Category Archives: Entertainment

Lovestruck: The Musical: The Liveblog: The WORST

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– I am a minute late and have no idea what’s going on, though I don’t think I’ve missed much. I was making tea for the first minute or so. Also, a bowl of fruit with a couple nilla waifers. I ended up with the wafers by accident today: I was shopping with a two-year-old who sneaked them into the cart. I like how casual the name is: ‘nilla. They aren’t bad. But seriously, never let a toddler go free-range at Target. They don’t understand how money works but are very fascinated by everything, like greedy, tiny aliens.

– A 60-ish year old woman is singing Just Dance by Lady Gaga. God, I miss this era of Lady Gaga. Everything was so new and interesting and beautiful then, like falling in love when you still believe in it.

– They keep cutting to a young blonde girl so I think she’s important. Now’s the time to tell you that I’m PRETTY AMAZING with subtleties like this. If there’s a gun on the mantle in the first act, the young pretty blond is the star of the movie by the second minute, that kind of thing.

– The older lady is the young blond’s mom. Didn’t see that coming. I’m already less pretty amazing than I thought. The young blonde is in the show that the mom is.. directing? Choreographing? And the mom isn’t happy because YB wants to move to Europe with the man she loves.

– Some woman (Amanda) who is probably evil because she has dark hair and is wearing all black, finds a vitality tonic. Bingo. Gun on the mantle.

– Mirabella. Mirabella is young blonde’s name. The older woman has already declared “I am your MOTHER!” 8-10 times so I’m pretty sure that’s a bit of a plot point.

– DAMN IT. Old woman is named Harper. That’s my dog’s name. She is going to be freaking.out. for this whole movie. Before you say anything, I named my dog before Posh Spice, Kelly Kapowski, and Doogie Houser named their babies, thanks.

– Italy! Beautiful, beautiful stock footage!

– Harper drank the vitality tonic and became young and attractive. FYI, I’m on IMDB trying to find out if I should know all of these people, but I really shouldn’t, don’t worry. Harper has turned into Chelsea Kane, from such hit films as The Bratz Movie. My friend and I used to dislike the shit out of Bratz in their heyday, in large part due to Baby Bratz. They were all sassy with their short skirts and diapers, and we imagined that they were all saying things like “hey, look’it my tush!” and we were always like “noooo, I really don’t want to look at your tush.” In any event, she’s singing I Want To Dance With Somebody, which is a really fun song at a wedding reception or when you’re driving. I guess when you suddenly become 30 years younger, after the initial shock subsides, you just want to DANCE. Luckily, there are plenty of guys here to dance with, and everyone knows the steps. Harper changes outfits like 5 times during the song.

– Also from IMDB: This movie has fewer than two stars.

– Old Harper is Jane Seymour. Thanks to Dr. Quinn, I never would have recognized her without a calico frock and a 4-foot-long braid. I thought she was making enough cash-money off of those open heart necklaces she’s always schilling that she wouldn’t have to do this sort of thing. I guess she just really, you know, believes in the product.

– Gold tinted stock footage of a beautiful Italian villa, and a building that looks sort of like Chilton from Gilmore Girls.

– Mirabella is played by Sara Paxton, who you may recognize from the cinematic great, You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Christmas Party. I’m familiar. In college, we used to watch You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s School Dance Party while we were getting ready to go out sometimes. BTW, Paxton has a really beautiful head of hair. Enviable.

– Harper is pretending to be Mirabella’s cousin. I can’t wait for the scene where the truth gets revealed and everyone’s feelings are hurt due to all the deception! Because that will mean that this movie is ending. And it’s really quite boring.

– Someone mentions the color puce. Does that remind anyone else of Summer of the Swans, or did I seriously date myself there?

– Harper has texted/ called Amanda, and now Amanda knows what’s up. I have decided that she is Harper’s personal assistant. Also, Amanda glances at a poster of the young Harper to see what her young self looked like. The poster is from a flapper revue. I know that Jane Seymour isn’t supposed to be a spring chicken, but I don’t think she was exactly supposed to be round tabling at the Algonquin and partying in West Egg, right? I am expecting a subplot where she’s actually 120 years old and has been bathing in virgin blood or has a portrait that ages for her in the attic.

– I think Harper is flirting with her daughter’s fiance, but I can’t be positive because I’m too bored to pay much attention. She wants to break them up so Mirabella can be a STAR. She is also wearing a weird, floppy corrugated shirt with a GIANT purple flower. Kinda Georgia O’Keefe-y. Um, does she know what those were supposed to be? And is it supposed to be from her middle-aged wardrobe, or did she go shopping real quick when she got young? I don’t know why I’m looking for logic in a tele-musical about a woman who drinks a special tonic that turns her into a Bratz doll.

