So Your Mayor Smoked Crack

Posted in Miscellany by Traci

This week, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted that he was guilty of smoking crack cocaine while in office – but refused to resign. He said:

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. But no, do I — am I an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably, in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago.” {x}

Apparently, he had been denying this accusation for the past six months, but enough was enough and he finally told the God’s honest truth. That, and he said journalists weren’t asking the ‘correct questions.’ Honestly, the correct question didn’t come up in six months? Ok Robby.

But hey. Listen, we all make mistakes. One time I ordered a plate of cheese slices for dinner in Spain, when I thought they were going to be scrumptious empanadas. This is the same situation.

In fact, I applaud Mayor Ford for finally coming clean. First of all, it takes a lot of guts for a person in public office to admit to their constituents that they’ve doing something wrong that could potentially be used against them and their career. Second of all, if he really only did crack that one time, no harm, no foul, right? Third of all, it’s about damn time Canada and Canadian politicians got in to some trouble! These U.S. folks are getting all the attention, it’s about time our neighbors to the north had a little political shakeup.

Also, let’s face it, there are worst things that a Mayor could do. So buck up, Toronto. Grab some Timbits and head to the Eaton Centre for some stress relief shopping because life with a crack Mayor isn’t that bad.

People that are worse than Rob ‘Mayor of Crack’ Ford:

Idi Amin

Note that this photo is NOT of the real Idi Amin, but rather Forest Whitaker in the Last King of Scotland, and he won a Best Actor Oscar for playing Idi Amin. This is how I learn history.

Basically any tyrannical political leader who did more harm than help for their people is worse than Mayor McCrackerton. Obvi Hitler is an obvious choice, but he always trumps everyone for being the worst, so I thought I’d shake it up a little.

For those who need a quick history lesson, Idi Amin was the President of Uganda in the 1970s, and notorious for his obscene rule over the country, which included corruption, human rights abuse, ethnic persecution, etc. etc. During the eight years of his reign, an estimated range of 100,000 to 500,000 were killed.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Ben Wyatt, Mayor of Ice Town

Fictional character Ben Wyatt, played by Adam Scott in Parks in Recreation, was just 18 when he was elected the mayor of his small town in Partridge, Minnesota. However his immaturity and lack of experience led to him to make some poor decisions – including when he bankrupted the city after creating a winter sports complex called Ice Town. Ben was unofficially banned from his hometown.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Actually being the one to make crack a la Walter White

Rob-ster allegedly only smoked crack once. It may have been caught on video, but he did it once. At least he’s not using his skills as a Mayor to make crack and build an entire drug empire. Because what insane psychopath does that?

Your mayor smoked crack.

Amanda Bynes

Once Nickelodeon’s starlet, Amanda has gone absolutely bonkers, and she apparently isn’t even on drugs or alcohol. While she may be getting help, 2013 wasn’t a great year for Amanda, who thought getting cheek piercings was a good idea. CHEEK. PIERCINGS. PLURAL.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Anthony Weiner

Sexting. Sexting with ladies on Twitter. Sexting with ladies on Twitter under the name Carlos Danger.

Your mayor smoked crack.

23Oct2013

McDonald’s Food From Around the World

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by Traci

The last time I was in the Philippines in 2005 (if we’re just meeting for the first time, my parents moved from the Philippines to the States in the 1970s, I was born in western New York and I used to go “back home” every five years for a family reunion. I have landed a real job since I was a teenager, have not been back since), I was sitting in a mall food court and taking particular note of the McDonalds items on the menu.

It looked something like this:

Some items of note: Longganisa (typical Filipino breakfast sausage), spaghetti, fried chicken and of course, rice. I guess it never occurred to me until then that McDonalds, although one of the most recognized brands in the world, must change up their menu in order to accommodate the tastes and palettes of its local customers.

During my time studying abroad in Europe, I did my best to take in the local cuisine, but throughout a four month period, you just have to indulge in something that’s more familiar. While waiting for a plane in Madrid, I just HAD to have McDonalds, even though i rarely ate it in America. Even their menu was extremely different.

¿Discúlpeme, España? Your desayunos include toasted english muffins with olive oil, donuts and croissants? Yo quiero McDonalds, amirite Taco Bell?!

So there’s gotta be a bunch of other weird/different/interesting local food incorporated in McDs across the globe right? Here are some standouts from around the world.

China

Taro Pie
Taro is a common potato-like item that’s usually found in Asia and the Pacific Islands, so selling it in China is kinda like our apple pies. It’s similar to chunky mashed potatoes, but sweet and purple. And obviously attractive.

Fresh Corn Cup
This is self-explanatory, but just know that if you don’t feel like having fries, you can get this instead.

