Category Archives: GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself)

Best of C+S 2013: A Sneak Peek at My Memoirs

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), ICYMI: The Best of Posts You Might Have Missed, Lists by

Happy New Year! We hope that 2013 was a wonderful year for you, and even if it wasn’t, we hope you’re excited for a fresh new year ahead. Maybe you’ve even made a New Year’s Resolution or two. If one of yours is to finally begin writing that book, we understand. Last year Traci got as far as drafting some working chapter titles for her memoirs. We think you’ll relate to them.

~~~~~~

Working Chapter Titles for my Memoir

Originally Posted on March 1

Like any normal 27-year-old girl who can’t seem to call herself a ‘woman’ quite yet, I’ve come to reflect a lot about my life up to now, and how my peers are living theirs in comparison. If I were ever to write a memoir, these are some working chapter titles which highlight key moments in my life, thoughts that plague my head from day to day, and other random things that are completely unrelated.

•How to tell someone their baby isn’t cute
•Valentine’s Day engagements are tacky, not romantic
•How cookie butter changed my life
•YouTube fan videos: underrated pieces of art or just plain creepy?
•Extreme couponing
•Unfriending hurts more than you know
•Why hasn’t anyone carded me in two months?
•Alcohol is expensive
•I wish WebMD counted as going to the doctor
•An ode to GIFs (ebook version only)
•X Pro II vs. Lo-Fi: The stress of picking the perfect filter
•Just Dance : Not just for kids
•My quest to being internet famous
•Traci’s guide to keeping cool after recognizing a celeb
•Kate and Leo, Zanessa, and other couples that could have been
•Dear Mark Zuckerberg
•What ever happened to Lou Bega?
•I’m calling it a night
•PPOs, HMOs, and LOLs
•I’m not coming to your wedding if there’s no open bar
•Wedding photo stalking 101
•Amy Poehler

Best of C+S 2013: The Only Child Club

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), ICYMI: The Best of Posts You Might Have Missed by

It’s December 26, and many of you have just celebrated Christmas with all of your siblings. Or maybe – like Traci – you’re an only child. Don’t let the non-onlies get you down — there are some serious life lessons to glean from the only child life.

——-

Life Lessons From an Only Child

(originally posted March 29)

Being an only child has taught me a lot of things throughout my life, mostly that there a lot of assumptions people make if they know you’re an only child. But I’m here to break the stereotypes and tell you the truth about being the only kid in the family. I would like to reiterate that I’m not speaking on behalf of the Only Children of America coalition (not a real thing), but I’d say this is pretty accurate.

1) We’re very independent

Sisters are doin’ it for themselves. Or brothers, whatever. In sixth grade, I had dance lessons that started at 4pm, which was before my parents got out of work. So on the days I had dance, I would take the bus home, be by myself for about an hour or so, then my friend’s mom would pick me up and we’d go to class. I mean I was 11 years old, but at the same time, there was no one else around to make sure I wasn’t like, lighting anything on fire. But I was given the responsibility of having keys to the house, knowing how to turn off the alarm system, make food if need be. If something went wrong, I had to figure it out and fix it myself. If anything, this is what has stuck with me the most. I’ve never really relied on anyone to do anything for me, because I know I can (usually) do it myself.

2) We’re okay with being alone

Ok, that sentence isn’t supposed to be read with the same kind of depression you read it with. But along the same notion of being independent, so does time in solitary (again, not meant to be weird and prison-y). After my parents trusted me with being at home by myself, it wasn’t necessary for them to have anyone look after me. So if they went out, I was by myself in the house. I would like to add that I didn’t really have friends or family members that lived nearby, so again, I was just used to being alone. Without a sibling, I was used to doing stuff by myself, which is still true to this day, mainly because it’s all I know. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I hate being around people. I mean for the most part that’s true because I hate people (my years working retail is to thank for that complex). But I mean only children usually tend to gravitate towards extended family or in my case, my friends, to hang out with all the time. So just as much as we like being alone, we like being around people. But we also need our personal space at the same time. Yeah, we’re crazy.

3) We can do weird shit

My friend Caitlin and I call this the ‘Only Child Syndrome’, because we end up doing random weird things that we don’t realize we’re A) doing in the first place or B) is even weird at all. I don’t even really know how to explain this besides doing like odd little movements or noises or giving strange looks… No one was around to call us out on being weird, so that explains why we’re still weird now. I also tend to talk to myself a lot – like out loud. I assume kids with siblings would usually have a brother or sister to at least be around when you’re saying something, and it’s not as weird as talking outloud and knowing no one ever hears you.

4) We don’t actually like being only children

Okay, I may be speaking for myself here, but I honestly don’t really like being an only child. Like I said, I didn’t have any family members – cousins, etc. living near me growing up. They were/are all in the Philippines, and some here in LA. But what’s weird is that my dad is one of 9 kids. I have a bunch of cousins and second cousins, some of whom I don’t even know. But they all grew up together and I was the American kid. When we go back to the Philippines, I always feel like the odd man out, not only because of the language barrier and cultural differences, but because they all have the advantage of hanging out with each other, while I had my parents and me, myself and I. I’m just saying it would have been much easier to have a sibling when going back to the Phil. Also, I could never blame anything I did wrong on a sibling, or bitch about my parents to someone who would really understand.

5) We’re not all spoiled

So this is obviously the most common only child stereotype. All my friends who are only children are not spoiled by any means. Well, in the sense that they don’t want everything in the world and expect their parents to buy it for them. Many people believe that we’re naturally born brats who expect to be doted on all the time, but that’s far from the case. In fact, I know some people like that who do have siblings, and it’s embarrassing. But like, I’ve never expected my parents to get me everything I’ve ever wanted. I will say that they have done the thing where if I’ll mention my DVD player is broken, they’ll call me back 2 days later and say we found a blu-ray player, and bought it for you, you can pick it up at Best Buy sort of thing (that’s a true story). We don’t act spoiled, but once in a while, we’ll get spoiled.

Best of C+S 2013: The Greatness That is Amy Poehler

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), ICYMI: The Best of Posts You Might Have Missed, Lists by

It’s Day 2 of our ‘Best of’ series, and we bring you our blog’s patron saint, Amy Meredith Poehler. You’ll find her sprinkled all over Cookies + Sangria, so since we could only pick one, we decided on one of the main reasons we love her – she’s not just a celebrity that entertains us and carries on with her daily life – she uses her platform in the public eye to make a difference and inspire. Keep doing yo thang girl. 143 AAF LYLAS.

