Playlist of the Month: Songs for Politicians

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Generally, November is a big month for politics, with Election Day and all. But this year our November was filled with the stuff late night talk show hosts dream of. From Chris Christie to cracktown’s Mayor Rob Ford, there was no shortage of politicians to take aim at. Keeping up with the spirit of democracy, here is a list of songs we think would fit American politicians – whether they be disgraced or not.

Click here for the whole playlist on Spotify!

Traci’s Picks

Barack Obama – Can’t Get Enough of Your Love by Barry White

I feel like the President gets all kinds of Barry White on Michelle behind White House doors, and I realize this may seem awkward and weird, but let’s be honest, we’ve all thought about it. So I’m just putting it out there. Just picture him mouthing the words along with B White in the beginning…

Larry Craig – I Love the Nightlife by Alicia Bridges

We talked about this Idaho Senator last week and we’re going to keep on talking about him, even though it’s been six years since he was arrested for lewd conduct in a men’s restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport and soliciting an undercover cop for sex. Again, I’m not saying he’s gay… but… I will say that there’s a reason I picked this *disco* song that may or may not be a staple at various clubs where people of the same sex hookup… Definitely not saying that.

Joe Biden – All Eyez on Me by 2Pac

Our Vice President gets a lot of flack, but there’s a reason why Leslie Knope has such a huge infatuation with him – he’s got swag. Lots of it.

Eliot Spitzer – Still Not a Player by Big Pun

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer reportedly had at least seven sexy meetups with prostitutes from a hooker agency (it actually has a name) over the period of six months, paying more than $15,000 for their services. And that was just during the time he was under surveillence. He allegedly had been doing it for years, splurging up to $80,000 for prostitutes, first as attorney general and later as the governor. 

He resigned from his post in 2008, only to be followed by everyone’s favorite legally blind politician, David Paterson.

Wendy Davis – Who Run the World (Girls)

If I have to explain this to you, you should probably just leave this blog right now. Or if you’re from somewhere outside the U.S. and don’t keep up with American politics, just know this woman is a fierce politician who must have legs of steel.

Molly’s Picks

Rob Ford – Sorry by Nerf Herder

As Ford becomes a walking Chris Farley character, his mistakes get bigger and weirder. Running through city hall drunk? Using coke in a “drunken stupor?” Knocking over a city councilwoman like an excited Great Dane? It’s not too much of a stretch to imagine Ford doing everything in this song – then issuing one of his daily apologies. What can I do? It’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over.

Bill Clinton – Rico Suave by Gerardo Mejia

Listen, you don’t earn a nickname like Slicky Willy without being really, almost cartoonishly smooth – just like Rico Suave. Clinton’s not a big ol’ cad like the guy in this song, but some of the lyrics work pretty well for a suave, swoon-worthy politician (What? I know it’s not just me.) Seguro que han oido que yo soy educado…

Mitt Romney – Rockin’ The Suburbs by Ben Folds

Mitt Romney is squeaky-clean in that well-off suburban Mormon way. He wasn’t pictured grabbing a beer with constituents on the campaign trail, but he sure did enjoy a good ice cream cone. When he lost in 2012, SNL showed him drowning his sorrows in milk. I think a lot of Romney’s supporters were clean-living suburbanites, too. But of course, a politician has to show that he understands the problems of the common man. Or, as Ben Folds wrote “y’all don’t know what it’s like being male, middle class and white.” You keep on rocking those suburbs, Mr. Romney.

Al Gore – Big Yellow Taxi by Counting Crows feat. Vanessa Carlton

Gore’s points about environmentalism and global warming are well-taken. It’s just that his delivery – both with his environmental politics and his presidential run – is not very compelling. So, he’s pretty much the human version of a mild-mannered 2000s cover of a mild-mannered 1960s Save the Earth song.

Sarah Palin – Stupid Girls by Pink

In 2012, CNN played this song to introduce a Sarah Palin segment and a minor kerfuffle ensued. However, it does kind of … work. Pink wasn’t singing about people with low IQs, she was talking about  ladies who put on a dumb persona because they think people will like them more. I think Palin did the same thing — I doubt she’s an actual dummy judging by her credentials, but I think she thinks the stupid act is endearing. Dumb isn’t cute.

Happy 150th Anniversary, Gettysburg Address!

