Guess Who? Character Bios: Beyond Glasses & Facial Hair

Posted in Miscellany by Molly

“Guess Who?” isn’t just for kids. The trick to Adult Guess Who? is in the questions. “Does he have facial hair?” “Does she have brown eyes?” No. That’s kid stuff. Adult Guess Who is all about the character traits: “Does he look like he’d work in I.T.?” “Does she Facebook-stalk her ex kind of a lot?” “Is he really into Jesus, but probably doesn’t feel great about Catholics?” That’s how you play it as an adult.

To help you out, here are my unofficial character bios for our favorite Hasbro characters:

Alex

Occupation: children’s’ basketball league coordinator

Character traits: Considers himself rebellious (for instance, he is growing out a Mohawk that he had cut during his 2-week vacation to a “Sandals” resort).

Fun Fact: Recipient of the first-ever mustache transplant, his facial hair used to be the eyebrows of a 43-year-old single mother.

Alfred

Occupation: “Odd Jobs” (read: sometimes helps his friend cook meth)

Fun Fact: Not allowed to live within 200 yards of an elementary school.

Anita

Occupation: Owns a start-up business putting on “princess parties” for 3-8 year-old girls

Skills: Cheerily diffusing awkward and heated situations; good with glitter and tulle

Character traits: Occasional crippling depression

Fun Fact: Yes, her name is Anita. No, she’s not Hispanic.

Anne

Occupation: Small-law attorney (mostly transactional stuff)

Skills: Can always correctly “Guess Who” in three or fewer questions.

Character traits: So organized that you kind of hate her.

Fun Fact: Yes, her name is Anne, yes, Anita would be the Spanish diminutive, Yes, Anne IS Hispanic, No, she and Anita don’t think it’s THAT funny.

Bernard

Occupation: Cossack

Skills: Military strategy; driving in snow.

Character traits: Funniest character on the board.

Bill

Occupation: “The Wind” in the corner of an antique map

Character traits: blustery; long-winded.

Fun Fact: Met Anita, Philip, Robert, and Susan at a Rosacea support group. It’s a real problem.

Charles

Occupation: Your Uncle

Skills: Encyclopedic knowledge of whatever your nearest NFL team is

Character traits: None, really.

Fun Fact: If he tries to smile too big, he has to really work to push it past his mustache.

Claire

Occupation: Runs a scrapbooking blog

Skills: Scrapbooking, mostly.

Character traits: Is “scrapbooking” a trait? Then that.

Fun Fact: A real bitch.

Eric

Occupation: Captain of a Revolutionary War reenactment regiment

Skills: Proficient in late-18th century military slang.

Fun Fact: Not a cop.

Frans

Occupation: Former child actor, when he went by “Frankie Jake Bartlett” because Frans Johann Schumacher was reading too “ethnic.”

Skills: Managing his residuals

Character traits: Just really, really charming.

Fun Fact: Best buds with Susan, who sings “Frans a-make her dance!” whenever she sees him. It’s sort of their thing.

George

Occupation: Fun-employed!

Skills: Well, nothing marketable in our post-recession economy, that’s for certain.

Character traits: Downtrodden, with a streak of almost heartbreaking optimism.

Fun Fact: There hasn’t been a “fun” fact about George for the past 22-months, I’m afraid (that’s when the layoff happened).

Herman

Occupation: I don’t know, probably something in finance

Skills: Amateur boxing

Fun Fact: Has broken his nose 3 or 4 times.

Joe

Occupation: Software design

Skills: Computer stuff

Character traits: Gentle. I’d say gentle.

Fun Fact: Really hates when people ask “Does he have a butt chin?” or “Does he have Sally Jessie Raphael glasses?”

Maria

Occupation: High school French teacher.

Skills: Verb conjugations.

Character traits: Romantic (has been chasing Philip since 1982)

Fun Fact: Has never been to France.

Max

Occupation: Flag waver at roadside construction sites

Character traits: Very self-conscious (he grew his mustache to draw attention from his truly gigantic mouth, only to find that it came in lopsided)

Fun Fact: envies Charles and Alfred for their full, symmetrical mustaches.

Paul

Occupation: Family therapist

Skills: Reframing Guess Who? questions as “I feel” statements.

Fun Fact: has worn the same pair of glasses since kindergarten

Philip

Occupation: Podiatrist

Skills: Classical pianist

Character traits: More oblivious than seems probable (he likes Maria back, since ’87 or so).

Fun Fact: Prematurely bald. Had beard hair transplanted to his head, resulting in an entirely seamless head hair-facial hair experience

Richard

Occupation: Plays in a children’s folk group with his wife and sister-in-law

Skills: Writing songs about such varied topics as healthy snacks, bath time, and sharing

Character traits: Slyly passive-aggressive, so that you can never quite come up with a concrete reason to dislike him.

Fun Fact: has had a serious falling out with Sharon, Lois, and Bram, who “stole his sound”

Robert

Occupation: Funeral director

Skills: Funeral planning, lifting (subs in as a pall bearer in a pinch)

Character traits: Empathy

Fun Fact: That’s just his empathy face. He’s actually pretty happy.

