of garbage.

No. Washington, DC is a big pile of garbage. Or it will be in a few weeks, because there is only so much money reserved for trash collection. Once it runs out your hardworking Congress members will be suffocated under a growing mountain of waste.

Maybe I should just die. Bury me at a national cemetery when I go.

Not so fast, buddy! The Board of Veterans Affairs is no longer issuing rulings, so there might not be anyone to approve your dignified state burial. However: Getting buried on government land under the cover of darkness is just as illegal as before, but there might not be any guards to catch you!

It’s government shutdown season. At least if you die, the government might not find out that your loved ones secretly buried you on Mount Rushmore.

Live Blog: Hocus Pocus

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by

We’re only a month out from Halloween, and it’s time to start live blogging some Halloween favorites from yesteryear! Unfortunately, there’s no good live blog pun having to do with Halloween. ‘Liveblog-oween?’ ‘Boo! It’s a Liveblog?’ Nothing.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. It’s just that ‘Liveblog-warts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry’ would take up too many characters on Twitter.

For my first selection, I will be liveblogging the seminal Halloween classic, Hocus Pocus. Hocus Pocus was released in 1993, so I’m documenting this both in commemmoration of its 20-year anniversary, and of my lost youth – truly, the scariest thing of all.

  • The curtain opens on sometime in yesteryear. 1600s? 1700s? But don’t worry, the boy (Elijah) has the patented Cute Teenaged Boy From The Mid’90s Haircut. You know the one.

    Shhhh. You know what? I initially had the awkward drawing app I was using as an excuse for spelling beautiful like that. But I did it. I own it. Keeping the live in live blog.

  • He also has the patented Yesteryear Accent. Not quite American, not quite British – so, like the 1600s teen boy version of Katharine Hepburn.
  • Special Effect #1: There is purple smoke coming from the witches’ chimney. It looks like it was drawn on the frame with magic marker
  • I wonder if Bette Midler’s hairline is inspired by Queen Elizabeth I, assuming this is the 1600s. Then I realize that I am probably thinking about this way more than the art director of Hocus Pocus ever did.
  • Special Effect # 2: The glowing blue cauldron looks like dry ice over an LED bulb.
  • Elijah pours the cauldron on Kathy Najimy, Bette Midler, and Sarah Jessica Parker. It has turned green, but still looks like something out of a middle school’s production of Little Shop Of Horrors Junior.
  • The 90s Supporting Actress Sisters have killed (?) Emily, the boy’s sister, and are now young-ish and beautiful-ish.
  • The ladies do a spell, the boy becomes a cat, and I realize how much Sabrina The Teenage Witch has to owe to this fine film. It is possibly the same cat.
  • Sister Mary Patrick, The Rose, and Annie sing. It’s less good than you’d think.
  • The witches will be summoned by a virgin. For almost two decades (!), this movie has been inspiring 7-year-olds to ask awkward questions that their parents totally evade. Well, maybe that was just my parents.
  • The Modern Boy, Max, has the same 90s Hot Boy Hair as the 1600s Boy. He is wearing tie dye and has recently come from California. The early 90s were really into stereotyping Californian teens as peaced out, tye die wearing Haight Ashbury types. Dawn Schaffer, anyone?
  • Female lead – Alison – is sporting some serious Stevie Nicks style. She got off really easy for 1993 hair – narry a mall bang nor spiral perm in sight.
  • TV and movies have me believe that everyone else’s school had a thuggish bully and his dweeby toadie. Did everyone else’s school have those? Maybe mine did, and they just didn’t even know who I was. We meet Salem’s – Jay and Ernie, aka “Ice.”
  • We meet Dani, Max’s little sister, who I’m sure all of you remember is played by Thora Birch. Did you know that Thora’s parents are porn stars? That’s why she has a porn star name. My parents are Irish and named me Molly, Thora’s are porn stars and named her Thora. It’s all about heritage.
  • Max declares that he is dressed as “a rap singer.” He is wearing an LL Bean looking-shirt, some Eddie Bauer-looking jeans, sunglasses, and a Gap baseball hat. Max’s father advises him that his hat should be backwards. Never change, 1993.
  • The symbol on Max’s hat is backwards. Did Lifetime reverse the image for this movie? Or was a backwards G the style of the time?
  • Dani cries on a pile of hay. The hay pile has lit pumpkins on it. The people in this town are such dum-dums, they deserve to get haunted by three witches.
  • I’m not talking about the acting during Dani and Max’s heartwarming sibling chat, because if you can’t say anything nice…
  • Max and Dani are at Allison’s house. From the outside, it looks like my parents’ normal-sized house, but from the inside, it’s an enormous colonial mansion. They’re having a 18th century costume ball and Allison looks like a teen Felicity Merriman.
  • Allison has changed into a cozy, but boxy and unflattering oatmeal colored sweater. Here’s what I want to do. I want to get a screenshot of every outfit like this from the movie. Then, I want to start a tumblr. I’m going to call it You Weren’t There, You Wouldn’t Understand. Every time one of those teen girls posts “90s” fashion on her tumblr, I’m going to tag her so she can see how dopey most of this shit really was. And if she asks me why, I’ll tell her “you weren’t there, you wouldn’t understand.”