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Today marks the 150th anniversary of The Gettysburg Address – that’s seven score and ten years ago, for you Lincolnophiles. I know: it feels like we celebrated the last Gettysburg Address anniversary days ago – but bam!, it’s November 19th again. We’d love to give an iconic oration wearing a top hat in commemoration of the anniversary, but we can’t – we don’t have a top hat. However, we can offer you the following ten tidbits about the speech, from videos to historical facts to personal anecdotes.

  • There are only two photographs of Lincoln at the Gettysburg Address.

Nobody can agree on which black and white blob he is, though.

This one is definitely Abe.

One of these guys is Lincoln. I have the same reaction to this as I do to ultrasound pictures and Magic Eye books – just pretending I see it so we can all move on. Smithsonian.com has a fun interactive feature so you can decide for yourself.

  • The Gettysburg Address and I go way back.

Nerd Confession: I took it upon myself to memorize the Gettysburg Address when I was seven. In all honesty, it was less because I’m a nerd, and more because I’m an idiot. In my elementary school, the primary grades stood in lines inside the foyer in the morning before the bell rang. Picture a big, drafty Edwardian brick school – very A Little Princess. A bronze plaque displaying the Gettysburg Address hung outside of a set of double doors. One day, one of the sassier nuns joked that in third grade we would all be tested on the Address.  I had a serious Hermione Granger streak, and was also just stupidly gullible. “Better get started now!,” I thought. So, I memorized it, like a nerdy little idiot.

  • In a video for an upcoming Ken Burns project, celebs and former presidents recite the address.

This is probably the classiest video mashup ever. There’s more at Burns’ website, Learn the Address.  I know I’ve mentioned my feelings about Ken Burns around these parts before, but let’s just file it under “weird crush” for now. Except in my mind’s eye he looks like Richard Attenborough, which come to think of it is also weird.

  • The Address was met with mixed reviews:

The Chicago Sun Times : “The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly flat and dishwattery remarks of the man who has to be pointed out as the President of the United States. … Is Mr. Lincoln less refined than a savage? … It was a perversion of history so flagrant that the most extended charity cannot view it as otherwise than willful.”

The London Times: “The ceremony was rendered ludicrous by some of the sallies of that poor President Lincoln. Anything more dull and commonplace it would not be easy to produce.”

There were plenty of glowing reviews as well, of course. It just goes to show — next time you give a presentation and get a lukewarm reception, you should tell everyone to give it a good hundred, hundred and fifty years to sink in.

Don’t forget the Kentucky accent, either! Not exactly the booming, dignified delivery I’ve always imagined. Lincoln died 12 years before Edison invented audio playback (thanks for nothing, John Wilkes Booth!), but historical reports show that it took listeners a good ten minutes to adjust to how freaking weird his voice was.

  • Lincoln didn’t write the speech on the train from Washington, D.C. to Gettysburg

…despite what your fifth-grade teacher told you. This does make you feel a little better that you spent your last train ride watching Netflix and playing Candy Crush instead of writing one of the most celebrated speeches in history, at least.

  • The place that Lincoln gave the Address is probably now the middle of a graveyard.

By one recent analysis, the speech was given right here:

It almost definitely wasn’t given at the location of the Lincoln Address Memorial at Gettysburg, even though your tour guide probably told you that when you were eight years old and too young to know that your family took lame vacations (source: my past).

  • While it’s too bad we’ll never hear Lincoln’s shrill little Southern baby-voice deliver the Address

… some folks have been listening to it for the past 150 years. I’m talking about ghosts. If you’re into that sort of thing, Gettysburg is supposed to be one of the most haunted locations in the United States. Word has it that the undead are a little bit sick of hearing the whole fourscore spiel every November.

  • Lincoln got about as good a night’s sleep before the Gettysburg Address as you did on Spring Break in Panama Beach.

According to contemporary accounts, there was a party atmosphere in Gettysburg the night before the dedication. Bands played all night, and drunk revelers shouted. Groupies serenaded Lincoln until he came out of his room, and then they begged him to speak. If iPhones had been invented, you know they would have been taking selfies with him. The crowds were more or less the 19th century version of those kids on your college break singing Golddigger til 4 am.

  • The Gettysburg Address fits almost perfectly to the tune of Firework by Katy Perry

There are several videos on Youtube, mostly for school projects. Should I tell them that that nun was lying and you don’t really need to learn it?