Sam

Occupation: Amateur painter, but really living off some savvy real estate investments

Skills: Can really read the market

Character traits: Judicious and detail-oriented

Fun Fact: Made entirely out of circles.

Susan

Occupation: Studio musician

Skills: Anarchy, zines (early member of the Riot Grrrl movement during her college days)

Character traits: Pretty quiet until you get to know her

Fun Fact: There is a fairly heated debate among the other characters (“board members,” they call themselves) as to whether Susan has white or platinum blonde hair.

Tom

Occupation: Sociology professor

Skills: Can calculate any standard deviation in his head in under 2 minutes.

Character traits: Clear and helpful, according to the scale on Rate My Professors (no chili pepper.. yet).

Fun Fact: He and Paul have been together since grad school.

Peter

Occupation: Retired Dentist

Skills: Has taken up balloon animal-making in his retirement (always a hit at family parties!)

Character traits: Pretty genial and even-tempered, on the whole.

Fun Fact: Flips. The fuck. Out. if you call him “Pete”

David

Occupation: Ikea instruction writer

Skills: Not writing clear instructions.

Character traits: Swedish

Fun Fact: Looks exactly the same right-side-up and upside-down.

31Jul2013

Faux Cronuts: NAILED IT.

Posted in Miscellany by Traci

By now, most of you have heart about the new food fad called the ‘cronut’. In short, it’s a mix between a croissant and a donut. NYC-based chef Dominique Ansel is the man behind the craze, who developed 10 different receipes before perfecting the cronut that it is today. Having only been in production since May, the delicious dessert has become so increasingly popular that people have even slept at the steps of the bakery overnight to nab one of the only 300 cronuts they make each day.

While many report that it is in fact worth getting up early, waiting in line, and paying the $5 for a cronut, it still seems silly that anyone would spend so much of their precious sleep time for a pastry. But food fads (and any other fad, really) are like that. You hear about something amazing, it becomes viral, and the next thing you know, it’s all over the news, and you’ve heard about it so much that the only logical next step is to drink the kool-aid and go.

But for those who aren’t in spitting distance of Ansel’s bakery, there are many imitation recipes for you to try out a cronut at home. With the help of my baker friend Eva, we attempted to recreate this magical pastry, using the following recipe from the Los Angeles Times. Check out how we absolutely nailed our very first cronut attempt…

Recipe by “Home & Family” Chef Hayley Christopher

1 tube of any refrigerated crescent roll dough

cinnamon sugar (1 cup sugar plus 1 tablespoon cinnamon)

or just eye it like we did until it looks pretty

1 stick melted butter

4 cups vegetable oil (for frying)

Unwrap the dough and separate it into four square sections, fixing the perforations with fingers.

Easy enough. Also, this event happened in my kitchen, not baker Eva’s so we did the best we could with what we got. AKA my cutting board wasn’t big enough, AKA I don’t bake.

Brush three sections with melted butter and cinnamon sugar. Stack the dough squares with plain square on top.

Also didn’t have a brush so used a tablespoon.

Roll it out then brush with melted butter and sprinkle cinnamon sugar mix on top. Fold the dough over and roll it out again.

Also slightly modified it by making two cronuts and did not roll them out enough. We are experts.

Cut circles with a biscuit cutter. Let the dough circles sit for 20 minutes.

We had a biscuit cutter. Decided we didn’t need it. Skipped to the 20 minute wait.

Partially bake the dough circles at 400 degrees for five minutes, until Cronuts puff up. Set them aside to cool.

And then realize you should probably clean your oven when it starts to get rulll smoky up in your kitchen.

To fry

Heat the vegetable oil to medium heat.

Read: put a disgusting amount of oil into a pan and prepare to be disgusted and never want to eat fried food ever again

Fry the Cronuts for 60 to 90 seconds, until golden brown. Place them on a paper towel to drain.

It may be disgusting, but it is cool to see the dough all friiiied up. SCIENCE.

While warm, roll Cronuts in cinnamon sugar mix.

Roll/sprinkle, whatever.

If desired, pipe in whipped cream. Enjoy!

NO. Don’t enjoy this yet. Next step that is not written is to cut open the cronut and discover it’s not fully cooked, only to put it back in the oven for another 10 or so minutes so it IS cook and pretend everything went smoothly. Then it will come out like this:

And you will have a project that turned out just like those Pinterest NAILED IT projects that you laugh at at 1am on a Friday night by yourself. We discerned that we need to actually roll out the dough more when we were making the cinnamon sugar layers so the pre-cook in the oven before hitting the fry bucket actually you know, cooks it. But I mean, it was still edible and tasted okay. We just need Dominique Ansel to come to LA.

23Jul2013

The Wrath of Cons

Posted in Entertainment, Lists, Miscellany by Traci

As you may have heard, fanboys and girls from all over the world came to gather in San Diego this past weekend for the annual Comic Convention, better known as Comic Con. For the citizens of Los Angeles, the days leading up to the event are filled with, “Are you going to Comic Con?” The exodus out of the city is on par with Coachella. Just trade in the music, drugs, and hipster outfits for comics, nerds, and a shit ton of people in a hot convention center.

