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Booze Before Chews: A Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Drinking Game

Posted in Miscellany by

Thanksgiving is our day. Our blog is named after a snack and an alcoholic beverage, need I say more?  However, everyone who’s had to correlate the cook times and temperatures of 10 different dishes, and schedule dinner around football games and children’s naps, knows that as much as Thanksgiving is about food, it’s also about multi-tasking. Oh, and gratitude.

So, why not multitask during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade by getting your drink on? Responsibly, of course – feel free to use water instead and stop when you should stop.

I’m also including a parallel Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Exercise Game (Lose Before Chews?). Use that option if you are saving your stomach space for food (that’s me!), want to work off dinner in advance, or aren’t much of a day drinker.

* This list is from 2013, so we’ve added a few 2014-specific additions as well!

One Sip/ One Set* of Jumping Jacks if you see…

  •  Matt Lauer, and he has an obvious disdain for his cohost
  • Marching band from the midwest
  • Balloon or float featuring a cartoon character you’ve never heard of
  • Reality star from a show you actually watch
  • Nick Jonas, and you have to deal with weird grown-up feelings (he’s of age, it’s fine)
  • Country singer wearing a cowboy hat
  • Muppets!
  • … and you get choked up seeing Muppets for some reason. Really, what IS that?
  • One of the members of KISS sticking his tongue out
  • A float or balloon of one of your childhood favorites that’s been gone so long that it’s cool again (example: My Little Pony; Carebears)

Two Sips/ One Set of Burpees if you see…

  •  Matt Lauer, and the cohost has an obvious disdain for him
  • One of the flag girls having an obvious screw-up
  • One of the hosts or performers wearing an impractical but lovely white coat, a la Olivia Pope
  • Carrie Underwood singing something from The Sound of Music (shameless plug: we’ll be liveblogging the performance on December 5! (of 2013 – oh, what a night it was!))
  • Anyone from the cast of Peter Pan performing (yes, we’ll be liveblogging that too, and yes, you can upgrade a Sound Of Music performance to a “chug” scenario, because that already happened.)
  • Sandra Lee making something that’s technically gross but seems sort of delicious
  • A celebrity with his or her bored-looking teenager or tween
  • Mo’ne Davis, and you cry a little bit (she’s inspirational! it’s okay!)
  • The hosts refer to bad parade weather in the distant past (>25 years ago)
  • Pilgrims in buckle hats
  • ALL of the members of KISS sticking their tongues out

One Gulp/ 30-second plank if you see…

  • A Broadway performance featuring enthusiastic child actors
  • A clearly tangled or deflated balloon
  • A performance by an irrelevant musician (peak fame greater than or equal to four years ago)
  • A circus
  • … and you find it really boring
  • A British star even though they don’t even do Thanksgiving JEEZ.
  • A Canadian star even though they already had Thanksgiving JEEZ.

Two gulps/ One Set of Pushups if…

  •  You get interrupted by someone saying “hey, can you come in here and help with…”
  • You have to explain to a child or teenager what KISS/ Gene Simmons is all about (actually, if you’re doing the exercise version you can skip the pushups- you’ve already had a mental workout!)
  • You spot very obviously out-of-sync lip-synching
  • All three Jonas Brothers appear together (they had a bit of a breakup)
  • You accidentally fall in love with Taylor Swift during her performance
  • A celebrity is on a float to which they have absolutely no connection (example: The cast of Law and Order: SVU on a Mott’s applesauce float)
  • The Duck Dynasty guys make a reference to shooting turkeys
  • Jimmy Fallon is there, and he delivers a thank-you note
  • Jimmy Fallon is there, and he brings Baby Winnie
  • Savannah Guthrie is there, and she brings Baby Vale
  • A youth choir sings something inspirational (example: Imagine, Somewhere Over The Rainbow)
  • There is a touching moment between Allison Williams and Brian Williams
  • The hosts deliver a half-accurate history lesson about the first Thanksgiving

Chug**/ Run in place until the next commercial break if…

  • There’s a runaway balloon
  • You accidentally call new Annie, Quvenzhané Wallis, “the cutest kid in the world” in front of children you’re actually related to. Oops!
  • One of the lip-synchers doesn’t even try at all
  • A Cirque du Soleil performer falls
  • At the end of the parade, you realize you missed the one thing that actually sounded like it would be interesting

* A set is however many you say is a set. We’re not Crossfit, here. Again, we’re named after a snack and an alcoholic beverage.

