Chances are the in the past few years, a friend has e-mailed, tweeted, Facebooked, texted, MySpaced you a Buzzfeed link that fits your interests. But if you’ve ever browsed the actual site, there are a lot of random lists that you would never even think of making in the first place. And then there are ones that shouldn’t have even been made at all. Here are some that are just a waste of internet.
38 Signs You’re A Basset Hound
Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I a basset hound?” Well, here are some telltale signs that you do, in fact, have the best genes around.
– Socks are better for warming ears than warming toes.
21 Summer Pies To Make A Life In
Sometimes you find a pie so good that eating it isn’t enough. So good you just want to live in it. And WHY NOT?
– You could snooze on a whipped cream mattress…
10 Ridiculously Homoerotic Cowboy Themed Photos Of ’90s Male TV Stars
In the November 1996 issue of Details, photographer David LaChapelle took Simon Rex, James Marsden, Jerry O’Connell, and few other TV stars, and gave them a cowboy makeover. It’s weird.
– Sliders star (remember Sliders?) Jerry O’Connell in a vinyl vest! My only question, is that vest painted on?
The Top 10 Songs People Listen To After Dark
These are Spotify’s most-streamed tracks between 10 PM and 5 AM. Spotify’s calling it a “booty music” playlist.
– “Radioactive,” by Imagine Dragons
84 Things That Aren’t On An Everything Bagel (this list is absolutely absurd, disgusting, and slightly NSFW)
Yes, it’s called “everything”, but that’s not really true. These are what’s not included.
– Ernest Borgnine
20 Of The Craziest Bras Ever Created
Celebrate National No Bra Day by looking at bras that will make you never want to wear bras.
– You can ward off unwanted groping in this.
I want to apologize if it looked like I was yelling at you in the title, but I really see no other way to type SHARKNADO other than in all caps.
Alright, you may have heard about this so bad it’s good (or so bad it’s bad) movie that debuted on the SyFy channel last week. Nearly 1.4 million people tuned in to find out what kind of havoc SHARKNADO can possibly create. So many people were talking about it on Twitter (which is why it inspired me to do this very post) that it generated more tweets than that controversial *NO SPOILERS* Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones a few weeks ago. AND there’s also talk about a sequel. What next, SHARKSUNAMI? I didn’t really know much about the movie before previewing approx 10 minutes of it, but I gathered that by the title alone, (and the poster) it was about a tornado full of sharks. I was right.
Does anyone remember Sharktopus that was on SyFy a few years ago? (Again, it’s exactly what it sounds like) I figured that SHARKNADO was in the same vein, so basically ridiculousness at its finest. Fun fact: the lead character that is not Eric Roberts went to my college and we had a marketing class together. If I had known he was going to be in Sharktopus… I still wouldn’t have talked to him. Alright folks, here we go! And obviously, spoiler alert.
The movie starts off literally with a tornado of sharks over the ocean. like the tagline says, “Enough said.”
Apparently we’re getting a brief preface before the “real” action happens. 20 miles off Mexico in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, there is hardass Captain who has caught a bunch of sharks and cut off their fins. He’s trying to sell them off to an Asian man who is going to use them for shark fin soup. Contrary to the fact that I am Asian, I honestly would never have known that this is a thing that a lot of Chinese restaurants sell. Like they literally cut off the shark fins, let the sharks die, and then stick the fins in some soup. Why do I know this? Because Kyle Chandler was on Ellen talking about how his daughter is on a crusade to stop Chinese restaurants in Texas from selling said soup. Coach is still teaching us life lessons, y’all. But is this supposed to be like a subliminal message telling us shark finning is bad? Is this movie sponsored by Oceana? Because it’s working.
Legitimate question – are there really this many sharks off the coast of Mexico? Why is there a dense population of sharks there? Because if so, remind me to never go there while out on my shark finning scuba diving crusades.
The hardass Captain in the middle of the stormy ocean gets enveloped by the SHARKNADO, then immediately cuts to a sunny shot of the Santa Monica pier and Tara Reid’s name in the credits. THE MOST JARRING SCENE CHANGE EVER.
Also, this takes place in Los Angeles?!? GREAT. Good thing I live far enough away from the water to immediately get attacked by sharks. And Ian Ziering.
Speaking of Ian Ziering, he owns a bar right at the end of the Santa Monica pier called Fin, and the locals are watching the news, where they report that a storm’s a brewin and its name is Hurricane David…. And the guy at the bar who just grabbed the butt of the ‘sexy’ waitress looks oddly familiar. OH IT’S BECAUSE HE’S THE DAD FROM HOME ALONE. And unfortunately, the creepy guy character actually suits him.
Meanwhile, Ian is out surfing when the girl he’s flirting with suddenly gets eaten by a shark. He’s legit yelling, “SHARKS, GET OUT OF THE WATER! SHARKS!” to everyone on the beach yet no one is listening to him. These bitches are being eaten left and right. You really should’ve listened to Steve Sanders when you had the chance.
HOLD UP. IAN ZIERING’S NAME IN THIS MOVIE IS FIN? HAHAHAHAHAHA
The TV reporter says, “Global warming is DEFINITELY the cause of this event.” Again, is there an underlying message here SyFy? They’re all, “Yes, save the sharks but also, remember that global warming is really a thing.” Is Al Gore the secret exec producer on this?
And Tara Reid makes her first appearance. God, I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything since Josie and the Pussycats. Nope, I’ve seen American Reunion. Let’s just say Josie and the Pussycats because what a gem of a movie that is.