Hong Kong

Samurai Burger
This concoction includes a pork patty covered in Teriyaki sauce, egg, lettuce, and Japanese lemon mayo. It’s just familiar yet odd enough that I would try a bite of it.

Twisty Pasta
Inspired by the popular breakfast dish, this McDonald’s version includes macaroni pasta, chicken broth, carrots, corn, peas, topped with a sausage and egg.

India

Since all McDonalds in India don’t serve beef or pork per the Hindu belief, a lot of the foods in the country are specially crafted to include a lot of veggies and incorporate their cuisine. This is the McAloo Tikki, a patty made of potato and peas, coated in Indian spices and breadcrumbs, and topped with sweet tomato mayo, onions and tomatoes.

Veggie Pops
Potatoes and spinach in a crunchy breadcrumb outside? Sign me up.

Spicy Paneer Wrap
If you’re an Indian food fan, you’re probs familiar with paneer, a cheese used in a bunch of Indian dishes. McD’s decided to take a huge chunk of it, fry it, put it alongside lettuce, tomatoes, some kind of sauce and melted cheese in a wrap.

Flavor Twist (Green Apple)
It’s like the regular McD’s ice cream – but with GREEN APPLE. HELLO, AMERICA?!?!

Indonesia

Because who doesn’t like a good porridge from McDonald’s?

Japan

EBI Filet-O
Shrimp. This is a shrimp burger. That’s really all there is to it.

Bacon Potato Pie
I mean this is pretty straightfoward. Forget apple pie. Bacon potato is where it’s at.

Cheese Katsu sandwich
A thin piece of pork, cheese stuffed in the middle of it, then fried to a crisp and put in a sandwich. So, clearly, really good for you.

Shaka Shaka Chicken
It’s like a giant chicken McNugget in a paper bag. You choose a flavor, like cheese or lemon or pepper seasonings, pour it into the bag, then shake and enjoy. Not really sure why this is such a big hit in Japan. It’s essentially fast food Shake ‘N Bake.

Saudi Arabia

The McArabia
Served in warm pita bread, this item is made with grilled chicken or grilled kofta – beef with spices – and paired with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and garlic mayo. Garlic mayo?!

South Korea

Bulgogi Burger
Bulgogi is one of Korea’s most popular delicacies, so obvs it needs to be put between McD’s famous buns. The marinated barbecue beef is covered in bulgogi sauce and structured just like a Big Mac.

Egypt

McFalafel
No meat? No problem. Delicious falafel instead!

Taiwan

McRice burger
You know Ramen burgers? This is kinda like that. But rice patties. Sorry, FRIED rice patties….

France

CroqueMcDo
This item is a play on the traditional French croque-monsieur sandwich, consisting of two slices of Emmental cheese and a slice of ham toasted between two hamburger buns. Because if you’re in France, eat the best French food at McDonald’s.

Germany

The Nürnberger
What’s Germany without sausage?! And what better way to rep Germany than to put not one, not two, but three small, spiced sausages on a roll!?

McCurrywurst
This is a fairly new item, introduced in February, and is a play off the popular item, Currywurst. Sausage, yet again, in a tangy tomato sauce and curry powder, served with either bread or fries. Seems like a bit of reach to me.

Greece

Greek Mac & Spring Rolls
Not only does Greece have their own version of the BigMac on Pita bread, but they servce spring rolls too. Spring rolls!

The Netherlands

McKroket
In college, I studied abroad in The Netherlands, and in many of the train stations, there were fast food vending machines, where you would buy stuff that looked exactly like this McKroket, except sans buns. This is the same thing – a deep fried roll containing beef ragout, served with frite sauce – aka a special mayo that is delish on this as well as frites aka french fries!

Stroopwafel McFlurry
Holy crap, guys. McFlurries are obviously not a new thing. But this stroopwafel is. Stroopwafel is a popular snack/dessert which is two thin layers of waffle with baked caramel-like batter in the middle and it’s amazing. AND NOW IT’S IN A MCFLURRY?! I NEED TO GO BACK JUST FOR THIS.

Norway

Laksewrap
Deep-fried fish with salad and a mango slice in a tortilla. Because, Scandinavia.

UK

Bacon Roll
Because it’s from England, it’s exactly what it sounds like, and probably tastes as disgusting as it sounds.

Mince Meat Pie
Because the British can only out-British their own during the holiday season.

Canada

McLobster
For some reason, a lobster roll from a Canadian McDonald’s sounds much less sketchy than getting on in America…?

Mexico

McMolletes
Mexican bfast? English muffin topped with refried beans, cheese and pico de gallo. Si.

New Zealand

McPavlova
Based on the popular New Zealand dessert called Pavlova, this is crisp meringue, topped with soft serve ice cream and passionfruit sauce. I would like this right after the Stroopwafel McFlurry, please.