~~~

Amy Poehler: Sage to All

{originally posted April 24th}

If you know either Molly or I, or have even been reading this blog for a while, you know that we have a special place in our heart for Amy Poehler. So naturally, I follow (read: stalk) everything she does. Amy started a website/YouTube channel a while ago called Smart Girls at the Party, which inspires, encourages, and features young, smart, women. All their featured shows are fantastic (and even involve dance parties!), but one of my favorites on the site (and on the internet) is Ask Amy.

This is a series of short videos in which Amy answers viewer questions, and focuses on one topic per episode. You may have seen the latest episode make its rounds on the internet.

I Love You Boston

As you can tell, she approaches these videos and topics from an honest, earnest place, and genuinely wants to give advice to everyone watching. What’s touching about this particular episode is that Amy, who is a Boston-area native, is clearly fed up with last week’s horrific events, and her downcast and fed up demeanor exemplifies exactly what I’m assuming all of America is feeling right now. And while we may not have all the answers to what’s going on, there is something we can do to prevent from becoming too saturated with the bad things in the world.

Sigh. I love her so much. Here are a few of my favorite episodes, but I suggest you check the whole site out!!

Goodbye
“The only thing we can depend on is change… Life is just a series of moments… a string of pearls that make up the necklace of your life and every once in a while to complete the circle, you need to end a chapter.” (Bonus Abel at the end!!!)

Decisions
“Most decisions aren’t final. Feelings change all the time. You can always change your mind and taking risks and making choices is what makes life so exciting because we never know whats going to happen. Every day something new comes our way. Isn’t that exciting?”

Letting Go

“Let go of the idea of trying… Letting go suddenly is an act of faith and the universe provides for you what is really meant to be.”

Courage

“Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it.”

Stress
In which Amy sits in a bathtub and calls herself a crazy person.

14 Times Beyonce Proved She Owns Us All

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

How’s everyone’s Beyonceday hangover going? Still in the haze that is Queen B? As you probably know, Mrs. Carter dropped a surprise record on Thursday night, exclusively on iTunes, complete with a visual album that included music videos for every single track.

I feel like it’s going to be one of those events where you ask people, ‘Where were you when Beyonce was released?’ I was sitting on my couch watching Parenthood, looking at the Scandal live tweets on my iPad, and checking Instagram on my phone (yes, I’m insane) when I noticed B had posted a video with a caption that said ‘Surprise’ and included footage I’d never seen before. Then I went on social media. Slowly but surely, my feeds were being filled with the word BEYONCE, and people were going nuts.

A few things about this release that fascinated me:

A) How did she even get away with recording/filming all these without anyone leaking it?

Apparently only the people who needed to know (producers, songwriters, studio execs, etc.) knew about the album, and it also went under a code name called ‘Lily’.  There was a shifting deadline and she didn’t even finish recording until the week of Thanksgiving. As for the music videos, a lot of the dancers are her own dancers from her tour, but for example in XO, she’s clearly in an amusement park with fans and I wonder if they thought they were just being filmed for fun? Or because it’s Beyonce they didn’t care as long as they got a pic of her?

B) She most likely made more  off this album than if she actually marketed and promoted it.

Besides Grown Woman and Bow Down, which are bonus video clips, all these tracks are brand new to our ears. None were released as singles, which is obviously the tradition in which artists sell their upcoming records. Beyonce is so ‘Beyonce’ that she knows she doesn’t have to pre-promote her album, because people will buy it anyways. It’s the definition of a Bad Bitch. She also explained the whole

“I miss that immersive experience. Now people only listen to a few seconds of a song on the iPods and they don’t really invest in the whole experience. It’s all about the single, and the hype. It’s so much that gets between the music and the art and the fans. I felt like, I don’t want anybody to get the message, when my record is coming out. I just want this to come out when it’s ready and from me to my fans.”

After I read that, I was like, wow that is so true. I judge whether or not I’m going to buy the album based on if I like the single or not. It’s never about the package as a whole, which is how I think most *true* artists want you to intake their music. They’re not out there to make just one song, they’re making music for you to hear an entire story.

Same goes for the music videos she made – I watched it in order, like it was a Beyonce movie and it totally changed the way I listen to some of her songs. It’s exactly what she said  a ‘visual album’. My current fave song is Blow (which is apparently going to be the first single), and after seeing her on roller skates, it hard not to picture it when listening to the song, but it’s the perfect vibe for it.

C) She’s changed the music industry

B single-handedly changed the game. She revolutionized it. She essentially proved that as long as you have a loyal (and large) fanbase that can spread the news quickly, artists don’t necessarily need to spend months doing promo and releasing a single, etc. in order to sell thousands of records. This tactic obviously wouldn’t have worked even 10 years ago. Example: It’s 2003, midnight EST, 9pm PST, Beyonce announced on her MySpace page that she has a new album coming out when the doors to your favorite record store open the next morning, so go and get it. And then tell all your friends. No it wouldn’t have worked. But Beyonce is the first person – and person with enough clout – in this new era of technology and social media and iTunes to come up with the idea and actually follow through. It’s genius. I wouldn’t be surprised if other artists try to attempt something like this from now on.