A huge wave engulfs the Santa Monica pier and suddenly the ‘sexy’ waitress, whose name is NOVA has a gun. Like one of those big guns that’s bigger than a rifle. I’m not a gun affeciando, so trust on this. But where did she find a gun on the pier?? The only thing you would find washed up on the pier frreal would be caricatures of tourists from Wisconsin and maybe that huge snake that one homeless guy lets people pet for free.
Oh great the ferris wheel detached from the pier and is rolling directly down the road, because if sharks flying through the air weren’t enough, here’s a ton of metal about to land on your person.
Ian/Steve/Fin, along with Grabby Mr. McAllister, Nova, and Fin’s Australian BFF (who was bit by a shark earlier but managed to survive), get in his Jeep wrangler and head for Beverly Hills so Fin can check on his ex-wife and daughter. However it’s now raining and the water falling on this car is so incredibly fake that it looks like they’re going through a $1 car wash.
They decide to take the 405, but there’s traffic. Surprise surprise. It’s even worse when there’s a sea of sharks on the freeway. SHARKMAGEDDON, AMIRITE L.A.??
Grabby McAllister is clearly wasted because he spends his days at Fin’s bar, so when they reach a point on the 405 where they can’t go any farther and can see a wave of sharks is about to come at them, Fin tries to help the stranded drivers run to safety (?). However Grabby McAllister mumbles, “There are sharks out there. You don’t have to go out there. There’s no reason to go out there!” And suddenly he’s the only person that makes sense.
Ok so Nova has a gun, but Grabby McAllister had to bring his beloved stool from the bar and use it as a weapon?? He helps a woman whose dog is trapped in her car (which doesn’t make sense, because why would she lock her dog in the car without taking her keys) by shattering the glass with his bar stool. Woman and her beloved dog make it out, but Grabs McAllister doesn’t have the same luck – a shark comes flying at him and another one bites the dust.
Another question – Fin and the gang see a huge wave come over the freeway, but somehow, the water isn’t going down the ramp they’re on. This doesn’t make sense. I know I’m trying to find logic in a movie called SHARKNADO, but still!
They finally make it to Tara Reid’s house in BH, but she won’t let them in because she doesn’t believe that sharks are taking over the city. All of a sudden, a shark shoots up through a sewer and Nova just shoots it like a clay pigeon. Tara Reid finally believes their warning.
Good lord the acting on this… is … incomparable. The only thing worse is the writing. And the CGI. And Tara Reid’s face.
this is my ‘concerned for our lives bc sharks are flying from the sky’ face
Water floods into Tara Reid’s house and into the foyer, leaving the gang plus Tara and Fin’s daughter stuck on the stairs. Oh, Tara had an asshole boyfriend who Fin tried to help but got eaten by a shark circling the foyer waters.
They decide they need to go get their son, Matt, who is in flight school in Van Nuys, which is in the valley near me, where obviously the sharks can’t reach us. And is there really a flight school in Van Nuys?
Explain to me how their entire foyer became a pool of bloody water but they all escaped without letting any water out or being covered in bloody water. And also explain how their entire home just fell to bits, but the house next to it looks fine.
Just remembered that Nova has a scar on her upper leg, which makes me think she’s been in a similar shark situation before, and will probably come up later in the movie in some fascinating revelation.
Tara Reid just picked up her purse and told Siri to call Matt. HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR PURSE ON YOUR PERSON RIGHT NOW.
On their way to Van Nuys, they see a school bus, and Fin wants to stop and see if they need help. But Tara exclaims, “You care more about other people than you do your family!” AH HA! A protagonist flaw that will most likely be resolved by the end of the movie!
“The water’s rising, I’m gonna go up to the bridge and repel down.” – Fin. Again, How do you have these random tools handy?? Fin’s response: “Semper Paratus” which means “Always Prepared” in Latin. Uh okay. But luckily he manages to save a bus full of 20 kids by repelling each of them up by a pulley system, including the bus driver who is clearly over this shit because he tells Fin he moved to L.A. to become an actor, and he did not see this the way his life would end.
The wind from the hurricane has caused the Hollywood sign letters to fly off the mountain and are heading directly towards them. Yeah, the bus driver/actor is def going to die by these letters. “My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.” – Bus driver’s last words before a huge chunk of metal, presumably an O, pretty much slices him in half. Again, sharks aren’t the only thing that can kill you during a SHARKNADO.
A overhead shot flies over downtown Los Angeles, and you can randomly see sharks flipping about on helicopter pads on roofs. Foreshadowing?
Annndd their car blew up from all the flooding, or maybe it was the shark that literally blew through the roof of their car (see, foreshadowing!) but Nova killed it off with her gun.
They finally reach Van Nuys where Matt’s flight school is, and also conveniently located next to a movie prop warehouse specializing in cars. Naturally, they steal a Hummer. A Hummer with a “Nitrous” button. Is that even a real thing?
The gang finds Matt who looks extremely familiar yet again. And I realize that I recognize him as jock Van Dyke on the short-lived Jonas show on the Disney Channel. I would be embarassed by this but I have no shame. Incidentally, he was also in the new version of 90210 as well as American Reunion.
Jonas wasn’t a period piece.
The SHARKNADO comes to Van Nuys (!) and they hide in a mini bunker, but there’s no real door so Fin has to hold a scrap piece of metal to protect them… I find it hard to believe they would survive high winds like that, when Matt’s flight school teacher legit just got sucked up through the ceiling of the hanger and into the SHARKNADO.
They find a helicopter outside that was definitely not there before, and there are too many people for them to all get out of the city via chopper, not to mention the fact that it’s probably not ideal to fly during tornado/hurricane conditions. So Fin says, “We’re gonna stand and fight!”
Van Nuys just happens to have everything they need, because they find a surplus store with chainsaws and tools to make bombs…With chainsaws and bombs apparently.