This freakin’ shirt. What this picture doesn’t tell you is that it has a weird wavy texture, like someone accordion-folded it because they needed a quick fan and were 7 years old.

– A group of girls, including Harper and Mirabella, are at the pool sharing their losing their virginity stories, because Mirabella doesn’t realize that her mom’s there and I guess other audience members have higher tolerance for secondhand embarrassment than I do. Harper wears a giant sun hat, which is stupid because it’s not like she needs to worry about aging.

– OH. That was all a setup so Mirabella could sing Like A Virgin. That makes sense. I think one of Mirabella’s friends is a Cheetah Girl. Does anyone have receipts on that? They’re all singing and dancing together, which I was expecting — unlike the time I wasn’t POSITIVE that From Justin To Kelly was a musical when Traci, I, and our high school friends went to it. This is not good.

– It’s like they just tried to make a plot around whatever songs they could get the rights to. I honestly think that’s what’s happening. I’m half expecting to hear public domain tunes like Wheels On The Bus if they run out of pop songs.

– Whenever the plot needs to move forward, Amanda calls and gives information. Mirabella is out of the show if she doesn’t come back, and the tonic is from a vaudeville trunk, because of course. I think that’s wrong because vaudeville trunks would just have top-hats, curly mustaches, and those giant canes you use to pull people offstage.

– Back at Chilton, Mira is trying on her wedding dress. At this point, I realize that I should have just tracked down a Mamma Mia DVD if I wanted to see people singing and dancing in Europe during wedding shenanigans.

– Shouldn’t Mirabella be worried that her mom isn’t in the country yet? I’m sure they covered that but like I said, it’s hard to pay attention to something this terrible.

– Harper isn’t a star anymore because she “blew her knee out.” That has got to be the least-romantic career ending injury they could think of. They couldn’t have had her faint off of a bridge or be diagnosed with a delicate heart?

– Harper’s hands and neck are aging. You know what they say, hands and throat always age first, so do to them whatever you do to your face. For me, that would be routinely examining them for more wrinkles and crying about it sometimes.

– There’s a Huggies commercial that uses the phrase “baby in your stomach” in regards to a pregnant woman. HATE. Whenever I hear someone say that, I always think “how’d she eat a whole BABY?”

– Long story short, Mira knows that Harper kissed her fiancee and Harper knows that she knows. Ryan, Mirabella’s dad, is here. I think that they are saying Brian for the first hour, so I don’t think the actors were even paying attention. Or maybe the writers forgot and changed it halfway through. Maybe Ryan is a nickname for Brian.

– Cheetah Girl just said “tequila shooters.” Is shooters vs. shots a geographic thing? Everyone I know calls them shots. Related: call them shooters or call them shots, I will probably need several of them to make it through this movie.

– Mirabella sings her feelings in the woods as her memories play on the screen. This is either an original song, or just an extra-terrible song that I have been blessed to get by without hearing thus far.

– The commercial breaks are going on longer and longer. It is almost as though this movie doesn’t want to come back. It is probably embarrassed.

– I know I should be paying better attention, but I am reading about Reese Witherspoon’s disorderly conduct arrest, which is a string of words I never though I’d type. Evidently, when told to stay in her car, she said that she is a U.S. citizen, and she is allowed to stand on American ground. I don’t know why that makes me LOL so bad but it does. BTW, she looks downcast and introspective in her booking photo, like a 16th century Madonna (sans child. What would Ava, Deacon, and Tennessee think? Tennessee the child AND Tennessee the state).

Dammit, Laura Jeanne.

See? Yeah, that’s right, I took art history once.

– (B)ryan is magically young too, now.

– I think I’ve found our problem. The writer is someone named Jaylynn. That means either (1) She is young enough to be named Jaylynn, so probably under 18, or (2) She is older but voluntarily chose the name Jaylynn as a nom de suck.

– Okay, so. Mirabella still thinks that Fiance kissed Harper, when actually Harper kissed fiance.

– I packed my lunch, loaded some dishes into the dishwasher, put my dog out, and the commercial break is STILL going on. It’s okay, Lovestruck: The Musical. I didn’t want to come back, either.

– Aunt Birdie (oh yeah, there’s an Aunt Birdie) drank the whole bottle of Vaudeville Youth Serum, and is a child. Personally, I would take just an itty-bitty sip of it. Just enough to get me to an hour and a half ago, before I decided to watch this mess.

– DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again. You know what’s extra bad about this, other than everything? In the Freaky Friday remake, Lohan really sold the whole adult in a young person’s body thing, but there’s none of that here. Harper is just straight-up young. I’m sure this isn’t the first time that someone’s told Bratz that she’s no Lindsay Lohan, but in most other contexts that would be a compliment. Not here.

– I will never make it through all of the ONTD comments re: Reese Witherspoon, so I’m just going to switch over to the Jennifer Lawrence hair post. I like it.

– Mirabella can’t tell that her father has a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT VOICE on the phone, but again, I don’t know why I’m even looking for logic here.

– Heartfelt speech portion of the night: Harper and Fiance, whose name is Marco but which I keep hearing as Margo.

– Harper and (B)ryan are back in love, which is a lot easier when one of you is suddenly young and beautiful, I suppose. Also, Ryan is old again.

– Mirabella and Marco/Margo are singing a reprise of the terrible original song they sang earlier, I Do/ Me Too. I will have this song at my wedding if the following conditions are met: someone pays me $100,000 to do so and I have also become deaf by that time.

– Amanda is here. Deus ex personal assistant.

– Judging by the commercials, the main viewer demographic of Lovestruck: The Musical is women with UTIs. Sounds about right.

– I’m looking at the tv listings to decide what show I should fall asleep to tonight, and realized that my standards for TV Shows To Fall Asleep To are so exacting that it should be its own post. However, I noticed that Lovestruck: The Musical is on again right after this. Woo hoo!! Who’s ready to do this all over again right away???

– Mira and Margo get married. Everyone sings Everlasting Love. Then there’s a reprise of DJ’s Got Us Falling In Love Again over the credits. They make us watch scenes of things that happened in those two hours we just sat through, in case we weren’t ready to let ourselves forget yet. The lyrics “keep downing drinks” come up, and seriously, ABC Family? I don’t mind if I do.

Before Nashville: Lennon and Maisy, Internet Sensations

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Long before Tami Taylor was driving around her two daughters on Nashville, they were YouTube superstars. If you watch this country music centered soap opera, you were introduced to their fantastic singing on a recent episode, as seen here:

Ho Hey – Lumineers

After the episode aired, the internet was abuzz because they had no idea these girls had amazing talent, and possibly (definitely)  even better than Hayden Pannetierre herself. The aftershock of finding out these girls were really good singers was legitimate, since up until that episode, they were just secondary characters who were the focus of  their parents’ divorce. But for internet nerds like me, you’d know that they’ve been making their round on the ‘netz for a while. In fact, they were part of the reason why I started watching Nashville, obviously apart form Connie Britton, but also because I was interested to see how these gals would fair as actors.

I was first introduced to them about a year ago after I became obsessed with this version of a Swedish vocal group named Erato, who sang Robyn’s Call Your Girlfriend a cappella and with empty butter/yogurt containers (not as weird as it sounds). One of the suggested videos was Lennon and Maisy’s cover of Erato’s cover, and lo and behold, it’s received even more views that Erato’s cover – over 15 million hits to date!

Call Your Girlfriend/Cups

Both Molly and I loved these girls, and refused to believe they were that young with this much talent, but maybe it was just us being selfish that our dreams of being child stars never came to fruition. But I went through their catalog of cover songs and discovered they were actually the most gifted kids ever. Like no six year old should be able to harmonize that well. Check out these girls before they were rubbing elbows with Connie and Hayden, and maybe even check out Nashville, because it’s not that bad…

I Won’t Give Up – Jason Mraz

When Your Mind’s Made Up – The Swell Season

Headlock – Imogen Heap

We Need To Talk About Glee

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I don’t know why I’m still watching this show. It hasn’t been good since mid-season two, so why are we all still here, four seasons deep, and expecting it to be as good as it was when they were taking on Journey songs?

My only logical explanation for it is that we’re hoping that the next episode will be as magical as it once was. We keep expecting it to be better, but then an episode like last week’s comes along. And you’re all ‘What in the actual fuck?’

Now last week’s ep, titled “Shooting Star” (no, really, it was called that), dealt with the issue of gun violence in schools. I didn’t entirely know that was the plot in the ep before I watched it, so when a gun shot went off, I was a little confused. But lo and behold, Ryan Murphy and co. were going to attack full on the issue of gun control in this episode of Glee. Basically, the glee kids are in the choir room when they hear two shots fired out from what sounds like the hallway. Mr. Shue and Coach Biest lock the doors and tell all the kids to hide and be quiet.