Whatareyoudoinghere: Unexpected Guest Stars of Spice World

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At the height of Spice Girls mania, the fivesome from England made a huge risk by venturing onto the big screen with a film about their lives. It made $77 million worldwide, and while it was monetarily successful, it didn’t translate into positive reviews. Imagine my astonishment when I found out it only got a 3.0 RATING on iMDb!!! Alright, maybe not THAT surprising, but for what it was, it was actually not that bad. I’m not saying it was on Beatles level with A Hard Day’s Night, but it certainly wasn’t From Justin to Kelly.

Ask any fan of the Spice Girls/pop music what they think of the movie today, and if their answer isn’t ‘best movie ever made in the history of movies’ then immediately stop talking to that person, smack them in the face, and cut them out of your life immediately. But really, it’s better than you think. I mean why else would all these celebs sign up to do it (besides you know, the money, general exposure, etc.). Here are some folks who popped up in Spice World that you may have forgotten about – so after reading this, you might as well just watch it all over again.

Meatloaf

Things Meatloaf would do for love: act as the tour bus driver to the Spice Girls in a critically panned movie.

Alan Cumming

You may know him from Broadway or on The Good Wife, but he also was an annoying documentary filmmaker chasing the SG around London.

Elvis Costello

He may be British, but honestly, Elvis Costello is the last person I ever would have guessed to be in this movie.

Stephen Fry

The actor/writer/comedian played an old-timey judge, because the producers basically just felt the need to include every possible British celebrity they could get.

Bob Geldof

The musician/producer of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmastime’ was forced to do his hair exactly like Scary Spice – and you can thank his daughters for that. Apparently they were big fans and the sole reason he decided to take on the role. So, thanks Peaches.

Elton John

Honestly, Elton being in this for 2 seconds mad more sense to me than Elvis Costello. Still not over that.

Hugh Laurie

Before he was diagnosing non-Lupus on House and talking to Rachel Green about Ross’ wedding and ‘Pheebs’ on Friends, Hugh showed up in Spice World

Roger Moore

James motherfreaking Bond. 007 acted in the same movie as the SPICE GIRLS, Y’ALL.

Jennifer Saunders

In Spice World and still staying Ab Fab, darling.

George Wendt

Norm was forced to leave Cheers, so without a bar to go to, he decided to become a film producer instead.

Dominic West

Jimmy McNulty from The Wire is barely recognizable in this super short scene, but needless to say, it’s one of my faves from the entire movie.

The girls (and the special effects engineers) thank you for your time.

It’s Been a Bad Week for Jessica Spano

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As you may (or may not) know, Elizabeth Berkley is one of the cast members of this season’s Dancing with the Stars.

That is until she unexpectedly got kicked off the show on Monday. Oops. Sorry. “Spoiler Alert”.

Elizabeth has been a frontrunner the entire season, getting TWO perfect scores. And her cumulative score from the judges lands her at third place, so theoretically, this means she should have an easy entry into the semi-finals and even the finals, but because America gets to weigh in, this wasn’t the case. Looks like Elizabeth’s SBTB and Showgirls fans didn’t vote enough to beat out all of middle America and the southern states who are voting for Bill Engvall. Like, really.

Most notably this season, Elizabeth recreated her famous “I’m so excited!” scene from SBTB, and it was weird and awkward and awesome all at the same time.

Note to self: never take “Jive Pills”. Or do, because it’s freaking me out how it doesn’t look like she’s changed one bit in over 20 years. IDK anymore.

But lest we forget from whence she came. Elizabeth may not be the winner of the mirrorball trophy on DWTS, but she’ll always be a winner in our hearts.

The video that made one of the best girl groups of all time

It’s worth noting that they were called ‘Hot Sundae’, not ‘Jesse and The Sundaes’. Come on.

Buddy Bands: Hey, They Work.

Jessie, resident dancer, helps teach Zack how to dance.

Looks like little Lizzie is enjoying the dance a little too much.

Jessie and Zack: The couple that never was?

Powerhouse Preppies for the win (click pic for video!)

Jessie shows off her skills in ‘band’ class

In which the gang pretends to know how to play instruments (click pic for video!)

Bonus vid: MTV2’s brilliant promo vid for SBTB.

Bonus vid #2: Rare interview with the kids before the show got super popular. Why do Mario and Elizabeth look exactly the same 20+ years later? Time-travelling demons.