The surplus store is where everyone’s feelings and emotions come out, because Fin and his daughter have a forced touching moment between each other that makes me yearn for the corny Danny Tanner talks with his girls.
Nova is finally revealing the story behind the mysterious scar to Matt. Like expected, she tells some sob story about how when she was a kid, she went out in the water with her grandfather when she was attacked on the leg, but her grandfather and the five other people on the boat died because of the sharks. “I really hate sharks.”
Let me get this straight these people are going to single handedly equalize the tornado by throwing bombs into it and also kill the sharks? I don’t know whether this is based on science or another made up thing by the SyFy channel.
Fin is literally just shooting at the sharks with a shotgun. Straight up pointing it up in the air to the flying sharks coming out of the SHARKNADO and killing them with a shotgun.
So that bomb thing worked. Is this something we should train or military to do in the future in the event something like this actually happens?
Fin just sliced an incoming shark with a saw. He held up the saw like Rafiki in The Lion King and the shark split in half.
Next to the flight school is a retirement home, and the old folks are outside in the pool. Do they not see what kind of shit is going down next door?
Ugh just realized how big of a cleanup this will be for the city of Los Angeles. Then realized this is a movie, not real life. Yet.
Matt’s flight school friend has his arm bit off by a shark, and if that isn’t bad enough, when he falls over and dies, another shark falls from the sky and lands on top of him. I cannot help but laugh at this.
Meanwhile, Matt and Nova are still up in the helicopter hovering near the SHARKNADO gearing up to throw the homemade bombs into the cyclone. On her last bomb, Nova gets caught by a shark, she falls out of the helicopter, and it eventually eats her. RIP. Matt’s obviously in shock, so he has some struggs landing the chopper, much to Fin’s distress.
Fin decides to take matters into his own hands to kill the last SHARKNADO. He takes out the Hummer that Aussie BFF (who also got attacked by a flying shark and died) loaded with bombs, and drives it up to the hills (For the record, the geography of this movie isn’t making sense, because there are no hills in Van Nuys and it’s bothering me). Fin has perfect timing as he drives to the top of the windy hill, as the SHARKNADO hovers right next to it. He lights the bombs in the car, presses the NITROUS BUTTON, jumps out, and the Hummer flies into the SHARKNADO, making the last one dissipate. Except for the fact that hundreds of dead sharks are now falling from the sky and into the LA streets.
OH MY GOD I LITERALLY HAVEN’T TYPED FOR LIKE THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT WAS ACTUALLY SUSPENSEFUL AND WTF HAHAHAHA
Ok, I’ve regained consciousness. Here’s what just happened: THE SHARK EATS HIM WHILE HE’S HOLDING THE CHAINSAW, BUT HE CUTS HIS WAY OUT USING SAID CHAINSAW IN THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE (I IMAGINE CHILDBIRTH TO LOOK LIKE THIS). BUT THEN: FIN PULLS NOVA OUT OF THE SHARK’S STOMACH BECAUSE OF COURSE OUT OF ALL THE SHARKS THIS IS THE SAME ONE THAT ATE HER.
Matt tries to give Nova CPR, and it works. Her first words are “I really hate sharks,” as she flashes her perfect fake eyelashes.
Tara Reid literally wipes the blood off Fin’s mouth kisses him. If you didn’t feel like vomiting before… you will now.
This is how they end the entire movie: TOUCHE, SHARKNADO FILM MAKERS. TOUCHE.
Favorite quotes:
“Don’t you ever make fun of my stool again.” Grabby McAllister
“What the hell, there are sharks in the street!” Nova, the sharpest tool in the shed
“That’s a tiger shark.” Nova “How do you know that?” Fin “Shark week?” Nova, educated broad
“It’s just a little wahtah (water), typical California is afraid of the rain?!” guy on the 405 who may be from Boston but it’s hard to tell with his horrible accent.
“Looks like it’s that time of the month.” – Aussie BFF after Tara Reid’s BF is killed in the bloody waters in her house’s foyer
“Take the 10 to the 405 and you’re in Beverly Hills” – Grabby McAllister doing his best Californians impression
When you’re a kid, you never expect to be front page of every newspaper or on cable news 24/7. Hell, as a kid you don’t really expect much, do you? So for these young people, it must have been quite the experience, and one that many of their peers have never been through.
It was recently announced that the famous 2010 Balloon Boy has now launched a heavy metal career, because the hoax he and his parents pulled three years ago wasn’t enough to make them famous. Here’s a where are they now of some of the world’s most famous kids.
Balloon Boy aka Falcon Heene
Year: 2009
Location: Fort Collins, Colorado
The story
On October 15th, a large silver gas balloon filled with helium was floating over the air in Colorado. Six-year-old Falcon Heene’s parents, Richard and Mayumi, attested that their son was inside said balloon. The UFO looking apparatus was reaching altitudes nearing 7,000 feet, and local news stations picked it up. Soon enough, little Falcon Heene became a national sensation, with major news networks breaking scheduled programming to track “Balloon Boy,” and if he would make it back down to earth safely.
Turns out, Balloon Boy was never actually in the balloon. After more than an hour long flight spanning over 50 miles and three counties, the balloon landed close to the Denver International Airport, where it was eventually closed down and National Guard helicopters and police tracked the balloon down, mainly in fear that Falcon had fallen out.
Later that afternoon, it was revealed that Balloon Boy was actually attic boy, since he was in their house hiding, afraid after his dad yelled at him. Critics started to become suspicious of the Heenes, especially after Falcon was interviewed by CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, when Wolf asked him why he did it, Falcon responded, “You guys (his parents) said that, um, we did this for the show.”