While Comic Con has transformed from an exclusive comic book/graphic novel weekend to an all out nerd fest for TV and movies as well, the fan base and popularity have grown exponentially over the years. Which got me thinking – are there other ‘cons’ out there that we just don’t know about yet? Could there be a ‘con’ that will be the next exodus out of LA? And exactly how weird will the people be that are attending it? Here are a few I found that you never knew existed, and probably never want to come across in your life.

Celebrity Impersonators Convention

Ever wanted to meet your favorite celebrities? Then don’t go here, because this convention is full of wannabes who lure you into thinking they’re the real deal. But I mean if you don’t mind taking a pic with someone who looks a lot like Cher and have friends who won’t be able to tell the difference, then this place is for you. Going strong for 12 years, the weekend-long convention is filled with talent shows, celeb mingling and even classes on how to be an expert impersonator.

Sexpo

Ron Jeremy & friends, because, porn.

If you were wondering, Australia is the place to be if you want to get in touch with your sexuality and hang out with a bunch of people who feel the same way. Sexpo (Sexuality and Adult Lifestyle Exhibition) is the world’s largest adult show, featuring the finest adult performers, meet and greets with porn stars, and vendors who sell the best sex toys in all the land. Don’t worry guys, Sexpo is actually in Brisbane this weekend, so you still have time to grab some tickets!

Sideshow Convention

You know, I just realized how dangerous this research could be. From a Sexpo to freaks at a Sideshow convention, even the NSA is going to be like WTF is wrong with this girl? All for the sake of the internet. You’re welcome. The annual Inkin the Valley and Sideshow Convention is held in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania and the foremost convention to see your favorite part of going to carnivals all in one convenient place.

Twins Day Festival

this photo is such a mindfuck

Fun fact: My mother is a twin, which means a) I’ve never been one of those people who think twins are ‘so cool’ or fawn over them, since it was such a normal thing for me. b) I could possibly have twins if I ever have kids. Yikes. Anyways, remember that episode of Full House where Nicky and Alex attend a twin convention to compete in a twin contest and the whole fam ends up going? And Stephanie meets a cute boy – and his twin brother – so she pretends to be her own twin too AND OMG IT’S LIKE AN EARLY ORPHAN BLACK. So that convention is a real thing, appropriately held in Twinsburg, Ohio every year. More than 3,000 sets of siblings (including, but not limited to twins, triplets, quadruplets, etc.) come from all over the world to wear the same clothes and marvel in human genetics. Good news for you twinnies out there – this year’s fest is August 2nd-4th!

Alcon

Listen, I’m not one to shit on people’s fandoms. Clearly. There have been Star Wars conventions, Twilight Saga, Simpsons, etc. But this one is the most head-scratching of them all – Weird Al Yankovic fan conventions, affectionately called, Alcon. It’s not really clear if there’s been one in the past few years, but there definitely has been at least one, which is one too many. At Alcon, fans can bid on unique Weird Al memorabilia, enter in a lip-synching contest, and you know, just revel in the parody master himself.

ROFLcon

ROFLcon is the first internet culture conference in existence. Basically if you don’t even know what ROFL means, you’re too out of the loop to even attend this event. The convention is a place where people can dress up like there favorite memes, and talk about it endlessly. Guest speakers have included the no-names behind the sites xkcd and 4chan, so again, if you don’t know what that is, don’t bother showing your face here, ya newb. lulz.

Zebra Con

Unlike most of these conventions, Zebra Con isn’t what it sounds like. This convention originated as a Starsky and Hutch fan gathering, naming the event after the Zebra 3 call sign on the TV duo’s car. Over the years, it’s transformed into a cop/spy/sci-fi convention, and a lot of “slash” fan fiction. I only recently found out what “slash” really means, which is fan work where two characters of the same sex are placed in sexual or romantic situations with each other. Like so: (caution: may be jarring for Star Trek fans. Or not). Sadly, Zebra Con ended in 2007, after more than 30 years in business.

Ohio Valley Filk Fest

This is the strangest, and most niche festival of all the cons listed here, as it’s a folk music convention, specifically with internet, sci-fi or fantasy themes. The weekend consists of workshops, songwriting competitions, and open-filking which is not a farm term or sex act. BTW that video above gave me so much second hand embarrassment that I couldn’t get through the first 30 seconds. Someone let me know how it is.

Anthrocon

dear lord this is horrifying

It only gets even weird from here, folks. Anthrocon is the world’s largest furry convention. ‘Furries’ are fictional animal characters and all these people find extreme pleasure in dressing up like them. Naturally. The annual event attracts around thousands each year, who come to scare all the children in Pittsburgh for the weekend (there’s some freaks up in Pennsylvania). This year’s event earlier this month, gathered 5,577 furries, and raked in $6.2 million!!! THAT’S A LOT OF FUR MONEY! The good news is is that the money goes towards animal charities, so I guess that’s a good thing? BTW, the theme this year was called, “The Fast and the Furrious.” Still creepy. A little funny, but still creepy.