11Oct2013

Where Are They Now: Tween Nazis

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by Traci

Please note: Tween Nazis doesn’t refer to young folks between the ages of 10 and 12 years old, who grew up following the leadership of Adolf Hitler. I am absolutely not doing a where are they now on them. No, the tween Nazis I’m referring to is the young singing duo of Prussian Blue.

Prussian Blue consists of twin sisters Lamb and Lynx Gaede, who rose to popularity in 2003 as being the bright, blonde, blue-eyed girls who sang white nationalist pop. What, you weren’t into them? For some reason, I remember Molly and I being fascinated with these girls, mainly because we couldn’t believe they existed in real life.

For a little backstory, the twins were born Bakersfield, California and raised by parents April and Bill Gaede. Their mom was even a member of racist fringe groups including the National Alliance and the National Vanguard.

The girls began to write songs and learn how to play instruments, penning songs like “Hitler Is Our Hero” and “Aryan Man Awake”. They recorded two albums and even toured Europe, performing at white nationalist organizations. They even went on to say that they believed the Holocaust was a “myth,” and in fact, the name Prussian Blue refers to the by-product of the poisonous substance used to gas Jews in concentration camps. Classy kids, these two.

Their story was even transformed into a musical a few years ago called White Noise, a project even Whoopi Goldberg backed. While it didn’t find the steam to take it all the way to Broadway, one thing for sure is that Prussian Blue became the talk of newsmagazines across every major network, as these two ‘cherubic’ girls were being used to perpetuate white supremacist propaganda.

To give you a taste of their music, here’s a song called Victory Day. I really hate to give this video more views, but I feel like I need to give y’all proof that these girls were for real.

Anyone else offended by the fact that they became popular – but actually have horrible voices? I mean like, racism aside?

So where are these gals now, you ask? Are they still touring Europe with their inspirational songs?

Thank God, the answer is no. This is Lamb and Lynx Gaede today:

Total hipsters.

Now 21 years old, the girls moved from California to Montana (apparently their mom wanted to move to a more white state). As of 2011, Lamb and Lynx put their hate pop careers behind them, insisting they don’t believe in the messages they used to sing about anymore.

In an interview in 2011, Lynx tried to explain why they got into the business in the first place, saying, “My sister and I were home-schooled. We were these country bumpkins. We spent most of our days up on the hill playing with our goats.”

Lamb adds, “I was just spouting a lot of knowledge that I had no idea what I was saying.”

So take note kids, if you want to become semi-successful in a very niche music market, just do what you’re told and don’t ask questions, even if they seem like they could be extremely offensive.

They both live in Montana still, with Lamb living on her own and working as a hotel maid, and Lynx lives with their mother, stepdad and half-sister, Dresden (the names of these children, good lord) in a home near Lamb. As a freshman in high school, Lynx was diagnosed with cancer and a large tumor was removed from her shoulder. She also suffers from a rare condition called CVS, Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, which sounds like the most horrible disease in the world.

Unfortunately Lamb has suffered from a few health problems as well, including scoliosis and chronic back pain, as well as lack of appetite and emotional stress… wonder where that came from.

But the one thing that helps them get through the day? Pot. Yes, you read that right.

Lynx reveals, “I have to say, marijuana saved my life. I would probably be dead if I didn’t have it.”

In fact, the two made more history as they became one of the first five minors to get a medical marijuana card in Montana. What a great fun fact to use when forced to play icebreaker games in college.

Speaking of which, they still hope to enroll in college, and are on a mission to make medical marijuana legal all across the U.S. Meanwhile, they’re still keeping their artistic juices flowing, with painting and for Lynx, restoring old furniture.

While their mom believes their mild music stardom was just going to be “a little fun thing to do,” and the twins don’t exactly believe every wold they used to sing, they still have some traces of white supremacy in their ideology.

When asked about their outlook on the Holocaust now, Lynx replied, “I think certain things happened. I think a lot of the stories got misconstrued. I mean, yeah, Hitler wasn’t the best, but Stalin wasn’t, Churchill wasn’t. I disagree with everybody at that time.”

Lamb agreed with her sister and said, “I just think everyone needs to frickin’ get over it. That’s what I think. We just want to come from a place of love and light. I think we’re meant to do something more – we’re healers. We just want to exert the most love and positivity we can.”

There you have it folks. They’re healers now.

9Oct2013

IDGAF: A Life Lesson From A Fed Up Twenty-Something

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by Traci

“I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things.” – our patron saint Amy Poehler {x}

In about two weeks, I will be flying off to Miami, boarding a Carnival cruise, and shipping off to the Bahamas.

