Things We Need To Revisit From The 2017 Grammy Awards

It’s 2017, and we’ll take our heroes where we can find them. We love all our feet-on-the-ground workers and thinkers and doers, but even the Grammy Awards had their slate of performers and guests who saved the show from being a hum-drum night of pop hits and elevated it to the next level. Picks are in no particular order and there’s gonna be a lot of Beyonce. Just so you know.

Beyonce

My explanation for Beyonce’s performance: when you’re in an art museum, and you’re expecting to walk into another gallery room, but it’s actually a video installation and there’s movement, light, color and sound all around you.  Just a few of the amazing features of this performance, because we all know that YouTube video isn’t staying up:

  • Beyonce looking like some kind of pregnant Renaissance painting subject
  • Beyonce also looking like some religious fresco subject
  • Hologram Tina, Bey and Blue
  • That crown. Statue of liberty? Space queen? Egyptian deity? Halo? All of the above?
  • Every single one of those dancers
  • That kind of last supper thing.
  • Bey reenacting the move that always made our teachers tell us that we’d crack our head open if we leaned back in our chair like that.
  • My realization that almost 4 minutes passed before Bey even sang.
  • That time she sang right into all of our souls, personally and individually, all at the same time.
  • Jay-Z’s look of pride and adoration.
Tribe Called Quest

A Tribe Called Quest is exactly the group we need, back exactly when we need them. This video’s going away soon too (we are waiting and hoping for an official, sanctioned vid), so here’s what we love:

  • The fact that they performed We The People, the same fantastic song they did on SNL just days after the election, which came true in the intervening months.
  • The moniker “President Agent Orange”
  • That classic throwback with Award Tour
  • When the wall broke down
  • The fierce looking hijabi standing center stage
  • Everyone processing down the aisles
  • The raised fist
  • The presence of Phife Dawg so strong it was almost like he was there
Chance The Rapper

Both his win and his performance. I included one of Lil Chano’s Acid Rap songs on our summer 2013 playlist. For a few years after, I was worried that one of the most promising and talented new rappers was out of the scene. Lucky for all of us, Coloring Book is making huge waves. These wins – Best New Artist, Best Rap Performance and Best Rap Album – aren’t JUST huge for Chance’s career, they’re a huge moment for indie rap in general.

“I’m gonna talk. Y’all can play the music if you want. I want to thank God for my team. I know a lot of people think independence means you do it by yourself, but independence means freedom. I do it with these folks right here. Glory be to God, I claim the victory in the name of the Lord, let’s go!”

Adele

I think Adele is incredibly talented. I mean, we’re past objectivity with her: there’s no ‘I think’ about it; Adele IS incredibly talented. That said, I was pulling for Lemonade for the Album Of The Year win. Of all the nominees, I thought it was the best-crafted and most innovative: it was the album that would define 2016, above the others. Still, Adele seems like such a genuine and kind person that I can’t help but be happy for her good fortune. Besides, she was pulling for Lemonade too. She pulled a Cady Heron and broke up her award:

“My artist of my life is Beyonce and this Lemonade album is just monumental. It was so monumental and so well thought-out and soul-baring, and we all got to see another side to you that you don’t always let you see. And all of the artists here, we all fucking adore you. You are our light. And the way you make me feel, the way you make my Black friends feel, is empowering, and you make them stand up for themselves. I love you, and I always will.”

It’s 2017, we’ve come a long way as a people, and Adele just “I’m’a let you finish”-ed herself.

Blue Ivy

Blue Ivy in a pink Gucci power suit with a black panther on the back, because she’s Beyonce’s girl already and you can be adorable and make a statement at the same time.

Blue Ivy cheering for her mother’s win.

Hologram Blue Ivy.

Blue rushing in to the Carpool Karaoke car to save a failing bit.

Blue showing her purse to her bestie during Bey’s speech.

Blue Ivy Carter is our future. It’s her world, and we just live in it.

Blue Ivy’s Friend Madison

This woman of mystery is so enigmatic that I found myself searching “2017 Grammys seating chart,” “Jay Z niece” and “does Beyonce have a cousin.” It took days to learn that Blue’s gal pal is Madison Brown, daughter of Roc-Nation co-founder Jay Brown. Blue Ivy gets a front row guest when half of the entertainment industry can’t even get a ticket (okay, I GUESS Madison was there with her dad), and Madison was living her best life and making the most out of this awesome school night outing. I’d never really want to be famous,  but Blue’s mystery friend proves that having a famous bestie might be the best gig of all. Madison mugged for the camera and, wither her impeccable white-silver dress, proved that she won’t just be singing backup.

Drunk Chrissy Teigen and Helpful John Legend

Chrissy Teigen is hilarious, fun, and exactly the kind of person I would like to have in all of my group texts. She’s also one of my favorite famous people because she DOES.IT.RIGHT. Like, she really enjoys the perks and parties that go with her lifestyle instead of appearing blase or too cool for it. John Legend is every guy trying to figure out how girl clothes and jewelry work, and earned himself an internet Relationship Goals badge in the process (“why would I be mad at you? You’re perfect.” Cherish him, Chrissy. I mean, we know you do.)

True, but unfortunately when you’re single and drunk you have to take off all of your own jewelry, and it’s HARD.


In conclusion, the Grammys were great, A Tribe Called Quest just might save us, Blue Ivy is a blessed child of the light, and Chrissy Teigen is invited to all of my texts forever.

ICYMI: All I Ask Is For Adele To Never Change

For Adele the Grammys were a lil’ emotional with a botched performance due to sound issues. But hey, it’s all *Water Under the Bridge*.

Things We Need to Revisit From the 2016 Grammy Awards

I’m accidentally starting a new series for the blog called Things We Need to Revisit, which I kicked off with the Super Bowl 50 earlier this month. Today, we’re talking all about last night’s Grammy Awards, which was filled with highs and lows and Hamilton. All Hamilton all the time. Here are the moments I feel like we need to talk about again today, and yes, Taylor Swift’s maj shade is on the list.

Adele Still Better Than Your Faves

So not everything can go perfectly on live TV, even if you’re Adele. The only difference is that Adele can still make a fucked up instrumental and sound situation seem like NBD. Especially in a huge venue like Staples Center with thousands of screaming fans, it’s imperative for a singer’s earpiece to work, and for the music playing through said earpiece to be on tune. It definitely wasn’t her best performance, and everyone freaked out but ultimately forgave her because she’s Adele. However, she explained later that the piano mics fell on to the piano strings, and that’s what made it sound like a guitar was blaring every other beat and like she was off key. She’s also fine with it because she got In and Out after. Goals.