Alright, enough with the logistics (can you tell I was a marketing/PR major in college?). Is all the hype even worth it? I say yes, yes it is. And here are the reasons why.

+ Her blatant Benjamin Button-ing.

Like how is this woman getting older yet not aging? I really don’t understand. There are shots in these vids where she looks like she’s a teenager. Even in the Grown Woman video where she and Kelly are recreating home videos, it just looks like she got taller. I need your secrets, oh wise one.

+ Being boss enough to get the best people in the biz to work on the album

List of artists who wrote, produced (or both), directed on this record include but are not limited to: Jay Z (obvs), Justin Timberlake, Miguel, Ryan Tedder, Sia, Drake, Frank Ocean, Pharrell and Timbaland. I’ll just pick those names back up for you.

+ The ability to look sexy without looking slutty.

In the music video for Partition, she basically dresses up as a stripper for her Boo, in this case, Jay Z, who is actually in the vid playing her paramour, but they barely show his face. The fact is, her butt is literally going up and down a velvet rope type apparatus and not once did I think it was disgusting.

Screenshot 2013-12-15 23.52.12

+ General ability to make any pose or dance move look really cool and not stupid

Let’s be 1000% honest with ourselves here, folks. If any of us tried to do this pose on half a chaise lounge, we would fall flat on our face and possibly/probably injure something obscure like a pinky, because that’s just how you landed.

Screenshot 2013-12-15 23.51.43

+ Everything about the song ***Flawless

The two previous bullet points being said, all in all, don’t confuse Beyonce for a submissive woman. She is a ‘grown ass woman’ who is in actuality a feminist who just happens to have a husband. She doesn’t need him, she does good enough on her own.

In this song, B includes audio from writer Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche’s ‘We should all be feminists’ TED talk.

“We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but no too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. A marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.”

+ Throwing shade at Skeleton Crew

In the same ***Flawless video, it starts off with a short clip from when B and Kelly (and former DC member Lativia) were in a group called Girls Tyme, which lost to a white group of male rockers named Skeleton Crew.

Screenshot 2013-12-16 00.10.25

Girls Tyme ended up getting a 3.00 in this competition (view the performance here) but the fact that Bey even decided to put this clip of them losing is everything. Skeleton Crew, what do you have to say for yourselves now?

+ Featuring her 13-month-old daughter on a track

We all know B & Jay are usually on the low about their private life, especially when it comes to Blue Ivy. But this time, Beyonce not only dedicated an entire song to their daughter, but had Blue sing/speak on it too. For the record, if this album wins any Grammys, Blue will be a Grammy winner at the age of like 3. Blue says something to the effect of, “Hold on to me, hold on / Been-say / Been-say / Mami, mami, mami.” We get it. You’re cute.

+ Making roller skating look awesome

Not since Jessica Simpson’s Public Affair had this kind of influence on me and my desire to go put on some skates and dance around the rink with my besties and some hot pants on. The Blow music video is everything I could ask for and more.

+ Possibly probably being actually drunk for Drunk in Love

The classic B/Jay duet on the album, Drunk in Love, features Beyonce dancing and rolling on the beach, and Jay shows up with a drink in hand and it’s amazing. It’s like a TV bottle episode where they only use one set and all the magic happens there. I hope they were actually drunk, because you know, method acting.

+ Dancing with actual supermodels and still being the flyest of them all

In the gangsta track Yonce, B recruited models Jourdan Dunn, Joan Smalls, and Chanel Iman, but all I kept looking at was Beyonce and her grill and the red .. what seemed to parts of a Herve Leger dress but made into faux swimsuit.

+ Just generally being sexy

It is absolutely absurd that a woman can have this kind of effect on straight men, straight women, gay women AND gay men. She’s defying the odds. Rocket, probs the sexiest song off the record, provides a look into her boudoir – and guess who wrote this jam? None other than the sex singing god himself, Miguel.

+ Guerrilla style filmmaking and freaking fans out

In the XO vid, it looks like she basically ambushed an amusement park (or possibly the Santa Monica pier?) and walked the streets and got people’s natural reactions. You’ve been hit by – you’ve been struck by – a smooth criminal.

+ The art

When Beyonce says she has a visual album, it’s a visual album. The entire album is aesthetically pleasing, but especially in the video for Ghost. The stark quality makes you focus on what she has to say, instead of any other hoopla, and boy does she have things to say.

+ Guest stars galore

Not only does the song Superpower feature Frank Ocean, there’s a small DC3 reunion happening and it’s so subtle that only a few people are talking about it. Pharrell also appears in the same video, and in the first track, Pretty Hurts, Harvey Keitel (movie mobster, also Vince LaRocca from Sister Act) shows up randomly as the beauty pageant host.

Taste of a Poison Paradise: Best of Britney Spears Covers

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Lists by

IT’S THE PRINCESS OF POP’S BIRTHDAY TODAY, Y’ALL!!

Brit Brit turns 32 years old today, and my what a life she’s had. Let’s put aside our dark memories of B circa 2007-2010 and focus on the good things. Whatever side you’re on of the spectrum of hating and loving Britney, you can’t deny how much of an impact she’s made on pop music. Let’s be real – she’s the closest thing our generation has to a Madonna or Michael Jackson. From dance moves to music videos to belting out her songs at the top of your lungs and maybe wondering why you know all the lyrics, Britney has managed to become of of the most influential artists of all time, whether you realize it or not. You think pop star, and you think Britney Spears.