BronyCon

We briefly talked about Bronies in the past, but it’s so much more than adults dressing up like My Little Pony Characters. BronyCon is fairly new to the convention circuit, having only been in operation since 2011. But the brony fandom (bro+pony=brony) is super into the kids’ cartoon, dressing up like the ponies, drawing fan art, creating fan fiction, etc. And most of them are 18 to 35 year old males. So, that’s cool. At least they can all hang together at BronyCon.

Mer-Palooza

I already love this one because I love a good ‘palooza’. This one in particular is for mermaids, and I always liked Ariel and her dinglehopper. Basically women (and men, I guess), from around the world swim to the port of Tampa, Florida to hang out and flip about. Listen, if Ariel can score a smokeshow like Price Eric with her fins, I’m willing to pretend to be a sea-human creature, too.

17Jul2013

19 Buzzfeed Lists That Are Absolutely Unnecessary

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by Traci

Chances are the in the past few years, a friend has e-mailed, tweeted, Facebooked, texted, ~~MySpaced~~ you a Buzzfeed link that fits your interests. But if you’ve ever browsed the actual site, there are a lot of random lists that you would never even think of making in the first place. And then there are ones that shouldn’t have even been made at all. Here are some that are just a waste of internet.

38 Signs You’re A Basset Hound
Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I a basset hound?” Well, here are some telltale signs that you do, in fact, have the best genes around.
– Socks are better for warming ears than warming toes.

12 Sounds You Need To Hear Before You Die
These will change your life.
– A tortoise having sex with a shoe:

Things Millennial Ice Cream Loves
– Twerking

Things Millennial Cats Love
– Catsplaining EVERYTHING on the Internet.

11 Times That Pitbull’s Head Has Looked Exactly Like An Egg
Have you ever noticed how round that guy’s head is?
–

22 Celebrities Inexplicably Wearing Bucket Hats
You guys look so goofy. Sorry.

14 Things Taylor Swift Is Doing Right Now
“Not a lot going on at the moment.”
– Embarrassing herself

10 Reasons Taylor Swift And Rupert Murdoch Should Hook Up
They’re more compatible than you’d think.
– Taylor’s comfortable with senior citizens.

25 Places You’ll Find Bodega Cats
Shout out to all the bodega cats of NYC. This post is for you.
– Next to the cheap wine.

21 Summer Pies To Make A Life In
Sometimes you find a pie so good that eating it isn’t enough. So good you just want to live in it. And WHY NOT?
– You could snooze on a whipped cream mattress…

19 Rules For Dressing Like A Real Housewife Of New Jersey
These ladies march to the beat of their own animal print, that’s for sure.
– You won’t get through winter without a fur vest.

27 Broiest Books That Bros Like To Read
What will you find on a hilariously overconfident dude’s bookshelf?

10 Ridiculously Homoerotic Cowboy Themed Photos Of ’90s Male TV Stars
In the November 1996 issue of Details, photographer David LaChapelle took Simon Rex, James Marsden, Jerry O’Connell, and few other TV stars, and gave them a cowboy makeover. It’s weird.
– Sliders star (remember Sliders?) Jerry O’Connell in a vinyl vest! My only question, is that vest painted on?

The Top 10 Songs People Listen To After Dark
These are Spotify’s most-streamed tracks between 10 PM and 5 AM. Spotify’s calling it a “booty music” playlist.
– “Radioactive,” by Imagine Dragons

84 Things That Aren’t On An Everything Bagel (this list is absolutely absurd, disgusting, and slightly NSFW)
Yes, it’s called “everything”, but that’s not really true. These are what’s not included.
– Ernest Borgnine

20 Of The Craziest Bras Ever Created
Celebrate National No Bra Day by looking at bras that will make you never want to wear bras.
– You can ward off unwanted groping in this.

10 Presidents And Their Vegetable Doppelgangers
Hail to the Veg.
– GW Bush is a confused tomato.

24 Awkward Modeling Poses Acted Out By Cats
Because if anyone’s used to being in an uncomfortable position, it’s a cat.

12 Fashion Models React To Fireworks
They just never get excited about anything. Such a shame.

11Jul2013

Where Are They Now: Balloon Boy and Other Kid Newsmakers

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by Traci

When you’re a kid, you never expect to be front page of every newspaper or on cable news 24/7. Hell, as a kid you don’t really expect much, do you? So for these young people, it must have been quite the experience, and one that many of their peers have never been through.

It was recently announced that the famous 2010 Balloon Boy has now launched a heavy metal career, because the hoax he and his parents pulled three years ago wasn’t enough to make them famous. Here’s a where are they now of some of the world’s most famous kids.