#Gram4Ham

Saved the best for last. While I think Kendrick had the best *awards show performance*, the cast of Hamilton had their own revolutionary performance in a different way. We both had a lot of feelings before the cast performed the opening number, Alexander Hamilton, live from the Richard Rodgers theater in NY, and one of those feelings had to do with the fact that it was the first time the cast has performed a full song on TV. We were going to be in the room where it happens, only if for a few minutes. It was just as beautiful and moving as I had imagined. And of course, to top it all off, they won Best Musical Theater Album (obviously. this category is usually relegated for the pre-telecast!) and Lin didn’t disappoint with yet another acceptance speech rap. That also made me cry. I’ve never been so proud of a group of people I’ve never met before than this cast. WEPAAAA


Fortunately, Adele still had a great time at the Grammys as an audience member, per this gifset of her just before watching Gaga’s Bowie tribute:
CELEBRITIES: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen her fangirl over other artists the way we act over her…

Adele Fangirls Over People

Our Patron Saint of Sobbing returns with a much-anticipated album on Friday with 25 and as details slowly leak, the more we long for it to be release day. Yesterday, Adele gave us a lil’ crumb from 25 with the music video for When We Were Young, and with this and Hello, I think everyone needs to take a personal day on Friday. Or like a world holiday, because Adele is revered by many. She’s one of those artists that more people love than hate, but who does one of the most revered celebs love the most? Here are just some of the people Adele had gone crazy for, the way we would go crazy over her.

Beyonce

Going outside and falling on your knees and crying is EXACTLY how you should respond when meeting the King and Queen. And “Adele, one minute” – are you kidding me? That phrase should go on her tombstone.

Rihanna

“I guess I have my own squad. It’s not as interesting as some of the other squads that are around right now. But maybe Rihanna can be in my squad! That would be really cool. Oh, God. She’s life itself, isn’t she? I love her.” Adele to Rolling Stone {x}

Petition to have a Rihanna/Adele reality TV show of them hanging out at home watching a movie or out a club. This would never happen, but can you imagine?

Spice Girls

First of all, Adele looks like such a baby in this video. Second, it makes total sense she’s a Spice Girls fan. She was an impressionable girl growing up in England who had the most popular girl group in the world to look up to. Like Adele says, their voices weren’t the best, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a rightful place in music history.

Amy Winehouse

“If it wasn’t for Amy and Frank, 100% I wouldn’t have picked up a guitar, I wouldn’t have written Daydreamer or Hometown and I wrote Someone Like You on the guitar too… I got super emotional with the funeral footage. But I wasn’t really that into the saved voicemails and stuff like that. I felt like I was intruding so I actually felt a little bit uncomfortable and that ruined it for me. I love watching her, but I kind of wish I hadn’t seen it. But you know, I love Amy. I always have, I always will. Do you know what makes me super sad? That I’m never going to hear her voice again, other than how I’ve heard it.”

Adele and Amy actually attended the same school for a brief period of time, but weren’t friends. They even performed at the BRIT Awards (UK’s version of the Grammys) together but alas, they ran in different circles.

Frank Ocean

“I’m just f–king waiting for Frank f–king Ocean to come out with his album. It’s taking so f–king long. That sounds so stupid, coming from me, doesn’t it?” Adele to Rolling Stone {x}

But honestly, WTF Frank Ocean.

Lana Del Rey

Adele accidentally got the same exact tattoo as Lana Del Rey at the same time. Oops. In Adele’s defense, she got it in honor of her son Angelo, not because LDR got it. But she didn’t have a problem with people thinking that. “She probably thinks I’m, like, some mad fangirl. I mean, I am a Lana fangirl, but not a crazy one.” BRB getting a Paradise tattoo inspired by Adele inspired by LDR.

Bette Midler

Well. Here this is.

Things We Need to Revisit From the 2016 Grammy Awards

I’m accidentally starting a new series for the blog called Things We Need to Revisit, which I kicked off with the Super Bowl 50 earlier this month. Today, we’re talking all about last night’s Grammy Awards, which was filled with highs and lows and Hamilton. All Hamilton all the time. Here are the moments I feel like we need to talk about again today, and yes, Taylor Swift’s maj shade is on the list.

Bow Wow Doesn’t Understand Time

As awards shows are wont to do, stars from that network randomly show up to promote their series in a slick way. It’s the reason why NCIS: Los Angeles star LL Cool J has hosted the show 5 times, and why Gary Sinise star of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders presented the Best Country Album with country singer Cam. And it’s why Shad Moss aka Bow Wow (CSI: Cyber) was chosen to co-host the pre-show with actual reporters from Entertainment Tonight. Approximately 2 minutes before the show started, Shad was in the audience giving viewers a preview of who was in the crowd, but at the 1.30 mark, he excitedly yelled, “The Grammys start now!” … except they didn’t. He attempted to do filler then throw away to the top of the show like two more times, looking at his watch WHICH SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM THE TIME? before they cut away to the ET folks who know how time works. It was awkward and I can’t stop laughing at it.

Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood Take Their Time

Apparently their performance was shat on by a lot of haters online, but I wasn’t paying attention – Carrie is one of my favorite singers and Sam is a smokeshow so this pairing was a GD dream. Plus, the sound system was already fucked up (see: Adele).

It’s an Easy Hello for Demi Lovato

Demi was part of an all-star tribute to Lionel Richie, with a medley that included John Legend, Meghan Trainor, Luke Bryan and Tyrese Gibson (?). While John kicked it off with a flawless version of Easy, Demi was a standout in the bunch, mainly because she knocked the socks off of people who have been underestimating her or just don’t know her music. They know her as a former Disney star who went to rehab, and over the past year, Demi’s been out there hustlin’ trying to prove them otherwise. IMO, the new era of her slay-age began with SNL back in October, and with her performance on the Grammys it took her to a whole new level. Demi has never even been to the Grammys before, which was a conscious decision on her part. She didn’t want to go unless she earned it, whether it be being asked to perform or having a nomination (one day), so her debut at the Grammys itself became an epic one with her powerful vocals. And she definitely showed them she was meant to be there.

Stevie Wonder Burns The Audience

After performing an a cappella tribute to late Earth, Wind, & Fire star Maurice White with Pentatonix, Stevie was responsible for reading the winner of Song of the Year. He brought out the envelope, which was a bit of a gag since, hey, Stevie’s blind (tell that to 19-year-old me who legit waved to him at TRL). But then he turned it into somewhat of a PSA.

Kendrick Lights Up

If you were not giving this man a standing ovation at the end of this performance – I don’t care where you were – you need to wake the fuck up.