Richard and Mayumi pled guilty to the charge of attempting to inlfuence a public servant, and Richard was sentenced to 90 days in jail, while Mayumi served 20 days of weekend jail. They were also forced to pay $36,000 in restitution.
Where are they now?
The entire family has moved to Florida, but is currently touring the Northeast with their heavy mental band, Heene Boyz, which includes 10-year-old Falcon, and his 12 year old and 13 year old brothers (I am serious. This is NOT a hoax). They have an EP called American Chili, which features a song called “Duct Tape Man”. For you folks back home in Rochester, you’ve unfortunately missed out, since they played a gig there on July 6th. But they’re still on the road, and planning to come out with a full length album soon, so don’t you worry.
Baby Jessica (McClure)
Year: 1986
Location: Midland, Texas
The Story
Jessica “Baby Jessica” McClure made national news when she fell into a backyard well at the age of 18 months. For 58 hours straight, rescuers tried to free Baby Jessica from the eight inch well, which went down 22 feet below the ground. They eventually got her out after a shaft was dug parallel to the well, and a tunnel connecting the two helped a paramedic come up from behind Baby Jess and slowly push her out. Fun fact: They slathered the walls with KY Jelly to get her out. Super. Baby Jessica caused a media frenzy and a 1989 made for TV movie was even made, titled, “Everybody’s Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure”.
Where are they now
Jessica, who is no longer a baby (and is almost exactly two months younger than me), grew up like any normal teenager, graduated high school in 2004, and married Daniel Morales in 2006. The couple has two children, a son Simon and daughter Sheyenne. When Jess turned 25, she received access to the trust fund her parents set up from donations from people during her time in the well – which totaled to $800,000. So in order to become an almost millionaire, I should’ve got stuck in a well as a tot? Ugh.
Elizabeth Smart
Year: 2002
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
The Story
At 14 years old, Elizabeth was kidnapped from her bedroom in SLC. Her nine-year-old sister, Mary Katherine, watched it all go down, but kept silent in fear she too would be abducted. Immediately after her abduction, nearly 2,000 volunteers per day were sent out to nearby areas to find her, but to no avail. Mary Katherine finally remembered where she had heard Elizabeth’s abductor’s voice before, as the family hired unemployed people to help out around the house, and it was a man named Emmanuel, real name Brian David Mitchell, who was the culprit. Nine months after she was abducted, she was found in Sandy, Utah, nearly 18 miles from her home, in the house of Mitchell, who raped her daily during her captivity.
Mitchell was later found guilty of kidnapping and sexual assault, and is currently serving two life-terms in federal prison.
Where are they now
Elizabeth went on to study music as a harp performance major at Brigham Young University. In 2009, she moved to Paris to serve her Mormon mission. In 2011, Elizabeth became a commentator for ABC, specifically reporting on missing persons, and also founded the Elizabeth Smart Foundation that same year, whose mission is to educate children about violent and sexual crime.
Last year, she married a Scottish man, Matthew Gilmour, whom she met while on her mission in Paris. Her memoir is due to be released this fall.
Elian Gonzalez
Year: 1999
Location: Miami, Florida
The Story
Five-year-old Elian and his mother left their native Cuba and attempted to get to the U.S. in hopes for a better life. However, during their voyage in a small boat across the seas to Miami, his mother drowned, leaving Elian as only one of three people to survived the trip. He was soon found by the U.S. Coast guard in an inner tube, and brought him to American shores. The INS placed Elian with his uncle in Miami, but his father back in Cuba demanded his son be brought back to his hometown, and files a complaint with the UN. Elian’s story soon becomes worldwide news and an international custody battle between two countries with a storied history.
Elian slowly begins to have a normal American lifestyle, but back in Cuba, rallies with hundreds of people protest for Elian’s return to Cuba, and even then-President Fidel Castro spoke out in favor of the kid. Elian’s uncle filed for primary custody of him, and his father arrives in the U.S. on a visa granted by the State Department, promising U.S. officials would transfer Elian to his father. But the dad is blocked yet again when an 11th circuit court of appeals sides with Elian’s Florida family. US federal agents then stormed the Miami home and grabbed Elian at gunpoint and brought him back to cuba with his father, where he was lauded as a hero.
Where are they now?
Now 19 years old, Elian attends Cuban Military Academy and is doing well with his father. As for his relatives’ Miami home? It’s now a museum with Elian memorabilia. Stay classy, America.
McCaughey septuplets
Year: 1997
Location: Des Moines, Iowa
The Story
Kenny and Bobbi McCaughey are the parents of the world’s first set of septuplets to survive infancy. They were born nine weeks premature, and each weighed 3 lbs or less when they were born. The couple, who had one daughter before the septuplets, named their kids normal names: Kenneth (Kenny) Robert, Alexis May, Natalie Sue, Kelsey Ann, Nathan Roy, Brandon James, Joel Steven.
Before they were born, the McCaugheys gained national and world attention, even gracing the cover of Time magazine. Donations started pouring in, including a new house, a van, diapers for the first two years, and the State of Iowa offering full college scholarships upon HS graduation to any state university in Iowa.
Where are they now
The kids are now 15 years old and entering their sophomore year in high school come fall. Not really much to report besides the fact that they’re almost old enough to drive, which makes you even older. You’re welcome. (watch an interview of them from last year here)
Zlata Filipović
Year: 1993
Location: Sarajevo
The Story
Dubbed the “Anne Frank of Sarajevo”, 11 year old Zlata wrote about her and her family during the Bosnian war in her diary, which she called Mimmy. For two years, she wrote about the horrifying siege in her hometown, where bombs were a constant, hundreds of thousands were left with no food, electricity, or water, and nearly 100,000 lost their lives.