One thing I can commend the show for in this episode is how the kids reacted during the lockdown. Some were quiet and scared with only tears to show their emotions, some let out their deepest secrets in fear they wouldn’t get a chance to tell the truth ever again, some wanted to go find their significant other to see if they were okay. I admit I teared up during these parts, because I’m only human.

However, despite their best acting, I still couldn’t get over the fact that Glee was – yet again – tackling a sensitive issue in one of their episodes. Earlier this season, they dealt with the issue of eating disorders, and one of the characters hated another character so she taught her the ways of bulimia. Literally this Santana wannabe (Kitty is her name, Kitty) taught Marley how to stick her fingers down her throat and vomit up her food. AND THEN this bitch made Marley’s costumes smaller, making her think she was just getting bigger even after making herself purge.

HELLO?! What sick fuckery is this? If you’re going to deal with an important issue like eating disorders, be serious about it. This show has a lot of teen viewers, and this isn’t they way you should be going about things. In the past, they’ve handled OCD, sex, coming out, etc. And while I was okay with most of those topics in the Glee forum, the eating disorder and school shooting was just too much.

In the end of the Shooting Star episode, Coach Sue Sylvester told the principal that she had a gun stored in a safe in her office. She was doing her morning routine and checking to make sure it was secure when she dropped it and it went off. Twice. The principal consequently fired her, but come to find out, it was actually Becky, the cheerleader with down syndrome (ugh, another post for another day with that one). Brittany told Becky she needed to protect herself, and she took that as stealing her father’s shotgun. She went to Sue, and when Becky surrendered the gun to her, she accidentally dropped it and it went off twice. Basically to protect Becky (with whom she has a personal connection with), Sue took the fall and got fired.

Okay, so we went through the entire episode of drama and intense scenes only to find out that it was Becky who accidentally dropped a gun? And then they sang Say by John Mayer in the auditorium? No. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SERIOUSLY DISCUSS GUN CONTROL AND SCHOOL SHOOTINGS, GLEE.

Again, stop trying to deal with serious subjects if you can’t do it correctly. Yes, you could successfully take on losing your virginity for the first time, but that doesn’t mean a shooter loose in the school will go over just as well.

In 2008, Ryan Murphy gave an interview regarding tough subjects such as these and said: ‘“There’s so much on the air right now about people with guns, or sci-fi, or lawyers running around. This is a different genre, there’s nothing like it on the air at the networks and cable. Everything’s so dark in the world right now … [Glee is] pure escapism.”

Hey buddy, remember how the show is called GLEE?? Please go back to the Beyonce mashups and the Warblers singing Katy Perry. Bring back Jesse St. James  – I’ll even settle for endless Lea Michele singing Barbra/Liza numbers. Leave the serious stuff for the teen dramas to handle. I understand you want to use this platform for good, but it’s not good when you’re just hurting it.

But hey, then again, who’s the one who’s writing about the episode and will most likely continue watching the series until it ends? This girl. Just please don’t try to deal with Cory Monteith’s enter into rehab with art imitating life and saying he had a secret cocaine addiction and Lea Michele starts singing Waterfalls with Mr. Shue. Just. No.

Playlist of the Month: April Showers

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You’re familiar with the old saying, “April Showers bring May Flowers,” so we figured why not give you some appropriate songs to listen to while the rain comes down and you’re stuck inside wishing you were somewhere it was sunny. Check out some of our fave tunes to listen to while waiting for the sun to come out.

Want to listen to all these tunes on one playlist? Check it out on Spotify!

Traci’s picks:

Leave by Steve Kazee (Once: A New Musical)

If you’re not familiar with Once, please please please check it out. Based on the movie of the same name and the songs of The Swell Season, this show is a hit on Broadway, and even won the Tony for the Best Musical. With all this praise, you would think I’ve seen it a million times, but I haven’t seen it at all. Good news is that I’m finally getting to see this magical show when it comes to LA!!! In 2014. Womp Womp. Anyways, NPR was streaming the entire album when the show first opened, and it just so happened that when I listened to it for the first time, it was raining. Ever since then, I can’t imagine listening to anything other than this soundtrack while it pours down outside.

The Shape of Us by Ian Britt

I was introduced to this song from an episode of Parenthood, and per usual, it was the thing that pushed me right over the edge to bawl like a child.

Blue Ocean Floor by Justin Timberlake

This song from JT’s new album is quite different than anything else he’s ever released, and I am loving it. I find that I have to be in a certain type of mood to listen to this, preferably at night or – while it’s raining.

Skinny Love by Birdy

Well kids, this girl is 16 years old and better than you, so we can all stop trying. Her cover of Bon Iver is haunting and comforting at the same time. Like a nice warm bowl of tomato soup.