Adele Still Better Than Your Faves

So not everything can go perfectly on live TV, even if you’re Adele. The only difference is that Adele can still make a fucked up instrumental and sound situation seem like NBD. Especially in a huge venue like Staples Center with thousands of screaming fans, it’s imperative for a singer’s earpiece to work, and for the music playing through said earpiece to be on tune. It definitely wasn’t her best performance, and everyone freaked out but ultimately forgave her because she’s Adele. However, she explained later that the piano mics fell on to the piano strings, and that’s what made it sound like a guitar was blaring every other beat and like she was off key. She’s also fine with it because she got In and Out after. Goals.

Sofia Vergara Did A Thing

Believe it or not, Sofia Vergara helped close out the Grammys. Backstory: Pitbull made a surprise appearance at Sofia’s wedding to Joe Manganiello last year by performing a few songs at their reception. I’m assuming to help pay him back, she agreed to dress up as a Taxi and dance around the stage during his performance. So, that happened.

Taylor’s Got It Made In the Shade

If you’ve been following the Kanye drama over the past week (there’s a lot so it’s fair if you haven’t), you know that he name dropped Taylor in his new song Famous. He says, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / I made that bitch famous.” Long story short, Kanye isn’t apologizing and Taylor responded for the first time by throwing the most shade to him in her acceptance speech for Album of the Year. Like, if you need to describe to someone what shade is (which I’ve had to do), this speech is the textbook definition of it. PS: Remember the time Taylor thought she won Album of the Year in 2014 because “Red” sounds a lot like “Random Access Memories” by Daft Punk?? STILL FUNNY.

#Gram4Ham

Saved the best for last. While I think Kendrick had the best *awards show performance*, the cast of Hamilton had their own revolutionary performance in a different way. We both had a lot of feelings before the cast performed the opening number, Alexander Hamilton, live from the Richard Rodgers theater in NY, and one of those feelings had to do with the fact that it was the first time the cast has performed a full song on TV. We were going to be in the room where it happens, only if for a few minutes. It was just as beautiful and moving as I had imagined. And of course, to top it all off, they won Best Musical Theater Album (obviously. this category is usually relegated for the pre-telecast!) and Lin didn’t disappoint with yet another acceptance speech rap. That also made me cry. I’ve never been so proud of a group of people I’ve never met before than this cast. WEPAAAA

ICYMI: Get Up and Shake the Glitter Off Your Clothes

We’re still not over The Hunger Games outfit and that lion and Left Shark from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl performance. If you already need a refresher on the insane fashion, here’s a recap.

Katy Perry’s Halftime Show: Best And Worst Dressed

What did YOU wear for the Superbowl? Me, I wore the heavy cloak of disappointment. Disappointment in the game itself, one of those ones where I was just rooting against the team that I wanted to lose most. Disappointment in that one Nationwide commercial, which only came in second on my list of Most Depressing Superbowl Moments because one year my grandfather died during the game.  Disappointment in social media, where I assume the #LikeABoy hashtag was started by the same bros who thought up #ALLlivesMatter. But you know what? Not disappointment in the halftime show, really. It was good. Like any proper Katy Perry spectacle, the performance was full of over-the-top, fun costumes. Here are the best and worst.

Best Dressed

Katy Perry in the The More You Know symbol

Remember when you’d hear that “bing biiing bing BIIING” chime at the end of one of those PSAs when you were younger, and realize that that your favorite NBC stars had tricked you into learning something? Well, you probably had the same feeling seeing this symbol. Oh, shoot, there was a lesson in all of this?

A Human in This Cranky Ball Costume

“Hi Nana, it’s Stephanie! I got the job! I’m dancing with Katy Perry at the Superbowl!”

“The bucktoothed, downtrodden beach ball with the blue tights.”

“Nana? NANA?”

[These maybe should be on the “worst” list, but I’m just so happy that this was on my TV last night and my internet this morning.]

The Athenians, Probably in This Trojan Lion

While watching this entrance, I imagined that at some point the lion would open up and members of my favorite NFL team would spill out, taking over the game so that I could watch players I actually liked.

Missy Elliott in One Of Those Outfits She Wears

When Missy appeared on stage, even though the show was going well already, it felt like she … well … put her thing down, flipped it, and reversed it. The show was ON. And I’m so glad that she wore one of her classic Missy Elliott jumpsuits, along with a ball cap and hoop earrings. If I tried to wear her outfit, I’d look like I was in my jammies. But Missy looked like the rapper we all know, love, and really, really missed. How good does she look?!


With the Grammys today, that means we’re in for even more crazy outfits for the second Sunday in a row. There’s a precedent set for these awards because musicians tend to have a bit of cray in them.

The Worst: Grammys Fashion Through the Years

Awards season continues this Sunday with the 56th annual Grammys, a brief distraction from the weekly January fete of movies and television. Like the grown-up version of the MTV VMAs, the Grammys are where the rules of the red carpet are thrown out the window. It’s a show for rockers, rappers, pop stars and singers who are artists and basically wear whatever the hell they want.

Over the years, there have a been quite a few stunning (I mean that in the way that ‘Oh my GOD I am stunned by the egg contraption Lady Gaga is arriving in’, not ‘Beyonce looks stunning in that gold gown’) outfits on the red carpet, and here are just a few to get you prepared for Sunday.

Annie Lennox (1984)

I’m gonna let you take a second and figure out which one is Annie Lennox. Okay good. Now remember when Lady Gaga became Jo Calderone? Yeah, Annie did it first.

Shirley Manson in Garbage – literally (1999)

There’s no better way to promote your own band than by sticking it to the front of your see through dress.

Jennifer Lopez in Versace (2000)

Ah, the infamous green Versace dress. I think this will go down as one of the most recognizable gowns in all of Grammys history. I remember when this happened and everyone making a reallly big deal out of it. 14 years later, it’s funny because I think people would still make a big deal out of it, despite all the Mileys and Lady Gagas of the world.

Christina Aguilera in Versace (2000)

The only thing that could make this more 2000/millennial is if Xtina was wearing butterfly clips in her hair to match the jeweled butterflies on her dress.

Missy Elliot in Versace (2000)

Supa Dupa Fly – and sharp.

Toni Braxton in Richard Tyler (2001)

Lawddd Toni, I know it’s LA but seriously wouldn’t you be cold in this dress? And by dress I mean piece of fabric cut like one of those paper snowflakes you make in elementary school.

Christina Aguilera in Trish Summerville (2001)

The 90s/00s weren’t the best for fashion and Christina wasn’t exempt from the horrors. I don’t know what to be more offended by – the dress that looks like pink fur or the cornrows.