UNICEF workers in Sarajevo heard about her diary, and published it as a pamphlet, but when French journalists got a hold of it, they shopped it around and her manuscript was purchased by a French publisher. Zlata and her family all survived the war and they escaped to Paris for three years before moving to Dublin.
Where are they now
Zlata went on to attend St. Andrew’s College in Dublin, then graduated from the University of Oxford with a BA in human sciences. She returned to Dublin and has lived there ever since. Now 32, Zlata is a producer on various films and short docs. And she’s on Twitter!
Listen, we can’t all have a keen ear about these things. It happens to the best of us. One minute, you’re trusting the hardass CIA deputy director to Claire Danes, and the next thing you know he’s a classically trained British chap, who (semi-spoiler?) may or may not be a bad guy . What’s with all these actors and their constant lying? Shouldn’t we have a right to know if the people on my TV are American citizens?!?
Well my friends, I’m here to help you find out the truth. We don’t deserved to be lied to any longer and it’s coming to an end right now.
Let’s start off with a pretty obvious one. Most people know him from House. I didn’t really watch House, but I had seen him and his convicing dribble as a psychopathic doctor. But when House became really popular, I realized I had seen Hugh Laurie before his breakout role. BECAUSE – he was the guy who sat next to Rachel Green on the plane when she was heading to London to break up Ross’s wedding. Hugh Laurie saying “Pheebs” is all you need in life.
First of all, smokeshow. Second of all, I was introduced to Idris when he was guest starring on The Office as Charles Miner. Incidentally, the gals of the office all fawned on him, especially Kelly & Angela (for some reason) that it was like they were thinking exactly what every woman at home was thinking. Then I found out he is British and it made him even hotter.
“I’m Chuck Bass.” Now imagine that with a British accent. The part was always an American, but when Ed came in, as seen in the video linked above, they asked him to use his natural accent as well. And for some reason, it’s just so much better as an America.
Nick Brody, terrorist? If you’re not caught up with Homeland, I won’t answer that question. But one thing we d know is that while he may not be a terrorist, he’s most certainly not originally from the U.S. And to make your mind blown even more, he’s married to Helen McCrory, the woman who played Narcissa Malfoy in Harry Potter!
This lit’rally blew my mind when I found out he wasn’t an American. I mean the deputy director of the CIA’s counterterrorism department isn’t actually from the U.S.?! Isn’t that illegal or something? This dude went to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. No wonder he’s successfully tricked us into thinking he’s one of us.
Oh Kevin Walker. You were 1/2 of one of my fave gay TV couples of all time with Scott MacFarlane’s Scotty Wandell. After five seasons with the crazy Walker family in California, he moved on to being a Russian spy in the 1980s with Felicity in The Americans. He’s played such convincing Americans that I still can’t believe his accent when he starts talking.
Speaking of Brothers and Sisters, Matthew’s on-screen sister is also not born and bred in Southern California. Her other iconic roles in Six Feet Under and the cousin in My Best Friend’s Wedding were so flawlessly American that I legit almost forgot to to put her on this list.
McDream, McSteamy, McKidd? Surprise – Cristina Yang’s on-again, off-again hubby has a seriously thick Scottish accent. Like they recruited him to be a voice in Brave.
Hugh Laurie wasn’t the only trickster on House. Smokeshow Jesse Spencer is now off being a smokeshow in Chicago Fire. He doesn’t even have to talk to get my attention. SIDENOTE: JESSE PLAYS VIOLIN. AND SINGS. LIKE LEGIT. HELLO?!
What’s more American that being a country music star? Nothing (ok, maybe being President.). Which is why I feel jipped knowing that Nashville’s power couple are BOTH not ‘Mericans!
These two don’t really get along on Pretty Little Liars, but they do have one thing in common – they’re not originally from the U.S. Maybe that’s part of the reason why they’re toururing the PLLs??! Could they actually be working together? OMG I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON IN THIS SHOW.
I’m currently watching The Wire for the first time, and did not put it together that Dominic West, who plays Jimmy McNulty on the show, is the same guy from 300, John Carter, and The Hour. AND he’s British? Never would’ve guessed.
Alright, y’all. I’m not a music critic by any means. I think if you know me and/or keep track of my choices for our monthly playlists, my music interests are questionable at best. So I thought it might be fun to live blog my first experience of listening to Kanye West’s newest album, Yeezus.
I’ve heard a few of the tracks before, but not the album in its entirety, so we’ll see how this goes. For the record, I’m more of a The College Dropout, Late Registration, Graduation – even My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy type fan, so it should be interesting to hear this new EDM type direction he’s going. Leggoooo-
On Sight
I already feel like I’m about to play Lazer Tag. Midway through the song there’s a chorus of children randomly singing, and I’m surprisingly okay with it.
Fave Lyric:
Chopped em both down
Don’t judge ’em Joe Brown
One last announcement
No sports bra, lets keep it bouncin
Black Skinhead
Is this a sample of Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson? (Answer is yes) I actually really like this jungle/tribal feel going on. He’s feeling exceptionally angry towards the end saying, ‘GOD’. About to go into battle with the haters, perhaps?
Fave Lyric:
I keep it 300, like the Romans
300 bitches, where’s the trojans?
I Am A God
Ugh, lyrics of this song are why people hate you, Kanye. It’s why I find you annoying, but like you because you make good music. It’s frustrating. It also sounds like a continuation of him being chased after or going into battle in Black Skinhead.
This track is scarily simplistic with it’s beats, but Ye’s raps more than make up for it. Again with the randomly breaking it with a slow jam. Except this time it lasts more than 10 seconds and goes until the end of the song. I like it.