All My Days by Alexi Murdoch

This was the main track from the Away We Go movie soundtrack, and it was just perfect for the tone of the movie. John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph travelled all across the U.S. to find a place to settle down before the birth of the impending birth of their kid, and this song hits just the right notes of the journey to find a home and knowing everything was going to work out.

Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars

Apparently my theme for rainy day songs means depressing songs too. Which is fine by me, because these are all great jams. And as for this one, listening to any Civil Wars song when it’s raining out is acceptable.

Molly’s picks:

Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine

Weather that makes you feel happy-sad calls for a song that makes you feel the same. This is one of my favorite songs, but by the end it’s a tossup as to whether I’m smiling or crying.

Kathy’s Song by Simon and Garfunkel

Poor Paul Simon is so broken-hearted and sweet – “I know that I am like the rain/ there but for the grace of you go I” – that I’ll love him if this Kathy girl never comes back.

Aguas de Marco by Elis Regina and Tom Jobim

This is one of those songs that you know, but you don’t know that you know it. After a listen it will probably sound familiar. Technically this is about MARCH showers, but that’s the rainy month in Brazil. Even if you don’t understand the lyrics, the song sounds like rain falling. And if you do understand the lyrics, then you’ll probably feel simultaneously uplifted and bummed out. Rain does that.

Sunshine by JJ Heller

JJ Heller is technically a Christian artist, but don’t let that hold you off (to paraphrase a quote misattributed to Gandhi, I like your Christ but I do not like your Contemporary Christian Music). She writes about everything, and there’s nothing religious in this song, or a lot of her others. The laid-back sound of this song reminds me of a rainy day, but the good kind: cozy and happy.

Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson

If it’s going to rain, you may as well stay in and be joyful and charming about it.

The Best Moments of the MTV Movie Awards

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The lovely Rebel Wilson did not disappoint on Sunday’s MTV Movie Awards, and the show had its fair share of memorable moments, including the much awaited Pitch Perfect reunion and Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt!

And while I haven’t watched Movie Awards as religiously as I used to as a teen, I wanted to take a second to remember some of the greatest MTV Movie Awards moments of the past. Ok, in full diclosure, this is basically a way for me to relive the golden era that was Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. So what.

Jennifer Lopez and Tom Cruise (as Len Grossman) dancing – 2010
This is just as odd as it sounds.

Jim Carrey accepting Best Male Performance – 1999
Jim got into character to receive his award. Word is still out on exactly which character it was he was getting into.

Jimmy Fallon & Kirsten Dunst co-hosting – 2005
Good lord everything about this is sooo 2005. Sorry KiKi – you tried singing. Good thing my mad J Fall was there to rescue you from sucking.

Kristen Stewart dropping her Golden Popcorn – 2010
HAHAHA

Hilary Duff and Amanda Bynes – 2003
This clip isn’t even from the actual awards show, but it’s a reminder that as a child star, you can go either one of two ways when you grow up.

Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling accept Best Kiss – 2005
Best moment in the show’s history? Probably. I will randomly think of this and rewatch it, hoping my powers will bring these two soulmates back together… I need a boyfriend.

Show You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Veep

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There is one main reason you should watch this political comedy and that is Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Don’t get me wrong, the secondary characters are fantastic (like Tony Hale/Buster Bluth and Anna Chlumsky from your VHS copy of My Girl), but the star of the show is clearly JLD.

This bodes well since she plays the Vice President of the United States and this show is clearly called Veep. However, VP Selina Meyer is not exactly what you would call competent. She often needs the guidance of those around her to tell her what to do, how to vote, etc. She’s disregarded even in her high position in office, and is even often forgotten by the President himself (see video below). She’s honest, eager to please, but at the same time a brash woman who swears like a sailor. Take everything you thought you knew about how the White House is run and throw it out the window, because VP Selina Meyers is the exact opposite of how you think government should be run.

Just take a look at some clips of the show, and you’ll know why JLD received an Emmy Award for this role, and why our very own Joe Biden is a fan of the show too. From politician bribing to a pregnancy scare, this show’s entire ensemble of characters is so solid that they’ve never even shown the president once. You still have time to watch all 8 episodes of season 1, before season 2 premieres on Sunday!

Season 1 Trailer

What the Fuck Amy? – Selina’s Chief of Staff is in some hot water

I’m the Vice President!

Did The President Call? – The running joke of the show is that Selina is so unimportant that the President doesn’t even want to talk to his VP

This might be my favorite line in the entire series, as crass and ridiculous as it may be.

