Old School Loves

Lena Dunham recently did an interview with Grantland in which she talks about one of her favorite Tumblrs, called Old Loves. The site contains photos of celebrities who used to date – most of whom are couples that most of us forgot about (Or just really amazing pictures of couples that used to be. RIP Brit +JT). This is what happened when she recently perused

“The craziest thing that ever happened to me, was like, Old Loves is my passion, I check it like once a week. It’s how I kick back on like a Friday night … And I was going through it and I saw my boyfriend and his girlfriend from high school. I know I shouldn’t spill that in a public forum, but you can Google it… She’s beautiful, he’s beautiful, but it was just so surreal to be looking through this blog that gives me so much pleasure and then there’s my boyfriend. And I was like, ‘My mind is going to explode.'”

So this is the picture Lena came across featuring her fun. BF Jack Antonoff…

Yup. That’s a young Scarlett Johansson. They both went to the Professional Children’s School in New York City and apparently dated from 2001 until 2002. And then she got super famous and he wrote a song called Better Love, accusing her of letting the fame get to her head. Woof.

I explored the site for myself and found some gems that are on the same level (or better) of “WTF, THEY DATED?!” as Scarlett + Jack. Are there any on this list that blew your mind as much as it did mine??

David Arquette + Drew Barrymore, 1991

These two were teenagers when they first hooked up and dated in 1991, and eight years later, he played brother Rob to her Josie Geller in Never Been Kissed. You know who has been kissed? Those fake siblings. Josie Grossie indeed.

Charlie Sheen + Kelly Preston, 1989

Long before Charlie Sheen was WINNING Charlie Sheen, he was engaged to a young Kelly Preston pre-Travolta. Allegedly there was a rumor going around that he accidentally shot her in the arm (sidenote: holy crap I never knew this story!). Charlie tells this story that basically this revolver he used to carry in his pants pocket accidentally went off when she picked up his jeans, and the shrapnel hit her arm, thus causing her to bleed. What. TIGER BLOOD, Y’ALL.

Alyssa Milano + Scott Wolf, 1995

Alyssa and Scott met on the set of their 1993 movie Double Dragon, and they immediately knew they’d get married to each other. Scott literally said “People get all oogily around us.” Gag me with a spoon. But he also said, “You can interview us 25 years from now – and we’ll prove we’re not just another couple who met on a movie set.” Ok guys, 2018 – make sure someone from People contacts them for a follow-up interview.

Heath Graham + James Woods, 1992

Heather and James first met while she was studying at UCLA, and then later went on to film the movie Diggstown together, but according to James, they spent “every day together for a year”. But the start to an end was when he basically admitted he was only dating her because she was blonde and had big boobs. What a skeeze. Oh and if you can’t tell from this picture, there is a 23 year age different between them.

Connie Britton + Nathan Fillion, 1997

I couldn’t exactly find evidence these two dated, but they did attend the 1997 Emmy Awards together, as seen from this pic. They were in Spin City together, but did romance happen offscreen too? We’ll probably never know, y’all.

Geri Halliwell + Jerry O’Connell, 2003

Jerry spiced up his life with a blonde Ginger, but this romance didn’t last long…

Guliana Rancic + Jerry O’Connell, 2003

Because he quickly moved on to dating E! News host Giuliana Rancic (nee, DePandi at the time). In fact she was dating Jerry when she first met her hubs Bill Rancic, and Jerry kind of had a weird prophecy about their romance. Bill said, “I was at NBC up fronts promoting The Apprentice. O’Connell was on an NBC show, and he jokingly said, ‘I’d introduce you to my girlfriend but I’m afraid the two of you would run off together.’ ” And they lived happily ever after

 

Linda Blair + Rick James, 1982

First of all, how disturbing is this picture??? Rick wrote his song Cold Blooded about his lady love, but his drug abuse problems were too much for Linda to handle, so she broke it off.

Brad Pitt + Christina Applegate, 1989

Christina met Brad when she was 16, as they had the same group of friends. This pic was taken when she brought him as her date to the MTV Movie Awards – except she ended up ditching Brad that night to leave with another guy!!! Poor choices.

Sofia Coppola + Keanu Reeves, 1992

Keaunu met Sofia when her father, Frances Ford Coppola directed him in the film Dracula. Hm. Good thing he already had the part before they started dating.

 Molly Ringwald + Adam Horovitz, 1987

No one really knows exactly how long the 80s starlet and 80s rapper dated, but per interviews in which he talked about her, their romance lasted about a year. This couple seems unlikely, but the more I think about it, the more it reminds me of a Claire/Bender relationship a la Breakfast Club. Opposites attract?

Matt Damon + Skylar Satenstein

Okay, so the woman holding Matt Damon’s hand is Skylar Satenstein, who isn’t a celebrity on her own, but definitely has been linked to some high profile names. Matt and Skylar dated while he was at Harvard, and she was an emergency medical physician. In fact she was the inspiration for Minnie Driver’s character appropriately named Skylar in Good Will Hunting. Skyler went on to date OJ Simpson (totally getting a Nicole Brown Simpson vibe from her, no?) and went on to marry -then divorce Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich.

River Phoenix + Martha Plimpton, 1989

I guess their relationship was high-profile at the time, but I no idea they were a thing, seeing as how I was like 8 when they dated. They starred in two movies, including the Oscar nominated film, Running On Empty, together, and attend the Academy Awards hand in hand that year. Their relationship ended because she objected his drug use, and he died from an overdose in 1993.

Fred Armisen + Martha Plimpton, 2006

Martha Plimpton got around, huh? This was pre-Elisabeth Moss shitshow, and while I appreciate Fred as a comedian, between these two headstrong ladies, I can’t help but think he’s common denominator in the breakups. But what do I know?

Tracy Chapman + Alice Walker

alice tracy

Tracy Chapman and Alice Walker were in a relationship in the mid 1990s. They kept it quiet in the public eye, but apparently it was common knowledge among the people in their circles. In 2006, Alice told The Guardian, “My life is not to be somebody else’s impact – you know what I mean? And it was delicious and lovely and wonderful and I totally enjoyed it and I was completely in love with her but it was not anybody’s business but ours.” I think the most important thing to take out of this is ALICE WALKER IS A LESBIAN??? (I’ve never read her stuff, does she talk about it?? Apologies for my ignorance if this is the case)

Heather Graham + Heath Ledger

I like to think that Heath only ever dated Michelle Williams, so this pairing is odd to me. Heather and Heath dated in 2000 after meeting in a club in Prague (because, Hollywood). He even called her his muse at one point. She was also 10 years his senior, but clearly, age ain’t nothin but a number to Heather, right James Woods?

 

Golden Globes 2014 – Best and Worst Dressed

Well folks, with the Golden Globes behind us, awards season is officially in full swing. And with that, Hollywood’s best and brightest call up their designer friends (or really, vice versa) for hand-picked gowns which will either be feted or shat upon. and we’re here to add to the noise. Did your favorites make the list? Think we got it wrong? Let us know!

Traci’s Picks:

Best Dressed

Lupita Nyong’o in Ralph Lauren

I mean can you even. I remember when Gwyneth Paltrow was one of the first ladies to wear a cape to the red carpet– and I wasn’t sure about this new fad. However with Lupita I am SO SO SO into it. She looks flawless, with a beauty that isn’t trying too hard – or trying at all. She may not have won a Globe but she should be at the top of everyone’s best dressed lists.

Amy Poehler in Stella McCartney

Well, no surprise here. Amy is wearing one of her fave designers and that friendship has worked to her advantage because the dress looks perfect on her (it’s worth noting that it was custom made for Queen Amy). The only thing that makes it look better – her Golden Globe.

Amy Adams in Marchesa

I love a good color block. And Amy looks gorge in this gown, which apparently was inspired by her American Hustle costumes. And I’m ok with it.