Balloon Boy aka Falcon Heene

Year: 2009

Location: Fort Collins, Colorado

The story

On October 15th, a large silver gas balloon filled with helium was floating over the air in Colorado. Six-year-old Falcon Heene’s parents, Richard and Mayumi, attested that their son was inside said balloon. The UFO looking apparatus was reaching altitudes nearing 7,000 feet, and local news stations picked it up. Soon enough, little Falcon Heene became a national sensation, with major news networks breaking scheduled programming to track “Balloon Boy,” and if he would make it back down to earth safely.

Turns out, Balloon Boy was never actually in the balloon. After more than an hour long flight spanning over 50 miles and three counties, the balloon landed close to the Denver International Airport, where it was eventually closed down and National Guard helicopters and police tracked the balloon down, mainly in fear that Falcon had fallen out.

Later that afternoon, it was revealed that Balloon Boy was actually attic boy, since he was in their house hiding, afraid after his dad yelled at him. Critics started to become suspicious of the Heenes, especially after Falcon was interviewed by CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, when Wolf asked him why he did it, Falcon responded, “You guys (his parents) said that, um, we did this for the show.”

Richard and Mayumi pled guilty to the charge of attempting to inlfuence a public servant, and Richard was sentenced to 90 days in jail, while Mayumi served 20 days of weekend jail. They were also forced to pay $36,000 in restitution.

Where are they now?

The entire family has moved to Florida, but is currently touring the Northeast with their heavy mental band, Heene Boyz, which includes 10-year-old Falcon, and his 12 year old and 13 year old brothers (I am serious. This is NOT a hoax). They have an EP called American Chili, which features a song called “Duct Tape Man”. For you folks back home in Rochester, you’ve unfortunately missed out, since they played a gig there on July 6th. But they’re still on the road, and planning to come out with a full length album soon, so don’t you worry.

Baby Jessica (McClure)

Year: 1986

Location: Midland, Texas

The Story

Jessica “Baby Jessica” McClure made national news when she fell into a backyard well at the age of 18 months. For 58 hours straight, rescuers tried to free Baby Jessica from the eight inch well, which went down 22 feet below the ground. They eventually got her out after a shaft was dug parallel to the well, and a tunnel connecting the two helped a paramedic come up from behind Baby Jess and slowly push her out. Fun fact: They slathered the walls with KY Jelly to get her out. Super. Baby Jessica caused a media frenzy and a 1989 made for TV movie was even made, titled, “Everybody’s Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure”.

Where are they now

Jessica, who is no longer a baby (and is almost exactly two months younger than me), grew up like any normal teenager, graduated high school in 2004, and married Daniel Morales in 2006. The couple has two children, a son Simon and daughter Sheyenne. When Jess turned 25, she received access to the trust fund her parents set up from donations from people during her time in the well – which totaled to $800,000. So in order to become an almost millionaire, I should’ve got stuck in a well as a tot? Ugh.

Elizabeth Smart

Year: 2002

Location: Salt Lake City, Utah

The Story

At 14 years old, Elizabeth was kidnapped from her bedroom in SLC. Her nine-year-old sister, Mary Katherine, watched it all go down, but kept silent in fear she too would be abducted. Immediately after her abduction, nearly 2,000 volunteers per day were sent out to nearby areas to find her, but to no avail. Mary Katherine finally remembered where she had heard Elizabeth’s abductor’s voice before, as the family hired unemployed people to help out around the house, and it was a man named Emmanuel, real name Brian David Mitchell, who was the culprit. Nine months after she was abducted, she was found in Sandy, Utah, nearly 18 miles from her home, in the house of Mitchell, who raped her daily during her captivity.

Mitchell was later found guilty of kidnapping and sexual assault, and is currently serving two life-terms in federal prison.

Where are they now

Elizabeth went on to study music as a harp performance major at Brigham Young University. In 2009, she moved to Paris to serve her Mormon mission. In 2011, Elizabeth became a commentator for ABC, specifically reporting on missing persons, and also founded the Elizabeth Smart Foundation that same year, whose mission is to educate children about violent and sexual crime.

Last year, she married a Scottish man, Matthew Gilmour, whom she met while on her mission in Paris. Her memoir is due to be released this fall.

Elian Gonzalez

Year: 1999

Location: Miami, Florida

The Story

Five-year-old Elian and his mother left their native Cuba and attempted to get to the U.S. in hopes for a better life. However, during their voyage in a small boat across the seas to Miami, his mother drowned, leaving Elian as only one of three people to survived the trip. He was soon found by the U.S. Coast guard in an inner tube, and brought him to American shores. The INS placed Elian with his uncle in Miami, but his father back in Cuba demanded his son be brought back to his hometown, and files a complaint with the UN. Elian’s story soon becomes worldwide news and an international custody battle between two countries with a storied history.

Elian slowly begins to have a normal American lifestyle, but back in Cuba, rallies with hundreds of people protest for Elian’s return to Cuba, and even then-President Fidel Castro spoke out in favor of the kid. Elian’s uncle filed for primary custody of him, and his father arrives in the U.S. on a visa granted by the State Department, promising U.S. officials would transfer Elian to his father. But the dad is blocked yet again when an 11th circuit court of appeals sides with Elian’s Florida family. US federal agents then stormed the Miami home and grabbed Elian at gunpoint and brought him back to cuba with his father, where he was lauded as a hero.