And because imitation is the highest form of flattery, many an artist has attempted to cover Brit Brit’s catchy tunes over the years, but few have succeeded. In honor of one of my personal favorites, here are a few select covers of some of Britney’s most popular songs. Happy birthday Britney Jean!

Toxic by Alex & Sierra

As you can tell by this video, Alex and Sierra are a super cute couple who are currently vying for the (5?) million dollar record deal  on The X Factor. This was their very first audition and frankly, it’s probably my favorite cover of Toxic. Their voices blend so beautifully that’s it’s annoying. Plus they’re genuinely adorable.

Toxic by Melanie Martinez

Can you tell I used to watch/write about reality TV for a living? This is teenager Melanie Martinez who was a finalist on The Voice. Like Alex & Sierra, this was her audition song and blew the judges away, especially Adam Levine, who scooped her up on his team. Trust me, her singing is better than her choice of hair due.

Everytime by Kelly Clarkson

Queen Kelly Clarkson spend her entire summer tour covering a fan requested song each night, and the people of Las Vegas got a treat when she sang B’s most emotional song, Everytime. Honestly, KC can do no wrong.

Everytime by Glen Hansard

You might now Glen Hansard as the guy from Once or The Swell Season, but he’s apparently also a member of the Britney Spears Appreciation Fan Club. Who knew?

Gimme More by Sia

Listen. B obviously had some difficult times, but to be honest, the album she made during said dark ages, Blackout, is actually a really good record. The lead single is fantastic which is why it’s no surprise one of the most acclaimed singer/songwriters, Sia, decided to sing it with her beautiful, haunting voice.

Womanizer by Lily Allen

Is it just me or does Womanizer just sound like it should have been be sung by a British in the first place? Or should I say WomaniSer???

Circus/Just Dance by Boyce Avenue

Boyce Avenue is a band that made it big after posting covers of songs on YouTube and this is just one of the great versions of popular songs they’ve done. They’re really good at mashups, sometimes even better than Glee. Usually better than Glee.

Hold it Against Me by Sam Tsui

Yet another YouTube sensation, Sam has a voice that is smooth and pitch perfect and kind of sounds like he belongs in a Disney movie. This cover was so popular that it even was featured on Ms. Spears’ official website. If that’s not a stamp of approval, idk what is.

The (Half-Assed) Juice Cleanse Diaries

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

In my four years living in Los Angeles, this is probably one of the most LA things I’ve done. Because the stereotype is true, a lot of people here are obsessed with being healthy, which means if you go out to a lot of restaurants, you’ll see the words ‘vegetarian’, ‘vegan’, ‘gluten-free’, ‘soy’, ‘probably completely inedible’ etc. One of the most popular trends is the juice cleanse. You’ll hear a lot of people talking about how they’re “juicing” this week, or getting “green drink” from Whole Foods or whatever.

So the reasons I decided to try the juice cleanse is threefold:
1) I was genuinely curious to see what all the fuss was about
2) I thought the idea of cleansing your body of toxins (and maybe losing some weight) seemed like a good pro.
3) I like a good challenge that involves consuming items

For about four consecutive years during my youth, I participated in something called the 30 Hour Famine, which was a fundraising event for children less fortunate in third world countries. Basically you only drink water and juices for 30 hours, while participating in activities and a sleepover with your pals. So I figured if I could get through that (and think it really wasn’t as bad as it sounded), how difficult it be to only drink fruit & vegetable juices for 3 days?

Ok so herein lies the problem: JUICING IS EXPENSIVE. I’m talking the pre-made, ready to drink juices that are made by juice cleanse companies. The company I decided to go with, Suja Juice, was the least expensive of the four or five brands I researched, and each bottle is $8.99. HELLO?! No wonder I usually only see celebrities doing it.

So I decided to cut my cleanse from 3 days to 2. And from 6 juices a day to 2 plus 2 mini juices (so, 4 for you non-math majors).

THIS IS PROBABLY NOT HOW YOU SHOULD DO THIS. I REPEAT DO NOT FOLLOW MY LEAD, I AM NOT A SPOKESPERSON FOR JUICING.

That being said, I survived so everything came out fine, so I mean if you do do what I did, you’ll probs be okay.

Anyways, here are some notes I took during my 2 day juice bender, and maybe it’ll make up your mind on this trend.

Pre-Cleanse

I went to my local Whole Foods to purchase said juice, but turns out they didn’t even have all the available flavors. So I chose the four that sounded the tastiest, and then four called Suja Elements which I believe are supposed to be taken as supplements. Luckily, this woman who worked there saw me purchasing all this juice and gave me a coup for $5 off! Still expensive. but grateful.

The day/night before you’re supposed to alkalize your body for the cleanse, but eating stuff like lettuce and non processed foods. I did not do this. I took this opportunity as a last meal situation and had fish and rice, just like my Filipino ancestors. I also had food I knew I needed to eat because I was doing this cleanse four days before leaving for vacation so I needed to eat things that were perishable. I mean I didn’t need to but I had wasting perfectly good food. I should’ve probably abided by the rules.

Day 1

Photo Oct 21, 9 55 32 AM

1:01pm

First juice of the day, again this is probably not how you should do it, but whatever it’s fine, I drank plenty of water before 1pm.

Juice #1

Fuel: Carrots, Orange, Apple, Pineapple, Lemon and Turmeric
Surprisingly good. Still tastes like carrot, which I think is odd, but the fruits in there make it taste much better.
Here’s a more accurate description: This juice tastes like Jamba Juice smells.