** Don’t really chug. Puking would really screw up your dinner plans.

A Fall TV Guide To Non-Crappy Shows

Posted in Entertainment by

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! No, I’m not talking about Christmas, it’s the glorious return of television after the fall hiatus! While our favorite shows are returning, lest we forget there is a whole new crop of shows just dying to be kept alive by network execs.

In television history, this time of year determines who will have a job at the end of the season and who will not. Some are bad, some are great, some are bad but go on for multiple seasons (Two and a Half Men), some are great but only live on for half a season (RIP Ben and Kate).

But have no fear. We are here to help guide you to the land of good television. Who knows if these shows will be the last ones standing, but at least you’ll waste your time on good shows instead of the bad ones. Do you have any favorites that are missing from this list?

The Dramas

The Blacklist

Premieres: Monday, September 23rd – NBC – 10pm

Starring: James Spader (Boston Legal, The Office, all around 80s icon), Diego Klattenhoff (Uncle Mike from Homeland, Shane Omen from Mean Girls)

Plot: James Spader plays Red Reddington, one of the FBI’s most wanted. He surprisingly turns himself in and offers to help catch a long-thought-dead terrorist, but he’ll only work with new FBI profiler Liz Keen, played by Megan Boone. This terrorist guy isn’t the only criminal Red can help put behind bars, he has a massive list – a ‘blacklist’ if you will – of other wanted politicians, mobsters, spies and terrorists, but will only help the FBI if Liz continues as his partner.

Why You Should Give It a Shot: Out of all the network shows debuting this fall, The Blacklist tested better than all other 125 NBC drama pilots in the past decade. Better than ER? So this has to be good. Or the pilot, at least.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

Premieres: Tuesday, September 24th – ABC – 8pm

Starring: Clark Gregg (duh, Agent Coulson), Ming-Na Wen (ER, the greatest Disney classic Mulan)

Plot: You may remember Agent Coulson from the Marvel superhero movie franchise, and now he’s getting his on show. Coulson puts together a task force to investigate the growing number of people with superpowers, and that’s pretty much it.

Why You Should Give It a Shot: Because it’s supposed to be the biggest new show this season, and you don’t want to be the guy who has nothing to say around the watercooler the following day. Do people still go to watercoolers?

Masters of Sex

Premieres: Sunday, September 29th – Showtime – 10pm

Starring: Michael Sheen (Frost/Nixon, Wesley Snipes on 30 Rock, ex-boyfriend of Rachel McAdams), Lizzy Caplan (Party Down, Cloverfield, ex-costar of Rachel McAdams)

Plot: Set in the 1950s, this drama centers around William Masters (Sheen) and Virginia Johnson (Caplan) as they take on the risque study of researching the medical side of sex.

Why You Should Give It a Shot: This is the only non-network show on the list, but it seems too good to leave it off. Shows that push the button are always poised to be good TV, but with a cast like this and the perfect mix of drama and comedy, this is definitely one to look out for come awards season.

The Comedies

Trophy Wife

Premieres: Tuesday, September 24th – ABC – 9:30pm

Starring: Bradley Whitford (The West Wing, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, often the center of my dreams), Malin Ackerman (Couples Retreat, Rock of Ages), Marcia Gay Harden (Mystic River, season two resident lawyer on The Newsroom), Michaela Watkins (former SNL cast member)

Plot: Bradley Whitford is on his third wife – the young, reformed party girl Kate (Ackerman). She is thrown into an unconventional family, which includes his first ex-wife Diane (Harden), the hardass doctor with whom he has two teenage kids, and second ex-wife Jackie, a granola/hippie mom with whom he adopted a spunky Asian kid.