Where are they now?

Now 19 years old, Elian attends Cuban Military Academy and is doing well with his father. As for his relatives’ Miami home? It’s now a museum with Elian memorabilia. Stay classy, America.

McCaughey septuplets

Year: 1997

Location: Des Moines, Iowa

The Story

Kenny and Bobbi McCaughey are the parents of the world’s first set of septuplets to survive infancy. They were born nine weeks premature, and each weighed 3 lbs or less when they were born. The couple, who had one daughter before the septuplets, named their kids normal names: Kenneth (Kenny) Robert, Alexis May, Natalie Sue, Kelsey Ann, Nathan Roy, Brandon James, Joel Steven.

Before they were born, the McCaugheys gained national and world attention, even gracing the cover of Time magazine. Donations started pouring in, including a new house, a van, diapers for the first two years, and the State of Iowa offering full college scholarships upon HS graduation to any state university in Iowa.

Where are they now

The kids are now 15 years old and entering their sophomore year in high school come fall. Not really much to report besides the fact that they’re almost old enough to drive, which makes you even older. You’re welcome. (watch an interview of them from last year here)

Zlata Filipović

Year: 1993

Location: Sarajevo

The Story

Dubbed the “Anne Frank of Sarajevo”, 11 year old Zlata wrote about her and her family during the Bosnian war in her diary, which she called Mimmy. For two years, she wrote about the horrifying siege in her hometown, where bombs were a constant, hundreds of thousands were left with no food, electricity, or water, and nearly 100,000 lost their lives.

UNICEF workers in Sarajevo heard about her diary, and published it as a pamphlet, but when French journalists got a hold of it, they shopped it around and her manuscript was purchased by a French publisher. Zlata and her family all survived the war and they escaped to Paris for three years before moving to Dublin.

Where are they now

Zlata went on to attend St. Andrew’s College in Dublin, then graduated from the University of Oxford with a BA in human sciences. She returned to Dublin and has lived there ever since. Now 32, Zlata is a producer on various films and short docs. And she’s on Twitter!

8Jul2013

Sh!t The Daily Mail Loves

Posted in Miscellany by Molly

Please tell me I’m not the only person who hate-reads The Daily Mail? There’s no need for me to do this. As an American, the news and gossip are irrelevant to me. As a writer, the nonsensical sentences, redundancy, and clichés make me cringe. As an educated lady, reading it is probably the worst thing I could do next to slut-shaming Susan B. Anthony even though we all know that Elizabeth Cady Stanton was the real ho-bag. And as a lawyer, the piss-poor analysis of high-profile cases makes me want to bulk-ship my bar exam study notes to the editors — or at least some Law & Order DVDs.

And yet… and yet. I can’t stop. It’s like eating Cheetos when I’m in a situation where someone has Cheetos. I don’t want to do it, but somehow, I’m compelled.

If you read the Daily Mail often enough, you’ll notice that the “news magazine” freaking loves the following things — and yes, all results are from the past 90 days alone:

Calling legs “pins”

Vanessa Hudgens reveals her fins (not pins) as she dresses up in shell bra for mermaid photoshoot with friend Kim Hidalgo
Grey matters: Alessandra Ambrosio flaunts her slim pins in ghostly paisley jeans alongside daughter Anja
From day to night! Karolina Kurkova sticks to super skinny jeans as she squeezes her slim pins into tight trousers twice in one day
Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks and Jessica Paré highlight their curves as January Jones flaunts her pins in a mini skirt at BAFTA event

…and literally 24 more where that came from

Telling us what people’s faces say

Is this the smile that says I’m back with Bieber? Selena Gomez beams amid rumours of yet another reconciliation
The thumbs-up that says we’re free! Kidnap victims Gina DeJesus and Amanda Berry finally return home after 10 years in captivity
Smile that says he’s on the mend: Prince Philip strides out… in his surgical stockings
The grin that says ‘I do’! 30 Rock’s Katrina Bowden and Ben Jorgensen exchange vows on a rainy New York day

Scare quotes

Things President Obama does that cost money

Obama under fire as he turns the G8 Summit in Ireland into a family trip ‘that costs U.S. taxpayers $5.2million for just two days abroad’
The moment First Lady Michelle Obama giggled like a schoolgirl as she got to meet her musical idols at lavish White House soul concert
Documents: Obama administration paid at least $2.5 MILLION for hotel rooms and rental cars during the 2012 G-20 meeting in Mexico

Gruesome tales of child neglect

Capitalization in article titles for EMPHASIS

Sarah Jessica Parker’s twin babies walking places

– Over the past three months, Sarah Jessica Parker’s Twin Babies (SJPTB, I call them) have used scooters, held cell phones, listened to stories, worn outfits, and looked different from each other, according to the DM. But most of all, they’ve walked places – and DM has been there every tiny, Mary Jane-clad step of the way.