Lil Kim in Chanel (2002)

Beep beep – who’s got the keys to my Chanel jeep? I think Lil Kim was hanging out with Sisqo a little too much.

Alicia Keys in Christian Dior (2002)

I mean… it’s a nice… teal color?

Mary J Blige in Gucci (2004)

Mary J – you’re better than this. You’re better than a knock off version of Big Bird.

Imogen Heap in items picked from the earth (2007)

Imogen Heap OF TRASH, more like.

OkGo in tapestries (2007)

Two years after this abomination on the red carpet, OkGo went on to make this Grammy winning and viral video for Here It Goes Again, and that’s how most people were first introduced to them. Good thing their faces were covered at these Grammys because holy hell what in the actual fuck is this shit?

M.I.A. in House of Holland (2009)

*All I wanna do is BANG BANG BANG BANG and KACHINNGG dress you in something more appropriate for a woman who is about to pop out a human baby*

Nicki Minaj in Givenchy (2011)

Look, obviously Nicki Minaj has never been one to blend in with the crowd, but this is taking it too far. Even Elvira was probs like, ‘No, honey. No.’

Katy Perry in Armani Prive (2011)

I want to know what Katy’s (and her stylist’s) thought process was when picking this dress. Like, ‘Oh, I know what would make this BEYOND. ANGEL WINGS. YASS.’

Lady Gaga in Egg (2011)

Ok, we’re bouts to get personal for a second. In 2010 and 2011, I was lucky enough to be in the bleachers at the end of the red carpet at the Grammys. Both times, it was a complete blur, because every single artist that walked the red carpet was mere feet in front of me and I can’t even begin to list everyone I saw. From Beyonce to Rihanna to Miley, it was a veritable who’s who of the music business. In saying that, I was also there for this magic moment when Lady Gaga arrive in an egg.

There were rumblings trickling down the carpet, because obviously if Lady Gaga is coming to an event, you’re wondering what ridiculous getup she’s going to wear. This time around, it wasn’t what she was wearing that was buzzing about but what she was literally in that made people’s heads turn. IRL, it was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, because the egg was actually kind of see through and you could vaguely tell she was in there incubating. Not that weird for Gaga, but weird for everyone else.

That being said, in doing research for this post, I found a picture of me being SUPER excited to be inches away from Gaga because she was waving to us (especially the gay little monster next to me). I am crying laughing at this picture.

Photo Feb 13, 1 50 29 PM

Fergie in Jean Paul Gaultier (2012)

This dress is almostttt there. Almost. Except for the whole see through thing.

Nicki Minaj in Versace (2012)

This guy plays Santa during the holidays at the Glendale Galleria and needed the extra cash to play the pope*.

*Not true. But he’s wondering what he got himself into with this one.

Saturday Spotlight: Everybody’s Working On The Weekend

Gone are the youthful days of working for the weekend. This week finds me holed up in the office, for reasons that won’t interest 90% of our readers. One-hit-wonder Loverboy’s 80s anthem, Working For The Weekend, mocks me. Maybe it’s mocking you, too. If you’re taking a break from your weekend work – whether it’s office-y stuff, a coffee shop shift, or the never-ending work of caring for your kids – take that break with us and catch up on this week’s posts!


Katy Perry’s Halftime Show: Best And Worst Dressed
The Athenians, Probably in This Trojan Lion

While watching this entrance, I imagined that at some point the lion would open up and members of my favorite NFL team would spill out, taking over the game so that I could watch players I actually liked.

Missy Elliott in One Of Those Outfits She Wears

When Missy appeared on stage, even though the show was going well already, it felt like she … well … put her thing down, flipped it, and reversed it. The show was ON. And I’m so glad that she wore one of her classic Missy Elliott jumpsuits, along with a ball cap and hoop earrings. If I tried to wear her outfit, I’d look like I was in my jammies. But Missy looked like the rapper we all know, love, and really, really missed. How good does she look?!

By the way, I’m choosing to believe that one of her dancers was that girl from the Miss Elliott videos of the mid-2000s.


5,000 Candles in the Wind: Residents of Pawnee
Orin

Favorite Moment(s): His performance art piece, where he’s acting as an animal living on a Human Farm.

Why we’ll miss him: He’s just so weird.

Where he’ll be in another three year time jump: A curator from the Indianapolis Museum of Art accidentally went to Orin’s Human Farm exhibit and ran into him again in 2018 at a mutual friend’s gallery called “Laser Snakes”. He offered Orin a curator job at the Museum, and he now seeks out performance artists from around the world. He’s still super weird.

Perd Hapley

Favorite Moment(s): Breaking the news of Leslie’s (non) affair with Dexhart in Christmas Scandal; his role as (not a real) judge in Perdple’s Court

Why we’ll miss him: How will we know when a scandal is supposed to be brewing now?

Where he’ll be in another three year time jump: Starring in the locally produced Western show, Howdy, Perdner! Also, the locally produced quiz show, Revenge Of The Perds. And the locally produced birdwatching program, A Perd In The Hand. Plus the locally produced children’s cartoon, Harold And The Perdple Crayon. Everyone agrees that he’s gotten a little carried away.


 

Nationwide’s Guide To Creating A Very Sad Commercial

Can there be an animal? Maybe that animal could be an old person’s only friend. That’s pretty good. Gets in fear of loneliness, dread of your own mortality, and a cute puppy. To wit:

 

Hang on. That dog looks pretty happy and well-tended. Could you make that animal sadder, like lost or bedraggled, maybe?

 

Okay. That was nice. Let’s try making that animal almost die, now. What else? I don’t know. 90s folk-pop, I suppose.


POV on FOB: Why We Need Fresh Off The Boat

If your life was made into a movie, who would play you?

I’ve been asked this a few times throughout the years, and I always end up resorting to the same two actresses: Margaret Cho and Lucy Liu. Chances are, if you’re not Asian, you don’t have this problem. You probably have never even thought about how that question would be a much deeper question than it is on the surface.

When it came down to it, I always picked Margaret Cho. I just looked more like her than the skinny, tall, perfectly straight, long-haired Lucy Liu. Part of this answer may also have to do with the fact that in 1994, I saw Margaret Cho and her Korean-American family on TV in a show called All-American Girl. I guess I didn’t realize it until then, but it’s the first time I saw anyone that remotely looked like me depicted on TV. I was a nine year old who already watched too much television (go figure), and so I was used to seeing families like the Tanners and the Winslows, but never anyone like the Kims on All-American Girl.