Olivia Wilde in Gucci

It delights me when pregnant celebs opt to show off their baby bumps but still manage to look glamorous at the same time. This is pregnancy chic, y’all.

Sarah Hyland in Georges Hobieka

Sarah Hyland is usually on the cusp of my lists- either for the better or the worse but this time around it’s for the better. She looks ethereal in this flowing salmon dress and her Valentino runway inspired hair is the perfect match for the gown.

Worst Dressed

Paula Patton in Stephane Rolland Couture

Paula Patton’s dress at the Golden Globes or a Georgia O’Keefe painting come to life? Talk about your Blurred Lines. Amirite, ladies?

Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung

Oh Zoe. You’re usually on top of it on the red carpet, but instead, you took it, chopped it up and vomitted it back out and came back with this thing.

Edie Falco in Lanvin

I wouldn’t pin Edie Falco as a fashion trendsetter per say, but she’s been to enough of these awards shows to know that this does not look good – either IRL or on camera. It looks like she got some satin from the sheets of Hugh Hefner’s bed and placed it on top of her person. Stop imagining Hefner’s bed.

Drew Barrymore in Monique Luhillier

Remember what I said about pregnancy chic? Yeah, this isn’t it. Bless. Still love you Drew.

Bernice Bejo in Giambattista Valli

If you’re wondering who this is, you’ll probably remember her as the girl in The Artist, you know that huge movie from a couple years ago? Yeah. It’s been a while since she’s see these awards shows, so let’s just blame it on that.

Molly’s Picks:

Best Dressed

Lupita Nyong’o in Ralph Lauren

Just really shamelessly getting another picture of Lupita Nyong’o onto the site. Traci nailed it: Nyong’o isn’t even trying to be so beautiful (short hair, light makeup), she just IS. So, the perfect dress for her has a bit of interest (the cape) but is otherwise minimalist so the focus is on Lupita, not the clothes.

Michelle Dockery in Oscar De La Renta

Be sure to look at some close-ups of the pattern and beading on this. As a fellow milk-white person, I appreciate how Dockery really sells her coloring. Elegant works better for Michelle’s look than edgy, and she knows it, but the mullet skirt adds an on-trend touch.

Cate Blanchett in Armani Prive

Somehow, despite being a gown of sheer black lace with Swarovski crystals on the tulle-lined skirt, this manages to look restrained. In close-ups, the bodice is beautifully constructed.

Mila Kunis in Gucci

There’s restraint, and then there’s “screw it, this is one of the most formal events a person gets to go to and I’m going to wear a fabulous metallic silver gown.” I like that approach, too. The delicate lower part of the skirt balances the heavy metallics and bold neck detail.

Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta

I’ll be honest: this actually falls somewhere between best and worst for me, but it’s getting a lot of buzz and I think we should talk about it. I can’t decide whether I LOVE the monochrome, multi-textured look as a whole, but the individual pieces (shoes! crop top!) are fab. I think there was something “off” about Deschanel’s eye makeup, because every time I saw her I thought she looked different than usual around the eyes – sleepy, almost.

Worst Dressed

Emma Watson in Dior

Let’s call a spade a spade: this is a glorified apron. Remember when skorts and culottes were in style, and you’d go into third grade and be like “guess what? This isn’t really a skirt!” That isn’t a good approach on the red carpet. Watson gets points for trying something different, and for the color combo of that dress (drants? dracks? dreggings?) and those shoes.

Megan Mullally

Oh, honey. No.

Julia Roberts in Dolce and Gabana

Roberts’ look is “trying something on over your clothes because there’s no open fitting room” or “overly modest Duggar-type girl who wears extra shirts under everything so nobody can see her collarbone.” The only excuse for this is if Roberts got some bad sleeve tats and doesn’t want us to see.

Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung

Prabal Gurung is hit or miss with me, and this was a wide miss. One commentator said that this evokes Saldana’s “ballet background,” which I guess is true, in that it looks like several of my five-year-old niece’s recital costumes sewn together.

Usher in Calvin Klein Collection

This is already making some best dressed lists, but I’m going to go against the grain and say that there’s a time and a place for an Oxblood suit. The time is never and the place is nowhere.

Live Blog: Golden Globes 2014

Good evening (or afternoon, depending) and welcome to our 2014 Golden Globes Live Blog! Today, as always, please refresh your browser window periodically to load our updates. Keeps the “live” in “live blog,” you know. You can also find us on twitter throughout the event: @cookiessangria

Preshow

M: First thing I saw when I turned on the preshow was Lupita Nyong’o in a red dress with a cape. She has sleek, side-parted hair like a debonair gent in the Gatsby era, or young Isabella Rosselini. I say both of those as a huge compliment. Also, she recently graduated from Yale. And most importantly, she has the most perfect face ever. Honestly, just try to find something wrong with her face.

lupitanyongo

AND THEN. AND THEN. Biggest game-changer ever. Amy Adams is ALSO wearing a red dress with a cape. Ho-ly shit. How did this happen? Even small-town prom dress shops won’t sell the same dress to two girls going to the same prom.

Never fear. The cape (coat?) came off.

Does Tina Fey’s Dress have umbrellas printed on it?????  In case you missed it, the little tiny man from E! offered to help her and her big ol’ dress train down the stairs, then just dropped her off at the banister and said “here, use the railing.” Rude. Also her dress does not have umbrellas printed on it, I just need to be less resistant to wearing my glasses.tinafey

Sarah Hyland looks like she’s from Game of Thrones. Note: I don’t watch Game of Thrones but I know it’s the one with the Pinterest-y braids and bad weddings.

hyland

Amy Adams is wearing a dress that is two shades of red, with red hair, on a red carpet. I’d complain about too much red but having spent a lifetime hearing what colors redheads CAN’T wear, Amy Adams can do what she wants.

Giuliana Rancic and Margot Robbie just had a conversation that played out like an awkward bar closing time pickup. To wit:

G: So… are you single?

M: …yes.

G: Ah, well not for long! Maybe you’ll meet someone tonight!

M: Well, I’m not really into actors…

G: [eyes light up]

Kerry Washington looks like a beautiful pregnant snowball.

washington

Kerry Washington never spills.

M: Jennifer Lawrence… Jennifer Lawrence. As a mere mortal, I CANNOT wear 30 yards of white fabric literally tied directly under my ass, but Jennifer Lawrence isn’t the rest of us and it kind of looks okay. Or possibly like ascot opening day.

Sosie Bacon… your father may be only six degrees from everyone… you may call Tina Fey and Amy Poehler “Tina and Amy,” but your first name is still “Sosie” and your last name is still “Bacon.” I’ll always have that on you.

M: Matt Lauer, who looks increasingly like a grizzled sociology professor, just talked about Renaissance paintings. Slow your roll, Lauer. We’re not here for class. We’re here to watch pretty people get shiny things.

I may be making this up in my head… I’m probably making this up in my head… but they’re interviewing Tina and Amy, who are both just radiantly lovely, and does Amy Poehler look nervous? Probably not, right? Probably just that fluttery feeling you get when you’re about to KILL at something but it’s not time for you to do it yet. By the way, Tina Fey’s dress does NOT look like umbrella print, but maybe it’s some sort of Rorschach thing, and I was just projecting that my feelings for Tina Fey can best be summed up by Rihanna’s pop hit “Umbrella.”

Let’s talk about Michelle Dockery. Somehow, to me she always looks like Lady Mary dropped into a different milieu. She looks like if Lady Mary were a 2010s television actress, right now. Her dress is shimmery embossed perfection.

dockery

upstairs.

M: Matt Damon has greying temples. I’m not ready for this. He looks great, but he’ll always be the little scamp from Good Will Hunting to me.