    Or actually. Teen girls on the internet are already talking about how to look like her. I just can’t understand anybody who wasn’t alive for Beanie Babies.

  • Inside the haunted house, Fake Salem jumps out and then the house does some special effects at us. Dani informs us that the house is going crazy because a virgin lit the candle. Busted, Max. Although, he’s about 15 years old and dressed like Marshall Darling from Clarissa Explains It All. I think Allison probably figured.
  • Sister Mary Pat calls Dani a “shiksa baby.” So the witches are … Jewish? Now’s as good a time as any to mention that everyone in this whole movie is white.
  • Bette Midler’s mouth in this looks just like Lady Gaga’s mouth in real life. It’s a tiny pursed bunny mouth.
  • OH MY GOODNESS YOU GUYS. “Lasers” are shooting out of Bette’s hands and it looks like it was drawn on in post-production in Gel Pen.

    Come on. You can juuuust barely tell which ones I drew on with my thumb using a free drawing app.

  • The witches will turn to dust in the morning if they don’t use some kind of potion that sucks the youth out of children. So basically, David The Gnome. By the way, in the event I ever end up circle-shaped, I’m just going to say screw it and dress like one of the gnome wives on David The Gnome.
  • Max: “We’re talking about three ancient hags vs. the 20th Century!” Hahaha remember the 20th century? Our phones were attached to walls. If you got lost, you had to find a map, read it, then re-fold it, or talk to a human. When you wanted to know what happened to a washed-up celebrity, you had to write a letter to this column that appeared in the U.S.A. Today Weekend section. I’m going Team Three Ancient Hags. If we were to ever add a third to the blog, that’s what we’d change the name to.
  • The kids are now in the Salem Crypt, which attaches to the sewer. So in Salem, when you die you are more or less flushed down the toilet like a goldfish (people who are reading this who know me IRL: I want to be cremated because I don’t think dead people get to own land, and also because I’ve seen just enough episodes of Bones to know that shit gets real dicey, real fast. What I really want is for them to find a way around the whole dying thing before I get to it, though.)
  • Sometime in this whole hullabaloo, Carrie Bradshaw has straightened her hair.
  • The witches get scared of a bus, and I have to admit it: the whole trope when people from the past get scared of mundane modern stuff never gets old for me. Like, I am the one person who liked The Village. Should I be watching Sleepy Hollow? (I’m totally going to watch the 2 eps of Sleepy Hollow today)
  • Dani calls Max a virgin in front of a cop. Yep, little sibs embarrassing their older siblings by accident is another lame trope I kind of adore. Max says “yeah, I’ll get it tattooed on my forehead, ok”, but he is wearing Male Mom Jeans, and that means he will never have to.
  • The witches meet a lady who is wearing hair curlers, possibly as part of a disheveled housewife costume, but more likely because she’s really a disheveled housewife. I’m sort of bummed that nobody sleeps in curlers in earnest anymore. Lost art and all that.
  • Dani tells her mom what’s going on, and as always, begins her spiel with “Max is a virgin.” Ha. Thora Birch’s parents are porn stars.
  • By the way, the mom is dressed as cone bra-era Madonna. Post that note to You Weren’t There, You Wouldn’t Understand.
  • Musical number! Finally! It includes a weird cheer-type thing in the middle and for a moment, I feel like I’m listenting to Hollaback Girl or Mickey.
  • I’m looking at Bette’s buck teeth and I have to get something off my chest. In second grade, there was a girl in my dance class. She had buck teeth and her name was Allison. In my head, I referred to her as Buckingham Alice.  I was seven. SEVEN. I wish live blogs had been invented then. I was such a charming little girl.
  • Max tells the cat “man, you can’t keep blaming yourself for that. It happened so long ago!” The cat’s talking about Emily’s demise, but Max’s advice sounds just like so many 20-something guys when they are drunk and get going talking about a lost love.
  • Dani makes another reference to Max’s virginity, following the comedy rule of ‘if your movie has one funny thing, you can keep repeating it as many times as you need to.’
  • The bully and his lackey are back, and I have no idea whether Ice’s outfit is a costume or 1993 dress. It’s sort of this orange thing that maybe is supposed to be a pumpkin, or maybe is part of that Kente cloth thing that was happening for a while. Do you want to chime in, girls who were born in 1998? Well, don’t. You weren’t there. You wouldn’t understand.*