2:30pm

I may or may not have just fell asleep at my desk… that may have to do more with the fact that I’m tired as opposed to the fact I haven’t had solid food… TBD.

3:30pm

You know what helps when you’re doing a half-ass juice cleanse? Water. I love water. Water is my jam. Give me water and I’m a happy gal. Am I delirious?

5:30pm

Juice #2

Suja Elements – Mango Fuego: Apple, mango, banana, baobab, ginger, serrano chili, lime, pink Himalayan salt, camu camu
This is absolutely delicious. Like a liquid mango.

7:14pm

I’m at work trolling on FB and just saw sweet potato tater tots and I think drool actually came out of my mouth. I miss food.

9:04pm

Juice #3

Purify: Carrots, Apple, Celery, Cucumber, Beet and Lemon

 Dinner is served. Ok so this actually taste like I’m drinking vegetables. There’s a reason why I didn’t get the green juice.

10:04pm

I never realized how often people post pictures of food until now. It’s like taunting me. Unavoidable taunting.

10:20pm

Seriously considering eating some lettuce right now. It’s allowed y’all. So is avocado. But by itself. Who eats avocado on its own? Like just straight up avocado without putting it on a chip or toast or something. I need to know how these people do it. Well, they probably don’t eat at all. I decide to not eat at all.

10:30pm

Downloaded Katy Perry’s new album and she has a song called Birthday and talks about cake. She most likely doesn’t mean cake in the literal sense, but still I CAN’T ESCAPE FOOD.

10:45pm

Look on Suja website. Apparently dizziness can occur. You know what else can occur? Irritability. Thank God I don’t have to interact with too many humans today. Tomorrow is a different story.

11:01pm

Juice #4

Berryoxident: Apple, orange, strawberry, banana, raspberry, tart cherry, chia seed, flax seed, baobab, camu camu, acai

Last drink of the day! There’s something called camu camu and baobab in here and I’m hoping an exotic plant doesn’t start growing in my stomach.

On second thought,  I think I might start growing camu camu and baobab in my backyard. Can you grow these things? I don’t even have a backyard. Forget I said all that.

Day 2

Photo Oct 22, 10 39 08 AM
12:00pm

Juice #1

Glow: Apples, Celery, Cucumber, Spinach, Collard leaves, Kale leaves and Mint

Photo Oct 22, 11 53 37 AM

I had time to stop at Whole Foods before work so I decided to go and grab another juice. Except here’s the problem – I FORGOT THIS WHOLE FOODS WAS HUGE AND HAD AHUGE BUFFET SECTION AND SUSHI AND BREAD AND COFFEE AND FOOOOODD. I got the juice and ran out.

The green juice was actually not as bad as I thought, so I suggest folks who are wary of green veggies in liquid form should start with this.

1:40pm

Apparently having gum or a mint is discouraged in this cleanse because it contains ‘chemicals’ so my apologies to anyone who has to smell my kale spinach celery breath rn. Which is no one.

3:30pm

Juice #2

Spark: Lemon, Strawberries, Raspberries, Tart cherries, Honey, Stevia and Cayenne

Okay this is the first one I’ve actually am struggs to get through. There is cayenne pepper in it. CAYENNE PEPPER. That’s the shit used for like lemon cleanse and it has the worst aftertaste. It’s like my throat is on fire. Like little spikes coming in through my esophagus. Drinking it faster doesn’t help either. bahhh.

Also, there’s Stevia in it. Breaking Bad fans: note I didn’t die. Basically I risked my life for this friggin juice cleanse.

4:01pm

You know, I think I’ve finally gotten over that hungry for food aspect. The Suja site says the first day is usually the worst, and I can attest to that. It’s not that I’m hungry, since I’m having a lot of juice (and if I did it the real way, I would have way more juice), it’s that need to like chew. I haven’t even chewed or had solid food in my mouth in over 24 hours. Weird.

5:50pm

Juice #3

Suja Elements – 24 Karat: Carrot, apple, orange, pineapple, peach, banana

Drinking this after that cayenne disaster is like drinking a delish chaser after being forced to take a shot of jack daniels. I cannot express how horrible feeling that cayenne was, guys.

7:30pm

Remember food?

9:35pm

Ah, so here’s the ultimate test: I’m at my friend’s apartment to watch the Halloween episode of Pretty Little Liars and there are so many delicious snacks within mere inches from me. Like homemade chocolate peanut butter bars and chicken tortilla bowl apps and halloween candy and wine and I just sat there watching the PLLs do a horrible crossover with Ravenswood and drink my dinner juice.

Juice #4

Vanilla Cloud: Coconut, honey, Almonds, Cinnamon, Vanilla and Nutmeg

I was looking forward to this one the most, mainly because it was more dessert like than fruit or vegetable, but it was meh. It was more nutty than I thought and I could really taste the almonds. That being said, it was still good, but could be a tad sweeter.

12:35am

I have one juice left and I’m home free!! Please note that I work from 12pm to 8pm, so my sleep schedule is usually a little later than most. I still probs shouldn’t be consuming anything this late, but I figure I should get in the last one while I can.

Suja Elements – Blutrients: Apple, blueberry, blackberry, banana, chia seed, pomegranate, acai, chlorella, baobab, camu camu

Yum yum yum. Ew. What am I even saying anymore. IDK. Basically this was really good, and I’m glad I ended the cleanse with this and not Vanilla Cloud.