And now, the queen of really iffy sounding blind items, Hayden Panettiere! Her brooch looks like a bow from a Christmas package. Her hair looks like it’s trying to be both a Mohawk but a full head of hair as well. Girl, you can’t have your cake and look like a dumbass too.

Kerry Washington is doing that thing where you cup your pregnant belly so that people know you’re not just fat. Hey ladies: you can pull that same move to get people to give up their seats for you on the bus, pregnant or not.

Cate Blanchett, who looks very pretty, just said that when deciding to do Blue Jasmine, Woody Allen “is all a girl needs to hear.” Is she trolling us, or is she hosting the 2014 Golden Globes Create Your Own Punchline Contest?

Tina Fey And Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniels’ The Butler Golden Globe Awards

M:Traci, when you get here can you tell me whether the GGs are held in a residential neighborhood? Because the aerial view was weird.

T: ^^ it’s in Beverly Hills, – so residential adjacent

T: HI FRIENDS I’M CHIMING IN AS MUCH AS I CAN BECAUSE I’M AT WORK AND I’M A REALLY GOOD EMPLOYEE. I can’t even focus because Amy and Tina are stunningly beautiful. Like my eyes can’t handle it.

M: Yes. Like, I needed them to train the camera on Martin Scorcese for a bit to give my eyes a break. There are still great roles for “Meryl Streeps” over 60, says Tina. Tina has one of those glorious hair-cape heads of hair, like Kate Middleton.71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show

Tina Fey: “George Cloooney would rather float into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” ZING.

Tina Fey again: Matthew McConoghey lost 45 pounds … or what actresses call ‘being in a movie.”

T: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: The only people who can make a joke about slavery and get away with it.

M: Yeah, it’s like a charming joke about slavery when they do it.

T: “The Blacklist is who’s invited to my room tonight” – ME TOO TINA. ME TOO.

M: Sandra Bullock, color blocking like a BOSS. (My boss doesn’t color block, he mostly wears button-ups and slacks.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine

Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle

Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years A Slave

Julia Roberts, August: Osage County

June Squibb, Nebraska

Molly’s Pick: Lupita Nyong’o

Traci’s Pick: Jennifer Lawrence

Winner: Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence: I actually DID watch all of the movies this year… well not all of them, you know what I mean.

T: J Law, never one to disappoint. I hope the HFPA keeps giving you awards even though you don’t want them to.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing On The Edge

Janet McTeer, White Queen

Hayden Panettiere, Nashville

Monica Potter, Parenthood

Sofia Vergara, Modern Family

Molly’s Pick: Monica Potter. I missed season 4 so I just watched it on Netflix, and HOLY COW why didn’t somebody warn me NOT to watch season 4?

Traci’s Pick: Monica Potter. It’s about damn time Parenthood got recognized and if cancer’s what it takes, then so be it.

Winner: Jacqueline Bisset

M: I don’t know who was expecting that less, us or Jacqueline Bisset. But, judging by her speech, it was Jacqueline Bisset. My favorite part was when the audio cut out, only to return on the word “shit.” My least-favorite part was the rest of it.

T: Um is Jaqueline Bisset going to pass out? Slash is it embar that I always think she’s related to Jackie O? (Is she related to Jackie O?) Is she gonna vomit? OH MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. INCLUDING THAT TIME THE NATIVE AMERICAN ACCEPTED FOR MARLON BRANDO.

PS: Monica Potter was ROBBED.

M: Seconded. You should all watch Parenthood Season Four. Or, maybe don’t? Shit gets real.

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN (FX Networks)

BEHIND THE CANDELABRA (HBO)

DANCING ON THE EDGE (Starz)

TOP OF THE LAKE (Sundance Channel)

WHITE QUEEN (Starz)

Molly’s Pick: American Horror Story

Traci’s Pick: Behind the Candelabra

Winner: Behind The Candelabra

M: Well, apparently we didn’t set this up with our predictions, but Elisabeth Moss just won Best Actress in a MiniSeries, etc. for Top of The Lake. She looks very Lady Mary tonight and it just took her about 8 minutes to navigate her way to the stage. It’s going to run late, solely because of all of the damn walking. Really, if I wanted to watch people walk medium-slow I would have gone to the mall at 7am when they open early for the mall walkers.

T: Fact: I hated HATED Top of the Lake, but Elisabeth Moss was so so good in it. If there’s some kind of montage on YouTube that just shows the scenes that she’s in, watch that, because the whole thing is the worst.

M: I’m so glad you said that, because I watched the first episode and decided that I just couldn’t deal with all that. Let’s take a moment to appreciate that Google Docs (where we’re drafting this) actually recognized that “Elizabeth Moss” was a mistake. You know there’s a real-life Elizabeth Moss out there who hates this feature.

M:Jonah Hill and a blonde woman stumble over a category because there’s no teleprompter. Shouldn’t he be funnier making things up as he goes along? Speaking of funny, they’re introducing Wolf of Wall Street, so I can maybe figure out how it’s in the comedy category.

Nope. Still don’t get it. But there was a shot of Gwyneth Paltrow opening a water bottle, so don’t worry, Goop is hydrated.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan

Michael Sheen, Masters Of Sex

Kevin Spacey, House Of Cards

James Spader, The Blacklist

Molly’s pick: Bryan Cranston

Traci’s Pick: Bryan Cranston

Winner: Bryan Cranston

T: Vince Gilligan has already taken off his tie, because he knows he already has these wins in the bag? Probs.

M: Definitely. His night was over before it began.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

BREAKING BAD (AMC)

DOWNTON ABBEY (PBS)

THE GOOD WIFE (CBS)

HOUSE OF CARDS (Netflix)

MASTERS OF SEX (Showtime)

Molly’s Pick: Breaking Bad

Traci’s Pick: Breaking Bad

M: Aaron Paul took it away with a “yeah, bitch!” How did the censors not realize the inevitable end to any sentence spoken by Aaron Paul?

T: Well I think since they already accidentally miss-bleeped Jaqueline Bisset’s ‘SHIT’, and a few camera angles are out of sync, NBC is doing what it does best – fucks up.

M: The dude who just won for best score looks like Mokkiki from SNL. I feel like he’s about to do the Sloppy Swish.

T: He also looks like he just came off the boat with Robert Redford. Also P Diddy Sean Combs Puff Daddy Diddy Dirty Money is SUCH a ham in whatever he does. It’s like I anticipated him to takeover the mic while Washed Ashore accepted his award.

M: I just sat there while he was speaking trying to remember the proper form of address for him. I haven’t had such struggles since I lived in Spain and had to decide whether to “tu” or “usted” somebody.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE

“Atlas”, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

“Let It Go”, Frozen

“Ordinary Love”, Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom

“Please Mr Kennedy”, Inside Llewyn Davis

“Sweeter Than Fiction”, One Chance

Molly’s Pick: Let it Go

Traci’s Pick: Let It Go

Winner: Ordinary Love

M: I just said WHAAAAAT?! out loud. Okay, we all love Bono, but get a grip, Hollywood Foreign Press. He doesn’t have to win all the time.

M: Is there a reason Puff Combs Daddy Money just said “let it go, let it go, let it go” to the tune of let it snow? Just to stick it to Idina Menzel? HER YEAR HAS BEEN HARD ENOUGH.

T: The only reason U2 winning is worth it: close-up shots of Idris Elba. ::insert emoji with heart eyes::

Gratuitous Photo of Idris Elba. JK, no photo of him is gratuitous. We need this.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Josh Charles, The Good Wife

Rob Lowe, Behind the Candelabra

Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

Corey Stoll, House Of Cards

Jon Voight, Ray Donovan

Molly’s Pick: Rob Lowe

Traci’s Pick: Aaron Paul – but Corey Stoll was SO good in House of Cards.