Fave Lyric:
You see it’s leaders and there’s followers
But I’d rather be a dick than a swallower
I’m about to wild the fuck out
I’m going Bobby Boucher
Hold My Liquor
Oh hey Bon Iver! I feel like if I was suddenly kidnapped, blindfolded and sedated, I would wake up in a room with no windows, all black walls, with this song blasting in the speakers. It already sounds like someone who’s high (or drunk, if you will) so the disorientation from the kidnapping makes complete sense. I don’t know what this says about me (or Kanye), but I clearly need some psychological evaluations done. Either way – this is track may be one of my faves, especially with the instrumentals at the end. Again, what is wrong with me? Anyone?
Fave Lyric:
One cold night in October
Pussy had me floating
Feel like Deepak Chopra
Pussy had me dead
Might call 2Pac over
I’m In It
Whoa this is strangely hot… and then the reggae came chimes in. He sounds like Shaggy almost? Guys what happened to Shaggy if this isn’t him?? Oh lawd the sound after he says, ‘Then she came like…’ HAHAHA was that supposed to be hilarious, or was that just me?
Fave Lyric:
Uh, my mind move like a Tron bike
Uh, pop a wheelie on the Zeitgeist
Uh, I’m finna start a new movement
Uh, being led by the drums
Uh, I’m a rap-lic priest
Uh, getting head by the nuns
Blood on the Leaves
808s and Heartbreak autotune? I mean, okay. Is this an Amy Winehouse sample? No, it’s Nina Simone. Sorry, Nina Simone. Conveniently I found this list of all of the samples Ye used in the record. I feel like there’s something missing in the instrumentals… and I also feel like this song is 1 minute too long. Maybe because it’s 6 MINUTES.
Fave Lyric:
She Instagram herself like #BadBitchAlert He Instagram his watch like #MadRichAlert
Guilt Trip
Again with the auto tune? And like video game sounds now? I feel like I’m on some kind of creepy haunted carnival ride, specifically a carousel, more specifically, the one that Nick and Jessica ride in the Where You Are video.
Fave Lyric:
She lookin’ for her daddy, call me Big Poppa
On to the next saga
Focus on the future and let the crew knock her
Star Wars fur, yeah I’m rockin’ Chewbacca
Send It Up
Ok, I’m like a little scared of this song, but strangely turned on a little? Is that weird? Does that say a lot about me? Forget I said anything.
Fave Lyric:
She say “Can you get my friends in the club?”
I say “Can you get my Benz in the club?”
If not, treat your friends like my Benz
Park they ass outside ’til the evening end
Bound 2
Yes. Motown type samps in the beginning? Count me in. I think this might be my fave song? If not second fave? It’s a great song to end the record with.
Fave Lyric:
Rock Forever 21 but just turned thirty
Overall:
My greatest takeaway from this album is that I don’t understand half of what Kanye’s talking about. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m not as hip as I used to be or Ye’s not making sense or a combination of both. I feel like he’s gotten angrier as the years go on, and I’m not a fan of that. It’s no College Dropout, but decent none the less.
It may be hard to believe, but it’s that time of year again where Fourth of July slaps you in the face and makes you wonder where the first half of the year has gone. For us Americans, Independence Dy is a day off – an excuse to eat as many hot dogs and hamburgers and potato salad and corn and anything else we can stuff in our faces all in the name of ‘Merica. It’s also a time where people show their patriotism by wearing the US flag in any way possible.
But here’s a fact I didn’t know until this year: technically any article of clothing with the flag printed on it is actually a flag. Like it should be treated the same as a real flag.
According to the Flag Code, a flag is anything “by which the average person seeing the same without deliberation may believe the same to represent the flag.”
So, that Old Navy shirt that you get every year (I really hope you still don’t do that as an adult) is against the Flag Code. Here are some other items that break the code – and all rules of fashion – plus some handy alternatives to reppin the country with pride.
Do:
For you retro-y beach types
Don’t:
Sport a onesie in public. That goes for every day of the year. Apparently this costs $200. Freedom isn’t free, y’all.
Do
Wear this adorbs dress that I now want from ShopBop
Don’t
Don’t look like you’re one of the American Gladiator women that’s out for a night on the town but still wants people to recognize her as ‘Zap’
Do
remember: the sun never sets on an (american) badass
Don’t
i mean can you even properly see or operate a vehicle with these on?
Ah, fan art. The visual representation of when your interest in something goes from like to love. Normal to unhealthy obsession. Talking about it to your friends to talking about it in message boards 24/7.
But hey, I’m not here to judge. I’m just here to share with you the talents that are among us. Those brave enough to share their own celebrity idols immortalized forever into pen and paper. Here are a few ‘quality’ pieces I think should be shared with you all. Even if they do give you nightmares. Apologies.
The One with the badly drawn Friends
Ross Geller, everyone.
I think this particular fan thought Ross was slowly becoming Marcel the Monkey.
Why Rachel’s suddenly really into cellos is beyond me.
Did you miss Joey’s latest stint in The Walking Dead?
Who do you think you are, some kind of superstar?
The artist of this Tom Cruise portrait must have gone to the same art school as the Jesus fresco restoration person.
ummm James Franco?
The Dark Knight also doubles as Greg Brady
how dare you ruin the queen.
This could either be Nicolas Cage or Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, TBH.
Music makes the people come together (yeah)
Speaking of Chad Kroeger…. I’M SORRY
JT has never looked hotter
Marky Mark’s feelin the good vibrations fo sho
No baby, baby, baby. Beiber!
Zayn from One Direction – aka the best looking one in the group. But not in this particular sketch.
If you’re a crazypants TV watcher like me, your prime time schedule has been greatly minimized since the season finale bonanza in May. I usually like to take the summer to binge watch series that have been on my ‘To Watch’ list. This year, I had The Wire at the very top of the list… Until I heard about Orphan Black, and I’m so glad I bumped it to the top.