Characters I Would Not Hate If They Were Played By Different Actors

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You know when you’re sitting at home, watching one of your regularly schedule programs, and enjoying every minute of it, until this one person shows up on your screen and ruins everything? Like, everything about your TV watching experience? My boss and I both love Parenthood, and agree that it’s one of the best dramas on the air right now. However, we greatly differ on one thing: Lauren Graham. He hates her. He can’t stand her acting, and he can’t stand her character, so put it together, and you get this 40-something year old guy ranting about how he has to mute it when she comes on or wants there to be a plot line that kills her off.

Now for those of you who don’t know, I love Lauren Graham. If I had to pick my favorite actress ever, it would be a tie between her and Amy Poehler. I’m a huge Gilmore Girls fan, so naturally I adore LG. I love her personality even more – have you seen her interviews with Ellen? Anyways, the point is that my boss always says Maura Tierney would’ve been such a better Sarah Braverman, and he would probably like her much better than LG now (if you didn’t know, Maura Tierney was originally cast as Sarah, but she was diagnosed with cancer and decided to leave the show, and they cast LG, and had to reshoot the pilot).

So in saying that, here are some characters I think would probably be much more tolerable if it was a different actor playing the role.

Jason Stiles – Gilmore Girls

Ah, Digger Stiles. Out of all of Lorelai’s boyfriends, you were the worst. And I’m including coffee shop Alex who made plans with Lorelai to go fishing, but it was Luke who taught her how to fish instead, and now he’s the main guy on Revolution. I really try not to judge a book by its cover, but with Jason, I am. He is a 4 compared to Lor’s 10. I mean she ended up with one of the manliest hottest men ever, Luke. How can you even compare him to Digger Stiles? His character was just not her type at all, so add an unlikable actor to that, and it’s not going to be well received by the fans.

Ellis Boyd – Smash

not an actual quote from smash

I found that picture from an article called “The Most Hated Character on TV?” I’m not the only one. For anyone who watched the first season, you know that this was the one person on the show who you could just picture yourself crawling into the TV and smacking him upside the head. I’d say hating Ellis is 50% hating the character and 50% hating the actor, played by Jaime Cepero (and coincidentally used to work in the Boston theater scene). He was just the absolute worst assistant would would literally do anything to get further in his career. But luckily for him, it looks like he’s not really missing anything since he’s been MIA after the first season and the show is doing horribly.

Dr. Erica Hahn – Grey’s Anatomy

This bitch. She came in and swooped in on Dr. Burke’s cardiothorassic legacy, leaving his gf and Seattle Grace’s fave doctor, Cristina Yang in the dust. Not only was she mean to Dr. Yang, but she also macked on Dr. Callie Torres, making them the first same-sex couple on the show. But there was always something off about her, and it’s probably the fact that when I look at her, I feel like I’m staring at a cold, damp, cement wall that is stationed somewhere in the middle of Russia. I don’t know why, but that’s what I feel, ok? She didn’t last long, because word on the street is that ABC execs didn’t like her either and forced Shonda Rhimes to kick her off the show.

Mark Brandanawicz – Parks and Recreation

ugh your face

More like “Mark Brandanaquitz!” Am I right, ladies? Long before Ben and Leslie liked and loved each other, she once pined for this guy. Who in my opinion, looked like a potato. He was just there. The fact that Leslie, one of, if not the most, strong-willed female characters on TV, was still harboring feelings for this guy who she hooked up with a long time ago is beyond me. He also dated Ann, which again, we’re back to the Jason Stiles complex, if it had been a better looking guy (so sorry, Paul Schneider), I might have believed their romance? But, I didn’t get it. No chemistry between any of them. Hell, Leslie and Ann have better chemistry with each other than he did with either of them.

Ivy Dickens – Gossip Girl

I still can’t tell you why Ivy was brought in as a new character in season 4. Maybe it had something to do with Serena’s grandma and the fact she was bribed to make the VanDerWoodsen clan believe she was their long lost cousin, ugh I don’t know. I can’t even really tell you why I kept watching Gossip Girl after season 2. But there was just something about Kaylee DeFer’s acting AND her voice that bugged the shit out of me. Like, just stop talking. No.

Pete Campbell – Mad Men

Pete CampbellPete Campbell is the epitome of a character you love to hate (see: 30 Reasons why you love to hate Pete Campbell). He’s WASPy, an ass, immature, and as of last season, an adulterer. And on the other hand, you have Vincent Kartheiser. He is a weird dude. In an interview with The Guardian, these words literally came out of his mouth:

“I don’t really go anywhere to buy things. In fact, I have been in a slow process of selling and giving away everything I own… Like, I don’t have a toilet at the moment.”