Why You Should Give It a Shot: Because Bradley Whitford needs to be on a TV series that is successful again. Also it’s funny. Don’t trust me? (rude) You can watch the pilot on Hulu before it comes on the small screen!

Brooklyn Nine Nine
Premieres: Tuesday, September 17th – FOX- 8:30pm

Starring: Andy Samberg (SNL, Celeste and Jesse Forever, often has Dick in a Box), Andre Braugher (Homicide: Life on the Street), Chelsea Peretti (former Parks & Rec writer, stand up comic, Twitter life ruiner)

Plot: A police workplace comedy featuring carefree cop Jake Peralta (Samberg) who has to work under a new no nonsense boss in Captain Ray Holt (Braugher).

Why You Should Give It a Shot: A show created by Parks and Rec mastermind and The Office’s Mose, Michael Schur and another Parks writer Dan Goor, it’s sure to have a few LOL moments. Basically Schur’s TV forte is getting former SNL cast members and making them stars of their own comedies. It helps that he used to write for SNL too.

Super Fun Night
Premieres: Wednesday, October 2nd – ABC – 9:30pm

Starring: Rebel Wilson (Bridesmaids, Pitch Perfect, all-around hilarious lady), Liz Lapira (Crazy Stupid Love, Don’t Trust The B-, Traffic Light aka shows only I watched)

Plot: Kimmie Boubier (Wilson) is a junior attorney who has had a standing date every Friday with her best friends for the past 13 years. Their motto is “Always together! Always inside!”, which makes me feel like we’re soulmates. But now because of a cute British co-worker and networking opportunities, Kimmie feels the need to actually go out and meet people for once.

Why You Should Give It a Shot: Rebel Wilson. Executive produced by Conan O’Brien. Theoretically this show should be a hit.

10 Catchiest Wordless TV Theme Songs

Posted in Entertainment, Lists by

For years, instrumental TV theme songs were de rigour. Then, sometime in the mid-to-late 60s, somebody realized that you could sum up the entire premise of the show in a one-minute, three-verse song. Writers didn’t have to add in any exposition! Keep in mind, this was before the age of a two-minute “previously, on ____” preceding every 42-minute program. Viewers needed some way to know what they were getting into.

As time wore on, more generic theme songs took hold, usually about themes like friendship (Golden Girls) or family (Full House, Family Matters). By the mid-90s, tv themes had become chart toppers in their own right, and I still get a little giddy when the Friends theme pipes onto the radio.

Commercial breaks expanded, and run times contracted. Networks had to cut something from their shows, and theme songs were the first to go. By season 9, the Friends theme was about 12 words long. Other themes were reduced to a single line, followed by a nonsense word (Friendship is family forever…. toodles!). Don’t believe me? The Mike And Molly song is 17 seconds long. 10 words.

In tv theme songs – as in fashion and politics – the pendulum always swings back eventually. Instrumental theme songs are it again. I’ll be damned if they aren’t darn catchy, too.

Mad Men

A great title sequence calls for a great theme song. There’s a bit of a tense, Hitchcock-y buildup, so you know there’s going to be drama. But then the cymbals kick in, so you’re pretty sure there will be fun times and laughs, too. Who needs three verses explaining Don Draper’s back story when you have that? (I would actually benefit from three verses explaining Don Draper’s back story).

The Simpsons

I started watching The Simpsons almost as soon as it aired, even though I was barely a toddler. My mom didn’t approve of Bart’s attitude, but that didn’t mean we weren’t allowed to watch it. It just meant that my brothers and I had to go upstairs to do it. This really typifies my parents’ child-rearing philosophy. Like, my room could be messy for a while, but my door had to be closed. Hi, I’m half Irish Catholic, if you couldn’t tell.