Winner: John Voight

T: UGH JON VOIGHT? THE GUY WHO WEARS THE EXACT SAME TUX/OUTFIT TO EVERY AWARDS SHOW? OVER AARON PAUL? And is there some kind of vacuum up at the mic where people suddenly lose their voice? Get it together, folks.

M: You may know Jon Voight from seeing talking about his beef with his daughter, Angelina Jolie, on Access Hollywood.

Also if you lick Jon Voight’s face (DON’T DO THAT) you would get botulism. So much botox in there.

T: SURPRISE: ROBERT DOWNEY JR. And he just winked and I feel like it was directly towards me.

M: Oh, I think it WAS toward you. Don’t doubt it.

Just this morning I was reading about how RDJ was possibly the secret celebrity source behind the blind item comments on CDaN and now I can’t look at him without thinking he’s the Gossip Girl of Hollywood.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Amy Adams, American Hustle

Julie Delpy, Before Midnight

Greta Gerwig, Francis Ha

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Enough Said

Meryl Streep, August: Osage County

Molly’s pick: Meryl Streep

Traci’s pick: Meryl Streep. Because, Meryl Streep.

T: Aww J Law is just as happy for Amy Adams as she was for winning her own award! If anyone should win over Meryl, it’s Amy.

Jessica Chastain, Taylor Swift

I bet T. Swift congratulated Chastain for her work in American Hustle. I understand.

M: How DARE the music cut off Amy Adams! Oh, Amy Adams totally just shut that down and told the music that it couldn’t play her out of talking about her daughter. Adorable. I love Amy Adams so much that I’m going to make myself some flashcards or something to learn how to tell her, Isla Fisher and Jessica Chastain apart. I should be better at this but evidently all skinny red-haired white ladies look the same to me.

T: The Modern Family table always looks like they had a good time at these drinking events. I’d like to sit at the table. Or the Parks and Rec table. Or the SNL-alum table/whereever Jimmy Fallon is.

M: Oooh, I’m going for Parks and Rec table, because they look like they have so much fun together. But if they put Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers at the same table, that might be fun. Or I guess anywhere with a clear eye-line toward Idris Elba.

T: “HEY YOUR NAME IS SOSIE – WHAT ARE YOU THE OLYMPICS?!?!?” I CANNOT. Poehler as a tiny boy is A++++. She did that in SNL a bunch, right?

M: Yeah, anytime Amy Poehler plays an under-18 is A+ and I wish there was a way to make that sound less creepy.a

b
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black

Taylor Schilling, Orange Is The New Black

Kerry Washington, Scandal

Robin Wright, House Of Cards

Molly’s Pick: I can’t do this. I guess Tatiana Maslany, which is probably wishful thinking on my part – but if either Maslany, Schilling, or Washington wins, I will be jumping for joy.

Traci’s Pick: I think if Tatiana Maslany has a shot at winning any award it will be for this one. So I’m taking a shot and saying her. But like Molly, I will jump for joy and spill red wine all over my white trench coat if Kerry Washington wins.

Winner: Robin Wright

M: So, literally the only person I didn’t really care about? Cool.

T: Hey Robin Wright gave a shout out to the best acceptance speech giver in the world – Merritt Wever at the Emmys. I want to rewatch that a million times over and over again right now.

M: Here ya go: Agreed, best ever.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips

Daniel Bruhl, Rush

Bradley Cooper, American Hustle

Michael Fassbender, 12 Years A Slave

Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club

Molly’s Pick: Bradley Cooper

Traci’s Pick: Jared Leto

Winner: Jared Leto

M: So, my main association with Jared Leto (other than Jordan Catelano) is when I used to read my sister’s Seventeen magazines when I was like 7, every issue contained all of these fawning pieces about Jared Leto. And I get it now, but I remember seeing him at the time and being really confused about it all. [In case you’re wondering, the rest of the magazine during that era was fashion spreads with a lot of plaid, and “Trauma-Rama” columns about girls accidentally calling their boyfriend’s mom instead of their own mom for, like, tampon problems.]

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE

Spike Jonze, Her

Bob Nelson, Nebraska

Jeff Pope & Steve Coogan, Philomena

John Ridley, 12 Years A Slave

Eric Warren Singer & David O Russell, American Hustle

Molly’s Pick: Spike Jonze

Traci’s Pick: Spike Jonze

Winner: Spike Jonze

M: Best part of this award? Emma Thompson presenting the award with her shoes in one hand and her drink in another.

T: I don’t think I’ve ever seen Spike Jonze or I just don’t ever remember his face? How adorable is he?

M: I was expecting someone completely different. This is also the first time I’ve realized that Jonze is a sassy homophone of Jones.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Jason Bateman, Arrested Development

Don Cheadle, House Of Lies

Michael J. Fox, The Michael J. Fox Show

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Molly’s Pick: Jason Bateman

Traci’s Pick: Jim Parsons

Winner: Andy Samberg

Andy Samberg: Stunned, like the rest of us

M: THRILLED about this, as was presenter Seth Meyers, who declared it the best night ever.

T: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I LITERALLY JUST STOOD UP AND JUMPED FOR JOY. IT’S LIKE THE BEST FLUKE EVER! LORNE MICHAELS IS STILL STOIC BUT SUCH A PROUD DAD  AHHH HE THANKED AKIVA AND JORMA TOO!! THE TINA/AMY PARTY IS GOING TO BE OFF THE HOOK TONIGHT. We just need Amy to win now and all will be right with the world.

M: I just flapped my hands. Jeeeeez. Also, Joanna Newsom looks super super pretty and I assume she has a lute or air-harp or gnome hidden in her dress.

M: This is sort of apropos of nothing, but this is by far the best picture to emerge from the night so far:jlaw

M: They just announced the best foreign language film and all I know is that it’s not the French one with the lesbians.

I LOVE that Julia Louis-Dreyfus is always up for an awards show bit (eg: pretending to ignore Tina and Amy while eating a hot dog with the works). jld

T: Also not wearing a tie: Idris Elba. Also who should just do away with everything else and strip down naked: Idris Elba.

M: No, I really think Idris Elba can wear a tie. [Just a tie.] [Actually that would be weird. So, either nothing or like, normal clothes.]

T: Emma Watson, the classiest Gryffindor broad this side of the pond. *cue P Diddy Dirty Money’s Let it Flowwww song*

M: Ugh is THAT what Diddy Daddy was trying to do earlier?

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

THE CROODS

DESPICABLE ME 2

FROZEN

Molly’s Pick: Frozen. Just like to point out that this is the only category while I’ve seen all the nominees.

Traci’s Pick: Frozen

Winner: Frozen

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Zooey Deschanel, New Girl

Lena Dunham, Girls

Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Amy Poehler, Parks & Recreation

Molly’s Pick: Amy Poehler. Please?

Traci’s Pick: Amy Poehler. If I put it out in the universe enough it will eventually happen.

Winner: Amy Poehler (!!!!!)

M: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Just like to point out that Poehler has been a comedy Susan Lucci. I mean, I’m sure Susan Lucci is very funny. Mostly physical comedy.

Tears sprang into my eyes when they showed the rest of the Parks cast.

T: I AM LIT’RALLY CRYING. TEARS ARE COMING OUT OF MY EYE HOLES. AND YES THE CAST IS SO SO PROUD OF HER AND I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH IT’S AS IF MY FRIEND JUST WON IS THAT WEIRD? I CAN’T STOP THE CAPS LOCK GUYS. I CAN’T STOP IT. SLASH I NEED TO FIND OUT WHERE THIS AFTER PARTY IS BECAUSE IT IS GOING TO BE RAGINNNNN

M: I’m like, leaving to go get a tissue-level crying.