*(Bam. Rule of threes.)

  • Max wakes up next to Allison. MAX WAKES UP NEXT TO ALLISON. But – ew – the witches’ creepy book is watching them. And Dani is in the room. And they’re both wearing a crazy amount of clothing (seriously, was it even possible to undress in an attractive way in 1993, with all those flannels and waffle weaves?). AND Max’s alarm clock looks like some kind of a rubix cube. So, all of that points to him still being a virgin. Or Allison being into some sick shit.
  • Fake Salem jumps onto the Witch Book while Max and Allison are reading it. Most realistic thing in the movie thus far. Cats are a bunch of book-blocking douchebags, when you really get down to it.
  • Bradshaw is singing, something about her Garden Of Magic, because this movie is just entendres on entendres. The song sounds almost identical to Once Upon A December from Anastasia.
  • Bette has Dani tied up, and Dani shouts “It doesn’t matter how young or old you are! You sold your soul!” Can I get a sound file of that on my phone? Earlier today I was Groupon-hunting for chemical peels or something to make me look less like I’m slowly decaying from the inside, and I think maybe if I played that clip whenever I pulled stuff like that it would make me stop.
  • This one zombie helps them. He hides Dani in a grave, and you know who I want to be, out of everyone in this whole tale? Dani’s therapist, 20 years in the future. He or she must be very rich.
  • That one zombie’s head falls off. He takes it pretty much in stride, which is amazing considering I lost a huge handful of hair in the shower this morning and I STILL feel kind of iffy about it. He hasn’t been getting much screen time because zombies weren’t as trendy back then.
  • Bette’s still all pissed because Dani called her ugly. Some people really do never move past junior high, huh? If I were a witch and someone called me ugly, I’d just be all “well, I’m a witch, I do what I want.” Or really, even if as a person someone called me ugly, I’d just be all “well, I’m a witch, I do what I want.”
  • Max is sort of 1/3 of the way to being see through, and he looks exactly like a kid who would be on the cover of a Fear Street book.
  • Dani calls her brother jerkface. Good, but not great. Anyone else do compound-insults with their siblings? My brother and I used to go back and forth: Stink festival, Crap factory, Dork-Con 2000. We were in high school at the time.
  • Fake Salem becomes a boy and heads off with Emily, but not before really creepily kissing Dani on the cheek.
  • The film closes on little Dani looking off into the sunset. It’s 1993, and in just 6 short years, we’ll all see her boobs in American Beauty. Everything is gross.

A note: if you like our fictional tumblr from this post, you’ll love our post this upcoming Friday! But there are plenty more 90s posts between now and then, so why don’t you just come back every day instead?

Signature Hairstyles: The Mark Of A Bad Bitch

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There was a time when I thought I was doing everything right to be a competent, professional lady. College? A breeze. Law school? Magna Cum Laude, like a boss (well, okay, I missed summa. But I said boss, not CEO.) Real job? Take that, tough economic times. I even have a shelter dog.

But something was missing. I was tripping on my way up the corporate ladder. I aimed my slingshot at the glass ceiling, only to find it loaded with Nerf pellets. What gives?

Well, there was one power move I seriously overlooked: the signature hairstyle. Throughout history, every lady who has done anything important has had a signature ‘do. It kills me that I’ve wasted 2 years of my career with my hair any-which-length. Learn from my mistakes, and take a cue from these distinctively-coiffed ladies:

Anna Wintour

Anna Wintour, when Princess Diana was alive.

Anna Wintour, hair unchanged 16 years after Princess Diana’s death even though we all swore we’d never be the same again after that.

Anna Wintour’s bob is as precise and razor-sharp as the steel wire that encases the empty place in her chest where her heart used to be (Because hearts are for fat people. Why do you think those heart-shaped boxes are filled with chocolate candy? To make you fatter. What can happen when you get fat, whether externally or with inner fatness? Your heart ATTACKS you. All ties together).