Anyway, the most exciting part of the show when I was 4 or 5 was “the couch” – the sight gag at the end of the credits when the family piled onto the sofa. To get to it, you had to sit through a rollicking tour of Springfield. Danny Freakin’ Elfman, you guys. Genius.

30 Rock

Totally jazzy and New York-y. Oddly, more of an early-60s feel than the Mad Men theme. Jeff Richmond is without a doubt one of the great tv composers of our day. His wife’s pretty cool too I guess.

Parks and Recreation

Upbeat and spirited, this is like a theme song for optimism itself. Will Leslie Knope prevail? Of course she will. You don’t write a theme like this for someone who’s anything less than triumphant.

Boy Meets World

I have so much trouble finding people who remember the original Boy Meets World theme. We all remember the generic 90s tune of the later seasons (when this boy meets world — boy meets wor-or-orld – travelin down this road that we call ly-eeef –). But, do you remember the synth-y yet magestic tune of the first season? Extra bonus, the entire title sequence looks like it was created on Microsoft Paint, pre-Windows ‘95.

Because we all still  love the Boy Meets World cast, enjoy this behind-the-scenes info from the filming of the later title sequence:

Law And Order

I don’t know if it’s the solid bass backbeat, the twangy guitar, or the — is that a clarinet?? — but if you blindfolded a person who had never seen Law and Order, played this sequence, and asked them what this show was about, they’d be like “police procedural set in a big city? Early 90s?” I like the moment about 50 seconds in when you think that it’s over, then the music kicks back up, like “just kidding!” Am I overthinking it if I think that’s supposed to evoke the moment ⅘ of the way through the show when you think they got the bad guy but it was a different bad guy? Yeah, I thought so.

Batman

This doesn’t all-the-way qualify, because they say Batman a crazy number of times. By the end of it, it’s like when you repeat a word multiple times and it stops sounding like a word. I also notice that the way kids sing “na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!” doesn’t sound much like this. See, I find that children are terrible at most things because they haven’t been alive very long.

What’s amazing is that even though this is a superhero cartoon, it kind of sounds like 1960s beach music, too. Except for the part where they won’t stop saying Batman.

Doug

I think in this context, “do” isn’t a word.

Babar

Oh, Babar. The show I always saw 20 minutes of because it was on HBO right before I had to leave for church in the morning. Babar was a gentle, sweet show (about colonialism), so this lovely little melody fits perfectly. Unless, that is, crazy, terrible shit always started to go down in the final 10 minutes.

Leave it To Beaver

    When you listen to this peppy, spirited little tune, you just know that for the next half-hour you are going to be in a world where the biggest problem is an 8-year-old with a slingshot. If only that darn announcer would just shut up.

Honorable mention: Clarissa Explains it all

Just a cheerful, energetic number featuring a 14-year-old girl dressed like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I had to DQ it from the list proper because there were a few too many words in there.

Honorable mention: Andy Griffith Show

This theme song is iconic and completely evocative of the show. I’m not denying that. Here’s the thing, though. When I was in elementary school, our music director decided to debut a sung version of this song at the spring concert. It wasn’t even my grade doing it, but all I can think of when I hear this song is 40 eight-year-olds with recorders trying to squeak out the melody, then putting them down to sing about a fishin’ hole.  It was actually way more cute when Andy Griffith sang it than when two classes of third graders did it, who would have thought?

Also, I know this makes me sound like a dour and joyless person, but I can’t stand when people whistle, and this song just encourages it.