M: Oh my god, was Tina’s comment that there was “a special place in hell” for Amy a throwback to T.Swift’s dumb comment about Amy and Tina? ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

Diane Keaton has sort of started to look like the Barbie Doll tribute version of herself.

NBC. Take a chill pill. They started cutting off the audio when Keaton said “God Damn” and kept going for about a minute. But they brought the audio back for a creep-tastic rendition of “Make New Friends.” Lucky… us?

By the way, Traci had to restart her computer but texted that she knew I was commenting on the creepy song. So, Cookies + Sangria Bi-Coastal Consensus: that shit was creepy.

She also told me that Taran Killam tweeted about the best score guy and Mokiki, so Taran, it’s cool that you read our blog.

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE

Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

Paul Greengrass, Captain Phillips

Steve McQueen, 12 Years A Slave

Alexander Payne, Nebraska

David O. Russell, American Hustle

Molly’s Pick: Steve McQueen

Traci’s Pick: Steve McQueen

Winner: Gravity

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

THE BIG BANG THEORY (CBS)

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Fox)

GIRLS (HBO)

MODERN FAMILY (ABC)

PARKS & RECREATION (NBC)

Molly’s Pick: Parks (should win); Modern Family or Girls (will win)

Traci’s Pick: Girls

Winner: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

T: OH MY GOD BROOKLYN NINE-NINE?!?!?! IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!?! MIKE SCHUR! CHELSEA PERETTI LOOKS SO PRETTY. This is just too much. I cannot handle this.

M: Everything is amazing right now. This is one of those dorky moments where I remember watching Chelsea Peretti on YouTube sketch comedy when I was in college, like 7 years ago and nobody had ever heard of her, and I just feel so happy for her right now.

By the way, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is really good and you should all watch it. I just didn’t pick it because I didn’t think it had a chance.

M: I just figured out what J.Law’s dress reminds me of. It’s those dolls you’d make by folding over a bunch of yarn then tying it in bunches around the waist and butt.

But don’t worry, the internet is ON IT like a bonnet:dress

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

Christian Bale, American Hustle

Bruce Dern, Nebraska

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf Of Wall Street

Oscar Isaac, Inside Llewyn Davis

Joaquin Phoenix, Her

Molly’s Pick: Leonardo DiCaprio. But I’ve heard enough things that happen in Wolf of Wall Street to emphatically NOT want to see it, and apparently it’s a comedy, too?

Traci’s Pick: I feel like Bruce Dern might take this one. Just like Kate Winslet, my heart lies with Leo.

Winner: Leonardo DiCaprio

T: I am standing and clapping for Leo. The one year Kate’s at home tending to her new kid, she’s not here to witness Leo winning. Also could this finally be the year the Oscars recognize Leo?

M: Fittingly, the celebrities who are responsible for about 50% of our blog traffic (Leo DiCaprio and Amy Poehler) have won (but they were winners in our hearts already). /plug/ By the way, have you seen our Leo and Amy posts? /plug/

M: SHOW US KATE JEEZ. Wait, is she there?

T: Sadly I don’t think so. Better things to do, like hang out with a baby. Her baby, not just any baby.

T: PS Sosie Bacon is NOT kidding around on this stage. She is hustlin.

M: Sosie Bacon is proving that she may have gotten this gig through nepotism, but she’s keeping it by handing out those damn trophies promptly and properly.

Also, re: Kate Winslet: I think my favorite thing about her, recently, is that she named her baby Bear, like the animal,  and then when asked if she’d give him the surname RocknRoll she was like “no, because I’m a fucking grownup.”

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

AMERICAN HUSTLE

HER

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS

NEBRASKA

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

Molly’s Pick: American Hustle. Or maybe not, because I didn’t realize it was a musical or comedy and I watched the whole thing.
Traci’s Pick: American Hustle

Winner: American Hustle

T: I’m going to be honest with y’all. I liked American Hustle. I did. But did I think it was great? Meh.

M: As I said, I didn’t even realize it was a comedy. I really enjoyed it, but if we’re ranking David O. Russell, Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence flicks, it’s got to be Silver Linings Playbook.

M: Tina Fey:  LIKE A SUPERMODEL’S VAGINA, LET’S ALL GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO LEONARDO DICAPRIO. [Then the censors had a tizzy and made the show silent for about 3 seconds. Suck it, NBC.]

T: Me, reacting to that Leo/supermodel zing:

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine

Sandra Bullock, Gravity

Judi Dench, Philomena

Emma Thompson, Saving Mr Banks

Kate Winslet, Labor Day

Molly’s pick: Kate Winslet??? Or statistically, probably an established, well-respected British dramatic actress?

Traci’s pick: Sandra Bullock – but my heart lies with Kate. Forever.

Winner: Cate Blanchett

My heart got all tingly when he said Kate’s name… and again when he said ‘CATE’… Blanchett. What a tease.

M: Me too! Is it just me, or did he say it with a special fondness (for Winslet) but just kind of normal (for Blanchett)?

T: Oh he DEFINITELY did. It was like, you guys know who I really want to name the winner, wink wink. #JackAndRoseForever

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years A Slave

Idris Elba, Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom

Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips

Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club

Robert Redford, All Is Lost

Molly’s pick: Chiwetel Ejiofor, because he was incredible and because I haven’t seen any of those other movies yet.

Traci’s Pick: Super tough category and I haven’t seen any of these films. I’m thinking Chiwetel Ejiofor, but the HFPA might go with a classic like Tom or Robert. So I’ll say my official answer is Matthew McConaughey.

Winner: Matthew McConaughey

T: Alright Alright Alright. Looks like my (nonsense) theory worked.

M: No. – Me, out loud, when Matt McC literally SAYS “alright alright alright.” And I wouldn’t doubt that theory, Traci. I’m using that for the Oscars.

T: Not related, but I’m obsessed with this gif of Kerry Washington.

M: McConaughey is like an SNL parody of himself. OH MY. Not related at all but did you see the back of Emma Watson’s “dress?”

IT’S AN ILLUSION.

T: Did anyone else catch that tender moment during the outro of Seth congratulating Amy??? My heart is exploding with happiness for her. STILL!

T: I stand by this statement: I do not get Johnny Depp. I do not think he is hot. Do not get his appeal. Do not get his faux French/British accent.

M: I have a theory that Johnny Depp is permanently stuck in a time warp from about 1995 – 1998. He doesn’t look like he, himself did during that time, but he always looks like a guy you’d see in 1997.

Best Motion Picture, Drama

12 YEARS A SLAVE

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS

GRAVITY

PHILOMENA

RUSH

Molly’s Pick: 12 Years a Slave

Traci’s Pick: 12 Years a Slave

Winner: 12 Years a Slave

T: I love that half the ballroom is standing up for them. TBH, I haven’t seen this movie. Oops. It’s on my list. don’t worry. He just called Sarah Paulson the Bette Davis of America. Yes.

M: I mean as long as you see it before the Oscars you’re good. Sarah Paulson looks like Galinda?

T: Well, folks, and like that another Golden Globes is over. Let it be known that this show should have just been called the 71st Annual Lee Daniels’ Tina Fey Holy Crap Amy Poehler and Andy Samberg Won Awards Awards.

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Best of C+S 2013: Celebrity Baby Names

We’ve had an amazing first year here at Cookies + Sangria, and we owe a lot of that to the best readers on the internet. As a “thank you” for making Year One so great, we’re closing out 2013 with a few of our favorite posts from the past 12 months. We hope you enjoy the look back, and we’ll see you in 2014 with new content in the new year! Happy Holidays!

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From Axl Jack to North West to more common names like Winnie Rose and Prince George, a bunch of unknowing babies were born to celebrities this year, but since a majority of them tend to pick the weird monikers of the name spectrum, would it really be that weird if any of these words would be made into names?