When grown-ass women have sex with teenage boys

– I don’t think you understand. I gave up counting when I hit 20 female teachers who had sex with teenage students. There were still 9 pages of results to go. This was the past 90 days alone. Obviously this is a problem, but the degree of glee DM gets out of reporting these crimes – versus the one-paragraph mention of the over 90 rapes that were reported in ONE day during the riots in Egypt… well, y’all don’t want me to get started on what that says about the state of things. Just know that wherever a high school math teacher is pregnant with the child of her 17-year-old student, the Daily Mail will be there. I assume they have a Google alert set up. That, or a particularly gossipy teenager planted in each high school in North America.

People doing horrific things while on bath salts

The Garner-Afflecks

– I mean. I even know what Violet’s school uniform looks like.

Telling you why you’re fat

This month the reasons are: sadness, skim milk, caffeine, your job, food labelling, the fact that your obese mother didn’t have weight loss surgery before you were born, juice, meat, staying with your grandparents as a child, chips, soda.

Twitter feuds

Duchess Kate alternately looking or not looking pregnant

– When that damn baby is born, Daily Mail is going to explode into a million Union Jack-printed pieces, like a British Kool-Aid man.

Animals who seem to have feelings

– Also, people having feelings about animals. A town in Texas threw a funeral for a beloved local stray dog, for instance. The article would have been bigger, but the dog wasn’t also friends with a baby monkey. The Daily Mail LOVES when non-monkey animals are friends with baby monkeys. So do I, though. So do I.

Photosets from Abandoned Places

I like looking at crumbling high schools and moldy teddy bears in Chernobyl and Detroit, and by God, so does the Daily Mail. Always – always – these are from some guy’s blog from 2006.

When women are “scary skinny”

– If you are female, and exist in public, and have a BMI below 18 or so, you run the risk of having the Daily Mail call you “scary skinny.” It’s just because they’re concerned.

When women “flaunt their curves”

– If you are female, and exist in public, and have a BMI above 18 or so, you run the risk of having the Daily Mail declare that you are “flaunting your curves,” which – don’t worry – just means “wearing an outfit” in Daily Mail-speak. Note that there’s no real line between scary skinny and big ol’ curve flaunters.

Sinkholes.

– Daily Mail fucking loves sinkholes. I don’t know why.

17Jun2013

The NBA’s Fashion MVP

Posted in Entertainment, Lists, Miscellany, Outfit Girl by Traci

We’re smack dab in the middle of the NBA Finals right now, and I usually don’t care unless the Boston Celtics are a part of it, and I especially don’t care this year because I hate the Miami Heat. But one person I do care about, and you should too if you don’t already, is Craig Sager.

This is Craig Sager. He is a sidelines correspondent for TNT. For the non-sports watchers, he also served as a correspondent during the London Summer Olympics.

You’re thinking to yourself, but Traci, ‘What’s wrong with this guy? He’s totally normal.’ And I say to you, reader, ‘Nay. This photo is actually a rare occurrence that actually blew a lot of people’s minds because this guy never wears normal clothes.

Craig is known for his outlandish suits when he’s on the court interviewing the world’s best basketball players. So much so that multiple people have written articles about him, started blogs dedicated to his outfits, and even my boy, Kevin Garnett has even called him out on it. But the thing is, is that he’s not even annoying about it. He’s like your dad or grandpa that wears the crazy suits for fun and doesn’t give a shit what anybody thinks. That’s why he’s the greatest, and probs the reason you should get into watching basketball.

Here are a few examples of the NBA’s most colorful character.

because, christmas

velour is always a nice option

his jacket is so bright it looks like someone adjusted the colors in photoshop

this was the boys’ option for the recital costume i had when i was 8 years old, dancing to a chubby checker song.

even craig is like, ‘why did i use my wife’s grandma’s tapestries from england for this coat?’

craig gettin’ a lil kinky with the ties…

i can’t even…

if you’re wondering why this looks familiar, it’s also the same color/pattern theme for the golden girls’ house in florida

craig goin for a three piece suit

going for an americana/barbershop quartet feel

And last, but certainly not least:

this is made out of turkey feathers. real turkey feathers. for a thanksgiving game.

7Jun2013

Are we just making up exercises now?

Posted in Miscellany by Traci

Have you guys heard of the latest exercise craze? It’s called Prancercise, and you should probably get yourself acquainted with it.

For those who enjoy a less intense work out, this might be the exercise for you. All you need are some ankle weights, a large, open area, and a sense of humor because it is absolutely ridiculous. Here’s a brief video tutorial:

No, this is not a Funny or Die video. Yes, she really said, “We’re gonna really cut the noose and let it loose with the prancercise gallop.” This is real. Bless her. It reminds me of the one where phoebe runs, since she just prances around with no shame. This catchy exercise was invented by Joanna Rohrback back in 1989, but for some reason, it never caught on (perhaps Suzanne Somers is to blame). But over 20 years later, Joanna is back at it again, and hoping Prancercise will be the next spin class craze.