A Final Farewell to Dunder Mifflin

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

After nine seasons, Dunder-Mifflin will finally close its doors and carry on without the documentary film crew following their every move. The Office is one of my all-time favorite shows, right behind Friends and Gilmore Girls. While those two shows have been off the air for a while now, I can clearly remember watching the final episodes of the series and completely breaking down. Like, an irrational, ridiculous puddle. To this day, it’s hard for me to get myself to watch either of the finales, since I just get way too emotional about it. TV is real to me, you guys, ok?

I was a little late coming into The Office, only tuning in at the end of season three. But as soon as I watched the first few episodes I was hooked. Like the level of obsession where I would watch every episode over and over again, go online to fan sites, crazily watch charming interviews of John Krasinski and I may or may not have watched a fan video or two.

In 2009, my friend Meghan and her sister Katie and I even drove down to Scranton, Pennsylvania for one of the official Office tours. Super dorky, but whatever. We got some free swag, and got to check out the real places that the characters reference on the show. We even had some special guests on the tour, Jennie, the gal who runs the awesome OfficeTally website (again, I’m a total geek for this show!), and Robert Shafer, the guy who plays Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration!

Lazy Scranton the Electric City
The Steamtown Mall ft. Boscov’s Department store (where Pam & Phyllis bought their outfits in Casual Friday)
The actual sign seen in the credits is on the side of a busy road, so naturally dangerous to stop there and take pix. This sufficed.
Being AZN with m’pals Dwight & Big Tuna
Giant heads!
I have this quote on a shirt I got from Poor Richard’s Pub
Meghan, Katie, Phyllis, and me with Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration
The building featured in the opening credits!
Coopers Seafood Restaurant, where Michael & Holly had lunch, and where we did too.
While visiting Lake Scranton, this couple was taking wedding pix, so natch, Bob Vance took pix with them.
Here’s a doozy: Poor Richard’s is actually inside this bowling alley
Super dark in there, but it does kinda look like what we see on TV!

I’ve even creepily visited the actual studios in Van Nuys a couple times, including right before they shot the finale, where we left a janky note thanking the cast & crew, and also made friends with the security guard who gave us insider info on the cast’s filming schedule the next day!

Someone came prepared and made a flat Stanley cut out. Should’ve thought the visit through.

And despite the fact I will admittedly say the past couple of seasons haven’t been as good as it was in the beginning, I have stuck by it with every passing episode. Now that we’re down to the final one, I’m in this weird middle of being totally in denial and completely okay with it ending. Luckily, the writers have played out this season in such a way that it doesn’t leave us wanting more. In fact we’re getting some happy and satisfying endings to our beloved characters, that it’s like they’re saying, ‘Here ya go, fans. This is The Office, wrapped and tied up in a nice shiny bow.’

That being said, these last few episodes have been absolutely gut-wrenching, to the point where I’m a complete mess. Even the promos for the actual finale felt like a punch right in the babymaker and I just couldn’t stop crying. Ever since the writers and producers realized there was a strong fan base for the show, they’ve been really great at making sure there is complete continuity on every episode, adding to the realistic documentary style. Little things like the everyone using the same mug they’ve been using since the pilot, or small character traits like Toby randomly mentioning he writes a series of crime novels or Stanley telling Pam everyone’s changed over the years while eating a giant pretzel.

The arcs of the main characters have especially hit me hard coming into the final stretch, like Dwight and Jim slowly becoming friends instead of all out foes. And of course there’s the iconic Jim/Pam love story. Despite the fact they’ve gone through a bit of a rough patch this season and there’s been a bit of uproar about it, I didn’t really mind. These two have had the epitome of a perfect relationship, and since this show is supposed to be a real documentary, they just had to have a rift at some point. Real life isn’t always about ‘will they or won’t they,’ which is why Pam and Jim went on their first date at the end of season three six seasons later, they’re still together.

And in the last few episodes, I admit I was a little hesitant about how Jim would just give up this awesome job just because he loved Pam so much. But in the penultimate episode, where he showed her the video, it all made sense. Just as he was showing Pam this montage of all their greatest romantic moments to remind her of why he chose her over Philadelphia, the writers were also showing us why we fell in love with these two in the first place. And in honor of keeping tradition of being awesome to the fans, turns out the video was based on a real fan video made circa season 3 with the very same song.