A Quiverfull of Creepy: Inside The Vision Forum Catalog

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 If you don’t look into the Duggar lifestyle that closely, it seems sort of adorable. Babies everywhere! Sisters sharing a Madeline-style dormitory!  Modern modest! Enter the Quiverfull movement.  The Duggars – and their whole movement – are like an onion. If you peel back enough layers, you’re going to want to start crying. Hey, it can’t all be calico dresses and alliterative baby names.

Quiverfull is a branch of Evangelical Christianity that advocates having as many children as possible, “Biblical patriarchy,” keeping moms at home, homeschooling, modesty (read: terrible dresses), a husband’s “dominion” over his wife, and long hair for ladies. They think dinosaurs lived with people. They think modern music is unconscionable- even modern Jesus music (I think most modern Jesus music is unconscionable too, but that’s on grounds of taste). They believe in Courtship, not dating. They don’t even call it ‘going a-courtin’,’ which is a real shame.

Quiverfull is in the news this week because prominent Quiver-filler (?), Doug Phillips, had an affair, and now one of the biggest Quiverfull organizations, Vision Forum Ministries, has crumbled as a result.

Fortunately, Vision Forum’s for-profit catalog is still alive and kicking. VF has great merch – and I don’t say that lightly. I grew up Catholic, and not to brag, but we really have the market on religious merch cornered — medals, statues, scapulars, car charms – you want it, we sell it. Vision Forum (RIP) comes in a close second though. You may be grateful that you’re not a Duggar, but look at the accessories you’re missing out on!

Boys

Marshmallow Mini-Bow

I don’t know what this has to do with raising Godly young men, but combining Nerf with The Hunger Games with junk food is genius.

All-American Boy’s Crossbow

The website quite literally suggests shooting squirrels with this, so I guess you could buy this and do that? This bow is good for “target practice” and “developing hand-eye coordination.” Oh, how I love the VF copywriters!

Climbing Set (Grappling Hook, Claws, and Boot Spikes)

I would have flipped over this when I was … not a boy. Never was a boy. Dammit.  My favorite copy-writer says “Best yet, it is rated to over 300 pounds,” so this is also okay for an adult or an enormous child.

Frontier Tomahawk

There are so many tools of war (toy tools of war) in the boys’ section, it’s hard to know what to pick. It’s also hard to know exactly how these are supposed to relate to Jesus’s message of peace and all that, but I’m not a theological scholar. Copy guy (I’m assuming guy because, you know, job) says “Our Frontier Tomahawk can be thrown into a wooden target or used as a camp hatchet. The cutting edge of forged steel is 3″ deep and may require additional sharpening.” The text is followed by a disclaimer that this is not a toy, and then an image of an unsupervised 6-8 year old boy in a coonskin cap about to throw the instrument of death across the prairie.

Girls

American Mothers Doll Dress Set

We grew up on the American Girls Collection, not American Mothers, but Vision Forum is all “cut to the chase, bitches.” Is Abigail Adams big among the fundamentalist homeschooling set? Or like, with children in general maybe? Learn something new every day.

Fidelia Doll

Again, the copy writer really shines here. “Your daughters will spend countless blissful hours of “mommy practice” as they care for their little playmates.When a girl plays with a doll, she is preparing to be a mommy someday.” By that logic, when I was playing with dolls as a child, I was preparing to be the world’s worst hairdresser someday.

Dayspring: Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

This book is written by a 13-year-old, so I won’t go too hard on it. It’s about how fetuses are people too, and if I had read this book as a small child, there is a 100% chance that I would have gotten myself sterilized by now. From the author – describing Dayspring, the title character, an embryo:  She talks and eats, she experiences feelings such as disgust, excitement, dizziness, and even smugness. Also, she is already developing her talent of gymnastics.

YIKES, y’all. Babies? I like babies. They’re like adorable, incontinent people. But pregnancy sounds scary enough without thinking that the child that’s leaching your calcium stores also feels smug about it. And a gymnast? The only reason a smug gymnast should be in your abdomen is if you ate McKayla Maroney (which also wouldn’t be okay). Also, where did that fetus get hair ties to do those pigtails? No wonder she’s so smug – she’s Rosemary’s freakin’ Baby.

Family

The Person I Marry

Highlights from the blurb: “Children are constantly thinking about marriage” (for real, I’m in my late 20s and the only time I think about marriage is at weddings);  “The Person I Marry is a beautiful picture-book and discussion-starter for children about wisely choosing a spouse someday” (shouldn’t we maybe just stick to useful childhood topics like How Not To Get Kidnapped or Stoves are Hot?).