Oh, and BTW, it’s a cruise with the Backstreet Boys. Yes, you read that right. It’s one of those cruises that celebrities do to engage with their fans in a different way. these things are becoming more and more common, with everything from a Dancing with the Stars cruise to a Broadway Legends cruise, all going to some island in the Caribbean with hundreds of people willing to pay money to hang out with their favorite celebrities.

Top Chef stars were actually on the boat, not floating around it…

If you’ve been a reader of this blog for a while or even know me irl you know that my love for BSB isn’t new. This has been an interest of mine for the past 18 years. But it’s only been over the past year or so that I’ve really owned up to it.

I basically attribute this to the fact that as I get older, I just don’t give a fuck what people think anymore. I mean that in the not caring about the negatives way, not in the constructive criticism way. I appreciate the latter. As I was growing up, I wouldn’t say I necessarily touted the fact I was a huge BSB/pop music fan, but I also wasn’t hiding it. I felt that if I showed it off too much, there would inevitably be that one person to make fun of me and my teenage self confidence would be forever broken. Obviously, to this day, it’s still not considered “cool” to like BSB, boy bands or even pop music in general, especially years after their height of fame.

But now I don’t care anymore. What it really comes down to for me now is why do we judge people’s interest in the first place?

Think of it this way: what is your guilty pleasure? Honey Boo Boo? Housewives? That one song by Katy Perry?

Now ask yourself: why is this “guilty” at all?

Because the professional critics pan it? Because it may be popular but it’s not contributing anything to society? Because it’s simply not “cool” to like it?

Why do we even care? Why are we even judging others in the first place? We spend too much time worrying about others when all we really need to do is worry about ourselves and how we’re living our best lives. Why keep apologizing or living with shame when we could be more confident and comfortable with who we really are? Why does it matter if your neighbor is a One Direction fan – I mean it would matter if they’re a 50 year old woman who’s legit stalking them and collecting enough memorabilia to be on an episode of Hoarders, in which case you should probably call the police or something.

We should never feel guilty over something that brings us joy to our lives. Just because I like the Backstreet Boys and obsess over Pretty Little Liars theories, it doesn’t mean I don’t know the correct way to pronounce John “Boehner” or what country Bashar Al-Assad is the President of.

A couple of my friends and I were talking about this the other day, and I brought up how my boss at work found out that I was going on this cruise, and the first time he asked me about it, there was this sense of ‘I’m judging you right now’ in his voice. This is a 40-something year old man who is mainly into punk rock. But because my boss and I aren’t really friends and hang out and have deep conversations with each other, me liking BSB is really the only thing he knows about me. He was writing a story about Nick Carter and his fiancee and asked me if I “had a voodoo doll of her in my room”…. The answer is no, for all those wondering. But his comment really irked me. Of course I don’t have a voodoo doll of this celebrity’s fiancee because I am not crazy nor a delusional 12 year old who thinks that I still have a chance at romancing him. Plus I’m an AJ girl anyways.

There’s a scene in Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts who doesn’t have a favorite way to take her eggs. Richard Gere’s character points out that with all her past boyfriends/fiances, she’s always deemed her favorite type of egg with whatever her significant other liked. Priest Brian liked scrambled, so she did too. Bug Guy liked poached and poached was her fave too. And spoiler alert: towards the end of the movie she ventures off to find out which one she likes the best because she likes it- not because she’s influenced by someone else.

As I get older, I have a greater sense of what I like, what kind of people I want to surround myself with -exactly how I like my eggs. Life’s too short to focus on the negative or live a life fearing what others think of you. If it’s not helping others, it’s certainly not helping you, so just distance yourself from the negative bullshit, the peer pressure, the crowd mentality. Think for yourself and no one else.

Because, you know, YOLO.

7Oct2013

Not All Rainbows & Unicorns: The Lisa Frank Story

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by Traci

Attention kids girls of the 90s: LISA FRANK IS A REAL PERSON. AND SHE HAS A FACTORY IN TUSCON, ARIZONA.

And that factory, which used to be a bustling mecca for young girls who only dreamt in technicolor, is now a concrete mirage in the middle of the desert with only six employees.

Of course, if you were one of those kids who totally gave in to the lure of multi-colored, fantastically designed trapper keepers and folders that made absolutely no sense at all you know how popular her items were when you showed up at school with her products.

But over the years, LF slowly became items you would wax nostalgic, partly because there were other designs that became more popular and partly because we reached college and didn’t (necessarily) need her assistance anymore.

Last year, Urban Outfitters deemed it ‘vintage’ enough to bring it back to life, and reintroduced a bunch of LF items into their stores. From t-shirts to folders, to notepads and stickers, the hipster company showed a whole new generation of kids how cool this company was – is.