Excuse me while I start crying again just thinking about it.

This show took chances to show a realistic lifestyle at a boring paper company. The fact that they even decided to  break the fourth wall a little by having Pam interact with a crew member (aka ‘Boom Brian’), is extremely ballsy. They could have easily just pretended the documentary was still filming way after we as viewers could see. So what better way to end it than by showing the Dunder-Mifflin folks what they’ve collected over the years with romance, breakups, firings, babies, and sad departures all caught on camera?

All this goes to say that as much as I do/don’t want The Office to come to an end, I’m glad it’s ending the way it is. More often than not, network politics get in the way and fans of shows aren’t treated with the kind of ending and closure they deserve (see: Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, Party Down, etc.). Luckily NBC (finally) did something right by working with the show’s producers and actors and collectively deciding this would be the last season. It gave them a chance to end the series the way they wanted it too. In fact that the writers/producers all talked to the actors and asked them how they wanted their character’s stories to end, and incorporated it into the storyline. What other show would do that? Judging by the way the last few episodes have played out (and even how they dealt with the departure of Michael Scott), us fans are in for a satisfying, bittersweet ending.

So, thank you, Dunder-Mifflin and co. Thank you for nine wonderful seasons of laughter and tears. Thank you for making this journey worthwhile. My Thursday nights will never be the same.

Concerns of a Fal Pal: Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show Takeover

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

Well, it’s official folks. Jimmy Fallon is taking over The Tonight Show in 2014, and Jay Leno is walking away with a reported $15 million and hopefully never showing his face on NBC again. If you caught that little nugget at the end of the last sentence, I’m clearly harboring some residual negativity from the great Conan/Jay/NBC debacle of 2010. I’m trying really hard to be happy for my beloved Jimmy, but as a Fal Pal, my love for him is turning more into a protective, nurturing behavior, instead of the all-out gleeful and enthusiastic attitude a fan should have.

Let’s back up a bit. In 1998, I fell in love with a dorky looking comedian on Saturday Night Live. Jimmy’s characters and sketches were always hilarious to me (Nick Burns, Jarett’s Room, Pat Sullivan etc.) and I was obsessed. I bought his Bathroom Wall comedy album and listened to it constantly. Like, what 16-year-old girl listens to a comedy CD in her spare time? This girl. He made the presteigous line of photos I had of celebs I loved in my bedroom. To this very day, this picture hangs next to the cast of Friends and Mandy Moore. The last time I was home, I even found a card my friend gave to me for my birthday with my fave crushes at the time.

yes, that’s aaron carter. hush.

After SNL, Jimbo went on to his movie career, and while I loved Fever Pitch, let’s be honest – his movies weren’t the best. He kinda disappeared for a while, got married, and in 2009, I was elated to find out he was getting his own talk show. I’ve loved every single episode, every Jacob’s Patience, every hilarious animal moment with Jeff Musial, every game of Cell Phone Shoot Out, and every Slow Jam the News. I’m not being biased here probably being very biased, but Jimmy has the best, most inventive, creative show on late night TV. Thanks to his SNL background, his show runs more like a variety show with friends that stop by to chat. It’s a fun atmosphere that makes you wish you were in the audience every single night. I once read a quote from him that said something like, “I want to make a show that will make you happy right before you go to sleep.” And that’s exactly what he’s done. You can’t not watch the show and feel anything but joy.

So here’s the problem. As much as I adore him and most definitely cried when he made the official announcement on his show, I can’t help but be worried of what the future holds. I was/am a Conan fan. I’ve watched him since high school, and was naturally excited for him to take over the Tonight Show and move to LA (mainly for selfish reasons, so that I could finally cross off ‘See Conan live’ off my bucket list, which I actually did!). But then it all came crashing down. We all remember it. I, like many other fans, just couldn’t understand the logic behind NBC dropping Conan in just seven months, all because Jay Leno bitched about his 10pm primetime show which was flatlining. Hey buddy, you’re the one who ultimately decided it was time to step down and hand over the keys to the kingdom to Coco. No takesies backsies.