The show may have been groundbreaking, but it was also criticized for its blatant use of stereotypes and basically became a caricature of itself. It ended after just one season, and there hasn’t been a show featuring Asian-American families ever since. Until last night.


Playlist of the Month: Songs by 2015 Grammy Nominees
3005 by Childish Gambino {Best Rap Performance}

Being a fan of Community, I was an early adapter to Childish Gambino. I saw him live in 2010, and as he became more popular over the past few years, the venues started getting bigger and, for some reason, the audience kept getting younger. Anyways, I was a hardcore Gambino Girl back in the day and am particularly partial to his earlier stuff. His Grammy-nominated album (!) because the internet was clearly an evolution of his sound, and although it was good, I just personally liked the tracks off Camp and his EP better (Kauai is really good too, tho). But one song I couldn’t (and still can’t) stop playing is 3005, which is reminiscent of that early sound I loved. A fun thing to do is listen to it on your car and when the beat kicks in on the chorus, turn the volume way up and then immediately turn it back down because you are old now.

Playlist of the Month: Songs by 2015 Grammy Nominees

The Grammy Awards are this Sunday, and the nominees always remind me how much music I’m not listening to. There are whole categories – chamber music, regional roots, children’s  – that I can honestly say I haven’t played once in the past 12 months. Neither of us is concerned with what music is supposed to be highbrow or cool, which is probably why you won’t see anything from the more esoteric categories. We just like what we like. Here’s what we liked from the 2015 Grammy nominees:

Molly’s Picks

Jackie And Wilson by Hozier {Song Of The Year}

I have a rule that if there are more than three songs I want to download from an album, I just buy the whole thing. That was the case with Hozier’s self-titled debut. We all know Take Me To Church, the song for which he was nominated and the Top 40 constant for the past 3 months. But this is an album with, like, 10 standout tracks. It was hard to pick just one, but it felt right to introduce everyone to one of Hozier’s more uptempo tunes.

Bed Peace by Jhene Aiko ft. Childish Gambino {Best Urban Contemporary Album}

If you can watch this video without wishing that Donald Glover and Jhene Aiko would just be a couple already, I can’t relate. As someone who listens to a lot of … um… urban contemporary? music, Sail Out is really refreshing because it’s sort of floaty and beachy in addition to the typical rap solos and R&B beats.

Seriously. Does anyone still say “urban music” though?

Afterlife by Arcade Fire {Best Alternative Music Album}

Also, does anyone still say “alternative music?”

Usually I listen to Arcade Fire when I feel like revisiting 2005 (see also: Bright Eyes, Motion City Soundtrack). While Reflektor still sounds like Arcade Fire, they’ve definitely moved further into the synth-y, electronic, dancey direction.

Bad Blood by Bastille {Best New Artist}

It always feels like the Grammys use some fuzzy math for what’s a “new” artist. So, yeah, Bastille’s been around for a minute. I’ve been watching Twin Peaks so I had to pick the song named after pretty, dead Laura Palmer, even though this one sounds sort of surprisingly Phil Collins-y.

Severed Crossed Fingers by St. Vincent {Best Alternative Music Album}

I’ll admit it. This is my least favorite St. Vincent album. But it’s still really good, and I’m always in favor of artists trying new things instead of spitting out what they think their audience wants.

Traci’s Picks

3005 by Childish Gambino {Best Rap Performance}

Being a fan of Community, I was an early adapter to Childish Gambino. I saw him live in 2010, and as he became more popular over the past few years, the venues started getting bigger and, for some reason, the audience kept getting younger. Anyways, I was a hardcore Gambino Girl back in the day and am particularly partial to his earlier stuff. His Grammy-nominated album (!) because the internet was clearly an evolution of his sound, and although it was good, I just personally liked the tracks off Camp and his EP better (Kauai is really good too, tho). But one song I couldn’t (and still can’t) stop playing is 3005, which is reminiscent of that early sound I loved. A fun thing to do is listen to it on your car and when the beat kicks in on the chorus, turn the volume way up and then immediately turn it back down because you are old now.

New Flame by Chris Brown featuring Usher & Rick Ross {Best R&B Performance}

UGH CHRIS BROWN. STOP MAKING MUSIC I LIKE, BECAUSE YOU ARE LIT’RALLY THE WORST. But hi Usher. UGH CHRIS BROWn,.

Rather Be by Clean Bandit featuring Jess Glynne {Best Dance Recording}

I was in the unique position of reading about how this song was burning up the UK charts prior to actually hearing it. I decided to see what all the fuss was about, and immediately got addicted to it, and now am a fan of both Clean Bandit and Jess Glynne. Her voice is perfectly suited for Clean Bandit’s sound, and vice versa.

Something in the Water by Carrie Underwood {Best Country Solo Performance}

I’ve mentioned on this blog before that I’m particular to Carrie Underwood, specifically that hearing her sing usually makes me cry. This song is no different. It was a track she released in conjunction with her greatest hits album, and like a couple of her other songs, it’s classified under the Christian genre, and she even samples Amazing Grace towards the end. That song is so traditional that it can be overplayed and overused, but Carrie makes it sound brand new and makes you feel something within, no matter what you believe.

Day Drinking by Little Big Town {Best Country Duo/Group Performance}

So it’s February, and there may or may not be a blizzard going on outside your home right now, but if you want to feel like it’s summer and you’re throwing back a few margs or beers or alcohol of your choice, just listen to this song.

Honorable Mentions:

Bound 2 by Kanye West featuring Charlie Wilson {Best Rap/Sung Performance}, Ain’t It Fun by Paramore {Best Rock Song}, Automatic by Miranda Lambert {Best Country Song}

Saturday Spotlight: Celebrate Good Times (C’mon!)

Our posts this week were all about those little big reasons to celebrate in life – the Superbowl, BFFs, weddings, and Justin Bieber’s sweet, sweet schadenfreude. Queue up some Kool and the Gang and get celebrating!

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Justin Bieber Mugshot Redux

The OG:

Mugshot or Proactiv commercial?

There’s really not too much more I can say about this that you’re not already thinking. This kid is ridiculous and clearly needs help. However the people of the internetz, like usual, had something to say about Bieber’s arrest and of course, this smizin mugshot. Here are just a few of the hilarious and perfect reactions the world wide web had to Jail Bieber.

Just hold on, we’re going home (hopefully back to Canada)

Andd finally, perhaps my most favorite of them all. IDK who should be offended more.