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Ten Words That Sound Like Celebrity Baby Names

{originally posted February 13th}

A universe without absurd celebrity baby names would be like a universe without circus peanuts. Some people adore them, some people abhor them, but the world would be a little less sweet — yet fully operational — without them.

I have compiled a list of words that sound like celebrity baby names, because that’s just the kind of lady I am. Note that all of these were chosen based on sound and spelling, not meaning.

Update: As of June 2013, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their baby North West. Obviously, they’ve taken the “words that sound like celebrity baby names” thing to heart.

  • Rayon (Boy. It will go on to widespread use among commoners. After a few years, a celeb will use it on a girl to be “edgy.” The Internet will be divided about that.) [Ed. note: A not-so-secret secret here at C+S is that we write/queue our posts up to a month in advance. A few weeks after I wrote this, this post appeared: a (non-celeb) Rayon already exists in the UK! I don’t want you all to feel scammed, so I’m adding a bonus eleventh name at the end of the list.]
  • Peplum (Girl. The mother is quirky and British or French. They call her Peppy.)
  • Cavalry (Girl. She will be aptly and unfortunately horse-faced.)
  • Madrina (Girl. The mother will explain that she is “named after my godmother.”)
  • Loafer (Boy. The mom will refer to him as Lo in interviews (in which she never shuts up about him.))
  • Gradient (Boy. It will go on to mass appeal with parents who like Grady but want “something more formal.” These are the same people who name their boys Brentson and Troyton but only ever plan to call them Brent and Troy.)
  • Attaché (Girl. An aging rocker’s child with a much younger woman. They will insist on calling her Che, but she will become Attie once she’s old enough to have opinions.)
  • Avarice (Girl. Looks like Ava + Alice + Beatrice, all of which are already “in” these days. I bet someone somewhere has already done this.)
  • Aril (Unisex. Starts as a boy name but becomes a popular misspelling of Ariel. Aril and Lira become a trendy twin name duo.)
  • Carton (Boy. With Carter, Carson, and names ending in -on as popular as they are, I’m surprised and disappointed that nobody has done this yet.)
  • Answer (Unisex. The parents will already have a kid with a word name, like Ever or Story — believe it or not, there are already 2 celebrity babies with each of those names. Names starting with A are popular, and it starts with Ann, which is a name, so I don’t even think this is too off-base. The parents will have some cheesy explanation for the name, like “She is the answer to our prayers!” or “Whenever he is questioning something, he only has to look to himself for the answer.” )

An Analysis Of The Jonas Brothers Breakup, Through Lyrics

The Background

The JoBros announced this week that they were cancelling their tour. “It is over for now,” said Kevin, the brother who is allowed to have sex now.  Their spokesman – not “a source,” but actual spokesperson – said “there is a deep rift within the band. There was a big a disagreement over their music direction.” Nick Jonas, who is supposed to be the cute one, maybe?, said “the pro is that you have a really good support system. The con is that you are with the same people every day for a long time, which, if you’re family or not, can be a lot at times.” Ouch. Joe Jonas, the other brother, who is neither the youngest nor the most sexually active of the group, added glumly, “it was a unanimous decision.” If you’ve been paying attention to the lyrics, you probably saw it coming.

Our “Qualifications”

Did you see our post, A Psychological Analysis Of Miley Cyrus’ Lyrics? It was published before any singles on Miley’s new album dropped, well before the fated VMA performance, and it foretold the very things concern trolls were going to say about Miss Destiny Hope months later. Clearly, there were some secrets in her songs, and I was just the lady to extract them, by poking and prodding and contorting her lyrics until secrets exploded out like horrible cystic acne.

So, it’s like I’m some kind of combination of a psychologist, a psychic, a literary analyst, and an esthetician*.  CBS or FOX could make a series about me solving stuff via blog and cast a way more attractive person in my place. They could call it The Blog Psychic or The Lyrical Psychologist, though the latter sounds more like a Weinstein-y Oscars bait piece, especially if they cast a more attractive person in my place but fit her with prosthetics to make her less attractive. Just, you know, do a Full Halle. Really Charlize it. All of that.

When I saw that the Jonas Brothers broke up, I knew the clues were in their lyrics, too. They had to be. So, I Veronica Mars’ed it a little. And friends, the signs were there all along.

The Evidence:

Time For Me To Fly

Lyrics:

Time for me to fly
Time for me to soar
Time for me to open up my heart and knock on heavens door
Time for me to live
It’s time for me to sing
Time for me to lay down all my worries and I’ll spread my wings
Time for me to fly

Analysis:

This is early, early Jonas Brothers – vintage 2006 – but obviously someone was already pretty over it. Some may say that the lyrics about “heaven’s door”, wings, and “lay[ing] down all my worries” are oblique references to death and heaven. To that I say, Yeah. EXACTLY. It was T-7 years until the demise of the JoBros and someone was already ready to die to get out.

That’s Just The Way We Roll

Lyrics:

I woke up on my roof with my brothers
There’s a whale in the pool with my mother
And my dad paints the house different colors
Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream?

Analysis:

First of all, as you enter your twenties – as the Jonas Brothers have maybe, probably all done by now – children of unstable homes, all roof-sleeping with large aquatic mammals in the pool, slapping the  house in the wackiest colors Benjamin Moore could dream of, learn to create a little stability for themselves. That’s why the old one got married, and had or is going to have a baby. I forget which. Does it really matter?

The Langston Hughes-y line at the end of the verse says it all: Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream? Truly, what happens to a dream deferred? Does it shrivel up like a raisin in the sun, leaving you stranded on a tour bus with your adult siblings, singing pop tunes to a rapidly waning fan-base of young girls? Or does it explode, like so much water from the blowhole of a swimming pool whale?

Pushing Me Away

Lyrics:

You’re going nowhere
Try to fix what you’ve done […]
Pushing me away
Every last word, every single thing you say […]
try to stop me now but it’s already too late […]
If you really don’t care then say it to my face
Pushing me away

Analysis:

Wow, guys. Just wow. Pretty prescient, right? Going nowhere? As in, staying in one place? Because you are not on tour? A tour where you would, presumably, be going somewhere? Pushing me away – as in, out of our Band of Brothers? Signs, signs, everywhere a sign.

Sorry

Lyrics:

Broken hearts and last goodbyes
Restless nights but lullabies
Helps to make this pain go away
I realize I let you down
Told you that I’d be around
Buildin’ up the strength just to say

I’m sorry
For breakin’ all the promises that I wasn’t around to keep
It’s all me
This time is the last time I will ever beg you to stay
But you’re already on your way

Analysis:

As the oldest Jonas Brother prepares to embrace fatherhood (lullabies!), he takes stock of his band’s inevitable breakup (last goodbyes!). He told his brothers he’d be around (because they’re brothers!) but ultimately wasn’t able to keep his promise (they broke up!). He begs the others to stay (“unanimous decision,” Joe? The lady doth protest too much.) Even five years ago, Kevin was planning his out as soon as he welcomed his firstborn. Perhaps before the band took off, he met the devil, disguised as an old jazz man or a swamp witch, who promised him fame and glory in exchange for his firstborn. Maybe that’s why it had to end now. Maybe that was the only way.

Don’t Speak

Lyrics:

I thought I was cool
But I just looked a fool
For so long
Now you’re gone […]
Don’t speak to me […]
I recall all our fights

Analysis:

As the first decade of the 2000s comes to a close, a Jonas Brother – maybe Nick, maybe not – realizes that he does not look as cool as he once thought he did. Once young enough to be ensnared by Disney’s glittery neon web, he has grown and changed since the band’s early days. He names his song after a hit single by No Doubt, hoping, praying, that it lends him some credibility – that it makes him cool, rather than looking like a fool. Sometimes the brothers do not speak, but they fight. And Nick, or whoever, remembers. How could he forget?