Conclusion

All in all, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I suppose I felt a little better – clean? – at the end of it, but again, I didn’t really follow all the rules. I would probably do it again, but the real 6 juice cleanse in order, and since I’ve had this experience, I think I could make it 3 days. Should you do this cleanse? I don’t think it’s completely necessary to do any type of cleanse, just eat healthy. But if you’re up for a challenge, try this one out. Like I said, you’re consuming a lot of juice throughout the day, so it’s not that bad. It’s also not as bad as just drinking lemon juice and cayenne pepper all day. But hey, what do I know, I’m the person who half-assed a juice cleanse just to save money.

Ghost Post: My Personal Spooky Stories

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

I’m a pretty skeptical person, and I’m positive these stories have rational, non-ghostly explanations. But if you ARE looking for ghostly explanations, I should probably mention that I was born with a caul or veil, which is disgusting. According to superstition, caulbearers are supposed to have second sight (or immunity from drowning, or greatness). My aunt said it was supposed to mean great beauty, but by the time I hit my early 20s it was pretty clear that ship wasn’t going to sail. If “second sight” means I get these spooky stories to tell at Halloweentime, though, I’ll take that over good looks any day.

 In which a pale, creepy child has her dreams haunted by a little girl ghost

If you were a kid in our hometown in the early 90s, you knew about the little girl who was kidnapped. There were posters everywhere, vigils, benefits, constant news reports. She was an adorable girl with long blonde hair, about 4 years old.

About a year after she’d disappeared, I hadn’t thought about her in a long time because a year is a lot longer in kid-years. Then, I had the dream. I was in a townhouse, and I knew it was my home in the dream even though I lived in a 1920s city house in my real life. Isn’t it weird how that happens in dreams? A little girl knocked at the door, asking for help so that the man didn’t get her. I couldn’t do anything.

The dream cut to the same little girl, underwater. She was clearly dead – green, even – with her blonde hair swirling around her face. Then she started narrating from beyond the grave. Ew. I can still hear it: “He put me in the water. I’m still here. They still haven’t found me.” It’s can even hear her tone – mocking, almost, like she’d been so let down and was so done with everybody. I woke up chilled, and thought of the missing girl for days after (days are longer in kid-years, too.).

A little over a year later, I was watching 20/20 because I was the world’s lamest 9-year-old. It was a special about kids getting sucked down pool drains. The station cut in with a breaking report, and before the reporters said anything or a title card came up, I just knew it was about her.

It was. They found the girl – who was kidnapped and killed in her neighbor’s townhouse – stashed in a giant water tank.

I’m sure it was all a big coincidence. How many dreams do you have that don’t end up coming true? Most of them, really – you just forget about them. But between the dream, the tank, and the damn 20/20 special, I wouldn’t go near the deep end of a pool for years.

 In which ghosts hate me cause they ain’t me

There was only one time anyone has wanted to be me, and it was a ghost. [Rationally: it was a series of flukes – but it’s Halloween, so let’s play!] Freshman year of college, I came back from visiting friends down the hall and told my roommate that I really had to work on an essay. “Weren’t you doing it earlier, when I walked by and you were at your computer?” We figured out what time she had seen me, and I wasn’t at my computer, or in the room at all. Meet Ghost Molly. [Realistically: it was 2004, which means if we’d accidentally left our door unlocked someone probably jumped onto my computer to change my Away Message on AIM.]

The next semester, my friends were all talking about the fire drill the night before. I had no knowledge of a fire drill.  I truly thought they were playing a stupid prank on me, until I asked enough people I wasn’t friends with, too. Yep, there was a drill, which I’d apparently slept through — except, at least 2 people said they saw me, standing apart and looking away. I’m sure I was in my bed all night, so what they saw was obviously my ghost twin again (honestly: I hope that WAS a ghost because sleepwalking scares me more than the undead).

The next year we lived in a “haunted suite.” For instance, one suitemate accused our other friend of coming into her room in the middle of the night and pulling on her toe – but he didn’t. Another friend confronted all of us because her goldfish went missing. I’m pretty sure she still thinks we stole it, because we all started laughing — but only because goldfish don’t disappear so it was hilarious (R.I.P. Pearl. 2005 – 2005). Also, my roommate thought that I was home napping in the middle of the day because she, you know, saw me at home napping and could hear me breathing. I was at class all day. Doppelganger Molly strikes again.

That semester, my friends and I were taking a walk when we ran into our roommate. She had met with a psychic who said that the room was haunted and we were supposed to be respectful, prayerful, and not make fun of the ghost. We started laughing, obviously. As with Poor Dead Pearl, we only laughed because it was so unexpected. Then we probably went back to the room and laughed at the ghost, too. Does it count as ‘mocking’ the ghost to name him Devon, after Devon Sawa, the tween star of Casper? Because we did that as well. The take-away here is probably that I’m unable to take anything seriously.

F’real, though, life was pretty damn cushy in college. I’d have wanted to be me if I were a ghost, too.

 In which death comes rapping at my chamber door

I lived in a borderline-divey neighborhood in law school, in a cute art deco apartment with no peephole. You couldn’t get into the building without a key, so if someone knocked at my door I knew it wasn’t just a friend dropping by. Between the lack of peephole and being able to rule out friendly visitors,  I usually wouldn’t answer my door  when it was really late. Shortly after I moved in, though, I started to get knocks on my door in the middle of the night. First it happened every few months, then just about every week. Without a way to check who it was, I’d usually just hold my breath until the knocking stopped.

I don’t think it was a ghost. I just lived in a bad neighborhood and had some iffy neighbors. I got a dog and started keeping a knife under my bed.

Hey, they can’t all be ghost stories.

IDGAF: A Life Lesson From A Fed Up Twenty-Something

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

“I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things.” – our patron saint Amy Poehler {x}

In about two weeks, I will be flying off to Miami, boarding a Carnival cruise, and shipping off to the Bahamas.