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Be My BFF: Ann Perkins

Parks and Recreation just won’t be the same without Pawnee’s greatest love story playing out on screen. Don’t worry, I’m not talking about Ann Perkins and Chris Traeger – Chris’s first love is, and always will be, whatever Prevention Magazine tells him it is. No, I mean Ann and Leslie. As I mentioned in our last Be My BFF, I’m much more of a Rhoda than a Mary. Every TV protagonist needs a sidekick, and the longer you spend with our fictional friends in Pawnee, the more you wish that Ann Perkins was your BFF, too. Here’s why:

Instant Friendship Chemistry

Unlike relationships in romantic comedies, most love stories don’t begin with grating animosity that slowly gives way to love. Most of my real-life friendships began with that weird, instant friendship chemistry — not too unlike the first day of kindergarten, when you’d ask the girl next to you to share crayons, and then immediately ask if she wanted to be friends.

When Ann showed up at that first town meeting, she did think Leslie was a bit of a weirdo – and she wasn’t all the way wrong. But more than that, she saw that Leslie had a good heart and would do anything to meet her goals. Besides, Ann really needed to get rid of that pit. Before you know it, Ann and Leslie were scheming to build a park and drunkenly warbling Lady Marmalade. I can’t tell you how many of my friendships have started that way.

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Woman Crush Wednesday: Laura Benanti

Today I’m starting a new series after the popular Wednesday trending hashtag, #WCW otherwise known as Woman Crush Wednesday. Now I know this is usually reserved for guys to tag their celebrity or real life paramores, but I’m going to take this time to talk about my girl crush on Laura Benanti. #SameLoveYall

Making Twitter Her Bitch

I think what pushed my #wcw over the edge was by following her on Twitter. Like the Anna Kendricks and Josh Grobans of the world, Laura has managed to kill it every single time in 140 characters or less.

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Point/Counterpoint: Televised Weddings – Gauche or Glorious?

On Sunday night, the world made a broad leap for marriage equality. Dozens of mixed- and same-sex couples were married by Queen Latifah at the Grammy Awards as Mackelmore, Ryan Lewis, and Mary Lambert sang “Same Love.” Madonna, dressed as a cane-wielding old oil baron from a more fabulous version of 1930s Texas, even warbled one of her classics. If the American public didn’t know it before, they do now — gay couples can be just as tacky as straight couples. Suck it, haters!

Not to be outdone,  at the very same time, Sean and Catherine from The Bachelor got married on LIVE TV. It’s the Great Gay/Straight Televised Wedding-Off, where whoever wins… basically loses.

Point: Weddings should be about you, your spouse, and your loved ones — not you, your spouse, and the American Public.
Need I say it – same goes for proposals.

By getting married in front of a live television audience, you aren’t saying “I love this other person so much!” You’re saying “Look at how I love this other person so much!” It’s a fine distinction, but it’s a distinction.

Counterpoint: Weddings are about publicly declaring your love and commitment. What’s more public than TV?

I’m sorry… were you insulting TV? I know you weren’t insulting TV. Most of us spend more time with TV than we do with our friends and family. Why wouldn’t we invite TV to our weddings? TV should be at the head-freaking-table, if you ask me. TV should be the priest. TV should be the groom.

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Super Superbowl Halftime Shows

Ah, it’s Super Bowl weekend, y’all. It’s everything this country stands for. Football, piles of money spent on 30 second commercials, spending hours in front of the TV with loved ones yelling at players through a screen, and excessive eating of foods that are bad for you. ‘MERICA.

While we at Cookies + Sangria aren’t the biggest of sports fans (I mean come on, we have liveblogged at least three movie musicals in the past year), what I can say is that the one thing to look forward to is the halftime show.

Super Bowl XXVII

Date: Jan. 31, 1993

Location: Rose Bowl (Pasadena, California)

Theme: Heal the World

Performer(s): Michael Jackson

I feel like hiring MJ to perform at the Super Bowl was the ultimate coup. This is when people started paying attention and were like oh, ok. They’re gonna play it like that? I’m watching now. I mean the theatrics of it all. The pyrotechnics. The dancing. The Michael Jackson-ness of it all. He set the bar for high quality halftime shows. Bottom line: be entertained.

Super Bowl XXXVIII

Date: Feb. 1, 2004

Location: Reliant Stadium (Houston, Texas)

Theme: Rock the Vote

Performer(s): Janet Jackson, P. Diddy, Nelly, Kid Rock, and Justin Timberlake

You didn’t expect a Super Bowl halftime show list without the infamous ‘wardrobe malfunction’ did you? We all know what happened, so I don’t need to explain that. You know what I do feel like I need to explain? The fact that this was TEN YEARS AGO. TEN. BYE EVERYONE, BYE.

Bonus: Actual YouTube comment: “4:04 to skip the nonsense”

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Everybody, it’s Superbowl Weekend! Even if you’re not a sports person, it is a Saturday – and tomorrow is a major snack holiday! Let’s celebrate those good times. Come on.

Point/Counterpoint: Televised Weddings – Gauche or Glorious?

On Sunday night, the world made a broad leap for marriage equality. Dozens of mixed- and same-sex couples were married by Queen Latifah at the Grammy Awards as Mackelmore, Ryan Lewis, and Mary Lambert sang “Same Love.” Madonna, dressed as a cane-wielding old oil baron from a more fabulous version of 1930s Texas, even warbled one of her classics. If the American public didn’t know it before, they do now — gay couples can be just as tacky as straight couples. Suck it, haters!

Not to be outdone,  at the very same time, Sean and Catherine from The Bachelor got married on LIVE TV. It’s the Great Gay/Straight Televised Wedding-Off, where whoever wins… basically loses.

Of course, for every person bemoaning televised weddings as super-cheezy, there’s another who thinks they’re, I guess, romantic and beautiful or something. The only way to settle this is through a point-counterpoint.

Point: Weddings should be about you, your spouse, and your loved ones — not you, your spouse, and the American Public.

Need I say it – same goes for proposals.

By getting married in front of a live television audience, you aren’t saying “I love this other person so much!” You’re saying “Look at how I love this other person so much!” It’s a fine distinction, but it’s a distinction.

Counterpoint: Weddings are about publicly declaring your love and commitment. What’s more public than TV?

I’m sorry… were you insulting TV? I know you weren’t insulting TV. Most of us spend more time with TV than we do with our friends and family. Why wouldn’t we invite TV to our weddings? TV should be at the head-freaking-table, if you ask me. TV should be the priest. TV should be the groom.

Point: TV weddings are super tacky. Do you really want to explain to your grandchildren that you got married live on the Montel Williams Show?

So, you got married in a camo dress. And you can’t even lie about it in 50 years, like my grandma did about being 5 months pregnant when she got married, because everyone can just look it up. Good work.