Cher

1966 – just before shit started to get real weird out there.

Well, this is depressing.

Cher’s crazy rich. She’s absurdly famous. And she’s had the same hairdo since the mid-60s. I think she owes her success, in part, to the signature ‘do. Do you think she’d have the same panache with a nice shoulder-length cut with some bangs? You know all that hair can’t be real. At this point she should just start a hair extension company, name it Gypsies, Tramps and Weaves, and be done with it.

Little Edie Beale

I know the theme of the list is successful ladies who have signature ‘dos, and I’d say that Edie fits the bill. If slowly decaying inside of a decrepit mansion surrounded by lots of cats doesn’t sound like your idea of “making it,” just remember that Edie was such a staunch character that she carried a documentary and inspired a telefilm and a musical. Plus, she looked oddly beautiful doing it. So you know what? I think this WOULD be the best costume for the day.

Susan B. Anthony

The B stands for “Badass.” Or possibly “Bun,” because she wore one every day – ending with when she died and starting, I picture, with birth. Suze here reminds us that when you’re really committed to a cause, maybe the best thing is to pick a hairstyle and then never waste your energy thinking about it again. Also that if you work really hard for something, and commit 40 or so years to it, then maybe a few decades after you die it’ll happen!

(Screw that; I’m not even patient enough to ever let my microwave timer run all the way down.)

Diana RossTo paraphrase Mean Girls, we all know why Diana Ross’s hair is so big – it’s full of secrets. As in, the secrets to success. If you look at old pictures of Ms. Ross, it almost seems like every year her hair gets bigger and bigger. It’s like it absorbs the love of her supporters and the scorn of her detractors, so that none of it gets to Diana.

Mary, Mother Of God

Look. I’m not trying to get into one of those “mommy wars” where we debate whether raising children is a job. I don’t need to. When, for 33 years, your full-time business was raising God – changing God’s diapers, sitting through God’s Little League banquets, silently judging God’s date to the Freshman Formal – I’m calling it: it’s a job. Mary is also the only person on our list whose ‘do is actually iconic. Like, in the literal sense: she appears on a bunch of religious icons. While not a “hair” do in the traditional sense, always styling your hair underneath the same long veil is a hair statement, and the gal never wavered.

Barbara Walters

Babs, 1975

Babs, present day.

Think of a classic wardrobe staple – let’s say, a blue blazer. In any time in recent history, you could have worn a blue blazer and looked legit. Sure, in the 70s the lapel would have been bigger, and in the 90s it would have been a boxier cut, but it’s still a blue blazer.

That’s Barbara Walters’ hair. There have been some variations on the theme through the decades, but if you scalped Barbara Walters and put her hair on a mannequin -whether in 1975 or 1992 or 2013 – you’d see it and say “yep, someone scalped Barbara Walters, I guess. And this is her hair.”

Sarah Palin

Hair as tall, shining and majestic as the peaks of Denali.

I don’t care what your politics are, you have to admit that this is some power hair. The biggest boon to Palin’s run for national office -and, possibly, the biggest drawback – was hair so distinctive that you could dress as her for Halloween without really trying very hard.

Whoopi Goldberg

If we have two panel members from The View on this list, it’s only because getting paid to sit in a semi-circle and talk over people is the true meaning of “having it all.” The last time I sat around every morning with my peers talking about the events of the day, I was in kindergarten, and I wasn’t getting paid for it. It was called Circle Time. Anyway, Goldberg is so known by her unwavering, tidy dreadlocks that when you see her with straightened, loose hair in Sister Act, it’s kind of unnerving.

Marie Antoinette

Ya know … maybe if people are about to behead you you shouldn’t make your head look so damn showy.

While I painstakingly catalog every premature gray on my head, Marie Antoinette was powdering her entire enormous wig. She knew what the rest of us haven’t figured out: Gray hair has gravitas. It has dignity. It has flair. It… will not keep the proletariat from chopping your head off. So remember, while you’re cultivating your signature ‘do, don’t neglect the little people – or the little people might kill you.

Louise Brooks (Counter-Example)

Louise Brooks, in her heyday.

Louise Brooks, in her dotage.

Louise Brooks had THE iconic bob in the 20s. She was also the toast of Hollywood. Then in old age, she grew her hair long and ditched the bangs. Result? She died in our hometown of Rochester, NY. See, that’s what happens when grow out your signature hairstyle. You become a reverse Samson, losing your power because you stop cutting your hair.