Oh, and BTW, it’s a cruise with the Backstreet Boys. Yes, you read that right. It’s one of those cruises that celebrities do to engage with their fans in a different way. these things are becoming more and more common, with everything from a Dancing with the Stars cruise to a Broadway Legends cruise, all going to some island in the Caribbean with hundreds of people willing to pay money to hang out with their favorite celebrities.

Top Chef stars were actually on the boat, not floating around it…

If you’ve been a reader of this blog for a while or even know me irl you know that my love for BSB isn’t new. This has been an interest of mine for the past 18 years. But it’s only been over the past year or so that I’ve really owned up to it.

I basically attribute this to the fact that as I get older, I just don’t give a fuck what people think anymore. I mean that in the not caring about the negatives way, not in the constructive criticism way. I appreciate the latter. As I was growing up, I wouldn’t say I necessarily touted the fact I was a huge BSB/pop music fan, but I also wasn’t hiding it. I felt that if I showed it off too much, there would inevitably be that one person to make fun of me and my teenage self confidence would be forever broken. Obviously, to this day, it’s still not considered “cool” to like BSB, boy bands or even pop music in general, especially years after their height of fame.

But now I don’t care anymore. What it really comes down to for me now is why do we judge people’s interest in the first place?

Think of it this way: what is your guilty pleasure? Honey Boo Boo? Housewives? That one song by Katy Perry?

Now ask yourself: why is this “guilty” at all?

Because the professional critics pan it? Because it may be popular but it’s not contributing anything to society? Because it’s simply not “cool” to like it?

Why do we even care? Why are we even judging others in the first place? We spend too much time worrying about others when all we really need to do is worry about ourselves and how we’re living our best lives. Why keep apologizing or living with shame when we could be more confident and comfortable with who we really are? Why does it matter if your neighbor is a One Direction fan – I mean it would matter if they’re a 50 year old woman who’s legit stalking them and collecting enough memorabilia to be on an episode of Hoarders, in which case you should probably call the police or something.

We should never feel guilty over something that brings us joy to our lives. Just because I like the Backstreet Boys and obsess over Pretty Little Liars theories, it doesn’t mean I don’t know the correct way to pronounce John “Boehner” or what country Bashar Al-Assad is the President of.

A couple of my friends and I were talking about this the other day, and I brought up how my boss at work found out that I was going on this cruise, and the first time he asked me about it, there was this sense of ‘I’m judging you right now’ in his voice. This is a 40-something year old man who is mainly into punk rock. But because my boss and I aren’t really friends and hang out and have deep conversations with each other, me liking BSB is really the only thing he knows about me. He was writing a story about Nick Carter and his fiancee and asked me if I “had a voodoo doll of her in my room”…. The answer is no, for all those wondering. But his comment really irked me. Of course I don’t have a voodoo doll of this celebrity’s fiancee because I am not crazy nor a delusional 12 year old who thinks that I still have a chance at romancing him. Plus I’m an AJ girl anyways.

There’s a scene in Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts who doesn’t have a favorite way to take her eggs. Richard Gere’s character points out that with all her past boyfriends/fiances, she’s always deemed her favorite type of egg with whatever her significant other liked. Priest Brian liked scrambled, so she did too. Bug Guy liked poached and poached was her fave too. And spoiler alert: towards the end of the movie she ventures off to find out which one she likes the best because she likes it- not because she’s influenced by someone else.

As I get older, I have a greater sense of what I like, what kind of people I want to surround myself with -exactly how I like my eggs. Life’s too short to focus on the negative or live a life fearing what others think of you. If it’s not helping others, it’s certainly not helping you, so just distance yourself from the negative bullshit, the peer pressure, the crowd mentality. Think for yourself and no one else.

Because, you know, YOLO.

Not All Rainbows & Unicorns: The Lisa Frank Story

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

Attention kids girls of the 90s: LISA FRANK IS A REAL PERSON. AND SHE HAS A FACTORY IN TUSCON, ARIZONA.

lf hq

And that factory, which used to be a bustling mecca for young girls who only dreamt in technicolor, is now a concrete mirage in the middle of the desert with only six employees.

Of course, if you were one of those kids who totally gave in to the lure of multi-colored, fantastically designed trapper keepers and folders that made absolutely no sense at all you know how popular her items were when you showed up at school with her products.

But over the years, LF slowly became items you would wax nostalgic, partly because there were other designs that became more popular and partly because we reached college and didn’t (necessarily) need her assistance anymore.

Last year, Urban Outfitters deemed it ‘vintage’ enough to bring it back to life, and reintroduced a bunch of LF items into their stores. From t-shirts to folders, to notepads and stickers, the hipster company showed a whole new generation of kids how cool this company was – is.

They even visited the factory for a behind the scenes look at the headquarters, but for some odd reason, Lisa wanted to keep some form of anonymity…

So after watching this, I was a little confused, uncomfortable, disappointed in what I just saw. First of all, Lisa is a self-professed ‘lunatic.’ Okay. Second, LF designs make me feel happy, upbeat, euphoria in a sense that I imagine only users of acid or ‘molly’ feel. This factory seemed stark, cold, perhaps even under some insane dictatorship to Frank herself. The whole thing was unsettling.

Upon doing more research (and reading the most depressing article ever), I discovered that this was not always the case. Back in its heyday, the company employed around 350 people. And it went down to six over the course of a year. LF fans who traveled to Tuscon just to see the inside of this ‘magical place’ could even go on a tour of the factory – until about a year and a half ago. There isn’t even a receptionist in the lobby to great you with rainbows and butterflies – only a telephone with instructions that will direct you to an actual human being.

Lisa Frank herself, in 2003, still with a smile on her face, still allowing people to see her face.

