Songs From 2017 That Should Stay In 2017

2017 was a shitshow of a year. A lot of things happened that we’d rather not extend into the new year (or just forget it all happened in the first place). And that goes for music too. Like we do every year, we’ve compiled a list of songs that we’re totally over and for the sanity of all citizens of the world, maybe not be played as much – or at all – in 2018.

Traci’s Picks

Bad and Boujee by Migos and Lil Uzi Vert

This song made me realize that there was another way of spelling “bougie” and it really was one of the most “A-Ha” moments I’ve had in realizing my old age. Other than that, I can’t stand the repetitiveness of the chorus – we get it. You’re bad AND you’re boujee. Congrats. Now play some Carly Rae Jepsen.

Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift is problematic, we know this. Here’s just one of the reasons she really gets my goat – this song makes it seem like she’s blaming the other person (Kanye?) for her own actions. It feels very pointing fingers, and I don’t like it. Also, while I’ve only heard the other single, Ready For It, once, I’m not into this new sound of hers. Give me 1989 and Taylor in audio only and we’re good.

Issues by Julia Michaels

This song isn’t even that bad. I just don’t need this kind of downer song playing 24/7 in my 2018 life.

I Feel It Coming by The Weeknd ft/ Daft Punk

I think the real problem is that The Weekend releases 5 singles at a time and everyone plays them all in rotation constantly. No thank you.

Rockstar by Post Malone ft. 21 Savage

“Post Malone featuring 21 Savage” is a phrase that yet again makes me feel old. Are these people? New phrases like “It’s Lit”? Or stores at the local Westfield Mall? Either way, I don’t like this song and it can go bye bye.

Molly’s Picks

Despacito by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee feat. Justin Bieber

This is a great song. Really catchy. Awesome to see a song in Spanish climb to the top of the charts. That said, this summer my parents watched 5 of my nieces and nephews every day, so I helped out whenever I could. During the peak of this song’s popularity the kids kept DESPACITO-ING constantly. CONSTANTLY. No more than 30 seconds would pass without a kid singing “Despacito.” The song Despacito, you ask? Nah. Just that part. Just the word despacito. Imagine hearing children singing JUST THE WORD DESPACITO twice a minute for hours on end. I feel like a modern-day Poe character and Luis Fonsi et al. are … some kind of a bird that says despacito all the time.

Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay

There haven’t been lyrics that bugged me this much since “concrete jungle where dreams are made of.” Strike one: Books of old. Nobody says that unless they’re trying to rhyme with “gold” or “sold.” See also: strife, only used to rhyme with life. Strike two: the entire rest of it. The whole premise is that an adult man feels inadequate because he reads old books about Spiderman, Superman and Batman and then his girlfriend has to talk him down. A.) Is the narrator a 7 year old boy? B.) Too many do do do dos.

Why by Sabrina Carpenter

Sampling of actual lyrics: “You like New York City in the daytime, I like New York City in the nighttime. You say you like sleeping with the air off. I don’t, I need it on.” Despite all that, young love will overcome.

Shape of You by Ed Sheeran

Ed’s great, I just need a break from this song after hearing it every time I turned on the radio this summer. After a while my only joy in it was intentionally mishearing “magnet do” as magnadoodle.

Believer by Imagine Dragons

Everything by Imagine Dragons sounds like an original song recorded to play in an indoor roller coaster.

 

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Playlist of the Month: Songs from 2013 That Need To Stay In 2013

Towards the end of every year, magazine editors, television producers, bloggers, and miscellaneous people on the internet compile their Best and Worst of Lists. Music lovers tend to release their favorite (and least favorite) songs of the year. And unlike books or movies, songs can carry over into the next year and constantly play on the radio, thus making us want to pull out our hair and also the radios from our cars and throw it out the window if we ever hear that one hit song from last year again. 

In the spirit of hating on tunes, here are some of our picks for songs that should stay in 2013 and never show their face in 2014 – or every year moving forward.

Click here to listen to the entire list on Spotify!

Traci’s Picks:

What Does The Fox Say? – Ylvis

Just like Gangnam Style before it, 2013 needed one of these novelty songs and Norwegian duo Ylvis filled that quota. This song wasn’t even made as a real track – if you don’t know the story, brothers  Vegard and Bård Ylvisåker are hosts of a popular talk show in Norway. They created What Does The Fox Say? as a music video to promote their show, and the video went viral and here we are. But let’s just let the fox and its mysterious sounds in 2013, shall we?

Blurred Lines – Robin Thicke ft. T.I. and Pharrell

I feel like we’re probably on the same page as this, so I’m not even going to explain why this is on the list.

Thrift Shop – Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

“They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard, I bought a skeet blanket, then I bought a kneeboard.” This song is nominated for not one but TWO Grammys, y’all. GRAMMYS.

Timber – Pitbull ft. Ke$ha

Sometimes songs grow on me. But then other times it’s Ke$ha and I know immediately that I will be utterly annoyed with the song. This song is no different. Unfortunately for us, this was a late entry to 2013 and it’s probably going to stick around until like June. Also, if Ke$ha sings a song with Pitbull in the forest, does it make a horrifying sound?

#thatPOWER – will.i.am ft. Justin Bieber

When Justin Bieber is 50 years old, he’s going to wish he could do 2013 over again. He’s also going to wish he never agreed to do this horrific song with a Black Eyed Pea.

Molly’s Picks

Radioactive – Imagine Dragons

As I’ve said before, Imagine Dragons sounds like the name of a pretend band created by two eight-year-old boys who are really into Lego. Let’s allow this song to fade into 2013 and just imagine the dragons from now on.

[Note: I’m noticing a lot of these songs were released in late 2012, but they all climbed the charts in 2013.]