They even visited the factory for a behind the scenes look at the headquarters, but for some odd reason, Lisa wanted to keep some form of anonymity…

So after watching this, I was a little confused, uncomfortable, disappointed in what I just saw. First of all, Lisa is a self-professed ‘lunatic.’ Okay. Second, LF designs make me feel happy, upbeat, euphoria in a sense that I imagine only users of acid or ‘molly’ feel. This factory seemed stark, cold, perhaps even under some insane dictatorship to Frank herself. The whole thing was unsettling.

Upon doing more research (and reading the most depressing article ever), I discovered that this was not always the case. Back in its heyday, the company employed around 350 people. And it went down to six over the course of a year. LF fans who traveled to Tuscon just to see the inside of this ‘magical place’ could even go on a tour of the factory – until about a year and a half ago. There isn’t even a receptionist in the lobby to great you with rainbows and butterflies – only a telephone with instructions that will direct you to an actual human being.

Lisa Frank herself, in 2003, still with a smile on her face, still allowing people to see her face.

Apparently, most of this downfall stemmed from Lisa’s divorce from her husband/co-business partner in 2005. She sued him, and a series of other legal problems hit her in the following years. Unfortunately, it’s still ongoing, but Lisa is still standing with her company.

It’s obviously a sad turn for a company I revered as a staple of our generation’s childhood, but of course this story is all too common with organizations with ‘fad’ items such as these. But who knows. Everything that is old becomes new again, right? Lisa Frank always seemed like a positive company to me, so why not keep looking at it that way? Maybe there’s still a glimmer of hope that those factory doors will open once more, and we can show our kids just how cool those tap dancing bears and golden retrievers were, not just when we were growing up – but for their childhoods too.

2Oct2013

What Can I Do During The Government Shutdown?

Posted in Miscellany by Molly

After the last person to leave Congress turns out the lights, the government will be shut down. Pretty sure that’s how it works. If you’re a typical American, you are asking the question you ask when anything happens, ever: what does this mean for ME? We consulted real news sources and are ready to answer your questions:

Can I go to space during the government shutdown?

No, you can’t go to space. But you can go to space camp! Or up in a really high airplane! 80% of NASA is furloughed, so Space is closed. Perhaps you’d like to watch Space Jam instead?

Oh, awesome. I liked the part where you said I could go up in a really high airplane instead. So, I could do that?

Sure! But not if you’re into safety. 3,000 safety inspectors might be furloughed, and when your really high airplane inevitably fails and crashes, the accident investigators will also be furloughed. But if you are willing to take a risk that your plane would have passed a safety inspection, or want your heirs and survivors to have a fun mystery to solve after the crash, then you can still go up in an airplane. It’ll be like the Bobsey Twins! Or Nancy Drew! Those books are at libraries. Libraries were these things you could go to to get books for free, before the government shutdown. They might be closed now.

Flying sounds kind of risky. Can I go to the zoo during the government shutdown instead?

Well…. maybe. Park services will close, so if your zoo is not in the national park system, you’re in the clear. If your nearest zoo is a national park, you want to know a way more fun activity? Load your kids into the SUV, head to the closed zoo, and take a picture of your kids crying in front of it. Then, mail, text, or tweet that photo to the government officials who made this all possible.

What about national parks?

Many of them will close to traffic. But it’s 2013, and you can always look at pictures of nature on the Internet, instead! Also, with guards and staff furloughed at many national parks, you can do one better than touring a national park on the up-and-up. It’s sneakin’ in season! Sneak into Yellowstone! Sneak into the Grand Canyon! Sneak into Yosemite! Fall is in the air, leaves are changing, and it’s the perfect October to have a Huck Finn-esque adventure sneaking onto state land and enjoying the grandeur of nature’s bounty.

Cool. Where else can I sneak into?

Well, the Liberty Bell is closed, so why not sneak in and ring it? You might be able to sneak into the Statue of Liberty, or Ellis Island (just like your ancestors did!).

This government shutdown thing is rough. At least I could eat my feelings?

In America, you can always eat your feelings! But if you get your feelings through WIC (The Special Supplemental Nutrition Program For Women, Infants And Children), that could shut down. So, people with money and adult men, you may continue to eat your feelings. You’ve been getting by without WIC already.

Oooh. But the FDA may suspend inspections, except of meat. You may eat your feelings if you are not on WIC and have a strong intestinal constitution.

I should watch my weight anyway, because I have really bad cancer. It’s the pits. I should really try to get into one of those clinical trials.

Not at the National Institutes of Health, buckaroo! 255 trials for cancer patients will not be taking new patients.

No offense, but this sounds like a big pile of garbage.

No. Washington, DC is a big pile of garbage. Or it will be in a few weeks, because there is only so much money reserved for trash collection. Once it runs out your hardworking Congress members will be suffocated under a growing mountain of waste.

