McDonalds revealed the new Hamburglar last week, and the result was one that no man, woman, or child could ever have imagined. As news of the rebooted hamburger bandit sweeped the Internet, people were shocked to see this on their screen:

Yeah. This guy. So… Let’s start off with the fact that when I was growing up and McDonald’s was the place you’d get a Happy Meal and free toy and maybe get to go to the PlayPlace, the Hamburglar looked that this:

I mean, I see the similarities, but here’s my own main complaint – the new guy ISN’T A CARTOON. He’s like a person. Like the human neighbors that hang out on Sesame Street. And for some reason that’s really jarring for me.

Upon doing some brief research, the Hamburglar reboot is part of a new McDonald’s rebranding of the character, who is suburban dad by day and Hamburglar by night/after the kids go to school. He’s also a wanted man:

Okay…

What?

Who is this man?

Why does he look like Eddie Cibrian?

Is he supposed to be deviously hot?

If you’re wanted for stealing hamburgers, wouldn’t it be a dead giveaway by wearing a hamburger print tie?

When did the Hamburglar get dimples?

Does McDonalds do ‘gourmet’ burgs now?

What’s a “third pound”?

BTW the McDonald’s Twitter account is officially trying too hard, but I mean, you do you Mickey D’s. You do you. They later posted this video:

Why are you saying ‘Robble Robble’?

What does that even mean? How are you talking to America on social media if you’re “Wanted”?

Who is your wife?

I’m assuming she thinks you’re at work?

Is this your main source of income?

Are you at the party store because you bought that Hamburglar costume?

Apparently I’m not the only one who has questions, because a spokesperson from a McDonald’s released a statement clearing up the confusion over the new Hamburglar:

“The clip that was posted to Twitter this afternoon wasn’t a commercial. As part of Hamburglar’s takeover of the McDonald’s Twitter account, the short video shows his double life: grabbing Sirloin Third Pound Burgers while keeping his identity under wraps via a call back to his family in the suburbs.”

What?

Why does anybody need to be steal hamburgers?

Why did the Hamburglar even need a reboot at all?

Who is McDonald’s target demographic with this?

Why is he specifically stealing Sirloin Third Pound Burgers?

If it wasn’t a commercial, what is it?

And the hits kept coming…

So these Sirloin Third Pound Burgers are a ‘limited edition’??

Why does he want American to keep tweeting #RobbleRobble?

How is America going to help?

There should’ve probably been a better social media campaign than this?

McDonald’s is one of the biggest and most successful companies in the world why did they shoot this on a shotty green screen?

If you thought you were safe from the Hamburglar, think again. He’s probably coming to your city.

How is he getting to all these cities?

Is he going on a plane with this ridiculous get-up?

It doesn’t even look like he’s really eating this Third Pound?

Does he even like hamburgers?

Is this secretly a campaign to get America to stop eating hamburgs and start eating healthier?

Clearly I have a lot of questions about this new direction McDonald’s marketing & PR department is going in, but if it works for them, then good on ya. But in the meantime, I’ll still be asking all these questions. And I still won’t be close to eating at McDonald’s any time soon.

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