[In case you’re wondering, it all came to a head when my grandma, in a state of light dementia, really strongly opposed the 50th wedding anniversary dinner we were throwing them. Turns out, it was actually their 49th anniversary.]

Counterpoint: Will & Kate, and Charles & Diana before them, got married on live tv. They’re not tacky.

Viewers worldwide didn’t wake up or go to sleep at weird times to watch these weddings because they were tacky. They did it because they wanted to see what dress the bride wore (Will and Kate) or if Camilla would stand up and shout out an objection (Charles and Diana). You know, normal stuff.

Point: Yes, but the royals had the same wedding they would have if the cameras weren’t there. They weren’t mass-married by the woman from Living Single, who didn’t even sing U.N.I.T.Y.

So, my friends and I watched this video before the Grammys, and can I just say what a shame it is that Latifah can do this but chose not to? I miss when rap used to sound like this, and if I could get Latifah at my wedding, damn straight she’d be laying down some early 90s beats.

Counterpoint: TV weddings allow people to have features that they never would have been able to afford themselves, like a Badgley Mischca gown (Trista, of The Bachelor) or the woman from Living Single as the officiant.

These super-cute in-love people don’t look too unhappy with how this wedding thing is playing out – and other people seemed to love it too. Did you see the crowd shots? The only time I’ve seen celebrities look so giddy is when they’re pretending to be happy for somebody who won an award.

Point: By providing your own wedding budget, you also get to call the shots (read: you don’t have to worry that a frail Madonna will keel over while singing a song from the year of your birth)

I… I think she really needs that cane you guys.

What if you love Madonna, but you’re really more into Like A Prayer? Tough luck. A lot of money goes into these tv weddings, but as a wise man once said, mo money mo problems.

Counterpoint: At least on TV weddings you don’t have to audition wedding bands or yield to requests for The Chicken Dance.

#whitepeople

The whole televised aspect of the wedding gives couples an easy out when their families want them to do tacky stuff. Oh, sorry mom, ABC won’t let us do the dollar dance. I can’t do the garter thing because we have to take a commercial break then. Do you know how much it costs to license the Electric Slide?

Point: The Honeymoon Suite Cam.

From what we’re told (yet really do not need to know), Bachelor Sean’s wedding night was his first time. The ever-classy folks at ABC chose to highlight that by training a live cam on the Honeymoon Suite before the wedding. I can only guess that they kept it on until 2-4 minutes after the wedding, at which point there was nothing more to see there.

Counterpoint: There is no counterpoint. The Honeymoon Suite Cam was awful.

ICYMI: What to Expect at the Grammy Awards

The Grammys are on today, so to help you get in the mindset, here are some ways to prepare for the show. Check out this week’s post on Grammy fashion and an oldie but goodie of Taylor Swift at awards shows. Because you know she’s taking home at least one of those gramophones tonight.

The Worst: Grammys Fashion Through the Years

Awards season continues this Sunday with the 56th annual Grammys, a brief distraction from the weekly January fete of movies and television. Like the grown-up version of the MTV VMAs, the Grammys are where the rules of the red carpet are thrown out the window. It’s a show for rockers, rappers, pop stars and singers who are artists and basically wear whatever the hell they want.

Over the years, there have a been quite a few stunning (I mean that in the way that ‘Oh my GOD I am stunned by the egg contraption Lady Gaga is arriving in’, not ‘Beyonce looks stunning in that gold gown’) outfits on the red carpet, and here are just a few to get you prepared for Sunday.

Jennifer Lopez in Versace (2000)

Ah, the infamous green Versace dress. I think this will go down as one of the most recognizable gowns in all of Grammys history. I remember when this happened and everyone making a reallly big deal out of it. 14 years later, it’s funny because I think people would still make a big deal out of it, despite all the Mileys and Lady Gagas of the world.

Christina Aguilera in Versace (2000)

The only thing that could make this more 2000/millennial is if Xtina was wearing butterfly clips in her hair to match the jeweled butterflies on her dress.

Mary J Blige in Gucci (2004)

Mary J – you’re better than this. You’re better than a knock off version of Big Bird.

Imogen Heap in items picked from the earth (2007)

Imogen Heap OF TRASH, more like.

Nicki Minaj in Versace (2012)

This guy plays Santa during the holidays at the Glendale Galleria and needed the extra cash to play the pope*.

How To Be Taylor Swift At An Awards Show

Let’s imagine some kind of Freaky Friday thing happened. Or Big thing. I guess that part depends on your cultural frame of reference. The point is, you are now Taylor Swift, and have an awards show to attend. What do you DOOOO?!

Fortunately, T. Swift follows some hard-and-fast rules for awards show behavior. Follow this guide, and you’ll be all set:

(1) Wardrobe

Wear something sparkly! You can NOT arrive to the red carpet on the back of a unicorn or a pegasus. God knows you’ve tried. Sparkles are the next-best thing.

See, e.g.:

If you look like your kid sis is on Toddlers and Tiaras, your uncle invented the bedazzler, and your grandmother was a fairy duchess ( a step down from a fairy princess, because you’re REAL, y’all), you’re doin’ it right.

(2) Red Carpet

Posing:

  •    Arch your back waaay back on one side. Untreated scoliosis is to the 2010s as deportment classes were to the 1930s.
  • Smile with your eyes, and a liiiitle bit with your mouth. Channel the Mona Lisa or a middle schooler trying to conceal that she’s chewing gum in study hall. Resist the urge to smile widely. You have to rest your face for later — you have a lot of expressions to make.

Interviews:

  • You may want to mention something that makes you seem endearing and goofy. You will not SAY “oh, little ol’ me!”, but it will be an undercurrent in all that you say and do.
  • Other topics: people who used to make fun of you, boys who have broken your hearts, kittens.

(3) Performance

Are you performing tonight? Sit on a stool (or dance around and get rained on), then sing your song in a way that sounds absolutely NOTHING like it does on the album. As in, the key is here, and you are waaaaaay over there. Try not to get too down on yourself when the applause afterwards sounds like a slow-clap.

(4) Awards:

Win:

  • YOU ARE SO SURPRISED. Practice a face of utter, overjoyed, humbled amazement. If getting an award doesn’t surprise you at this point – and it shouldn’t – now is your chance to do some acting. Imagine this: a beautiful pegasus flies from under a rainbow. It lands at your feet, kneeling before you, and doffs its cap. Under the cap is a tiny orange kitten. The kitten is a swashbuckling pirate with an eye patch and a tiny sword. He presents you with a single, perfect, miniature rose. What kind of face would you make if that happened to you?