Celebs Who Are About To Get Killed By Their Exotic Pets

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One of the earliest lessons of childhood is that certain animals don’t belong in your house. This message was reinforced everywhere. In the American Girl books, Kirsten’s house got destroyed because she brought a baby raccoon inside and he went HAM and burned their house down using his tail as a tiny torch of destruction. Children’s books teach lessons, and I guess the American Girl company thought that “don’t bring weird-ass animals into your house” was still a relevant one in the early 90s. In that one Full House episode, Danny’s heretofore-unheard of sister showed up with her monkey and it got lost. There are even real-life community standards against owning odd-as-shit animals:  the family on my street with the ferrets were treated to open scorn, because ferrets were illegal in our parts. Besides, those animals were little weaselly assholes.

Despite these lessons, some people just don’t get it. Remember a few years ago when that guy owned a menagerie and he set them free and they all got shot? Or that woman whose face got mauled off by her friend’s chimp? Sure, she got a face transplant, and I’d say all’s well that ends well, but there’s somebody else’s FACE on her FACE now and I’m not ready to act like that’s okay.

Here are some famous pet owners who should know better. But since they don’t, I’m here to tell them: you’re bouts to get killed by your exotic pet.

Mike Tyson: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Tiger

Recently Mike Tyson got head butted by his pet tiger. The cork at the top of this champagne problem? It knocked the gold teeth right out of Tyson’s mouth. Still, the fighter has reported that he sleeps with his tiger, answering the question posed by the 90s tv movie “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?” with a resounding YES.

Kristen Stewart: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Half Dog/ Half Wolf

The only surprising thing about Kristen Stewart owning a dog/wolf hybrid is that I can’t imagine Kristen Stewart caring enough to go out and buy a dog/wolf hybrid. I sort of picture her out on her porch smoking weed with a dog/wolf watching her longingly from the side of her yard. She turns to go in and the dog/wolf is at her heels. Stewart looks at the dog/wolf, shrugs, and lets him in behind her. They live apathetically ever after. Until he freaking KILLS her because that is a WOLF Kristen. It’s a wolf. And in real life, wolves don’t turn into handsome muscular teenage boys. They turn into a thing that is eating your still-living flesh.

Justin Bieber: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Capuchin Monkey

Justin Bieber bought a Capuchin monkey, abandoned it in Germany, then was ordered by the nation of Germany to pay monkey support. If there’s one country that I would NOT want to get into a child support relationship with, it’s Germany. They’re stern. That, or one of those countries that people always parental-kidnap their children to. Now Bieber’s monkey is a stern German, too. Plus monkeys are crazy. Watch your back in Berlin, Biebs. That Capuchin monkey is going to revenge kill you.

Nicolas Cage: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Octopus

Octopuses are kind of cute. Until they squirt ink in your eye and strangle you with their tentacles. Before you know it, the last thing you see before you die is the undercarriage of an octopus. And the only time that should be the last thing you see is if you’re an old, married octopus having an affair with a young female octopus and you have a heart attack during octopus sex and that’s how you die.

Melanie Griffith and Tippi Hedren From The Past: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Lion

In the Wizard of Oz, there’s a good reason that the song didn’t go “Lions and Tigers and Bears, You Know, Those Would Be Fun To Have Live In My House With Me.” The Griffith-Hedren clan loved a good lion photo op. Lions in bed with the child! Lions roaring at us in the pool! Lions taking up too much space on the kitchen floor as the maid gets juice from the fridge! Only by the grace of God was the final photo op not “Lions Eating All Of Us With Their Enormous Bone-Crushing Jaws.”

Tracy Morgan: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By Those Sharks

I saw that movie Soul Surfer. It made getting your limb torn off by a shark seem normal, inspirational even. But I ALSO saw that movie Sharknado, so I know that Sharks could kill you – and the fact that sharks live in water, and you’re on land, doesn’t help you. Some day, that tank is going to break and then Tracy Morgan is bouts to get killed by that shark.

Michael Jackson From The Past: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Chimpanzee

It’s all fun and games until a chimp eats your face and you have to raze all of your original facial features and rebuild them and regrow your skin in goodness knows what color. Actually, you know what? Never mind. As you were, Mr. Jackson.

Vanilla Ice: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Wallaroo

A wallaby/kangaroo hybrid sounds like a really cute pet, right? Especially when you name him Bucky Buckaroo, like Vanilla Ice did. But you know how you get a little nervous when a large, friendly dog jumps up on a tiny person because it could knock them over? Imagine if instead of a large, friendly dog the jumping animal was a mutant kangaroo. Vanilla Ice, you’re bouts to suffer extensive head trauma when that wallaroo knocks you over.

