marriage | Cookies + Sangria

It’s August, but Wedding Season isn’t over yet … because with the growing popularity of fall weddings, wedding season stretches from May to early November, with an additional, tiny bump around Christmas time. I’m in my late 20s now, and it has been over 10 years since I have had a wedding-free summer. After you’ve been around the bridal block a few times, you start to notice that from your swanky sit-down affairs to your afternoon backyard bashes, most weddings really do have a lot in common. And after you’ve been around the bridal block more than a few times … especially if you’re single …. especially if like me, you cannot envision having a WEDDING-wedding even if you get married … you start to feel like you need some sort of a game, goal, or mission to keep the events feeling fresh.

Ladies and gentlemen, to that end I give you the Cookies + Sangria Wedding Guest Drinking Game/ Scavenger Hunt. EXTRAVAGANZA! 2015. Or whatever year you’re reading this.

1 point (Scavenger Hunt) / 1 Sip (Drinking Game)

Mason Jars
Burlap
In the days before the wedding, you go through that internal struggle of whether it would make more sense for you to take a cab to the wedding or just limit your drinking to a glass or two of wine way at the beginning. [Obviously if you come out in favor of driving to the event, you’re playing the scavenger hunt, so get your notepad ready to tally those points!]
Jordan almonds
A grandma
A photo announcement for everyone from your alma mater
A bride is tanned or toned beyond recognition
A bride is keeping her birth name, the couple will be hyphenating their name, the groom is taking the bride’s name, the couple is adopting a new name, or a same-sex couple does literally ANYTHING with regards to surnames … but guests or officiants can’t or won’t accept it (cards with wrong name on it, announcement of Mr. and Mrs. Dude’sName, etc).

2 Points (Scavenger Hunt) / 1 swig (Drinking Game)

Wedding party in matching Converse
The unity candle won’t light
Flower girls strewing something other than flowers
You are handed bubbles for when the couple leaves the ceremony
A guest misses a key point in the wedding because they are doing something on their phone
The first dance song was also the first dance at another wedding you went to
Canon in D
Wedding March
You’re in a barn
The ring does not go on easily
There’s a wedding coordinator or photographer who would be well-suited to some sort of upper-level commanding military position
Bridesmaid or groomsman speech mentions a fraternity or sorority

5 points (Scavenger Hunt) / 1 gulp (Drinking Game)

Edison lights
A man in white athletic socks
Actual tin cans tied to the car
Dollar dance
The couple does that thing where they make sand art instead of lighting a unity candle
One of those signs that tells you to pick a seat, not a side
Chalkboards or chalkboard paint
“Love is patient, love is kind…” etc.
It’s a destination wedding (beach resort, cruise, etc) and a non-wedding guest crashes accidentally. Or on purpose.
The wedding party takes photos in an awkward location, or one totally unrelated to the couple or event. (NB: now that the “photojournalistic,” candid, “creative” photo style is in, I always see people taking pics in the park and bridge near where I work by people who have, based on things I’ve heard them say, basically never been downtown in my city before).
The wedding party does a jumping picture

10 points (Scavenger Hunt) / 2 gulps (Drinking Game)

Superfluous Scrabble tiles incorporated into the decor
Another wedding guest with your first name
Bird decor
A ring bearer or flower girl who is actually a baby who can’t walk yet
A whole-hearted bouquet toss enthusiast
A bouquet toss conscientious objector
Unzipped fly on a guest
Something that you, personally, would deem an obvious Pinterest Fail
Signature cocktail
Photo booth
A camera whore is very obviously angling to be in the reception candids
Anything Disney (cake topper, dress, anything)
The table assignments are something “clever” or Pinterest-based, like photos of the couple at whatever age the table number was, or all based on different locations.

20 Points (Scavenger Hunt) / Chug (Drinking Game)

The flower girl can’t or won’t flower girl
The priest or officiant says something awkward (for instance: at our friend’s wedding, the priest talked about how wonderful it was that we were all together to consummate the marriage, then he drew even more attention to it by trying to rephrase it for the next minute)
A non-bridal party person in an updo (like UPDO updo. Tendrils, hairspray … baby’s breath?)
Someone does a honk-y nose blow during the ceremony
Elderly people in love
It’s a religious wedding and the sermon/speech/whatever is about wives submitting to husbands
Someone in the bathroom who needs a sewing kit
Someone in the bathroom who has a sewing kit
A groom makes some sort of performance art piece out removing the garter
The first dance was choreographed
You’re single, and someone awkwardly tries to set you up with another single guest (it’s like when you were 12 at your dad’s company picnic, and your parents tried to make you hang out with another kid because of the great uniting factor of you both being in seventh grade, even though that doesn’t mean you have anything else in common).
Self-written vows
Unzipped fly on a member of the wedding party

50 points (Scavenger Hunt) / Finish Your Drink (Drinking Game)