This is the man who is marrying Rory Gilmore IRL. But the thing is, you’re not really sure if he’s actually an asshat or of it’s just some ruse he does for the media. And if he is really a douche, then he’s perfect for the role of Pete. I’m so torn but I can’t not put him on this list.

The Coachella Exodus

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For two weeks in Los Angeles, all you will hear is whether people are going to Coachella or not. It’s literally a mass hipster exodus out of the city, and everyone heads out to the middle of nowhere in Indio, California. For $300 a ticket, you can stand out in the hot desert, drink, do drugs, spot celebs, and wear ridiculous outfits, all while watching the best of indie bands play at various stages. And I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t really not it existed before I moved to LA, or that in general the festival just got more popular, but it is a big deal out here. Like all over your Facebook and Twitter feeds type thing.

I’ve never been, nor do I ever want to, unless it’s free and I would be guaranteed a spot in an air conditioned tent with real bathrooms. I’m making all my assumptions based on photos and videos I’ve seen in the past, but the idea of being that close to sweaty annoying people is my worst nightmare, but I commend the people who can put up with that sort of thing.

And by people, I mean there is definitely a certain type of crowd that goes to Coachella. You have your hardcore hipster types that actually want to see all the bands playing there. Then you have these people:

These people are REAL. Paying $800 for a VIP ticket to see “GOTyah” is absurd, but people do it. But in all fairness, the Coachella lineup reads like a list of names that come up on one of those online band name generators, so you’d have to be pretty legit to know a lot of them. In fact, take this quiz and see if you’re worthy enough to head to Coachella. Unfortunately I got a 0 – “Listens to the Radio”. Well, I guess it’s fate that me and Coachella are never meant to be…

Concerns of a Fal Pal: Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show Takeover

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Well, it’s official folks. Jimmy Fallon is taking over The Tonight Show in 2014, and Jay Leno is walking away with a reported $15 million and hopefully never showing his face on NBC again. If you caught that little nugget at the end of the last sentence, I’m clearly harboring some residual negativity from the great Conan/Jay/NBC debacle of 2010. I’m trying really hard to be happy for my beloved Jimmy, but as a Fal Pal, my love for him is turning more into a protective, nurturing behavior, instead of the all-out gleeful and enthusiastic attitude a fan should have.

Let’s back up a bit. In 1998, I fell in love with a dorky looking comedian on Saturday Night Live. Jimmy’s characters and sketches were always hilarious to me (Nick Burns, Jarett’s Room, Pat Sullivan etc.) and I was obsessed. I bought his Bathroom Wall comedy album and listened to it constantly. Like, what 16-year-old girl listens to a comedy CD in her spare time? This girl. He made the presteigous line of photos I had of celebs I loved in my bedroom. To this very day, this picture hangs next to the cast of Friends and Mandy Moore. The last time I was home, I even found a card my friend gave to me for my birthday with my fave crushes at the time.

yes, that’s aaron carter. hush.

After SNL, Jimbo went on to his movie career, and while I loved Fever Pitch, let’s be honest – his movies weren’t the best. He kinda disappeared for a while, got married, and in 2009, I was elated to find out he was getting his own talk show. I’ve loved every single episode, every Jacob’s Patience, every hilarious animal moment with Jeff Musial, every game of Cell Phone Shoot Out, and every Slow Jam the News. I’m not being biased here probably being very biased, but Jimmy has the best, most inventive, creative show on late night TV. Thanks to his SNL background, his show runs more like a variety show with friends that stop by to chat. It’s a fun atmosphere that makes you wish you were in the audience every single night. I once read a quote from him that said something like, “I want to make a show that will make you happy right before you go to sleep.” And that’s exactly what he’s done. You can’t not watch the show and feel anything but joy.

So here’s the problem. As much as I adore him and most definitely cried when he made the official announcement on his show, I can’t help but be worried of what the future holds. I was/am a Conan fan. I’ve watched him since high school, and was naturally excited for him to take over the Tonight Show and move to LA (mainly for selfish reasons, so that I could finally cross off ‘See Conan live’ off my bucket list, which I actually did!). But then it all came crashing down. We all remember it. I, like many other fans, just couldn’t understand the logic behind NBC dropping Conan in just seven months, all because Jay Leno bitched about his 10pm primetime show which was flatlining. Hey buddy, you’re the one who ultimately decided it was time to step down and hand over the keys to the kingdom to Coco. No takesies backsies.