Found

Lyrics:

Kids gotta grow
This kind of life is bound to bore you
Yeah I should know
But you always seem to break the rhythm
In this messed up world

Analysis:

This 2013 tune could be one of the last the Jonas Brothers ever record, and it lays it all out there, raw and real. Children grow up. This kind of life – a pop trio with your brothers – is bound to bore you, no matter how many games of Mario Kart I imagine they play on their tour bus, how many bags of Cheetos and Sour Patch Kids are probably guaranteed on their tour rider. It is time to break the rhythm in this messed up world — to end the band. As Fleetwood Mac once said, time makes you bolder, children get older, and Joe, Nick, and Kevin are getting older, too.

* Note: this satire. I am not a psychologist, a psychic, a literary analyst, nor an esthetician. I have no insight into the Jonas Brothers breakup. I don’t even know which one is which. As in, I had to look up their names. I thought there was a Matt – like, really could have sworn there was a Matt. Are we sure they didn’t break up because they stopped asking Matt around? I feel bad for him.

The Kimye Pregnancy – A Retrospective

Over the past weeks, months, and — has it been years? — we’ve grown accustomed to the Kim Kardashian/ Kanye West pregnancy. It sort of seemed like it would always be here, you know? I mean it seemed like it would never END. But it’s over now, and maybe you’re starting to feel a little lost. Whose pregnancy couture will I judge now? Not Kate Middleton’s, because they’re putting her away until the baby comes. Whose baby names will I bet on? Again, not Kate Middleton’s, because there are like 10 acceptable Royal British Baby Names.

The only thing to do, then, is to look back at the fond memories. Grab a nice cup of tea, queue up some sentimental music (I suggest Bookends by Simon and Garfunkel), and remember the gestation that was.

Early December:

  • Kim Kardashian slams pregnancy rumors as “absolutely not true”.
  • Kim and Kanye are “just friends,” and she’s ostensibly involved with Gabriel Aubry.

Later December:

  • Kim Kardashian confirms pregnancy rumors as “absolutely true.”
  • The internet sees a spike in “I’mma let you finish” jokes — highest since 2009.

Winter-ish:

  • Kim and Kanye start to be sighted in public, looking like a couple who went to prom together because neither of them had dates yet.

Winter of my discontent:

  • Kim starts sporting “maternity fashions.” All of them are actually worse than the shirt my mom wore during all 4 of her pregnancies, a red number that read “I’m Not Fat, I’m Pregnant.” I want one of those, but only to wear when I’m looking a little fat, just to mess with people a bit.

The Longest Spring Ever:

  • Kim Kardashian keeps being pregnant. Forever. Never NOT pregnant. Also, Keeping Up With The Kardashians begins airing episodes that feature the pregnancy, because if there’s anything worse than going to the doctor, it’s going to the doctor with Kanye West’s fetus and Kim Kardashian.

May:

  • The invite to Kim’s baby shower is leaked (read: is released by Kris Kardashian). It looks like a prop from an episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark. When you’re asleep, the tiny Kardashian ballerina escapes, dances into your ear, films your insides, and licenses the footage to E!.
  • Rumor has it that the music box plays “Mama,” a very sweet song by Kanye. Is that really the most apt Kanye tune though? I like picturing Kanye staring into the music box, shell-sh0cked, as it chirps “18 years, 18 years, she got one of your kids, got you for 18 years…”.

June:

  • Kanye West cheating stories begin to surface. Kim laughs them off, but I bet it’s that kind of laughing where you’re also a little sad. And also no sound is coming out. Plus there are tears in your eyes. And your nose starts running.

Crying. She was probably crying.

  • While we’re talking about the Kanye West of it all, Amber Rose is pregnant, too! You may be familiar with Amber Rose from her previous work, standing near Kanye West at industry events and being photographed at basketball games.

    That help? The father is Wiz Khalifa, who I just found out is younger than me. Ugh. Can’t stand people who are younger than me.

FINALLY:

    • The pregnancy comes to a close. Kim has a baby girl. Twitter explodes into a million pieces. They don’t release the name right away because they HATE US and don’t want us to be happy.
    • Despite this being the longest gestation ever, the baby was somehow actually born early, most likely to coincide with the release of Yeezy’s new album. It’s nice to have everything drop the same week, you know?
    • Rumor has it the baby is named Kaidence Donda. I for-real almost called Cadence but spelled weird as the name. Donda, I’ll give you, because that’s Kanye’s late mom’s name. But Kaidence though? I can’t wait to see her compete in Little Miss Southern Arkansas Glitz Supreme in 2017 or so, because that is straight-up Toddlers and Tiaras business. Who knows – Media Takeout is almost always wrong, anyway.

Wait, no. Nope. Just kidding. North West is the name. Suddenly, my parents’ naming philosophy (“let the 8-year-old decide”) isn’t so bad. It’s a better tactic than “things your great-uncle would find funny,” anyway.

Funny. Now the name Kaidence sounds almost classy and beautiful. Well done, Kardashian-Wests. I suppose.

I hope the retrospective hasn’t made you miss the Kardashian pregnancy too much already. Whenever it gets tough, just remember — we haven’t lost a celebrity pregnancy, we’ve gained a celebrity baby.

Secret Couples That Aren’t So Secret

Because Hollywood is so Hollywood, it’s notorious for its brief, fickle, incestuous relationships between actors. Celebrities get married, and they break up 72 days later (looking at you, Kimmy K). But then there are couples you don’t really hear about that often and fly under the radar. Surprise, surprise, these are usually the ones that have lasted the longest. Or at least longer than most. Check out some celebrity couples that you may have never known were happily married.

Adrian Pasdar and Natalie Maines

Heroes reunion with Zaquinto!

How you know him: Nathan Petrelli on Heroes

How you know her: Dixie Chick

Status: Married since 2000, have two sons

Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally

Tammy alert!

How you know him: Ron Swanson, creator of the Pyramid of Greatness, lover of meats.

How you know her: Karen on Will & Grace, also Tammy 2 on Parks & Rec

Status: Married since 2003

David Cross and Amber Tamblyn

Cutting the cake on their wedding day!

How you know him: Tobias Funke, the never nude on Arrested Development

How you know her: Joan of Arcadia and Tibby on Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants

Status: Married since 2012, together since 2008. And since you’re wondering, she’s 29, he’s 49.

Taran Killam and Cobie Smulders

attractive couple is attractive

How you know him: One of the funniest cast members on SNL, impersonator of Andy Cohen, Michael Cera, and Robyn.

How you know her: Robin Scherbatsky/Robin Sparkles. Proud Canadian.

Status: Married since 2012, together since 2004. Have an adorable three-year-old daughter Shaelyn.

John Slattery and Talia Balsam

sterling’s gold.

How you know him: Silver fox Roger Sterling on Mad Men

How you know her: Roger Sterling’s ex-wife, Mona Sterling

Status: Married since 1998, have one son

Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone

can you feel that steam heat?

How you know him: Air marshal on Bridesmaids, the guy in the Target music teacher commercials

How you know her: Megan in Bridesmaids, Sookie St. James-Belville on Gilmore Girls, and possibly the best SNL host ever

Status: Married since 2005, have two daughters

Brian Benben and Madeleine Stowe

legit just found out this couple existed. i thought he was gay. oops.

How you know him: Dr. Sheldon Wallace on Private Practice

How you know her: Victoria Grayson on Revenge

Status: Married since 1982, have one daughter

Jay Mohr and Nikki Cox

ugh ew.