Christian Controversies – Pilgrims vs. Indians

This CD is subtitled Racial Genocide or Biblical Dominion in Colonial New England? I think I can guess what side this one’s going to come down on. It’s like when a news teaser says “Is this the rainiest September on record? Find out at 11!” And you’re like, damn straight it’s the rainiest September on record, otherwise you wouldn’t be bringing this up. Although, in Vision Forum’s defense, if the Native Americans had had guns this never would have even happened.

I Dig Dinosaurs

I’ll defer to my friend the copy writer again: “In I Dig Dinosaurs you’ll load up onto a single-engine plane with dinosaur researcher and entertainer Buddy Davis and fly to the badlands of Montana. It’s a remote place, where the enormously powerful waters loosed during Noah’s Flood scoured the earth and left behind a tangled mess of fish, dinosaurs, plants, and more.”

Remember the story about Noah? One of the main things about Noah was that he was a human. You heard it here first, guys: people and dinosaurs coexisted, until dinos got wiped out in the flood (along with those poor unicorns).

* Photo credits go to Vision Forum. Despite the fact that Vision Forum Ministries is caput, you can still buy. I’ll admit it – if you are cool with giving money to these folks, some of the wacky violent warmongering boy toys would be sort of fun Christmas gifts.

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Internet, and You

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On November 11th, 2013, Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio turned 39 years of age. 39. That’s one year away from 40. Leo is officially like, an adult. Perhaps the age was jarring because in my mind, he is forever 23 years old. If you do the math (which, I mean, don’t), that brings us to 1997, when he was in Titanic. You guessed it folks – I, like many girls of my generation – was a total Titanic fangirl. I saw it 5 times in the movie theater, purchased every single item of memorabilia (including the script) and wore out tapes 1 & 2 of the VHS copies. In fact, I was so obsessed with Leo himself that I made it a mission to watch every single movie he was in (note to parents: don’t let your 12 year old watch The Basketball Diaries without knowing what it’s about first) and even used the name “Julieta”  in Spanish class as an ode to Romeo + Juliet.

Anyways, because I am a Leo fan, I’ve always remembered his birthday, but I never would have imagined he would have a bash like he did on Sunday. Apparently, Leo is a big rap fan, and invited his FRIEND 2 Chainz to perform. Oh yeah, AND Kanye West.

The party at Tao in NYC ended up being a charity event too, because he raised $3 million for his environmental foundation, so all in all not too shabby. But thanks to social media and the internet, there are plenty of videos and pix to make us *almost* feel like we were there.

Then again, Leo has somehow been a constant presence on the internet, despite the man himself being a more reserved and private celebrity. Case in point: Memes.

Just like it’s difficult to find a person who hates Leo IRL, the internet feels the same adoration for him, by making him the subject of many a meme. So to celebrate Leo in all his glorious 39 years of existence, here are some of the greatest viral items of one of the greatest actors of our generation.

Strutting Leo

The one that stands out the most – strutting Leo. Originally taken while he was on set filming Inception, the folks of the interwebz took this comical pic of Leo and Photoshop him into various other scenes.

Inception strutting
bitch what are you doing here strutting
come catch me strutting
thx moses strutting
reaping strutting

Inception Leo

This was taken straight from a scene in Inception where Cobb (Leo) is talking to Robert Fischer (Cillian Murphy), but Leo’s reaction face is what got the internet nerds all in a tizzy.

Rage over Leo’s lack of Oscars

Pretty self explanatory. The Academy hates Leo. The Internet hates the Academy.

because lindsay lohan

Bad Luck Leo

In which Jack Dawson looks happy on the outside, but on the inside, his heart is frozen over.

Poppin ‘n Lockin Leo

If this doesn’t convince you to see Wolf of Wall Street, I don’t know what will

Basically, this was just posted everywhere and anywhere and sometimes in wall form.

Time-Travelling Demon Leo

THIS THEORY IS TOO GOOD IT FREAKS ME OUT. *read more here!*

 

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Unexpected Stars of Elf

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In November of 2003, I was a teenaged movie theater employee. In addition to sneaking ‘courtesy cups’ of popcorn and Oreo Cream Blast (TM) every shift and taking my friends to free movies, I’d pop into theaters during my breaks to watch some of the better films [ and sometimes, you know, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen or whatever.] I probably saw Elf five times during that ’03 holiday season – albeit in 15-minute snippets. Ten years on, I still love it just as much. Yes, it’s hard to believe, but Elf — eminently charming, extremely quotable, and in my view, one of the best Christmas movies of all time — was released ten years ago this month.