Maybe I should just die. Bury me at a national cemetery when I go.

Not so fast, buddy! The Board of Veterans Affairs is no longer issuing rulings, so there might not be anyone to approve your dignified state burial. However: Getting buried on government land under the cover of darkness is just as illegal as before, but there might not be any guards to catch you!

It’s government shutdown season. At least if you die, the government might not find out that your loved ones secretly buried you on Mount Rushmore.

1Oct2013

How Much Is That Beanie Baby In the eBay Window?

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by Traci

You know them, you had them, you hated them – Beanie Babies were a craze in the 90s, selling out in Hallmark and toys stores around the world in hopes that one day, they would be a gold mine. At least that’s what the original point of them was. Today, no one really cares about them anymore.

Ironically last month, Ty Warner, the creator of the 90s craze of stuffed animals, was charged with – dun dun dunnnnn – tax evasion. He allegedly kept $93 million in a secret offshore account at the United Bank of Switzerland (because, neutrality?) between 1996 and 2002, at the height of Beanie Baby popularity. In 2002, he failed to pay upwards of $1.2 million owed on the $3.1 million in income made through investments in the Swiss account. The guy has to pay more than $53 million in civil penalties and could also be in the clinker for a max of five years.

Welp. Looks like the Beanie Babies creator isn’t a billionaire like he thought he would be. And neither are the owners of hundreds of BB who had hoped they would be worth a fortune in the future. Now people are just trying to get rid of the damn things that are taking up too much space in their kids’ rooms. Mama just wants a new home gym, amirite ladies?

I am totally guilty of having a collection of these cute critters, and even had one of those books that listed all the available beanies, and I would check them off as I added them to my plethora of furry friends. I have no idea where they are now or what my mother has done with them, but I do know that I cannot be the only one who has a handful of these stored in my parents’ house.

In fact, there are people who are willing to let go of these items that still, one day, could be worth thousands of dollars (jk, these will never be worth anything frreal). Here are a few collectibles I found on eBay. Just try and guess how much these folks are selling them for. Whether it be too high or too low, either way, these things are too ridiculous for anyone to purchase at all.

CHOCOLATE THE MOOSE

(highlight the space between the arrows or click on the pic for the actual price!)

>>> $1.98 <<<

FLUTTER THE BUTTERFLY

“This is very desirable & sought after TY Beanie Baby. It has a 3rd Gen hang tag & a 2nd Gen tush tag. It is Mint with 99% mint hang tag. ” A lot of lingo to say ‘good condition’

>>> $89.89 <<<

Teddy with Old Face

Is it me, or is this bear squatting and crossing his legs??

>>> $149.00 <<<

Scorch

>>> $1.99 <<<

Eucalyptus the Koala

>>> $19.99 <<<

Erin

AKA the Irish bear. Apparently she’s extremely rare. Complete with Guiness in hand (not really, but they should)

>>> $350.00 <<<

Nibbles the Guinea Pig

No parent should ever purchase this for their child. What even IS this monstrosity??

>>> $29.99<<<

Digger the Orange Crab

>>> $14.99<<<

Pinata the Bear

Because apparently, they made an international collection. and weren’t even clever about it. ‘Let’s just print a pattern of their flag on it!’, the now jobless designers of Beanie Babies, circa 1998

>>> $4.00<<<

And now it’s time to guess which one of these RARE Princess Diana bears costs more than the other!

On is listed as $9.90, the other $350,000.00

The answer is….

>>>>>>> A) $350,000.00 & B) $9.90 <<<<<<<

For fuck’s sake they are the EXACT same thing.

17Sep2013

Welcome, New Readers!

Posted in Miscellany by Cookies + Sangria

We’re in the fantastic position of having a few new readers bounce over thanks to the great folks at Smart Girls. Honestly, where was that website when we were in junior high? We had to learn all of our lessons from Zoom.

You might be wondering what this blog is all about. Despite the name, it’s not a cooking blog. There’s a longer explanation, but let’s just say that just like cookies and sangria, we are a little bit sweet but may also get you drunk if you let us. It’s also not a gossip blog, or an entertainment blog. We’re just writing the things that we’d like to read ourselves. If you can’t find it, write it!

If you’re new to the game, here are a smattering of posts to help you get to know us. If you like what you see, we’d love for you to stick around, follow us on facebook or twitter, or drop us a line! (If you don’t like us, please file out quietly.)