Audrey Hepburn From The Past: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Baby Deer

Whenever I find myself looking a little TOO Etsy-and-twee, I think to myself “girl, you look like you would have a pet baby deer that you feed out of a mason jar. And that baby deer only listens to vinyl. Shit. That baby deer wears a loooot of ModCloth.” Sure, a tiny fawn seems like the perfect Manic Pixie Dream Pet. However, those of us who live in deer country know how un-cute it is to get a deer-sized dent pounded out of your car. Audrey Hepburn from the past is bouts to get into a driveway crash because of that fawn.

Steven Tyler: You’re Bouts To Get Killed By That Raccoon

Well. SOMEONE didn’t read Changes For Kirsten. Hide your oil lamps, Aerosmith.

Be My BFF: A Love Letter To Rhoda Morgenstern (And Valerie Harper, Too)

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I’m a Rhoda, not a Mary. If you’re a classic tv fan, an old person, or both, you’ll remember Mary Richards and Rhoda Morgenstern as one of the sitcom world’s best buddy duos on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Mary was sort of the straight man, and eminently sweet and lovable. Rhoda was sassy, self-deprecating, others-deprecating (is that a thing?) and had a disastrous dating life.

I watched Mary Tyler Moore repeats as a kid, but it was by and large a “grown-up” show to me. See, I could watch shows about adults in my era (see: Friends), but a bunch of adults in the 70s didn’t really resonate with me. Now that I’m a young professional, The Mary Tyler Moore show is my life. Since college, my friend and I have even used “throwing our hats in the air” as a catchall expression for just generally succeeding at life.

 

Rhoda Morgenstern probably reminds you of either yourself or one of your friends (in which case you’re a Mary, and likely far more likable and bubbly than I am). When prepping for a beauty contest, Rhoda introduced herself: “My favorite hobbies are cheerleading, liking people, and living in America.” Still, Mary always had the good luck, as Rhoda informed her on a down day: “You’re having a lousy streak. I happen to be having a terrific streak. Soon the world will be back to normal. Tomorrow you will meet a crown head of Europe and marry. I will have a fat attack, eat 3000 peanut butter cups and die.” Then, there’s the voice-over from season one of Rhoda:

Whomever decided that a voice-over monolog would make a good theme song was freaking crazy. It was the 70s, and everyone was just kind of trying things I guess. But still. Rhoda. I love Rhoda.

Not to mention, the gal could really pull off a turban.

Of course, there’s no Rhoda without Valerie Harper. The fact is, Harper’s pretty great in her own right. She got her start touring with Second City, and appeared on the super-60s (but still funny) comedy album When You’re In Love The Whole World Is Jewish. She ran for SAG president but lost to Melissa Gilbert, which isn’t even really fair because who could vote against Half-Pint Ingalls, except for Nellie Freaking Olsen? Harper even advocated for the ERA in the 70s, and you can tell that I have the boundless, baseless optimism of someone who was raised in Buffalo Bills territory, because every time it’s introduced I’m like “you know, maybe this is our year.” In 2006, she called Britney Spears a “Disney Hooker.” Harper also offered one of my favorite bits of life advice:

“Stop working so hard at being interesting and focus on what’s outside yourself. There are universes out there that need to be explored. And, an interested person is extremely interesting.”

This fall, Valerie Harper has advanced cancer and a reality tv contract – because she’s Rhoda Morgenstern and she does what she wants. So, on Monday I  voluntarily watched Dancing With The Stars even though I am not a suburban lady in my early 60s. I’ll keep watching as long as she’s on the show – and possibly longer if Bill Nye and Jessie Spano make it farther. I was a 90s kid, after all. I’m not watching because it’s amazing that Harper is responding unbelievably well to treatment, or inspiring that she’s undertaking a serious dance regimen on top of a serious illness. I’m watching because Rhoda Morgenstern was hilarious, and so is the woman who plays her. Which means that – at the very least – if a routine is really awful, or someone falls down, or the costumes are atrocious, I think we can count on her for some witty, Rhoda-like commentary.

[Ed. note: This was initially written to appear this past Monday, but was postponed to write about one of our other favorite funny ladies. I don’t think Valerie Harper cares, though. Meaning: I don’t think she’s one of our readers. But, the delay allowed me to watch DWTS before posting, and Harper did not disappoint. But would it have killed them to put her in a turban? For old time’s sake, I mean.]