Everyone knows that Elf had some amazing writing and a great soundtrack, but I think the ensemble cast is a big reason that it holds up so well a decade later. Everybody knows Will Ferrell’s Buddy, of course. Elf was also one of the first times anyone noticed a pre-bangs Zooey Deschanel. There are others that everyone will remember: James Caan, Bob Newhart, Edward Asner, and Mary Steenburgen. But did you realize that all of these folks were in Elf, too? Some of them have been around for decades, and others became famous since Buddy took the journey through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.

Peter Dinklage — Miles Finch

In Elf: Dinklage played Miles Finch, a grumpy children’s book author and – in Buddy’s view – an “angry elf.”

Outside of Elf: These days, Peter Dinklage is earning major accolades for his work in Game of Thrones. You may also know him from his work as Marlowe Sawyer on Nip/Tuck, Stewart on 30 Rock, and my favorite, Peter Drunklage on SNL.

Faizon Love – Buddy’s Manager

In Elf: He’s the hardworking, exacting Gimbel’s manager who insists on six inch ribbon curls and wants to know why Buddy’s smiling like that. He would like Buddy to make work his new favorite.

Outside of Elf: Love has an extensive resume, mostly character work. Shane in Couples Retreat? That was him. The Perfect Holiday (a Queen Latifah vehicle)? Jamal. Reaching back to pre-Elf times, Faizon Love was Wendell Wilcox on The Parent ‘Hood and Big Worm in Friday.

Amy Sedaris — Deb

In Elf: Deb is Walter’s secretary, who likes to whisper and has such a pretty face, she should be on a Christmas card.

Outside of Elf: Sedaris, of the Comedy Sedarises, has a delightfully nutty sense of humor. My favorites are her Jerri Blank on Strangers with Candy, her great books on entertaining, and all of the stories in her brother David’s books where she wears wacky wigs and fatsuits to freak out their father.

Meghan Black — Elf

In Elf: Brief but memorable role in the Cotton-Headed Ninny Muggins sequence.

Outside of Elf: She’s Atlanta on Clash of the Titans, Misty on Dead Like Me, and Kat on Edgemont. I don’t watch any of those, but a lot of people do.

Michael Lerner — Fulton

In Elf: The children’s book editor who affirms that even with those two pages, the book would have sucked.

Outside of Elf: You’ve definitely seen Lerner in one of his roles as a classy older guy. For instance: Mel Horowitz in the TV show version of Clueless, Rollie Simone on Hill Street Blues, and Arthur in Hart to Hart.

Will McCormack — Witness

In Elf: Just “Witness.” I seriously cannot remember Will McCormack being in Elf, for all the times I’ve seen it. Time for a re-watch!

Outside of Elf: Ethan in Brothers & Sisters, Skillz in Celeste and Jesse Forever (which he co-wrote with his ex, Rashida Jones), Robert O’Connor in In Plain Sight, and he’s directing an upcoming Chris Messina flick. Not too shabby for an unnamed Elf character.

Andy Richter — Morris

In Elf: Morris worked for Greenway Press, which between James Caan, Amy Sedaris, Peter Dinklage, and Andy Richter, is probably a lot more fun than the publisher I work for (which is GREAT don’t get me wrong fire me).

Outside of Elf: Andy Richter is best known as Conan’s sidekick (/Amy Poehler’s older brother). He’s also been a recurring actor on Arrested Development, voiced plenty of animated projects, appeared as Stan on The New Adventures of Old Christine, and had a memorable role on 30 Rock’s Ludachristmas episode (/Tina Fey’s older brother).

Leon Redbone — Snowman

In Elf: A snowman in the style of 60s Christmas specials, who keeps it real (“You’re 6’3 and had a beard since you were 15,” he tells Buddy).

Outside of Elf: You probably already know that Redbone wears a felt hat and big sunglasses, and has an oldtime-y, Vaudeville-y vibe, But did you know that his real name is Dickran? Dickran, is his name. Rough.

Jon Favreau — Doctor

In Elf: The doctor who doesn’t have any cotton balls any more.

Outside of Elf: I guess this is technically still quite Inside of Elf, but he directed it.

Peter Billingsly — Elf

In Elf: He informs Buddy that he’s pretty off-pace with that Etch-a-Sketch business. It’s almost like he was b0rn to be in Christmas movies.

