WHO IS EXCITED ABOUT FATE OF THE FURIOUS COMING OUT TOMORROW???

*lowers hand* Not me. Not sorry, Vin Diesel, but I will not be lining up to watch the eighth installment of your very popular film franchise when it is released in theaters. Don’t take it personally. I’m not one for action movies about cars, so I’m not your target demo. I’m sure you’ll be fine without my $15. In fact, the FF franchise has received none of my dollars since it first came out in 2001 – I have not seen one single Diesel movie that has the words “Fast” or “Furious” in it. And yes, I have decided to live with that burden for the rest of my life.

In following line with Molly’s previous What I Think Happens In Game of Thrones (I Don’t Watch It) post, my version is strictly on The Fast and The Furious – except think of it as the complete opposite of our Pop Culture Blind Spot series – because I don’t think I’ll ever sit down to watch these movies ever. So instead, I’m sharing what I think happens in the FF franchise, because that’s way more entertaining to me than any of the movies will be.

The Fast and The Furious (2001)

• The movie is set in Los Angeles, judging by this picture alone. Because this is where all the fast and furious drivers live. That last bit’s a fact.
• I forgot how long ago this was released – I was a mere 15 years old, circling everything in the dELiA*s catalog, and apparently Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster did too.
• The dude with the tatted arm and wife beater is the villain. And other dude in the back with the arm tattoo and wife beater is his villain friend.
• Michelle and Vin are romantically involved but she’s had a tough life and doesn’t let people in that easily.
• Paul Walker (RIP) is the hunky hearthrob who gets all the girls.
• Squad gets into a face-off with a local gang who own the streets of LA
• Vin and Paul are friends but enemies on the street when it comes to drag racing (is this movie even about drag racing?)

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

• Tyrese joins the mix and takes Vin’s place…? Is he in this movie? If so why is he not in this picture?
• Eva Mendes and Cris “Ludacris” Bridges are also newbies to the FF world, and Eva plays Paul Walker’s (RIP) new gal pal while Luda is his longtime friend from his hometown of Tampa, Florida. (but really, where are Vin, Michelle and Jordana? I had no idea they weren’t in this movie)
• The drag racing continues, this time in Florida, because Paul Walker (RIP) moved back home

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

• Luda convinces Paul Walker (RIP) to go on vacation in Tokyo, because they’ve both been working too hard (as drag race pros) and are both single and ready to mingle.
• Once they get to Tokyo, local drivers notice Paul and Luda are in town and convince them to race in Japan’s biggest underground competition, despite the fact they promised each other the trip wouldn’t involve cars at all.
• There’s a fun scene where Luda and Paul get drunk while out on the town and meeting ladies in sushi bars (set to the tune of Nelly Furtado’s Promiscuous Girl)
• Vin, Michelle and Jordana are off laying low in some remote island in Micronesia, because they were caught running a chop shop (like the Riggins bros in FNL), so they fled the country. They continue to not be in the franchise.
• The drag racing continues, this time with more Asian cars

Fast & Furious (2009)

• Fast & Furious is the real sequel to The Fast and the Furious, because Vin, Michelle and Jordana all come back and they brought an ampersand with them
• The charges they were running away from were dropped after miscellaneous extra took the fall for them, so they’re all back in LA and being all fast & furious with their driving
• The drag racing continues, this time with the four leads in one car

Fast Five (2011)

• The gang travels down to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil in an attempt to get back the cars that were stolen from them in the last movie
• Paul Walker (RIP) invites his friend Dwayne Johnson to join them as extra backup, since rumors surfaced that the dudes who took the cars were also embroiled in some drug cartel business
• The drag racing continues, this time with Dwayne Johnson literally just throwing cars all over the place and he somehow wins

Fast & Furious 6 (2013)

• The gang travels to London, where Paul Walker (RIP) moved because he fell in love with some British chippie. Jordana Brewster wants to get him back and her brother (I knew this!) doesn’t want her going alone so he tags along for the ride. Slash he misses Paul.
• Dwayne Johnson is probably like an ex-SWAT team member who just can’t let go of his past and continues to wear all the gear, despite the fact it’s totally unnecessary.
• Of course they all get involved in local street racing, and the villains are rogue MI6 agents
• The drag racing continues, this time on the other side of the road

Furious 7 (2015)

• Everyone gathers back in Los Angeles where they face a similar problem in the first film, in that they’re yet again running the streets against a local yet powerful gang
• Dwayne ditches the SWAT gear for a simple American Apparel black tee. He’s more comfortable in the LA heat now
• Paul Walker (RIP) decides for good to leave drag racing, because he and Jordana Brewster have a child and he wants to give her a life free of danger that she deserves. He walks off into the sunset while See You Again crescendos in the background.
• The drag racing continues, this time in honor of Paul Walker (RIP)