All Hail The Queen: Famous People On Amy Poehler

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Happy Amy Poehler Day! In celebration of the birthday of our favorite comedienne/life guru/producer/queen, we offer a collection of things other celebrities have said about Amy. After all, the best way to know that a person is awesome is if everyone who knows them says so (but let’s be real, those opinions hold a lot more weight coming from a famous person. No offense to your non-famous friends; sure they’re great). In case you’re wondering, the second-best way is for the person to just straight-up tell everyone that they’re awesome. Or, I guess just to consistently be fantastic and see if people catch on. poehler

Let’s take this September 16 to remind ourselves to live in such a way that this is how people talk about us behind our backs:

Aziz Ansari

I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.

Vanessa Bayer (describing her first night on SNL):

Yeah, I was so emotional. I started tearing up. It was so surreal. I actually stayed on stage because I wanted to hug Amy Poehler. She was the host that week, and I wanted to thank her because she was such a wonderful person to work with. So I gave her a hug, and I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I said something like, ‘It was amazing to do my first show with you,’ and she held my hand and walked offstage with me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. She was so kind and generous.

Matt Besser:

These days you don’t think of Amy as a female comedian, you just think of her as a comedian, and I think that’s a plus. And she didn’t go for that whole notion that women are not treated fairly. She was just like “I’m just going to do my best and not give a shit,” and it worked. She didn’t care about being pretty and dainty on stage, or charming, or all those things you might say about a successful sitcom actress, a prototypical one. She could be weird or nasty or ugly or whatever. Those are things that guys more typically do. But really it’s what a comedian should do and that’s why she is.

Rachel Dratch (when asked about the “inordinate” amount of page space devoted to Amy Poehler in her book, Girl Walks Into A Bar):

I guess she just has a good aura. People gravitate to it. She’s very supportive and she’s got a good combo of being cool enough that she’s one of the guys, but she’s also sensitive and wise.

Tina Fey (in Bossypants, a book that was a decoy answer on Million Second Quiz this week. If you’re reading this more than 2 months in the future, maybe Google what that was. Jimmy Fallon objected to a gross bit Amy was doing and she totally shut him down):

With that exchange, a cosmic shift took place. Amy made it clear that she wasn’t there to be cute. She wasn’t there to play wives and girlfriends in the boys’ scenes. She was there to do what she wanted to do and she did not fucking care if you like it. I was so happy. Weirdly, I remember thinking, ‘My friend is here! My friend is here!’ Even though things had been going great for me at the show, with Amy there, I felt less alone.

Kathryn Hahn

It all starts with [Amy] Poehler. She’s such an incredible number one to have on a contact sheet, on a cast list. Cream just rises. She’s such a stud and such a nice person. She’s a goddess. I worshipped her before, and I worship her even more after seeing how she behaves on a set

Mamrie Hart:

I love women with balls, and Amy’s got the biggest sack swinging in Hollywood at the moment. She really doesn’t give a shit if people don’t agree with her on a subject.

Rashida Jones:

I would go gay for her. It doesn’t seem fair that I get to work with her. I love her unconditionally.

Mindy Kaling (describing the time during her brief, not-awesome guest writing gig on SNL when Amy made her come out with the other writers and actors):

But when this popular, pretty genius made this kind gesture to me? That’s the moment I started adoring Amy Poehler. She knew I was going to be a coward, and she was going to have to gently facilitate me into being social… When I said something even a little bit funny, Amy cackled warmly. (This sounds weird, but that’s the best way I know to describe Amy Poehler’s laugh: a warm, intoxicating cackle.)

Seth Meyers:

  • We started together on the same day and we just hit it off right away. On our fourth show, we did this scene called “Little Sleuths”—they were like Encyclopedia Brown solving real murders—and we thought it was going to be this big franchise and were already seeing the Little Sleuths action figures in the NBC Experience Store. It got cut from dress, like, five times and it never aired again. We always said that the one case the Little Sleuths couldn’t solve is what the fuck happened to the Little Sleuths.
  • She’s this incredible combination of warm, silly, and smart, which I think makes her such an engaging performer… There’s just no meanness to anything Poehler does. Her outlook and attitude about how to work, and how to be funny, are contagious.

Nick Offerman (referencing multiple FNL characters in a transparent and successful attempt to make me fall in love with him):

I met Amy in the early 90′s and she is like a superhero mixed with both Coach and Tammie Taylor from FNL, as well as Tim Riggins and a little Landry.