Apparently, most of this downfall stemmed from Lisa’s divorce from her husband/co-business partner in 2005. She sued him, and a series of other legal problems hit her in the following years. Unfortunately, it’s still ongoing, but Lisa is still standing with her company.

It’s obviously a sad turn for a company I revered as a staple of our generation’s childhood, but of course this story is all too common with organizations with ‘fad’ items such as these. But who knows. Everything that is old becomes new again, right? Lisa Frank always seemed like a positive company to me, so why not keep looking at it that way? Maybe there’s still a glimmer of hope that those factory doors will open once more, and we can show our kids just how cool those tap dancing bears and golden retrievers were, not just when we were growing up – but for their childhoods too.

McCharacters: An Afternoon in McDonald’s

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

A couple of weeks ago, I had to get an oil change for my car. The mechanic I went to was not in my neighborhood and also did not have a waiting area. In addition, I went on a Friday (which is one of my days off), so I couldn’t have a friend to the drop off/pick up situation since apparently everyone has ‘jobs’ these days.

The closest place that seemed non-sketchy and a place that wouldn’t care if I was there for at least an hour was McDonald’s. Now I don’t go to McDonald’s on the reg, and I imagine a lot of you don’t either. Unless you’re in an airport or rest stop on the road and you need to get a quick bite to eat and don’t care that you’ll feel disgusting afterwards, you don’t go to McD’s for fun.

I’m assuming this to be true seeing as how 97.5% of all the people I watched come in and out the doors of McD’s were absolute characters. Like, for all I know, I stumbled upon a sitcom set and all these people were hired actors. Here’s just a sampling of the people I encountered on that fateful day – and I hope you never have to find out the realness of this for yourself.

Online Poker Guy

When I sat down with my iced coffee (because let’s be real, it was the only thing I trusted there), I faced the door so I could make a quick exit if I could tell a psychopath was coming in and I needed to bolt outta there. Directly in front of me was a guy sitting by himself, with a rolling suitcase next to him and a laptop on the table, and its cord plugged into the wall. And by plugged into the wall I mean the closest outlet was near the ceiling and the cord was going up.

Photo Aug 30, 11 07 57 AM

yes, this is my screenshot from snapchat. whatevs.

He sipped on a McD’s bev, with the only food being that of indiscernable candy that looked like Air Heads but had a yellow wrapper. He went out for a smoke approx every 30 minutes, and when he left I could see he was playing online poker. This dude was playing online poker in a McDonald’s. I know there are people who can make a living off online poker, but really, if that’s all you do with your life (and it clearly looked like he did), why don’t you just spring for some Wi-Fi in your own house? Also, do people actually go to McDonald’s specifically for free Wi-Fi? America.

Families in Play Place

I suppose one thing that hasn’t changed about McDonald’s over the years is the fact that people like to take their kids for a fun afternoon at Mickey D’s. Grab a Happy Meal, get your free toy, then spend hours in the Play Place. While I’m guessing the whole healthy food question has barred a lot of people going to McD’s for fun over the past few years, the fact is that parents still take their kids to McDonald’s. And the kids are still exciting about going there. I legit heard a couple of tots singing a fake ‘chicken nuggets’ song, exclaiming their excitement over their future of nug eating. Anyways, nothing snarky here, it’s just nice to know that some traditions never change. Also, I probably have a lot of Happy Meal vintage toys somewhere… do those things cost money now, or have they gone the Beanie Babies route?

Guy Who’s Being Too Loud

Is this Dwayne from Full House??

We’ve all been there. You’re in a space that doesn’t necessarily need to keep library type volume levels, but also shouldn’t be a rave – and all of a sudden that one person decided to do something realllly loud that you can’t focus on anything else. This guy in McD’s decided 10:30 in the morning was a good time for him to bust out his iPhone and play some guy of racing game… at max vol. First of all, put some headphones in if you want to play with sound. Second of all, why are you even playing with sound at all? Third of all, forget what I said in parts one and two and just shut it all down. Shut. It. Down.

Woman Who’s Speaking Too Loud in Another Language

Pretty much everything I said about the guy, except replace game with phone conversation that last for the entirety of their meal. And make it en Espanol. The good news is that I think I picked up a few recipe tips on tostadas … or I’ve made a horrible mistake and wrote down the recipe for how to make meth instead…

Relationship Advice Seeker

After the Spanish speaking woman finished her meal and left, all whilst talking on her phone, a couple of guys took their seats behind me. At one point, I heard one guy say that he doesn’t put dishes in the dishwasher and his wife gets really upset about it. And then it turned serious, and he started to seriously seek advice about his marriage. I could be wrong, but the vibe I was getting was a total Sponsor/Addict relationship. Do these people go to McDonald’s to talk about their problems? I’m all for getting help, but you really couldn’t pick a better place?

 

Almost Homeless People

There were at least five men, probs all in their 40s, and they all looked the same. As in slightly too overtan white guys who were clearly brought up in California. Their clothes were baggy, one even wore pajama pants, and they were slightly dirty. It’s kinda like when you see a legit hipster and you’re not entirely sure if they’re a college graduate trying to figure out their place in the world or if it’s a homeless person. The fact that they all had bikes didn’t help the situation. Maybe I saw a rare hipster bike gang of men in their older age. Great. Checking it off the bucket list.

Actual Homeless People

Not actually a homeless person, this is John Galiano, dressed ridiculously for both a fashion designer and a regular human being.

And then there were a couple of actual homeless people, who brought in their trash bags of items. One was wearing camouflage pants, those Adidas sandals you see swimmers wearing to the pool and latex gloves. LATEX GLOVES. DEXTER, IS THAT YOU???