Outside of Elf: Ralphie in A Christmas Story; an adult man who has to hear “you’ll shoot your eye out kid!” every time he is just trying to run to the grocery store to buy a damn carton of milk.

So Your Mayor Smoked Crack

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This week, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted that he was guilty of smoking crack cocaine while in office – but refused to resign. He said:

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. But no, do I — am I an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably, in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago.” {x}

Apparently, he had been denying this accusation for the past six months, but enough was enough and he finally told the God’s honest truth. That, and he said journalists weren’t asking the ‘correct questions.’ Honestly, the correct question didn’t come up in six months? Ok Robby.

But hey. Listen, we all make mistakes. One time I ordered a plate of cheese slices for dinner in Spain, when I thought they were going to be scrumptious empanadas. This is the same situation.

In fact, I applaud Mayor Ford for finally coming clean. First of all, it takes a lot of guts for a person in public office to admit to their constituents that they’ve doing something wrong that could potentially be used against them and their career. Second of all, if he really only did crack that one time, no harm, no foul, right? Third of all, it’s about damn time Canada and Canadian politicians got in to some trouble! These U.S. folks are getting all the attention, it’s about time our neighbors to the north had a little political shakeup.

Also, let’s face it, there are worst things that a Mayor could do. So buck up, Toronto. Grab some Timbits and head to the Eaton Centre for some stress relief shopping because life with a crack Mayor isn’t that bad.

People that are worse than Rob ‘Mayor of Crack’ Ford:

Idi Amin

Note that this photo is NOT of the real Idi Amin, but rather Forest Whitaker in the Last King of Scotland, and he won a Best Actor Oscar for playing Idi Amin. This is how I learn history.

Basically any tyrannical political leader who did more harm than help for their people is worse than Mayor McCrackerton. Obvi Hitler is an obvious choice, but he always trumps everyone for being the worst, so I thought I’d shake it up a little.

For those who need a quick history lesson, Idi Amin was the President of Uganda in the 1970s, and notorious for his obscene rule over the country, which included corruption, human rights abuse, ethnic persecution, etc. etc. During the eight years of his reign, an estimated range of 100,000 to 500,000 were killed.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Ben Wyatt, Mayor of Ice Town

Fictional character Ben Wyatt, played by Adam Scott in Parks in Recreation, was just 18 when he was elected the mayor of his small town in Partridge, Minnesota. However his immaturity and lack of experience led to him to make some poor decisions – including when he bankrupted the city after creating a winter sports complex called Ice Town. Ben was  unofficially banned from his hometown.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Actually being the one to make crack a la Walter White

Rob-ster allegedly only smoked crack once. It may have been caught on video, but he did it once. At least he’s not using his skills as a Mayor to make crack and build an entire drug empire. Because what insane psychopath does that?

Your mayor smoked crack.

Amanda Bynes

Once Nickelodeon’s starlet, Amanda has gone absolutely bonkers, and she apparently isn’t even on drugs or alcohol. While she may be getting help, 2013 wasn’t a great year for Amanda, who thought getting cheek piercings was a good idea. CHEEK. PIERCINGS. PLURAL.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Anthony Weiner

Sexting. Sexting with ladies on Twitter. Sexting with ladies on Twitter under the name Carlos Danger.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Jay Pharoah Tho

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Can we talk about Jay Pharoah for a second?

For all you non-Saturday Night Live watchers out there (first of all, what’s wrong with you?!), Jay joined the cast a few years ago, but has drawn a lot of attention as of late for pointing out that the “show is too white”. In his defense, he’s completely right, seeing as how there are only 2 African-Americans on the show – Jay and everyone’s favorite former French man in a bathtub Keenan Thompson – and the last black woman in the cast was Maya Rudolph, and she was only half-black!

That being said, Keenan is usually relegated to playing the black woman in sketches, like Whoopi Goldberg on The View. But on this past week’s episode hosted by the FLAWLESS Kerry Washington, they took advantage of Ms. Olivia Pope and addressed the controversy head-on.

Despite the fact the show IS “too white”, I’m glad Jay and Keenan got a chance to be in a lot of sketches this week, including my FAVE – the What Does My Girl Say parody, which I’ve watched at least 3 times a day since Saturday – it was a great ep to showcase his talent, especially in the impression arena.