Racist Weddings With Paula Deen (an utterly offensive wedding planning enterprise)

Life Lessons From An Only Child (I share when I wanna share)

Puberty Education & You (or Hey, Where’s That Belt Supposed to Go?) (on surviving those school vids about “becoming a woman” – when your own mom is the teacher leading the class)

Bill Clinton Converses With Celebrities (His rap name is LLSW, because Ladies Love Slick Willy)

World’s Worst Diet Foods (And What They Taste Like) (Why I don’t hate myself quite enough to eat fish noodles)

Breaking Up With Breaking Bad : 11 WTF Scenes We Leave Behind (there are like 11 more just in the 2 weeks since this post)

Guess Who Character Bios: Beyond Glasses And Facial Hair (Guess who’s not allowed to live near an elementary school? Guess who looks exactly the same right side up and upside down?)

Faux Cronuts: Nailed It (Like I said, not a cooking blog)

So Your Mom’s On Facebook (Find out what ‘Rip Van Winklevossing’ is)

Live Blog: Sharknado! (You know you watched it)

Live Blog: My Mom Watches The Dancing With The Stars Finale (for the 60-year-old Filipina woman in all of us)

Characters From My Inner City Childhood (for the 8-year-old urban youth in all of us)

Live Blog: First Time Listener Of Accidental Racist (shocking it never took off)

The Beautiful Girls: Best of Mad Men Fashion (sometimes we talk about outfits)

People Like Us: valerie frizzle: woman, teacher, icon (sometimes our friends write things, too)

The Baby-Sitters Club: The Musical – Excerpts from the Libretto (Just try not to cry during ‘Almond-Shaped Eyes, Broken-Shaped Heart)

11Sep2013

McCharacters: An Afternoon in McDonald’s

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by Traci

A couple of weeks ago, I had to get an oil change for my car. The mechanic I went to was not in my neighborhood and also did not have a waiting area. In addition, I went on a Friday (which is one of my days off), so I couldn’t have a friend to the drop off/pick up situation since apparently everyone has ‘jobs’ these days.

The closest place that seemed non-sketchy and a place that wouldn’t care if I was there for at least an hour was McDonald’s. Now I don’t go to McDonald’s on the reg, and I imagine a lot of you don’t either. Unless you’re in an airport or rest stop on the road and you need to get a quick bite to eat and don’t care that you’ll feel disgusting afterwards, you don’t go to McD’s for fun.

I’m assuming this to be true seeing as how 97.5% of all the people I watched come in and out the doors of McD’s were absolute characters. Like, for all I know, I stumbled upon a sitcom set and all these people were hired actors. Here’s just a sampling of the people I encountered on that fateful day – and I hope you never have to find out the realness of this for yourself.

Online Poker Guy

When I sat down with my iced coffee (because let’s be real, it was the only thing I trusted there), I faced the door so I could make a quick exit if I could tell a psychopath was coming in and I needed to bolt outta there. Directly in front of me was a guy sitting by himself, with a rolling suitcase next to him and a laptop on the table, and its cord plugged into the wall. And by plugged into the wall I mean the closest outlet was near the ceiling and the cord was going up.

yes, this is my screenshot from snapchat. whatevs.

He sipped on a McD’s bev, with the only food being that of indiscernable candy that looked like Air Heads but had a yellow wrapper. He went out for a smoke approx every 30 minutes, and when he left I could see he was playing online poker. This dude was playing online poker in a McDonald’s. I know there are people who can make a living off online poker, but really, if that’s all you do with your life (and it clearly looked like he did), why don’t you just spring for some Wi-Fi in your own house? Also, do people actually go to McDonald’s specifically for free Wi-Fi? America.

Families in Play Place

I suppose one thing that hasn’t changed about McDonald’s over the years is the fact that people like to take their kids for a fun afternoon at Mickey D’s. Grab a Happy Meal, get your free toy, then spend hours in the Play Place. While I’m guessing the whole healthy food question has barred a lot of people going to McD’s for fun over the past few years, the fact is that parents still take their kids to McDonald’s. And the kids are still exciting about going there. I legit heard a couple of tots singing a fake ‘chicken nuggets’ song, exclaiming their excitement over their future of nug eating. Anyways, nothing snarky here, it’s just nice to know that some traditions never change. Also, I probably have a lot of Happy Meal vintage toys somewhere… do those things cost money now, or have they gone the Beanie Babies route?

Guy Who’s Being Too Loud

Is this Dwayne from Full House??

We’ve all been there. You’re in a space that doesn’t necessarily need to keep library type volume levels, but also shouldn’t be a rave – and all of a sudden that one person decided to do something realllly loud that you can’t focus on anything else. This guy in McD’s decided 10:30 in the morning was a good time for him to bust out his iPhone and play some guy of racing game… at max vol. First of all, put some headphones in if you want to play with sound. Second of all, why are you even playing with sound at all? Third of all, forget what I said in parts one and two and just shut it all down. Shut. It. Down.