Jim O’Heir (while campaigning for Amy as Best Lead Actress In A Comedy Series):

Amy’s awesome. Yeah. You know, I guess when you get the most lines on the show, you get nominated for awards. Put another one on her shelf… How about someone saying Hey Jim, How’s it been for you, Jim? Amy’s awesome. And I’m rooting for her to get that Emmy. I hope you win… you son of a bitch.

Aubrey Plaza:

She’s already kind of my girlfriend, and I’m not saying that in a jokey way. We had a moment last year, late at night, when we decided we were gonna end up together. For now, we have to let boys come and go, but we’re kind of in love.

 Bill Poehler (Amy’s dad):

She would just jump in and succeed or fail—it wouldn’t matter. Once, in the fourth grade, the principal was on stage and he had the mike up high. Then little Amy walks across, goes up to the mike, grabs the little knob, twists it, pulls it down, and I said to myself, Oh my God, she has no stage fright whatsoever.

 Eileen Poehler (Amy’s mom):

We recently went to “Parks and Rec,” and our biggest thrill is hearing how much the crew, from the girl who cleans the trailer to the driver to the director, like working with Amy. How good she is to everyone. She’s the same girl. We’re really proud of that.

Chris Pratt:

I disagree that talented people are nice to be around. No. I’m serious. Especially when they’re number one on the call sheet. It’s the truth. Most of time when someone is really talented and they’re the top dog actor, the first name that comes up on the screen, basically, Amy’s position on this, they’re not always nice. And the fact that you are, and the fact that you made everybody feel good, and you always laugh at jokes, I’ve never seen you in a bad mood, it all rolls down hill. This whole family vibe and everyone getting along well, it comes from you. It has always come from you.

Maya Rudolph:

If you go to eat with Amy, it’s like, “Alright, let’s order. Does everybody know what they are going to get?” She’s in charge, she’s the leader, she’s like, “We’re not wasting any time, let’s do this.” And in the most loving way, I can say, she’s incredibly bossy. And I fucking love that about her. And I love the combination of the fact that she is a teeny tiny person and she’s really tough.

Retta:

Well, Mike Schur is the boss, but we call Amy our fearless leader. I think whoever the lead of the show is dictates what the set is like. Amy is always planning nights out for us. She’s just so cool, she’s not a diva. English directors when they come in want to do tons and tons of takes. And I can tell she wants to wrap it up but she just says “sure” because she wants them to be comfortable.

Andy Samberg:

Amy is beloved by all. That’s her secret move. No one doesn’t like her… I came in when Amy was kind of in the middle of her run. I would say her and Seth, maybe more than anyone, really looked out for me and took me under their wing and made sure I was doing OK.

Michael Schur:

There is exactly one thing in the entire range of acting that Amy Poehler does not do well: impressions. So we make her do them constantly.

Adam Scott

It was intimidating at first, but she’s so cool and down to earth, that it immediately went away. Still, when I’m working with her, I’m, you know, taken aback by how good she is and how hilarious she is and quick and all of that. It sounds kind of lame to say, but I do learn from her a lot, you know, when we’re working together. She would think that’s lame, but it is true that I’m kind of in awe of how great she is.

Mike Scully

Amy Poehler is the funniest person on TV, period. The fact that she’s the nicest is a bonus.

Emily Spivey

Amy’s a hero. I cannot think of anyone who’s done more, in my opinion, in front of the camera and behind the scenes for ladies than Amy. If I could make a lady comedy flag, it would have Amy Poehler’s face on it. She’s just amazing. She’s a little blond girl, but she’s gonna fucking get this done. And everyone’s in love with Amy. She has a way just making everyone- boys and girls- feel so comfortable and confident in not only what she’s doing but what they’re doing.

Taylor Swift (on Poehler’s shortcomings as a human being in general):

There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.

Casey Wilson:

Amy Poehler’s like a cheerleader—kind of like a mama bear. She wanted the other women to succeed and that’s trickled down to Kristen, and then trickled down to me. I think people want there to be some sort of feud or tension, but it’s like “Why can only one of us do well?” One time I remember we were doing a “Mad Men” sketch, and I was playing the redhead. And I had a funny bit where basically I came in and dropped off some papers, but I didn’t have a line. It wasn’t even Amy’s sketch, but she piped up and said to the writers, “Let’s give Casey a funny line when she comes in.” She didn’t have to do that.