  • Now it’s time for your speech. Spend the first 10-15 seconds making your  surprised face. You deserve it. You’ve practiced so hard.
  • You should refer to yourself as blessed and humbled, whether explicitly and implicitly.
  • For extra Swift Points, please mention your mom, God, or your fans.
  • If you’re going for bonus points, please call out either an ex-boyfriend or mean girls from junior high.
  • Is it an ex you dated for such a short time that most ladies your age would have to think for 30 seconds before being like “oh yeah, that guy I was seeing for a little while?” So much the better.

Lose:

If you don’t win, you have to look like you’re excited for the person who did. Not just “okay with it,” but actually excited. Use Justin Guarini as your guide:

The smile doesn’t have to reach your eyes.

Draw:

  •  If you win, but someone interrupts your speech, this is the best-case scenario EVER. You don’t need to say anything at the time, but you also don’t need to shut up about it anytime in the next four years. Great songwriting fodder.

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(5) After:

– Don’t be photographed doing anything unseemly or embarrassing at the after parties. Say what you will about TSwift, she is really great at avoiding appearing shambly-drunk in public.

I hope you realize that while you’re being Taylor Swift At An Awards Show, Taylor Swift is being you. That means she gets to watch one of these things from her couch with a bowl of popcorn, her cat, and some pajamas. Despite all her “blessed and surprised” faces, I bet she’d like that, sometimes.

Oh. Feel free to leave her some notes about your ex-boyfriends. She’ll probably write some songs about them during the commercial breaks. They might sound insipid, but they’ll be catchy as hell, you’ll be singing along in spite of yourself, and Taylor Swift will have yet another awards show to attend in a few months.

Saturday Spotlight: Everything’s The Worst

Everything we wrote about this week was the woooorst. Before you grammar fiends point out that “worst” is a superlative, and five things can’t be “the worst,” realize that this week we wrote about Flowers In The Attic, bad Grammy’s fashion, Amy March, instagram cliches, and songs that should have never made it out of 2013. So, yes, I’d say that it is possible for all of these five things to be the worst:

Live Blog: Flowers In The Attic (The Worst Lifetime Movie)

0:42 Evil Marilla Cuthbert asks Sally Draper if she poses for her brother’s paintings with her blouse off. Ew. She said “blouse.”

0:55 The teens have to hide in a bar to watch the family’s party.

Let’s just recap a little. The Dollangangers’ father died. The Dollangangers learn that they’re really Foxworths. They have to move to Foxworth Hall Manor Estate, or something that sounds like either a low-rent townhouse development or midrange wine label. The kids have to hide from their grandfather, while their mother puts the moves on him to try to get written into the will. The grandmother, a horrifying blend of Marilla Cuthbert and Michelle Duggar, hits Heather Graham with switches and insinuates that the kids are all gettin’ it on with each other. And now they’re at a Christmas party with Greensleeves playing on a lone violin, because if anything says “hopping holiday bash,” it’s Medieval songs on string instruments.

Everything after Fake Don Draper dying could have been prevented if Heather Graham (Corinne Foxworth, I guess?) would just get a damn job already.

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The Worst: Grammys Fashion Through The Years (The Worst Thing To Happen To Our Eyeballs)

Shirley Manson in Garbage – literally (1999)

There’s no better way to promote your own band than by sticking it to the front of your see through dress.

Imogen Heap in items picked from the earth (2007)

Imogen Heap OF TRASH, more like.

M.I.A. in House of Holland (2009)

*All I wanna do is BANG BANG BANG BANG and KACHINNGG dress you in something more appropriate for a woman who is about to pop out a human baby*

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Amy March Was A Total Bitch (The Worst (/Best?)  March Sister)

Amy March Hates Irish People. This Irish Person Says Amy March Can Suck It.

The Republic of Ireland has retaliated by naming its least-appealing souvenir porcelain doll after Amy March.

When Amy’s limes got thrown into the snow, she wasn’t upset because she lost her limes – she was upset because the limes were “exulted over by the little Irish children, who were their sworn foes.” Yep, Amy March’s sworn foes were anonymous Irish street urchins. You bet your sweet bippy that one didn’t make the Winona Ryder movie. It wasn’t losing the limes that made Amy cry like – forgive me – a little bitch, it was the Irish kids getting the limes.

Amy. You live in Boston. Concord, whatever. You know those little Irish street children? They’re going to run your city. In 100 years, the descendants of one of those lime-eating Boston Street Micks is going to be our nation’s president. Your city’s basketball team is literally going to be called the Celtics. Don’t worry about what basketball is. If your grandchildren ever get arrested, you know who’s going to do it? An Irish cop. But you don’t even have to wait 100 years. Even in the 1860s, every one of those Irish kids has a pack of 14 siblings to back them up in a fight. And those kids are scary. They have been working in silk mills since they were 5. You know how my great-great-great grandmother survived the Potato Famine? By eating GRASS. Honestly, poor Irish children from Boston in the 1860s are probably the worst “sworn foes” you could make.

So, on behalf of Irish and part-Irish Americans, let me just tell Amy March that she can suck it. Know what she can’t suck, though? A lime – because the Irish kids got them. Booyah, March.

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Instagram Cliches That Need To Stop Happening (The Worst Use of Social Networking)

Pictures of the “Moon”

Whenever there is a full moon – especially if it seems larger than usual – people try taking pictures of it with their iPhones. Here’s a news flash – it’s not going to come out the way you think, so just don’t bother posting it. When you look at the shot after you take it, don’t you think – ‘Hey, this just looks like a blob in the sky?’ No? Okay, well do that moving forward.

Inspirational quotes that make no sense

This is a trend commonly found amongst teenagers, although I see people my age doing it too (albeit not as hokey and stupid). But really, if you ever find a teenage girl’s Insta (which sounds creepy & weird but it happens) I swear you’ll find at least 10 of these.

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Playlist Of The Month: 2013 Songs That Need To Stay In 2013 (The Worst Music Of Last Year)

Thrift Shop – Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

“They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard, I bought a skeet blanket, then I bought a kneeboard.” This song is nominated for not one but TWO Grammys, y’all. GRAMMYS.

Wake Me Up by Avicii

I can just hear the concept discussion for this song:

Avicii Guy #1: Let’s start with a kind of 90s, alternative, folksy sound. People LOVED Hootie and the Blowfish and Counting Crows!

Avicii Guy #2: But then, let’s add some beats! Bitches love house music!

AG#1: Wait… what about the music video? Can we have an old west sequence, but also a club scene, but also a model, but also a child? With human branding and ambiguous time travel? And maybe, like, The Dust Bowl? And DIALOGUE? And RALPH LAUREN PRODUCT PLACEMENT?

AG#2: CAN we?!

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