As seen in that video above, Jay does an amazing Barack Obama, and has proved that he’s one of the best impressionists to come on the show since the great Darrell Hammond. So to continue Jay’s successful streak following the last episode, here are some of his other outstanding impressions. Incidentally, they happen to all be black celebrities.

Jay Z

Lil’ Wayne

Denzel Washington & (my personal fave) Will Smith

Family Guy, Eddie Murphy, T.I. and the real Justin Bieber

DMX, Chris Tucker

Kanye West (as a dog)

There Goes The Sun: 7 Reasons The End Of Daylight Savings Isn’t (so) Bad

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As soon as the summer solstice was over, our days started getting shorter and shorter. I know, I don’t like to think about it either. But still, the darkness crept a little more every day, and as soon as Daylight Savings Time ended, there was no denying it: it’s dark. Really, really dark. Most of the time, even. If you live below the 40th parallel it isn’t so-so bad, but it’s pretty damn dusky where I live, in New York  (way, way in New York though. It’s like Baby Canada up here).

I know the end of Daylight Savings doesn’t actually make an hour go away from my day. However, an hour of precious daylight moved from the afternoon – when I could maybe do something with it –  to the morning, when the only benefit is that I can now do my makeup in natural light. Still, there is a sunny side (even if it only lasts about 5 hours day):

Days aren’t shorter – nights are longer. If you’re into that.

If your glass is half full (of crazy), then you probably don’t look at this as losing daylight, but gaining night. Maybe you like the horrible mysterious blackness closing all around you. Maybe you just think it’s cozy to spend your dark winter hours indoors, with fires or candles – because you’re probably a bit of a pyro, too. I’m guessing you’re also really confident walking through darkened parking lots and waiting for your bus on an unlit street corner. So, you’re probably really jazzed to gain even more night! You freak.

 We gained an hour of sleep! One time.

In exchange for that extra hour of sleep, you will be in total darkness before the 5 o’clock news from now until March. So, hope you liked your sleep that one day! You know that psychology experiment where they tell kids they can have one piece of candy right now, or 2 pieces of candy if they wait until the researcher comes back in the room? And they always pick the one piece of candy right now? I’m usually Team Adults, but I don’t think we’re any better. If you asked me, at 6am on a Monday, if I want an extra hour to stay in bed – knowing that I’d never leave work in the daylight again for months – I’d probably be like “yeah, sounds like a fair exchange!” This is why we shouldn’t let sleepy people make major decisions.

 It’s an excuse not to work out.

Let’s just say that some people work out because they like the results, like being able to lift objects, looking like they’re not in frail physical shambles, and whatever those “health benefits” are supposed to be. But, these same people sometimes find the whole process a bit of a hassle. I’m that person.  Enter total darkness during all of my waking hours. That does it! Note: you still have to go to the gym, this only works for outdoor exercise. Sorry.

You Aren’t Getting Sun Damage?

Someday, when we all have horribly eroded skin, we’ll look back at these dark months with fondness as That Time We Weren’t Working On Our UV Exposure. When those fine lines crop up, just remember – that’s the price you had to pay for summer. The November-to-March perma-night had nothing to do with it.

You Can Wear Whatever You Want Because Nobody Can See You

You call it winter, I call it a really low-magic version of the Invisibility Cloak. Those people you run into outside for most of the winter? They can’t even see you! Or, you know, they can’t make out the details, anyway. So, if you’re wearing two shades of black that don’t quite match, or scuffy shoes, or mismatched accessories, nobody will know (except for maybe people you see indoors).

 It’s Pajama Time When You Say It’s Pajama Time

If you get home, don’t really have anything going on that day, and want to change into pajamas as soon as you finish dinner (or before), that’s fine. Because it’s dark out! So, it’s nighttime! I definitely abuse this one sometimes. Think about it: if you pajama up at 7:00 in the summer, you’d have to be sick, pathetic, depressed, or all three. But in winter, when it’s already been dark for three hours, you’re just keeping it comfy!

You Feel Like A Productive Workaholic Even When You’re … Not

Yesterday, I got to work at 8 and left around 5:30. Pretty normal, right? Except by leaving under cover of darkness, I felt like I had put in a serious day at the office. If I’m being honest, I could have stayed ’til 10 and still only been half done with my work. The thing is, downtown seems spookier with the lights off – so you’ll forgive me for emailing some files to myself and finishing my work in my pajamas. Which I changed into at 7 pm. Because it’s not like I was going for a run. Welcome, winter!