7:32 I’m still rooting for Lindsay Lohan. Casually, I mean — the way I still want my high school’s football team to win, but don’t want it-want it, because that would be sad.
The reason I’m casually rooting for Lindsay Lohan is that, if you asked me 10 years ago where I thought she’d be at 26, I would have pictured something better. Not an Oscar winner, but possibly a recent People’s Choice nominee. I thought she could play a pretty lady who falls in love, but also falls down in front of attractive men a lot, and has a quirky friend or a sister with kids. Maybe both!
But here we are instead, on Lifetime. I only read one review of this movie, a NYT piece that was only slightly less scathing than this review I read several years ago that was entitled “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium is Really, Really Bad.”
Please prove them wrong, Lindsay. I care, a little.
8:01 Did the movie start yet? I couldn’t find my remote (it was under my butt.)
8:03 It’s still not on. Lifetime couldn’t fill two hours, minus 45-ish minutes of commercials? This doesn’t bode well.
8:05 This is supposed to take place in yesteryear, but everyone’s clothes look too modern…
8:05 This is not Liz and Dick. Liz and Dick starts at 9. Changing to The Best of Jimmy Fallon on VH1.
8:05-9:00 JIMMY FALLON. Am I right?
9:00 Lindsay looks pretty in the title sequence! I get kind of bummed when people say she’s looking old, because I’m a fellow ginger and realize that only a year or two of hard living stand between my face and Lindsay’s, which looks like broken dreams. By my mid-30s, I honestly expect to have a face that looks like it’s held together with scotch tape and hope.9:02 Ouch. This VoiceOver IS really, really bad.
9:03 All black outfits? Directors’ chairs? What even is happening? And where is James Lipton? He should be here.
9:07 First “violet eyes” reference. Fake Richard Burton just said “white hot bosom” with far less irony than I’d like.
9:08 LiLo is really splitting the difference between her Hallie Parker accent and her Annie James accent here.
9:11 Ugh, Caesar haircuts. The last time I found a man with a Caesar haircut attractive was when Joshua Jackson played Pacey Whitter. I can’t be blamed. I was so young then.
9:15 I tweeted one of my live blog observations, and immediately regretted it. What if Lohan sees it? She’s still just a human, with a twitter account and feelings. A bunch of feelings, I reckon. If she sees it, and insults me back, I just know it would be both accurate and scathing.
9:21 Lily Allen is singing? Distracting.
9:21 It was a Client List commercial. I, um, haven’t been paying much attention to this tele-film.
9:22 Liz and Dick are bathing in a tub that looks like a huge sink. It’s like they’re enormous babies.
9:24 I always feel confused when people named Elizabeth just go by Elizabeth. There are so many nickname possibilities! I’m just jealous because my parents gave me an Irish scullery maid nickname rather than a proper name.
9:28 I bet if Liz Taylor were alive, she’d be real diplomatic about this disaster. What does she care? She has violet eyes and invented White Diamonds, which smells like a really nice-smelling mom or teacher.
9:30 Commercial for other Lifetime movies. All I know is, I’m going to watch the shit out of An Amish Murder, if I remember to.
9:38 Liz is truly an almost Dina Lohan-quality mother in this scene.
9:40 My favorite part so far was those 55 minutes when I watched Jimmy Fallon while waiting for this to start.
9:49 What’s going on? I’ve been reading the Internet and forgot to pay attention.
Sometime after 9:49 but well before the end of the movie I fell asleep by accident. I tried, sort of.