Hay bales are involved in any capacity
The entrances to the reception were choreographed
A bride has separate ceremony and reception dresses
RHYMING vows
They make you sit on the hay bales
A direction sign pointing the way to food, dancing, custom candy table, etc
Custom candy table
Two women in the same dress (not in the bridal party)]
There’s a theme. Not a color scheme, but a THEME. Like Civil War.
An unassuming person with surprisingly awesome dance moves
A non-bridesmaid who accidentally wore almost the same dress as the bridesmaids
There’s another couple with the same, or almost the same, wedding hashtag that weekend
Crying bride (happy tears)
Custom cake topper
Cake smash. You’re gonna need that drink.
An ex-spouse of the couple is present

100 points (Scavenger Hunt) / New Drink (Drinking Game)

A non-bride is wearing white (flower girl doesn’t count)
The couple’s pet(s) are involved in the ceremony
An awkward bouquet/ garter combo (relatives, exes, massive age gap … I have been avoiding the bouquet toss my whole life because even as a little kid I realized that hey, if I catch this thing I don’t want, a stranger is going to have to put an undergarment on my leg??)
Somebody has an objection during the ceremony
Crying bride (non-happy tears)
One of the spouses serenades the other
There’s choreography when the bridal party and couple go down the aisle.
Someone surprises the couple with a performance that they don’t know about.

It’s that time of year again – wedding season is officially here. Yes, that’s right happy couples, you get to attend your friends’ and family members’ nuptials, while looking on knowing that you too are in love, and for your single people, it’s a gentle reminder that you don’t have a designated slow dance partner at the wedding, or in life.

If you’re in your 20s or early 30s, you’re probably all too familiar with wedding season already. It spreads on to social media, when it seems as if every weekend someone is going to a bridal shower or bachelorette party or wedding. With the sheer amount of weddings that occur between now and like, the end of September, it seems almost necessary to have at least some sort of survival kit to make it through months of newlyweds’ happiness. Here are just a few tips I’ve come to discover on my travels that might help you come out of these next few months alive.

Declines with Regret is an Option

First things first – you don’t have to go to every wedding you’re invited to. It’s always tempting to accept every single one, but be realistic. Do you have the funds to attend? More importantly, do you even care that the two people who invited you are tying the knot? Declining and saying no to invitations is not only a good thing to learn for weddings, but for life in general.

What Not To Wear

If there’s one thing we know about weddings, is that there are a lot of pictures taken throughout the day/night. Because of this, you dress to impress. And if you’re like me, wear a dress perfect for the particular wedding you’re going to – then never wear it again. Are you kidding me? I can’t be photographed in that ensemble again after there were 10 FB albums posted! Sort through your closet and find dressy pieces you wouldn’t usually put together and create a mix-and-match outfit without having to buy new clothes. Or do something like Rent the Runway, where you can get a designer dress for more then half off the original price, and simply return it. I’m doing this for the first time for my friends’ wedding in June and I’ll report back on my findings.

Make Wedding Weekend a Vacation

If you’re traveling somewhere for a wedding and have the time, don’t just stay at the final destination for the weekend, make the most of it. When my friends got married in their hometown of Sacramento, me and my groomsman friend planned a trip to nearby San Francisco, because, why not? If you’re gonna take days off from work, might as well make it worth it.

Score a Present Early in the Game

Get the couple a present off their registry as soon as possible, because if you wait too long, you might end up with the super expensive items like 100-piece china or an X-Box. If you do happen to find yourself in dire straits and know friends who are going to the wedding as well, ask if they want to chip in and buy one of the big ticket items. I’m pretty sure this is kosher.

Don’t Go Hard Right Away

Weddings can last forever. Not the actually ceremony – those can sometimes last only 15 minutes. So if you start taking shots before the bride goes down the aisle, you might need to take a nap sometime during dinner. Or maybe that’s just us old folk. The temptation of an open bar forces you to get all the drinks ASAP, but just steady yourself so you can have fun and not vom. Unless the open bar ends at a certain time, and stock up on drinks so you have some alc throughout the rest of the reception.

Hire a Designated Driver

Speaking of alcohol, don’t be dumb. I’m sure you’re all responsible adults, so this might be a moo point (a cow’s opinion). Again, if you’re going with friends, a party bus might be the ideal situation for a wedding, or plan on taking Uber to and from the venue.

Don’t Give In To Bouquet Toss Pressure

I hate the bouquet toss/garter tradition. I feel like it’s outdated and provides for an awkward situation between the person who grabs the bouquet and the person who grabs the garter. I’ve been to weddings where they practically force all single people on the floor to participate in the bouquet toss and I’ve wanted to toss myself out the window. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. It’s your life, bro.

Enjoy Yourself!

This goes without saying, but sometimes, especially if you’re involved with the planning of the wedding, that you focus on what could go wrong as opposed to truly enjoying yourself. At the end of the day, weddings are a great celebration of love between family and friends, and that’s all that matters.