How you know him: Comedian, Jennifer Aniston’s love interest in Picture Perfect, douche agent in Jerry Maguire

How you know her: Unhappily Ever After, Nikki, Las Vegas

Status: Married since 2006, have two kids

Melissa Gilbert and Timothy Busfield

loving him was red

How you know him: Danny Concannon on The West Wing

How you know her: Child star/ Laura Ingalls Wilder on Little House on the Prairie

Status: Married this past April

Richard Schiff and Sheila Kelley

speaking of the west wing…

How you know him: Toby Ziegler on The West Wing

How you know her: One Fine Day, Lost, Aunt Carol Rhodes on Gossip Girl

Status: Married since 1996, have two kids

Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet

How you know him: Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones

How you know her: Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show, previously married to Lenny Kravitz, mother to Zoe Kravitz

Status: Married since 2007, have two kids

Odd Celebrity Run-Ins I’ve Had

Here’s a myth about living in Los Angeles: I see celebrities all the time. I do see them occasionally, but it’s not like I see one every day. However, when I do see one, it’s usually in the oddest of places and involves an awkward exchange of words. Here are some that come to mind.

Mario Lopez

Okay, this is technically way before I lived here, but a good story nonetheless. I was visiting family here in 2003, and I got tickets to see American Idol. I went with my dad, who honestly, I don’t think he had any idea what was going on, but I also made a sign that said, ‘I came all the way from Rochester, NY to see Justin win’. Yeah. Justin Guarini. Anyways, during commercials, the audience warm up guy announced that Mario Lopez was in the audience. I naturally freaked out because if there is any TV series that encapsulates my youth, it’s Saved by the Bell. So I got the balls to go up to him (because other girls were doing the same thing too) and I asked him for his autograph on a piece of paper ripped from a small notebook of the gal behind me in line. There he was, AC Slater, flashing his smile and dimples at me. He asked me what my name was and I said, ‘Traci’. He said oh how do you spell that? And I was all ‘T-R-A-C-I’, but apparently said it really fast, because he looked confused and it literally said, “To Traici, Love Mario Lopez.” To make it worse, I told him how much I love SBTB and how I’ve seen every episode, to which he smiled again and I ran away like a little girl.

Mindy Kaling

My friends and I were at Yogurtland, a popular self serve fro-yo place. We were sitting outside eating and I thought I spotted Talan from Laguna Beach go inside. I came up with a reason to get napkins just to see if it was in fact him. Turns out it wasn’t. Also turned out that the dispenser was out of napkins, and since I needed them anyways, I decided to go up to the cashier to ask for some. When I went up there, there was only one cashier, and I let her know that they were out of napkins. And then a line started forming and it took waayy too long and I started feeling guilty about just getting fake napkins. I said outloud, “You’d think they’d have more than one person working here, right?” Then a voice next to me said, “I know right?” Yeah, that person that responded to my offhand comment was Mindy Kaling. I ran away like a little girl.

Damien from Mean Girls

Ironically at the same Yogurtland, but a different time, I saw Damien (Daniel Franzese) with some girl. I think I was staring at him for too long because we made eye contact and he looked at me with some concern. A year later I saw him handing out flyers for a theater during a Christmas open house.

Jon Heder aka Napoleon Dynamite

I was picking up food I ordered from my favorite restaurant, Aroma cafe. There’s a TV behind the registers that usually plays old timey movies, and the one that was playing that day was a really odd one that was super low-budge and featured some woman with a huge gold headdress. While I was waiting to pick up my food, the guy next to me said, what movie is this? The cashier said it’s called She. And without even thinking that I shouldn’t be part of the conversation, I said, ‘She? That’s the name of it? So weird.’ Then the guy next to me looked at me and nodded in agreement before saying something else, and I realized I made small talk with Napoleon Dynamite.

Whitney Port

My friend Thom was visiting us in LA, and my roommate Meghan and I took him to one of the greatest cupcake places/tourist spots in the city – Sprinkles. This place is so popular that there is always a line out the door at the Beverly Hills location, but it’s so worth it. While waiting in line, a couple girls got out of a car and came up to us frantically saying, ‘We need a guy to sing happy birthday to!’ and I was like ‘Holy crap, that’s Whitney from The Hills! Slash it’s actually Thom’s birthday!!’ I immediately pointed to Thom, but he was having none of it and she’s like do you want to do it? We’re in a scavenger hunt and I need to sing happy birthday to a guy.’ Thom said no and she moved on. Ugh come on!

Tim Allen

At the stationery store I used to work at, a lot of celebs would come in looking for assistance, and I would have to act cool. I’d say the biggest star to come in was Tim Allen. At the time, I was by myself, and on the phone with a customer. Then I heard a man say, ‘excuse me’ and I turned around and it was Tim the toolman Taylor. He started asking me about an ink refill for his pen, and I promptly came up with an excuse to call the customer on the phone back. We didn’t have what he wanted, but he and his daughter ended up buying some stuff anyways. When he was checking out he said, “I’ll Paper your Goose.” The name of our store was Paper Goose.

Duck Lips

Duck Lips then…

Duck Lips now…

L.A. isn’t really known for its walkability. Everyone here drives. So often when there’s someone walking across the street illegally, I turn on the road rage. Last month, this very thing happened. I was coming to a stop in traffic when this guy just runs across the street to his car. I thought he looked familiar, like he went to my college or something because he looked super hipster and that’s my natural train of thought in LA – Emerson or celebrity? And thanks to Molly’s previous Full House where are they now post, I realized it was the guy who played Duck Lips on Full House who illegally crossed the street in front of my car. How rude.

Ten Words That Sound Like Celebrity Baby Names

A universe without absurd celebrity baby names would be like a universe without circus peanuts. Some people adore them, some people abhor them, but the world would be a little less sweet — yet fully operational — without them.

I have compiled a list of words that sound like celebrity baby names, because that’s just the kind of lady I am. Note that all of these were chosen based on sound and spelling, not meaning.

Update: As of June 2013, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their baby North West. Obviously, they’ve taken the “words that sound like celebrity baby names” thing to heart.

  • Rayon (Boy. It will go on to widespread use among commoners. After a few years, a celeb will use it on a girl to be “edgy.” The Internet will be divided about that.) [Ed. note: A not-so-secret secret here at C+S is that we write/queue our posts up to a month in advance. A few weeks after I wrote this, this post appeared: a (non-celeb) Rayon already exists in the UK! I don’t want you all to feel scammed, so I’m adding a bonus eleventh name at the end of the list.]
  • Peplum (Girl. The mother is quirky and British or French. They call her Peppy.)
  • Cavalry (Girl. She will be aptly and unfortunately horse-faced.)
  • Madrina (Girl. The mother will explain that she is “named after my godmother.”)
  • Loafer (Boy. The mom will refer to him as Lo in interviews (in which she never shuts up about him.))
  • Gradient (Boy. It will go on to mass appeal with parents who like Grady but want “something more formal.” These are the same people who name their boys Brentson and Troyton but only ever plan to call them Brent and Troy.)
  • Attaché (Girl. An aging rocker’s child with a much younger woman. They will insist on calling her Che, but she will become Attie once she’s old enough to have opinions.)
  • Avarice (Girl. Looks like Ava + Alice + Beatrice, all of which are already “in” these days. I bet someone somewhere has already done this.)
  • Aril (Unisex. Starts as a boy name but becomes a popular misspelling of Ariel. Aril and Lira become a trendy twin name duo.)
  • Carton (Boy. With Carter, Carson, and names ending in -on as popular as they are, I’m surprised and disappointed that nobody has done this yet.)
  • Answer (Unisex. The parents will already have a kid with a word name, like Ever or Story — believe it or not, there are already 2 celebrity babies with each of those names. Names starting with A are popular, and it starts with Ann, which is a name, so I don’t even think this is too off-base. The parents will have some cheesy explanation for the name, like “She is the answer to our prayers!” or “Whenever he is questioning something, he only has to look to himself for the answer.” )