Woman Who’s Speaking Too Loud in Another Language

Pretty much everything I said about the guy, except replace game with phone conversation that last for the entirety of their meal. And make it en Espanol. The good news is that I think I picked up a few recipe tips on tostadas … or I’ve made a horrible mistake and wrote down the recipe for how to make meth instead…

Relationship Advice Seeker

After the Spanish speaking woman finished her meal and left, all whilst talking on her phone, a couple of guys took their seats behind me. At one point, I heard one guy say that he doesn’t put dishes in the dishwasher and his wife gets really upset about it. And then it turned serious, and he started to seriously seek advice about his marriage. I could be wrong, but the vibe I was getting was a total Sponsor/Addict relationship. Do these people go to McDonald’s to talk about their problems? I’m all for getting help, but you really couldn’t pick a better place?

Almost Homeless People

There were at least five men, probs all in their 40s, and they all looked the same. As in slightly too overtan white guys who were clearly brought up in California. Their clothes were baggy, one even wore pajama pants, and they were slightly dirty. It’s kinda like when you see a legit hipster and you’re not entirely sure if they’re a college graduate trying to figure out their place in the world or if it’s a homeless person. The fact that they all had bikes didn’t help the situation. Maybe I saw a rare hipster bike gang of men in their older age. Great. Checking it off the bucket list.

Actual Homeless People

Not actually a homeless person, this is John Galiano, dressed ridiculously for both a fashion designer and a regular human being.

And then there were a couple of actual homeless people, who brought in their trash bags of items. One was wearing camouflage pants, those Adidas sandals you see swimmers wearing to the pool and latex gloves. LATEX GLOVES. DEXTER, IS THAT YOU???

5Sep2013

Do You Like Infomercials? Have We Got The Solution For You!

Posted in Lists, Miscellany by Traci

The other night I was up late watching TV Guide Network (now called TVGN to be cooler), and I believe it was around the 2am mark when it turned from normal programming to official “late night” programming. AKA the time when all the infomercials come out to play.

Because I was only half paying attention to what was on my TV, I kept it on, and I’m so glad I did because I was introduced to so many items I never knew existed or never thought needed to be invented in the first place. But because they were so many that I watched in succession, I never thought about how every commercial was the same until now.

Basically all these companies use the same exact template to create the perfect infomercial, and every single time we get sucked into them. All you really need to do is fellow five easy steps and you too can make thousands of dollars from a ridiculous overpriced item.

1) Pose a Question

Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Can you never find your car keys in your purse? Tired of burning your hands on a hot plate? Are you extremely gullible when it comes to 3am advertisements?

These questions are posed right at the beginning of the commercial, such as the above for Pajama Jeans in the first 6 seconds. Perhaps this is a way to engage the customer as soon as the advertisement starts – like ‘hey, you on the couch! I’m going to get your attention by guessing an everyday struggle in your life!’ Why yes, Billy Mays (RIP), I do spill wine on my white carpet a lot, how did you know?? Oh maybe because if you’re constantly drinking red wine and spilling it in the middle of a night, you might be an alcoholic an have bigger problems than any stain remover can fix – but he’ll try.

2) Give an over exaggerated Example

If your target demographic answers ‘yes’ to your questions, they’ll keep watching once they see a black and white (or sepia) toned shot of someone, much like the jamoke sitting at home, giving an example of said problem. For the Pasta N’ More product, this suburbian mom just doesn’t have enough hands to hold all her items to make pasta. PASTA. As in a pot, water, and pasta. And when did she get all those items? There’s absolutely nothing in her kitchen!

3) Describe the item you’re selling

Alright, folks. Here’s our chance to lure them in with your new product – which is usually just a reimagined or improved version of something that already exists. Like the Air Curler – which is a replacement for those pesky curling irons you always burn your hands on. Also make sure that it looks super easy, and that even the dumbest of dumbs can make it work with ease. Because the Air Curler looks not dangerous at all.

4) “Customer” Reviews
Unlike the Magic Bullet commercial which is approx 30 minutes long and plays like a really bad sitcom about a group of adults the day after a swingers/key party, a lot of these ads feature people who swear by the item and how it changed their lives. Like how the Chillow impacted Robin P’s sleeping habits (at :50) so much that she doesn’t have migraines anymore! Who knew a cool pillow pad could be a medical marvel!

5) BUT WAIT!
Alright, enough, enough, just get to the chase and give your customer the price. BUT THEN SWEETEN THE DEAL BY TELLING THEM THERE’S MORE! Keyphrase to use here is: BUT WAIT! Basically, just throw in an extra Chip Wizard (as seen in 1:30 of the following vid), because you know it doesn’t cost $19.95 to make one, it’s more like $5 each. And that’s when you add an additional item that’s related, like the salsa maker, so the viewer feels like they’re really getting their money’s worth.