Furthermore, I just don’t find Jay funny. I don’t think a lot of people my age do, because we can’t relate to him. And that reflects on his ratings too – he’s number one in the older demo, which let’s face it, are really the only ones with the Neilsen boxes and watch it live. But since his ratings were high, the only reason Jay would logically walk away from his show is because he wanted to. In fact, NBC was drawing bigger ratings with Conan in early 2010 than they are now with Leno (If you want more info on this, check out this article because I learned a lot from it). Or NBC is completely insane. Which is also accurate. Long gone are the golden days of Must See TV, so at the time, CEO Jeff Zucker did anything he could to try to keep the company afloat. And that included taking a risk with Jay, Conan, and ultimately Jimmy Fallon.

And now here we are three years later. Conan luckily found a home on TBS, Jay is still not funny and is retiring for a second time, and Jimmy gets a new show next year that starts an hour earlier. As proud as I am of the guy who used to sing a song about Troll dolls, I’m afraid this might turn into a bad case of history repeating itself. If NBC execs let Conan go after 16 successful years on their network, who’s to say they won’t do the same to Jimmy who’s been a talk show host for four years? I’m hoping that they’ve learned their lesson since then. With a new CEO at NBC, and Jay hopefully staying in his garage with his cars this time around, there’s a chance this might be Jimmy’s big chance to shine. He deserves it. He’s clearly a good guy, with good intentions, and just wants to make good television. So basically, NBC, please please please do not fuck this up. Learn from your mistakes, and let Jimmy Fallon be the great entertainer he was always meant to be. At least there’s one thing we know for sure when he makes the big transition: we can go to sleep happy – and one hour earlier.

Albums I own that I probably shouldn’t have paid for

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Lists by

I think we’ve all been the victim of buying one or two (or three or four) CDs that make us question if we were sane when we purchased them. I’d say my collection of records that fall under this category was a result of the TRL, the need to be cool, and wasting time in the mall record store.

Of course, most kids these days don’t have the luxury of going to an FYE/Media Play/Virgin Records, etc. and scouring through a bunch of albums, but when I was a young, impressionable teen, these are some of the gems I purchased – with my parents’ money.

A Rosie Christmas

Back in middle school, Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show was the absolute hottest thing to take daytime TV, and I was obsessed. So naturally, A Rosie Christmas was on my wish list. It’s basically an entire album of Rosie singing with celebrities. Including “Angelica Pickles”, the hit pop singer from the Rugrats.

A Very Rosie Christmas

Like I said, I was obsessed. But that’s a story for another day. This is the follow up to A Rosie Christmas, because apparently, the first one was such a hit. (BTW, what ever happened to Billy Gilman?)

NBC Celebrity Christmas

So I totally forgot I owned this until I came across this jam on Tumblr – John Spencer, Martin Sheen, and Stockard Channing ‘singing’ Wonderful Christmastime. I was like, ‘What in God’s name is this and where is it from?’ Then I remembered I actually owned the very album it came from. Oops. Other notable NBC celebs on the cd: Sean Hayes, Megan Mullally, and the devil Jay Leno.

P.O.D. – Satellite

So this is where the TRL influence kicks in. Because let’s be honest, I would have no idea who P.O.D. was if Youth of a Nation wasn’t my jam.

Lit – A Place in the Sun

Hey you know what, it’s no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy.