This got me thinking, what other ridiculous exercise crazes have there been that may have just been a scheme to make money instead of actually helping people lose weight? Here are a few possible missed opportunities…

The Gazelle Freestyle

I actually think this was all a ruse for Tony Little to get away with sexually harassing that woman without any legal repercussions. Also, Tony Little.

This vibrating belt thing

So people actually thought these worked. I mean, it’s like science.

The Hawaii Chair

I first learned of this item from Ellen, as seen in this video. I don’t know about you, but I just don’t think Ellen’s trying hard enough to be more productive.

Sauna Suits

In all honesty, I had never heard of this item before, but apparently it’s a thing. One wears this suit while exercising in order to lose more weight. Except the real outcome is that you just lose water weight, which you can immediately gain back by drinking a glass of water. Plus, it can also lead to overheating, which can and has resulted in death. Yikes. It’s not even that cute of an outfit.

Buns of Steel

“You’ll feel a bun rebirth!” Okay, is that something I wanted to feel in the first place? This video looks so fake and ridic that this SNL digital short looks more believable.

Shake Weight

Speaking of SNL… the Shake Weight is pretty self explanatory.

15May2013

It Doesn’t Get Better: Life After Graduation

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by Traci

Hey kids. Congrats on making it through about 17 years of school. Now you’re being released into the real world. How does it feel? Awesome, yet awful at the same time. For most, you’re probably not going to ever have to write another paper or take another test ever again in your life. Now it’s time to figure out what you’re going to do with that degree, where you’re going to use it, and who’s going to be there when you figure all that out.

I remember I once had a co-worker who was 30-something when I was a Senior in college. She was having a discussion with our boss about her 20s, and she said something like, ‘Oh I would never want to live through my 20s again. My 30s are much better. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing back then. It was horrible.’

22-year-old Traci thought she was being ridiculous. 27-year-old Traci thinks she’s absolutely correct.

Sorry to rain on your graduation parade, but I’m just going to give you a heads up on what to prepare yourself for in the near future.

Your first job out of college probs won’t be the start of your career

Listen, in this economy (insert gag sound for using that annoying phrase) you’re just lucky if you can get hired. While it’s not liked there aren’t any jobs available, it’s just that more people are applying for the same jobs and it’s just that more difficult to stand out from a plethora of applicants.

I had to work retail for a few years before getting the job I have now. It was half not hearing back from the places I applied to and half me not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. I say, if you have a job that pays you money, but you’re still working towards your ultimate dream job, then it’s all good, homie.

Don’t be afraid to take chances

Not knowing what you’re doing in the future, or even in the next year can be scary. But you’re young. This is the right time to be an adult and be decisive. If a life changing opportunity comes up and you’re afraid to take it – don’t be. Now is a better time than any for trial and error.

In 2009, two of my best friends told me they were taking a road trip to LA and moving out west. I was in this place of ‘what do I really want to do career wise’ – and the only answer I could come up with was something entertainment related. I didn’t have the same resources in Boston so LA was the only logical choice. I went into it with a ‘fuck it who cares if I fail at least I tried attitude’. 3 months later, we hopped in a car and drove cross country and I haven’t looked back ever since.

Dorm life is over

Pack it up kids. Maybe one of the most heart wrenching things about graduating is that you won’t be able to see your BFFs every day like you’re used to. No more dining hall run ins, no more late night visits to the convenience store. Your clique as a whole will never be the same. There will be at least one person who moves away, or in some cases, everyone disperses back from whence they came. You’re never going to all live in the same place again ( of course I’m generalizing here, idk what your college life is life, but I’m gonna go ahead and make an ass out of you and me and say your friends are leaving you). It’s somehow different from high school, relationships and friendships have different dynamics when you’re in college, but it’s always up to you to make an effort to stay in touch. Good luck with that.

You’re going to fuck up

It’s inevitable. But get over it, learn from your mistake, don’t do it again and go on with your life. As the years go on, you also learn that there’s no time to waste on feeling sorry for yourself so point your energy to something more productive.

Be grateful

Okay, so life is confusing and overwhelming and annoying and you just want it all figured out already. But don’t get jaded. Think about what you can be thankful for. The fact that you’re even reading this blog post means you’re doing something right in your life. I know this post was originally intended to be cynical and depressing, but guess what, just like life, there’s always a silver lining. You just need to get through all the murky shit to see it.

17Apr2013

Cups: A Tutorial

Posted in Miscellany by Traci

When Molly and I were in high school, we separately knew how to play the cup game, until one day we found out we both knew how to play it and proceeded to play together and continued our quest to become the coolest people ever (still on that quest, probably not going to ever happen).

However, the cup game/rhythm became popular as of late, thanks to Anna Kendrick’s solo performance in Pitch Perfect.

While Anna used the basic cup rhythm as an audition song, we were used to playing it with a group of friends, like this:

*this video reminds me of when I first learned how to play – at a retreat with a bunch of youth group kids from across New York state. Except these folks are going super slow, and the point was to speed up as you went on.

So we decided it would be a disservice to not teach you loyal readers how to do it. Please enjoy this awkward video of us teaching the cup game in a Starbucks in Rochester.