Orphan Black is a series on BBC America that ended its first season run at the beginning of June. Despite the fact it wasn’t the best rated program, it’s been slowing gaining a lot of attenion, and garnering a lot of critical acclaim just in time for Emmy voting season. Not to mention the lead actress, Tatiana Maslany, just won a Critics’ Choice Television award for Best Drama Actress (beating out the likes of Claire Danes & Juliana Margulies)! With all the talk about the show and the fact it’s only 10 episodes, I bumped OB to up to spot number one.
Quick plot summary: A woman named Sarah witnesses another woman, Beth, jump into train tracks to commit suicide. Sarah decides to steal her purse only to find out she looks exactly like Beth. In order to escape her messed up life, Sarah assumes Beth’s identity… except she soon finds out there are other women out there who look just like them. Clones if you will. Needless to say, there’s a sci-fi element to it. For the record, I’m not that into sci-fi shows, I mean I really liked Heroes, but this show is more drama than sci-fi, if that’s any help to you.
Number one reason you need to watch this show:
Tatiana Maslany!
It’s true what all the critics are saying about her. She is amazing. Because this show is about clones, she plays every single one – 9 in all I believe? – flawlessly. So much so that in my head they’re all different actresses. She posted a pic of one clone’s love interest, and I was like ‘how is she even with her, she doesn’t have scenes with that character?’ No, I’m an idiot, she’s really good at her job, and she plays all the clones and acts with all the other actors.
Every character is so fleshed out. From the costumes, to the little personality traits to the accents (oh yeah, she switches between accents too), everything flows so seamlessly. There are multiple scenes throughout the show where she has to play a clone pretending to be another clone. It sounds confusing, but she makes it so believable. On top of that, she’s a really good actress. In the approx 5 minutes Beth is shown before she kills herself, Tatiana shows her entire character in just one look. It’s mesmerizing.
For example:
This is Sarah. Punk-rock chick.
This is Beth. Detective about to commit suicide.
This is Tatiana Maslany playing Sarah pretending to be Beth.
One of the great things I read in an interview with Tatiana is that she has an extensive background in improv, which she uses to solidify each character. Her intuition of the ‘yes, and’ process helps lead the character in the natural direction she would go in. If you’ve ever seen (good) improv-ers, you know that they can make anything into a like 15-30 minutes – or more – sketch (Name a profession and a place! A pimp in Transylvania! So much story to tell already!). With Tatiana, she’s using that same skill and creating an arc for all 9 characters from episode to episode, building on the excellent backstory and script provided for her. Plus her mom is a French/English translator, so she is super good with languages. She learned German before she learned how to speak English! She’s legit perfect for this role. Roles. All the roles.
In fact, to all you Emmy voters out there, please please please give this girl a nomination at least. And then give her an Emmy. I feel so strongly about this I’m inclined to start a grassroots campaign – which I’m sure has already been started by some fangirl in Canada (fun fact: the series was shot and based in Canada. In fact, Tatiana and most of the cast are Canadian! Eh!).
There was a recent article on Buzzfeed in which comedian Patton Oswalt legit explains why she deserves all the awards. I’m not the only one who believes in this girl, y’all!
I would list other reasons why you should watch this show, like I guess the other excellent actors, the outstanding writing, the show’s ability to make you have no idea what’s going to happen next and possibly yell and throw objects at the TV, the hilarious jokes that are thrown in, or the loyal, gay best friend:
or this smokeshow (Paul, Beth’s boyfriend): .But I’m going to stick with Tatiana Maslany. Only thing that sucks about this show: the fact that it doesn’t come back until 2014. But come on, what else are you going to watch until Breaking Bad comes back??
PS: Orphan Black is currently available On Demand (for Time Warner Cable, at least), but here’s a handy guide to find a provider near you!
If this looks familiar to you, kudos for recognizing one of the greatest moments in pop culture history. Alexis Neiers was one of the stars of Pretty Wild, an E! reality TV series that ran for one season in 2010. After the pilot was filmed in 2009, Alexis was arrested in connection with the “Bling Ring” burglaries in Los Angeles, where a group of troubled teens broke into the homes of celebrities and stole up to $3 million worth of items.
And that, as you may know, has recently been turned into a movie aptly called The Bling Ring, which I actually paid money to see last weekend. To be honest, I only knew the basics of the Bling Ring burglaries, that they snuck into the homes of Paris Hilton, Orlando Bloom, Audrina Patridge, etc. But the movie gave a lot more insight into what these kids did at least based on accounts from a Vanity Fair article and the Pretty Wild show.
In fact, the writer of the Vanity Fair article (and consequent book) is Nancy Jo Sales, the woman Alexis is leaving a message for in the above gif. Titled The Suspects Wore Louboutins, director Sofia Coppola rewrote the article into a screenplay almost verbatim, and let me tell you – it’s scary.
These kids – kids – had no fear. No fear and pure stupidity. The way they broke into the celebs’ houses was by looking online to make sure they were out of town, and then found their addresses online. It really doesn’t take a genius to do that. But these teens broke into the houses, then went back multiple times, stealing more and more every time. Then they would wear the Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Herve Leger, Louboutins out in public, post pix on Facebook, and talk about stealing their stuff to people at parties. I don’t steal, but if I did, I would make damn sure there was absolutely no way it could be traced back to me.
The whole movie was fascinating, letting you into a world where these kids who thought they were indestructible let their obsession with pop culture reach the next level. I mean in the movie (and the article), the ringleader, Rachel Lee (named Rebecca Ahn in the film) is being questioned by the police in jail about breaking into Lindsay Lohan’s house. This was the excerpt from the VF article, which is pretty much exactly how it played out on screen:
“During the warrant service,” says the L.A.P.D. report, “Lee asked several officers if they would release her if she told them where ‘everything is.’”