Furthermore, I just don’t find Jay funny. I don’t think a lot of people my age do, because we can’t relate to him. And that reflects on his ratings too – he’s number one in the older demo, which let’s face it, are really the only ones with the Neilsen boxes and watch it live. But since his ratings were high, the only reason Jay would logically walk away from his show is because he wanted to. In fact, NBC was drawing bigger ratings with Conan in early 2010 than they are now with Leno (If you want more info on this, check out this article because I learned a lot from it). Or NBC is completely insane. Which is also accurate. Long gone are the golden days of Must See TV, so at the time, CEO Jeff Zucker did anything he could to try to keep the company afloat. And that included taking a risk with Jay, Conan, and ultimately Jimmy Fallon.

And now here we are three years later. Conan luckily found a home on TBS, Jay is still not funny and is retiring for a second time, and Jimmy gets a new show next year that starts an hour earlier. As proud as I am of the guy who used to sing a song about Troll dolls, I’m afraid this might turn into a bad case of history repeating itself. If NBC execs let Conan go after 16 successful years on their network, who’s to say they won’t do the same to Jimmy who’s been a talk show host for four years? I’m hoping that they’ve learned their lesson since then. With a new CEO at NBC, and Jay hopefully staying in his garage with his cars this time around, there’s a chance this might be Jimmy’s big chance to shine. He deserves it. He’s clearly a good guy, with good intentions, and just wants to make good television. So basically, NBC, please please please do not fuck this up. Learn from your mistakes, and let Jimmy Fallon be the great entertainer he was always meant to be. At least there’s one thing we know for sure when he makes the big transition: we can go to sleep happy – and one hour earlier.

Unintentionally Disturbing Boy Band Lyrics

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Time for a confession: although I was of prime age during the boy band golden era of 1997 – 2002, I was terribly disinterested in them. It was all too manufactured! Find 4-5 young men between the ages of 15 and 27. Make sure they can all sing. Choreograph dances that make heavy use of folding chairs. Try to ensure that key “types” are present: the cute one, the older one, the funny one, the weird-looking one with stupid hair, the sporty one, the ginger one, the posh one. Some of those might just have been Spice Girls or Disney dwarfs. All that’s left is finding songs for them to sing…. but that’s where things really fell apart. In a rush to move up the TRL charts as quickly as possible, some songs got released with lyrics that were sort of awful. Terrifying. Disturbing as heck. Now that we’re all adults here, I think it’s time to admit that these were very, very bad.

We Got It Goin On by the Backstreet Boys

“Well I’m creepin’ up on your left

Straight up funky when I get with you

Keep it ruthless when I get wet”

Did anyone else know about this? Because I sure didn’t until right now. I think they hid this creepery in the middle of the song and figured nobody would notice. You know what actually sounds like the worst thing in the world ever? A wet gentleman creeping up on my left and then being ruthless at me.

As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys

“Every little thing that you have said and done

Feels like it’s deep within me

Doesn’t really matter if you’re on the run

It seems like we’re meant to be

I don’t care who you are (who you are)

Where you’re from (where you’re from)

What you did

As long as you love me”

This song takes codependence to new and terrifying lows. It sounds a lot like BSB is definitely singing about someone with a criminal record here. “Doesn’t really matter if you’re on the run?” “Don’t care what you’ve done?” Maybe I’m just hard-hearted, but I care A LOT whether or not you’ve committed murder, stolen from a church, or have to put one of those signs on your door telling trick-or-treaters that you’re a registered sex offender. As if that weren’t enough, BSB doesn’t care “as long as you love me.” That’s what low self-esteem will do to you, kids. You’ll go out with someone who isn’t allowed within a half mile of an elementary school, as long as they say they love you.

God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You by NSync

“The heart of a child

That’s deep inside

Leaves me purified”

Dude, no. You have to date GROWNUPS, though.

Most of NSync’s 1997 Self-Titled Debut

Individually, none of the songs are too bad. But taken as a whole:

  • Drive Myself Crazy
  • Crazy For You (“wherever I go/ Whatever I do/ I’m crazy for you”)
  • I Just Wanna Be With You, which includes the words “you’re driving me crazy,” “my love is insane/ pleasure and pain,” and then an unsettling repeat of “I just wanna be with you” and “you and me gotta stay together”
  • I Want You Back (“I’m going crazy without you”)

We’re looking at a whole lot of crazy. Right? These are… not healthy relationships. If there are a lot of 20-something ladies who think that the ultimate in romance is somebody declaring that they love you so much that they are mentally unstable, I blame this album.

Can I Touch You There by 98 Degrees
Literally this whole song. I feel like if I type out the lyrics my very hands will catch an STD, but just trust me. Still, props for getting permission instead of just creeping on my left, I guess (looking at you, Backstreet Boys).