Ruben Studdard – Soulful

When American Idol first aired in 2003, I was a fan immediately. I even went to a taping during the first season, was on TV with an embar sign, and met a 90s teen heartthrob (again, a story for another day). But season 2, I wasn’t even that big of a fan of Ruben, in fact I was more of a Clay Aiken fan – whose album I did have, but please note it’s not on the list. So why did I have his album? Because I fell intro the trap. I mean the lead single from this album is called “Sorry 2004.” Literally the lyrics are “This is my sorry for 2004.”

Krystal Harris – Me and My Piano

Never seen this person before? Well probably only a small niche of people have, so it’s ok. Krystal Harris was the “first” singer signed to the Backstreet Boys (now defunct?) record label. She opened up for them on their Black and Blue tour, which is how I’m familiar with her. However she did have a super minor “hit” with a song called Super Girl, which was featured on The Princess Diaries soundtrack. [Ed note: I just listened to this song for the first time in years, and it’s actually pretty catchy?]

Limp Bizkit – Significant Other

I was so bad ass as a kid that I didn’t even do it for the nookie. I did it to impress my friends because I wanted to show that there was more to me than a BSB fan. I was wrong.

Shows You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: The New Normal

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I was mighty incredulous about The New Normal. It seemed too much like it was riding the coattails of Modern Family – like network TV had just realized that people had weird family arrangements or, you know, that gay people actually had families, and they were really gunning for it. I definitely gave this a bit of a side-eye when NBC gave it a promo spot during the Olympics. I felt like if they had to try that hard, it wasn’t going to be very good. I also felt like this was the two weeks every four YEARS that I watch sports, so they should just show me the goddamn swimmers already.  Happy to say, I was mistaken – it is actually worth watching. Here’s why:

Bebe Wood as Shania
I know child actors are frequently the worst part of the show, but Bebe is oddly hilarious. The reason this quirky kid character is so funny is that the writers actually abide by the “show, don’t tell” rule. Instead of having the adults comment on how “offbeat” the kid is, they have her doing these amazing impressions of Little Edie Beale and the Dowager Countess. Her glasses aren’t prescription. She writes Charlie Rose fan-fiction. And best of all, while Shania isn’t a perfect kid, she doesn’t fall into the bratty sitcom child trap. Thank goodness.

The Rocky-Jane Adversarial Friendship

I like to imagine that they’re IRL besties, too.


Things got off to a rough start between TV producer Rocky (NeNe Leakes) and uber conservative/former Ohioan/World’s Youngest Great-Grandmother Jane (Ellen Barkin). See, e.g.: “The last time I checked this diamond speckled watch my gay boss bought me, without his consent, it was 2012. Now, why don’t you take your Callista Gingrich hairdo and your racist mind back to the past, or the south, where they belong?” Of course, the producers didn’t leave us hanging too long, and by the second half of the season we got to see these two (sort of) join forces, largely because of a shared dislike of the same things and people.

The Adorable Goldie/Bryan/David Friendship
Goldie (Georgia King, who is Scottish?!) is a gestational surrogate with a heart of gold. She is also younger than me, I just realized, which is BANANAS, but probably doesn’t matter to you. She’s a former teen mom who is acting as a surrogate to raise enough money to go to law school. And to think all I did was take out a few LSAT books from my college library. She, Bryan (Andrew Rannells), and David (Justin Bartha) become one of my favorite friend-families on T.V. right now. You get the feeling that even if she didn’t need the money, she’d still help the guys start their family, and that even if she wasn’t carrying their baby, Bryan and David would still do what they could to help her start her career and take care of Shania. I can’t wait to see how this family develops after the baby is born.

The Wacky but not too wacky plot lines
With its fairly involved premise, this show doesn’t really need to go to extreme on the plot lines. Almost everything is plausible, and some lean toward the classic sitcom setups — but if you want a mindless half-hour of tv that doesn’t change the face of sitcom television, this is it. A few favorites: the group goes gadget-free, causing Shania to get a little too into Pilgrim character; Tofurkey causes Thanksgiving dissent; a babyproofer apparently hates fun and Christmas.