Can’t Hold Us – Mackelmore

This doesn’t even make sense. The ceiling doesn’t hold you. The floor does.

Don’t You Worry Child – Swedish House Mafia

Apparently my gym is a card-carrying member of the Swedish House Mafia, because this is on every time I go there. [Also, inexplicably, Miss Independent by Ne-Yo.]

Locked Out Of Heaven by Bruno Mars

So, I’m of two minds on Bruno Mars. On one hand, I think he’s a talented guy who makes catchy music. On the other, he’s responsible for Just The Way You Are, which is the musical version of a Dove Real Beauty commercial. And readers, you do not want me to get started on Dove commercials.

Wake Me Up by Avicii

Start with a kind of 90s, alternative, folksy sound. But then, let’s add some beats. Wait… what about the music video? Can we have an old west sequence, but also a club scene, but also a model, but also a child? With human branding and ambiguous time travel? And maybe, like, The Dust Bowl? Sure. Have it all.

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Playlist of the Month: Songs That Need To Not Be Popular

If you listen to the radio at all, you’re familiar with a bunch of pop songs that are played way too much. And by too much, I mean played at all. For every good pop/guilty pleasure song, there’s another tune that doesn’t deserve to be put on repeat in cars or boom boxes across the country.

Here are a few of our picks for songs that should not be played as much as they are – so we’re just going to tell you about them so you can listen to them even more.

{Listen to all the tracks on Spotify!}

Traci’s Picks

We Are Never Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift

I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I strongly dislike Taylor Swift. So is it any surprise that she would be on my list? As I’ve stated previously, she does make catchy tunes (see: the time I listened to Trouble while singing outloud and shaking my head in shame). However while many point to her outstanding lyrical skills, I don’t think you can qualify this track for ‘Song of the Year’ at the Grammys. For any TSwift superfans that may be reading this in outrage, I’ll point out that this song earned her a ‘Record of the Year’ nom – which is the award for overall production of the track. ‘Song of the Year’ is reserved for the best song in both overall quality and LYRICS. Anyways, I just can’t get behind a track that has the phrase “We are never ever ever ever getting back together… Like, ever.”

Bubble Butt by Major Lazer

Call me crazy, but I am usually not a fan of songs that repeat the same two words over and over again for about 90% of the time, and not to mention, the song is about big booties on women.

In related news, this is the most disturbing video I’ve ever seen. I honestly can’t tell you why I watched all of it, either.

Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj

Nicki. I defended you when Super Bass came out, because that song was my JAM. However, this is not. The first two notes irk me so much and then she goes for that long ass “note” about 30 seconds in and I want to stab myself in the eye with some BARBed wire. GET IT???

Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey

Here’s the problem, Lana Del Rey: you are WAY too depressing for me. Every time I listen to one of your songs I feel like I need to take a Prozac after it. The words Summertime and Sadness shouldn’t even be in the same sentence.  AND there’s also a remix dance version that’s being played on the radio and it’s still not peppy enough for me to dance around in the club to it. Not that I even dance in clubs anymore.

Gentleman by Psy

The thing about Psy is… he should have been a one hit wonder. I get why Gangnam Style swept the world. He was a brand new artist from Korea – which besides the cult of K-POP, has not been mainstream in America. You have to hand it to the guy. Create a viral video with a song that only people who speak Korean can understand, and create a stupid dance, and you become a worldwide sensation.

But how did he manage to get a second song so popular? The video has over 500 million views and has broke some kind of YouTube record. Society, you have no one to blame but yourselves. Also, I suggest you watch the video with the sound off, and then ask yourself the question: WHY IS THIS FOOL POPULAR??

Molly’s picks

22 by Taylor Swift

Congratulations, Taylor. You’re 22. That’s great for you, but can you stop being so showy about it?  The only thing you’ve done to earn your relative youth is not dying for 22 years. Time passes all too quickly, and in a blink of an eye you’ll be 27, wondering how it could possibly be fun to dress up like hipsters and make fun of your exes when you can dress up in business casual and internet-stalk your ex’s The Knot profile, instead. From there, it’s just one foot in front of the other until the grave. So, enjoy 22, Tay!

What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction

My main issue with this is the logical fallacy. Not knowing she’s beautiful is what makes this girl beautiful, so then the One Directions go and TELL her which I think makes her ugly by the end. Also, I’m pretty sure that if you’re beautiful, you know it. Because people will tell you – like, for instance, One Direction. If you have been waiting forever for a pop tune about a girl with body dysmorphic disorder who eventually gets made ugly by a flock of little British boys, you probably like this song.

Redneck Crazy by Tyler Farr

This summer there was a lot of outrage about Blurred Lines, and I was like “guys, can we please get mad about Redneck Crazy instead, because it’s way worse and also I think Robin Thicke is really appealing?” This song is narrated by a man who was cheated on, so he drives his car to her front lawn, drinks on the hood of his car, shines his headlights through her windows, throws beer cans at her shadows, and is the kind of man “that shows up at your house at 3am.” The last part is the worst. I hate when people use “that” instead of “who.”

Crazy Kids – Ke$ha

All of Ke$ha’s songs sound the same, and she always looks like she slept in garbage then threw glitter at herself. I don’t feel bad for saying that because I think it’s on purpose. Also, I hate that she styles her name with a dollar sign in the middle because typing shift+4 really slows down my typing. This one’s awful because of that part where she whispers “we are the crazy people” and sounds like a pop star from a bad dream — only we’re all far too awake.

Radioactive – Imagine Dragons

There’s nothing exactly wrong with this, I’m just sick of it. It sounds like it was recorded to play in one of those dark indoor roller coasters. The band name “Imagine Dragons” sounds like the fake band of three 8-year-old boys who are really into Lego.