“Hypothetically,” Lee allegedly said, “let’s say I might know where this property is located and who has it, how could that help me?”
“It is clear that Lee felt that she successfully removed all items of stolen property from the residence,” the report goes on. “However, when Lee saw” that cops had found a coat allegedly belonging to Lindsay Lohan and some topless pictures of Paris Hilton (stolen from Hilton’s unlocked safe) on the premises, “her mood instantly changed from being calm and collected to instantly becoming nearly hysterical, physically ill, and gagging as though she were about to vomit.
“Lee asked Detective [Leanne] Hoffman,” of the L.A.P.D., “if she had spoken to the victims. Hoffman replied that she had spoken to all of the victims. Lee became excited and asked, ‘What did Lindsay say?’”
Meanwhile, Alexis was enjoying her newfound ‘fame’ thanks to her E! reality show with her former Playboy playmate mom, best friend Tess, and her little sister Gabby. Listen guys, the entire series (aka one season) is on Netflix right now, and I highly suggest you watch it. Just for sociology purposes. As evidence by the show, these people actually exist. I mean after watching Pretty Wild, it’s hard to believe Alexis wasn’t arrested for something else sooner.
In fact, Alexis later revealed that she was completely high when she filmed the show, and was even living in a Best Western, panhandling for drugs, and was on a $10,000/week drug habit. HELLO?! (In case you’re wondering, Alexis is now sober, married to some guy in his 40s, and gave birth to her first child in April. How’s your love life going?)
If I learned anything from Pretty Wild/The Bling Ring, it’s that if I even have kids and raise them here in LA, I will make sure they don’t become these teens, who took their fame obsession to an unhealthy place that landed them in jail (Here’s info on the real people if you want to know where they are now). But like history, it’s doomed to repeat itself, so for the sake of my hypothetical future children and yours, see this movie. Or read the article. Either way, educate yourself. It’s a scary world out there y’all.
Howdy y’all! I recently went to Austin, Texas for a brief weekend getaway, for a few reasons. One: I always wanted to go to Austin, since I heard it was the most un-Texas Texas city in the state. During my road trip across the country in 2009, Austin was on the list of possible cities to go, but we due to time constraints (and the fact we wanted to not drive across desert for another 10 hours), we opted to skip Austin, and I’ve put the city on the top of my bucket list ever since. Two: I attended the ATX Television Festival, which is a new festival for TV fans and those who want to break into the industry, and it was full of screenings, panels, and reunions from fave shows. You may have heard about the Boy Meets World bonanza, and I also attended the American Dreams and Party of Five reunions, and sat in on Parenthood and Veronica Mars panels! Not to mention Friday Night Lights. Which brings me to reason three: Friday Night Lights. The show was set in the fictional town of Dillion, Texas, but was shot entirely in Austin. Ever since I marathoned (and obsessed over) the series in 2010, I made it my goal to go to Austin and find all the filming locations.
So, if you’re a superfan stalker like me, and find yourself in Austin, here’s a guide to Dillon by way of Austin.
The Taylor House
6805 De Paul Cove, Austin TX 78723
The house were the greatest TV couple/parents lived. They should make this place a national landmark. PS: The Taylor, Riggins, and Alamo Freeze are all close to each other, so you can do it all in one fell swoop!
The Riggins House
2604 Lehigh Dr. Austin, TX 78723
No sign of Riggs 😦
Alamo Freeze
5900 Manor Rd. Austin, TX 78723
Fun fact: the Alamo Freeze is actually a Dairy Queen. So you can reenact Matt’s proposal to Julie and then grab an oreo blizzard.
Saracen House
3009 Kuhlman Ave. Austin, TX 78702
Grandma Saracen and her tiara not included.
Del Valle Field
2404 Shapard Lane, Del Valle, TX
Panther Fieldhouse still in tact!
The Panthers side
And the other side of the field was the Lions side!
The FNL fieldhouse is still in tact and on a random street near the Austin airport. The only thing still up and running nearby are a few trailers – like trailer park trailers. But you could clearly see the football field and the stands, which is pretty cool. The area was actually used for two ‘sets’, with the Panthers on the left, and when East Dillion needed a field, they built the Lions homefield on the other side of the Panthers’ bleachers!
Here’s me and my friend Suz hanging with Riggins at the fieldhouse…
PS: I didn’t just come up with these locations, it’s easily found on the internet – including here!!!
And to round out my tour of FNL filming locations, the ATX Festival also had a couple of FNL events, including an outdoor screening of State (Season 1 finale) and a panel with the cast! The screening, which appropriately took place on Friday night, was great because a lot of the cast members were there to meet with fans and introduce the ep. I got to meet most of them, and I still can’t believe it happened!
I apologized to Matt Lauria for wearing the wrong shirt, and he said, “Wrong side of the tracks, babe.” DEAD.
Smash and Tinker sandwich!
Jason Street said, “Sorry for my back sweat,” then proceeded to show me the back of his shirt. HAHAHA #deadagain
Grandma Saracen told me to go under the VIP rope to take this pic with her!
Grams and Buddy Garrity having a laugh
Grandma Saracen then offered this personal signed picture of herself with the boys. Bless.
AND THEN, the next morning was the FNL panel, where we were surprised by a couple guests:
COACH AND MRS. COACH, Y’ALL!!!!!! I think I may have started crying.Who knows. But you can always bet on me crying. I shared the same air as the greatest couple ever.
Thanks for the great time, Austin/Dillon! See y’all next time!
Cookies + Sangria 